Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Why do I have the urge to off myself when having ocd thoughts? But I dont want to die.

hey everyone! so i'm not sure what to post so i guess i'll just post what i'm going through, i hope someone sees this who understands. i feel really alone. ‼️⚠️TW⚠️‼️- thanatophobia, intrusive thoughts, harm OCD, religious OCD, existential dread/crisis/questions GENERAL INFORMATION so i'm 15F, just got into high school. i've always had thanatophobia (extreme fear of d3ath and the process), but as of recent it's gotten terrible. it's all i think about. my intrusive thoughts are usually related to it, and sometimes i think that "oh i know it's going to happen soon! it's going to happen today!" and i'll believe it and freak out for the rest of the day. my parents have been telling me that there isn't a point in worrying, but i'd argue against that. it's not like i chose this, it's not like i want to be worried. it just happens, i cannot control it no matter what i do. the idea of not being on earth frightens me, like for example: i cannot stand thinking about the moon landing and stuff because those people aren't on earth. i like it here, no matter how messed up it is, it's all i know. and many people understand that thought process. earth is my home, it brings me everything i need. it feeds me, lets me sleep, brings me air, gives me water, it's nature surrounds me in comforting light. the earth is my home, i love her, and she loves me. i don't want to leave her, because she's the only thing i know. RELIGIOUS BACKGROUND. im a christian, however i guess i would say i don't associate with that title due to the fact christian's tend to not really be what they say they are. i'm a christ follower, and i believe he died and rose again. people tell me heaven is beautiful, that it's the best place ever. and while yes it's a good place, it's also terrifying getting there. and i often freak myself out asking myself questions of "what does it look like? does it feel like a dream? is it physical?" so many things in my head. people tell me to read NDE's, but those only make me more anxious. EXISTENTIAL PROBLEMS so my existence has been hard to think about. i often think about how cruel death is, how it's so hard being alive because you are taunted with death. you build things just for it to all break down. and that's something i struggle with greatly. i look around and think to myself "wow, these are things i love, but in the end they don't matter do they?" and that isn't too comforting. being around friends hurts too, because i can't just enjoy myself. existence is such an insane thing, and how one can exist and then not. that's terrifying!! LIFE STRUGGLES i struggle to take care of myself, i won't shower for a couple days nor brush my teeth because i really can't bring myself to get out of bed. i also don't go outside a lot, due to the fear of getting into an accident. i struggle to join into social activities because my brain is always busy with worrying rather than enjoying the moment. i cant relax when i'm out of the house because of the what ifs that play in my head. i don't feel safe when i'm not home, and that's a problem because if i don't leave the house then i'm not getting sunshine which, by the way, helps mental health a LOT. i kinda threw myself into a pickle. anywho, i really just need someone who understands. who gets what i'm going through, who saw this and maybe thought "hey, that sounds like what i am/i was going through!" and could maybe tell me their story and what they did. i feel so alone. and so helpless. thank you if you read through all of this, much love to you 🫶🫶

Hi everyone, I want to talk about something kinda personal because I don’t really get to talk to my family about my life without being judge. So I have had anxiety/OCD and more since I was a kid. I have some terrible thoughts, including about the dead and etc. anyways I feel like I was neglected as a kid and a young teen but I don’t want to put false blame on my parents. I just need to know. Ever since I was a kid I’ve felt different, I’ve had these terrible thoughts and feelings that I wasn’t enough. My sibilants would always tell me to stop crying, shut up, call me names and hurt me. I always thought it was just a sibilimg thing until we got older and they still bask my mental health and hurt me. For example my sister and I worked at the same place together and people there didn’t like me . And all I did was kept to myself. Well my sister threw it in my face all the names I was called and it hurt a lot. My siblings don’t know about my ocd bc when I shared it back in 2021, they laughed at me and told me to stfu. There’s moments where they are nice, but more where they judge and hurt me. Nobody in my family seemed to care for me until I was on the verge of killing myself a few years ago. I’ve always gotten my basic needs from my parents, but I can always feel the difference in how my mom and dad talk me to my other siblings than me. My mom calls me names and my dad just recently stopped only bc he was having bad anxiety (when it’s in his favor). My mom always screams at me about money and getting my dog outside and my dog being bad ig. But no matter what I cannot catch a break. I am told my parents feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” around me because I’m so sensitive, and my siblings have kids and made a comment if their kids were ever like me they would “nip that in the ass”, to stop them young. I kinda just sit there and take this all. Always have. I always stick up for my siblings and help them. But when it comes to me they don’t care. Same with my parents. My mom tells me to not tell her what I’m going through bc it’s gotten old. Can anyone help me? Help me understand. Is this neglect? Like is this why I always feel hurt and just not good enough. They make me feel like the black sheep.

Has anyone read the story about the off duty pilot that tried to shut down the plane’s engine mid flight? He was apparently a good guy who would never intentionally do something like that, but he had a “mental breakdown” and thought he was in a dream and didn’t realize what he was doing. He also claimed he was having a panic attack right before his actions. He’s now in jail and his life seems ruined. This has really triggered my harm OCD because it feels like it goes against everything we learn in treatment about intrusive thoughts and are ability to not act on them. I often get panic attacks on flights and have deep fears about opening the emergency exit or causing a scene on the plane. I was at a point where I felt confident I would never act on these thoughts because they go against everything I would ever want to do and would be completely out of character for me. But this story is undoing all of the progress I’ve made in that area.