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I feel so defeated by false memory ocd. The reality of it all hits me so hard , I just feel so hopeless.

It is currently 12:51am and I am really worried about the false memories I have in relation to my friend and there are several of them all containing her that are very detailed, very vivid, and feel very real, they feel like other genuine memories that I have, they feel the exact same which is more worrying. I keep trying to tell myself that the more I ruminate over these memories and try to find arguments and reasons as to why they’re more likely to be untrue false memories that my brain has conjured up, the more arguments my brain will come up with as to why they’re real, which in turn makes them more real. I keep trying to tell myself that nothing positive or beneficial comes from trying to figure out whether these false memories are true or not, and that by checking them will only make me feel “worse”. I keep trying to acknowledge the thoughts when they appear and not push them away, but just sit with them and I can’t. I feel awful, sad, bad, gross and it makes me so upset and I want to cry. I don’t want to have done anything sexual whether it is appropriate or inappropriate with this individual, and I especially don’t want any of these false memories to be true, and I hope to god they’re false memories but I’m worried and fear they’re not (I hope this is just my OCD saying all of that) I’m worried they’re not false memories because they’re so detailed, vivid, obscure and intricate. There’s aspects to these false memories that don’t feel like something OCD would be able to come up with. The more I think about them the more I’m worried and feel like they’re just actual memories that I’m suppressing and pushing away, or actual memories that I’m just trying to dismiss by passing them off as OCD false memories to make myself appear or look innocent, does that make sense? They’re very graphic, disgusting and disturbing inappropriate actions that I am worried I have committed. I want to type it out here but I worry from the simple fact that I am able to type out what the event is within the first place, like the fact it is something I can picture and detail in words here would indicate to me that it has happened otherwise how else am I telling you about it right now? In short, what I can disgustingly remember is performing oral sex on my friend. I can remember the setting, what she was wearing, what was on the television in the background. What is even more disturbing and extremely worrying to me, is this very specific and intricate detail which makes me worry that this memory is indeed real and not a false memory (which I really want it to be) I want all of the sexual memories I have in relation to this person to be false memories that have been created and formed by my OCD and don’t actually have any basis in reality, and haven’t actually happened. The reason this is seriously worrying me is because there is a very intricate and detailed part of the memory that feels too complicated and complex for OCD to simply “come up with”, and feels more like something that actually happened, hence why I can remember this detail. I want to type out the detail and word it but I’m scared too because by typing it out it makes it feel more real and like it actually happened, because otherwise how do I have a recollection of it to type out within the first place? Does that make sense? What’s making this even more worrying and believable to me, and I feel overwhelmed and upset typing out this sentence, is that while I am and do identity as a straight woman, I have had a consensual sexual experience with another woman before, which is why for me it’s even harder to dismiss these memories as being false memories. For example, if I had never had a sexual experience with another woman before, I would easily be able to say “Well this is obviously and very clearly a false memory because I have never even done anything sexual with a woman consensually, let alone inappropriately” but I can’t say that, which is why to me these false memories are very plausible because all I can think is “Well you have had a sexual experience with a woman before, you’re clearly attracted to the female body sexually, it isn’t impossible for you to have done those acts in the past and they’re actually even MORE likely now”, which is why it’s even scarier for me and does feel like something that is more likely to have happened now, does that make sense? It feels a lot more believable because that is an action that I easily could’ve done given consent to do so.  I am just really, really worried. I remember at the time when I first started worrying about these fears in relation to this person (like 5 years ago) I remember messaging her as I had her on instagram, and I sent her a message to test what she would responsd/ reaction would be, which ended up being a pretty normal response. During the timeframe after the false memory takes place, she sent me instagram reels, liked posts I made and also at one point asked me if I’d like to hang out and that she would be down to drive to me, but I declined at the time and I can’t remember why, which is also worrying.  Since the time the false memory took place, I hadn’t seen her in person or really spoken to her over text aside from the occasional “Hey how are you?” and sending each other instagram reels. However, back in April I bumped into her for and saw her for the first time since like 4 years ago. The whole time I was shaking in fear, I felt so scared and anxious and my legs wouldn’t stop trembling the entire interaction. At first I was very on guard to look out for any signs of discomfort or hostility from her, which I can’t tell if I actually did find or if that’s just how she converses now.  Anyway, at the end of the interaction she gave me a hug, said to me “Girl I missed you” and it seemed sincere. She also asked me for my social media’s. I told her I don’t have social media anymore (which is true) but that I can give her my number instead, which she added into her phone. I then proceeded to leave and was panicking the entire time after the interaction, fearing that any moment she was going to send me a text message either asking me to meet up with her (where she would then confront me about the false memories, therefore confirming they’re real) or just send me a text message confronting me about the false memories, again confirming that they’re real. These particular fears were still present between the months of March and September, the only reason the fears stop here is because I bought a new phone and received a new number, meaning my friend no longer has my up to date mobile number. Every time my phone beeped I was panicked it was going to be her, I was anticipating an angry message.   This panicked me for a multitude of reasons,  on most days I was anticipating a confrontational message only to never receive anything from her, but isn’t that even more alarming and worrying? Isn’t that even more evidence that I in fact did commit those actions and that they’re not false memories? Why would she take my number and then never bother to text it, not even a hello? Maybe it is because she was just taking my number to be polite in the moment but didn’t actually want it because I make her uncomfortable and she doesn’t actually like me because the false memories are true and happened. I keep trying to tell myself that this doesn’t necessarily mean the false memories are true because: * a) she had me on instagram for years after the false memories took place and she never messaged me or “confronted” me on there either, so why would she message me now? * b) I have many peoples phone numbers that I wouldn’t actually text or bother to speak with. for example I have a few peoples numbers in my phone now that I can tell you with 99.9% certainty I will probably never text again, but not because they’ve done anything wrong to me, I just don’t see the point because they’re not in my life anymore.  I’m just so so worried. I am sitting here right now and my face feels numb and twitchy, and so do my eyes. My stomach keeps turning and tightening and I feel “strange”. I feel like this entire note is just me being in denial and actively choosing to lie and pass off these terrible disgusting actions (that my brain says I know I’ve done and just don’t want to admit it) as OCD and calling them a false memory as to not take accountability for them.  I am really terrified that these false memories aren’t false memories and that they actually happened and I’m just in denial about them. They feel so so real and I can remember them like the back of my hand, which only worries me more. I don’t want any of the sexual memories I have in relation to this individual to be true. I don’t want to have done anything remotely sexual to / with this individual, whether inappropriate or appropriate. When I say to myself or my partner “I don’t know whether or not I have done anything sexual to / with her” it feels like I’m lying, my body feels weird and so does my face. When I say that phrase I feel like I’m lying to myself and my family and that I’m just in denial and don’t want to admit it to myself. That’s what it genuinely feels like and I don’t know why. I am really upset and I don’t want to have done anything sexual to / with her. Whenever I’m outside I am genuinely terrified of bumping into her because I fear she’s going to “confront me” (understandably so) and confirm to me that what I’m hoping are just OCD fabricated false memories, aren’t false memories at all, but in fact something that has actually occurred in reality. However, I also worry that that sounds incredibly selfish and vile because the main persons feelings here who should matter is the individual that has been harmed, and that’s what I’m worried I have done :( I don’t know how to cope or what to do. If I found out I had committed those disgusting acts and they were indeed real, I wouldn’t want to live, because I don’t want to live knowing I was able to do those unforgivable actions towards someone. I am so so scared, I really don’t want to have done anything to this person and I’m terrified I’m lying about it and in denial. Even now as I type these sentences I feel strange and that every word I’m typing is just me falling further and further into denial and running with the life to try and make myself feel better.  However, if I did know I had committed these actions / false memories, then why would I also be having thoughts to “check to see whether I’ve carried out these actions”. As in, if these were actions I KNEW I had done and was actively choosing to lie about them, then why would I also be having thoughts to check if I’ve done said behaviours? Does that make sense? Do you think I’m lying when I say I’m not sure whether I have done anything to / with her? Do you think I have done those disgusting acts to / with her? Do you think those false memories are false memories fabricated by OCD, or do you think they’re real and did in fact occur?

My life has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.

I have just been feeling weird the past few days. That’s all I know how to describe what I’m feeling. Have also felt anxiety, doubt, uncertainty, and confusion in regards to my OCD. I have posted on here a few times before about all of this, but a quick recap - I have harm thoughts towards my mom. I have had these thoughts before back when my ocd was diagnosed at 15, but had a bad flare up this year (I’m 32) and now they’re back. These thoughts have been going on for awhile, but they have “evolved” as well - thinking my mom abused me and I just don’t remember and thinking she might harm me and my life may be in danger. I know deep down both of these things are not true, but sometimes they feel real and it freaks me out. My mom is so kind and loving, she’s my best friend, but my mind twists her to be this horrible person. So I wonder if I really believe this or not, and sometimes it just feels so real that I do believe it and then I get anxiety. Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like I don’t want to be around her or I feel “scared” around her which I know is probably not actual fear but anxious feelings, so again feeling these things makes me think I believe in them and that these are actual delusions. It hurts to feel this way. For example, I may have a harm thought about her and it will “feel” like I want to act on it. Like the urge type feeling. I tell myself no and just try to let it go, but then my mind will say “she’s going to hurt you if you don’t hurt her” type thoughts and that makes me feel anxious and depressed. Like my mind is trying to present reasons why I should act on my harm thoughts. And sometimes it just feels so real that I’m going to do it. Then I get scared if what I’m experiencing is actually a delusion and not OCD. Like do I really believe my mom is out to hurt me? Like I will act on them cause I think I will be protecting myself?And then sometimes I feel like I don’t even care and just yeah…I constantly just feel on edge and feels like I can’t trust anything. Like I’m going to act cause I’m confused what’s real or just feel tired of having the thoughts. Basically my mind tries to “rationalize” me having these thoughts and that acting on these thoughts would be “reasonable,” because I would be protecting myself from danger…if that makes sense? Does anyone have any advice or can relate? I know I’m asking for reassurance, but I feel alone sometimes with how bizarre my OCD is and I just want to know if more people have thought these same thoughts or felt this way and overcame it. Thank you.

So, there is this thing I talked about before on here that I don’t remember happening. So, there’s this thought I had that my brain had and is trying to figure out if it’s a memory or not. This thought came to me one night and said I had inappropriately touched someone crotch. No name or memory. Just the thought saying this. My brain tried to rack through WHO this could be and WHEN and HOW. It thought of a few people with no real evidence or base. One I reached out to said I was nothing but sweet to them in school. Then it stuck to one person, but all I can remember is this one bad interaction nothing more. I apologized and they said it was ok, I’m good. Now there was no real memory of this “touch” that I could really recall. I don’t know how to describe it. My mind just said I did this thing and it scared me. I have never thought of this before. It brought up this one person I had this bad interaction with but I said “No this is what happened…” but then my mind kept saying what if and questioning if I’m sure. Like if I’m trying to hid the fact that I’m bad person from myself. I asked around and other people said they don’t remember me doing anything to this person or that I was a regular sweet kid in middle school. It’s all so trippy and irritating. I remember a lot of mistakes I did! But not really this one, this “memory” is not clear nor have I ever thought of it til this thought told me I did this thing. These other memories come up surrounding this event but I don't even really remember these. I did a lot of stupid stuff as a kid but I remember it, this is fuzzy and I keep going back and forth in my mind about it.

Hey guys! If you’re battling OCD, you’re not alone—and I want to share something that’s been life-changing for me on this journey. I started ERP therapy for the first time ever in January 2024. After 10 years of having OCD and only ever attending ‘talk therapy’, signing up with NOCD was the best decision I have ever made! I know how tough OCD can be. Even as someone who has challenged everything OCD throws at me for a good 6 months, it can still sometimes feel overwhelming and strong. Just yesterday, I found myself avoiding going to the toilet for no apparent reason—this is what OCD does! It throws random thoughts and doubts at you, and I said to OCD, “I am not falling for your tricks.” So, I went ahead, went to the toilet, and then 30 minutes later, OCD started getting extremely loud. The ‘what-ifs’ started pouring in: • “What if someone was in the toilet with you and you hurt them?” • “What if you’re lying to yourself and didn’t actually go to the toilet?” OCD can make you doubt the simplest things! Even after facing my biggest fears this year and stopping my compulsions, I felt the urge last night to ask for reassurance and go over the memory in my mind. But then it hit me: this is OCD! It just wants us to doubt ourselves and cause mayhem until we give in and do compulsions to feed it. But I said NO! I’ve been through this so many times before, and I will get through it again. OCD WILL NOT WIN! No matter how scary, anxious, or guilty it made me feel, I kept reminding myself: there is nothing more important than my OCD RECOVERY! I told OCD: “Honestly OCD, this was a very nice try! Fair play to you! But I am still not falling for your tricks 😎💪 better luck next time, eh!🙏🏽” I also realised that by avoiding going to the toilet, I was fueling OCD and making it more powerful. Avoidance only made those doubts and scary thoughts even more intense afterward. This experience was a reminder that compulsions, including avoidance, only make OCD feel stronger. They teach your brain that there’s something to fear, even though there is truly NOTHING to be afraid of. What I’ve learned through ERP: • Your thoughts are just thoughts—they don’t define you. • Compulsions make OCD stronger. Don’t feed the beast! • Aim for progress, not perfection. You can handle anything OCD throws at you! The key is to acknowledge the thoughts without interacting with them. It’s easier said than done, but with practice, it becomes more natural. Remember, everyone has unwanted intrusive thoughts. For those of us with OCD, we just tend to give them way too much meaning. They ARE MEANINGLESS! We’re all in this together, and even though OCD tries to isolate us, sharing and supporting one another is what keeps us strong. If you’ve got your own tips or a story to share, I’d love to hear them! Let’s support each other on this journey! You’ve got this 🙏🏽❤️💪

18+ Is there just not a way to actually deal with with this? I get it ERP breathing “being in the moment” I can’t I can’t freaking do it my POCD is making it so hard to live life I see kids and now I think I gaslighted myself into thinking I’m attracted to them when I watch movies TikTok’s, go outside and see kids everywhere I just can’t take it I feel groinal responses I’m imagining them without clothes and doing sexual things like a sicko and feeling like I like it or my brain is trying to make me become that??? Why is it bc of guilt from my real event is it bc im checking if I am??? I can’t live like this it’s literally like I have the eyes of a pedo now sexualizing children this is absolutely insane… I have a boyfriend I want to have intimate time with now I’m so scared too because i KNOW im gonna be thinking about children HOW am I suppose to get turned on I try too “not focus” look around ect DOESNT WORK I have dreams where it’s sexual with children WHY IS THIS MY LIFE I’m in therapy and doing erp but nothing is helping me DO I NEED BRAIN SURGERY SOMETHING NOW?? please I just can’t keep living like this ANYONE PLEASE HELP ME it’s so hard not to cry I don’t care if it’s just thoughts I’m so terrified I messed up my life because it is effecting my life my sex life my relationship my love for myself And all I’m suppose to do is just “sit with the thought” I still don’t even know what that means I don’t want to end my life my partner my family loves me but I JUST CANT DEAL WITH THIS I miss having loving dreams about my boyfriend instead it’s harmful and sexual dreams with children I’m so upset can anyway please… give me some advice on what to do please I’m begging.

I (15m)am a monster. I have done horrible things mistakes or not I don’t think people would ever forgive me. When I got into highschool when I was 14 I had a messed up mindset that being sexual was the way to go with everything and I was way to open to people who I just met. This led to me revealing personal things about myself that made others uncomfy and flirting with my friends all the time and making sexual jokes comments and just sexual flirting even when they said no (this was over text) Me thinking back on this makes me realize how uncomfy I made these people it’s sick I considered them my friends and ended up traumtizing them. One of them stopped talking to me because of my behavior they were scarred and they can’t even bring themselves to look at me and don’t even want me saying their name. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live. And idk how I can move on with my life ever why shouldn’t I be locked up if I ever got help like therapy I would go to jail and rightfully so I’m a monster.

Hi all, my ocd has been flaring up lately and I’m not sure why. I think it may be due to stress and anxiety involving school and the hurricanes (I live in Florida) anyways I keep having random intrusive thoughts involving my real event and a lot of false memories are popping up, they feel so real it’s like I can feel everything in them even though I haven’t actually felt them. It’s so weird, like sometimes I will watch a movie and be able to feel the texture of snow or a piece of clothing even though I’ve never felt it before. I have noticed when I get those “phantom” ? touch feelings that they cause a lot of false memory intrusive thoughts. I’ve also been having intrusive thoughts that because no one interacts with my posts on here that everyone hates me and knows about me and thinks I’m horrible and disgusting or that someone is talking about me behind my back and telling people to stay away from me and then I’m a horrible person. I hate OCD so much, I hate that I ruminate constantly on little things and mistakes I’ve made and things I can’t let go. I just hate it so much. Does anyone else struggle with these thoughts or even the “phantom feelings/touches” I’m not sure what to call them sometimes I also get them with certain foods or smells even if I hadn’t had them before or smelt them before. It’s so weird

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DRUG USE: Hello everyone ! My name is Nicholas and this is the first time I’ve ever posted but I really just wanted to see if anyone has any experience like mine. I had tried shrooms about 4 months ago and took way too many and genuinely hallucinated and almost severely mutilated myself. During that trip I felt like I was stuck in a time loop and that the trip kept restarting. I was okay for a couple of months and then stupidly I thought smoking weed would be nice and could help calm some of my symptoms, and oh boy, I was severely wrong. I was thrown into what I could only really call PTSD, I could feel everything that I felt those previous months ago and that I felt like I was stuck back in this bad trip and that my reality was gonna fall apart, it’s now the day after and I’m still having those fears. I’m not really looking for advice, but I guess I could say more like looking for anyone with similar experiences? Just curious to see if anyone else out there has dealt with this :)

Hi i’m a teenager in high school and I don’t really remember when it started but I’ve been having really bad compulsions for the past few years. I think it started small with just little things like touching the light switch a few times because if not there’d be a house fire. But lately I think for the past year it’s gotten progressively worse. I haven’t been diagnosed and I don’t think i’m ready to talk to my parents about it so I don’t really know if I even have OCD or how to combat it. So i’m just gonna list some of the things that have led to me to believe I might have OCD: My number is 4, I have to touch things, do things, step on something 4 times. This has been happening for a while. The consequence of not doing it varys from the situation. If i’m home alone and I get scared I need to do everything 4 times perfectly and sit there until I do it right or else i’m unsafe and might die. I also have this “bedtime routine” you could say. Every night I need to check under my bed and look at each 4 legs of the bed and then say the number as I look then I need to take 4 deep breaths as I check too. After that I need to check in my closet and make sure the black hangers don’t touch the white hangers or else it’s contaminated and I might get sick. Then I need to fix my curtains to the way that I need them to sit. There’s a little more detail to each step that’s just too confusing to explain. Another big thing is stepping on something so it touches the middle or my foot and do so 4 times. I can’t explain everything because this is already too long but that is just some of the things I have to do. I also sometimes question myself and it scares me. Like I convince myself that I’m a psychopath and I am going to hurt my friends or family - but I am an extreme empath and can’t hurt a fly? It’s really scary and I just don’t know what to do anymore. So I guess moral of the story: Do I have OCD? And if so what can I do to try to combat it alone for now without alerting my family.

*This mentions pretty dark things so if you think you’ll get triggered, don’t read* I have a question for people who deal with real event/false memory. I hear a lot of people say they can’t remember if they did something or not, but they’re sure they’re guilty. Does anybody have a memory that they’re sure happened, it’s so vivid and you just know it happened, and then when you’re out of the ocd cycle, it just doesn’t feel real anymore? When I was a kid, I was overly sexually. Not only did I start doing sexual things at a young age, but I also had a lot of really dark thoughts. Today, I do have some issues with things I’m attracted to, but only in a passive “I should probably talk to my therapist about that” kind of way and I’ve heard the things I’m into are actually very common. What I thought about as a kid though are much darker. I try to give myself some grace with some of them because I was a kid and had no idea what it was, but of course, I feel disgusted. Anyway, i know that I had these thoughts and feelings when I was a kid, but there are some things I didn’t think I did until the past few years… I had one childhood “memory” come up… Basically, it was having a deliberate thought about an animal when I was masterbating. It felt 100% real, I was sure I did it and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. When my OCD calmed down, it suddenly felt much more foggy, and now it doesn’t feel accurate. I know for a fact I’ve never been attracted to animals, but I’m worried there was a different reason for me having that thought and it’s true that I intentionally thought about it and did it. But now it doesn’t feel real. On top of that, I also know I have never been attracted to children/babies. I have memories of getting thoughts about pedophelia and most of them I have memories of brushing them off but I’m terrified there’s one I am absolutely terrified I touched myself to. For this one, I was certain it was real but I was trying to convince myself it wasn’t, or will it to not be real. It was very vivid, but it also made absolutely no sense because I’ve never wanted that, ever. And if this is true, how could I ever forgive myself and move forward in life? Well, now it doesn’t feel as real. I’m terrified I tried so hard to convince myself that I succeeded and now I think it didn’t even though it did. I also realized I have no accurate memory of where this happened, how old I was, etc. For a while I was terrified this happened when I was older but I have no real memory of that. This made me relax for a second because I thought “maybe that means it didn’t happen or there’s something I’m forgetting and it was an intrusive thought that I pushed off like the rest” but then I quickly realized it really doesn’t mean anything and I could be a horrible, sick person. I know for certain I’m not interested in these things. But I know I used to struggle with dark thoughts, and hearing people talk about false memory the way they typically do just makes me feel like it absolutely can’t be that so it must’ve happened. I don’t know how to even function with these thoughts.

Has anyone had this fear that they were abused in childhood and just don’t remember? And that’s why you have harm related thoughts? Like, I kept thinking if my mom abused me in childhood even though I had not ever thought or felt that way before, it came up a few months ago when my therapist was talking about complex PTSD which then freaked me out thinking something super horrific happened in my childhood and I just don’t remember it. My mom and I are super close, always have been. My mom was protective of me, but never in an abusive sense. She would just worry whenever I went out with friends and such, and wanted me to text her every now and again to let me know what was going on. Even in adulthood she sometimes wants to check in on me if I go out somewhere (even though we live together) and she even tells me to not worry about it and she knows it’s just her anxiety that gets the best of her, thinking something bad happened or what not. Anyway, I kept thinking about this and I thought is this abusive behavior? My mom wanting to check in on me? And I think of course not, it shows she cares and loves me. It’s not like she’s a hounding my phone every second or what not, just a text or a call to see what’s up. But my mind takes it further and thinks this is controlling behavior or something. So it goes back to the was I abused in childhood and I just have repressed memories, and that’s why I get harm thoughts towards my mom. I’m always thinking there is a deeper meaning. I never even thought that before in my life, about the abuse part, but it has become stuck in my mind and I’m scared it will ruin my relationship with my mom.

I’ve had a few very powerful false memories and one I’ve not thought a lot about. But out of NOWHERE today, it came back to me and immediately was convincing me that the bad thing actually happened. Has anyone else had this? Where it came back out of nowhere and made it seem like it had to be true?

so basically I’ve been overthinking Thursday. basically this whole week I’ve been getting intrusive thoughts about doing sexual or inappropriate things with objects, and it got so bad that basically everyday I was throwing my toothbrush away and buying a new one because I was afraid I did something to it and it was contaiminated. please understand I DO NOT want that at all. well I told my mom about it like I told my mom how I thought my toothbrush was contaiminated and I kept getting distressing thoughts (I couldn’t tell her exactly what) and she basically got mad and said I was wasting money and that she wouldn’t allow me to buy more so then I’d just have to use the same one. Well I’ve been replaying all the events that Thursday morning and I can’t find where I could’ve done something inappropriate but idk why the day after so Friday I kept getting those images even though on Thursday I felt fine I think. I couldn’t use a new one my mom forced me to use the one I had and so now I’m going crazy and I think my mouth is contaiminated. What do I do actually please help. I can’t live like this. I think these thoughts were triggered by something I read on the news, but now I’m afraid I might’ve done something and now I’m contaiminated. What if I actually did whatever those intrusive thoughts showed me? What if they were repressed memories? I can’t live knowing this please give any advice.

Hi everyone, Im posting this because I’m feeling quite deflated after a bit of a spike with my OCD. I’ve had several themes, one of them being around my relationship. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 7 years. We’re in a very strong relationship and have been through a lot with my mental health. He’s been an absolute saint throughout the whole journey and I could never thank him enough. I had a very severe obsession about me being unfaithful/having feelings for someone else. It was about a male friend from work who I was pretty close with, he was really a lovely guy and was there for me through a lot of other life things that were going on at the time. We used to go on a lot of work nights out, I didn’t have the best relationship with alcohol, and it was definitely a coping mechanism during the tough life circumstances at the time. There was one night where this friend stroked my leg in the taxi on the way home and I didn’t stop him. fast forward 2 years later, I remembered this said event, which I’d obviously forgotten about and it spiralled out of control. I made myself very ill. It was before I knew I had OCD, or even knew what OCD actually was. The compulsions were horrendous - confessing again and again, checking memories, convincing myself things happened when they didn’t. I convinced myself that I had feelings for him. It was a very hard time. After a long recovery and seeking help/medication, I overcame this theme. However occasionally there are small triggers. Such as recently, we have been watching a TV show where the main character has an affair. It has brought all of those feelings back. I just feel totally devastated and ashamed. Of all the themes I’ve had, of harm and even POCD. This one hits me the hardest. I think it’s because I love my partner so much and the thought of losing him breaks my heart. I’m truly holding out that this will be just a blip, and will surpass. But I can’t help feeling that these triggers are going to come for the rest of my life and the thought of having to deal with feeling like I don’t deserve my relationship every so often is terrifying. I’m so sorry for such a depressing (and long) post. I just needed a place to express these feelings as it would be very hard for someone without OCD to understand. Any advice for these feelings would be very appreciated 💕

it feels like a monster crawling into my skin. like this unwanted feeling & thought. anytime I see a trigger, my brain does the honor to torture me. it’s like I’m trapped. locked in place. and you can’t do anything about it when it comes. you want it to go away but it eats at you. you’re sure you aren’t what you fear. but each exposure makes you rethink. and the cycle begins. what the fuck even is real or fake??? shit feels real to me. I hate it. it causes so much stress. shame. it’s like my brain forces me to. I don’t want it anymore. I want to go back to the way I was. before all of this took over. I want to rest.

I stayed home from school today, I couldn’t do it. It was all too much. From the moment I open my eyes it’s back into a labyrinth of torture. I wish I had my old theme back. At least with Harm OCD I didn’t feel this lost. My mind is in a constant state of panic. So much so I can’t eat without throwing up. And my head hurts from thinking so hard. I want to sleep. Sleep for a while. Escape this pain. I wish I was like other kids my age. I wish I could find joy in my youth. I fear the past, the present, and the future. How am I supposed to live like that. My own mind convinces me i’m different than what I am. Whether that be me being a murderer or transgender. I miss being a kid, when everything was simple, and free. Now i’m in highschool dealing with OCD. I don’t go out, I stay home because I panic more when i’m away from my family. What’s the point? Why do I keep fighting if it will never end? There’s no cure.. it can only be managed. What’s a life like that? How is that worth fighting for? I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like a stranger. My mind constantly cycling what ifs and scenarios. Does it ever get better? I used to be so optimistic, I used to find light in everything.. Every corner of life. I was always told I was a ray of sunshine. Now i’m dull, hallow, and empty. OCD is torture. It has taken everything from me. My happiness, my identity, and my enjoyment. What do I do? Where do I go? Does God even hear me?

I feel like no one cares about me... Im struggling in college and it just feels like I cant catch a break... Ive made bad choices that make me a bad person... I have to be uncertain about worst case POCD scenarios that may or may not have happened unknowingly... I genuinely dont feel like any one cares about me... and if I pass away, ill be laughed at and forgotten by everyone... Im alone with no gf, barely any friends, and I cant even be certain that my POCD fears of unknowingly cybering with a minor did or didnt happen... im stuck in hell...

A month ago, we went to my sister’s place. There, I took care of a kitten. The day after I started taking care of it, the kitten died. We returned from my sister’s place three weeks ago. Three days ago, I went to the doctor, and the doctor told me that I had been bitten by ants or fleas. As a precaution, the doctor gave me two things. I am using them, but because of my OCD, this process is even harder for me. Now I need to go shopping, and my OCD tells me that if I shop incorrectly, I will never get rid of the fleas. It also tells me that if fleas jump onto my cleaning supplies and I use those supplies again, the fleas will infest me again. I have difficulty closing the lids of my cleaning supplies because I’m afraid that if the lids stay open, or even slightly open, they will lose their effectiveness. On top of that, I stay in a dormitory for university, which makes everything even harder. Sometimes I think that I will never be able to get rid of the fleas, and I’m afraid I’ll never be free of them. Other times, I wonder if I ever actually had fleas.