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I'm so worried about my close ones and sick of myself. For real events and I'm horrified that somehow we're going to go viral, turn into a forever meme, and get cancelled. I want to do fun things but I'm so scared of the outcomes and my mind plays it to be so catastrophic... and my social media posts involve a lot of people doing awful actions and I feel like I can't side anywhere or else I'd feel like a hypocrite. I know there's a video on YouTube 11 years ago where a close one of mine read a slur but in a casual way because they were a kid and didn't know what it meant and I'm really scared that it'll somehow go viral. 😓 I tried to hack into the channel to delete it but it wasn't possible. Then it reminds me of my own real events and I feel such an awful awful human being. God,,, "Maybe I'm a horrible being, maybe not, maybe this will happen, maybe not" maybe but I always remember that the internet is permanent. That's what gets me. Digital Footprint, Real-Events, said this stupid thing, had a stupid group chat, did this stupid action, the Internet is forever and people won't let things go when possible ! I feel so terrified and I know I can't do anything about it but I just wonder if anyone can relate to this right now. Or what, I'm just so out of this world at the current moment. :^(

Still haven’t heard from the person who said I was her “sister” and who always told me she loved me for almost three weeks now. We used to talk or text every day with her consuming too much of my time some days. Now, ever since she got into a relationship, if she’s still in one..I have no idea what’s happening in her life anymore… no contact whatsoever. I feel dumped. What makes this so hard is I have no immediate family, so this leads me to believe that no one really cares much about me. I feel completely alone in this world. I am anxious and hurting. I truly know that no one cares much for me. I’m no one’s family anymore. My parents are gone and I have no siblings. During a mini trip recently, she was on the phone w her new love while on vacation w a group of us. She did this frequently and even stood next to one of the group, leaving her just standing there while she was on the phone. I talked to her about it and asked her to please limit her phone usage and that I wanted quality time w my friend. A few years ago, our friendship ended when she was once again constantly on the phone. To be left w no contact out of the blue is heartless and unforgivable. I’m supposed to see her at a mutual friends gathering early in September and I can’t stand the sight of her at this point. I feel uncared about and like I’m disposable by anyone.

PLS HELP I have a theme where I’m paranoid if my boyfriend is a secret bad person / weirdo and even about myself too . He just got home from work after working 12 hours at night . He was knocked out laying down on the bed with our dog . I wanted to get under the blanket with them so I lift up the blanket and den he was holding our dogs leg but it looked like he was holding our dogs dick to me . So I woke him up and questioned him . I feel like my mind took it way for and thought he was holding our dogs dick but I think he was just holding his leg and of course his leg is near his private part area . My dog was laying like a bunny next him is the best way to describe how my dog was laying . I have a pitbull mix . Idk if I can find a pic of my dogs exact position. This happened about 15 mins ago and now I’m sitting here wanting to move on but now I can’t remember exactly what I seen even tho it was just recent . I want to say Ik my bf would never hurt an Animal . I’ve been with my bf for 5 years I feel like I would know by now if he’d wanted to hurt an animal . But I’ve had this theme where my mind would accuse my bf of horrible stuff or act like I seen horrible stuff that actually never happened once I calm down . Now I’m like what if he was actually holding his dick . The fact that I had to question and said that I thought you was holding his dick . But I think he was just holding his leg but the what ifs and the fact that I can’t even be 100 percent sure now even tho it’s just happened about 20 mins ago . Plus i think about if he was holding his dick I’m sure my dog would be uncomfortable and would’ve been moved ???? Right ??? I feel like I seen somebtign it my mind took it out of proportion. But it may looks like it but it wasn’t . Bc my dogs leg is closeto his private area . Plus whenever my bf is dead asleep he sometimes is grabby with my body subconsciously so I’m like what if what if . Now even tho I want to move on from , what if I move on and it was somebtign bad that actually happened but I can’t figure it out in my head even tho it just happened like literally 20 to 30 Mins ago . I’m tired of this . My mind could literally land someone in prison or myslef just bc I decided to believe my ocd or brain . Even my ocd we’ll make em believe I looked at something different than what it was even while it’s happening yk. Is there ppl that been through similar . Pls help .

Hello everyone How are you doing?? I am Muskan and I want to share my story Finally after 25 years I finally got a diagnosis and it was right Chronic Anxiety and OCD patterns that i developed late in life. Some people told you have autism and many agreed i have anxiety disorder but OCD no one told me and finally i got a good clinical psychologist who diagnosed me and it makes sense. When I was 10 year old i have not felt happy leave happy not even fine ( ofc the severity wasn’t when I was 10 it increased every year and reached upto a point where i collapsed functionally) IF YOU CAN provide me any help through your advice then please do. I know the rules of NOCD its upto you to advise. Since childhood, I have felt unusually fearful and hypersensitive compared to other people around me. Loud voices, scolding, tension, or anger affect me very deeply, even when others seem completely fine. Whenever someone raised their voice. I would automatically freeze like brain didn’t work, feel terrified, and sometimes cry without being able to control it. My nervous system reacts very strongly to anger and loud tones. In social situations and family gatherings, I would often naturally be extremely quiet and unable to speak . I constantly felt aroused and alert . Even small things, like someone not responding could make me anxious and overthink for hours. For most of my life, I felt trapped in fear internally. My mind was constantly filled with “what if” thoughts, catastrophic thinking and hypervigilance. A major experience happened on May 10, 2020, when I was alone at home watching TV. Suddenly, I started crying automatically for no obvious reason. Then I experienced vivid auditory flashback from when I was around 13 years old — it was of my aunt speaking something loudly. Immediately after that flashback, something changed inside me. For the first time in my life, my body felt relaxed and alive. My chest felt lighter, as if a huge amount of fear had left my body. For the first time my mind became calm and quiet. I stopped catastrophizing, felt emotionally safe, confident, comfortable, and mentally clear. Loud voices no longer terrified me during that period. Even when my father came home and scolded me for leaving the TV, AC, and lights on, I noticed that I was simply listening to him normally instead of freezing in fear like I usually would. That peaceful and confident state lasted for about three hours only. Afterwards my body and mind returned to the same fearful and hypervigilant state I had always known. Later, while doing somatic or body-focused work, I experienced similar moments four more times, where my chest would suddenly feel lighter and my thoughts would become calm and positive. During those moments, I felt mentally present, emotionally safe, and no longer trapped inside fear. However, those states only last a few minutes before disappearing again. In 2022, I had another unusual experience. For almost an entire day, I felt separated from my fear instead of merged with it. I could observe fear rising inside me every second but it was in the background like I was separated from it not feeling fear but I know what i am feeling. That experience made me realize that fear seems to be there all the time in the background. I have tried Escitalopram vortioxetine sertraline Paroxetine Desvenlafaxine vilazodone fluoxetine bupropion but none worked I am tired of trying medicines. medication worked but for like 5 minutes ,15 minutes for one day and it stopped my rumination but Paroxetine worked for one day only. I have really suffered and from 8 years finding solutions on my own. Taking medications from psychiatrist waiting to work but none worked. Found one good psychologist in January she says i have GAD with OC tendencies lots of worrying thoughts - what if ones and then multiple checking and lot of reassurance ( its more mental than physical i show physical traits as well but 10% only) i recently purchased Jonathan sir’s book complete freedom from ocd and i will read it. Some people can function with anxiety and OC both internally although (it’s very hard )and they can also function in the world. I couldn’t and when I couldn’t I asked for help. So it taught me to really don’t get locked up in head. I know thats not easy.

its been a year since i started stressing about my past mistakes. the urges to confess are still the same. the fear that my boyfriend will leave me is still there. the feeling that im terrible person being is still there. nothing changed only my memory is worse so i dont know whats real anymore. im still thinking about old things and new things that i keep remembering. im so scared that it will never go away or my boyfriend will leave because of everything i did even though hes not mad or sad about most of these things. i have been thinking about the same thing for a couple of days. im sick of it and im scared. it wasnt even an action, i was thinking bad things about him almost two years ago at the beginning of our relationship. i dont know what to do. i have to tell him about these thoughts but i dont want to hurt him or make him sad but if i think it would hurt him, then its something important that have to be said. im scared it will never go away it was supposed to get better but it never gets better.

hi! i’m lyndsey. i’m 22, and im struggling. about 4 years ago, i had my first panic attack - not an anxiety attack, a true, severe panic attack and it was on a plane. it made me physically sick (i get extremely nauseous) which then lead me to have health anxiety/ health ocd, agoraphobia. after struggling - at the time - i started medication, zoloft to be exact at 50mg. i have done great for the last 4 years. rarely any anxiety at all, no thoughts of health concerns, panic attacks quit. i thought i beat it. i lived my life and enjoyed it so much i even moved to a new city, alone! new york!!!!!! then, weirdly, i had a panic attack about 3 months ago now. i’m not sure why it happened, where it stemmed from. but since, i have completely gone in a spiral. back to googling, i’ve went to the ER twice now just this month. i’ve been housebound *mostly bed bound because im so full of fear. and the physical symptoms don’t help the health anxiety / ocd at all. obviously. my zoloft is not helping anymore, my doctor tried to put me up to 75mg, still not a budge. i’m now taking 50mg hydroxyzine, every 6 hours as needed. i take it twice a day mostly because i have a panic attack almost every morning and every night. i can’t sleep. i have the worst insomnia. i try tea, i try to meditate, nothing is really helping. any tips???? anyone else have severe physical symptoms? *headache for days / weeks (head pressure, head pains) *neck pain (like my head is too heavy) *dizziness / vertigo *fatigue *not wanting to eat *jaw pain *arm tingles, leg numbness *nausea *shaking, trembling, buzzing in body? *hot then cold then hot then cold (body temp not regulating) *heavy chest *etc.

I check my partner's ex's social media on what feels like a compulsive basis and I am trying to stop. It starts with a what if and there is a comparison piece to it too. Finding nothing doesn't settle it. I start looking for changes instead, and lately I've gone past her account to other ones to see what else is going on. So it keeps widening instead of closing. I also work fully remote, which I think makes it worse. There is no one around, no reason to put my phone down, and nothing structurally stopping me. The check takes ten seconds and no one would ever know. Except then ten seconds turns into ten minutes and turns into this never ending loop of looking for something. It feels like the urge has nothing standing between it and me all day. I know response prevention is the answer. What I want to know is what actually worked for you in the moment, especially if you work from home or are alone most of the day. And if anyone has dealt with the widening specifically, did it shrink back once you stopped checking the original account or did you have to work on it separately?

I feel panicked. I stumbled across a video of an ocd therapist explaining ROCD vs relationship issue and it seems like I have some relationship issues based on what she said. She said they usually are what’s actually going on & not what ifs or feelings. WELL I have some stuff that is actually going on and specific and falls into this category so I am spooked. I don’t want to address anything with my partner! AND not to mention sometimes I am triggered, feel very anxious about something and don’t do a compulsion until the next day or at all. Ive gotten true genuine feelings at times that FREAK me out usually the next day. I feel like I have real relationship issues now too. I feel terrified.

what is it called when I’m doing physical compulsions every couple of minutes like I constantly have to do it, and it causes me anxiety, I would say out of the 24 hours a day I do physical compulsions back to back for at least 4 to 5 hours,it’s kinda to the point where I try to take naps just so I won’t do physical compulsions I am so exhausted this shit is ruining my life

Despite the fact that she seems to think the world of me? I had met my current best friend in Junior year of highschool, and we only became truly close during our Senior year and the following few years. She's been basically the only person I've associated with (outside a few buddies I had before graduation) amidst my depression and my life basically falling apart. I've done a lot of rumination over my handful of years of having her in my life, and the conclusion I've come to is that I've been absolutely terrible to her, despite the fact that she swears up and down that it's not the case. The first point of rumination is just all the times I've said creepy/perverted stuff to her, tried to engage with her in a sexual way, etc. There's been so many moments throughout our 4+ years of knowing each other where I would say something dirty/flirty in hopes something would blossom, and it was either so ill timed she would call me out on it, or she didn't really realize the implication. A handful of occasions I had been a bit pushy/trying too hard without really realizing it, but as I've grown as a person over the last few years I end up remembering and feeling gross about it. I'm also struggling with a couple of false memories, or at least, what I HOPE are false memories, convincing myself that I either have tried/wanted to touch her without her wanting it at some point. She tells me that I haven't done that and she would remember if I did, but I'm so scared that I've wanted to do so at some point and convinced that I've tried at this point and the thought horrifies me. I sometimes feel like I only ever became her friend for sexual reasons, or something. Something I'm horrified could be true. A point my mind holds against me often is how I'll video call with her when she's in a state of undress, and it's like, I'll want to do it more because of it? As scummy as that sounds? What makes it worse, is that I talked to her the other night about things that we often do together that in my eyes are an intimate thing, whereas she sees them as stuff she does with close friends. Showering on the phone, stuff like that. Which makes me feel worse for pursuing a relationship like that with her when it was never there at all. The second point is largely a byproduct of the first point, where I had often felt immense guilt over my previous actions and would profusely apologize and deliberately avoid her for long periods of time. She's told me that I've caused her a lot of pain doing that to her, despite me feeling like it's the right thing to do quite often. So despite everything I've talked about, like I said, my friend doesn't have any issues with me. She swears up and down that I'm too hard on myself, and when I ask what exactly she wants out of our relationship, she says she just wants me to keep being who I've been, who in her eyes, is her chill friend she can talk about whatever with and play games with. All of what I've talked about isn't even a factor. Something me and her have talked about is how she's pretty dense when it comes to social things, so part of me can't help but wonder if I really have been as horrible as I think I have been, and she simply hasn't had it click. I care about her so much, man. Maybe high school me was only thinking about sex. I don't know anymore. All I know is that even if I didn't care back then, I DEFINITELY do right now. She's such an amazing person and easily the best HUMAN I've ever had in my life. That's why this is tearing me apart so thoroughly. The idea that I've been so horrible to the only person who actually CARES about me at all makes me lose sleep.

i just got out of inpatient but i sort of want to go back. the two real events that are most distressing to me, i did not talk through enough with my therapist. and im starting to feel sick.

Someone please help I feel so sick right now over this

Has anyone taken hydroxyzine for anxiety or sleep. I took a small chunk of one of my 25mg last night and knocked me out. Then I woke up feeling a little drunk. Has anyone had that happen?

Gosh, where do I start? I can’t believe this day has come. I truly never thought I’d make it to this point. Things are definitely NOT perfect, but I’m experiencing quiet days more and more often when I used to feel miserable and afraid almost every single day. The spikes still come, but I’m able to manage them more easily and quickly. I never thought I’d feel more like the old me again… and, for a time, I wasn’t sure if I’d even still be alive by now. I am far from where I was when I was crying and curled up in a ball on the floor nearly everyday. I’m able to show up for my family and friends in a way that feels less like faking it. But I KNOW it will continue to be a journey. There will still be hard moments. Hard days. Days where I wish to escape from the horrible feelings that come with OCD. But I’m so grateful for this supportive community, and my prayer is that we ALL conquer this thing together! ☀️🌈

I know that the whole point to exposure therapy is to eventually except and tolerate your OCD but what do you do when it feels like you’re betraying yourself and there is no point if you accept your OCD thoughts? if I accept that I don’t know what’s going with my relationship and maybe it will work out and maybe it won’t and maybe he’s the right one for me and maybe he’s not and why am I putting through so much effort to try and make it work why am I putting through so much effort to celebrate anniversaries? should I even celebrate an anniversary at this point because if I have accepted that it may not work then that means I have accepted failure? and why would I continue to pour love and energy and effort into something that is obviously broken and won’t fix?

I’m still having rumination but I’m not doing anything about it. It’s uncomfortable, but I know the price I pay for checking :( instead of checking I’m taking deep breaths and practicing my coping mechanisms. I know eventually this trigger will pass, I just need to hold out ;;

We need more solutions on NOCD! A lot of people are suffering and venting and sharing their experiences and a lot of "me too's" - which is great, which is needed for support - but we need MORE REAL WORLD SOLUTIONS! Especially for people (probably most) who haven't done ERP yet. I understand there is also a business model at play on NOCD. "Don't give them the milk unless they buy the cow." Some gate keeping going on. Some specifics and key details and in-depth knowledge that I feel is being gate kept (I could be wrong but idk). We're left on our own to fix ourselves. Which is fine, but OCD-ers are not mentally lazy, they are the opposite. They've tried everything under the sun and still need help. Along with questions and shared experiences, real info helps, real tips help, real solutions help. etc. So the community itself needs to try their best to give practical solutions and that could just be their own experiences. So I'll start. Off the top of my head, these are mine. Not saying they're the best or will work 100% for you or that they're rocket science or that' they're not already common knowledge, but I'm just sharing what's *helped* for me and maybe it's new info for one pereson. By "helped," I mean made this OCD hell a little less hot - but not cured. MY OCD TIPS: - Delay rumination (although this can become a problem on its own because in a way it keeps the habit of delaying a daily thing) - Get to the Core Fears - Stop drinking all caffeine, only do decaf - For anxiety, try magnesium glycinate and vitamin B. This calmed down my nervous system but it didn't stop the OCD - Ban rumination - Exercise - Recognize "oh this is probably an OCD thing going on right now." Just knowing that gives perspective, even if the theme is something that he feels he *needs* to do *right now.* Even if something is an issue or dilemma, even if something is super scary, even if something is triggering, there is NO MANDATE that says we have to FREAK OUT about it. We can choose how to response, we can choose to try to calm our nervous system down and "fight or flight" response. You have more control over these things than you realize. In my opinion, it's not rocket science, OCD begins and is continued by an addiction (to certainty), fueled by fear and doubt. But in the end, it's still an addiction. We need to proactively do things to stop fueling and propagating the addiction.

Hello, my partner has been suffering badly with his ocd for 2 years now. There have been ups and downs but the last week has been really down again. He has the tools he needs to disengage and not look into thoughts, but his fear is too great at the moment and he can’t seem to do that. He’s even worrying about how to disengage and is he doing it right. He has a therapist but I feel he doesn’t listen to him at times because he is too scared to stop doing compulsions.

Recently I’ve been ruminating and fearing that I might be trans and I’m living my life in the wrong body. I’m a gay male so I’ve always been drawn to more feminine things which is what I think is triggering this possibly. I also had stopped taking my medicine for a month or so recently and that’s when this idea of me being in the wrong body had started. Im back on my medicine now and the feeling is definitely dulled but it’s still coming up. I keep imagining if I woke up as a woman one day and I feel like it’s something I don’t mind? Could it be possible that I am trans and just worried of the consequences and life changes that would come if I chose to transition? I’m nineteen and my whole life I’ve identified as a male and have had no issue with it. However I’ve always wanted to have more feminine features so that brings me back to thinking the trans idea is not just OCD. I’ve been constantly checking on things like talking with my voice higher to see if it feels better, imagining myself as a woman to see if it feels like that’s something I need, imaging my life as a woman, looking in the mirror to see if I would pass as a woman if I do in fact need to transition, etc. It’s a really uncomfortable thing for me and having OCD definitely has made this a lot harder to get a true read on what’s going on. I guess what I’m trying to understand is the difference between actual gender dysphoria and gender ocd. If anyone has experienced something similar or just has any advice please share, it would be very helpful and much appreciated!

This diptych was written during a period of frustration with obsessive-compulsive disorder and the exhausting cycle of intrusive thoughts and compulsive rituals. Writing these poems became a coping skill: a way to give shape to experiences that often feel invisible and difficult to explain. The Phantom Vigil reflects the tightening grip of compulsion and rumination, while The Morning Reprieve explores moments of relief, resilience, and self-compassion. Together, the poems are less about recovery as a destination and more about enduring the cycle, loosening its hold, and finding moments of light within it. "The Phantom Vigil
 A phantom legion claims each chair,
And casts microscopic shadows there.
A heavy coating, thick and gray,
That water cannot rinse away.

You sanitize to make it clear,
To wipe away the phantom fear.
The hands repeat the frantic chore,
Through stinging burns and open sores.

The scald is hot, the soap is raw,
Submitting to an unseen law.
The skin turns red beneath the stream,
Trapped inside a silent scream.

You stand beneath the pounding spray,
To scrub the stubborn ghost away.
The friction burns, the water slips,
While silence locks your heavy lips.

No words are spoken, nothing said,
The raging war inside your head.
Yet phantom patterns start to grow,
Where simple water cannot go.

A word you said, a future dread,
A maze built deep within your head.
The skin is dried, a brief reprieve,
A fragile truce you want to weave.

The gears lock tight, the mind spins fast,
The phantom thought repeats the last.
The trap resets, the loop stays tight,
And back to the tap you go tonight." “The Morning Reprieve
 The phantom legion slinks away,
Dismissed beneath the morning rays.
The sunlight spills across the floor,
To soothe the sting of raw and sore.

The basin stands in quiet view,
As morning builds the world anew.
You pause before the silver rim,
And hope the phantom thoughts will dim.

The scald is gone, the water cool,
You strive to break the rigid rule.
The skin is pink, the water clear,
You breathe against the lingering fear.

You look down at the heavy tap,
And wish to leave the midnight trap.
The friction fades, the shadows part,
A prayer for healing in the heart.

No words are spoken, none required,
The raging war is only tired.
You trace a path that might stay clear,
Where simple hope can venture near.

The future dread you try to ease,
Replaced by early morning breeze.
The hands are dry, the air is clean,
You linger in the space between.

The gears unlock, the wheels run slow,
You wait for softer tides to flow.
You keep the loop from pulling tight,
And wish this strength would last the night."