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working to conquer OCD
Can anybody look at my most recent post titled what to do when you feel like the aggressor? I’m not asking for reassurance I’m asking if anybody went through something similar to give me tools on how to overcome
tw: 21+ looking for advice on treatment i dont know where to go for all this. im sure people know generally whats bothering me now as ive posted a few times about it. but due to no responses, im feeling like this isnt OCD guilt and fears that im experiencing. ive had POCD for years at this point. i remember the earliest i experienced this was in highschool in my photography class. but since the beginning of this year ive engaged in sexual behaviors that while legal, are generally looked at questionably and not seen as normal. the first time i engaged in this behavior it caused me distress, i went to inpatient, got reassurance. came out and continued the behavior. then i had a distressing experience, and i stopped the behavior for months, just ruminating and feeling ill about the whole thing. then i talked to a close friend about it all and they reassured me, i felt better and started going back to generally bad habits. and one night while i was using, i relapsed on the sexual behavior. not in the same way, and i didnt even get off to anything, but i just looked. i started to spiral and i posted on reddit, bad idea. and from there i started constantly testing and checking if my fears were valid. and it felt so much more real bc of what some people were saying this meant about me. i felt like it must be true. ive been getting so many intrusive thoughts and intrusive feelings like the gronial. its been so distressing. i dont know what treatment i should even look for right now. substance abuse, sex/porn addiction, ocd, all three? should i do inpatient/residential or outpatient? im so confused. if anyone takes the time to read this and has any thoughts please let me know its weird like i have an actual sexual behavior that needs to be killed dead and distanced from. but my ocd is becoming a factor in the sense of how im catastrophizing. the intrusive thoughts. the non-accordance. the testing and checking. even though that feels like something i must do. it all is blending together and its killing me.
It’s long, but pls take the time if you can. 🫠❤️ I just had a really.. interesting situation happen. I was out with a boy tonight. Not a formal date or anything, but we had a BLAST. SO much fun. Nothing happened between us, but I guess it was implied that we were hanging out as a boy and a girl, attracted to the opposite gender if ykwim? So nothing serious but kinda somewhat I could see him being into me. I’ve had to build up the courage to do this because of the guilt I felt after my ex found out I was going out again. I know he can’t control me, but I kept saying I wanted to get back together with him (I do) and he kept declining and keeping me in a weird spot so I decided to just go out again and he was extremely sadenned by the thought of me doing that. I told him I wouldn’t again until he MAYBE came back but I did decide to go back out when I realized how stupid I sounded/he blocked me… then in the middle of the hangout, my ex unblocked me. He texted me. He didn’t know that I was out with anyone- hell, he knows the guy. That’s the worst part. I didn’t respond, I blocked him before he could say anything further, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Why did he unblock me? He’d be CRUSHED if he found out I was hanging out with someone else during that, which I know doesn’t matter but to me it really does because I told him I wouldn’t (but again, he then disappeared so everyone convinced me to stop putting my life on hold..) I have no clue what to do now. I won’t answer him. I even switched colleges to get away from the temptation. I miss him so bad it hurts, but part of me knows right now is the time to get out there and just date around to see what really matters to me. But I feel massive guilt and mourning towards him.. and I think I want to be just friends with this other guy. I don’t even know what advice I’m looking for, but if you have anything I’d appreciate it a lot. I’m not looking to just “move on”… it feels like starting a story with an unfinished one in the background. Idk it doesn’t feel over
I did things in 3rd grade and if you know what I mean it’s playing house. And I told my bf this story in detail and if you want me to go more in depth I posted one today and few hours ago but my brain convinced me since that happened what else could have happened and showed me sexual images. I’ve been having these images for months and never said anything but remembering playing house I’ve always reminded because I felt like an aggressor that traumatized someone.
Hi there. I haven’t been on this platform for quite a while now, because I have been doing very good regarding my OCD. I have had a lot of therapy and, yes, it will get better for you too :) But. Sometimes my OCD, and especially ROCD, will flare up once in a while. I used to have a lot of thoughts about wanting to break up with my boyfriend. I still have them, but they don’t result in me telling him we have to break up because my brain wants me to. We have made plans to move in together about 3 years ago. I am still studying, so I don’t have any money to rent anything bigger than my current room. My boyfriend was also still studying when we decided this. We wanted to wait until he was ready to work and earn some money for us to rent an appartement. But it took him a long time to finish his studies with a lot of delay (he has ADHD and autism, so some things are just harder for him). 6 months ago, he finally finished it and I am soooo proud of him. And I thought: Yes! Now we can move in when he gets a job! But he hasn’t been able to find a job yet… Getting a job these days can be really hard and frustrating. I understand that and I try to be the supportive partner. But my family and friends keep asking me questions about his job hunting. I constantly feel like it’s my responsibility to get him a job or something or else my family and friends will think we should break up. It sounds insane, but I keep thinking this. My boyfriend though is very stubborn and doesn’t want to listen to my advise about job hunting. And because he needs to be careful with his money, we can’t do all the fun stuff that we used to do anymore… Last week he finally had an interview and it went great. It was his dream job and close to his home and on my route to school. But he didn’t get it. It’s been 3 days and he is still so grumpy about it. Like, I get it, but I also just want him to keep job hunting and have fun together. And meanwhile my family keeps asking me all these questions that I don’t even know the answer to. One of them even asked: how are you to doing in your relationship now? Maybe a totally innocent question, but for my ROCD this is food… Anyway, I just wanted to share this. Probably someone recognizes this feeling of being out of the woods with OCD, but still having flare-ups that can feel really heavy.
i was smoking weed consistently for over a year (started when i met my bf) but im trying to cut back now. i am on meds and was at a good place with my ocd before i started smoking regularly. i really enjoyed how weed made me feel and i liked how it muffled my thoughts. however, smoking as much as i was isn’t healthy and i need to cut back a lot. the problem is that now i am much more present and my ocd is coming back full force it feels like. intrusive thoughts like i haven’t had in years, cant have anything even slightly look off or i have to adjust it 10 times until its “perfect”. every time i drive at night i have a debilitating fear that someone is in my car and is going to strangle me while im driving. it feels like i’m turning into my old self and i cant handle it i don’t want to be consumed by the ocd again, but i also can’t rely on weed to help.
Hey! Having intrusive thoughts and impulses have always been apart of me. I wanted to try this app/community out because only within the past year did I start to question if I could have OCD or a form of it, severe or not. I got into my first relationship at 18 and we were together for 3 years, broke up for 9 months, and recently got back together. I am a black, fem, gay man with not much experience, and my boyfriend is primarily white with past relationships. This being my first relationship, it had hit me pretty hard as I had a lot insecurities of his intentions and his past exes. i became obsessed with stalking his exes social medias and comparing myself. I had become extremely co dependent from having a hard time within my home/parents, so my boyfriend became my everything at the time. Even getting back together maybe a month into everything, I started repeating some patterns and habits. Obsessing over him and his life, wanting us to be “where we were before”. Since our getting back together, he’s made a lot of efforts to reassure me and wanting to prove me of his maturity, that being a reason for our separation (mostly was me needing space and feeling incapable of dating). Its been really great but again I’m comparing myself. Ruminating on past events or made up scenarios has always been something I struggled with, with or without a relationship. I started seeking validation anyway I can, feeling as though my life has no control and that I was mentally insane. I’ve been obsessively cleaning my space and seeking things that I know I have control over (video games, weed, drinking). I feel jealous that he’s better than before and I feel as though I still need so much reassurance. I now doubt myself and my ability to trust us again, but I want to make an effort to better myself, mostly for my mental health and the security of our relationship. Just yesterday I blew up at him for being “better than me” and he recommended that I started to find some healthy sources in my life that didn’t always involve him and I took offense. I immediately understood his POV this morning and have been trying to save myself again. Of course there’s so much more minor details but I wanted to try and fit as much of my thoughts as I could. I apologize for this being so long LOL but expressing myself has been a goal of mine this year so this is me doing just that. I hope someone resonates or just likes to read. :) photo is me
I have a horrible compulsion of using Gemini any time a fear or anxious thought pops into my head, I’m so embarrassed Because I know this can’t be good for my ocd. Has anyone else experienced this compulsion and what have you done that has helped you with this
If i did something within the realm of testing what my partners reaction to something would be, am I a bad person and manipulative? When i laid down for bed, I purposely left my phone open on a post about something relating to a problem in our relationship simply because I was hoping it would get him to ask me about it and we could talk i guess without having to bring it up myself. I struggle with worries of being annoying or repetitive when it comes to talking about serious issues, so I guess this seemed like a good alternative to try and jumpstart the conversation without having to be the one to start it. Im aware this is like. Super attention seeking behavior and im not proud of it in any way. i dont do anything to purposely make him feel bad or cause strain in the relationship, I guess i do just have bad avoidant behaviors so I try to be sneaky about it. My therapist has said behaviors like this could stem from my ocd and are compulsions as well which makes sense in certain circumstances, but im not so sure about this. Im not asking for sympathy or kindness, just the truth of if im a bad partner for this behavior.
My main OCD is ROCD. Basically anytime I feel like my partner has the opportunity to cheat, I get bad anxiety to the point of shaking and sweating, I’m constantly imagining scenarios of how she’s cheating, who with, where, why etc. it’s overwhelming, you’d think when my partner isn’t home I’d take advantage and play games or guitar really loud, because I love doing those things, but if I don’t know for sure she’s not cheating, I can’t even think about doing anything other than shaking and torturing myself with fake scenarios. Are there ways to cope? Stop worrying? Stop asking myself questions? Even if I stopped asking the questions, new questions like “what if I drop my guard and she cheats and gets away with it” pops into my head. How do I win this game??
Today has been the worst spiral I’ve had for weeks. There is this constant memory in my head that I can’t shake because I’m terrified. Basically 2 years ago on Halloween of 2024 an old guy friend messaged me on Snapchat. I remember I was in the shower and went on my phone to check something, I saw his chat and I clicked on it and I do not remember at all what he said. I do remember replying to it and then about 5 ish minutes later I unadded him and another guy because I didn’t want my fiancé (bf at the time) to think I was cheating or anything, I think if I can remember that’s why I removed them because I didn’t want all these guys on my snap from highschool or anything that I used to talk to to be on there, my anxiety was really bad around October, so I think I removed them out of respect for my relationship (me saying I think is even making the spiral worse.) That’s all I remember. But I’ve been spiraling over this thought for almost 2 years because the memory keeps getting fuzzier and fuzzier. Basically I’m terrified because I keep having the occurring thought about “what if I cheated and removed him to hide the evidence.” I’m so scared. After I removed him I remembered I felt good because I felt like a loyal girlfriend, but now I think that’s what happened because I’ve been thinking on it for days to the point where the memory is even more fuzzier. But I’m scared my brain is telling me that “I felt good because I deleted evidence of cheating.” Etc. I think if I can remember I removed those guys out of respect for my fiancé (bf at the time) and I didn’t want/feel the need to have any guy friends or talk to them because I had my man. I’m scared about what if I’m making this up and I actually did something unloyal. What if I felt good afterwards because I hid cheating evidence? I dont know what to believe and my memory of the whole event is so fuzzy.OCD has been the worst thing I’ve ever dealt with. I feel like I can’t trust myself, the reason why this is bothering me so bad is because a long time ago when my fiance and I first started dating, I struggled with explicit content. I would watch it, and (embarrassing part) I’d play this game called character ai and I’d create like explicit/spicy stories on there etc. For awhile, I hid the character ai game from my fiancé (bf at the time) because I think it was out of embarrassment. And later on I told him and told him that i was nervous to tell him because I didn’t know what he’d think about it. Now onto the ocd part, my ocd is telling me that “if you hid that, then you definitely cheated and hid that too, thats why you removed the guy and deleted him and a few other guys too. You definitely sent a nude, you definitely flirted.” And so on and so on. It never stops ever and i dont know how to deal with this anymore. Has anyone else’s ocd ever gotten this bad? Mine also gets terrible at work whenever i interact with male customers. It tells me I flirt, cheat and I also get these bad intrusive thoughts. Worst thing ever.
I actually don't even know what is happening to me. At all. I've had these thoughts for 8 years now. Fear of relationships. I don't feel anything towards men. But not towards women either, even though I'm afraid that I do or that I will. I have no interest in relationships, even though deep down in my soul I long for love, a relationship, and children—because otherwise, it wouldn't bother me if I didn't want it deep down. I just don't want to be a lesbian. I've even lost interest in watching romantic TV shows/movies and reading books. I'm afraid of relationships. I feel like running away from everything, and I feel as if I have no sexuality at all.
So I’ve been friend with this guy for a few months, just friends, but recently our friendship has developed into something a bit more. I was taking it very slow and he was so sweet and kind to me. However, the age gap is 6 years. He’s younger than me and it’s making me freak out a little bit. He’s 18 and I’m 24, I met him through my cousin and him and his friend joined our group of friends. We then realised we play the same games online and joined us playing. We then also realised we like the same everything, films, music, we know the same roaming niche facts and enjoy the same random stuff. We say the same things at the same time, we think the same things, and when we’re together I’m weirdly myself which I’ve never been before. Never once have I felt able to me fully myself around someone. But recently my Brian has been calling myself the most disgusting names, I’ve been freaking out and worrying that I’m a bad person for liking him. I turned him down a few times because of his age, but when I realised he’s a mature guy, that he’s in a very similar position in life to me, that he’s working full time, wanting to travel, wanting to enjoy life and to not go around messing around, that I realised he’s actually such a genuine guy. I’ve never met a guy who knows how to tell you how he’s feeling, to share how he feels about you. Everyday he called me adorable, cute, that he loves when I smile, that I’m gorgeous or that if I ever need him all I have to do is ask, and I never feel like he’s disappearing. He keeps me updated. But yeah my brain won’t stop looking for reassurance on the internet that I’m not doing anything wrong, my mum and dad have the same age gap, happily married with 2 kids, but because I’m the older woman it feels like I’m gonna get attacked and then my brain goes “yeah well a random person on the internet said it’s wrong so now it’s wrong” but I’m not with him because of his age, I’m with him because he’s proven to me how much he adores me. All my friends can see it as well, they all say “from the second he saw you he was whipped, he doesn’t fake his eyes off you, and when you’re together you both just fit”
But I’ve had an OCD Diagnosis for over 10 years. As the evaluator was explaining her findings, I expressed frustration about ERP mostly not working for my OCD (after multiple attempts) and she seemed to think that that made sense with my neurodivergence. Anyone else can relate? What are you doing for your OCD? Note - I just went to a specialist for the autism evaluation, but this is not my ongoing provider. I honestly don’t know who can address my OCD now..
i really want to google about how never having had a bf or relationship in 34 years what that means about me and just trying to accept the uncertainty but idk i keep getting the intrusive thought lately that everyone thinks im g** and everyone is waiting for me to come out and that what if im feeling attraction to certain friends i know im not attracted to even writing this instead of sitting with it feels like a compulsion ... like confession compulsion or ruminating to people who might relate and if they relate then im not xyz... it really sucks because for a while there i thought i found a great guy and he and this other guy were just using me to jerk off long distance dating apps and now im alone and i feel this like whats the point in dating or trying
I have this really scary thing that happens, with my harm ocd where I will suddenly think about my intrusive thought and I think ‘imagine if I done it anyways/acted on it anyways’ or it’s almost like an urge and it feels like your going to actually go and do that intrusive thought and it feels like an intense urge almost like I want yo actually go and do it or that it’s like I have to do it (similar to the feeling of wanting do compulsions except you obviously can’t do it because it’s a harm intrusive thought) idk how to explain it but it’s a killing intrusive thought usually about my mum and it’s so scary but in the moment it feels so real and like I can bring it on anytime and it feels so real like it’s my own feeling and like it could happen like acting on impulse and it’s really horrible has anyone else experienced something similar. I’m scared because it feels almost like you could lose control or almost like it feels like I want to do it and i don’t understand why it feels sometimes like I want it or like it. It’s really confusing and I’m scared
I have alot of scary dreams but not in the way most people would have a scary dream, where they’re being chased or hurt or something negative happening to them, i’m always the perpetrator. it TERRIFIES me because i never see anyone who has those sorts of dreams and im so terrified im a horrible person. i hate that people think dreams have meanings because now im scared my subconscious wants to hurt people and ill suddenly spin out of control. i’m not sure what to do as this is really really upsetting me. i don’t want to hurt anyone but what if i secretly do.
I saw my ex again recently. I was just dropping something off, but I mentioned how much I missed him and I confessed I had gone out with other guys in the past couple weeks. We had broken up two months ago but had been actively hooking up, still saying I love you, the whole nine yards (until he kicked me out of his life out of nowhere, which led me to accept the dates). He made me feel like the devil. Obviously he was sad, which is fair, and I feel for him in a way. I know he still loves me and our situation is far from typical and we both hurt each other. but he made me feel like a total h0e and was in complete shock. To be fair, I wanted to get back together with him, and he knew that so I see the shock- and I still partially do hope he comes back- but he himself said he probably wouldn’t come back, to not wait for him, etc. after all of it I told him I wouldn’t talk to guys anymore while healing from this… and then he randomly blocked me on absolutely every single thing the next day. One of the guys I was hanging out with prior to this interaction reached out again. Do I hangout with him?? I know my ex will return 100% and I work with him soon so I’ll inevitably be in contact with him. This other guy is a good time and distraction though, and isn’t looking for anything serious and won’t hook up with me or anything. If I sound horrible please point that out too. I’m willing to see all sides of this. Maybe too willing. ( I have ROCD if you were wondering how this ties into this app )
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. He’s my first serious longterm relationship. Before I always struggled with keeping relationships and broke them up quite quickly (mostly after one week to 9 months). I always thoughts about not feeling it, having doubts and having the urge to leave or suddenly got thoughts about me being gay when I’m not. I always gave in to this urge and sometimes regretted it. I blamed it on my age but looking back I had signs of ROCD and SOOCD. I met my boyfriend on hinge and was imminently into him. We talked for like 4 months before making it official. Sadly we’re long distance but we see each other pretty often. Before him I had some bad experience with two other guys who cheated on me and broke my trust. Since I already have low self esteem since my childhood it made it even worse. I came from a household where both of my parents cheated on each other. My boyfriend had one long term gf before me and I was imminently obsessed with her. I was convinced that he still loved her. She broke up when she was traveling alone in another country over the phone to find herself. She did not gave him any reasons so it’s quite understandable that it hurt him. She came back in august 2024 (still in our talking stage) and they meet up for a last talk and for him to get his stuff back. I was so worried that something will happen but he promised that nothing happened. I still look at her social media to this day. My boyfriend reassurances me that he mostly did like her as a friend and their relationship felt more like a friendship to him and was sad that he lost her as a friend. He does not miss her as a girlfriend because most of the time they just fought. In the beginning of our relationship I stalked his location, social media, friends and got mad when he didn’t text me back quickly. My whole mood depended on it. During his exam phase he was quite busy and couldnt text that much. Another thing what bothered me were other attractive women. I always scanned the area to look for women that matched his type and got mad at him. During our talking stage he went on a cruise trip alone (booked before we met) and meet a girl there which he hung out with in a bigger group. They were the same age and hung out as friends. She texted him a year later on ig to give him an update on a contest she told him about on the trip. I found it weird since she had his number but he showed me the chat. This girl had zero respect for herself or other people. She texted him quite often and tried flirting with him. My boyfriend sadly isn’t the smartest and texted her back in a friendly way. He told her he had a girlfriend after the second time she asked (which i found weird). She was lowkey mad and told him if it doesnt work out he can always talk to her. He didn’t understand. I told him to ask for her intentions and she asked if I found out and said she never wanted to make me feel hurt and she always texts to her guy friends like that. He blocked her after and deleted their messages. He sometimes makes jokes without thinking and some of them were meh. But he always apologized. Another thing that threw me off was when we’re dating he out of curiosity looked on hinge what kind of people where living in my city (when he visited me). When I caught him he explained and said he was just curious and was sorry that he hurt me and deleted the app. (We both still had it during the time because of our first messages lol I still had it too). All this things kinda hurt but he always worked on it and did better. He said that he doesn’t want to lose me and will so anything to keep me. And he keeping his word. In march this year I went to my exam phase and he did too. I was mad again for him being busy. Something in me flipped. Mid march on our holiday in Norway I got strong break up urges/thoughts and immense doubts. They always changed from do I love him, Am I gay?, His looks, His personality, my past relationships, am I still in love with my ex, his past mistakes, hating him and so on. They changed quite quickly. I’m in a spiral since and my head hurts so much. I wake up and have these thoughts all day. I don’t feel lovely dovey anymore or have the butterflies. What bothers me that he did make some mistakes and I forgave him and he did better. But now all I can see are these mistakes and not the good things in him. It’s like my brain is scaning for advice to break up. I don’t want to really. I always found it easier to hate someone instead of forgiving them. I was always a negative person. Now I’m asking for some advice from other people. Are these actual concerns or is my ROCD making everything worse.
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