- Date posted
- 17d
my brain is trying to convince me iāve always been in trans denial and it was a matter of time before i found out because i used to hang out with boys and i have boyish humour and i used to pretend to be a boy with my sister as a joke when we were like 6 and 8 what if all of that means something I just saw this video of a little boy playing Fortnite and i donāt know why but i got a little jealous of boyhood for a moment like if i, a girl play fortnite (which i do) most of the time weāre seen as pick mes or just less than boys. plus the female fortnite circles online get a lot of hate and in my opinion i donāt like it very much either and iām worried that makes me trans. Itās weird because iāve never felt any discomfort with my gender until october last year. pfft not even discomfort. the thing is last year i had this fixation in squid game and the biggest character ship was In-ho and Gi-hun. i shipped them too. they got the most attention so my mind went boy x boy = funny and trendy. girl x girl = boring. so i started picturing myself (as a woman) being the dominant one in a relationship so i could be cool like a boy. and one day i saw this video in october 2025 saying āiām a girl but i wanna be in a mlm relationship.ā i resonated with that. i checked the comments and the top one was āthis is how i found out i was transā. i got scared so i went onto chatgpt and it gave me all these labels like demigirl although i didnāt feel like a boy i was also quite alternative so everyone in that community was sort of apart of the lgbtqia community too so i just thought ok thatās me. i didnāt feel masculine. i felt alt. fast forward to november i had a dream i was wearing a suit and tie and that was because i was stressed about the trans thing. thatās what really set it off. now itās march and itās worse than ever. today i tested if i liked having a deep voice and i felt dizzy, wanted to cry and anxious. and now i just feel like i am one and it makes me so sad. i was diagnosed recently and i canāt stop questioning the diagnosis. iām not asking for any reassurance i just need to vent. and hear opinions. iām currently struggling with tocd and up until recently the thoughts have started to come with false emotions. i get butterflies a lot when iām anxious and sometimes i get scared that the butterflies are actually me being drawn to the thought. so i just want to summaries my whole experience with this disorder. so, when i was only 4 years old i had a very strong urge to touch all of the corners in the room. nothing would feel right if i didnāt. when i was 10 i had to do everything 6 times, had to say ānight, nightā as my last words, and had to get to the door before the garage closed or i thought iād die. when i was 11, i started experiencing what i think was existential ocd. nothing felt real. i constantly asked my mum for reassurance that iām real. i remember avoiding going out because i felt so dissociated. i was so scared of developing derealisation and depersonalisation and frequently checked in mirrors to see if i recognised myself, and i would also type out the word āderealisationā on a keyboard on my ipad to see if the word came up. if it didnāt come up, i felt okay. but i literally couldnāt watch movies like the matrix because i was terrified. now fast forward to when i was 12, i feared i was becoming a psychopath. i genuinely worried that i would grow up to be a murderer. i would have frequent intrusive images that would cause distress. i also had pocd around this age. for pocd in particular, i saved many tiktok videos to reassure myself that i wasnt becoming a pedofile. omg i also always thought i had posted something onto social media and always had to check that i did. now iām almost 14. yeah, iām young. but my current theme tocd is really not questioning. iām going to summarise my experience with it a little bit here. i use envy men a lot. like i always thought they got more attention, more power and people swooned over them more than women. i was introduced to a popular fandom at the start of 2025 which i literally loved. the main ship were two straight men. i shipped them. i admired the dynamic. their ship got the most attention in the show. i of course blamed that on gender. i got very jealous of the attention and wanted to be in a relationship like that. like i would try and act like one of the characters (i didnāt try to look like him i just wanted to be like him because he seemed cool) and imagined myself being with a boy (me as a girl though) and basically āwearing the pantsā in the relationship because the more dominant man in a mlm or even the most dominant person in a straight ship always seem like the coolest. i still imagined myself as a woman like i didnāt want to be in a gay relationship, i wanted to be in a straight relationship. but in October last year i saw a video that resonated with me. it said āi want to be in a mlm relationship as a womanā and the top comment was āthis is how i found out i was trans btwā and that dont scare me. but then i got curious. i didnāt feel like a boy and i still donāt now. so i went onto chat gpt⦠yeah i know. not the best. but i told it about what i was going through and it said all these different labels which i didnt understand. demigirl however, resonated with me. at least i thought it did. i few weeks later it kinda just wore off. but i started to get involved with political matters and yada yada i was an alt girl. i was very accepting of the lgbtqia community. i wanted a future in human rights or politics. i think i kind of tried to push labels onto myself as the alt community is very diverse. so i just left that aesthetic because again, it wore off. but in november i had a dream of me wearing a suit and tie. it freaked me tf out. like i was asking chatgpt why i had that dream. this is where my tocd started. (i have a history with ocd). i basically got really scared and started compulsively checking my memories, my feelings and i had so many uncomfortable intrusive thoughts of me as a boy. god itās scary. this ocd subtype ruined my holiday, my christmas and more. all of the things i wrote here are extremely hazy as ocd kind of gives me false memories. so, yeah. i donāt feel like a guy. never have. i literally had pinterest boards of feminine clothing i wanted to wear when i was a mum/older. all i ever wanted was to be a beautiful, feminine woman. i forgot to mention that the other night i did my makeup and felt so happy. i was happy with what i looked like and for a moment, i felt absolute certainty in my gender. but then the doubt came back in. iām so worried because it feels like i like the thoughts sometimes, especially when the anxiety fades for a second, an intrusive thought comes up like ābut it would be cool and unique to be a boyā and then i panic because why did i have a split second of false desire? Iāve noticed that my brain often gets intensely interested in new ideas, objects, or changes, even if they donāt match what Iāve always wanted. For example, when I loved Barbies, I wanted more and more of them, and that intense interest eventually faded. The same pattern has been showing up with pronouns ā when I was reading someoneās pronoun list, my brain latched onto āhe/himā because of the way it sounds. I really like the soft āiā in āhimā and āhis,ā and I even thought āshe/himā sounded cool because of how it flows. This reaction seems similar to how I enjoy lists, collecting things, and exploring possibilities ā my mind gets excited by novelty and options, but the excitement doesnāt necessarily reflect a desire to change my identity. At the same time, I recognize that āhe/himā is masculine, and imagining myself being referred to that way feels forced and uncomfortable. My real-life instinct is clear: being called āhe/himā is not me, and I donāt want to present masculine. I realized that liking the sound of something doesnāt mean I want it to apply to me. Iāve also noticed some anxiety when wearing feminine clothing that I previously enjoyed, which seems connected to my brainās hyper-awareness and over-analysis around gender-related things. This doesnāt mean my preferences have changed ā itās just that anxiety and overthinking are blocking the natural comfort and enjoyment I used to feel. Overall, my experiences fit the pattern of TOCD: my brain gets caught up in analyzing and questioning identity-related ideas, often creating temporary spikes of interest or concern, even though my core feelings about myself remain consistent.