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the NOCD Community

Please share your journeys with prayer and OCD as a catholic if possible! Much appreciated

Scary doesn’t mean true! We can have literally any thought pop into our heads, however the OCD will usually latch onto the ones we find the scariest. Imagine having a thought about something great happening to you. It just pops in your mind. Something great will happen unless you do _____. This seems so foreign to our constantly sympathetic OCD brains which are always on high alert in fear of danger and constantly walking on egg shells to avoid it. Instead, the thoughts we all know and don’t love, which look just like this thought above with the exception of one word, consume our daily lives. This is not because they are the most pertinent or likely to occur, but instead because they set off alarm bells that says we need to make sure (for certain! ahh!!) that this won’t happen. Now this is not where it ends. The doubt arises when we surmise that this scary thing is so close and so scary that I just need to be certain. I need to be certain that this thought, out of many that i have, is not true. These thoughts become increasingly more present as our brain starts to recognize that we respond for them with a fear response (compulsions, cortisol), our hardwired systems to fight or flight, which furthers our feelings that these thoughts are pertinent because they are so present and intrusive. The doubt cannot be as easily relieved for us with OCD, and it soon spirals out of control. Learning how to recognize the doubts that we have and their disordered origins and functions of facilitating the way we cycle through OCD was crucial to me not only avoiding the pull of these loops, but also, whenever they show up to understand that I am safe even if they do. Our brains with OCD become wired to automatically or quickly respond to the fear and anxiety that our thoughts give us with certain implied solutions. It is in our very DNA to avoid harm and make sure that whenever fear happens, we don’t some thing about it. this is not bad alone, but it becomes disordered when it becomes we think everything is threatening, and can’t quite get past the feeling of “what if” it’s not certainly okay. In other words, knowing that the thoughts that we have and the consequential meaning our brain tries to create from these thoughts is what is keeping us engaged in disordered behaviors is very eye opening. To know that the doubts are made in our own minds and are not legitamate is helpful. A final example can be of the thought of eating a lemon. Think about the way eating a lemon makes you feel. Taste it in your mouth, you can almost know exactly how it tastes. Smell it, feel the peel. These thoughts are all very sensory and there, but in reality, do you have a lemon? No. But the thoughts of having the lemon were there. Now given that (assuming) this lemon is not something that sparks your disordered thoughts, this won’t be something that disturbs you. ERP is like giving you a bunch of scary lemons until you realize that the thought of tasting the lemon doesnt mean it’s actually true. ICBT is realizing that just because you have that thought of tasting the lemon, feeling it in your hands, smelling it, doesn’t mean it’s actually true.

So for the past decade or so I have more or less lives out my life on the internet. It either drove my OCD or my OCD drove my internet use, primarily through the form of research. I initially started using it due to loneliness - i had no friends at school and argumentative parents as a- and I went into social media especially due to that. I have averaged something like 15-17 hours of screen time a day for several years especially after leaving school for uni, as less structure made my screen time much worse. I am now on the verge of finishing university, and having seen a therapist for a bit my OCD has improved a lot, but my screen time has not changed and I think it's sort of a roadblock for my OCD, and with the depression I have more generally. But if I stop using it, I feel bored and lonely and I don't really have any friends to do anything with and I haven't developed enough social skills to be confident enough to go out and do things so I kind of just continue. I don't do things other than social media either because other activities make me feel lonelier (I'm aware that social media doesn't really have human interaction/connection of course, but that's the feeling I get). I haven't developed any other interests either I could engage with so I just carry on. It has depressed me - both the general side effects of spending so long on screens but also the fact that I just exist for the internet, and I don't even like it. I feel lonely, and it depressed me to read how people say it's going to be even harder for me to make friends in the future, or try out new things now that I'm about to graduate. I don't really know how to move on from someone who effectively existed on the internet to living in the real world. I think that's holding me back from progress.

UPDATE: with my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty... I cant handle the anxiety... Im doing horribly right now because I feel so so guilty about this... I have my lovely girlfriend & I wanna be with her for the rest of my life... (shes 22 and I'm 24) I've been dating her for almost 3 months now... and I wanna marry her one day... but right now, I feel like I don't deserve her... especially because of this situation... and its all my fault... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately abusing and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ s*xual HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person because of politics... I vented to her a second time because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I'm so genuinely triggered... I don't want to be a P or a MAP or a groomer or a bad person... I wanna be a good person who does good things for other people... I dont want to be arrested for any crimes... I just want to be a good person who helps people in the medical field... I only want to help others... the last thing I want is to commit any form of harm towards minors in any way... 😭😭😭

Prozac has SAVED me, but I developed ROCD pretty bad during my last flare up. I’ve had ocd my whole life so it attacking what meant the most to me was an always, it focused on religion, but now it’s switched to my fiance. I am about 3 weeks in, I do believe this is temporary because last time I went on a med I was temporarily numb due to the shifting phase. But I am getting minor anxieties. It’s like muted. But it’s thoughts claiming I fell out of love with him because I can’t feel it. Or I have to leave him because I’m clearly not in love with him. Can anyone help me please?

Hello! I have a question: has anyone ever experienced intrusive thoughts that make them question whether their brother, sister, or parents are bad people, or dilemmas that call into question their morality? I'm living through hell thinking I'm a bad sister if she finds out about these thoughts.….

I’ve been learning a lot more about what’s in the Epstein files and it’s just been insane. I’m having trouble figuring out what pure coincidence or connected, what conspiracies are true or not. A lot of people have conflicting opinions on what they saw in the files, which leads me to doing endless digging for a solace answer on the matter to the point it becomes harder and harder to accept doubt and put down the shovel. I’ve also found myself constantly losing my appetite because of how downright revolting these crimes, allegations, and possible rumors are, constantly questioning what’s in my food and what I’ve been eating my whole life. Just wanted to try and post here to get some advice and feedback on how I can manage a bit better, as it’s been warping my sense on reality and genuinely freaking me out for the past few days, not being helped by the weather inhibiting my accessibility outside the house.

For all those that worry you’re the only person that’s experienced these horrible thoughts, I understand you. For all those that can’t switch their focus from sharp knives when they’re sitting on a countertop, I understand you. For all those that are afraid you’re going to choke someone when coming up behind them, I understand you. There’s a lot of people out there that have had normal lives thus far, yet their world has been shaken the past couple of months/years by the onset of OCD. This was my experience and I completely understand those with the same. I used to cry on my back porch and talk to my mom about how I felt like I was going crazy. I thought the life I had before OCD was entirely gone and that I would be in a constant state of struggle for the rest of time. At first, the worst part of OCD are the thoughts and extreme anxiety caused by them. Personally, after a while, I think my body adapted or something to where I basically became numb. The rapid heart beating and feelings of anxiety were gone, but that only led me to fear that I was ok with the thoughts. All in the midst of this, OCD slowly chips away at your sense of self. Personally, I experienced continual depersonalization and derealization which was terrifying. I would look in the mirror and not even recognize myself. I would talk to my friends, but it wouldn’t seem like they were real. Basically, it feels like you are in purgatory. I was afraid that I had schizophrenia and that all of this was just the beginning. Along with that comes the added pressure of being a young adult and having to always be social on the weekends and drinking alcohol. It can sometimes be an escape, but the hangovers and collateral afterward always set you back. I know how hard it is though to want to have the normal life that it looks like others are having. It’s so hard to not participate in those activities especially if not many of your friends know the struggle you’re going through. Some may even know, but without experiencing OCD, I don’t think there is any understanding it. Eventually, I decided that I needed to get on medication. It’s not an instant magic, but over time, the help has been monumental. I basically never have thoughts about killing people anymore. My self esteem and ego are back. I don’t experience DP/DR anymore, and I’m able to live a normal enough life. I will say the numbing feeling hasn’t fully left and I am still not the same person I was before, but I think that is a product of the medication I am on. For me, it has been worth it though. I used to have too much pride at the beginning of OCD that I could do it without the help of medication. After a while, I swallowed that pill and gave in and it has been a good decision for me. I haven’t been on this app in a couple years, but I was called to post something tonight. Hopefully this helps someone in their battle. I understand everything you’re going through and can promise you that my brain told me all the exact same things that yours has been telling you. Just over three years ago, I broke down crying while eating Chinese food after a Saturday tailgate. I was by myself until a friend magically opened the door and found me. I know you’re in a nightmare, but you just have to keep on fighting and staying the course. I wish the recovery was immediate too, but the truth is that it’s going to take over a year to fully recover. Not to worry, though, the other side of the mountain is much less rocky.

Hey everyone. I have been on here for a bit sharing my experiences with OCD, this ain’t particularly OCD related. But it’s definitely not helping me with it. I can’t turn to anyone. No one can help me. And I’m feeling hopeless. Can someone please give me some hope or anything.. I had to move into my grandmothers home. With my boyfriend and my dog. I can go nowhere else. No one else could take me. My uncle also lives here. Most of the time we get along but sometimes. He gets in moods. Where he decides I have done something wrong. Like last night. He said I touched the dishwasher when I didn’t. And today he got upset with me for touching the fridge. I ended up fixing it. It ended up being a glitch or something. I was talking on the phone afterwards. I had already cried after all that. Because I guess I’m to sensitive. And I’m scared of him. I’m 22 and terrified of my uncle. I know.. anyway. I called a friend to try and cheer me up. Anyway he overheard me on the phone. I was not speaking on the situation. But he assumed I was. Specifically he believed I was talking to my mother. And he said if my mother stirs up any drama. Then me, my partner and our dog. Would be kicked out the next day guaranteed.. my grandmother is on holiday. So it’s normally just me and him home. This frightened me obviously. I have no where else to go. We have no where else to go. My boyfriend has gotten to go to work everyday and escape it. He tells me to just put up with it. Just until we can save up enough money for a car etc. which will be ages away. And that damn car is his first goal and not another roof over our heads. Which I’m trying not to get frustrated about. It’s hard. I can’t find work. I have a few job interviews. But after tonight. After that threat. Nothing feels stable. It’s a ticking time bomb right? Until he finds something to get rid of us about? I have been well behaved. Kept to myself. I have let him speak down to me. I have taken blame. Anything to keep the peace. And I don’t know how much more I can take. My eyes sting from the tears. My boyfriend told me to cry quietly. “Please try and keep it down” was my comfort. He is scared of him too I suppose. I can’t tell my mother. She will start something and everything will go to ruin. I tell my sister. She can’t do anything. They can’t have me at her place. My friend tried looking for accommodation for me. But it’s looking grim. At least he tried to help. It hurts. My uncle a few nights ago was telling me how there is nothing he wouldn’t have done for us growing up. How I was family. And how he could see me being here for a long while and that I was safe here and no one would kick me out.. then today. His threat came. Over something I didn’t even do. All his words were a lie to me. And I’m stupid to have even wanted to believe it. Now we had planned a beach trip tomorrow. He will act like he didn’t just threaten to throw his niece out on the street in a day. And I will behave. Because I have no choice, I will not speak my mind. Because I know it will get me nowhere. I will play happy like I don’t feel betrayed and hurt. And fucking terrified. Everyone says it’s cause he drinks that he has these changes. Some say bipolar. I just know it got worse once my grandmother went away on holiday. And she won’t be back for a long while. After this he cooked us dinner and everything like that all didn’t happen it’s fucking jarring. I lost my appetite anyway and ate none of it. Said I was sick. I barely even eat here anyway. Scared to use anything in case I do something wrong. Today all I ate was an ice-block from the freezer. I got in trouble for that because he thought I touched the wrong button on the fridge. My feelings don’t matter. My tears need to be hidden. My complaints unheard. I feel as if I have no one in my corner. And no one to protect me. And maybe i’m 22 and should save myself. I don’t know how. Not even myself. I’m isolated here. It’s this or homelessness. This was my last option.. if this falls through. I’m homeless. If it was just me. I would honestly just live on the street. But my boyfriend and dog. I can’t.. If you’re still here. Thank you. I don’t know what to do. How do i survive this. How do I survive him? Please anyone..

Hii i have been looking for therapy in my area and have no idea what I’m doing. I contacted some ppl via psychologytoday.com and instantly heard back from a therapy business seemingly desperate to get into contact. And then another therapy business immediately asked me to send images of my insurance card and my ID! This all feels so shady. I was hoping to talk to therapists directly, but instead I’m being reached out by their businesses and they won’t let me talk to the therapist I was hoping to see UNTIL I make all these decisions. I for some reason thought you’d contact a therapist, get a consultation call, and make plans with them. What’s with all this third party business going on???

Idk where this comes from? I am anxious all the time about intimacy that I’ve literally turned people off by trying to make sure consent was completely there. I am anxious about it all the time. I think about past intimate experiences months or even years later wondering if I accidentally co *er ced them. Like wtf. If I even decide to ask them if they felt like I did that they say no but sometimes I can’t take no for an answer with this question so I get worried and end up asking again. Idk how to let this worry go. I overthink everything about this and it drives me crazy. I am still young and navigating intimacy in a healthy way so I worry if I’ve ever done or said something from ages 15 to now (almost 21) that have made people feel pressured without me realizing it. Any advice

Im happy I found this and trying to figure out how this posting stuff works on here hopefully I'm doing this the right way. I'm here to learn and share. My biggest question is does anyone struggle with fear of dogs with the ocd?I do have a dog he's helped me so much but I didn't want a dog in the first place but my husband kept insisting until i gave in. To make matters worse I was pregnant at the time, but thats a different story for another day. Anyways I was triggered this morning. My dog is good at sensing when something is around but problem is we don't have a fenced yard so its been difficult and he had to go. So thankfully nothing happened. There was a loose German shepherd in the front. It triggered me my heart racing, my thoughts of being attacked and my dog etc, looking out the windows every 2 seconds pacing, shaking Now I'm afraid to go back outside. Even tho ik its gone. I have been attacked as a toddler and a couple of other times. I have been working hard because I have to face dogs everywhere. Its sucks. One day my neighbors dogs got out and attacked my dog. That made it worse for me and him.We don't have a fenced in yard so it very difficult on a daily basis. Fencing is very expensive and since we are renting that makes it harder. Any advice?

Well.. it was only bloodwork for certain stuff, didn't do any mental health checkups and it was quick so I still have to go to school 😐 yay. Great... I don't like it when the doctors ask me if I've been depressed or struggling but in front of my mom. It feels so out in the open and there's no other option besides saying "no I'm fine" not the doctors fault but- ahh. 😞 Thank you guys for the tips though, I'll still have it in mind for whenever the time does come. <:^)💜💚💛

There’s a man on YouTube that struggled with OCD over a decade ago and he makes videos talking about the recovery process he went through (how he helps his own clients) and insights on what had worked for him and that included mindfulness and meditation. **I know the concept of meditation for OCD sounds counterintuitive** but the more I research it and having done it twice already (yes I know twice isn’t a convincing track record but bear with me) the more I realized I needed to implement it as a form of **self care** in my journey. In his video, he described that the reason that a lot of the times meditation doesn’t work for OCD it’s because we often times try too hard to clear our minds, but that’s just not how OCD works. I found that for me during these two times that I meditated, simply choosing to not react to any thought(by way of rumination) and instead focusing on my breathing, the physical sensations around me and afterwards naming some things in detail in my surroundings, helped me out a lot. **Obviously the medication and IOP is helping with rumination and my mind is overall 75-85% clear as far as rumination and that motor of constant spiraling and new thoughts is not happening anymore. So perhaps in order to do this you should ideally be at a point in your OCD recovery journey where that “motor” has stopped. But once you get there, meditation will possibly work if you truly try it with an open mind.** Here’s the method I tailored to my own unique needs: I set a timer for 10 minutes. And I say to myself some biblical affirmations first and foremost, to set the tone for where I want my meditation to go. So for me it’s **psalms 27:13, psalm 119:105, and proverbs 3:5-6.** Memorizing these and saying them in whispers to myself at the beginning of the 10 minutes before I sit in silence, helps me out a lot. It served as a reminder for how I should view any intrusive or unwanted thought that does come: a darkness I am finding my way out of while firmly and safely in the real world. Surrounded by others who are also going through their own battles; and that is very grounding for me. **Now, if you are not religious, you do not have to start with biblical affirmations.** In fact, I find that many of my affirmations that I made in moments of clarity to myself have been effective too, and I love how they hit all the right themes of the ocd I dealt with, I whisper them to myself as needed when it feels right during that deep breathing session: **“The thought is an illusion, there is only the breath and the body”** (forces me out of my mind, away from entertaining thoughts that aren’t real. So I can instead focus on my deep breathing and the physical sensations around me) **“a thought is only a cloud passing, but stillness is a constant,”** (affirmations to me that the world around me hasn’t changed just because my thoughts have. Clouds move and disappear but my life is solid and real.) **“every breath is letting go of the intangible.”** (Intangible=delusional ocd thoughts) **“My only priority is breathing, not figuring it out.”** (OCD demands certainty, but once you get to a headspace where you have successfully convinced your mind that only the task at hand is important. It gives your mind a break from trying to figure it all out. Which you don’t have to do in the first place, but OCD puts that weight on you.) **"My mind is creative, I can separate it from the constant reality that surrounds me,"** (great for irreality ocd. We tend to think of these crazy imagine scenarios that would only make sense in a fictional setting, but because of a chemical balance in our our brains, these thoughts are given a false sense of significance when in an otherwise healthy brain they would be seen as junk mail. Affirming this feels like a release for me.) And really visualizing the thoughts as smoke that is dissipating or clouds that are passing is very helpful also imagining myself as a person standing outside of the thought and simply observing it. Without the need to “undo it” with other thoughts for 10 minutes straight is oh so helpful. I woke up this morning actually and the first thing that I thought about was “wow I am truly free. Those really were just intense thoughts?” which, before I was getting to a point where my insight was so low that I genuinely considered the possibility of the delusional thoughts being true. I think that’s a positive step towards recovery. Last night and yesterday when I did these, I found out that I slept much better. Last night I did not wake up in the middle of the night. I slept an entire six hours. And after my meditation, I felt very tired. Calm; my mind was almost too lazy to think anything or argue with old recycled thought. Yesterday night I did fall asleep very fast but I did have one moment where I woke up close to 4 AM which is a common side effect of my medication but usually when that happened I would stay up for an entire hour? So what changed I laid back down and I simply blacked out. My brain went straight for deep sleep, which has never happened before. The only thing that really changed was the fact that I meditated. I am not saying that meditation and mindfulness can cure OCD. **I wanna make that very clear because I do not believe that at all. OCD is obviously a chronic condition and I do believe that practicing self-care in ways that can help to externalize the thoughts and take away. Their power is important in recovery when you combine it with medication as well as therapy and ERP.** I hope someone finds this helpful because I was very hesitant about meditation before I tried it. But now I am glad that I did. It is highly effective for those 70-85% into their ocd recovery. (Yes it’s made up figure but you get the point) hope you have an easier day today.

Hey everyone. I have been on here for a bit sharing my experiences with OCD, this ain’t particularly OCD related. But it’s definitely not helping me with it. I can’t turn to anyone. No one can help me. And I’m feeling hopeless. Can someone please give me some hope or anything.. I had to move into my grandmothers home. With my boyfriend and my dog. I can go nowhere else. No one else could take me. My uncle also lives here. Most of the time we get along but sometimes. He gets in moods. Where he decides I have done something wrong. Like last night. He said I touched the dishwasher when I didn’t. And today he got upset with me for touching the fridge. I ended up fixing it. It ended up being a glitch or something. I was talking on the phone afterwards. I had already cried after all that. Because I guess I’m to sensitive. And I’m scared of him. I’m 22 and terrified of my uncle. I know.. anyway. I called a friend to try and cheer me up. Anyway he overheard me on the phone. I was not speaking on the situation. But he assumed I was. Specifically he believed I was talking to my mother. And he said if my mother stirs up any drama. Then me, my partner and our dog. Would be kicked out the next day guaranteed.. my grandmother is on holiday. So it’s normally just me and him home. This frightened me obviously. I have no where else to go. We have no where else to go. My boyfriend has gotten to go to work everyday and escape it. He tells me to just put up with it. Just until we can save up enough money for a car etc. which will be ages away. And that damn car is his first goal and not another roof over our heads. Which I’m trying not to get frustrated about. It’s hard. I can’t find work. I have a few job interviews. But after tonight. After that threat. Nothing feels stable. It’s a ticking time bomb right? Until he finds something to get rid of us about? I have been well behaved. Kept to myself. I have let him speak down to me. I have taken blame. Anything to keep the peace. And I don’t know how much more I can take. My eyes sting from the tears. My boyfriend told me to cry quietly. “Please try and keep it down” was my comfort. He is scared of him too I suppose. I can’t tell my mother. She will start something and everything will go to ruin. I tell my sister. She can’t do anything. They can’t have me at her place. My friend tried looking for accommodation for me. But it’s looking grim. At least he tried to help. It hurts. My uncle a few nights ago was telling me how there is nothing he wouldn’t have done for us growing up. How I was family. And how he could see me being here for a long while and that I was safe here and no one would kick me out.. then today. His threat came. Over something I didn’t even do. All his words were a lie to me. And I’m stupid to have even wanted to believe it. Now we had planned a beach trip tomorrow. He will act like he didn’t just threaten to throw his niece out on the street in a day. And I will behave. Because I have no choice, I will not speak my mind. Because I know it will get me nowhere. I will play happy like I don’t feel betrayed and hurt. And fucking terrified. Everyone says it’s cause he drinks that he has these changes. Some say bipolar. I just know it got worse once my grandmother went away on holiday. And she won’t be back for a long while. After this he cooked us dinner and everything like that all didn’t happen it’s fucking jarring. I lost my appetite anyway and ate none of it. Said I was sick. I barely even eat here anyway. Scared to use anything in case I do something wrong. Today all I ate was an ice-block from the freezer. I got in trouble for that because he thought I touched the wrong button on the fridge. My feelings don’t matter. My tears need to be hidden. My complaints unheard. I feel as if I have no one in my corner. And no one to protect me. And maybe i’m 22 and should save myself. I don’t know how. Not even myself. I’m isolated here. It’s this or homelessness. This was my last option.. if this falls through. I’m homeless. If it was just me. I would honestly just live on the street. But my boyfriend and dog. I can’t.. If you’re still here. Thank you. I don’t know what to do. How do i survive this. How do I survive him? Please anyone..

Just feel in constant turmoil at the moment and it’s making me so depressed. Honestly just don’t know what to think anymore. The denial feels so real. I always think yes I would love the idea of a boyfriend and I want more children but as soon as anything gets to the point of going on a date I feel sick and get the ick straight away ….completely fuelling my Soocd to the point where I just keep thinking I’m in denial now…..so I just live my life as it is with my little boy which makes me so happy but because maybe I’m avoiding I don’t know I just feel depressed 😭 so hard to explain

I am looking for someone to talk to, therapist type deal but not just ocd related. I would like to be able to just say things and bounce ideas and opinions off each other, gain a different viewpoint of things. I need to have someone to talk to with no strings attached and no effect on my personal relationships. I very much hope to find that here.

OK, hey y’all I literally downloaded this app from TikTok like less than five minutes ago but I figured I’d give it a shot so basically I’ve always really struggled with health anxiety but recently it’s gotten to the point where I think it’s OCD. I have these obsessive thoughts that I always am dying and recently it’s been about my heart if I feel something in my arm or in my chest, I automatically think I’m having a heart attack recently. I’ve been scared that there’s some random multi leak in my house. That’s slowly causing me death. it’s just things like those and I’m really new to this so any advice or even just some support would be awesome. today was the first time it actually got so bad. I thought I needed to go to the emergency room.

Should I delete my TikTok account? With all the Epstein content and toxicity on the platform it’s caused me a lot of distress and any time I use it ruins my mood. I have so many memories attached to my reposts though

I am trans, and my ocd knows that, it is something about me that I am okay with. But my ocd isn't okay with it, and it will use any opportunity to prove I'm not trans. Today I went down an extremely horrible spiral and watched a transphobic youtube video unknowingly that said that trwns ppl shouldn't transition and that there's is no science in being trans and that really hurts me. And the commenter said that dysphoria is just having low self esteem and that trans isn't valid and it's hurt me so bad and I don't believe these things and it's really hard for me because my ocd keeps telling me the video is right and that trans ppl are valid and I'm wrong and I don't know what to do, can someone please offer me advice on how to navigate this?