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I'm 32. I separated with the second person I've dated this past May. I've been feeling like I don't want another relationship. I just watched an Anthony Fantano video about Playboi Carti. He was very abusive to both his ex and his current girlfriend. I couldn't believe how normal a person his ex girlfriend seemed like in the interviews Anthony showed in his video. I was just surprised that she was someone who would date a rapper. I also heard the things she was saying, and I don't think it was what she said but how she said it, I felt like her position in the relationship is all I've ever known. I've only ever been with people who want an accessory for their life. No one's ever really been a best friend or a partner. They try to drive a wedge between me and my interests, and turn me into something that just tags along for all of theirs. And use me like another piece of jewelry at social things. That has to be largely my fault too. it's a choice to just capitulate to everything and let someone steamroll your personality, hobbies, and passions. Convince you that the things you've liked for your entire life are dumb and boring. I don't know what made my mind go here, but I imagined someone walking into the basement while I was working on something and offer to help instead of complaining about how much time it was taking. I just plugged a bunch of holes that smokey smells from the neighbors apartment were coming in through. My next task is to build shelves so the space is more open and stuff that's been piled up is more accessible. Shelves would be so easy for anyone to help with. At that thought of a partner offering a hand, I just started crying.

Im struggling today with the thought I am unloveable and that I’m to much and that everyone around me is mad at me.

I just need some support. That’s it. Someone with POCD. Or understands it! Thanks.

Does anyone else struggle with groinal response with POCD?? Mine relapsed after having a baby and it came back but with groinals this time and it’s making me want to scream😭I fucking hate myself I feel like a piece of shit n feel like I don’t deserve to be a parent

Somedays, the compulsions are quite exhausting. It drains you to the point that you just want to sleep, just so that you don't engage in any routine. How do you deal or manage contamination ocd, if anyone of you have been dealing with it? For me, it just came out all of a sudden since a year and a half, and it's stayed since then... may also be due to the role of neuroplasticity

I keep trying to repost them I just need help:(

And if you don’t believe in medicine, don’t comment because I’ve literally tried everything else. My life is unlivable at this point and I have to do what’s best for me and my daughter because I don’t want my daughter learning my behaviors, but is there anybody on here that is on medicine for their OCD and if so, has it gotten any better? And did you have any bad side effects? I used to be on medicine a long time ago, but it didn’t really work for me, but I only tried one kind and a very low dosage, but It made me gain like a lot of weight

Ik the answer is probably “you can’t” but I wanna ask: how do I tell the difference between real attraction vs false attraction I was running a meeting with a colleague/friend. I was telling her about my new jeans that I got for free (cuz they’re sick as hell, they’re denim cargos) and that’s when I got the groinal response. I did also do some public speaking stuff (regarding Palestine and some upcoming protests the students are doing and we are going to be part of as a club as we are signatories, and I didn’t know if anyone was against Palestine in the room) and had convos with other people about school and MCAT prep (most of our club members are premed/comp sci students lol. We’re nerds). I also did tell said colleague about a weird convo I had with a man while I was getting my coffee (also regarding Palestine, I was wearing my keffiyeh. It was weird. I told her about the racial profiling the same guy (possibly?) was going to hijabi girls and it freaked us both out.) and then the groinal response stayed till we left the meeting/building together. And I’m slightly worried I like her. But I don’t. I know what crushes feel like for me. This was not that. I usually get butterflies very quickly when I have a crush. That’s what happened with my current bf whom I love dearly. And when it comes to arousal I feel it very intensely in my groin/stomach. This was not that. It was a tingle and I did feel some discharge. Idk it freaked me the hell out and I’m nervous I’m gonna start developing feelings. How would I know if I am and how do I know if this was false attraction? It definitely bothered me, I didn’t want the thoughts my brain threw at me and I didn’t wanna feel aroused in any way by this friend. She’s a good friend and a good colleague. And we’re both dating people. Regardless. If we weren’t I wouldn’t wanna date her either. But my brain keeps yelling at me yes yes yes you do. I’m just constantly worried now that I’m attracted to her lately. It’s been jumping from friend to friend. Friends in my dorm hall, a random male candidate I interviewed (who happens to be friends with said colleague) and now this colleague. I don’t like this feeling. I was also fighting the urge to tell people the whole love story between me and my bf cuz LOL I love telling it. So clearly I do love him, but now I’m worried that urge was there to suppress smtjn but it was just there cuz a lot of things we did reminded me of him and I wanted to tell people who didn’t know or weren’t familiar with my bf and I our story (cuz it sounds like a damn romcom. We met at an origami meeting where we made elephants (which I still have), I fell first, I found out he was Muslim, I’m catholic, star crossed lovers lol, I confessed, we cried, we started dating. He happens to be of a reputable family in our uni city which is just 😃fuxking wonderful. His parents hate me, he loves me, my ocd just sounds like a foghorn but I fight through it for him. We’ve been together almost 2 years and we plan to get married hopefully in the future. This is my first long term relationship so I am petrified I am a liar or hiding my true sexuality or smthn lol yay ocd right 😃 but yeah. The whole thing was really romantic. At least to me. My friend hid my dirty laundry for me while he and I talked. We kissed. We cuddled for 6 hours and watched Vox machina. Neither of us could stop smiling. I was so scared but it has been so surreal. It still is. When I have a clear head god I can see how much I adore him but I’m so worried it’s comphet or if it’s just normal relationship stuff. Idk how this works honestly. I adore him. He makes me feel so happy. I love how he looks at me. How I feel when I look at him. But every time I say anything that I actually truly feel I start getting nauseous or having that globus sensation in my throat.) Anyways I’m gonna go lose my mind over calculus and also eat some Popeyes.

recently, I’ve noticed over the last five months or even more that my brain gets caught on one specific thing each month that last week‘s on end. This might sound really stupid but last month it was religion, God and Jesus, as everything was being talked about after the death of Charlie Kirk. I never grew up religious and I’ve never been to church. Therefore, I have not been taught what these things mean and how they are significant to some people. I’ve never learned the Bible nor have i read it but recently I was fighting with whether I believed in God or not because I felt like I had nothing on my side, but here and there I get these signs and I try to be open and spiritual about them so I end up getting really confused and for weeks it’s all I would battle. I had to delete Instagram and Facebook and threads because it’s all I would see and I just needed time to figure out what to do. Short story is that I still haven’t found out what I believe in that’s OK. The hard part is how to cope with it because my brain is running at 1000 mph. Now this month recently, I’ve been very caught up in my partners life and how I feel excluded when things don’t go my way. my partner ended up canceling our dinner plans to go to a big football game. My partner went to a concert with their sibling and every time my partner plans something they just demand what their plans are without telling me and it makes me feel like I’m not involved or invited and I just don’t do that to them. Is it the way that I was taught and raised? I have no idea is it my OCD acting up again and again ? I have no idea. Long story short is that I’ve already tried therapy. I’ve tried marijuana, listening to music and calming down deleting the apps that trigger me and still it’s bad. just the other day my partner and I had plans for a month to go to a Halloween party together and we found out that it would start at 5:30 and I didn’t get off of work till six. Basically my partner didn’t wanna wait till 6 o’clock to show up to the party and wanted to be right on time at 5:30 and have me drive separately and meet them there my brain made a really big deal about this because I felt left out and that my partner wanted to show up alone and didn’t care for me to be by their side. And that hurts a person like me a lot. I realize a lot of the times maybe I do make a big deal out of these situations, but I have a hard time deciding whether it’s a real situation that anyone could be mad over or is it just specifically my OCD brain? Does anyone else get like this like overly sensitive and emotional and they’ve never usually been in that type of person?

I always wondered, when it truly happened, that it started. The earliest moment, that my memory takes me, is when I was around 9 or 10. I had my very first panic attack, without anyone realizing what it was. It was horrible, I thought i was going to die, the guilt overwhelming me. My parents told me, that I was overreacting. No one, not even I, realized, that what i called 'a weird feeling' was a panic attack. I had trouble breathing, threw up, shook like a leaf, yet I often felt, like i was a burden on my mom, who often stayed with me at night to help me calm down. I always felt like i was weird, a freak, someone who doesn't deserve any friends (my OCD was about following certain rules). I pushed away all people i had cared about, to scared to harm them by accident, to scared, that they would tell me something and I would not be able to keep it a secret and something bad could happen - like it would be so bad, I would call the police or tell their parent about it. So I fully isolated myself from society, from my sibling, parents, pushed away all my friends, who soon became just a memory in the past. I was fully alone, afraid of hearing any whisper in the public bathroom, terrified, it would trigger a panic attack. I was in high-school, when for almost 4 years, I had isolated myself from everyone - i was totally alone, only with myself. Only after taking my final example, having had a panic attack so bad, I had to force myself to breathe, not to faint, that I tried to get help. I lived around 9 years, believing, that my OCD was simply a ruthless, horrible part of myself, that i hated. Only then I realized, that something was 'wrong' with me, that it wasnt truly me, who was at fault. A few months later, I had been diagnosed with OCD. 2 years passed, yet I still wonder, how long did it take other people, to realize, that the problem wasnt them, but the OCD, that was the issue. And I dont mean the diagnosis, but the realization, that its not me, but something beyond my control. Its my first time posting, so I got a bit carried away. If you feel comfortable to share, how long did it take you to figure out?

Can someone respond to my previous post, I'm really struggling

So I don’t normally do this … I can’t remember the last time I posted on here but I’m having a really rough day today and would appreciate anyone’s support or advice without giving too much reassurance. I’ve been dealing with OCD for the last 2 1/2 years. I’ve been in ERP therapy for the same amount of time and it’s just been a real struggle. When it comes to logic, I know everything you can know about the brain and how it works and OCD and how it operates. I’ve dealt with harm OCD, sexual OCD, health OCD, and now relationship OCD. Every single one of them at the time felt like the worst one yet. When it comes to the response prevention part of ERP I consistently have a hard time. My brain goes so out of control that no matter what I try to do (or not do) nothing works or nothing helps. With ROCD right now it’s surrounding my marriage and it’s really distressing. It started off with complete numbness around my husband, I felt a really intense disconnect from him like I didn’t love him anymore. I had thoughts of divorce, I’ve had thoughts of him not being the same towards me, I’ve felt fake around him like I was lying about wanting to be with him. Then the OCD would completely flip the script and I would feel guilt for feeling these things. Like an intense sadness comes over me and I just sob. The one that is really hurting me right now is a situation where I was on social media a while back and I happen to comment on someone’s page just for the fact that they posted something funny and relatable. The person (who’s a male) messaged me and I responded to them. I didn’t cross any lines, nothing inappropriate was said, but I was almost expecting this person to be flirty with me (which he wasn’t). If he was flirty, I would’ve told him that I was married anyway. And I would’ve showed my husband the whole thing like I’ve done before. However, the fact that I responded to this person and not others is what my brain can’t let go of. All day I’m questioning my intent., why I would expect this person to be flirty with me, why would I want him to be etc ….. Another incident yesterday I was gonna post a picture on social media (which I very rarely do) and as I was about to post it, I get flooded with these thoughts saying “ post it so other guys can see”, “ guys are gonna comment and my husband is going to see”, “ post it to make my husband jealous”. I didn’t end up posting anything but again the whole question of my intent behind almost posting it has me in a complete spiral. “I wanted other men’s attention”, “why would I want other men’s attention and not my husband”, “did I want my husbands attention and that’s why I wanted to post it”, “what if I ended up talking to these guys and liking it”. The spiral was so bad that it put me in a complete and total meltdown in my house. I feel like there’s a reason behind wanting attention from other people., I almost feel like I emotionally cheated, I feel like I shouldn’t continue therapy anymore because after all this time, I’m still in this mess of a situation. I’m just having a really hard time today. I don’t know what’s true and I don’t know what’s not and I’m hurting. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has experience this or something similar to it? If anyone else finds ERP challenging.? Any words of hope would be greatly appreciated right now. Thank you so much.

I have a girl in my life who I adore, me and her had a super rocky start, she had been in so many situationships because men never truly wanted her. Well I sure as hell did. We dated and she got overwhelmed and was confused on what she was feeling, broke up with me. That turned into us being in a situation, which she off and on cut off due to guilt of not knowing how she feels. This lasted from July to January. In January her ex situationship comes down. The guy she first felll for. Our exclusivity wasn’t really stated at this point and we weren’t dating just kissing… the next month she comes to me and we have a chat. I admit how much I love her but she needed to want me or it’s friends and nothing else. from that day forward she has been amazing. Till one day when she has a falling out with her friend and the ex is involved. She tells me that she kissed him when he came for that day. Said she needed to know what she was feeling. So she could truly give me her all. The problem is I had asked if anything happened back then and she lied. I love her so much and I do not want to leave. She has showed remorse and been amazing. She has showed me how much she loves me. She was up at 5 am before I work today making me pancakes. I want to stay. I don’t often think about it anymore I just have been having a flare today. I’m not stupid for doing what I did and pushing on right? So sorry for the huge message

Anyone else wake up with a sense of dread/doom, and immediate intrusive thoughts? Any tips to make the morning more pleasant? In the morning I often feel hopeless, but as I go throughout my day doing activities and skills and ERP, my mood typically improves and I manage my anxiety better. I'm trying to give myself grace and validate that mornings are hard and recognize that it is not representative of how I will feel all day, but it would be great to not have to feel like this every day.

My partner told me yesterday that she’s scared I’m becoming obsessed with OCD after I got some library books about OCD. They’re a couple of biographies that I wanted to read to understand how others experience OCD. I do talk to her about my sessions because I want her to know I’m trying to make progress but it feels like I’m overwhelming her. Lately it just feels like she’s not on board? When I was telling her about a situation with my coworkers, she said “Well not everyone has your brain.” This is more of a rant than anything. I’m working on not letting the ROCD take over. Has anyone else experienced something like this with a loved one?

So right now it’s currently 8:17 AM now I have been up since 5:30 AM so I really been a rough morning. I am a young adult who’s in their 20s but I’m also a mom raising a seven-year-old little girl who is autistic nonverbal, and my daughter. She has been doing amazing this morning but as for myself, I woke up mentally exhausted, but think about it I don’t let my daughter ever see my exhaustion I don’t let her see me drained or tired because I don’t want to put that energy onto her which is why I try to keep her happy and in such a great spirit ..so I’m getting her ready, Everything is going well and I also decided to turn the heat on as well because I’ve had the AC on for a long time now but we were so cold this morning and it’s going to be in the low 60s starting tomorrow so I said you know what I’m going to turn the heat on to make it nice and cozy for us and that’s exactly what I did and it feels so good in our home. Anyways, my daughter, she rides the bus in the mornings she loves riding the bus and I love that for her so after I put her on the bus, and everything and strapped in. We get greeted by the bus driver and the helping aid on the bus with a good mornings and have a great day and how are you doing things in that nature they also say good morning to my daughter, which they always do when she’s getting on the bus and I love that energy because they always have a smile on their face which makes me feel good. After I put my daughter on the bus , I dumped my trash, checked my mail, cleaned my entire home, clean my room, and my daughters room ,wash the dishes , cleaned the bathrooms up and downstairs and after I was done with all of that. I just started to play gospel music, and as I was playing gospel music, I made me a cup of coffee one of my faves which is peppermint bark flavor. It’s so good you literally don’t even eat sugar. That’s how I know that it’s really good because sometimes I like my coffee really really sweet, but just adding that creamer in there it’s perfect!! So as I was making my coffee and everything, I sat down on my bed and just took in all the gospel music that was playing, and I started to cry, and I mean cry and ball my eyes out and honestly when I Decided to go on my Bible app which I haven’t been on in a while. It says “God is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Mind you I haven’t been on that app in a while and sometimes I will get notifications daily but I never really glanced at it until today and honestly that verse made me feel like God was really speaking to me this morning like he wanted me to see that verse and know that he is near and he is working behind the scenes and he is healing me in all places that I’m hurting and that I’m going through and so I clicked on the app and under that verse they have a part where like a preacher Or someone in the ministry is speaking and it was literally title “closer than you think” when I tell you, I said oh my God I feel like God is really speaking to me this morning like there’s no way this is not for me this morning because I haven’t been on this app in so long, but when I decide to actually click on it and read this verse & this title , I literally said this is for me this morning !! I literally felt like that was God trying to speak to me and let me know that I am close to you. I am near you. I am healing you , you are closer to your breakthrough then you think , don’t worry I got it. Don’t worry I’m working behind the scenes. Don’t worry I’m near you. Don’t worry I got you. Don’t worry everything will be all right as I’m saying these things right now I literally have tears in my eyes because I can feel his spirit I can feel him near me. I don’t know where I was going with this but I feel like I needed to say this , this morning and I hope that whoever is reading this just know that this is your sign that everything is going to be all right whatever you’re going through whatever you think you can’t get through you will get through and everything is going to be all right. Just keep praying keep speaking to God daily and just know that you don’t have to be in a better position to get close with God, or to even speak with God God wants to meet you exactly where you’re at because he loves you so much and I know it’s hard. Trust me I know but just keep having faith and keep believing that everything is going to work out for your good and you may not understand why certain things are happening but later you will understand because I always remember God‘s timing isn’t on your time. God’s time is way better than our time. He sees things that we can’t see !! Also, remember rejection is protection it’s redirection. 🥹🥹 if you made it this far, I want to tell you that I love you 💞God loves you and everything is going to be okay and just know that I’m always here for you if anyone needs someone to talk to or just vent to you about anything my inbox is always open💕💕

i suffer from religious ocd and it's been really bad recently. i don't consider myself religious but i still have religious OCD so things get complicated. i was raised in a christian household, but idk if id consider myself fully christian, i just believe in the existence of religion and life after death in general. anyway, i get very triggered every time i hear any word that has to do with religion. i always feel like i have to quickly pray or else something bad will happen or ill accidentally summon a demon or something. just writing this is making me nervous and i lowkey just prayed😭😭. and by pray i literally mean just a quick "in jesus name i pray, amen." or a "i claim no negative energy, amen." i also feel the urge to pray anytime i have something at stake, like a concert or a test, and i'll distress myself over these events and convince myself ill fail if i don't pray and anger god. and like i said, im not even sure im christian so this seems silly, i know! but i literally pray in my head hundreds of times a day and it's really frustrating and time consuming. also, i never feel like the prayer is "enough", so sometimes ill get caught in prayer loops where i just keep reciting the same thing in my head until i feel satisfied or get distracted. one time, i even convinced myself my stuffed animal was possessed by a demon and had a panic attack (i was aware it was irrational but you know how OCD is). i really need help because simple words trigger my OCD now and i can't enjoy things i used to, like horror movies, anymore. it's taking too much time out of my day and too much energy out of me. simple tasks are becoming distressing. does anyone have advice or a similar experience?

It’s so exhausting not feeling like I’m doing anything right and just feels like so much pressure and that it’s deeper than just the struggles it’s actually spiritual and the spiritual battles it is just intense. And how do I know if I’m being fr how can I meditate on Gods word and not just read it to read it or what if I’m just religious and want to say I love Jesus but don’t follow him cuz there’s grace but then willingly sinning and the if we keep on deliberately sinning after we received the knowledge of truth there’s no sacrifice left and I know that no one on here can save me and it has to be my personal choice to accept the savior and I should ask him myself but it’s so hard

Just curious if anyone else deals with this. I have ocd related to specific things related to relationships, religion, checking, things like that, but I also wrestle with an anxiety that comes up sometimes that’s like this… undefined existential dread like I need to DO something to get rid of this horrible feeling, but because the feeling is so non-specific, there’s nothing to do, and it makes me feel like screaming sometimes but I don’t even know what the problem is. It feels pressing and urgent in the same way ocd compulsions do, but there’s nothing to actually DO except internally panic, try to distract myself, and repeat. It’s annoying because it isn’t a specific anxiety that I can define, and it isn’t a compulsion that I can work through with therapy, it’s this just. Vague feeling of “something is deeply, terribly wrong and you need to do something to fix it”, but I have no way of trying to address it. Does this have a name? Is this something that anyone here relates to, or is it maybe something unrelated to ocd?

This is a question that I've been pondering since... ever. I feel like I've wasted so many years being controlled by fear + perfection. I know that to start living, I just have to do it, but why do I keep holding myself back? I choose comfort every single time. I choose waiting for the perfect moment, when the perfect moment SHOULD be NOW. There's so much I want to do in life, so many things I've wanted to be. When I was little, I wanted to be a princess, then a pop star, and after that, a zookeeper. But as I grew older, I didn't feel a connection to any sort of career or subject. There were things I enjoyed, but it was never anything I wanted to make a career out of, and I remember always feeling behind... But this past year or so, I've discovered so much about myself ever since being diagnosed with OCD. I have pushed myself to try so many new things, and I feel ready to get my life in order. I just don't know where to begin? And I'm stuck in this cycle of making excuses for myself. "I'll do (xyz) later," and then I never get to it. "I can't do (xyz) because blah blah blah—" but if I really, really wanted something, wouldn't I do anything I could to accomplish it? I just feel stagnant. I set so many unnecessary and impossible requirements for myself when trying to start or get anything done. I want to preserve nature and its inhabitants, but also historical artifacts (and history as a whole). I want to help humanity and to make the world a better place in all the ways I can. But I overwhelm myself in the process. It's always too much or too little with me :( Sorry for ranting. I guess, does anyone older have any advice to stop holding myself back? I know I'm young, but I feel restless. I want to be doing more than I am.