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Hi guys, im from the UK and cant really afford treatment at the minute. However I really cant live like this I am so depressed I dont get a break from my POCD☹️can anyone recommend any self help books or things I can do myself. Thanks in advance♥️

What if you did something so extremely awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was also extremely horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...

The only thing that makes me feel like I somewhat know myself is the fact that when I wasn’t having a flare up (no anxiety, rare compulsions, barely any thoughts, rare grounds response, RARE false attraction, just numbness and 0 libido/attraction) is that I didn’t fall for a woman or have any desire to be with one (funny bc as I type this my brain is already questioning). Even when I was doing good/happier and feeling actually pretty good, even with no libido and barely any attraction (still am dealing with this/kinda worse bc of the flare up) I still fell for my boyfriend. I just replay that moment where i felt calm, excited, and just so happy to be around him. I can’t even describe how good it felt 😭. I was shocked, giddy, happy, SWOONING even (ik corny but i can’t find the right word) and it felt RIGHT 😭 it felt right when i was realizing how attractive he is (always have thought he was cute (esp when he let his hair grow MY GOD that was a moment) but i’ve been dealing w OCD for a while so i always ignored it/been numb), how i just wanted to play with his hair, how i wanted him to kiss me when we were listening to music, how his smile is so attractive, how beautiful his eyes are, how i love the fact that he knows me and has seen me at my worst and STILL likes me 😭. IT FELT RIGHT AND NORMAL. I was having so many wins But bc of my numbness my brain IMMEDIATELY started to check, question, analyze, review memories, bring up the proof that im not 100% straight. Yesterday i tried so hard to enjoy the moment with him but my compulsions feel so automatic. I had my small wins where i was just being present but the intrusive thoughts were still in the back of my head and i can’t feel all there yk? Before my flare up i felt OCD slowly letting go of me, I truly thought my life was going to be back in my hands. TMI!!!!!! But i was even starting to get the libido back and i was feeling real attracted to him at times when i wasn’t automatically checking. Why does OCD have to ruin my life like this. Even when i was doing better (again rmbr no attraction or libido), I remember i would just sit and literally mourn the fact that i’ll never be able to marry or share my life with someone bc i truly cannot see myself with a woman. My brain is holding onto the proof (i made a couple posts ab this) and questioning everything about me and everything if done or felt. At this point Idc if i turned out to be bisexual, if anything ID BE GLAD bc it means I’ll have a chance to be with a man/my man. Even when i did/felt the proof i still had no desire to be with a woman and never had a crush on one 😭. BUT WHY DOES MY BRAIN CONTINUE TO QUESTION EVERYTHING I FEEL, THINK, DO, OR HAVE DONE. LEAVE ME ALONE BITCH 😭 IT WONT EVEN LET ME FEEL ANYTHING MY DEFAULT EMOTION IS NUMBNESS. I was triggered by a post of two lesbians who got married. One of them was masc and I immediately got triggered and had false attraction or whatever it is. They weren’t ugly and looked masculine but I hate this because prior to SOOCD if i thought a masc lesbian was a man and found out they weren’t i’d be like “oh ok….nvm.” and move on 😭. If i saw one in person I wouldn’t care 😭 The only time i “freaked out” prior to ocd was when i was younger, i looked at my older teammate who i literally couldn’t gaf ab (who was a super masculine lesbian) and thought “why does she look like a boy?” and for some reason that gave me a huge wave of anxiety. I can’t remember this correctly bc i used to obsess over this and analyze it when this theme first started but all ik is i i just looked at her again and was like “well whatever” and that was it. I went the rest of my life not attracted to or even caring about masc lesbians. l even remember my friends, who are straight, share their reassuring experiences (i’m not going to say them here for obv reasons) when seeing a super masc lesbian or a stud in person or online and how it literally didn’t affect them at all or send them into a spiral. I literally went on a reassurance search prior to writing this n it just made everything worse because i saw a post about someone talking ab how my biggest soocd fear happened to someone (won’t say it here but im p sure anyone who reads this and has soocd would have that fear). IM SICK OF THIS. I was doing so good a month ago but now im back to being almost completely numb 😭 yes i have tiny wins here and there but I WANT TO BE DONE WITH THIS. I can’t even enjoy looking at my man anymore 😭(even tho i would check and analyze my emotions i had moments where i was definitely feeling attracted). I really thought this relationship was the beginning of a new chapter for me 😭 i should’ve known. I want erp to work so bad but im so scared of it at the same time. I’m scared it wont work and I’ll be stuck living like this, i’ll have to break up w my boyfriend, i’ll remain numb for the rest of my life, i’ll be triggered all my life, i’ll question everything all my life, i’ll never get married, i’ll have to live my life alone, i’ll just continue floating through life. Im grateful I’m handling this better than when i was younger bc i simply refuse to feel that level of depression again. I feel like my body is blocking certain emotions that maybe that’s why i can’t feel other emotions/attraction or get aroused 😭 this is so exhausting. This is so long but i needed to get this out. If u read this hi and thank you I hope everything gets better for you soon.

If compulsions are things you do to get short-term relief, how do you tell a coping mechanism apart from a compulsion? I just want to make myself feel better but I want it to be healthy coping not compulsive.

I have been struggling recently with overthinking, overanalyzing, and just random thoughts about my relationship. I overanalyze literally everything: his texts, if he shows active on Instagram but isn't texting me back, etc. We're also both Christian, so I'll get thoughts that God doesn't want me in this relationship and that He wants me to break up with him. My boyfriend isn't great about being in God's word, making me think that God wants us to break up because my boyfriend isn't a "good enough Christian." I then start to spiral, which usually involves me looking up things online like articles, podcasts, YouTube videos, etc, to confirm whether or not this is God's voice. Some other random thoughts: he (my boyfriend) is embarassed by me, he doesn't want to be with me, he's with me because it's easy, etc. (There isn't proof to these thoughts, it stems from overthinking and then just gets worse). It's mentally exhausting and can consume hours of my day simply because I get so scared. It's also just hard to let the thoughts go. Whenever I get one, it can feel so loud and urgent which is then when I start googling things or asking my boyfriend about how he's feeling. Some days are a bit calmer than others, but when there is a quiet day, I start to worry that it means something bad is going on (idk it doesn't make sense). I've been researching relationship OCD, and a lot of what I have found seems to be matching up to my experiences (I have not been diagnosed with any OCD, but have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder). I can't tell if what I am going through is relationship OCD, maybe just relationship anxiety, or if it is God telling me to break up. Any insight and/or advice to what may be going on (I understand a diagnosis cannot be given).

I feel like I’ve been obsessing a lot more since I started reading everyone’s posts. On one hand I really do care about people and I’m grateful that we can support each other. If I’ve ever replied to your post, it’s because I care about you and what you have to say. On the other hand, what I read makes me dwell on my own past and current experiences. I’ve found that I spend more time than I want reading posts. Has anyone had this experience? How has this app been helpful, and when do you decide to take a break?

so i’m not officially diagnosed with OCD but tomorrow i have my first appointment with a therapist to hopefully get tested. im not too sure what to expect. does anyone have advice? i’m really scared if they say i dont have OCD, bc ive been set for about 3 years confident that i do. i never self diagnose though. if they say i dont have OCD i think it would set me back immensely. i’m not too sure how quick the process is either. please lmk any advice because im quite nervous. i’ve never seen a therapist in my life other than my school counselor.

I spiraled about something a few days ago and since then I feel like I'm in a completely different mood. I used to be very happy about who I was but right now I feel like the complete opposite. I feel embarrased about everythingggg I do. And then Instarted obsessing over certainty and now I feel like I can't be certain about anything. I feel like I lost my whole personality is gone and my OCD is off the charts. BUT surprisingly I feel much less anxious than before. I don't know what to do. I'm starting to consider taking medication. I'm scared.

I am hoping for some guidance on how to move forward. For some time now I think I suppressed doubts and negative feelings towards my relationship and always found a way to be “excited” and plan for the future. A couple months after my engagement on a trip to Hawaii I spent a week very irritable and distant with my fiancée and it resulted in a fight that was very triggering to me (feeling pressure or trapped). I wonder if this is bringing up trauma of being around some nasty divorces as a kid. I then spent the next week spiraling emotionally like I never have before researching “gut feelings” “why am I irritable or not connected” and comparing and searching for answers on the internet and with people in my life until I stumbled across ROCD, read a book and found some level of relief because it felt like what was happening in my head. It’s been over a month now and my new obsession is do I really have ROCD or am I just in denial. It’s exhausting. I’ve had ocd tendencies in the past, such as health ocd that led me to tests and obsessive over sleep and the ruminating has significantly hurt my life. But I feel as though my rumination always comes from a real issue and my brain distorts the significance or the severity of it. It’s so hard because we do have some incompatibles (I am high energy and she is so chill, I’m more extroverted she’s more introverted) but I used to see our differences as complimentary and now they are scary and extreme. I also get so much anxiety when I notice things I don’t like or perceive as an incompatibility and it makes it hard for me to be around her. We are in a long distance relationship right now but see each other each weekend. I’m at the point where I’m ruminating a little less but underneath is a depression and apathy and when I stop worrying I start to get scared because I’m not obsessing but I’m still not feeling hopeful. How can I move forward? Obviously searching for excitement and stimulation isn’t the answer. How can I distinguish real relationship issues from my obsessive mind? I’m pretty lost and would love some guidance from anyone going through something similar. Thanks for making it this far and reading my post.

I was going so well with my ocd, so so so well hardly any compultions. However today I told my therapist about something that happened recently, which was this situation….. I was whiping something off my boyfriends cheek and got the erge to press on harder to hurt him and in the moment it felt wanted and I felt stressed with my ocd and him kinda but idk… it’s scaring me so pressed on a little harder on his cheek and felt horrible after. However I told my therapist this and they said “I’m not sure that’s ocd so keep an eye out on it, because ocd thoughts are usually unwanted but you said it felt wanted. I’m now so scared thus situation wasn’t ocd and I’m now spiralling

I have lots of intrusive thoughts about “what if I did something wrong” or “what if I hurt someone without realizing it” in the past and have an overwhelming urge to reach out to everyone I’ve dated and ask if they are okay with me (even though doing so would be super weird and random to them probably). Is this a common experience? My thoughts feel so convincing that it has progressed from a much more mild state to full out believing what my thoughts say about me although no one has ever said anything bad about me (to my knowledge) and I’ve always been a loving and respectful partner. Three of my past girlfriends have told me that I was the best to them and they are forever grateful for the time they spent with me yet I still have thoughts about them and others! Any guidance is appreciated, I feel as if I’m alone with these worries! I need help to stop seeking reassurance.

Why when I see triggering sexual images do I get hyperawareness to my saliva? It kept me awake pretty much all night last night with me constantly monitoring my saliva production and while I was getting intrusive thoughts I was constantly noticing everytime I involuntarily swallowed and I’ve woke up feeling so depressed thinking it means something I’m so tired😔

at the start of the year my ex friends got together and spammed illegal disgusting stickers on the whatsapp groupchat to annoy me, because for them i was the morally strict one and they would often make fun of me, but not to this degree...they traumatised me and they thought it was something funny. I have POCD, so you can assume what those stickers were... Since then i cut them off from my life, I wanted to take revenge, I felt an uncontrollable rage and resentment towards them. I felt like the one thing that I didn't want to happen happened. What traumatised me is that it accidentally downloaded while i tried to manually select it to delete it. that stuff got downloaded on my phone without my consent automatically. i immediately deleted it. i dont wish this stain on anybody. i feel like i committed a crime, and i feel like im incriminating myself. I was so paranoid before that something like this could happen that i turned off automatic download on whatsapp. But I fucking made the mistake to press on the sticker to manually delete it... it's heavy if i think abt the words. abt what factually happened despite me not liking it, not partecipating in it. but i feel guilty by association. i cant stand that it got downloaded on my phone. i feel this unwashable stain that is not mine, but it is still my fault for accidentally pressing on it. to download it was not my intent at all, i wanted to delete that stuff and i was in panic. I cried. I don't think i have the courage and the strenght to accept that it wasn't my fault, and to be strong and resolute over my innocence. I feel like that my technicality im a criminal.

My previous post continued.. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m a bad person and I feel like I’m experiencing some false memory with my overthinking, that my mind is telling me I was the problem. I did something. That I’m a bad person, I never meant to hurt the guy at all and even though I said I didn’t like him back and acknowledged I felt merely as emotional connection after he left my place Monday. I apologize for my terrible behavior which was unhealed from stuff in the recent breakup I was in, though it wasn’t an excuse I warned him that sometimes I say stuff that is rude with out knowing and that I have trouble understanding social cues. Literally all I wanted to do was give him a chance. Give myself a chance. Just said why not. I’ve never had anyone choose me. And I felt like I was in a good place to at least TALK with someone, get to know them, test the waters before a whole relationship and taking stuff further and he was okay with that. I noticed alot of stuff too, he’d say he wanted me in his life and talked about the future and stuff when he first confessed to me and it was like the 2 day. Monday before he started acting like this he told me everything was okay and told me he loved me. It’s like he changed completely and I understood from hurting but just started acting rude, distant, cold. He never once said “Hey listen I’m really hurting right now and it isn’t your fault with the choice you made not liking me, I might be distant and a bit off if we talk”. Just full blown ghosted me. No communication. I never expected us to be friends immediately afterwards. The only thing he said when I messaged him Monday was he needed time to think, I understand and assumed space but all I wanted was to talk. And I would’ve left him alone if he just would’ve communicated to me more. He’d been so sweet and kind and nice and understanding the past 3 weeks and when he left he just became distant and told me he needed time to think when I mentioned we should slow things down, I asked if I did anything wrong and tried communicating. I have such a terrible habit of persistently trying to get an answer to things, from others or myself, and I feel shitty for texting him alot on his phone a few times cause I was overthinking, just because I wanted to talk for 5 mins about if I did something wrong or what not. He finally responded and said he’d been busy all week and he has a busy life and he’s a busy person. I even asked if he even knew how it affected me when he ignored my asks to talk and my apologies. even though I’d seen him online so many times and he’d leave me on read, I knew it was annoying and vowed to stop on wensday night (that’s when he replied). I just wanted communication. I was overthinking and I feel like I’m a bad person now. I was aware of what I did and told myself I would work on it too with alot of things. I just feel so fucking guilty for saying repeatedly he wasn’t my type and when I talked about my ex boyfriend cause I was still hurt by him. I apologized but I feel guilty.

Have you other Christian’s delta major shift spiritually. I don’t know what’s to come but I feel heavy in my spirit and I’m kind of scared. That I’m uncertain and everyone’s emotions are very high right now.

Hi guys, I'm currently dealing with another setback that started about a week ago. I was doing pretty well for the past month and a half, and was so happy that I was able to stay more present in my life. I had another setback in July but came back stronger than before, and I know I can do that again this time but it feels SO hard. My OCD is latching to my fear of other mental illnesses ("going crazy, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder), but also has hit me where it really hurts and is now targeting the love I have for my dog. Has anyone had a setback that added a new theme? I'm having intrusive thoughts AND images now, and I have a lot of DP/DR. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack, and the only reason why I'm not having one is because I know how to let them pass (thanks for the DARE method). I know that my OCD is based on my fear of not being able to live my life (even though I know people with the conditions I mentioned are able to live fulfilling lives), and I'm trying to treat this like all of my other OCD themes/fears. My therapist said to do exposures based on what's really bothering me, but it feels chaotic since multiple things are bothering me (fear of "going crazy", fear of hurting myself or someone I love, what if I don't love my dog anymore?). Any advice helps! I really am appreciative of this community. 💛

Is it normal to not feel like you have much to talk about on the phone with your partner?

I question my intentions and doubt myself and my actions when I catch myself making an observation or doing a double take on someone out in public or online. I get really triggered because I feel I’m disrespecting my girlfriend. Example: I caught myself doing a double take looking at a picture of someone online while trying to find someone’s email for work stuff. I continue to question my initial “thought”. Was it “oh that persons attractive” or “that person looks familiar”. I felt like my attention was taken away from my girlfriend. Obviously my brain wants it to be the most “negative” thought so I have the compulsion to confess to my girlfriend just an observation that was made. Can anyone relate to this and maybe some strategies that have worked for them or if I’m genuinely just being wrong in doing a double take?🤷🏼‍♂️ it’s getting to the point where I can’t even watch TV or have social media because I’m “looking elsewhere”

I worry about my salvation like every second of the day I don’t know how to have a normal relationship with the one true God

started ERP this week and it hasn’t been easy. i think i’ve also started obsessing about trying to “practice my skills” correctly and burning myself out. not to mention, because i’ve been trying not to give into compulsions, my anxiety has just been at a constant for the last few days and i just need some relief. i just don’t know how to handle it