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the NOCD Community

I am 21, a girl and still in college. I can't afford therapy . I would be so grateful to learn and try the erp practices from the community. Thank you!

How do you guys deal with suicidal thoughts? I feel such a heavy heart like it’s a never ending story My anxiety my intrusive thoughts the blue feelings out of nowhere feeling crazy? I try to say it’s gonna be okay but when? I’ve been dealing w this for almost a year now and I don’t know if it really gets easier there’s some good days but bad as well and whenever I have good days I think about how there’s gonna be bad days again and I’m gonna feel like that again and not knowing when is it gonna end I wanna live but it’s so hard it really is hard living so negative and thinking you shouldn’t live because I’m thinking like a crazy person like I’m not okay, just how? How do I go on with my life how do I not think so negative how do I make myself understand it’s only anxiety and I’m not crazy? It’s so hard my heart feels so heavy I hate it

Today my OCD is making me feel like a cripple. In the beginning of my relationship I wasn’t diagnosed and I struggled so hard with ROCD. When I realized I had OCD, I was slowly able to recover and it didn’t have power over my life anymore. A couple of days ago my partner unintentionally triggered my ROCD again. He asked me if I didn’t know him, would I still find him physically attractive? Now I genuinely don’t know the answer to this question… I tried so hard to imagine what I would think if I did not know him, and I really don’t know, and that is making him feel even more concerned. I can’t really remember my first impression of him, but I know I wasn’t infatuated. My ROCD is really triggered in the back of my head. It’s making me wonder if I am genuinely attracted to him or just used to him because that’s exactly his concern. And because of how important this is, I’m obsessed with giving an honest, accurate answer. I feel so stuck. Do people normally know the answer to this without much thought? I don’t know what to do… admitting my ROCD was making me struggle again made me so deeply sad. I feel alone in my struggles and that no one in my life can really understand how much OCD can hurt.

Hi, I need some advice please. My girlfriend has been in Mexico for a week and she’s gonna be there for two more weeks. She’s on vacation and I’m so excited for her and I’m so happy but she’s really bad at communicating. She’s really bad at texting and I know that, but my anxiety makes me make up things like she doesn’t care or she genuinely doesn’t wanna talk to me and it makes me panic. so I wanna ask her if she could communicate more but I don’t know how and I don’t wanna sound needy or annoying.. So I haven’t but I feel the anxiety of not know about her day.

At times, my intrusive thoughts get so intense that all I can do is lay frozen in my bed and hope I fall asleep, and usually I do even if I'm not tired. My brain just wears me out and I wanna escape through sleep. (Sadly it doesn't work all the time)

I don't know why I am like this. I was getting to know a guy, flirting, in talking stages but I felt more drawn to him as a friend and I let him know. He told me he appreciated letting me know but that he can't stay friends with somebody he is really into. I haven't known him very long but I noticed I was getting attached very quickly, we were hanging out online a bit and messaging a lot, and so now it feels like the whole world is crashing down. I am so afraid that I will never feel like anyone is right. He is so sweet and we have so much in common, yet why am I still thinking about another guy that manipulated me? Do I have PTSD from my ROCD experience, or am I just this terrible person? I know I have to work so much on my OCD but I don't have the money for a NOCD therapist. I am genuinely so scared of being.

I have had ocd/NOCD for a while and recently cheated on my gf bc I had excessive thoughts of maybe if she isn’t the one maybe I should just be w a man I’d make my family happy and my mom happy and my friends and everyone would just be happy and I don’t have to worry about the thought of being the black sheep in my family bc I used to be so loved and being called the “favorite” child. I loved making my mom proud and happy but when I started dating a girl everything changed, she said I was a different person even though I was the same loving daughter that just wanted to make her proud but I couldn’t love who I wanted or be just me. I became bitter and ugly throughout my relationship and carried that with me and that’s the thing, I let myself go and didn’t stay strong for my gf. I betrayed her and also let my family win and let myself down. My family never or hasn’t asked me about anything in my recent life or asks me how I’ve been doing in the 4 years I’ve been away from them…I lost everything just for that one moment of forbidden mistake I can never look back on. I can’t talk to anybody bc that relationship “wasn’t ever real” “you’re dating a gurl” “it’ll never be like dating a man” “you just need a man” “sex is different” “you’re not gunna be happy” all these thing stuck to me for years and hearing those words coming from family that you love, words matter and I always told my gf at the time that my love language was physical touch, acts of service, and quality time. But I never mentioned words of affirmation really, but looking back that’s all that mattered to me and it affected me and made me into an ugly person. I always said that actions speak louder than words and to a certain extent they do but it’s what drives ppl to also do things that motivated them, what they heard to do those things to push them. To go crazy, to go workout, to cheat, to go on a walk early in the morning, to get plastic surgery bc someone said something that they felt so insecure about that it hurt them, or maybe it’s a battle with themselves. Point is words mean a lot especially from people they love, family and close friend, even someone random and it’s your actions that make you move and do things but it’s what you hear for you to do those things. Even things you think of in your head, words are the seeds to your garden. That’s something that I’m learning everyday, so if you have to block and get rid of the people you love because they aren’t happy with your life and want to control it, really ask yourself if it’s worth having them in your life. Sorry for this being so long and thank you for reading.

Right now, i’m waiting for a response from my partner. Yesterday, we got into a serious conversation about the repeated cycle of reassurance seeking and extreme anxiety. he’s been so incredibly patient but I think he’s hit a crosswords in that if I don’t make serious, healthier changes, he does not see the relationship continuing in a healthy or meaningful way anymore. This morning, I told him I wanted to give him space and to respond once he felt comfortable. I attended a support group today but I am consumed with spiraling, obsessive thoughts due to his lack of response now that it’s 5pm and I sent that text at 8am. I dont want to overwhelm him but i just dont know how to sit with the uncertainty. I feel like his lack of response and communication today means he wants to break up. I feel sick and cannot eat. I dont know what to do- any suggestions or thoughts?

Does anyone know of any rehabilitation centers for mental health? My ocd has gotten bad today to the point where I feel like leaving :( and desperately get help . Ever since I began medication months ago I been feeling fine but all sudden I feel like my episodes are rapidly coming back. I’m more responsive to them. I find myself ruminating more and engaging in compulsions. I feel embarrassed that my family would have to know if I considered making that choice of leaving . It’s never gotten to this breaking point , or at least I don’t think. I’ve been through this a billion times and each time it feels like it’s the worst and it’s gonna be the one that will permanently take over me and my full control. I’m from Elkhart, Indiana. Or if there’s anyone here that can talk to me I’d appreciate it I feel so alone right now and I’m more vulnerable because I’m home alone and I don’t have many friends. I’m scared that I’m gonna lose touch with myself. I don’t wanna lost my values or stop feeling my normal self. It feels real and scary. I want it to stop.

my bf basically told me he dosent feel like i love/ like him as much as he does (i will not get in detail he didnt use the word love or like) amd i know he thinks that bc of how i bahave (many times my thoughts take over me) amd i feel sad and with no emotiona at the same time, i feel bad does this mean i dont love him, im so lost and drained

I haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD but when I learned more about it, I never related to anything more. A little back story: when I was younger, there were a couple of youth suicides in my area and the schools felt the need to have someone come in and talk about suicide. Well the person they had come in did a horrible job teaching it and basically made it seem like the smallest negative emotion or feeling or change in behavior made you suicidal. This ended up scaring me so much that I got horrid anxiety. Fast forward to now, Everytime I feel anxiety and panic, I fear I'm going to kill myself. Everytime I feel down and depressed, I fear I'll end it all. I'm scared to be around anything sharp because the "What if" I hurt myself comes into my mind. There are always intrusive thoughts at almost every point of the day. And it's not only for me. Everytime I hear someone being negative, I fear they will be suicidal. I know in my heart that none of this is true but it's terrifying me that it's stuck around so much that it makes me scared that maybe it is true. I've had a lot of death in my family in the past year and a half and a lot of other family drama that I'd never had before that is now also bringing up existential intrusive thoughts. And I'd never questioned anything about life before but now I get the "why is life like this?" and "does anything we do matter?" and I hate it. I don't want to think like that. I just want to go through life being able to handle things normally again. It terrifies me even right now going "what if you give up?"

I have a story I’ve been working on for a long time. I have lost passion for it and it’s become harder to work on because of this. Every day I feel the urge to write down details of one specific character because it “never feels right”, I just write the same things over and over and over, and I keep checking and rereading to see if it “makes sense”. This has been going on for a while now and it feels familiar to my other compulsions, which were related to things like my morality and ruminating the past, I used to do this same stuff just a different theme. It’s just this unstoppable urge to reread and rewrite everything about my character because each time I feel like it’s wrong and I’m missing something, I try to stop but it’s so important to me that my characters are good and well written. Does anyone else have this?

You know when you have weird thoughts about a coworker and because you have OCD these thoughts really stick and you panic and feel sick? Yeah that’s me and I’ve struggled with having intrusive thoughts about my coworker and now he just got in a relationship with my coworker and my intrusive thoughts are WORSE I thought they would be better? And initially they were because I was relieved that he couldn’t be weird with me now because he has a girlfriend. But this is the thought that i cannot get over- my OCD is like you’re jealous that he doesn’t like you and he’s not with you instead and i envy this girl he is with. Why the fuck am I having these thoughts while I’m in a healthy relationship and love my boyfriend to DEATH- like I know he is my forever. I couldn’t look at him today because I’ve been obsessing over this thought I’ve had in work and now I have to find a new job I hope no one will judge me for these thoughts or maybe someone has had this weird thought before? :(

(TW: thoughts abt incest, sexual assault and r4pe) (english is not my first language, srry if this has any mistake) hello, i'm doing another post abt this and i hope that somebody can give me advice. well, i keep having these sexual intrusive thoughts with my old brother. thoughts that we are doing "you know what", that we're kissing or doing things that people in a romantic relationship do. i just hate this and wish it would stop, but its been 9 months that i keep having these thoughts every single day and i dont think it will stop soon. for some time now, i've gotten it into my head that he's in love with me too and that's been scaring me. i can't sit near him or be in front of him because i feel super uncomfortable. i think "he's looking at my ass" and then i think "wtf is wrong with me?". if i find a man pretty or have a crush on a celebrity, i think: "you only like him because he reminds you of your brother." i cant even look at his face anymore or touch him. when i go to the bathroom to take a shower, i think: "my brother's going to come in here and r4pe me" or that he will sexually harass me at some point, and i feel so AWFUL bc my brother would NEVER do something like that and i dont want this to happen. he's my brother and i love him so much, but not in the way my mind is telling me that i do. my OCD is like i have two voices in my head, one saying "you are in love with him and you want to sleep with him!!" and the other one says: "NO I'M NOT!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!". the second one is the one that represents my true opinion, but sometimes i dont know who is telling the truth and i keep doubting of myself, im so tired and im only 14 years old, this OCD is ruining my life and i cant live like that anymore. somebody, please, give me some advice abt how can i deal with this.

if so, at what point? and how much do you explain? are there sources you like to use that might explain to them what it actually is?

I have a question here. And i have a dillema here. My partner whenever i feel down or get worse threatens to leave me. She puts all the responsobility of the relatioship on me and i am kind of able to manage, but i just have strong distrust towards her that when it will get worse for me she will again threaten to leave. I understand that being with me is not easy, but how to feel safe in the repationships when your partner cares only about me making her happy, and when you are down and fighting with chronic condition and need supoort she makes demands and threatens to leave you ? Everything is good only when all my partners needs are met, i kind of feel this is one sided, and i am kind of sure that it's not coming from ROCD but it fuels it quite a bit.

i’m getting super overwhelmed when i pray bc it’s constant, and when i pray i get distracted and then repeat myself and the bad thoughts just come full force and i just can’t pray rn bc im too fustrated and too distracted and it’s all too much rn and i can’t handle it. is God mad at me? i wanna cry

Think the best thing that I could do for myself is to actively practice positive thinking. Good things did happen today. There's a lot that I'm thankful for. There's a lot that I'm grateful to have. There's opportunities that I'm happy that I have right now. I just have to hold onto those and not the negative thoughts or anything that makes me feel bad.

it feels like i’m going insane. a while ago, i felt this internal prompting (believing it to be the Holy Spirit). my friend prayed for me & she got a different response from God than the one im feeling is from Him. whenever i go to make a decision to stay, i feel so much unrest. i feel bad and i feel like God’s angry. when i decide to leave, it makes me physically go into a depression & experience extreme anxiety. i stop eating, start picking at my face, take melatonin to sleep, and it makes me wanna draw away from God because it hurts so bad. my community is telling me that God is not heavy and does not punish you for making a choice, but it feels like it. my community is also saying so many different things & im confused. people are saying that God is good and kind…as a believer, i know He’s good and kind, but i don’t feel like it. i feel like im being forced to do something. like a stirring in my spirit so bad, i feel like i can’t do anything else. i’ve been in a 3 month depression (maybe my own fault for not making a decision and following peace…but what happens when peace is there but so is anxiety and depression & fear & worry & feeling like i want to die?) ugh

I learned what i did was wrong and everything i tried to do when i was anxious was kinda avoidance and not what i should do, and what i should do is not figuring the anxiety out, its more like teaching myself that its okay to have anxiety, its also a feeling like happiness, sadness, anger and so on... However thos is my second try and im starting to feel sick sitting with the anxiety, i feel like im more like staring at it and it starts to get worse, i worry more, and i accept it but that doesnt do anything to it cause its still worry... Some of the thoughts that are scare and feeds the anxiety are automatic and my reactions too are automatic, the solution are always run to someone, run to a therapist to solve my problem but thats not the answer. The problem is that now im in a headspace where my thoughts say i cant deal with this and my feelings are lining up to that so it starts to get desperate, and im starting to be afrad of these thoughts cause i dont want to feel that i cant deal with this, its just more panic. And now im desperate and angry, i dont think sitting with it and staring az it would help or noticing everything, i feel horrible doing that. What i labeled before as "pushing away the feelings" seems like a solution cause i feel like now im constantly watching in and now i became afraid of everything, even the reactions... im just too inward focused, i dont think this one helps now. Im afraid of these depressive "i cant deal with this" thoughts, these made me panic before and i was in depression because of these before... I dont know what is the next step cause im being stucked here...