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can i talk to someone pls? i just need someone to listen to me

Yesterday I went to bowling with friends and I noticed a teen girl, and I'm very afraid that what I felt could have been a feeling of attraction, or was it just the impression of what she actually looked like? It wasnt like she had revealing clothes or things like that, and even if she was that would be on me, but i think she had an exposed back, and it was from afar and it happened in a very brief instant, so maybe it could be that before recognizing the young age my brain might have reacted to the "look" of what my eyes saw before fully elaborating everything, and when I did I got immediately triggered and identified the trigger. I don't know. I didn't like it, and I don't want it. If I visualise it now I know I'm not into it and that I don't like it. I'm afraid that for an instant I might have felt an impulsive independent feeling of attraction to what I saw, then realised what happened or identified the subject age and got triggered and bothered. But that would not make what happened the moment before any less true. It all happened so fast I don't know. I tried to compulsively check again what I saw trying to understand, but there were more triggers in that direction so I just stopped. After that I immediately felt depressed and I was silent and emotionless the whole evening and my friends were buzzing me trying to cheer me up asking me why I was like this. I just wanted to go home, it was too much for me, I wished that I never had come. There was a waiting list of 1 hour, so we went outside, after 1 hour had passed we went inside again, and I was hoping to see the trigger again to try to understand what I felt and hopefully gain the answer that it was a misunderstanding from my part, but it was gone. I didn't have the opportunity to fix it. I just prayed that it was just OCD. Then after a few hours I forgot abt it and shelved the memory of what happened, and played with my friends, but the whole time I just wanted to go home to ruminate and try to understand and fix what happened. I don't know. I feel so depressed, this morning whenever I woke up I just tried to go to sleep because I wasn't ready to face the reality of what might have happened. Whatever it happened, it felt "real" and what I'm afraid it might have happened feels like that too. I feel so depressed because the same evening before going out I had watched Arcane season 2 on Netflix and there was this episode 7 which was beautiful and I experienced happiness seeing a couple dancing and it felt so pure and beautiful and I was hoping to to feel that type of love one day too. I don't think I deserve to feel such thing after what happened yesterday. I don't think I deserve to experience something like love, I'm stained. I'm not worthy. I'm crying as I write this.

TW: incest, convincing yourself of feelings/trauma and assault, and unhealthy attachment, obsessions on a loved one that cause distress. For years I've struggled with intrusive thoughts regarding relationships. I never paid them any mind, but it always worried me that I didn't actually love my partner. I feel so happy with her, but I worry that I am lying to myself. This is where it gets ridiculous, so please no judgement. I began dating her during the summer, it is long-distance and online, but we make plans to one day be able to meet and be together in real life. Randomly, throughout conversations, I would get reminded of emojis or words my dad would use in text. I don't know why that would happen, but I tired to ignore it and just focus on talking to her. However, as time went by I began to fear my brain because at first I feared that my dad had innappropritate feelings or intentions with me. Whenever he'd touch me, I'd smack his hands away and avoid it as much as I could. But then, I somehow convinced myself that the fear was because deep-down I actually wanted him to touch me/feel things for me. The thoughts got so bad that I became bedridden, but the worst part is that I worry about doing something I'll regret. I have spoken to him about it and he told me that it was simple "father-daughter" relationship, but I still have that nagging voice in there telling me I wish it was more. I began to question myself and my morals and what made me, me. Whenever something romantic comes up, I think of my dad instead of my girlfriend and it makes me so uncomfortable and cry. Whenever something reminds me of him, I tell myself it's because I think of him romantically. I even have those weird thoughts about marrying him or being in a relationship with him. They make me so uncomfortable, but it's so hard to ignore them. I feel like I'm lying to myself and that I'm just defending myself by posting this, but I can't take it anymore. It's driving me insane. For context: My dad and I have a very close relationship and I love hanging out with him. He makes me feel seen and understood as much as he can. He doesn't judge me and he helps me when I'm stressed. However, I'm beginning to think that the amount of support he gave me damaged me and caused me to latch onto him unhealthily. I feel bad for wanting to spend time with him, but I can't just not be around him because even then the thoughts don't stop. I feel like a monster and I want to just focus on my girlfriend and be happy, but part of me worries that I'll become obsessed with her too and never be able to be independent. I made the mistake of looking up Limerence and convincing myself I have that for my father. It's so strange because I don't not see him sexually or want to be with him that way, but it's the romantic connection that's puzzling me. I hardly see anyone talking about it. How did I convince myself of this? I ruminated and it's making my life living hell. I worry that one day, if I manage to push these thoughts away, they'll become reality and I won't be in control of them anymore. Another piece of context: I haven't been in a romantic relationship in-person in many years. The last one I had was in highschool and I am in college now. It's hard to accept that I may have mistaken my father's parental love for that of romantic interest. I just feel disgusting and it makes me nauseous to think about it, but I can't stop. I know I'm into women. I hardly have any attraction to men except celebrities and fictional characters. I want this relationship with my girlfriend and she knows what I struggle with. I just can't deal with this anymore. It's gotten to the point of wishing I could take my brain out. I'm scared. Please, help.

No one sees that anyway so i just type what i feel...I cant just bare the ocd i have...everytime it keeps getting worse, childhood traumas,dreams,mistakes and so on they wont leave my head, the worst part of my ocd is that when i see person who i hate or see from horror movies or anything like that, i cant bare it my stress skyrockets and worst part is that for years ive been developing it further, now when i see their names or faces no matter where, in a dream...maybe picture and real life? My day is ruined even if i do my compulsion because my compulsion is in normal cases seeing names that i dont like 2x go to toilet and wash my hands 2x and brush my teeth, not fear of bacteria just feel like getting this bad aura off my chest, however if i do experience huge stress like see the person i need to go and do these same things...execpt for that time i need to actually wash myself too... and worse part is i now started counting how many times i go to wc because if i see the person in school i can only make it like 3.6.9th time going to the toilet because i have compulsion about nunbers and 3,6,9 are the bad numbers and deserved to be put into bad people also the letters the names start with... always when i type i need to press y after..., even breathing,swallowing,blinking applies when i see these people...my life is a hell, and when i do see them my day is ruined because i feel like doing something special prioritizes them more than my loved ones... i cant anymore ive tried to stop but everytime a new trauma occurs wheter in a dream or irl i just cant bare it...it affects my life so so much i just cant, it has given me addictions and so on, when i see people i hate i cant enjoy my favorite soda when i see the person, cant order some new stuff from the web, cant learn new things, cant watch my favorite video, cant do anything for the whole day or day(s) when i dont see them, cant do anything new or something i feel special about since i saw this or these people....it goes away in school time since i stop caring about it...but ohh man how it resets in the summer and lasts longer and usually worse....i just cant this is hell. And no one knows i have it not even diagnosed with it. hell.

I've dealt with 'self Harm/suicidal OCD' since 2018, back then I had alot of physical compulsions & extreme anxiety, doubled with poorly ocd-informed professionals it took me almost a year to recover. I did CBT & ERP therapies & recovered well. I've had short lapses over almost every year lasting maybe a month or so before they faded, each time I got prescribed meds but never took them as by the time I reached that point i seemed to just vanish as quick as it started. Alot of my compulsions are mental based, mostly questioning, trying to determine OCD or not & alot of ruminating. With this lapse I didn't initially get anxious which confused me & I started getting anxiety about the lack of anxiety, thoughts of maybe I am in denial & that these thoughts were wanted/desired. I've been trying to reduce the compulsions at the very least delay them (Going into NOCD forum and searching these groups to find certainty that it's still OCD) I had ALOT of anxiety a few days ago and really struggled to bring it down but I did with the help of friends just talking to me on the phone. I went to the Gp yesterday, I wrote everything down for them - part of me knows I did that so that they would understand I didn't feel like a risk to myself. I was offered medication but told things like propranolol wouldn't be beneficial because my triggers are all caused by thinking instead of seeing objects or things etc. I can look at sharp objects, I can use them with little issue. But I did ask the Gp to only prescribe 7 days tablets at a time as a precaution. When I came out of the GPs office I felt great, like it was a big confirmation that this was ALL OCD and I don't need to panic, knowing I have the meds one way or another I think provided the sense of 'safety' I needed. I've also booked with a private CBT therapist to start in a few weeks The anxiety is back to lower levels and I've been trying to let them be there, rationally I know that this is the aim but I can't help feeling that somehow I'm 'leaning' into the thoughts as in 'actively' thinking about suicide and that the calmness is because once people make up their mind they feel a sense of calm & relief. I also think, I know too much about my experience and about OCD that it's making things difficult and sticky to work through. I know this post is likely compulsive but the waves of potentially having ideation and not OCD is really starting to become draining & ridiculous. I can see how much work I'm putting in to overcome it & the goal is to be non reactive but jeez I remind myself that I've had these lapses before although not as intense and I have no history of harming myself or attempts reminds me but still, sometimes it feels particularly convincing especially when I first wake up in a morning.

Is there anyone here with ocd who is taking sertraline such as Zoloft or Asentra in dosages higher than 200mg, which is the official max recommended dosage? How do you and your doctor make sure you have not developed the serotonin syndrome? Do doses over 200mg make a significant difference in managing ocd for you? I would appreciate your answers.

Before I was diagnosed with OCD, I would constantly figure out why something triggered me. I don’t know if this is like bad for OCD but it usually calmed me down enough to where it would practically go away fully. I’ve been in the worst spiral of my life for about two months now. There’s certain thoughts I cannot sit down and think of triggers because it simply makes them worse. However, there are thoughts where I notice that they pop up around the same repetitive trigger. For example: inappropriately grabbing my mom would flash before my eyes when I would playfully reach for her. This happened so many times over the last several weeks and I kinda had an “aha” moment a few minutes ago. It’s basically like an extra barrier, an extra warning. The last thing I want to do is make my mom uncomfortable and whenever I grab for her, the worst case scenario appears. As a form of *remember this could happen, stay away.* Maybe this all sounds obvious and if it does, I’m sorry. Essentially, I would also feel like I almost did it, ofc it did, all I saw in that moment was the worst case scenario. The urge I feel to do it was a compulsion to test if I would even get close to considering it. I don’t actively think of it, it feels like my ADHD brain kinda solves the puzzle and throws out the answer at a random moment. I don’t know, maybe this all harms me more but in my experience understanding why certain things trigger me (not why the thought is there, figuring that out makes me worse, I keep a generic broad idea: it’s probably the opposite of me *shrug*) have helped me a ton. I’m still hypervigilant and I’m working on just refocusing my attention to the present but I wanted to share for any opinions or advice. I’m still very new at handling this and learning since I was only recently diagnosed so please take all of this with a grain of salt. The last thing I would want to do is make anyone worse. So any thoughts?

About a little over a year now I have had this constant feeling that “I’m going to die” or “need to die”. It started in the summer of 2023, then when fall came around it went away for a while. This past summer it began again and has continued since. I remember searching online “Why do I feel like I’m going to die?” That’s when I read about suicidal ideation. I wasn’t sure if it was that or if it was possibly another OCD flare up. These thoughts are just constantly lingering in the back of my head. Whether I’m at work or out doing something fun I get this really upsetting feeling that I’m going to die. I become panicky and cry a lot when I feel this come on. I’ve also been so terrified at the thought of death and what happens when you’re gone. It’s difficult to tell whether I’m depressed or if it’s suicide OCD. My brain always tells me “What if I actually want to die?” or “What if it’s not OCD and I’m actually just insane?” It is so debilitating living with this. I also have another thought saying “What if this is the only way to make things stop?” I get extremely worried about doing something bad to myself everyday. I can’t even tell what’s real or not anymore. Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice?

Hello all! I need some recommendations from anyone who tried therapy with the NOCD therapists. preferably anyone who is struggling with Religious OCD, SO-OCD and Existential OCD If you tried therapy here, how was your experience? would you recommend any specific therapists for a specific subtype? any feedback is appreciated!

My ex therapist said I was probably a lesbian if I had these thoughts, she never diagnosed me with ocd even if I was so obsessed with being sick that I used to go every day to the hospital for years. I was so obsessed with not loving my ex boyfriend, my mom, my Friends that I used to cry every day and Watch their pictures all the time to see if I loved Them. I Changed therapist and She immediately diagnosed me with ocd. But i'm scared to go to therapy now, because of my ex therapist. What If the second One is wrong and First was right? What If they can see things about myself I can't see yet. I'm terrified. I don't want to talk about myself anymore to anyone.

Hey all. I’ve been reading all your posts on here and I can definitely relate. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD but I know that I have it. My main OCD is contamination and health anxiety OCD. I noticed that my OCD started getting worse around 2019-2020 at the time of the pandemic. However I feel like my Contamination and health anxiety OCD is worse than many people on here due to circumstances in my life. Okay so during COVID 19 I had a Asthma problem which gave have a asthma attack. I am not sure if I still have asthma because it’s possible that I can grow out of it (I’m 19), but I’m having tests done by my doctor to see if I do and even if I do it’s very very mild asthma. Now I have to use a inhaler with a device called a spacer which is important in getting medication into your lungs when you have asthma. Now I don’t worry about my asthma when I use my inhaler correctly. Here is where OCD attacks me, the spacer device for asthma needs to be cleaned fortnightly to work properly. My OCD contamination anxiety has a very big fear of ✨Glitter✨, it sounds crazy but I am absolutely terrified of glitter not just because it’s messy and gets everywhere like many other people with contamination anxiety know with similar things. But also I’m terrified of glitter going onto my asthma spacer causing it to fail working which would cause my asthma medication to not get into my lungs which MIGHT have a adverse effect on my health (I say MIGHT because I’m still having asthma tests done). So my contamination OCD is also a fear of my health. My OCD is stopping me living my life for example my local gas/petrol station has a mini Christmas tree full of glitter at the checkout, I went there the other day and had a massive Compulsion to get away from the glitter and clean everything on me before I went into my house. If I went into my house my house would have been contaminated. I barley go into shops of stores or anywhere this time of year because of the Christmas decorations with glitter on them. I know ERP works over time but I cannot see myself going near any glitter because I think it will put me in hospital. Thank you for reading guys.

I believe I have a form of "Pure o" OCD because my entire life has been one long series of obsessions, and I'm now starting to realize I've also had compulsions but they are most mental. Primarily ruminating or "problem solving". I finally found information on OCD which explains my life, but my brain is now obsessing about anxiety itself and having OCD. It's constantly trying to "fix it" or "solve it." I know I have to apply ERP which I have been trying to do, but I can't figure out what to do with the extreme impulse to try to "figure it out or solve it" which I believe is a compulsion. I know I need to not go down it's rabbit hole, but does anyone have any tips of how to actually do that? Like, what do I say to it in my mind to keep me from following it? Or is that a compulsion in itself? I'm very confused.

For context, I have severe health OCD and contamination OCD. I also am possibly on the autism spectrum. Sometimes I truly wonder if it actually is this debilitating or if something else is underlying. I can’t go out in public anymore, my physical symptoms are so severe that I can’t do anything but lay in bed, they are so severe that I wonder if it’s a chronic illness instead, I can’t do my online school work, I can’t hang out with friends, I don’t enjoy things I normally would anymore, I’m starting to lose hope, every day I’m unbalanced, floaty feeling, pressure on my chest, weird tightness where my heart is, PVC beats, headaches, my heart races when I get up, I feel weak, I’m so tired not physically but mentally, I don’t have motivation to keep up with my hygiene, I can’t even walk down the road without panicking, I can hardly even sit in a car to go to the doctors, my appetite is completely lost and I’ve started losing weight, I’ve started to even get depressed because I realize how sad my life is, I worry over every single symptom and every sensation I feel. Everything feels so real and so intense. It ruined my birthday, I didn’t even enjoy it or do anything. I’m so exhausted. I’m not even exaggerating, I eat, drink water, sleep, and lay in bed all day. I don’t do anything. I’m only 17 and it already feels like my life is about half over. Each day that goes by feels so hopeless and meaningless that they have started to merge. I really started to go downhill whenever the election happened. Then my therapist didn’t have any openings for 3 more weeks so I haven’t left the house, my life 360 says I’ve been in my home since “November 14th” my symptoms got really bad (which i definitely was sick with something looking back), and now I just feel the same symptoms I listened above every day. I stopped taking hydroxyzine cause I found out that it can cause heart issues and haven’t felt safe to take it since. I was prescribed Zoloft for the second time, it worked the first time but now my mind is too scared to take it again for fear it may make me worse. So I can’t take medication. I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore, my life is so depressing. I’ve just started to go completely downhill. I’m 2022 this is the month that I went to a mental hospital for the first time, I’m about to make it a second cause i genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. Is OCD really this debilitating? It feels like I genuinely have to have something else, there’s no way that something mental can really cause this much devastation in someone’s life. Right? I don’t even know anymore. I’m trying to stay positive but I just want to break down and cry. I feel so lost and hopeless, am I really this broken mentally that it’s ruining my entire life? I would appreciate any support and motivation to keep going because I genuinely feel emotionless.

How does ERP work for Real Event OCD? What's the catch? SOMETHING has to give. It's not just about "stopping the compulsions" or "stopping the OCD cycle," it's about the open question of how to live with your integrity in tact at the same time. If ERP means "be ok with not knowing" or "don't see reassurance," that sounds to me more like a recipe for delusion instead of an actual solution that you can be at peace with. I think OCD + real event OCD is about trying to endlessly make peace with yourself, and if "be delusional" is the answer, I don't think that's a real solution. Would love for my mind to be changed or opened to new avenues on this.

I've struggled with untreated Real Event OCD for years. Recently, it's gotten worse though. I just really don't "feel right." Like my brain is constanly on fire and inflamed and "blocked" in some way. Basically I've had my little OCD "system" of intrusive thought --> ruminate --> deal with the issue mentally --> do compulsion (writing it down) so I actually "remember" that it was "dealt with." Rinse and repeat. I do "delay" the rumination a lot. Which brings me to my latest episode -- I came across a "paradoxal" issue that I couldn't get a resolution to. For WEEKS. This put me in a strange head space. I was perpetually delaying it. This, I believe, caused my new "brain symptoms." It actually feels like OCD itself -- or not dealing with the issue -- created an actual "traumatic experience." During those weeks, and still today, I've experienced: - Brain fog - Burnt out - Constant tension headaches - Emotionally numb (sometimes) - Trouble focusing sometimes - Mental fatigue - Info overload - Sundowning (like a mf'n 90 year old!) - Dread / empty feeling, especially when I wake up in the morning - A lot of doubt and second guessing - Been waking up every single night in the the middle of the night. Not feeling like I'm getting good sleep. - Health anxiety (or is it real?) -- am I getting demenia, am I getting early onset Alzeheimers? I went to see a neuoriolgist and she said I don't have dementia. Ordered a MRI / brain scan mainly for peace of mind (pardon the pun) and Magnesium + B2 - which I haven't started yet. What's so f'd up is that even after "deadling" with that paradoxal issue -- which DID bring some relief -- I'm still experiencing a lot of brain fog, emotional numbness, focus problems, mental fatigue, etc. still. Is this my new normal? What happens when OCD daily triggers chronic stress. What happens when chronic stress is the status quo and you can't "get back" to the person you were before or the cognitive state you were at before? It's one thing for OCD to rob your joy, time, peace of mind, etc. but for it to turn into an actual medical brain issue is scary af and creates even more stress and anxiety.

My mom and I have always been very codependent on eachother. A few months ago we found out she had gallbladder cancer stage 4 that spread everywhere. Now it's getting to the end, this is the last thing me and my family expected, I have never been the strong one, my mom always has, but I have not left her side during this whole thing. I already feel the pain of losing her coming on and it already feels unbearable. I was just wondering if anyone else is or was close to a parent who has passed at a young age and just felt helpless and like they couldn't handle it. Any stories and helpful tips about this subject would help me alot. I don't know where else to turn except to find a psychologist.

I’m a female who has never been too interested in make up. For the longest time I remember hating how it felt on my skin, and no one was around to teach me how to do it properly. Whenever I put it on, I feel like a pig wearing lipstick, you know? Recently, I’ve been really wanting to wear some and learn, so I’ve collected make up items and watched videos and tutorials, but whenever I do it I seem very anxious or very upset with the end result, like I don’t like it. I think I’m just not used to seeing myself wearing it, but my transgender OCD keeps telling me that it’s somehow proof or evidence that I’m actually a boy instead of a girl, or that I somehow WANT to be a boy instead of a girl. It’s very stressful, I know for a fact that I’m not a boy and don’t want to be a boy or a man, but my OCD keeps telling me that the feeling of thinking I look like a “pig wearing lipstick” is gender dysphoria. At this point, everything I do is laced with “you wanna be a boy, you’re trans, you want to be a man, one day you’ll transition into a man and your thoughts will be proven right.” It’s very exhausting.

Hi fellow NOCD-ers. Ive been on this app for a few months now and undergoing erp therapy for a couple of weeks. Ive dealt with various themes but my So-ocd has been prominent throughout my life. I remember it clear as day that the thought popped into my head after I saw a girl with long hair running down the street. My brain went “what if you like girls” and since then this theme has been present in my life. Until that point I had crazy crushes and fantasies about boys. I was about 11 when the SO-ocd started. Since then, it’s always been confusing but I’ve had some serious relationships with men and im married to a wonderful male partner. Despite all this - the doubts creep in. At this point I dont really care if im not straight (rn I even identify as bi). But the thought of having to leave my relationship is so distressing to me because of course my ocd is says “what if youre lying and you never liked men and youre a lesbian” Im just wondering if anyone else has been dealing with this theme since they were young? Just looking to connect with people with similar experiences and not searching for reassurance ♥️

I’ve been really struggling for the past week. It comes and goes in waves, but it’s been a lot. I’m doing my best today to not spiral, but I am full of what ifs. I’m just trying my hardest not to follow them down the hole. Some days this feels so real and has me fully convinced that I am gay and that I need to leave my husband, but at the end of the day I know I want to be in bed with my husband giving him a big kiss goodnight. My exposure for the next week and a half before my next session is to watch my wedding video daily and track my distress and practice my response prevention. It’s been tough! After my episode over the summer I haven’t been able to watch it because of all the guilt i’ve been feeling (and I was someone who watched her wedding video once a week since getting married 3 years ago and always glowed when I watched it.) It’s been tough, i feel this rush of fear and sadness wash over me and I just have to do my best not to react. After doing my exposure this morning, i was able to handle the task, but afterwards I started spiraling a bit. I’m screaming to myself in the car “YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW THAT THOUGHT” or “YOU DONT NEED TO FIGURE THIS OUT” but it’s so tough. I know they say that when you’re in the throws of OCD everything and anything can become a trigger. I keep getting flashes of old coming out videos I’ve watched, articles about LBL that I have read, masculine presenting women that I have seen that have caused me discomfort and anxiety. I’m doing my best to sit with it, but these thoughts are coming at me from so many different angles. I am hoping I am at the end of this flare up soon.

I’m really struggling all of a sudden. I have urges to break up and i don’t want to at all it makes me feel physically ill and i get terrible thoughts about myself and my character. I’m just very tired and miss being able to love my partner without worry. Sometimes i do question if u even have rocd but then i read about it and it’s literally everything that i go through. My boyfriend is the most amazing person and i know id never meet another person like him. We have little differences but i love him very much. It’s like my rocd has taken those small differences and made them seem like dealbreakers when they aren’t. It’s made me question if i love him enough because im constantly thinking terrible things about us. When i see him and im present i feel in love and happy and very glad i’ve stick through this. The past few days though for some reason im so overwhelmed. Literally this past weekend i was with him and felt SO happy and just at home. Now that im alone ive been having the urges again and i just hate myself for it i don’t want to ruin this for myself. If anyone has tips on how to deal with breakup urges and just be like hey the anxiety isn’t going to disappear by leaving please let me know.