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my harm ocd is saying that i have to carry out my harm thoughts and that i have to do it. but i don’t want to? i don’t know how to sit with this it makes me believe that i’m genuinely an evil person :(

So after taking a break from this app for a little over a month I thought I'd make a decision to cut out bad habits that I feel I can't moderate or affect my dopamine. (gaming, TV etc). I did this cold turkey and it highlighted a compulsion that is never really considered, avoidance. I used to think the days were never long enough and how can I possibly do everything in a day. Now they're incredibly long and I find it hard to fill up the time. I joined a new gym and now go for runs. I've started reading which I find enjoyable but can only do it for so long until my brains screaming at me to do something else. I went over some work stuff and found out since the passing of my nan, my financial situation wasn't really kept on top of as ocd went full throttle. I lost thousands... Numerous panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. Stressed me beyond belief. Then there was a light at the end of the tunnel and thought I can get myself out of this ocd hole... And my car starts playing up and causing me to lose thousands more. I took it in to get worked on and they handed it back "fixed". It almost killed me a few days later. If I wasn't experienced enough to deal with the issue I could've died. I took it back and did my best to stay calm and didn't raise my voice. I wanted reassurance but I know its bad for ocd, but I think in this case it's acceptable because it's just reassuring me that my car would be fixed properly and I'd be able to eat and pay the bills. Car issue is almost resolved but omfg the stress over the last month was unbelievable. I got better after therapy without a doubt and I know I can get better again but this all brought it back. Once I got rid of daily distractions and looked at improving my life I didn't realise how much ocd and these habits kept me from looking at the huge hole I buried myself in. I made a deal to give into some compulsions whilst I sort this out as I'm struggling to fight on all fronts at the moment. It's too much. Once my finances are sorted, ocd is going to be a priority to work on again. One thing I learned was you cope with stress, and manage the stressors. I feel as if thats not clarified enough anywhere. Oh and one more thing, I watched a video regarding to me being depressed naturally because of the suicidal thoughts and it was interesting. Basically asked if I was depressed or just have a terrible life. I'm both, but it's because I have a terrible life at the moment. But that will change. Just wish it changed faster 😅 And I think a woman at my gym class has a crush on me so that's one good thing. Can't all be negative

I'm depressed, sad, angry, fucking livid... For some context my OCD has gotten to the point of not making any noise or light in order to do prevent my parents from being distracted when opening or closing the freezer and potentially trapping a stray cat inside, which would be my fault since I'm the one who made the distraction. Since it was becoming impossible to live correctly, because I would stay in one position watching videos with my headphones for hours while they were making food, I decided that I would just check the freezer once a day, a tedious process involving me having to record the entrance of the freezer with my tablet while removing everything and recording the insides of the freezer with my phone. After two days, I had enough and decided to just be careful but two days ago I was pissed off because I was waiting for my parents to go to bed which they usually do at midnight but it was 2 am and my dad had been dozing on the couch for almost 2 hours with my mom telling him to go to bed every 5 minutes. In anger, I squeezed my phone and it slipped, the bright side was now facing the window and could've been a distraction. I took it upon myself to not check the freezer and I haven't since, but I feel super guilty because I don't know if I did squeeze my phone knowing it would potentially make a distraction or not. Since then I feel like I lost, I've been trying to be as careful not to hurt a cat for a year with compulsions, a failure to do so would "corrupt" my hobbies, rendering them "bad" to do (I can't explain that feeling, it's like when you try to play a RPG but you mess up and it feels off, especially with perfectionism OCD). I also have kind of the same thing with my windows where it takes 30 minutes to close them because I need to check if a cat isn't on the windowsill with the same tablet and phone setup. I told my mom she shouldn't open the window in my room because it takes me a while to close it but she doesn't care, and today while returning home I found my windows half-opened because she returned my plant I had left on the balcony, and it's driving me crazy because how dumb can she be, she knows not to open it bit she does it anyway, and it's not like it was an urgent matter to return it and she could have placed it on my desk but nooooooooo... I'd check the windowsill now but I can't, I'm afraid my tablet makes ultrasound or EM waves that will distract my cats in the kitchen and that they will brush against the freezer door which could cause it to open and trap a cat inside, and it would be my fault because I would have made some noise with my tablet... I feel like I'm losing no matter what...

Would love to hear from someone what managing OCD was like before taking medication vs after! I'm considering restarting a medication but dragging my feet. I think being reminded of their usefully would help! 😊

I feel like my ocd about my looks is sort of fueling my ocd over race and beauty. I have this one friend who isn't into Asians or Indians and that's his preference and is fine. Me and this other former friend (ugh he's so annoying wouldn't stop hitting on me and anything else he saw) Anyways I'm bisexual and we were talking about our preferences in dating. I said I have a thing for dark skin and I liked Indian women and black women. He listed specific European countries, and some middle Eastern countries. He was super specific about the certain regions and countries so I think he knows Europe well or something. He wasn't talking about white people as a race just specific countries and he's mentioned that race has nothing to do with attractivness, skin tone has nothing to do with attractivness . But my brain is automatically going to "everyone thinks white women are more beautiful and you're not gonna be anyone's type". Is this a reach? Even the friend who said that said I was objectively quite good looking, and said he'd date every race. Odds are he was talking about style and aesthetics rather than festures. Idk how to get over that weird racial insecurity I have. What helps is my Indian friends are gorgeous so if someone doesn't like them that's their problem

My most obsessed thought is am I going to be like this for the rest of my life. I have no desire to do anything nothing is fun I'm serving a life sentence in my head. I've lost every friend I've ever had because fun doesn't exist in ky life its what if we get in trouble what if someone gets hurt how will that person feel will the think I'm a bad person and 200 more what ifs and by what if number 6 you've lost someone else u cherished. I've had countless relationships with some of the most amazing girls and every one of them always say I did not know it was this bad and they disappear. If theres some kinda help out there or any way I can help someone else that is living anything close to my life sign me up. I often feel like there's only one way out and that there is no help for me but I keep faith and hope that there is. Stay strong there's gotta be a cure for this. Thanks

What should you do when OCD stops you from doing the things that you love the most, for instance, before OCD happened I used to be a huge fitness enthousiaste, going to the gym 4 times a week and now I can barely find the energy to do so, it's not the same how I was prior to OCD and I'm so scared that OCD would rob me of my life

so a few months ago i heard about “the lamp” story on reddit. it’s sent me into overdrive since and i’ve been struggling extremely bad since i heard about it. earlier today i was showing my friends my tattoo, i was telling them what it said off memory but they corrected me and said “no it’s says “until being strong is the only choice you have” and i can and have only remembered it said “strength is the only choice you have”. (that is not the full tattoo that is just the part that was mixed up). it instantly brought me back to the lamp story … in the story he saw a lamp was looking “odd” or “warping” and it caused him to wake up from a coma. in his dream he had a family and a whole life and a job and all and came to find out none of it was real. since then i have been struggling with nothing being real and convincing myself i am also in a situation similar. my brain instantly brought me into hyperdrive and has told me the tattoo is my “lamp” and it is going cause me to wake up from a coma because it’s not what i remember it being. please tell me someone understands. i am really not okay and in all honesty i feel like im going insane.

intrusive thoughts have gotten kinda bad again after a few months of control. i think i might spiral over something again, how do i prevent it? i can’t go through this again i won’t make it😭

Hiii :) I feel like I come on here and type stuff out all the time , but this one is about my Rocd. I have had a difficult time in my relationship more than once with Rocd and this time my brain is saying “maybe this keeps happening because he truly isn’t the one”. When I have said multiple times to my mom and family that he’s the one I’m going to marry. My first ocd attack in this relationship was back in may/June of 2023. Our one year anniversary was on February 25th :), everything was fine , my mindset was fine , our relationship was healthy. I have been going to therapy so my self esteem and confidence has gotten a lot better and apparently that changed my behavior in my relationship, to a point where now my boyfriend is overthinking and feeling afraid that I will find someone better than him because I now think highly of myself. Which I do not judge him for it, I was once in his position. My therapist said something about how it’s either I’m losing interest in him or I feel secure with him and that’s why I’m acting differently. Which I think was my first trigger , then my friends called me up soon after my therapy appointment and said “forget the boyfriend and come move back home we miss you” because I moved to Florida to be closer to my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend more than anything and even typing this out now my brain is like “do you? “. “But you feel nothing”. I feel like there is a wall between me and reality right now and every time I am with my boyfriend I try so hard to feel something that I feel nothing, I have gone numb. I don’t have a sex drive , I don’t feel butterflies, I question if I’m attracted to him, every time I look at him I try really hard to feel infatuated with him and I feel nothing. This numbness came out of nowhere and it’s making me so frustrated and depressed and I do not know what to do. I struggled with Rocd in my past relationships but the guys I were with couldn’t handle it so we ended. This is the first guy to stick around. So if I had stayed with those other guys would it have kept happening in those relationships too? Or is the guy I’m with really not the one? I feel so stressed and defeated and all I want is for things to go back to the way they were last week when it brain wasn’t being like this :/ Of course I love my partner , so why do I feel so numb with him and why am I not having panic attacks like I used to whenever Rocd hit. Am I not panicking because I truly don’t care? The stress is so depressing.

I’ve decided to take a bunch of OCD quizzes to see how bad my scores are. It’s kinda fun

Hi guys :) I am 21 now, but at 14 I read an article about a woman discovering she wanted to become a man and not realizing it until later in life, which prompted the worst OCD I have ever had. I was paralyzed with anxiety and depression over the potential of becoming a man. I am a woman, I love being a woman, and I identify with being a woman through and through. I thought experiencing trans OCD was behind me, and recently (I just switched from Prozac to Lexapro; I have been on Prozac since I was 16, so maybe that’s a trigger?) it came back. I desperately want it to go away. I feel helpless. I just want someone to tell me it isn’t real, but I know that’s reassurance

i had a thought last night that was like “what if my parents aren’t my parents” that was all it was i’m not sure in what way, but i know it’s not like what if im adopted kinda way like existential it was more in a paranoia way? anyway ive been dealing with a psychosis/schizophrenia theme lately and i think this stemmed from that but idk and earlier i was just like questioning if this thought is a delusion/paranoia. but now i feel like im actually questioning the thought ? and im freaked out now but idk if im freaked about the thought itself (like are my parents real) or about the fear that it could be paranoia/delusion. someone please help me out here

Why tho i get sexual images of my family members with my friends and random people , with ocd is this and why and how i recover

So every-time I get intrusive thoughts It triggers automatic anxiety and then I feel so anxious. How do you guys just “sit with the feelings” the thoughts bring when it feels so uncomfortable and like something bad is about to happen?

I was doing really well until yesterday, where the goalpost was moved and my grounding and mindfulness exercises werent working. I eventually lapsed in a panic attack in the middle of the night. Today i just feel like im wasting away, my body is weak, i feel sick, I cant summon any motivation. I havent really given in to my thoughts, but i really dont have the energy to care rn.

Anyone have trouble with leaving the home (aka your safe space)? I’m so worried that I’ll have heart palpitations in public, which might trigger me to panic, and then all the catastrophic what if situations might happen. It’s been tough feeling like I can be normal and live life lately.

I can’t be helped, from making mistakes to what I’ve think I’ve done, I don’t even care what happens to me anymore I guess my brain and memories are the truth so I should be locked up for a while with rape as I think I done it intoxicated

Ok so a couple of days ago I went to the mall after school and while on my way a little girl walked on the sidewalk on the other side of the road. I immediately started to kind of panic. At some point I didn’t see her anymore bc she walked into the opposite direction. I also had people behind me and some people in front of me. And I KNOW I walked only on my sidewalk bc I obviously didn’t want to do anything and I remember that I didn’t do anything. But now I’m doubting that. Even tho I know I didn’t even cross the road. And people were behind me.

Hey all! My therapist recently recommended that I ask my psych about Prozac for my OCD. I was wondering what are some common medications you guys have been on? I know it’s always a mixed bag but I just wanted some perspective. Thank you!