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Feeling like I’m curious what it would be like to harm like I’ve been fighting the thoughts for so long that I wonder what it would feel like or be if I gave into the thoughts but harming isn’t good and I don’t want to hurt myself

i keep having dreams about cheating on my boyfriend, but i love him so much and don’t see myself with anyone else. but it’s making me anxious and i feel guilty. could there be a specific reason for this?

Eventually? Can anyone relate to this I mean it in the nicest way possible because I think this community is fantastic and very helpful but I have also realised that a big part of my OCD is reassurance and craving certainty as I'm sure it is with most if not all OCD sufferers and the irony in that is whilst a lot of the questions and answers we all give can be very helpful and educational at the same time some of it could be deemed as OCD itself as in reassurance seeking and reassurance giving Therefore I ask myself this. When am I going to be content within myself that I have asked all of the questions and got all of the help and knowledge thay i feel i need to strt moving forward with my life and i no longer feel the need to ask anymore questions regarding ocd because whilst it has been helpful it came also serve to keep you stuck.

I’m going through the worst ocd flare up , I can’t stop crying and feel like I’m the worst person in the world and that no one understands how it makes me feel and how I feel so alone and that I’m a horrible person. Why do I feel like everything I’ve done makes me the worst unlovable person. Why is it when I pray I’m still so sad and nothing get fixed so I can be happy. I just want to be happy and at peace and stop having these intense overpowering thoughts. I know they say it’s best to sit with the thought until it passes instead of trying to direct my self but it just won’t go away and I’m trying hard to let it pass but something will always remind me of it and bring me right back to square one. I’m just so miserable that this is my life and thought process every single day😪

Hi friends! I feel like I am hitting a wall with my OCD and ERP. I deal with a LOT of mental compulsions. Often when I am doing ERP it can be hard to know if I am giving myself reassurance OR is it a logical thought. For example: I have this fear I will be fired for being late to work which spiral into many deeper fears. One may say well “people are late all the time or it is normal to be late” or “is it realistic to think I would be fired for being late”. How do you guys separate logical thinking and self reassurance? It’s something I really struggle with. I will start to habituate and then I think well was what I did reassurance? Mental compulsions have been so hard to identify. But yeah how do I tell if it is self reassurance or not? Any and all advice would help so much ✨🖤✨

I have had a cold for 2 weeks now. First week fever and sore throat. Then a couple of days normal temperature. This week fever again, now better almost normal, but my throat is a lot sorer than last week and I get cough attacks. But that is not the worst of my problems. I don't know if I feel exhausted from the cold or I have been hit by a giant cloud of depression. I feel energyless, exhausted. I have no will to move. My motivation to do anything is down below zero. I haven't cooked for myself in a few days at all. Whatever I put in my stomach causes acid reflux. I haven't been outside since last Friday. It's cold and I was told to stay in bed. Tomorrow I am expecting someone to come and I always clean the flat and cook sth, but now I am just laying on the couch, thinking about what I should do, and just can't make myself do it. I feel really down. Any suggestions how to make myself move?

I tried doing ERP and recorded a loop of me saying “I’m bisexual” to try and sit through the discomfort. I did a loop like this a few years ago with my former NOCD therapist and cried. This round I didn’t feel anxious and that made me anxious. I felt calm and that terrified me. I ended up engaging in compulsions, my body feels hot, and I ended up crying. It feels too real. I know that it’s a thought and thoughts are not facts and the goal of ERP is to sit with the thoughts. Maybe it wasn’t wise to start with an exposure like that without a therapist. I had one session last month and I’m just afraid to start again. I’m not sure if I connected with the new therapist and it’s scary being vulnerable with a new therapist. I am afraid what if this time it’s different? I am afraid what if there is “new evidence” and it’s not OCD. What if I’m in denial and using OCD as a coverup? What if I discover I really am bisexual? There’s nothing wrong, but it’s not what I envision for myself. What if I’ve been purposely making myself disgusted? I’ve read all the OCD fears and of course I have OCD. I have done the OCDLA HOCD quiz 30 times, and I have HOCD. It just feels so real, especially with the new thoughts that keep generating through the endless compulsions. I feel like all my compulsions, mental checking, reassurances have brought more damage than comfort. It feels like all the words I said to fight against OCD are now powerless. It’s added more confusion. The thoughts are distorted and feel real. I miss my old self, I know doing guided ERP is going to be hard. I’m going to Mexico for three weeks today and I’m dreading it. I am going because I don’t want to miss being with my parents due to OCD. I just miss my attraction to men, it’s still there. I don’t want to be with a woman sexually or romantically. I know I haven’t changed. But it feels so real. I have missed important milestones, such as Christmas, my dad’s 80th birthday to this. I’ve been homebound, I’m scared of being around people, I only watch nature shows or Anthony Bourdain when I’m not feeling as triggered. I live in the Bay Area and have been surrounded by queer people and wasn’t triggered even after doing ERP a few years ago. I was able to interact with people of all walks of life and go to bars and restaurants and concerts. I was able to live a semi-normal life, go on dates with guys, travel and stay in hostels. I just fear what if this time it’s different. It’s so hard to let go and live with uncertainty. I hate how OCD tries to use my past against me and distort it. I need to stop doing compulsions, they have brought me to such a deep pit of confusion I feel so far off. I fear that if I let go of the thoughts, it means it’s true. But that’s the point of OCD recovery. I feel like being in fear and anxiety has kept me safe, and living with the uncertainty that maybe, maybe not is real scares me.

NOCD doesn’t accept Medicaid in NC.. I feel helpless. I have nothing, no job.. no money that can afford this therapy and I really made myself vulnerable to the sweetest woman just listening to me cry about my OCD and how it effects my life.. Just to be told that I’m not able to be helped. This is probably why my parents pretended I didn’t have mental issues, we just couldn’t afford it. ..I can’t afford anything. Even my life.

I recently started ERP therapy with a new therapist where we pretty much exclusively focus on OCD, but I have found myself missing talk therapy a lot as well. Talk therapy never really helped with my ocd symptoms but It really helped to talk through issues such as coping/management of my adhd, gad, as well as talking through things I’ve been going through in life. Does anyone else relate to this?

I could use some advice or encouragement. I made it 33 days without a genuinely bad ocd day. Every day was hard and almost a constant battle, but I was winning those battles and refraining from going into my ocd stories for the most part. Then yesterday, after a great morning, I got triggered and decided I needed to engage an ocd story I have about the possibility that I harmed someone through negligence two years ago. I had dealt with this fear before and decided it was ocd, but it tricked me into considering it yesterday, and I spent about seven hours off and on going over the same details, trying to reassure myself I was okay. When my wife came home and I told her how bad I had done she just gave me a blank expression. I think after sixteen years of dealing with my ocd, she’s out of sympathy. But she was disappointed, I could tell. So was I. I feel so ashamed of having given in to rumination. But I still feel anxious that I need to “figure it out.” I’m just so tired of this disorder. I want to be well. I want to be my old funny self. I want to talk to people and laugh. I’m scared I’ll never get better and that I’ve ruined my kids’ lives by neglecting them to obsess. I feel so tired, alone, depressed, and hopeless.

Hi all, I’m really having a hard time with my OCD. I start ERP therapy on Friday, I had an intake session last week. I had a horrible OCD episode that knocked me off my feet last April and made my life so small. I lost my Nana, who was dying a slow death from cancer and I obsessed over this and criticized myself so much and started having existential obsessions. I worried if I loved her too much or not enough and it made me sick. I’m an artist, I stopped making art because I was having doubts and intrusive thoughts that I’m a bad person and I’m not truly an artist. I stopped doing freelance, which was my entire income. Then I got my dream job at a museum, then I started having doubts about deserving a good life and “living a lie”. Then I started obsessing over my sexuality and my relationship. Terrified that I can never get married or have kids because of my OCD. I was abused as a child and have a lot of shame about myself and also fear of trusting people. As a kid I dealt with horrible intrusive thoughts, as well as obsessions about my health that took so much of my childhood from me. The thing that scares the living crap out of me is many of these recovery stories where people had to “let go” of their entire lives and entire selves in order to get better. I feel like I’ve worked really hard to give myself a chance at life and I’m following my dreams, but I feel like OCD derailed those plans. So in order to get better, do I have to give those dreams up for good? I’m so scared. Would love to hear from someone who is in recovery or anyone who has similar fears.

My dumb ass has been reasurance seeking so much, researching, Reddit, quizes, gay Vs denial, bisexual Vs denial, and checking aesthetically good looking men and now nothing reassures me for long periods of time. It's ruining my relationship I'm losing attraction I have porn addiction too not compulsively checking but I do check alot of the time and it's also escalating onto things I wouldn't do in real life. My life feels ruined by this relapse because life was finally good I finally got a beautiful amazing girlfriend, went gym, got new clothing, haircut and was overall happy but just finding men handsome, liking their voice etc causes me alot of anxiety because it's not every so often it's a very common thing now and it makes me so upset not because being bi or gay is wrong but because I don't want sex with men it doesn't make me happy or excite me I wouldn't even do it for money. Women make me feel so good inside, excited, butterflies I just want to be married and spend my life with a beautiful women but with this shit I doubt everything I can't even have same sex friends out of fear that it'll be more than platonic. I wouldn't care if I was 10% bisexual and 90% straight because id always be straight over everything I love women even though they make me nervous my response has always been positive. I really REALLY need help I can't live like this I'm not suicidal or anything but I'm extremely depressed it's causing my girlfriend to become distant we don't do nothing sexually even though before this relapse I was craving it all the time cuz of how much I love her. How do I stop this anxiety and doubt? Why is there even anxiety around this? I'm confident enough to say I find men handsome but that's all it is? So why can't I figure this out? No matter how much research the next day I just find myself repeating it trying to solve the big question if I'm gay or not. Even though logically I'm attracted to women exclusively I may have done things growing up as curiosity but crushes have always been women, sexual fantasies always women, women have always made me excited I loved it even growing up I was obsessed with wanting a girlfriend not because of society but because that's what I wanted? A romantic and sexual relationship with a woman. If the cure is to sit with this discomfort why do I have the discomfort in the first place? Because I can find men handsome? But that doesn't make me attracted to them sexually I've never looked at a man and thought "I'd love to have him all to myself and fuck him" I've only said that about women? Groinal responses as well they're a pain in the ass especially when I check porn it's a massive anxiety trap and makes me question shit even though it may cause a physical response I don't like it mentally I want it gone I want this all gone without any doubt. If anyone spent their time reading this thank you. I feel so alone at the moment and isolated with confusion with no one to talk to

We shouldnt expect the thoughts to instantly go away when we are ignoring them, this will make ocd worse, but i still sometimes question is this ocd or not when after ignoring a while, some thoughts still come with that strong feeling. For me now, i dont know what can be the main problem, im struggling with that but im trying to find out, since a week im on this reactive state where i feel like i had enough that people blame me, and i feel like everyone is against me and im sensitive to any critisicism. When im in this state i have so strong thoughts about me hating others, criticizing, having random negative thoughgs about others and i started being afraid that i think that im better then everyone(this is my ocd about being egoistic). So i do ignore these thoughts but still the next day or one day in the same week with the same reaction and feelings these hateful thoughts come back, and its not like the usual ocd thoughts like i want to harm someone or something, if i have that now i dont give attention to it cause idk its jjst automatic now that i see those as ocd and not important but when i have these judging thoughts i do not like them. I start to have thoughts about others, like i criticize others, im being negative and hateful in my mind but at the same time i dont like it. Then i start to be afraid that this is me, this is how my week will be, i have to work on myself again, or im being depressed, so ocd judges these. However when i do ignore as i said and it still comes back with the same reaction then i say to myself that maybe theres something deep in me that i need tk woek with, its not ocd its actually a real emotional problem, and i dont like to say that cause the i start to spin aboit whats the problem... then these thoughts turn against me and i think that maybe im not good enough to do what i wanted,maybe its not for me, there are many judging thoughts about myself and its tireing mentally and im afraid its not ocd but actually im having a real problem that i have to deal with...

I have them constantly. About my loved ones leaving me forever.. and it will hit me when I least expect it, and it’s like a an emotional truck just hit me! I have tried everything my therapist has suggested and these thoughts keep coming. Does anyone have any suggestions on what they do? I have methods when they occur.. but I want methods to keep them away. Thanks.

Hi there! Thank you if you’re taking the time to read this, I’m very appreciative. However, I'm in a circumstance where I'm unsure of the best course of action. I met this guy on a dating app in October and we've been corresponding ever since. I truly, really liked him. For three months, he was the only person Ive been pursuing, and in the first month, he asked what I was looking for? I informed him that I truly liked him, and wanted to him! (even though at first I thought it would just be a cute casual thing) That were initially my intentions when downloading the dating app. The feeling was mutual and we were both greatly into each other. I had already opened up to him about my mental health struggles, and mentioned how I was sent to a hospital because of intrusive thoughts. After three months, I started to feel that we might not be as compatible as I had initially assumed, and I started to lose interest in him, but I never said anything. I was just going to gradually pull away, but I sensed that he was going to ask me to go official with him shortly. So I know for certain that he felt taken aback when I told him that he would end up hating me and how we should stop seeing each other seemingly out of the blue. I handled it harshly because I freaked out. I eventually apologized, after he un-added me on every platform. He said he respected what I thought was best for me, but that I had really hurt him and brought back a lot of his anxiety’s. While he was fighting to stay in contact with me he mentioned that he really cared about me, and how he didn’t wanna lose me. I just feel terrible about my decision and the way I handled it. I also start to wonder if I should reach out and have an in person conversation, because these past 2 days I’ve been sick to my stomach. I know Im confusing, and am curious if I should reach out to him again? But the main reason I left was because I didn’t want to deal with any potential future guilt and rumination and anxiety with the fear of feeling like an evil person and leading someone on. Thanks for reading this far. <3

I had an ultrasound to keep an eye on my gallbladder polyp. Polyp is still the same but they found a 3cm mass on pancreas. Of course I went down the rabbit hole and I've been crying all day. Dr hasn't called me back yet. I saw results on my patient portal and freaked out. I'm only 33 years old. I don't smoke/drink and I don't have a family history of PC. I have two sons and I'm terrified. Idk what to do but I'm so scared. I just wish the Dr would get back to me. The patient portal said schedule MRI follow up. My health anxiety/OCD is going crazy.

I haven’t had my first session with my therapist yet, but after reading up on ERP and everything I can about OCD I started trying to expose myself to my triggers and do the tips I read on how to handle it. I thought I was getting slightly better these last few days but today I kicked it up a notch and now, hours later, feel terrible and feel like I’m back in square one and have made no progress. My POCD thoughts are horrible again and I’m scared ERP isn’t gonna work on me because of it. I want to get better now but I also don’t know if trying to ERP myself is a good idea when I haven’t met with my OCD specialist yet, can that make it worse? Am I not doing it right? What should I do?

I have spent about 6 hours today trying to figure out the answers to a couple questions. And I feel like I will lose my salvation if I don’t get the answers right. At this point, I am just going in circles in my mind.

I feel alone. I don’t know. I just feel alone. Why does everything feel off vibes right now? I just feel icky and I feel I’ve hurt people in some way. What can I do to stop feeling this way

I live in a college dorm where there is a communal shower but I live in a room with my own private bathroom. I am very thankful but now I have this irrational fear that if I shower at the same time as someone else using the communal bathroom that somehow germs will get in my water and get on me. I don’t know what to do. I’m actually scared to get in the shower now. What do I do?