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the NOCD Community

Because is controlling my life

Whenever I read about erp and recovery I find something like "it's not a full recovery, thoughts will still be there" and it triggers a massive anxiety attack in me and a feeling of hopelessnes. What does it REALLY mean to recover? I think I don't know anything at this point

I think i have all themes of ocd. I just overthink literraly about each and everything in my life. I am now scared of relationships in my life. I will be getting 30 next month and i am not even married. All people of my age will be in relationships and might be married. I feel like i will either die single or if i get married it won't be a good person and i won't be happy. I think negative about both cases. What age is too late for marriage? I feel too old now. I feel like my youth has already passed and i don't have any energy left. I am just so stressed and have anxiety about it😭😭

I was watching a video about mental health and self hatred was mentioned and as i was listening it, i started feel anxious and then i was like "i hate myself its so bad" and i started to feel depressed. This happened in the past alot of times and with different topics too, but now i was more aware and i could notice, this isnt true. If i would go to therapy and i would tell that i feel depressed cause i hate myself, we would work on loving myself, but now i was aware that its not that the problem. I felt really sad, cause i believed the thought that i hate myself, when i dont, i just struggle a bit now and i cant feel that big loving feeling towards myself as in normal days, and i interpreted that as i hate myself, so i started feeling sad about it. Is this part of ocd? Alot of times it happened that i had a really strong thought like this, i had like "youre depressed, youre a narcisisst, youre suicidal or i was suicidal in the past" and i believed these thoughts, expecially when the feeling of sadness came with them, it was hard to not believe them.

Is it worth being here if I’m so unhappy and struggling with my self and everything in my life? When I’m this hateful scum? I just feel awful and wish I didn’t have to put up with this, or myself. I’m sorry

Hi! Does it happen to you that your anxiety starts increasing but you don't know why (ex. there was not a particular trigger)? I feel like this during these days. What do you do when this happens?

Hello, Ive struggled with OCD throughout my life. The themes have changed as I gotten older but it ranges from being certain I was HIV positive to that I would have comitted terrible crimes. But I finally thought I kicked it when I went on medication and had a really great year with little to no Intrusive thoughts. But now the thoughts are back in full force because I’ve met the most wonderful woman and I’ve never felt like this for another person in my life. I’ve started to think I’ve cheated on her early in our relationship. When we first started to see each other I still talked to other people because we met on a dating site and i’m very afraid of rejection so I dated multiple people until our 5th date when I realized she is the one I want to persue. We didn’t become a couple until 3 months later because she wanted to take it slow. I’ve told her all of this that I still talked to another girl until our 5th date but after that I fell in love. I confessed to this multiple times and felt awful for weeks. Now I’ve let it go and started to Imagine that I talked to the other girl longer and that i’ve forgotten. I ruminate constantly, read old messages that confirm my story but I still can’t stop obsessing that what if I talked to another girl later. If that would be the case I could never forgive myself. I’ve beaten myself up for it for months now and it’s starting to ruin my health and relationship. I really need some advice. Please help, I don’t know what to do😓

I have such bad ocd over my looks and my friends aren't helping. A lot of my friends are dudes and they tend to he really crass. Yk the engineering types right? I have this one friend who's like well super honest and he's not a bad person he's my fashion friend no shade against him. I often ask him for advice for fashion and he told me I looked a lot hotter without my glasses, that I go from a 7.5 to a 10/10. Me and my ex were joking around and we are still friends and i was like "you're a 7 youfe cute why are you still single?" Amd he was like "you're an 8 and you are too!". We were just joking around and my ocd fixated on it. My other friend once we were talkijgbaboit looks and dating and he was like "you're not average but you're not a model" which is true. This other time (now this was actually kind of weird) I have this one male friend that is objectively unattractive and was into me, and i had a massive crush on a guy who's super hot and we were talking about him and he was like "well he has low self esteem so will probably say yes" which kind of hurt my feelings. We were also just talking about men and women and dating and he was like , if you make the first move unless he's smoking hot he will say yes. So either he meant he's not going to try to look for other options first so will immediately say yes, or you're mid. The same dude also told me that I was pretty so idk. My ocd is making me fixate on my looks. My depression is terrible so being pretty feels like the only way I can have value. I don't see how I'm worth anything if I'm not pretty. Like there's nothing else about me that's worth anything

Let out some tears tonight, man. I was over at my parents and my niece came home. She was sitting across from me and my ocd kept drilling into my head that you need to look to see if you see anything. It's always been that way but as if recent I've done a great job at resisting. But this time it's like the ocd said "stop putting up so much of an effort to not look. It'd be less stressful if you gave into the compulsion!" Obviously that's a lie because we all know when we give into compulsions, they make us feel worse. It's hard to not feel "why me? Why do I have to deal with this? Why do I feel compelled to look?". It's defeating because I've done well with resisting compulsions like that and it's like out of all types of compulsions in ocd why does it have to be this? What's crazy is after the compulsion, I was still at my parents and talked to my niece about coming over next week while she's on break and watching Christmas movies with her and my brother, then she came up to me as I was leaving and we gave each other a hug. I mean that should be great news right?? But the OCD is shutting that down and I'm allowing it because it's like the ocd is shaming me and I'm just taking it because I feel ashamed. It's hard not to fall into that mindset of "you haven't been triggered by this in a while, so you should be good". One thing I have to work on is having Self compassion with being triggered and feeling bothered. It's just difficult. Because with POCD, it can be easy to feel so ashamed and not worthy of self compassion. I know God will repair me. I have faith that he will continue to uphold me with his righteous right hand. I pray that he helps me to remain hopeful. OCD can knock me down as many times as it wants but what I want is to never stay down. To never change my course in fear of the OCD. I will not let this ruin the plans I made to watch Christmas movies with my niece and brother next weeks. Because I've wanted to watch Christmas movies with someone as I haven't watched any this year since I didn't have anyone to watch them with. The holidays can be a rough time for those who deal with all sorts of mental health issues. But let's try our hardest to enjoy them. To smile. ❤️💚

I have been struggling with religious OCD for about five months now, I have an official diagnosis now. Which makes sense as I look back on times in my past, I would have intrusive thoughts about God. The more I researched this topic, the more I sent myself into a downward spiral, and I was having blasphemous thoughts about the Holy Spirit, which is unforgivable, which makes me feel like I am hopeless and I’m terrified and this is ruined my life for like five months. Has anyone experienced this and is there hope for me

Hi everyone I just ran into the woman who sexually assaulted me in college. She had to wait on me at store while I was shopping for presents. I feel disgusting all over again because I was so nice to her I was trying to act like nothing ever happened I didn't even recognize anything about her at first. She was like remember me? I was being so friendly and wanted the moment to just be over, I grabbed my bag and left as soon as I could, ugh I feel so low. I felt terrible because I was being nice. I didn't know what else to do I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I handled it that way. I feel like I should have stuck up for my younger self and said yeah I remember you, you assaulted me and others around the campus! I can't stop crying.

How exactly do you stop ruminating? It’s my worst compulsion and it’s pretty much constant.

I'm tired. I have gone through a very hard month and a half in which: 1. The first few days I questioned whether my relationship was toxic just becauseI had a small conflict with my boyfriend, which we resolved immediately. 2. After this I spent several days comparing him to other people, and questioning whether or not I wanted to date someone else. I had anxiety attacks that caused me to lose weight. 3. My partner is a trans boy, so I questioned whether I would prefer to be with a cis boy. Suddenly I stopped being able to see bodies, people or faces because I immediately felt an illogical excitement in my parts, even if I didn't want to have anything with anyone who wasn't my boy. 4. Then when I got out of this loop I started to question whether my boyfriend was interested in other people sexually, and when I managed to discover that he only loved and desired me, I went back to the beginning of everything. I questioned if I wanted other people and if I preferred a penis. I'm tired. It's unbearable and sometimes it's hard for me to see if maybe it's not OCD. I'm scared that I'm not OCD and that I really prefer a guy with a penis or that I like a penis. I'm bisexual but I don't want to be with a guy who has a penis, I just want my boyfriend. Why does all this happen to me whenever our relationship is going great? Sometimes I think that my brain can't stand the idea that everything is fine, that we are happy. My brain seems to hate the idea of me being happy and looks for ways to make me extremely unhappy. Could someone give me some consolation?

Today I had a session with my therapist just checking in and giving her a bit of what I’m struggling with at the moment in terms of ocd. She told me that something I had thought was completely outlandish and abhorrent was actually very common in the general population but I still continued to doubt her and she made me do an exposure on it by reading a peer reviewed article by professional psychologists and I STILL doubt it even as I’m typing this right now. The point of this post is to show you that no amount of reassurance is enough, ocd will ALWAYS doubt the answer because it wants to see you panic. I have decided that i will live uncertain. i will let my values guide me instead of my thoughts. it's scary but worth it in the end.

My name is Becky and I am in my early 60s. I have gone through many phases of my OCD-ness including bulimia, biting my nails, compulsive activities like cleaning/tasks, and now it is picking myself. It just seems to transfer from one thing to the next. So, if you do anything weird with your OCD, "I GET IT! I do live a productive life and it does not consume me so please have hope. I am very successful and I have to say some of the brainy stuff that goes wandering through my head constantly has aided me in creating my own business and success. I just wanted to say, that OCD is not the end of you. I think most importantly helpful for me is to pour myself into things that are positive and that I love. I also turned my life around for the better when I started really being grateful for everything that I had.. SERIOUSLY I spend 1/2 hour in the morning going all over the globe in my head to be grateful for all of my family, friends, and relatives. It has changed my life (and probably another form of OCD, hahaa) BUT IT WORKS! My life changed for the good (and when I don't do this, my life falls apart!) OCD can be very lonely and actually very selfish because it can take you out of the moment therefore taking away from relationships 'being present". Life is a journey, but one day at a time and I am trying to not let this have power over me but to minimize the "creature". Do not ever think that the OCD makes you less. It can actually change you into MORE and a better person, more empathetic and a very humble human. CHEERS to the journey and let's take baby steps and bite off 1 bite of the elephant at a time.

Anyone with this theme, can we talk please?

*not reassurance seeking* i feel no attraction towards guys anymore but i identify as straight. i feel like im just more aware of attractive women. i i also dont get anxiety from my thoughts. what if its not ocd and im actually in denial? and i get that ocd is a doubting disease but sometimes i have these moments of clarity just for it to go back to hell. sometimes i see a hetero couple and my brain would be like "you want to be in a relationship too but with a woman" and im just like🧍🏾‍♀️cuz wtf or "u can never be in a relationship with a man bc ull be wondering whether or not you should be with a woman" i had one intrusive thought and immediately lost all attraction and before this i had a crush on a guy for mad long😭its like my feelings changed overnight. i also cant be around my friends who r girls bc my brain is like "u think their walk is cute so u must be gay and in denial" or "they did something cute/adorable so ur gay" this theme is also worse bc im a Christian. does anyone else relate with me? i just want to know that im not alone with these.

This morning I had the realisation I might have fallen asleep on a random stray kitten that snuck into my house, obviously I can’t find it anywhere in my house nor can I find any bodies of a dead hurt kitten anywhere home neither did my family, but each of these scenarios can be explained by either the kitten leaving my house in agony and dying outside or my family just lying about finding one as to not hurt my feeling. How does one go aout such unverifiable thoughts, how can I know I didn’t fell asleep on a kitten when I can’t really feel it on a soft bed when under me? Or that it might have jumped on my bed last second when I’m laying on it after I checked there was nothing on it? I know it’s unlikely but I can’t keep living like that... I spend several hours not sleeping yesterday night vecause I kept checking under me while in bed never being satisfied and sure I haven’t falle asleep on a cat and just forced myself to fall asleep regardless but I feel guilty now...

Do you guys have one joint account, separate accounts, or a joint and a separate? Before I got married my husband and I said we’ll do separate, but then later he made comments about us being one, so we agreed to separate accounts and one joint savings. Now he said he’s spending too much money on us and we should have everything all together and I can keep like a thousand on my own account… we almost got divorced last year and I have a good amount of savings etc. and I am a little hesitant. It would probably make things easier since he always pays me back for all of the groceries I buy for him etc. Thoughts?

I have an awful confession/reassurance compulsion and I do it to my boyfriend all the time and it’s always upsetting thoughts for him and he says it’s ok and he’s fine but I’m afraid he’s gonna realize I’m a bad person or get tired of it and leave me