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Has anyone successfully recovered from deep HOCD?

is ocd linked to a lack of trust in the self? since we doubt everything so much. and is recovery about finding that trust, or about accepting a lack of it?

I've struggled with ROCD for the best part of 10 years, but I didn't know what it even was until maybe 3 years ago. I've yet to have the opportunity to work with an ERP specialist, but I go to talk therapy already and I've done lots of research into the topic. What upsets me is that despite all the work I'm doing and all the knowledge I have now, ROCD can still floor me completely. My boyfriend and I don't live together, and for the last week he was pretty unavailable to talk because he was preparing for (and going on) a sailing trip. The whole time I felt like I was missing a limb and I felt really pathetic about how much it was affecting me to not be able to talk to him. I'm pretty sure I have separation anxiety from my childhood so it would make sense, but it still makes me feel really pathetic and dependent towards him when I get this way. Anyway yesterday we were going to spend the day together finally and we were both really looking forward to it because we'd missed each other so much. But as soon as I got to his place I felt my brain overanalysing everything. He was being really affectionate and something just felt off or I was feeling bad for not feeling quite as affectionate as him. The whole day I just didn't feel like I could settle and it make me feel guilty and kind of ridiculous to not just be enjoying our time after looking forward to it for so long. He fell asleep before me and I was just battling so much anxiety in my head and I really didn't sleep well because of it. This morning he was in a really good mood talking about what a nice day it was yesterday and while I know there were many nice moments I just can't shake the guilt of the mental battle I was going through the whole time I was there. It really added fuel to the ROCD intrusive doubt of "should you really be feeling so miserable around the person you supposedly love the most?" Just so tired of fighting this fight.

Please, please, please help me name this if you can. Also, no trigger warning because it is not very graphic, however, I do detail compulsions in this post. This is an obsession and source of compulsions I have struggled with all of my life, and undoubtedly the strongest one. A brief explanation: I experience obsessions, compulsions, paranoid feelings and severe anxiety over the idea of some unknown being, in my home, being a threat to myself. Triggers: Doors, corners, the dark, being alone, depictions of eyes, noises. Intrusive thoughts: Scary figure, threats of violent physical harm to myself (not caused by myself), helplessness. specifically, it occurs with the concept of the space behind things I can’t see through; things like corners, shower curtains, and doors. I always feel as though I am being watched in my own home, even though I don’t believe I am; I always feel as though I am about to be attacked, and sometimes I fixate on different ways I might be attacked. Basically, I never feel safe because this is always in my mind and manifests in different ways. For example: If I have to open a door, at any time, in my own home, I will suddenly have the powerful intrusive thought of some ambiguous threatening figure, which feels like a character from a horror movie. I imagine it waiting for me on the other side and then I have to build up my own courage to open doors, go through thought processes, look around corners, check if I’ve locked the front and back door, and shower with the curtain open (and door locked), and sometimes I can’t even bring myself to overcome it. I am terrified of home intrusion, is that part of it? It also occurs alongside my symmetry obsession. I have to put blankets over any empty spaces like the space under the door and completely close my window curtains (even then, I don’t feel safe.) Also, if I have decorations in my home with eyes, I have to cover them all with sticky notes. I never feel safe in my own home. I never experience this in public. Fixating on being attacked in my own home by something always occurs alongside the compulsions. Ex: I might be alone and get the intrusive thought of someone stabbing me, and then, I can’t get it out of my mind. My anxiety immediately spikes, and if I hear any small noises at all, it could send me into a panic attack. Sometimes a noise is what triggers it too; if i hear any noise in my own home that I didn’t cause, I immediately feel like I am about to die. I always have to have my back to a wall in my home in some way, and even then, I just FEEL like something scary is in the space around me. It is pretty debilitating and I usually call my boyfriend so that I don’t feel alone at home, but I can’t always depend on him. Does any of this sound familiar at all? It would be a huge help to me if anyone could relate to this or even just help me categorize it.

Okay, so I’m freaking out because I don’t know if I’m spiraling or ruminating or if I actually am not in love. I was in a relationship for seven years. We were together from 18-24. I broke up with him because we grew apart, we had very different life goals, we had different beliefs, and we had different views. The breakup was so intense, so traumatic, and so devastating. We had a dog together and had lived together for five years. I ended up having to block him on everything because he was being abusive (emotionally and on rare occasion physically). He ended up taking our dog, and I haven’t seen either of them in about eight months. The relationship was traumatic and so difficult on my mental health. I became depressed and struggled through insane anxiety. I’ve always had general anxiety disorder, but it became worse towards the end. Current day, I’ve been in a relationship with the sweetest man in the whole world for the last six months. I love him dearly, and I can see myself marrying him one day. However, my ROCD has been so difficult. It’s been so intense some weeks, then for a couple weeks it’s totally fine? However, the last couple days I’ve been so stressed because I feel like I don’t love my partner. I feel that I love him, but I’m not in love with him. Sometimes I feel things that I felt in my last relationship that I feel with my current partner, and it’s a huge trigger. I don’t know if it’s because I am not in love with him, or if it’s because my anxiety is in flight mode. I don’t know what to do. I feel sick to my stomach. It’s in my dreams, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want to end things because he’s literally perfect, and I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be able to just feel in love with him. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. Is this just the norm? Is it normal to feel like you love someone but you’re not in love with them? I have no idea. I’m so scared. Someone please help me. :(

I’ve struggled with medical OCD for most of my life without realizing it. I feel like as a kid I always heard stories where people listened to their gut instigating and it was correct and they saved themselves. I remember overhearing my mom talking about a boy who had hit his head at a soccer game and told his parents “I need to go to the hospital something is wrong” and it turns out he was bleeding in his brain and needed immediate surgery. My mom said “it just goes to show you need to listen to your body”. I am constantly listening or watching, particularly when I’m under stress. Of course all of the extraneous symptoms are almost always the result of my anxiety (finger tingling, chest pain you name it anxiety is probably the cause). I’ve trained myself to take this line of rationalization when such symptoms appear. It terrifies me because how will I know something is really wrong when I can’t trust my own brain. I feel like I’m fighting a battle against myself all the time. I just want to know that I’ll be able to take care of myself but I can’t know that for sure.

Super exhausted. Totally have developed an obsession/attachment to my coworker. I have a long term boyfriend so this is a frustrating theme to handle lol

I’ve come to the conclusion my current therapist is defiantly a good one just not for me. It said on her site she knows how to treat ocd and lots of other things… but i don’t think she understands erp and she kinda reassured me a lot which ik is bad for ocd (i’m not even trying to get the reassurance ethier. ) She doesn’t rlly do behavioural things with me, it feels more like talk therapy and i’m sure that’s great for some people and i don’t want to talk bad about her but i feel like i’m wasting my parents money with her because she’s not rlly making things better for me and i don’t feel a great connection ethier. Then i go and think about how a NOCD therapist would be great, however it’s quite expensive and also i feel like it’s more of a “fix you up and send you off” therapy where they treat you but then u don’t get to see them again. What i want, is a therapist who’s experienced with ocd and does specialised treatment but can also help me with other issues i suffer with. How do i find someone like this, like what sites list them? I want them to rlly understand the treatment but i’m not sure what this type of therapist is called.

Hi! I've been in a pretty rough ocd anxiety spell the last 2 months. I've just come to realize that googling is my complusion. I will spend hours not even realizing it googling my new medication I'm on searching for reassurance from others that my meds are going to work. Literally read everything possible. Does anyone else have this complusion? I start therapy Apr 8.

Howie Mandel knows a thing or two about what’s funny. But he also knows what isn’t funny: OCD. "Nothing has made me feel more isolated than having OCD," Howie shared. By joining NOCD in a brand new series of PSAs for the #KnowOCD campaign, Howie hopes to combat the stigma and misunderstanding that keeps others from sharing their experiences, and help everyone who is suffering in silence from OCD feel less isolated. Howie is standing up and sharing his journey with OCD, hoping to empower anyone going through similar struggles to do the same. How has living with OCD made you feel? Check out Howie’s recent post and share your own story in the comments.

Hi. my name is Ally, im 18 and im in my last year of high school. i've always been in and out of therapy, but I've never been able to get to the route of the problems i have. I constantly fear talking about things like this, but here i go. -horrible thoughts of things such as rape, pedophilia, beastiality and incest popping into my head randomly (NOT URGES !!!!) and coming up in my dreams. -expecting the worst outcomes -believing that my actions control what will happen next in my life (if i dont do this specific thing, i will die or someone in my family will die) -intrusive thoughts and dreams that feel so real i believe it actually happened. i dont mean to intrude, this is a very safe space for people who suffer with OCD. i just feel i have no where else to turn. does this sound like ocd? something else? please if you can, i cant live thinking and feeling this way anymore, please help me.

I can’t remember what triggered this theme this time, but it’s been almost a week and I’m in hell. I just cannot accept the person I was as a teenager and the things I’ve done. It feels like I don’t even know who that person is anymore but I know that it’s myself and it’s so hard to accept I’ve done such heinous things. I want to kill myself but I don’t want to die… I want to go back in time and change these things but the very fact that I can’t leaves me with no other choice except suicide. I simply cannot understand how people move past their mistakes. I feel so unstable rn I can’t stop crying, I can’t eat, sleep… haven’t left my bed except for work. I’m struggling so bad rn but my OCD tells me I deserve it. Maybe I do, I don’t know anymore my whole life is tainted and so are those for whom I’ve hurt.

when you’re recovered, does it mean you’re never responsive to your brain’s alarm bells any more? what if there’s an actual cause for concern and you write it off as ocd and don’t do the necessary actions? i see that i’m asking very ocd-like questions here. but i’m just genuinely curious. like where’s the line between normal people who respond appropriately to fear and anxieties, and people with ocd who over-respond? and then, when people with ocd recover, do they become similar to normal people… or do they just never respond again to dangers?

I didn’t even know existential OCD was a subtype of OCD. I’ve struggled with OCD, depression, and anxiety for a large portion of my life, I also struggled with pandas all throughout middle school. However, recently I feel like I’ve been in the darkest whole I’ve ever been in. One day, I thought about the meaning of life, and since then, that’s all I can think about. This has occurred for months. I constantly think about why I’m here, and why I should care to be here. Why should I care to be happy? What’s the point of it all. That’s all I think about with everything I do. Whenever I get the smallest amount of joy, those intrusive thoughts come back in ask, “why are you even happy? Why should you care to be happy?” Why why why. It’s exhausting, and it’s taken away all of my energy and motivation. I’m pushing through because deep down, I know this isn’t myself and I want to get better. I want to live my life without thinking these things, and I want to be able to enjoy it. But at the moment, I just don’t even care about anything. It’s terrifying, and I wish I had a normal brain, or I wish I could just shut off my thoughts sometimes. If anyone has advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

My biggest theme is existential and at times it latches on to “what if evil is controlling us”.. I was telling my therapist how OCD makes you doubt everything then she proceeded to say yes it does and that she had a therapist who once said that OCD is the devil… you can tell she tried to redirect it!! She than followed with “but I know and study shows it’s the brain”. I felt sooooo triggered and now I am crying cause like why would you say that.. now I am back thinking what if OCD is the devils work. 😭

My ocd has gotten so bad and now I’m obsessing over something that happened years ago. I’m 22 now and the thing I’m worrying about happened when I was in high school. I’m so deeply ashamed and embarrassed and I feel like I’ve ruined my relationship with my mom because of it. Also sorry for the tmi. In high school I used my electric toothbrush as a vibrator, and I kept it in the bathroom to not arise suspicion. I think I used a different toothbrush to actually brush my teeth lol. Then one day maybe for Christmas I’m not sure i forget my mom bought me and my sister new electric toothbrushes. She said she could just use my old one. I freaked out and didn’t know how to get out of it like I didn’t know what to do so I just let her take it. I went through a long period where I obsessed so much over how disgusting that was and how could I let her use that. I think that was probably that start of my real event and contamination ocd, I remember worrying nonstop about it and feeling immense guilt. I obviously know intention wise I just didn’t know what to do and how to get out of that situation, there was no bad intent I just didn’t know what to do. I wish I had just told her like no I want to keep my old toothbrush or something like that. But I know what’s done is done. I felt a lot of shame but eventually moved on from it. I recently went through a breakup with my ex of 4 years and since then all my ocd themes have been absolutely horrible, and I’m freaking out about it. I feel like I’m lying to my mom and that I am the worst person for what I did and it’s really distressing because I really value my relationship with my mom and it feels like I’m disgusting and I worry about like would she hate me if she knew? If I think logically I know that although it would be an uncomfortable conversation I don’t really think that’s something she would hate me for. She’s an understanding person and I think yeah of course she would think it’s gross but I don’t think she’d like disown me. I just fear the worst and feel this need to confess but I don’t think I can ever tell her that because it’s just so gross. I’m obsessing over is this something even a person without ocd would be so ashamed of? Or maybe just the way I’m taking it to the extreme in terms of guilt is my ocd. It’s just really hard to feel like maybe it’s not ocd and it’s just like actually a horrible thing that I did.

Okay, my strategies of trying to get rid of the same sex thoughts have gotten so worst. It’s annoying and it Inter vines with my life 24/7. I used to be a bisexual and ever since I’ve been with my bf , I haven’t had feelings for girls. It’s been almost five years and I recently started the thoughts of doing inappropriate things with girls, I know I wouldn’t do this stuff bc that’s not who I am. Is there any stronger ways to get rid of this hocd?? I’ve tried acknowledging my thoughts and not ignoring them but they do not work. Now I can’t even LOOk at woman the same without having a bad thought and gronial response and I just really need help. If there any stronger strategies to help me get rid of this, please let me know.

I woke up today feeling a bit more positive the last few days have been really rough, been crying, having outbursts of shouting and today I just feel exhausted and don’t want to think about it but at the same time I was ruminating on it so much and worrying a lot and it feels really difficult to just suddenly forget about it, I’ve been worrying because it feels like when I imagine the thought it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ of imagining doing that, the thoughts are about smothering. It’s been feeling like the end of the world and I’ve been worrying because it feels like I actually want to act on the thoughts and it’s horrible, feel like I don’t trust myself. Today I feel exhausted and just want to feel normal again but feel like I can’t just go back to forgetting about it and feeling normal since the last few days have felt so rough and real like it couldn’t have all been for nothing, all that worrying? Surely it must mean something? And it feels like I could easily just start worrying again, I’ve got a bit of anxiety and feel uneasy already, but I don’t want another day of misery. But it feels like these thoughts definitely mean something and it feels like if I choose not to think about it because I’m still kind of believing it that I’m just trying to pretend I’m not evil by forgetting about it or postponing being evil 😞😞

Hi there! Has any of u here struggle this kind of OCD?I always suffer after using bleaches or household cleaners thinking I have left some amount on surfaces after cleaning. How to deal with this?

Please. My ocd just ruined my night wit someone and I’m crying so hard. I don’t know what to do anymore . I hate ocd so much