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how do i stop waking up so anxious

Why do I do compulsions but feel no anxiety? Also why do I get the anxiety and do no compulsions? It’s confusing me 😖

hello! this is going to be a personal rant about my current struggles with OCD. specifically Cis-OCD, which is pretty much just TOCD in reverse (obsession/fear of actually being cis in denial). i'm a 21 year old trans man, i came out around 5 and a half years ago and i've been on T for 2 years and am 7 months post top surgery. since around october, i've been dealing with intrusive thoughts surrounding my gender. pre-transition, i had this theme for a few months: the "what if i've just been faking it this whole time/what if i'm not truly trans?". my family didn't understand my identity at first and questioned me a lot on it and i always felt like i had to justify/explain myself. which was pretty much fuel to the fire. no matter what, though, this identity that i hold felt like gravity. i always ended up back here because it's who i truly am and i know that deep down. years later, far after the initial obsession, in early january i began my medical transition. it was seriously the best decision i could have made for myself. my mental health reached a baseline of okay-ness that i had never experienced before. bad things that would happen to me didn't feel like they were going to consume me, i felt true, prolonged happiness for the first time in a long time. i was joyful as every change came along with the hormones, as i felt a synchronization between my body and mind that i had never experienced before. i had surgery in may 2022 and seeing my chest for the first time made me feel something indescribable and amazing. i have a video of myself taking my shirt off outside for the first time over the summer and not knowing how to express how overcome with emotion i was. from jan 2021-october 2022 my ocd was also not very severe and i could function in school and daily life a lot better than usual. then october hit, and i got the flu for the first time in around three years, and i was in bed and my body ached very badly. i was sick three times that semester. an intrusive thought came into my head, the same one from years before, the "maybe your body hurts and you feel bad because you secretly regret your transition". at first, the thoughts were easier to fight off and explain away with logic. but as i kept fighting, the thoughts kept searching for new evidence. i began to have to check my memories over and over, to examine whether or not i was happier when i was younger before i transitioned, to examine pictures of me before and after and throughout and make sure i still felt like who i am. i began having to look in the mirror for a long time and check whether i recognized my reflection as my true self, to feel my chest and facial hair repeatedly to check that i still liked the changes i had made. i read accounts of people who had transitioned and people who detransitioned and made a mental tally of how many things they said i could relate to. i started telling friends about the obsession in hopes of seeking reassurance. a lot of the thoughts were irrational in nature and took things from my past and twisted them to be "signs" that the thoughts were true. when i got reassurance i felt better for a little while but the OCD never took that as an answer. it just kept getting worse. i told my dad about it in november over the phone and he said something along the lines of "if you keep thinking it, it has to have some credibility. the thoughts are there for a reason." i flipped out and panicked really bad that night. i didn't want the thoughts to be true. i didn't think they were. i'm happy with myself. but then my dad said "well, it's obviously more distressing to be wrong about who you are than right about it" and i couldn't stop thinking about that over and over. there were times where i used tips from OCD resources i'd found online, to help me accept uncertainty. when i'd do that, i would temporarily get out of how bad it was. i would be my normal self again, for a few weeks, and i began to do the things i enjoyed again like painting and video editing. but there would always be something to trigger it and i would end up back in the cycle. on tiktok i saw a video about someone who detransitioned after like seven years being out, and the "what if" thoughts came back really quickly. i went through their whole account and needed to know all the information so i would know if i matched it (i did not but the what ifs made me even question that). as this thing got worse, the lines between what was real and what was not got blurred for me. i began not trusting anything i thought and i wasn't able to engage with the world at all. every random stimulus (TV shows, song lyrics, writing) made me twist it up to be about the obsession even though it was completely unrelated. since many of my compulsions are mental, i wouldn't even realize i was doing them. i became miserable and my brain felt like a minefield, a hellscape. constant excruciating pain. i barely made it through the fall semester and had to be hospitalized two days before christmas as i became very unsafe very fast. i thought my problem was too complex and unheard of even within the OCD world to even bother getting help. but i did anyway in a last ditch attempt before i gave up completely. i'm now out of the hospital and entering into an IOP (intensive outpatient program) treatment on monday. i'm scared that it won't work on me or that i'm deeply in denial. i feel like i have better insight now than i did when i was hospitalized but i'm constantly on the edge of going down the rabbit hole again and i need to keep myself out of it. if you got this far, thank you for reading. i'm a little scared to even talk about this on a public platform but here we are. i don't know what the purpose of this post was but i guess i just wanted to write about my journey so far

Hey, does anyone struggle to get up out of bed because of being incredibly overwhelmed with every area of your life. Despite knowing that you’re running out of time for deadlines and appointments? If so how do you make yourself get up?

Hey guys. I know there may be some of you here who started struggling with OCD as a result of trauma or chronic stress. I personally didn’t really have a problem with OCD or anxiety until I went through an abusive relationship and chronic stress being in constant fight or flight mode for a year. This takes a toll on the nervous system and can absolutely be the cause of your OCD. In other words - your problem may not be the OCD, it may be your unhealed/unprocessed trauma. I’ve done research on the relationship between trauma & OCD, and a lot of studies have indicated that your OCD could subside or even go away once you’re able to regulate your nervous system and heal from post traumatic stress. Trauma changes the brain and that includes changes in thinking, feeling, perceiving, etc. which are all extremely challenging because you may not feel like yourself. Your brain thinks its helping you by becoming obsessive, worried and hyper focused, catastrophizing, etc. but OCD may not be your problem. I strongly encourage you to look into trauma therapy if you believe this might be the case for you.

I’ve prided myself on my ability to stick to a discipline, practice in my art, and used my “struggles” with OCD in not only my lyricism; but in nearly every task that I do. I do not have trouble letting go of this productivity on a day that I decide to. But it’s how I enjoy living. I hold myself to a very high standard for productivity + efficiency. I’ve never allowed that to feel like a “burden”. I simply do the things that I need to do, and then do the things I want to do. I feel that there is a connotation to OCD that has a “negative” tone. Is it really something that you need to “cure”? Instead of something to learn to live with? Like a missing limb / a vision impairment? Do you believe I am on the right track by wanting to identify my strengths > my weaknesses? And that the best strategy is to learn to minimize how those weaknesses + compulsions affect my daily functioning? I feel like I have learned to use my “mental illness” to my advantage. I do not feel like it’s magical thinking, as belief makes reality. If I believed that I were debilitated, I would be debilitated. I believe that I am someone who has OCD. Not someone who is OCD. I find a lot of pleasure & satisfaction in engaging my healthier “compulsions”. I choose to engage in these behaviors. As a ritual > a compulsion. I feel that it adds more of a human meaning to the clinical experience that learning about + living with OCD can be. As a relaxation ritual, I will take 10-15 minutes to arrange crystals, various rocks, and other trinkets, that I have assigned personal value to. I practice mindfulness during this time. I light a few candles. I open my window. I pour a glass of water. I engage all of my sense (along with each of the 4 elements ((earth rocks, water cup, air window, fire candle))). I’ve lost several of these stones, and gained others. I aim to keep them safe for as long as possible. I have learned to cope with my emotions & obsessions by, instead of always trying to combat this OCD monster; let him out of the cage when I choose to do so. I believe that it’s important to accept that part of myself. I’ve noticed that trying to have “control” over it, only leads to it worsening in the long run. So I choose to let it out in my music, or in my art. As I understand: compulsions are the real issue with OCD. Everyone has obsessions / intrusive thoughts. But OCD’s complication is that we develop unhealthy obsessions, to cope with the distress caused by these mostly normal human feelings & behaviors. Then, we connect some greater meaning to our compulsions. Is this not just a more complex way of describing everyone? Do we not all compulsively do things? Are we as a society more riddled with OCD because of an increase in media, fast paced living, lack of control over our lives, and an ever growing + evolving world? If my compulsions are healthy & make me happy, is there as much of an issue to “solve”? Or is it more important to understand the deeper problems & trauma that I’ve been learning had started my OCD? I understand more about my fears, triggers, and specific obsessions, as I use the model of OCD to analyze them. But, it feels a bit strange to be seeing myself in this way. As if I have something wrong with me / that I need to see as “more of a problem”. I feel like a lot of well intentioned people are upset that I see it differently. That I see it as a part of my life + my way of being. If I spend time cleaning, making music, doing calisthenics, jewelry making, clothing customizing, painting, and using other mixed media mediums; is that the OCD doing it or is it me? Is having OCD & trying to “live a normal life” what causes so many people so much distress and pain? Or is it that OCD is an affliction of those who experience severe distress & pain, and it becomes an entity outside of themselves (inside of themselves)?

Hey y’all, sometimes on here and in videos, podcasts, etc, I hear “don’t chase the thoughts.” What does that look like for y’all in practice? I don’t want to compulsively push thoughts away, since I know they’ll come back stronger if I do. What is your middle ground?

i am having the most awful experience with feeling the need to confess to my partner something. every second that i don’t tell him the thing i did, i feel like a fraud and that he’s seeing me as a good person when i’m not. it’s eating me up and preventing me from sleeping. the thing i’d like to confess is that the other day i said something rude to him because i was feeling insecure. i told him his hair was greasy, and i can’t work out why i did it but i think it was so he doesn’t think he’s too perfect for me. like he’s human and i’m human and if i can accept his greasy hair then he should accept my flaws too. but it was so wrong to say something like that to him. he didn’t bat an eyelid as i sort of said it as a joke. i just can’t believe i said something with the intention of practically hurting his self esteem. so i feel awful as he doesn’t know the fact that i intended to do something like that. but i don’t want to confess as he might see me differently. i would never want to make him feel insecure; i’m usually always complimenting him. but for some reason that day i nearly did. on purpose! i feel so toxic and terrible. this whole thing is making me lose my appetite i feel so guilty. do i have to tell him or can i learn to forgive myself and move on? he sees me as a very caring person, which i know i am. i love the people close to me dearly, and i’ve never faked that to him. but i just feel so so bad. i can’t believe i could’ve hurt him. the thought of him being insecure about his looks because of me breaks my heart. i didn’t want that. i just wanted him to think that he’s not better than me…. but that’s because i was feeling like he was too good for me!! it was so wrong. what do i do?

Do you have many people to talk to about your OCD? I wish my husband was more understanding about it. Does anyone else feel like they can't talk to their spouse about it?

I feel like If I don't tell someone something I'll go crazy and I can't talk to to my family or friends I am to scared that they will hate me if that did happen I couldn't take it I'm so scared I just downloaded this app and I don't know much about ocd except what iv watched on YouTube and read online why am I don't even know why I'm trying this I just want to be ok the last few days have been the worst I do my best to act normal around my family but I can tell I'm not do that good of a job I can't stop crying when I'm alone i soon know what to do with my self I'm so fucked sorry for this rable Idk if this even helped I know I'm not supposed to ask for reassurance sorry

I was supposed to get my second COVID vaccine this weekend that I had been putting off for a while due to horrible anxiety. I ended up getting the stomach flu so I have to postpone it again… In the meantime I have been spiraling about getting the shot. My thoughts are constantly “you are going to die. You are going to get heart inflammation. It’s documented that people have died from it and you will be one of them” it literally feels like getting it will be the end of my life. I have spent the past few days crying all day long about how it will be the end for me. I feel like I can’t handle getting it and knowing that I could be about to get a potentially deadly side effect. Does anyone have any advice? I’ve ceased all compulsions like googling, etc but even setting a new appointment sends me into doomsday panic. I’m leaving on my honeymoon in a month and I don’t know what to do. Thank you for any help you can give.

POCD has ruined my life. I am a shell of who i once was. not a do goes by without intrusive thoughts telling me i’m a P. I was molested at 3 and i still have such vivid memories about it. i remember everything. I’m 24 now. Being molested led me to believe that doing that with other children was okay, and now i obsess about one event that happen when i was 9 or 10 with an 8yr old. I was also SA by my brother and i feel so bad for still loving him no matter what. he’s my brother, you know? I really just needed to get this off my chest and talk about it somewhere. I’m currently taking 250g Zoloft and trying to find a therapist in network. Please if you have any advice please help.

I have been have the same headache for a week now. I have never had a headache for this long before and it is really scaring me. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago about my thyroid turns out i was fine. Now I made another appointment about my headaches. I am terrified I have a brain tumour. My family all laugh at me and don’t take me seriously anymore when I see i am worried I have this, because all the times i thot i was dying i wasn’t. But this time feels way to real and so concerning. I don’t wanna die and I am scared I have a tumour but no one not even my doctor will end up taking me seriously because I am always making appointments for a new thing. But what if I do have one and everyone just sees me as the boy who cried wolf.

Hi I’m getting my masters in clinical mental health counseling and have a research project to do. I myself have OCD. I wanted to get some input from others on what they believe is the reason for their ocd. Such as; 1)Trauma -physical -emotional -sexual 2)Genetics 3)other Also what age did you see symptoms/ get diagnosed? Thank you!

I really need advice, i need help to be able to differentiate my feelings

It's so difficult for me to find women attractive now because of the simple fact of not knowing their age before hand. I remember seeing a movie with Jennifer Lopez and she looked really nice in that movie but I just kept thinking maybe she wasn't of age when she was in her 40s in that movie. Same applies to a fictional character that I find attractive, but I get worried and thoughts that say what if that's a teenager and not an adult and it's just bothersome all the time. It's the only reason for the ruminating. Then I question myself is it wrong if I truly think it's an adult woman as opposed to knowing it's not an adult woman but still being attracted?

Hi, my ocd is starting to make me think I have feelings for a male coworker I barely interact or talk to 😔 Keep in mind I love my bf and he has a significant other too. I have no actual urge to cheat or be innapropriate (Even if we were both songle, I'm strongly against workplace dating anyways) l'm not sure how to deal with this appropriately. Any advice or suggestions. This is also my last post on here.

What made you personally download the NOCD app? Curious what brought you here - was it for the therapy, the community, the resources, or all?

If you could go back in time, whether that's to last week, last year, or ten years ago, and impart some knowledge or advice on your old self - what would you say? I went 19 years with untreated OCD. It impaired my life in ways I'm still learning as I navigate recovery. If I could go back, I would tell myself to seek out ERP much sooner and remind myself that I'm stronger than I think.

Hi everyone, this is my first post on this app! My OCD manifests in severe skin picking, which has gone on for about 5 or 6 years now. I don’t know how to stop, my go to places I pick are my chest and shoulders, I have so many scars and I get so self conscious if I’m wearing something that shows skin, because i feel gross. Does anybody have any tips or recommendations on things to try? I am so desperate to stop, but I literally cannot control it😭 (I also notice I tend to pick extra bad when I’m tired, stressed, or anxious). I seriously appreciate any advice you all can give!!