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The depressive symptoms on top of rumination is so disheartening. I suffer from suicidal ocd. It’s one of my biggest themes. Every since I heard the news about Twitch from the Ellen Show, I’ve been triggered. Definitely thought of myself and I hate having these thoughts!!!

How do you guys deal with health OCD? It’s been eating away at me lately and I’ve just been nervous about something bad happening to me, even after visiting the ER a couple of times about chest pressure/feeling like I’m going to have shortness of breath. And they always seem to find nothing wrong. What do you guys think ?

I keep testing myself saying I don’t love my partner anymore or that I wanna break up… I realize theses are compulsions but lately they have become so real that I truly believe don’t love him and that I want to end a 12 1/2 year relationship… I want it to be b/c I am tired of obsessing and having anxiety 24/7… I even try to say it on here that I don’t love him to see if I would post it or try to send him break up texts withy thumb hanging over the send button. Last night walking out of the bathroom I was pretty sure I love him. I even got a pokemon onesie and joked saying do I look sexy! We had a good laugh last night… I know deep down my feelings are still there bc of my happy moments.. but maybe I got too used to feeling this way…. I am in love still with my partner. Please.. is there anything other than erp that can save my relationship!? I know testing your feelings and constantly asking yourself questions is a compulsion…

It all started about 4 years ago-I would have vicious panic attacks relating the whereabouts of my father, it was recently after coming home from a summer camp when I found out my dad had been struggling with drug abuse pretty much my entire life. I myself being 14 at the time had been smoking pot daily by that time to subconsciously cope with the anxiety and depression I was facing. I remember the first day it happened I was smoking with my good friend we shared a wall in the same duplex. It was after school and my father was still on his way home from work or something. I remember my anxiety kicking in like I was having a panic attack but like; worse. I started crying in front of my friend really hard and saying “I don’t know what’s wrong I just don’t feel okay.”My friend (clearly super uncomfortable) just sat there and tried to comfort me while I called my Dad over and over again until he finally answered. When he did answer I felt such physical relief that it was alarming. I continued to freak out until he got home. When he pulled into the driveway my friend left. From that day on it just kept snowballing, I tried to play it off like it was just a random anxiety attack (caused by the weed or something) but no matter how hard I tried to force it down and distract myself I felt this sense of dread brewing in my at all times like something fucked was gonna happen. This led to me calling my dad excessively everyday all day checking on him making sure he was where he claimed to be etc. It got so bad I had to leave school forms while and stay at my grandparents because the checking was putting too much strain on me and my dads relationship. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me medication for ocd. I continued to live at my grandmothers and tried to white knuckle through everything I was feeling. Eventually they faced me with the choice of going back to school or seeking help at an impatient program. To me impatient was the end. It was being strapped to a bed and wheeled in to a state hospital confined to one of those padded rooms with a strait jacket. Eventually I got things semi under control. I was unable to uphold good grades at my towns high school however-the district sent me to an alternative school. Being away from all my friends and the things that distracted me (+ the workload being a complete joke compared to what had been expected of me academically at my prior schools) I was able to jump my .6 gpa to a 2.32. Eventually my dad met a girl off tinder who is still his girlfriend now. He’s drinking and smoking pot occasionally but I guess he’s fine? I’m currently living with him and my sister working full time- I just graduated this past June. I plan to attend school next September. Overall compared to where I was a few years ago I am in a much better place. I still struggle most days with lots of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I still fight the urge to unnecessarily call my dad on a regular basis. Yet I’m here. I’m alive and breathing. I’m glad I found this app I hope it can help me connect w some like minded people or something idk. I know this is very all over the place lol just needed to get it out I guess. <3

Please help if you can I’m so freaked out right now So I got an audiobook off Amazon audible and it was a book about a woman who gets murdered and people try to solve it and find out why or who did it but in the very beginning of the book, before the man murdered her, he r***ed her and I didn’t know it was going to happen and while listening to the woman’s voice in the audiobook reading it, the things she was saying could be the reason why this happened I don’t know but I started feeling weird down there and it could be groinal response (which I have dealt with before with a certain theme unfortunately) but I haven’t dealt with groinal response in a long time and now I had it during a r*** scene and I didn’t realize it for what it was when I was younger because I’ve heard it is a “thing” or “kink” that people are into that even a co worker told me that but I feel terrible because knowing what I know now I’m so upset that happened while listening to the audiobook and I had no idea it was going to happen. I don’t know what to do

So I’ve been on Zoloft since ending of October and went on 100mg about 2 weeks ago. I really started feeling the affects and it has made me calmer but I still have a lot of intrusive thoughts and today my mood swings were off the charts which my ocd feeds off of and now my mind feels like it’s racing. It could be because I get on my period in a week but can this still happen while on medication or should I talk to my doctor about a new prescription? What’s the goal of medication if you could just share your story

Can people share success of getting better. I feel so sad and hopeless today.

Sometimes I am triggered so badly that if I don’t receive automatic reassurance or consolation it feels like the OCD attack will linger until I ultimately seek out the compulsion (typically confessing to my mother or a therapist.) How do you go about your day when something so huge is nagging you? I need to go on a drive and visit my father but what I really want right now is for someone (usually an authority figure) to tell me that it is all OK.

Intrusive thoughts ruined me

Has anyone ever tried to deliberately play out a harm ocd thought in there mind to test yourself? In hope you would get really anxious and that would prove you would hate it? I deliberately imagined suffocating someone with a pillow and it’s ruined everything, I did get a really anxious feeling but now I feel like I know how it feels to suffocate someone and that I liked the feeling. I’ve been a mess ever since, thinking that I’ve understood how it feels to do that and now I’m desperate to feel the feeling of suffocating someone. I was crying very hard today because I imagined the thought again on purpose to test myself to make sure I don’t like it and I got this feeling in my chest but don’t know if it was anxiety and was worried it was excitement and made myself need to poo and then I searched up what emotions can make yourself need to poo from and it said anxiety or excitement, and because the feeling I get in my chest isn’t painful it’s just a feeling and I’m worried it’s excitement and that I like the thought, whenever i see an animal or a person I have this feeling like an urge of needing to do that horrible thing to them or I saw a cat sat outside today while I was sat in the car and it felt like would do that or want to do that and now I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to do that but now I’m worried that I do or that I like the feeling of doing that I hate this problem I feel so exhausted I really don’t want there to be anything wrong with me but I’ve started believing that I’m genuinely bad and want to do these things I keep having melt downs crying and feel like it’s all doomed because maybe I’ve just got this inescapable urge of wanting to suffocate something because of imagining the thought and the thing that makes it worse is that in movies they make it out to seem like the serial killers get a relief from suffocating someone and now I’m worried that’s me, I wish someone would tell me that I don’t know how it feels to do that through the thought and that it’s all a lie

I’ve tested so much that I believe I convinced myself I wanna break up… I also keep hearing I don’t wanna hurt him. When he held my hand randomly I felt better for 2 minutes. I want us to be close again but it’s like I found my truth….😞

When hearing others ROCD origin stories I hear most of the people we’re head over heels and then one day it just stopped. I don’t think that’s how things started for me and it’s making me feel invalidated.

I no more think it's rocd, I think I just can't bring myself to like certain ways of talking or jokes of my partner and I feel like our conversations don't flow, definitely not the way I'd want them to. The connection and talking in a relationship is the most important to me. And I don't feel that, not really. I keep thinking, but we CAN build a connection! But it's just throwing me off so much, that they sometimes write things/say things and I just don't like it or don't know what to say to it. (It's not red flags, just different ways of expressing.) They are AWESOME, super sweet and kind, our physical touch works very well too. I don't want to ignore all the good stuff and focus on this one connection problem, but I can't seem to get over it. I don't feel a connection and I feel like I don't even like them. I've been obsessive about it for months and I think I'm both experiencing rocd and both not wanting to really be with them...? It'll crush my heart if I break up with them, but I don't feel happy :( I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't be writing this but I just feel like I need to get it off my chest

Was having an okay day today after a few rough ones with ROCD. My partner came to me today to show me houses that he likes in our area which are available for renting. Our apartment lease is up in June and he was talking, like he has been, about our next steps as a couple and how he’d prefer to rent a house together rather than to stay in the nice 2-bedroom apartment we now live in. His ideas became more detailed, how we’d rent for a few years and save before getting a mortgage and moving into a purchased house together. He’s very very into me and treats me so well. For example, I’ve recently come down with celiac disease and now we both have to live in a gluten-free household for life. I told him how sorry I am about this change and how unfair it is to him. He responds “I don’t care- I have you- and that’s all I care about” 🥲 I’m lucky to have someone who has pretty much committed to me for life and accepts me exactly how I am, and always supports me and helps me. The problem is I’m really struggling with ROCD and to feel at all in love with him. (The breakup urges have been brutal this week.) Anyhoo, back to today. I’m laying there listening to his thoughtful and sweet ideas about how we could make a nice property-that he has pictures of- even better for me (he knows I’m a perfectionist, and that I’m into clean lines, expensive-looking design, and am picky about hotels) and I’m trying to just get past the huge anxiety spike. I’m trying to get to the point where I can look at him without scrutinizing his appearance and can feel something besides distress when we’re spending time together. (Love would be nice . . . and new.) I think I am doing a few compulsions as I tend to have automatic thoughts where answers just pop into my head . . . either rating his appearance, if I want to lose him, if I could even bring myself to break his heart, if I’m staying to keep him from pain and am actually unhappy, if I could deal with him not being in my life; if I’d rather be alone, if I’m attracted. The answers go back and forth. I’ve always felt like there was some barrier between us and our connection, and I can’t break through it and fall for him. I know a lot of this screams textbook ROCD but it’s impossible to believe there isn’t truth to it to some degree. I’ve been getting so lost in trying to figure out if we’re actually a fit; if I could be happy for the rest of my life in this relationship. I know entertaining these questions is compulsive, and a horrible idea but I’m having trouble pulling back. As for another worry- I am in a nice apartment complex and a little over a year ago this place changed owners. The new owners are far more uptight and changed a lot of qualification policies. My income isn’t high enough to qualify for this place anymore, so if I move out I really can’t get back in. (I can renew my lease annually without an application or verifying proof of income, so, if I wanted, I could live in this complex forever- as long as I never leave.) I’m in ERP but am not doing the best job of keeping up with the exposures (partially due to being busy with everything happening with Christmas coming up, and partially due to fear). I know, it’s bad to not be doing ERP, and I blame nobody but myself, but motivation is not happening right now. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. =] Sorry for the novel. >_<

Ocd tends to creep up on me when I’m having a good time or when I’m at a party, ocd turns everything negative around me. What are some tips that can support me from feeling negatively while I’m having a good time.

Its coming like an end of us me and my girlfriend i think ocd attacked me so much for rocd and hocdthat i cant be with her anymore i see my self like happiest and flirting with another girls than being with she to be honest, i dontt want to be like this but i see like this all of this i think i dont got more energy to live this life and its so so hard😭🥺

My mind one minute 🧠😍👦🏼👩‍❤️‍👨💍👨‍👩‍👦 I cant wait to marry this man I love him so much I can’t imagine life without him I can’t loose this boy he is my everything My mind the next 🤔🤥🚫🙈✋🏼🙅‍♀️🙅🏼‍♂️ Ur blind in denial stop lying to urself ur happiness is fake u don’t actually want to be with him you just don’t want to leave cuz ur just too scared to be alone Me: 😐

Hi guys, this is gonna be a long one but I’ll try and keep it short. I’ve had OCD for a very long time and I was only diagnosed this year when it really interfered with my quality of life. I’m on medication and have been for a few months, and it was totally life changing. I suffer with a few themes that resurface every now and again. One of those themes is to do with real event/my relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we’re very happy and I’ve never had issues with him. We first met at work, where we both worked together. Then we got into a relationship and then my boyfriend got a new job. We had a few good friends from work that we were both friends with. One of those was a boy who I carried on being really close with after my boyfriend left (and we’re still all friends now). This boy and I became pretty good friends, we were both going through tricky home situations at the time so we spoke a lot to each other about our mental health. At the time I thought nothing about our friendship being inappropriate. We would go on nights out together (all of the work team) and this boy could be quite flirty when he’d had a drink but he was just a very outgoing/over-friendly person. Obviously nothing ever happened between us and at the time I didn’t worry about it. One night after a night out, he touched my leg in the taxi on the way home (there were lots of us in this taxi). Again at the time I thought nothing of it but I didn’t stop him. Fast forward to a few years later, this becomes an obsession. I was crying for hours, ruminating and having panic attacks over this situation. I convinced myself I had feelings for this boy, that I’d cheated on my boyfriend and that I was an awful person. I did all the compulsive behaviours - ‘confessing’ to my boyfriend, playing the situation over and over, convincing myself on things that I don’t even know if they happened. The typical OCD behaviour. Since my OCD has hugely improved, this obsession has not bothered me in the slightest. But for some reason it’s come back. Not to the same extent, but I cannot stop thinking about it again. I just don’t know what to do. It makes me fill with tremendous guilt whenever I look at my boyfriend. He’s not bothered by the situation at all, he knows all the ins and outs. I don’t want to keep hurting him and I don’t want to talk to him about it AGAIN because I know all I’m doing is seeking reassurance from him. Does anyone have any advice? I’m struggling to let things go and accept them. (If you’ve made it to the bottom, you are a literal saint, I’m so sorry this is so long)

Hi, I noticed most people with ROCD have obsessions around their partner. And if they find their partners attractive or are their partners good enough for them? My fears are usually about ''if my partner finds ME attractive or not''. Or ''If I'M enough'' or ''if they have real feelings for ME'' etc. Can anyone relate? I never heard anyone with ROCD talk about this or have these obessions. It seems most people with ROCD usually question their feelings about how they feel towards their partners and not the other way round. It's making me doubt if I actually have OCD in the first place.

Does anyone ever be like what if I’m only staying with my partner bc im just to scared to be alone and don’t wanna start over