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Intrusive thoughts ruined me

Has anyone ever tried to deliberately play out a harm ocd thought in there mind to test yourself? In hope you would get really anxious and that would prove you would hate it? I deliberately imagined suffocating someone with a pillow and it’s ruined everything, I did get a really anxious feeling but now I feel like I know how it feels to suffocate someone and that I liked the feeling. I’ve been a mess ever since, thinking that I’ve understood how it feels to do that and now I’m desperate to feel the feeling of suffocating someone. I was crying very hard today because I imagined the thought again on purpose to test myself to make sure I don’t like it and I got this feeling in my chest but don’t know if it was anxiety and was worried it was excitement and made myself need to poo and then I searched up what emotions can make yourself need to poo from and it said anxiety or excitement, and because the feeling I get in my chest isn’t painful it’s just a feeling and I’m worried it’s excitement and that I like the thought, whenever i see an animal or a person I have this feeling like an urge of needing to do that horrible thing to them or I saw a cat sat outside today while I was sat in the car and it felt like would do that or want to do that and now I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to do that but now I’m worried that I do or that I like the feeling of doing that I hate this problem I feel so exhausted I really don’t want there to be anything wrong with me but I’ve started believing that I’m genuinely bad and want to do these things I keep having melt downs crying and feel like it’s all doomed because maybe I’ve just got this inescapable urge of wanting to suffocate something because of imagining the thought and the thing that makes it worse is that in movies they make it out to seem like the serial killers get a relief from suffocating someone and now I’m worried that’s me, I wish someone would tell me that I don’t know how it feels to do that through the thought and that it’s all a lie

I’ve tested so much that I believe I convinced myself I wanna break up… I also keep hearing I don’t wanna hurt him. When he held my hand randomly I felt better for 2 minutes. I want us to be close again but it’s like I found my truth….😞

When hearing others ROCD origin stories I hear most of the people we’re head over heels and then one day it just stopped. I don’t think that’s how things started for me and it’s making me feel invalidated.

I no more think it's rocd, I think I just can't bring myself to like certain ways of talking or jokes of my partner and I feel like our conversations don't flow, definitely not the way I'd want them to. The connection and talking in a relationship is the most important to me. And I don't feel that, not really. I keep thinking, but we CAN build a connection! But it's just throwing me off so much, that they sometimes write things/say things and I just don't like it or don't know what to say to it. (It's not red flags, just different ways of expressing.) They are AWESOME, super sweet and kind, our physical touch works very well too. I don't want to ignore all the good stuff and focus on this one connection problem, but I can't seem to get over it. I don't feel a connection and I feel like I don't even like them. I've been obsessive about it for months and I think I'm both experiencing rocd and both not wanting to really be with them...? It'll crush my heart if I break up with them, but I don't feel happy :( I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't be writing this but I just feel like I need to get it off my chest

Was having an okay day today after a few rough ones with ROCD. My partner came to me today to show me houses that he likes in our area which are available for renting. Our apartment lease is up in June and he was talking, like he has been, about our next steps as a couple and how he’d prefer to rent a house together rather than to stay in the nice 2-bedroom apartment we now live in. His ideas became more detailed, how we’d rent for a few years and save before getting a mortgage and moving into a purchased house together. He’s very very into me and treats me so well. For example, I’ve recently come down with celiac disease and now we both have to live in a gluten-free household for life. I told him how sorry I am about this change and how unfair it is to him. He responds “I don’t care- I have you- and that’s all I care about” 🥲 I’m lucky to have someone who has pretty much committed to me for life and accepts me exactly how I am, and always supports me and helps me. The problem is I’m really struggling with ROCD and to feel at all in love with him. (The breakup urges have been brutal this week.) Anyhoo, back to today. I’m laying there listening to his thoughtful and sweet ideas about how we could make a nice property-that he has pictures of- even better for me (he knows I’m a perfectionist, and that I’m into clean lines, expensive-looking design, and am picky about hotels) and I’m trying to just get past the huge anxiety spike. I’m trying to get to the point where I can look at him without scrutinizing his appearance and can feel something besides distress when we’re spending time together. (Love would be nice . . . and new.) I think I am doing a few compulsions as I tend to have automatic thoughts where answers just pop into my head . . . either rating his appearance, if I want to lose him, if I could even bring myself to break his heart, if I’m staying to keep him from pain and am actually unhappy, if I could deal with him not being in my life; if I’d rather be alone, if I’m attracted. The answers go back and forth. I’ve always felt like there was some barrier between us and our connection, and I can’t break through it and fall for him. I know a lot of this screams textbook ROCD but it’s impossible to believe there isn’t truth to it to some degree. I’ve been getting so lost in trying to figure out if we’re actually a fit; if I could be happy for the rest of my life in this relationship. I know entertaining these questions is compulsive, and a horrible idea but I’m having trouble pulling back. As for another worry- I am in a nice apartment complex and a little over a year ago this place changed owners. The new owners are far more uptight and changed a lot of qualification policies. My income isn’t high enough to qualify for this place anymore, so if I move out I really can’t get back in. (I can renew my lease annually without an application or verifying proof of income, so, if I wanted, I could live in this complex forever- as long as I never leave.) I’m in ERP but am not doing the best job of keeping up with the exposures (partially due to being busy with everything happening with Christmas coming up, and partially due to fear). I know, it’s bad to not be doing ERP, and I blame nobody but myself, but motivation is not happening right now. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. =] Sorry for the novel. >_<

Ocd tends to creep up on me when I’m having a good time or when I’m at a party, ocd turns everything negative around me. What are some tips that can support me from feeling negatively while I’m having a good time.

Its coming like an end of us me and my girlfriend i think ocd attacked me so much for rocd and hocdthat i cant be with her anymore i see my self like happiest and flirting with another girls than being with she to be honest, i dontt want to be like this but i see like this all of this i think i dont got more energy to live this life and its so so hard😭🥺

My mind one minute 🧠😍👦🏼👩‍❤️‍👨💍👨‍👩‍👦 I cant wait to marry this man I love him so much I can’t imagine life without him I can’t loose this boy he is my everything My mind the next 🤔🤥🚫🙈✋🏼🙅‍♀️🙅🏼‍♂️ Ur blind in denial stop lying to urself ur happiness is fake u don’t actually want to be with him you just don’t want to leave cuz ur just too scared to be alone Me: 😐

Hi guys, this is gonna be a long one but I’ll try and keep it short. I’ve had OCD for a very long time and I was only diagnosed this year when it really interfered with my quality of life. I’m on medication and have been for a few months, and it was totally life changing. I suffer with a few themes that resurface every now and again. One of those themes is to do with real event/my relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we’re very happy and I’ve never had issues with him. We first met at work, where we both worked together. Then we got into a relationship and then my boyfriend got a new job. We had a few good friends from work that we were both friends with. One of those was a boy who I carried on being really close with after my boyfriend left (and we’re still all friends now). This boy and I became pretty good friends, we were both going through tricky home situations at the time so we spoke a lot to each other about our mental health. At the time I thought nothing about our friendship being inappropriate. We would go on nights out together (all of the work team) and this boy could be quite flirty when he’d had a drink but he was just a very outgoing/over-friendly person. Obviously nothing ever happened between us and at the time I didn’t worry about it. One night after a night out, he touched my leg in the taxi on the way home (there were lots of us in this taxi). Again at the time I thought nothing of it but I didn’t stop him. Fast forward to a few years later, this becomes an obsession. I was crying for hours, ruminating and having panic attacks over this situation. I convinced myself I had feelings for this boy, that I’d cheated on my boyfriend and that I was an awful person. I did all the compulsive behaviours - ‘confessing’ to my boyfriend, playing the situation over and over, convincing myself on things that I don’t even know if they happened. The typical OCD behaviour. Since my OCD has hugely improved, this obsession has not bothered me in the slightest. But for some reason it’s come back. Not to the same extent, but I cannot stop thinking about it again. I just don’t know what to do. It makes me fill with tremendous guilt whenever I look at my boyfriend. He’s not bothered by the situation at all, he knows all the ins and outs. I don’t want to keep hurting him and I don’t want to talk to him about it AGAIN because I know all I’m doing is seeking reassurance from him. Does anyone have any advice? I’m struggling to let things go and accept them. (If you’ve made it to the bottom, you are a literal saint, I’m so sorry this is so long)

Hi, I noticed most people with ROCD have obsessions around their partner. And if they find their partners attractive or are their partners good enough for them? My fears are usually about ''if my partner finds ME attractive or not''. Or ''If I'M enough'' or ''if they have real feelings for ME'' etc. Can anyone relate? I never heard anyone with ROCD talk about this or have these obessions. It seems most people with ROCD usually question their feelings about how they feel towards their partners and not the other way round. It's making me doubt if I actually have OCD in the first place.

Does anyone ever be like what if I’m only staying with my partner bc im just to scared to be alone and don’t wanna start over

Hello :) I have been out 5 months ago... and do not remember every detail of the evening. While drunk and not being able to recall every bit of the night I got the thought "this time something must have happend, you cheated". After that night I have done my detactive work and thought, feelings and memories got more blurry every time. I think I am a bit better in comparison to two months ago, cause I dont cry as much, but I still feel horrible when I am doing my bf a favor or tryin to make him the best birthday because I think I am just doing it to wash my hands clean :( Help anyone?

ocd and bdd is not fun

I was officially diagnosed with OCD in February - I’m 20 years old and graduating college this year, so it was overwhelming yet relieving at the same time. I lost my Dad tragically when I was 14. I feel like this event exacerbated my symptoms - I couldn’t control losing him or what would happen after. Everything I thought I knew was shattered. I felt like it was my responsibility to pick up all the pieces. Sometimes I still feel that way. I took college classes in high school to get ahead. I broke up with a long-term boyfriend who was toxic. I moved across the country on my own for college for a fresh start. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. My social life soared, I excelled in my classes, and even started my own research as an undergraduate. I’ve always been a fast-track student, an over achiever in all aspects of my life. I’m an honors student, work in 4 research labs as an undergraduate RA, have a part-time job out of school, and pay all my own bills. I’m graduating from college a year early because of my efforts and just applied to graduate school for a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. Last year I fell apart. 18-19 credit semesters ripped me away from my friends and family. My life was a revolving door between school, work, and the grocery store. Occasionally, I’d sneak in a hike. I developed an eating disorder and an unhealthy relationship with exercise. For the first time in my life, I thought about suicide. I knew I needed a change, and I knew I needed help. After all, I’m studying psychology - shouldn’t I have seen the signs? I got help. I started to heal. I figured out what the words ‘trust’ and ‘balance’ truly mean. I’m by no means perfect or anywhere close to where I want to be, but it’s a damn good start. I love to learn, and more importantly, I’m learning how to allow myself grow and change. Life is uncomfortable right now - there are many unknowns, and I find myself spiraling at times. Will I be accepted to graduate school, even though I’m young but have so much valid experience? Do I make the people in my life happy? Do I need to clean the kitchen when I get home? Did I remember to pay my electric bill this month? It feels like the weight of the world is so heavy at times. Everyday I’m learning and growing into the woman I know that I am meant to be. I know I am strong. I know I am worthy. I know my Dad would be proud of me if he were still alive. I’m learning how to love who I am and who I am meant to be. It’s by no means easy, but it is worth it. Life is beautiful and too short to obsess over things I cannot control. It’s easier said than done, but I am doing my best to find beauty in the process. Growth doesn’t happen when we are comfortable. It’s a matter of when - not if.

I want to be with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. I want to be with him so much. He makes me happy. I wish ROCD would stop trying to mess with me. “But you feel so much anxiety do you really love him or does this mean you want out deep down?” I want to be with him but say whatever you want ocd cause at the end of the day I’m still going to choose him.

Hey guys, I’m really struggling right now. I’m trying to study for a final and then all of the sudden I got hit with intrusive thoughts and now I’m dealing with a lot of compulsions. I’m not doing some of them but it’s getting hard not to. The thoughts won’t stop and it’s getting bad. Any support would be great. Thanks

I don't get reassured like I used to. I believe it's a sign of growth that I do not but things are more difficult feeling when I'm not reassured. Most days I feel like depressed, stressed and anxious. I miss feeling the ways I felt before this shit started... normal. At the same time I am so grateful that I have grown in the ways I have through this pain I feel. I do wish I knew 2hat was truly good for me and what I truly need to do to continue to grow. For me this is regarding my suppoaive ROCD. Quite frankly it has been very difficult for me to have faith that it actually exists. This is me venting. If anyone else like to talk I am here.

Does anyone else’s OCD get worse when they’re alone/have time to think? I’m on maternity leave so spending a lot of time on my own and I dread it because I know my OCD will kick in. I used to love my own space but now I hate it 😢

I’m trying my best to not post on here because it’s reassurance seeking. However i just am so lost and so scared at the moment. I was scrolling on social media and came across an article of a sports reporter dying. I made the mistake of reading it and reading the comments. It says that he collapsed at a game and died shortly after that. Some comments were reading that he had health conditions, some were reading that it was foul play not investigated yet, and others were reading that his heart probably stopped from having the Covid vaccine. I have the Covid vaccine and now I’m truly sick to my stomach. What if a blood clot forms around my heart? What if i suddenly collapse? What if the r vaccine is a trap? I’ve never thought This way about the vaccine before. I always thought that it was good. But now I’m so scared because of reading some comments. Not to mention that some comments also said that there are a lot of unexpected deaths lately and I’m truly freaking out. I’m freaking out 😭