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My ocds pretty bad tonight. Curious if we train our brains to think this way or if I would normally have these thoughts and i just trained my brain to be afraid of them.

I'm starting to stop believing that what I'm experiencing is OCD, the symptoms *used* to line up perfectly, but now I feel like it's just gotten to be too real to be OCD anymore. What made me believe this was OCD in the first place is the sudden switch in fixation, before my current fixation, I had POCD, I can't remember when it switched, but it just did, and I stopped worrying over being a predator. I get residual worry sometimes, but that's just from the trauma of going through that. My OCD switched from POCD to TOCD, and honestly I have to say TOCD somehow feels worse. at first it was clear that it was OCD, it all checked out. The sudden obsession, the doubting no matter which way I decided, the checking, putting on feminine clothes and even doing half of my face with makeup, and hating it, as a test. I went back and forth, day in day out, day in day out, over and over again. I found a video on Trans OCD, and it helped, a ton. so much so that I started watching it over and over again, and now it doesn't help. It started getting worse and worse as time grew on, the more I researched the both better and worse I felt. Say you had a list of 7 symptoms, if I were to fit five, but not fit two, I would disregard the other five symptoms I do fit in favor of the two I do not fit. It was, and is, a constant run around. I started seeking reassurance from my family, close friends, my therapist, and that's when it was made so much worse. they would always say the wrong thing that would get me spiraling. my memory has gotten extremely hazy, even though these events were not long ago, but I remember that I was researching constantly, re-reading the same resources and watching the same videos on OCD, as of right now, I have yet to clear my tabs, I have 24 tabs open dedicated to OCD or dedicated to a compulsion involving OCD. each of these resources having been viewed by me an incredibly frequent amount of times. Back around this time I was reacting differently to it, I guess it was either not as bad, or I wasn't aware of how far down it all goes. I would ruminate, have really bad dips, research/reread/rewatch, come back up, be confident that it was OCD, try to start ERP on my own, start doubting again, ruminating again, cycle continues. I remember the night it all got worse, I just finished chatting with a hotline, it's become a routine at this point, I felt great, I felt euphoric, like myself again, and then, feeling like I could take on the world i made the biggest mistake of my fucking life, I tried to do an *extreme* exposure to my fear, I was a fucking idiot. I watched the video, and the person's experiences resonated with me almost to the word. I wish that fucking video and that person didn't exist. I was paralyzed, and ever since I haven't been able to get that stupid fucking video out of my head, I started trying to research again, desperately, I started calling hotlines more often, I snapped and started bathing compulsively again. It only for worse from there, now, TOCD is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last I think of at night. I spend every hour of my day ruminating, landing on an answer that doesn't stick for long. It's become harder and harder to see myself as a man anymore, and that both frightens and saddens me. As time goes on the fear has started to make more and more sense and I don't truly see it as irrational anymore. People keep mentioning that you "know" deep down what you are and you know that it's OCD, but I don't. not anymore. I don't know if it's still OCD or if it was OCD in the first place. I'm physically unable to imagine myself as male anymore, my brain won't let me, it keeps budding in forcing me to imagine myself female, and even worse it feels like I like it. it feels like i've developed dysphoria and it hurts, I limit speaking because i'm afraid that if I dislike my voice it 'proves' something, I avoid mirrors, I've began to feel uncomfortable with my facial hair despite having used to love it. I can't hear my name and I hate when people say it, it starts the rumination up again and I hate that I feel suddenly uncomfortable with it. I even impulsively bought a wig that i've since thrown in my closet, too scared to even look at it. I bought it to check, but I've stopped checking, in fear that if I do it will make me more likely to be a woman. I've lost the desire to check and instead have become afraid of it and have started avoiding things that would require me to check. The worst part is that at one point I just broke, it was a particularly bad night for OCD, I broke under the pressure and accepted it, and I felt at ease, happy maybe, I can't remember all too well. I'm terrified that that moment wasn't me breaking but me coming out of denial, and now being back in denial. I've been trying to read back into memories and trying to remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling, and every time I come across a memory I can't remember all too well I lose my fucking mind. I can't tell if it's OCD anymore, or if it was ever, what if I faked my symptoms to convince myself I had OCD and just don't remember? I'm on medication, but I don't know if it's helping, I almost hate when i'm at peace because when I'm ruminating I at least know it still might be OCD. it's gotten to the point where I really don't even want to be at peace or happy anymore, I *want* to be in distress because at least then it still feels like it can be OCD. I don't know, nothing makes sense anymore. does this still sound like OCD or am I just fooling myself?

How long have you had really bad ROCD?

how do you guys really get yourself to accept uncertainty? when i watch ocd videos and read articles, i think i’m understanding what they’re trying to say. after all, i’m okay with not knowing if i’m gonna get covid even though that’s much more likely than, say, running someone over with my car, but the idea of never *truly* knowing the answer to one of my themes is what trips me up when the panic is horrendous. and when the panic is that high anyway, the theme feels real enough as it is. so what can i do? what were some strategies you guys did to better accept it?

I’m feeling somewhat okay today and my intrusive thoughts have been somewhat at a minimum. I struggle with harm thoughts mainly pertaining to what Dahmer has done. I’m so scared of being like him. The fact that i feel fine today is scaring me so bad. What if I’m just okay with it? What if I’m like him and am okay with it? I feel like i keep trying to force my thoughts because they are not there. Like I’m freaking out. I’m home alone with my mom today and tonight and I’m freaking out. Like i don’t feel good i don’t feel like me, my intrusive thoughts and images are hardly here and I’m getting scared. But my thing is also like i say that I’m scared but am i really? What if I’m not? What if I’m pretending? How am i gonna get through this night? Please help. What if i just do something so bad.

Does anyone else suffer from rocd but in the way that like you are worried your partner has sexually assaulted you or pushed you into something even though you know they haven’t? I know it makes no sense.

About 2 years ago, during planning work to my current house I became aware that I was likely exposed to asbestos in my old pre war built house. I lived there for approx 10 years and when I first moved in a lot of work was needed on the place. A number of possible exposures occured but the one i am mainly concerned about was when we had the main bedroom artex ceiling removed. A workman did the actual work but this was done on the cheap areanged by my ex. it created a ridiculous amount of dust that hung around for a long time and was next to impossible to clean up. (I do not think the guy realised it was artex or didn't care about the risk maybe. It was certainly never mentioned.) Shortly afterwards I realised that if the ceiling was brought down then whatever insulation was on top must have been too. I have no idea what this was or even that there definately was any and this led me to worry it could have been asbestos which I understand is the most dangerous kind when used in this way because it is essentially loose and contaminates everything. I became concerned that I was therefore chronically exposed to asbestos,possibly the worst kind, over many weeks/months (possibly longer as dust got in all rooms and on furnishings etc.) And was extremely concerned about my risks of developing illness now (about 12 years on) or in the future as a result. I became completely obsessed with going over and over the ceiling removal trying to remember if we had any insulation and if we had if it was the dangerous kind. My brain threw up ideas that initially seemed sensible to me but actually are really bad ideas e.g. knocking on the door of the house and asking for a sample from their attic (yes I know this would sound crazy) or contacting my ex (but I know he would either not remember or it wouldn't help as would either make me worse or Iikely wouldn't believe him. That and Bad idea anyway - not a great relationship in retrospect.) I gradually thought about it less with medication and other stressors but was always peripherally aware of this. This has risen its head again with an increase in ocd symptoms and being aware that my kids still use some things that were in that house, which may potentially be contaminated with asbestos. My therapist thinks I should treat this as ocd but I can't get past my belief that this presents a real and ongoing potential risk. I want to get rid of anything that was ever in that old house but that would leave us with very few belongings so isn't really reasonable.

I’m not doing good… My partner had a break down because how bad I’ve been got the past 2weeks The week before I had this happened I had a good day. I knew I loved him didn’t doubt it could actually enjoy a conversation with him… but now since it’s been an everyday thing… I believe I wanna end the relationship.. it’s making me sad bc I don’t wanna do it… bc I love him. I am worried about the future for both of us constantly. I have had some real doubts and I know it isn’t just the ROCD… I wanna fix the doubts so we can move forward… Bc if I break up I won’t be with him anymore… it hurts bc I don’t want that but my brain is making it seem like that what I really want… Im just venting bc I am actually believing my relationship is gonna die and it’s breaking my heart badly. 😢😭💔💔💔

Anyone else?

Hi everyone, grateful to be here and share. Can any new mamas share how long it took for them to get over their postpartum OCD? I know everyone is different and I’m grateful to be in ERP since August, but having been experiencing heightened OCD since April. My son is a blessing and super easy, but just wondering if any mamas can share their success stories. Thanks!

So I was driving on home on a highway and I started doing this thing where I start to feel like “is this all real. Am I really driving this car”. Well when this happens all my surroundings becoming overwhelming and a panic attack starts happening. I literally go outside my body, it’s weird. Well. Normally I would start fighting the panic attack off saying in my mind “no no no I don’t wanna go through this!!” Well this time, I said “ah well. Whatever stupid brain. If you wanna have a panic attack oh well can’t stop you and I’ll make it through it like I do all the others.” Y’all. It all just went away. I know it’s not gonna be the last panic attack that strikes, but it just goes to show the more we fight our anxiety, the worse it gets. Acceptance as hard as it is, is key! I hope this helps someone. Hang in there! Xoxo

I struggled with hocd for a good 4-5 months and can now say that I am like 95% free of symptoms(occasionally get anxious and some thoughts but they just come and go) I’ve had some episodes of other odds like TOCD and some Harm OCD but at the end of the day it’s ocd. My best piece of advice is accept that your fear may or not be true and don’t spend a single second trying to solve it or analyze it. Remember everyone else lives with the same uncertainty as us we just give it more meaning so stop trying to be certain. If you have any questions lmk.

I would consider this an existential theme overall but it’s heartbreaking and makes me feel so alone. Like I’ve figured something out that no one else knows or sees it the way I do. I know this is the OCD trying to make me feel that way and it doesn’t make much sense..but it is devastating. My OCD focuses on people and why we do the things we do and think the way we do. It’s like it finds everything so predictable like we are all basically like robots. This didn’t start happening until I experienced major trauma from an abusive relationship with a full blown narcissist who likely has major mental health problems. He was extremely toxic and delusional, and scary at times. I definitely suffer from complex PTSD but the OCD that came as a result has been debilitating. It’s like I don’t see things the way I used to. My perspective on life and people in general is totally different now and my brain constantly finds ways to over analyze things and make me feel like I can’t accept reality, and the way things are in life when it comes to being human, having emotions, why we do things the way we do and why things just are the way we are, etc. It’s so odd and hard to explain. But I really feel so alone. Every time I have my thoughts I get so depressed and anxious. It doesn’t even feel like OCD, because it feels so real.

What do you do if you're unsure if something is a real risk or OCD?

I’m freaking out . I had an intrusive thought the other day and now I’ve been numb. I have pmdd and I am just so out of it . I can’t be intimate it’s like I am just angry and I feel no love or warmth or passion. Anymore . I want it all back . It’s telling me to leave my boyfriend like it feels real . Will I be okay ? I’m so scared

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

Hi everyone I wanted to share my journey as long as it can help someone. I currently suffer from HOCD, I’ve had OCD for years and my themes kept changing over time: Health OCD, Existential OCD and Harm OCD were my main ones even if now they seem irrelevant! I started having HOCD one day after reading a book where a very descriptive gay sexual scene made me have some type of arousal. Since then I’ve fallen into the trap of what if I am gay ? What if I fall in love with a women ? Omg as a women I always look at other women and notice how pretty or ugly they are what does it mean ? I’ve watched threesome porn in the past with two girls and a boy what does it mean ? Etc etc you name it !! I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years and I love him dearly, so having these thoughts were really distressing. And prior to that I always was in straight relationships, never even kissed a girl lol. I guess all of us with HOCD have similar thoughts, but lately I’ve been recovering and I wanted to show some tips: First of all groinal happens to everyone. The less I’ve focused on it and I accepted it the less I’ve been having it. Now it’s nearly gone. Obviously having groinal comes from focusing on it and ruminating on a intrusive sexual thought. So in order to have it gone you need to stop ruminating and stop paying attention to it. If you have it , so be it, but it doesn’t mean anything. ERP is key!!! People think ERP need to be extreme such as looking at porn or seeing a gay movie but no. Treat every thought and every day as ERP until your recover. When an intrusive thought pops up refrain from doing compulsions. This means googling, looking for reassurance on OCD websites like NOCD, mental checking or memory checking. People reading that post right now might be seeking reassurance. After this post. STOP. Taking control of your OCD and stop feeding it. The goal here is to live a fulfilled life without letting intrusive thoughts and fear take control of it. I thought I couldn’t do it but when you try it really does work. Yes, you can feel uncomfortable and maybe anxious but with time it does go away. Anxiety never stays a 10, it will be less and less until it becomes a 2. It may seem like you want to jump yourself out of a window but it’s fine anxiety will not kill you. My form of ERP which works the best is natural exposures which means not giving into my compulsion if ever I see a girl I consider ‘pretty’, avoid someone because I know he/she is gay, avoid series with gay content. As an example, recently, I went to my hairdresser that I am very good friends with (she has been my hairdresser for over 7 years!!). Ironically last time she said to me she was gay. My anxiety went up through the roof above a 10 I wanted to run away as fast as I can but what could I do ? Escape when I have bleach on my hair ? Nope, i won’t let OCD ruin my hair and I was forced for the first time to sit with the anxiety and interact with her as nothing changed. Leaving the hairdresser I realised: I was able to stay 3h with my hairdresser and I barely gave into my compulsions. The worst scenario in my HOCD themed happened I had to spend time with someone that is gay and what happened ? Nothing. I did not magically become gay and nothing horrible happened, it was like every single time she did my hair! Since this experience I barely have been doing compulsions even when my mind scream at me I’m just like ‘meh’ that is the response OCD deserve. It’s been nearly 10 days and I feel better. The thoughts are less loud, I feel more like myself. My OCD is still here but it’s a background chatter. I’m comfortable with the idea of uncertainty and not engaging with my thoughts to know now for sure. With time I also feel more confident about my identity and values. What do I care about ? My boyfriend, life and happiness. What do I give a damn about the what ifs and what could my life be in x y z scenarios? Finally thoughts and actions are different. A thought is not action, it is not real and it is not a truth. You don’t get fear and anxiety on something you like or want even through your thoughts are making it seem true for you. Even if you don’t have anxiety and just the thought that is fine. You are recovering. I often get other intrusive thoughts. For example, when I see the tube pass by my OCD mind tells me what if I jump ? What if I push someone ? However, because it is not my ‘main theme’ I’m like ‘meh whatever it’s just a thought’. Treat your main theme in exactly the same way. The only difference is, it is your main theme cause it a ‘bad thought’ and your OCD feeds on it making you feel anxious, distressed and disgusted. Also don’t feed on the past. My biggest worry was that in uni I was straight and boy crazy but as 90% of the straight girls I know I already fantasised about threesomes with girls and a boy etc.. does it mean I am gay and I want to have sex with a girl ? Nope. I know some people that watched gay porn, others that had an experience but they are still straight and identify as straight. I also fantasised about cheating on my boyfriend, and sleeping with an older guy, but that doesn’t mean I want it to happen at all. As sexual being we can fantasise about everything, even fries if we want to. Treat your past actions as an exposure. So what ? You did things and thought of things in the past because you were a teen/young adult and you grew up it’s chill! We all change. If you were something else you would have known by now. Finally the biggest tip I can give is irrelevance. As long as you don’t see OCD as being irrelevant it will linger. Keep focusing on ERP, stop avoidance and stop googling. Be yourself and be happy. You can recover. I am seeing a light out of that dark tunnel I’ve been in for months. We can all do it. Good luck guys ❤️

Can ROCD play tricks in you!? I know I love him. But it doesn’t seem like it’s ROCD anymore☹️ No intrusive thoughts… but there is anxiety… 😞 I saw a picture of my friend and her husband. Starting panicking asking myself do I deserve better!?!?!😰😰 I have a good relationship. This isn’t real right!?!? Do I want to end my relationship!! I got rid of my break up urge’s yesterday but now there back!

i did something bad and went through my boyfriends instagram likes and found girls dorm his college that he follows. there was nothing bad on there. then i looked up why i keep looking for reasons to be mad at him. abs the first thing that came up is that i don’t want to be with him. he has messed up in the past, but so have i. i just want to love him fully and feel my feelings of love again. at this point i just feel numb to him. i feel terrible. does anyone have any advice

My HOCD is making me feel like everything I say has a homosexual meaning behind it when I dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual in any way… 😞😞 it’s making it feel like I’m in denial when I dont ever want to be homosexual or bisexual in any way… even recently I thought this person was making a homosexual innuendo when he wasn’t and my HOCD is saying I’m in denial because of it too… 😞😞😞