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Hi, I'm a man, 25, I had HOCD. Before getting to the heart of the matter some precisions: I have untreated sleep apnea which can cause erectile dysfunction so my erections are weaker than they were before. I always had a strong libido. I had HOCD until the end of 2021. My doubts were dissipated, I understood that I was not gay and that I would never become it, I always loved women, never men. I've been consuming quite a bit of trans-trans/trans-female porn this year. About ten days ago, on IRC, I started talking to a "sissy" (roughly speaking, a feminized man, unlike transvestism which is casual and where the man is a man in women's clothes, sissies want to live as a woman constantly and be treated as sex objects). I mostly saw her as a trans woman, never as a man. We mostly talked about sex and we had some of the same delusions, it was pretty exciting (I got a good quality erection quickly, even though it was pretty quick) and, we talked every day for five-six days in total I would say, I liked those moments. I was a little anxious in the middle of it all (or was it kind of love ? I hope it wasn't but this question loop in my head), but then I figured a girl's a girl, whether she's trans or not. I tell myself that I have to stop talking to her, for fear of falling back into the OCD analysis spirals and I don't really know how to tell her. Flashforward to yesterday, we talk again, I don't think about it anymore and then she tells me that she wants us to stop talking. It suits me but I feel bad, like I've been beaten up. I am anxious. Since last night I've been ruminating, wondering what it all means. Was I in love? I don't think so, I talked to her for a week, we never saw each other and we only talked about sex. But there's always a damn "what if my anxiety isn't anxiety but a sign of love (like when you have butterfly in stomach)?", "why did you feel bad?" running through my head. So I get anxious. I'm afraid that something has broken inside of me, that I'll never fall in love with women (and more specifically cis women) like I used to. I am aware that this is stupid. If anyone can help me see this more clearly, I would be grateful. Was it love ? Why such an intense reaction to such a random "relationship"?

Watch his YouTube videos on HOCD has brought me a lot more clarity / I am not here to reassure you but to tell you you must believe that HOCD isn’t you that’s the first step it’s your brain . If you like girls you like girls that won’t change you just need to rewire your brain which isn’t easy . You are not gay or bi etc because if you were it wouldn’t bring you so much distress . Learn that it’s our brain with HOCD not us or our real values

i’m sure it’s just the lack of sleep i’ve been having but for about 2-3 days i’ve just felt so different. like i can’t find feelings for him sometimes or find excitements and it’s a new feeling and i can’t remember when i felt anxious about something. i keep thinking what if there’s more when i know he’s who i want and i hate this so much. i think my ocd has just taken me out, like just drained me so much at this point

Yesterday I had an appointment with my physical therapist for my pelvic floor. I had an internal rectal exam, she said my sphincter was very close to the opening. I didn’t think anything of it. But when I got home I couldn’t stop obsessing and wondering what she meant by that. It kept me up all night wondering what she meant. I wanted to google this but I didn’t and I’m still trying to not fulfill this compulsion. However, I can’t stop thinking about what she said and now I’m freaking out and scared obsessing over this. I did email her to ask for clarification and if this finding was indeed normal. But I’m just really scared. How do I handle this with erp? What can I do?!

Im at the point where ive been ignoring compulsions for so long but it only gets worse for some reason. Today, i gave in to a compulsion and it led to one of the worst feelings i felt in this whole ocd theme era. It felt so real that i became horrified that the ocd actually turned me into my worst fear. I cant tell the difference anymore. Can ocd actually turn you into what you fear even if it's completely against your values because this is exactly what it feels like. Im tired of fighting against it when all it does is get worse. Just four months ago i was NEVER like this. Now, this feels like a horrible reality i must submit to. It feels real. I dont want to live like this horrible being ocd shaped me into. Im sorry if this is too much to put on a discussion post but i have nowhere else to vent and this is damn near my breaking point. I never thought i would break but im breaking very fast.

I keep struggling so much with studying and staying focused on my courses because I’m constantly ruminating. There hasn’t been a moment or second for over a year where I’m not ruminating and thinking about my real events or anything related to it. I get distracted easily and procrastinate a lot. It causes me to forget much of what I’m studying and I tend to put in minimal effort because of this. That’s not who I used to be, I don’t know what happened to me.

Has anyone ever felt like their mind was pulling them in a specific direction, and it’s super uncomfortable and hard to live with uncertainty. My mind is convinced I’ll find certainty with someone else, but I don’t want to believe it. But, at the same time I’m so exhausted of fighting- I just want this to go away. This has never happened in previous relationships, but this is also the healthiest relationship I’ve been in.

Does anyone ever feel “numb” to your ocd? Like today I can’t really tell what my brain is telling me. I guess I just feel like I’m lying to myself when I say I’m straight even though all I want is to be with a man, I want to get married and have kids with a man. I don’t want to be with a woman at all, but I’m not spiraling into a panic like I usually do, I don’t want my thoughts to be real. What does this all mean?? OCD is hell for me.

So a week ago at a recovery group I go to suggested a goodbye letter. Well after the emotional night I had last night, I figured I needed to do something constructive with my anger and pain towards the OCD. A few months ago, I wrote a poem (definitely not a poet lol) about OCD and shared it in here, so I figured I would share my goodbye letter. F•*k You OCD Pt. 2 Dear OCD, It's me again. I'm writing to you again because I need you to know that it's time I say good bye. You have plagued my life for two years and I continue to get up every waking moment and continue on with my day. Every day you try cooking up something to knock me down and I've had enough. I've been nice for too long. I even told you that you could stay. I have to be honest and let you know that I hate you so much. The word hate isn't a strong enough word to describe my feelings towards you. You have no idea how bad I hurt. All you get is joy from watching me cry and laughter from me giving into the compulsion. You have succeeded multiple times in making me feel like a monster but clearly you see that I will not back down. Clearly, I have something you want. You want to consume me so bad that you can't just come at me with one type of OCD. In total, you are throwing four types of OCD at me, and look at me...I'm still here. Yeah, you've broke me countless times but each time you break me, God, my family, and loved ones are there to help piece me back together. That's what you don't understand. I will not give up. Ever. You try to crush me and my goals but I will not let that happen. My family loves me and God loves me. One day, I will find the woman God sent for me and she will love me too. She will understand the pain I face and will not run no matter what you try to make me feel. OCD, I promise that I will continue working. I will continue seeking help to strengthen my tools to be prepared for anything you throw at me. Take a look at the progress I've made in the two years...clearly I won't back down. I see you are stubborn as well, so that is why I continue to live my life. You hate that. You hate seeing me smile. But I love it. I love smiling and thanking God for the little things I'm blessed with while I continue to embark on this journey. As you are not a physical being, I cannot make you feel the pain you've made me feel. But by now, I've learned how to make you suffer. It's simple. Continuing to live my life. Continuing to put a smile on my face and allow myself to be loved. Ignoring you is even better. You feed off my anxiety, my fears, and love to get a reaction out of me. That's fine. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. So enjoy the moments you've made me scream, cry, and doubt because I promise you that over time those moments will dwindle down. You underestimate my support system and my own strength. I have never underestimated you. I am fully aware of you capabilities. You've made that known. But by doing that, I continue to shield up and get stronger. I am no idol or spokesperson but I know there are countless others who suffer from OCD and have been right where I was at. I know how it feels to think you're alone. To feel worthless, like a monster, that no one could ever love or understand you. I know how scary this is. That is what drives me. That right there is part of the many reasons I keep going. Because one day, I will be able to share my story to someone who was where I was two years ago. They will no longer feel alone or judged. Finding NOCD and building my support system has made me stronger. They help me take you on each day. The ocd community is deeper than you know. I will continue pushing through the muddy waters. Why? Because I know that there is so much greatness and joy ahead of me. Awareness for OCD will only continue to get bigger. Which means more therapist and tools to help many others like me. Ocd, before I go I actually need to thank you. Because of you, I found God. Because of you, I opened up to my family and let them in on my life. Because of you, I have grown as a person and gotten stronger mentally. Don't let that go to your head though, because all of those things are what fuels me. Good bye OCD.

Been having a tough few weeks... I left university in 2020 after an OCD breakdown. Since then I've received a ton of therapy and decided to give uni another try. Only problem is, the last few days I can't catch a break from the constant bombardment of intrusive thoughts. Its leaving me worried that I'll end up having another breakdown. I get over one thought, then my brain is just scanning scanning for the next thing to ruminate over. Everytime I get over one obsession, it seems to find something worse or more disturbing. I don't want all my energy starting uni to be spent battling my mind. Any advice is appreciated.👍

I've had hocd for 6–7 months now, it started at my school when all of a sudden my brain 'fixed' on a girl in my class (very masculine) at first I was scared that she is a lesbian and interested in me and me by her, I was extremely anxious (vomiting, bad sleep, weight loss ..) then I discovered what was hocd and that relieved me but I reassure myself too much.. after i test myself on all the girls, I had several phases of ups and downs.. but this girl at school I see her every day and it triggers me, which makes the thought even more real! it's been 3 months since I was out of school (internship + vacation) so much less thought about her and hocd in general ( but always present in backround) and now that it's my return here we go again.. I'm really afraid that this is a real attraction and not hocd but on the other hand I'm just fear in me and in the end I test myself to see if i like her constantly, but the fact that from the beginning it's been on her scares me a lot and tells me that it may not be hocd

The more I learn about ROCD and relationships the more I believe that our generation and the mindset of the masses has a direct link to this subtype of OCD. I believe OCD sufferers tend to take things more to a literal sense slighty like autism. Our culture and society is very heavy on bold statements and how things ‘should’ be, many OCD subtypes stem from things which are widely spoken about in society - moral OCD, cleanliness OCD, image and weight, relationships , harm etc. Society has painted a picture of how things should be and how they should look like and someone with OCD may internalise these messages from society more than the average person believing them to be the truth. We’ve been sold lies about relationships, from Disney fairytales to statements like ‘the one’ and that you get swept of your feet and love happily ever after. We also live in a generation obsessed with one’s self and self gratification. Love is talked about as how it makes us feel good/high and what it does for our ego … what people are referring to is lust and infatuation , it has little to do with love and is a temporary feeling not based on the reality of the other person our actually caring for the other . It’s not surprising that the divorce rates are so high with the way that we view love in our society … Love can only built with time , after all, good things don’t come easy. Trust takes time to build as does respect and understanding… the fundamental elements to a loving relationship , yet we’re sold a false narrative of ‘love at first sight’? No wonder someone with ocd who takes things literally may feel so anxious , we’re sold all these false beliefs about how our relationship should be , maybe we don’t need to feel guilty for having doubts , could it not signal a more healthy relationship based on growth? Maybe most people don’t feel anxious about their relationships , not because they’ve found the one but simply because they are not overthinking them . OCD latched onto to things we care about the most so clearly someone who suffers with OCD values relationships highly , maybe the people who are placing such a high value on their relationships simply don’t take the time to think about what could go wrong and the doubts simply because their mind is preoccupied else where . That doesn’t make their relationships more ‘right’ or valid just because they aren’t thinking about the relationship as much . We don’t need to place expectations on our relationships , relationships take work for them to be successful. The key to a relationship is your mindset and growth, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Someone has this huge afraid of disappoint God? Like, thinking He is ordering you to do something but deep down, you know it is not Him, but OCD?

My POCD is calling me a P and a Chomo for the horrible real events (3 times) when I was 13… I had no idea how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15…

Is rocd like a fear of commitment. And why is that?

CONTAMINATION OCD: Hi all! I’m new to the app and I think I’m just looking for people who understand what’s going on. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 6, am now 19. It started as hoarding, but morphed into various subsets throughout my life. Of course all of it is hard, but this summer I developed contamination OCD and I have never struggled with any other subset like I do this one. I went through a break-up and soon realized I was uncomfortable wearing other peoples clothes, and then when my mom would kiss my forehead Goodnight, and it quickly spiraled into any spit, blood, bodily fluid, etc. I then got to my second year of college a couple weeks ago, and it has spiraled more than I could’ve ever imagined. I love my roommate/friend, but I can’t go on her side of the room. I can’t have anyone touch me or my things and I am drenching everything, even my face/lips with alcohol, hydrogen peroxide, hand sanitizer all of the time. I’m starting OCD-specialized treatment next week, and it’s hard to not feel hopeless bc I can’t imagine this ever going away due to how severe it has gotten. I miss hugging people and curling up on my roommates bed at night to debrief. I’m having nightly breakdowns about it, and I cannot thank her enough for how understanding she has been. I miss physical touch, even high fives, and I just don’t feel like a person. Can someone who has experience with contamination OCD give me some kind of hope? I just want to feel human again.

I deal with many types of OCD such as harm OCD, self-harm PCD, Pedophilic OCD, and possibly Relationship OCD. Well today was a fairly easy day for OCD. Until I swung by my parents house to pick up laundry. I've made tremendous progress with my OCD and the POCD. Two years ago, I thought I would never be able to talk, or hug a child. It's still hard but I can do it. Tonight, I was getting ready to leave my parents and I was just leaning over the counter on my phone and in front of me was my family eating at the kitchen table. There was my mom, dad, brother, brothers Gf, and Gf's kid. The kids' back was facing me and she was kneeling on the chair leaning over the table wearing a dress and I just looked up and made eye contact with the end of the dress. For me, or anyone with POCD, we don't enjoy any of this. To me, it's torture. I didn't see anything but when I left and got into my car I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. I instantly felt like a monster. I felt like I should isolate and no longer be around my family. I felt undeserving to be apart of the family. I accepted the cards I've been dealt a long time ago which has made working through the ocd easier but tonight was the first time in a long time I played the "why me?" Game. I cried, screamed, and hit my steering wheel the whole way home out of pure hatred towards the OCD. I asked myself, "how could anyone love me?", "How can God love me?", and thought good thing I'm single because no woman could ever accept what I go through. Well, one woman did, but my R-OCD drove that relationship away. At the end of the night, I have to dig into my tools. I have to "ride the wave". I HAVE to. I know tomorrow will bring a new day. I know that I am loved by many and that it is my OCD wanting me to feel like a monster. Someone mentioned to me trying to write a "goodbye letter" to the OCD. I've wrote a poem once and that really helped but this time I am so angry towards my OCD. I hate it so much. I asked myself tonight "Why can't I live a normal life like everyone else?". A question I feel many of us have asked ourselves. But I know I am blessed with the life I have. God has blessed me with my family and friends. He lead me to counselors who saved my life. He led me to NOCD where I found the best counselor in the world. Sad I am no longer seeing her due to my insurance not being accepted but I am still working. I don't like using the word "normal" because we are normal. Our OCD doesn't make us "monsters" or any less than anyone else. Guys, if you do read this, I apologize that is was not an easy read. But I feel I can share what I go through on here because no matter what type of OCD we all deal with, we can relate. I love you all and I'm proud of you guys. We are on this app and that is a huge plus. NOCD is a blessing. Guys, let's keep working. We can and WILL get through this. ❤️.

Just gotta vent bc jfc am I so tired of this. Needa let it off my chest yu know ?? I'm so sick and tired of all these things. I can move on and be like ah who cares about that thought, it isn't real, trust me. And then BAM new false memory. Idk if anyone else gets it like me but I mean I always feel alone in these things. Heres how mine goes. An example will be last night. I'm cleaning my room. I decide to clean my desk. Sit on my chair. Stand up. Look at my chair. My mind immediatey goes "something happened here with someone younger." Then it'll show me sitting down holding a child, ok so theres me holding a child now what mind ? Oh ok now my mind is telling me I did something to that younger person. Great. And it seems real because its a major possibility ? Great thank you and whats this ? Oh anxiety ? GREAT this is great and because uncertainty is so good for false memory, it'll continue. And continue. And continue. Idk I'll just look at things, places, people. Example again would be a bathroom. I've brought someone in there. I see someone younger oh you've done this to them, hered a memory. I had a harmless memory recently that felt like those false memories which really like scrapped them all away almost instantly LMAO even though that harmless one I'm still trying to figure out but eh lets see if I get another harmless one but who cares. Now though what I also get are like ideas ? In a sense. So right now again I saw people younger than me, I am VERY afraid of bumping into them because I got a false memory that I did something to one of them at my work recently (god if I could check cameras I would). But again the harmless thought felt exactly like that and how there woukd just be a simple image in a sense but nothing is happening. Anyways back to the false idea. My mind is now saying I have bumped into younger people in the past, I've said sorry, they believe that I am sorry so they don't think twice about it, BUT MY INTENTIONS were for something terrible. Yeah. So this isn't a memory, its an intention I would constantly "do." And because its something I would "do" I obviously wouldn't remember much because it would have been a habit. They would not know, their parents wouldn't know. No one around would know. And I'm also getting it with my best friends sibling with this so its like so hard to not fucking confess on these shits. I know if I talk to them about it they'll be on edge too. Ugh. I will say alot of my false memories/thoughts/ideas would be of things hidden that no one would ever know sooo yeah. I just hate this really. I really freaking wish I got that certainty that I never did these things. That I know myself. Idk its hard. But anyways just had to vent. Hope everyone's day went well, what did you guys do today ? 🫂💕

It feels like the ocd has gotten to a point where it's just there in the background at all times. Even if im not having some POCD related thought it's like it's just taken away a part of me I feel i can't get back. I still go through the motions and try to joke around and be silly like i would normally. But its just hard to always feel this anxiety and uncertainty in the background. Sure, i can handle it. But what is that worth when you're just handling a slow persistent torture. Everywhere i go it's like i can't connect, seeing others happy and seemingly carefree makes me feel like an alien. Every morning for 8 months the OCD pops in within the first minute of the day. Doesn't have to even be a thought around POCD, though it usually is. Its just the general thought that i have this thing that i can't seem to get rid of and its making me a lesser version of myself. And on top of it all, i can't truly know if its OCD. Since its more "Pure-O" it feels hard to relate to others and their experiences with OCD. Just such a damn mess. This has happened before with other themes but this POCD thing feels like a demon on steroids.

I have the most awful thoughts about my boyfriend and I’m so scared he’s going to leave me and he is one of the top most important things in my whole life. He is not just my boyfriend. He is my life partner and the father of our daughter. He is truly my everything. But I have such bad thoughts/feelings that make me feel a type of way and I feel like I start to truly believe and I’m horrible for that.