Welcome to
the NOCD Community

The intrusive thoughts aren’t even causing that much anxiety now I’m just getting extremely sad that I’m still going through this a year into my relationship

Hi, i don’t know if this is rOCD or not but here is my story…. we’ve been together for almost year and 6 months and i was never more in love with somebody as I’m with him. he is everything i ever wanted. during our “honeymoon phase” of relationship i felt all those butterflies, love, fulfilment but all of the sudden, just in one night, everything changed. that night the thought that crossed my mind was: “ what if i don’t love him and i want to break up.” then panic attackt came. from that day, i’m having intrusive and unwanted, intense obsessive thoughts about rightness and certainty of my relationship. i’m constantly doubting my feelings towards my boyfriend. “Do i love him enough?” , “is he a right person for me?” , “what if i lose feelings for him?” , “what if i loss feelings?” , “what if i want to break up but i don’t know how to?” , “what if i’m not attracted to him anymore, do i see him ugly?, “what if i cheat?” and so on. after all those questions i NEED an instant answer. is it right, is he the one, will we be together forever?, will we have kids together?,…i was seeking for reassurance with constant googling thinks like “do i love my partner” , “ is my partner enough” or “is it time for break up”. solving these quizzes i was praying that results will say “don’t break up, you love each other, he is the one”. after that i would be in temporary relief. after some time another thought or trigger would come and the cycle would go again; obsessive thinking, panic attacks, anxiety,…. every day, all day i’m just thinking about that and i have feelings of deep shame and guilt, i would feel numb and like something is wrong with me. also i would just start to cry and i would be very sad, than after i found reassurance that my relationship is fine, i would be relived and happy. of course, after million google researches i found the term rOCD which stands for relationship obsessive compulsive disorder and relationship anxiety. more precisely, i found a website “awaken into love” whose founder is Kyiomi. a woman who experienced all my thoughts and feelings. i felt so happy knowing i’m not the only one because i was sure that something was wrong with me. i told to my mom and sister what thoughts i’m having, and all what my mom told me was “than you should break up”. i was so miserable. i didn’t want to hear anything about breaking up, i just wanted someone to tell me “lucija you don’t want to do ja that!” . i was scared. no one understood me, and seeing a lot’s of other people having exact same problem as i do, made me feel much more better. i was researching, i watched yt videos and everything about rOCD and it helped me but not for too long. thoughts came back, numb feelings and anxiety came back and now i’m feeling like there is no escape. constantly thinking about rightness of my relationship even when i know that i wouldn’t act this way. moreover, if i want a break up i wouldn’t be needy, emotional or even relived when i see him in person. probably i wouldn’t want to see him at all. he is my safe place. my home. and now saying that, i’m feeling like i’m lying to myself and to him, but deep down i know I’m not. i just can’t wait to see him again. a lot of the time i find myself obsessively looking at his photos on my phone to make sure i’m attracted to him and if in some photos he is less attractive, i find myself being overwhelmed and anxious. but, on the other and hand, if i find him attractive in some photos i would be happy but instant trigger would come “you’re lying to your self”. because of my thoughts and feelings i feel a lot of distance between my boyfriend and me, even if we love each other and we are having same values and aspects of view at our common future. i’m having a fear of abandonment, a fear of losing my partner, a fear of loss, i have a deep fear of losing someone i care most about. can please someone just tell me if this is what i truly hope it is, i don’t want to lose the most important person in my life:(

So, I don't know if anyone has issues with this or not or if it is OCD, but I had a huge fight with my dad about this last night. So, I am 29 years old and ever since I graduated high school, I have been obsessed over how young or old I look. People have told me this past year different ages and mostly I want them to tell me I look like a kid. I was told last year by a couple people that I look 19 and two other people said I looked 14 or 15 and so over the years people have told me how look really young for my age and I decided why not pretend I am that age. Why not embrace? Me and my dad have gotten in many fights about this, and he tells me that it is delusional, but I don't think so. Tonight, I was arguing with him to please call me a girl and he would not do it and it drives me insane that I wanted to kill myself over this. I feel like I deserve to relive my childhood since I have been going through this OCD thing for 13 years. I live at home with my parents because of the debilitating nature of my OCD and I want to do things like a job and make some friends, but I feel like I am nowhere near moving out. This thing about the age thing is something that drives me crazy whenever I tell my parents I am a teenager, or I am not at the maturity level of a 29-year-old. I know this all sounds crazy, but it is just how I feel. I would rather look fourteen any day than my age. Also, if I dated someone, I would like them to be in their early 20s because that is what I prefer. Please don't tell me to grow up or anything because that never helps me. Please kind comments. Thanks.

I’m going to post a couple parts because I don’t want to bore anyone or make people read a bunch of content at once. so, I’m a 14 y/o girl and I’ve had what I presume to be ocd for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, it wasn’t too serious, just intrusive thoughts mostly, and repeatedly asking my mom for reassurance (I was too young to even consider ocd and just thought I was crazy). I’ve been to therapy one time when I was around 9. The therapist didn’t seem to think I had ocd because I never mentioned any compulsions (didn’t consider reassurance seeking a compulsion). Since then, the thoughts went away for awhile and I was good. Up until quarantine, so 2021 ish. I was alone a lot and had a lot of time to think and worry and all that. The first theme I can remember at that time was SO OCD or Hocd. I was constantly researching, crying, stressing, asking people that know me if I seemed homosexual at all. * I have no problems with homosexuality or being homosexual, it was just the uncertainty and “what if” that drove me crazy. I was so depressed, I lost five pounds in a span of days because I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t talking care of myself, I didn’t even get out of bed. This started because I was watching a video of two female celebrity friends and a lot of people ship them, I started reading YouTube comments and people said that they were how they had the courage to come out. That scared me because if they were making people come out, did that mean that because I liked them that I needed to come out too (or was in the closet). I’ve never had feelings for a girl so this just confused me if anything. From here, I would read the comments in every video and made sure that I didn’t agree or relate to any comments that could mean I was homosexual ( again, this is hard to talk about bc the last thing I want is to sound homophobic because I’m not, I think love is a beautiful thing and everyone deserves to feel it with whoever they want; I whole heartedly believe that). I was so worried that I was and I was telling myself I had been hiding or in denial and wasn’t ever truly me and that’s the part that scared me. I got over it by telling myself to just be and if I am, I am and there’s nothing I can do about that but ultimately; I get to decide who I am, and who I want to be with. If you have any advice on this part, please comment and i am writing part 2 right now, you don’t have to read it but I really do need as much advice as I can get. If you’ve read this much, thank you💚

I feel like everything in my past tell me that my theme is real.

OKAYYY! So I like to think everyone has someone they just look forward to right? And that person makes them the happiest ever. Anywho mine is Harry styles. I LOVE HIM SO BAD! He always makes me feel better. He makes you feel heard and seen (which I love). I mean his moto is “treat people with kindness” come on🤭. He’s just amazing. I could talk about him for hours on end. I just love him so much. ❤️❤️ He makes me what to keep going and wake up and start a new day! He makes my life a little bit easier. I hope he knows that he really did and is saving my life for just being himself and being here💗💟

Anyone have this theme? For me it means being uncomfortable at every small mistake I’ve made in life and feeling the need to confess to others. If you have this theme how do you cope plz?

I desperately want to hire a cleaner to help me with my house, but am very afraid to do so. I am afraid that they will remove their mask without telling me (we require anyone who comes in to wear an N95 mask because we have immunocompromised family members) I am afraid they will do something gross, like using the same cleaning cloth to wipe the toilet and the sink. I do everything in such a particular order to avoid contamination -- obviously I can't ask a cleaner to replicate that. I am afraid the process will kick too much dust into the air and my wife's allergies will be really bad (this one is easily solved -- the dust will settle, she can just wear a mask for a little while after the cleaner leaves, but it still gives me a bit of anxiety) I am afraid they will throw things away (that are not trash) or steal things (I have had both of these happen before). I am afraid that they will be judgemental. I am afraid that they will dry something in the dryer that should be hung to dry and that my favorite clothes will be ruined. I am afraid that they will not follow instructions about which doors not to open an that a pet will be let outside and hit by a car. I'm afraid they will hurt a person or pet. We have food allergies and cross contamination is a big concern -- I am afraid they will have allergens on their clothes or body and then our whole house will be contaminated. I'm afraid that they won't wash their hands properly after using the bathroom or touching the toilet, and then our whole house will be contaminated. I'm afraid that I will have to many particular requests (wear a mask, don't let the pets outside, wash your hands, wear an apron, use our eco-friendly cat-safe cleaning products, don't use this one on the marble, don't use this one on the stainless steel, ask me before throwing anything out....etc.) and that I will annoy them. I'm afraid that they will say that everything is too cluttered and that they can't help, or that they will be overwhelmed, or upset, or that it will cost a ton of money because it takes longer than estimated. Our house isn't horribly cluttered or dirty, but it definitely looks like the home of someone who is behind on everything. I hate feeling this way. I have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia and am behind on so many things. I just want the help, but I want to be able to control every aspect of how that help happens. And I hate that I can't. And I'm embarrassed for wanting to. I know that if I were to hire someone to help me tidy and clean I will probably feel SO much better after its done. Has anyone else felt this way? Did you get over the hurdle? What happened?

Hey everyone! I’m new to this app and wanted to share my story and maybe get some advice from y’all. So up until all of this started, I pretty much was boy crazy (my first crush on a boy was at 7 years old) and had never thought about being with a girl at all. I haven’t been officially diagnosed but am working on what I feel is hocd. Anyways the thoughts started out as concerns about my relationship with my boyfriend. I also went through a big depressive episode because of school that really effected my self confidence. One night my roommate had a tv show about gay people on tv and that’s where the thoughts started. My brain has analyzed past events and tried to use that as evidence to say that I’m gay/bi or it even tried to latch onto my best friend that I’ve known since my freshman year of college. I’ve also dealt with my brain trying to check if I find them attractive or not (which if I don’t at first my brain tries to convince me I do. At some points my brain just screams BI at me all the time. I’ve noticed when I’m busy that I tend to not have as much of these thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship have also popped up but have been not as loud of a voice in my head. Even last week when I saw my boyfriend again he gave me a hug and I just felt so happy and in love. I’ve always dreamt of a normal life (husband and kids) and when I think about my boyfriend and I getting married it makes me really happy but I’m scared I’m not gonna have that and I’m gonna lose my boyfriend which I don’t want to happen since we worked so hard to get back together. Any advice from y’all?

I saw a TikTok last night that was about a woman who broke up with her boyfriend because she wasn’t happy and she just loved him, she wasn’t “in love” with him. The comments were made up of lots of other women who broke up for the same reasons. I found this really triggering and now I can’t forget about it because I’ve always worried I’m not in love with my boyfriend. I’ve had little in love moments scattered throughout my relationship and I guess because my anxiety ruined any infatuation I had at the beginning, I now don’t believe I’m “in love”. In my mind infatuation = being in love. Therefore, my relationship is invalid and I need to break up like in the TikTok. Can’t believe I’m still here with this theme after a whole year with him. I thought it’d be gone by now :(

Hi guys, So my gf and I were having a tough conversation about my OCD, and she’s been trying so hard to push for our relationship together despite my OCD, and so she finally said “as long as your interactions with females aren’t threatening our relationship, then it’s okay. For example, if I was developing feelings for a guy at work, obviously I’d come to tell you, because that threatens our relationship.” So then I was really bothered, and she asked why, and I lied and said it was something else. I lied. The reason I was bothered is because I had actually had a mild crush on a female coworker last year, during my internship. I think we were slightly flirty, nothing sexual, no sexting, cheating, kissing, etc. but at times flirty (laughing and talking a lot, getting along really well, teasing) and I did like being around her. As my internship went on, I began to distance myself from her, bc I started feeling guilty. One time, I remember I bought her like a snack from a restaurant when I brought food. I don’t remember if I specifically bought the snack for her (I feel like I wouldn’t do that, but I’m not sure), because I remember asking another one of my coworkers first if she wanted the snack. That coworker said no, so then I gave it to the coworker I had a mild crush on. But did I intentionally ask someone who I knew would say no, so I could give it to the crush guilt free? And admittedly a part of me did feel good buying that snack for her, like oh she noticed me. Even typing it out makes me feel so shitty that I was attention seeking from this girl when I had a lovely girlfriend, but I’m man enough to face my mistakes and fears. I don’t know. Basically, I lied to my girlfriend. We just agreed on the boundaries she mentioned, and she said if she had feelings for a guy at work she would tell me. I had a mild crush/attraction for a female coworker a year ago (during my relationship with my gf) and was flirty but not sexual, and ended up buying a snack for her (still don’t remember if it was intentionally for her or not, but I did feel good and buying the snack for her felt flirty ). Should I confess or not? Confession is one of my compulsions, but I feel guilty not telling her. I love her, and I know this will hurt her a lot, but I just want to do the right thing. By not telling her I’m lying by omission, and I’m continuing my lie earlier today when I basically agreed with her rules and saying it didn’t bother me. I hate lying to her.

Hey! When telling y’all’s partner about your ROCD and treatment plan, do you guys tell your partner about what type of treatment you’re going through, like what ERP will be entailing? I’m about to tell my boyfriend about my diagnosis tomorrow, and i think it’d be nice for him to know what will be my treatment plan, but i worry that if I tell him he will be worrying whether I get worse or not, or worrying if I’ll be having a bad spike, etc. I’m just worried that it’ll take a toll on his mental health and have him constantly worrying about me and us

I experience extreme discomfort when hearing people chew, or seeing others tao their leg. I also face unreasonable anger when being lightly touched, ex: being poked/grazed/even a light touch on the shoulder. Like the touch lingers and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I even feel the need to attack the spot where I was touched or ‘wipe it off.” Even now I get angry just thinking about someone lightly touching me. I also get annoyed when I hear the sound of others breathing, or seeing a light in the corner of my eye. I’ve been like this since I was small. Can anyone relate? Is this related to ocd or possibly another mental health disorder?

TW: could possibly be reassurance fulfilling Something I see a lot with the straight guys on here struggling with HOCD is that they at one point we’re fully attracted to and had feelings for women, and it didn’t make them uncomfortable, and now that’s flipped to men, and those body responses and feelings make them anxious and uncomfortable. And now those thoughts and feelings don’t make them anxious or as much, so they’re assuming it’s real and they’re just coming “out of denial” and they’ll say they don’t have attraction to women anymore, despite having a history of happy attraction to women I actually am gay, and as such I’ve known many gay and bi men my entire life. Like literally dozens. And there has never been one sentiment of that, including me. I never had any sort of romantic or sexual feelings towards women. My friends and neighbors were convinced I had a big crush on my female neighbor because we were close friends, and I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. Guys would start to talk in middle school about who the “hottest” girls are and like, I couldn’t even bring myself to compare girls like that because that’s not how I saw them. When I eventually was like oh, I’m attracted to men, I was scared of how people were going to see me and how my family was going to react, but I wasn’t anxious about the thoughts and feelings I was having about men. The thought of being with a man was exciting, the thought of living with the consequences of homophobia was not. I think because there’s a lot of talk about “sexuality is fluid” “gender is a spectrum” online, it can fuel a lot of HOCD because it adds even more uncertainty to a topic that already has no certainty as it is. When people talk about sexuality being fluid, they’re usually talking about one’s ability to have their libido, perspective of gender, different body types etc can fluctuate over years at a time because of new societal norms, acceptance of new ideas and ways of being, etc. they’re not saying that one year you’ll be straight, then suddenly you’re gay, then it goes back again, then guess what you’re bi. Now you’re straight again. This doesn’t really happen. So basically, the idea of being fully attracted to women, that shutting off, and quite literally just “turning” gay isn’t an experience I’ve ever come across in the gay community. I don’t see want this to be seen as reassurance of “all actually gay males experience ____” and more the experience that’s being described isn’t something I’ve personally come across within people who identify and life being gay. If having same sex thoughts isn’t giving you anxiety anymore, let that run. It’s possible you could be gay. It’s also possible you could be on the way to recovery. The future is uncertain and you have to work to accept that and hold true to the identity you feel most happy and comfortable with.

Im really believing that Im so much different than you guys at the moment like you are always obsessing and having anxiety which leads you to compulsion , I have much less anxiety cause Im really certain for something I believed I wasnt , believing Im straight is literally hard for myself cause whenever I try to ask myself if Im straight I always get the negative answer , with all the feelings the arousal and the proofs that it has given seem to be more obvious than I suspect , I know that people with Hocd know that they are straight but they get disturbed by the thoughts they have cause they know its wrong in their nature while me on the other hand feels like my whole identity has changed and being gay is the only option which makes it impossible to accept the uncertainty , Im like wanting to be straight over and over but still I feel like theres no other way out of this , the groinals and the arousals are just too real to be false , people with hocd know that they will never get aroused by a thought or fantasy that is against their orientation while me on the other hand gets those feelings even if I want them gone , its like even the feelings that I used to use them as “tools” for “reassurance” have a new meaning for me that I didnt realize , one of the main questions is that if I get ERP or the treatment I need will I start to believe Im straight again?

so, i have tocd. but everytime i feel like i’m like in denial. i don’t want to be trans and i feel great being a woman. but every time i’m confident in my body and being myself it’s like, “yeah you’re in denial”, “you want to be masc” and then is like nah shut up ocd. but it’s always the same. i thought i had gender dysphoria but my therapist told me that wasn’t and that i was definitely not transgender bc i told him how much i loved being a girl and doing girly stuff but then is like “WHAT IF YOU’RE LYING TO HIM AND YOURE TRANS” literally why would i lie to my therapist 😭 but sometimes i think i’m just faking everything and i don’t even k have ocd. so i look up on google like “am i on denial?” and they’re like yeah you are 👍🏼 ugh i really want to be a girl i’m not even interested in being a guy. what do y’all think? i feel bad BAD and meds aren’t quite working yet :( so it’s just me and my thoughts

Does anyone feel like stuff you did in your past means you have no choice but to be bi or lesbian? I think that is why I’m so scared and feel so alone. I don’t want to be bi or lesbian or be with women but because of my past I feel like I have no choice but to because there is no explanation for the stuff I did other than the fact that I’m at least bi or lesbian

Extra trigger warning for POCD cause what I’m going to talk about is highly disturbing. Like, for real. I had POCD start to surface when someone close to me was born. I have a hard time relating to and socializing with people and I always have, but my love for my him was amazing, and helped me turn around a few bad habits in myself so I could make sure I could be there for him But I quickly realized how I had internalized the message homophobes give in that gay men are dangerous to children and would feel very anxious changing him or if he was being bathed by his parents. I won’t bathe him and I try my best not to be the one to change him (I live with him and his parents) because the thought of touching him while naked was giving me anxiety, and it of course worked it’s to way to unspeakable intrusive thoughts I learned about POCD and tried to simply not give the anxious thoughts attention and just go about my life and it was working okay for a few months But recently I’ve started to have the most horrible dreams that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. The first I was uhh… uncontrollably “finishing” with him in the room and then a literal snake came out of me. That sent me on a five hour panic attack spiral and I couldn’t look anyone in my family in the eye for a week or so. Then on the second one, I was in the bath with him, not doing anything just in the bath with him. And my family “caught” me, wouldn’t even give me a chance to explain that I was just giving him a bath. and both his family sides were relentlessly judging me and threatening me And the third dream was the most intense realistic and vivid dream I’ve ever had in my life. I know it was a false memory but it felt like a forgotten memory, and it was me as a young baby being held captive by some man in an orange shirt, he felt like a neighbor or someone familiar. I know none of it ever happened but I could feel it in my body in real time as the dream was happening it was the craziest experience of my entire life I’m a very objective person. I know what I’m afraid of here, where the fear stems from, and that none of these thoughts or feelings are true. And yet… the OCD continues. In fact, it’s gotten worse. The intrusive thoughts used to only be about this specific child; now it’s about random children in public. Any time a stranger stares at me I think “they know and they’re going to tell”. I don’t even know what I want to accomplish with this. I just feel like I had to get it off my chest because obviously I can’t talk about any of this with my family. I’m just glad there’s a space available with people who understand. I would seriously rather be terminally ill than to have POCD

As I write this, I am edging a panic attack. Life around me hasn’t felt real for four days now. This isn’t new, however. As a child, I suffered from just right OCD and harm OCD. If something didn’t happen the way my OCD wanted it to happen, then my dad was going to die… It was stupid at the time, and it is stupid now. I forced myself into nightly patterned routines, having to do them just perfectly each time or else my dad wouldn’t be there to wake me up for school the next day. This battle went on for at least 12 years. Soon enough, life ran its course and my father passed away. My OCD didn’t disappear… it was simply shocked, confused, stunned. “If dad is already dead, then why do I need to keep doing these patterns?” I was able to kick that theme for a short time. 2 years later, my OCD stormed back into my life at full-force. During those two years, I did struggle with minuscule things such as doing things evenly. Touching something with my right hand if I touched it with my left, scratching my right arm in the same place I scratched my left, etc. But never in those two years did I have any intrusive thoughts about relatives or friends dying because I didn’t perform a routine. No… it got worse. Existential OCD is the worst experience I have had. I don’t think I coped with my dad’s passing well. He was my best friend. I kind of dodged and real grieving. I cried until I threw up here and there, but never really sat down with the issue. I had a college degree to achieve and a new onslaught of bills to pay for. I also fell in love with outer space. Researching planets, stars, galaxies, black holes. I still am a huge space junkie. But those two things have fed my OCD nonstop. I suffer from extreme depersonalization/derealization in week long terms. Even now, I feel no attachment to reality, emotions, feelings, myself. I just looked in the mirror and almost gave myself a panic attack because I wasn’t sure what I was looking at. If that was really me. If I even do truly exist. The most frightening feeling of the existential OCD that no other theme has made me feel is the inability to leave my house. It has made me completely unable to work away from home, enjoy nice dinners at restaurants, or even go bowling or shoot hoops. I dread and fear leaving the house. Reality doesn’t feel real. My intrusive thoughts debilitate me and strap me to my bedroom. I question everything, and I am changing from this OCD theme. I hate this so much. The anxiety that comes with simply thinking about leaving the house is so severe and stressful. I once was the most extroverted person you would ever meet. Now, I am in an extremely depressive state because I can’t leave my house. Every day is the same. I do the same thing every day and have nothing to look forward to because I cannot leave my house. The depression brings upon such vulgar intrusive thoughts. Makes me feel like my life is worthless and hopeless. However, I know that is not the case. Even though I do not have much feelings of excitement, I know that I have exciting things to come in life. Tomorrow, well later today, I start ERP. I refuse to take medication as of right now because of family history with anti-anxiety & anti-depressant medications. It is how I lost my dad. However, I am hopeful that ERP works. I have heard miraculous things about it. Wish me luck… and I extend the same well wishes to those also along this journey. I want to get better. I want to get my old life back where I could live on my own and be able to just be bored without being anxious and panicked. I look forward to the future, even though the thought of it seems uncertain and gloomy. Thank you for reading.

ok so the first time i was like experiencing like a thing kinda, i think its called an episode, was before i thought i had any sort of anxiety disorder and i remember i used to watch a lot pf people reacting to "To Catch A Predator" episodes and it was nice until i had this idea or feeling of wondering if in the future i was gonna be like that and then i got scared and was like suppressing the thought as much as i could. and it kept bugging me for ages like at least 3 weeks where i was just constantly terrified of the fact of me being a predator in the future someday and i would get nervous and start checking myself whenever i saw a kid and then i started getting that anxiety thing (not gonna explain it but iykyk) and it just like made my anxiety way worse but over time i finally got over when i found out about the anxiety thing. but then i had another whole thing that was like a whole mess with bits of harm ocd, pocd, sh ocd, incest ocd, sexual orientation ocd and like worrying over what everyone thought of me too.(still going through it today) it was awful and torturous and i hated myself and i was just so confused on why im getting these thoughts and if there was something wrong with me or i wasnt normal and a danger to everyone until i was asking my dad if he ever had thoughts of "being a bad person basically" a lot and he mentioned something like "maybe you have ocd idk" he wasnt exactly serious but i started thinking about and then i was looking into and id never felt more included and safe then i did when i started reading about it and how theres others like me and im not like a danger or anything and i was reading all kinds of things about it and it was iust getting even more relatable, so then i asked my parents about it and if i could like get any help with it or at least a diagnosis just to see if im correct but they said that like i probably dont and people who have it suffer a lot and it affects their everyday life drastically or that ill just grow out of it and its just hormones and growing up. and at the time i hadnt rly thought about how it was affecting my life yet and i think the only thing i remember is that it was just extremely distressing and i was just terrified of myself most of the time and i didnt rly know if that was enough to call it ocd but i thought that it was because i was obsessing over things and i had compulsions such as scratching myself, poking myself, pulling my skin, fidgeting, downloading games and looking onto social media a lot, not looking at peoples faces, biting my lip, repeating religious phrases and more. and so i tried telling my siblings but they didnt think i had it that much, so i kinda went quiet about it for a bit. but then there were these times when my family would make jokes about me worrying over dumb stuff like about the food or the shows and so i got a bit fed up one day and asked my dad to stop making these jokes about me and that these obsessing are literally what i was trying to tell you about before and that its something that i cant rly control but then like idk why but everyone kinda got mad at me and i was mad at them and later that night i asked my older sister whom i share a room with about the whole thing and she was just super angry for some reason and she said that i was playing the victim and stuff but like i swear i wasnt tho because i was just trying to say "can you not joke about about this please" and i was like all quiet even but then my dad got real loud when he was talking and everyone could hear. and then in the morning i tried my best to be like hidden kinda because i didnt know what to think and i thought i embarrassed myself so much but i was still confused on why my sister was mad at me so i asked her again and she said that its basically because earlier i guess they were talking about my dad potentially getting laid off and having to save money incase something happens i guess but then i just come up here and ask him to not talk about this and to maybe like get some help or a diagnosis which costs money and also nobody told me about this i barely knew anything, but my sister said sorry and that she overreacted a bit and we were fine now but i still dont get why my dad was angry or wouldnt let me see someone and i decided that i dont rly need a diagnosis and that i could handle this myself and so i just shut up about it till today which is like around 4 months after it happened. it has gotten worse and i dont have that much support with me besides like a half dead discord server i post rants on and a few friends that ive told about this. i have started to like make notes on like my obsessions and compulsions and the ways it affects my daily life like just incase i get the courage to maybe ask my dad again idk. tbh im still not sure i have ocd because ive only been aware of it for like 6 months and i hadnt rly had moments when i was a small child that i remembered about me having it but i do know a few but theyre hard to remember, but idk if its enough and like i am also still a child and i dont know if it really is just the growing up process and its nothing rly. but there are also times when ive had like lots pf health scares and scared my parents when i was younger like i used to think i had cancer or a tumor that now that i think about were probably times when i had ocd as im writing this. but even if i did i still dont rly know how i would get help for it, like how do i ask my parents without asking them because i just really do not want to bring up ocd around them because then they might not take me maybe idk. i also dont rly know what would happen once i did go to someone, like if i got diagnosed then what yk, like my family would take me seriously ig but what would that do cuz like they've kinda stopped making the jokes about me worrying over dumb things, ig id be able to be more open about it and use it to explain my weird habits. or maybe i would find out that maybe i dont have ocd and its something else or it's literally just nothing even idkkk