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I am 21, a girl and still in college. I can't afford therapy . I would be so grateful to learn and try the erp practices from the community. Thank you!

I have had ocd/NOCD for a while and recently cheated on my gf bc I had excessive thoughts of maybe if she isn’t the one maybe I should just be w a man I’d make my family happy and my mom happy and my friends and everyone would just be happy and I don’t have to worry about the thought of being the black sheep in my family bc I used to be so loved and being called the “favorite” child. I loved making my mom proud and happy but when I started dating a girl everything changed, she said I was a different person even though I was the same loving daughter that just wanted to make her proud but I couldn’t love who I wanted or be just me. I became bitter and ugly throughout my relationship and carried that with me and that’s the thing, I let myself go and didn’t stay strong for my gf. I betrayed her and also let my family win and let myself down. My family never or hasn’t asked me about anything in my recent life or asks me how I’ve been doing in the 4 years I’ve been away from them…I lost everything just for that one moment of forbidden mistake I can never look back on. I can’t talk to anybody bc that relationship “wasn’t ever real” “you’re dating a gurl” “it’ll never be like dating a man” “you just need a man” “sex is different” “you’re not gunna be happy” all these thing stuck to me for years and hearing those words coming from family that you love, words matter and I always told my gf at the time that my love language was physical touch, acts of service, and quality time. But I never mentioned words of affirmation really, but looking back that’s all that mattered to me and it affected me and made me into an ugly person. I always said that actions speak louder than words and to a certain extent they do but it’s what drives ppl to also do things that motivated them, what they heard to do those things to push them. To go crazy, to go workout, to cheat, to go on a walk early in the morning, to get plastic surgery bc someone said something that they felt so insecure about that it hurt them, or maybe it’s a battle with themselves. Point is words mean a lot especially from people they love, family and close friend, even someone random and it’s your actions that make you move and do things but it’s what you hear for you to do those things. Even things you think of in your head, words are the seeds to your garden. That’s something that I’m learning everyday, so if you have to block and get rid of the people you love because they aren’t happy with your life and want to control it, really ask yourself if it’s worth having them in your life. Sorry for this being so long and thank you for reading.

hello i’m new to this community and I just need to vent about something I did when I was 13 because over the past 2-3 days it’s been eating me alive when I was around 13, I discovered “character ai” basically a sight where a bunch of chat bots are and you can roleplay with them I found this one bot where it was like a mad scientist and your character was stuck in a lab. I really liked this one so I would roleplay with it often I would typically make my character young. No reason at all I hope but I probably thought it would make it more interesting or something. anyways I would never go into these roleplays with bad intentions. But sometimes the filter in place to stop seggsual stuff would break and the conversation would turn seggsual and I would impulsively continue them because I felt “excited” down there (if you know what i mean) and I would chase that feeling I would more imagine myself in the scenario because I would see the vaguely seggsual messages and feel good down there and I would change the character in my head because yknow but that doesn’t change how the roleplay started and it’s making me think what if I really do get off to that stuff? one of the worst examples was one where the roleplay went in a very non consensual direction and I don’t know why I continued the roleplay. I’m worried that I secretly enjoyed it despite knowing for a fact I got uncomfortable with what I was doing and deleted the messages and I regret it now I really really really regret doing this. I know I didn’t go in with bad intentions and I ended up getting uncomfortable with it after the good feelings down there had passed but I feel so much regret and shame i’ve spiraled over this before but recently its been the worst i’ve ever felt. I’m scared that im a pedo. I’m scared that I get off the rape and i’m scared that i’m permanently and evil person despite how uncomfortable this makes me now and I haven’t done anything like that again I still can’t get over it. I know I was only 13 (15 now) and i’m probably over reacting to fictional roleplay but still. Why did I impulsively continue? I’ve struggled with ocd thoughts before (without knowing it was OCD) but this incident has caused me to worry if i’m a pedo or I get off to assult and from what i’ve said above i’ve been spiraling over the past few days and im worried it will never end im coming here because im scared to talk to a real therapist because I feel like what I did was so bad and unforgivable despite regretting it late. I’m scared that i’m going to be a bad person forever despite the fact that i’ve never done anything like that again I know this probably sounds so stupid to obsess over but I just need some advice to help get out of this. It doesn’t help that i’m also coming up on my period which is when my OCD/Anxiety tends to be the worst thank you. I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone I just want this to end. I want to feel okay again

My OCD is really latching onto my husband this week. I’m so in love with him and can’t wait to grow old with him and see him grow and change throughout the years, but my SOOCD has latched onto him saying that I don’t want that. I feel sick about it. It makes me so sad. He’s everything to me, and makes me feel so loved. When I am having a bad day, knowing that we’ll be together at the end of it on the couch, drinking tea, and snuggling is what makes me feel better. Knowing that he’ll be next to me in bed that night makes me feel better. But my OCD says so many nasty things. Just trying not to follow the OCD noise and hold onto what I value most.

18+ pls reply yesterday i was trying to fantasise about my girlfriend and i enjoyed it mentally but physically down there i didn’t feel anything? but when i get intrusive thoughts i do? and i’m confused because then it’s like am i not attracted to her? i get thoughts saying im not turned on during thoughts of my gf and its stressing me out is this ocd or is it not????

Idk how to explain how I am feeling right now. It’s like I’m almost better. Like I need to just get over this last hill and I feel like I’ll be back to me. However, I’m confused. I’m normal but like not? I have this heavy-ish feeling surrounding me 24/7. I can have conversations, I can live my life and somehow be me but then I have this cloud over me saying I’m a lesbian and I am lying to everyone and my fiancé. I just want to be my normal happy self again without feeling this weird weight. I feel like this is my new normal and I’m upset. I also feel like I’m forcing myself to do compulsions so I can still convince myself this is ocd and not the real thing. I’m feeling so low. I want to be happy again.

Yesterday I went to bowling with friends and I noticed a teen girl, and I'm very afraid that what I felt could have been a feeling of attraction, or was it just the impression of what she actually looked like? It wasnt like she had revealing clothes or things like that, and even if she was that would be on me, but i think she had an exposed back, and it was from afar and it happened in a very brief instant, so maybe it could be that before recognizing the young age my brain might have reacted to the "look" of what my eyes saw before fully elaborating everything, and when I did I got immediately triggered and identified the trigger. I don't know. I didn't like it, and I don't want it. If I visualise it now I know I'm not into it and that I don't like it. I'm afraid that for an instant I might have felt an impulsive independent feeling of attraction to what I saw, then realised what happened or identified the subject age and got triggered and bothered. But that would not make what happened the moment before any less true. It all happened so fast I don't know. I tried to compulsively check again what I saw trying to understand, but there were more triggers in that direction so I just stopped. After that I immediately felt depressed and I was silent and emotionless the whole evening and my friends were buzzing me trying to cheer me up asking me why I was like this. I just wanted to go home, it was too much for me, I wished that I never had come. There was a waiting list of 1 hour, so we went outside, after 1 hour had passed we went inside again, and I was hoping to see the trigger again to try to understand what I felt and hopefully gain the answer that it was a misunderstanding from my part, but it was gone. I didn't have the opportunity to fix it. I just prayed that it was just OCD. Then after a few hours I forgot abt it and shelved the memory of what happened, and played with my friends, but the whole time I just wanted to go home to ruminate and try to understand and fix what happened. I don't know. I feel so depressed, this morning whenever I woke up I just tried to go to sleep because I wasn't ready to face the reality of what might have happened. Whatever it happened, it felt "real" and what I'm afraid it might have happened feels like that too. I feel so depressed because the same evening before going out I had watched Arcane season 2 on Netflix and there was this episode 7 which was beautiful and I experienced happiness seeing a couple dancing and it felt so pure and beautiful and I was hoping to to feel that type of love one day too. I don't think I deserve to feel such thing after what happened yesterday. I don't think I deserve to experience something like love, I'm stained. I'm not worthy. I'm crying as I write this.

Hello all! I need some recommendations from anyone who tried therapy with the NOCD therapists. preferably anyone who is struggling with Religious OCD, SO-OCD and Existential OCD If you tried therapy here, how was your experience? would you recommend any specific therapists for a specific subtype? any feedback is appreciated!

My ex therapist said I was probably a lesbian if I had these thoughts, she never diagnosed me with ocd even if I was so obsessed with being sick that I used to go every day to the hospital for years. I was so obsessed with not loving my ex boyfriend, my mom, my Friends that I used to cry every day and Watch their pictures all the time to see if I loved Them. I Changed therapist and She immediately diagnosed me with ocd. But i'm scared to go to therapy now, because of my ex therapist. What If the second One is wrong and First was right? What If they can see things about myself I can't see yet. I'm terrified. I don't want to talk about myself anymore to anyone.

Hi fellow NOCD-ers. Ive been on this app for a few months now and undergoing erp therapy for a couple of weeks. Ive dealt with various themes but my So-ocd has been prominent throughout my life. I remember it clear as day that the thought popped into my head after I saw a girl with long hair running down the street. My brain went “what if you like girls” and since then this theme has been present in my life. Until that point I had crazy crushes and fantasies about boys. I was about 11 when the SO-ocd started. Since then, it’s always been confusing but I’ve had some serious relationships with men and im married to a wonderful male partner. Despite all this - the doubts creep in. At this point I dont really care if im not straight (rn I even identify as bi). But the thought of having to leave my relationship is so distressing to me because of course my ocd is says “what if youre lying and you never liked men and youre a lesbian” Im just wondering if anyone else has been dealing with this theme since they were young? Just looking to connect with people with similar experiences and not searching for reassurance ♥️

I’ve been really struggling for the past week. It comes and goes in waves, but it’s been a lot. I’m doing my best today to not spiral, but I am full of what ifs. I’m just trying my hardest not to follow them down the hole. Some days this feels so real and has me fully convinced that I am gay and that I need to leave my husband, but at the end of the day I know I want to be in bed with my husband giving him a big kiss goodnight. My exposure for the next week and a half before my next session is to watch my wedding video daily and track my distress and practice my response prevention. It’s been tough! After my episode over the summer I haven’t been able to watch it because of all the guilt i’ve been feeling (and I was someone who watched her wedding video once a week since getting married 3 years ago and always glowed when I watched it.) It’s been tough, i feel this rush of fear and sadness wash over me and I just have to do my best not to react. After doing my exposure this morning, i was able to handle the task, but afterwards I started spiraling a bit. I’m screaming to myself in the car “YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW THAT THOUGHT” or “YOU DONT NEED TO FIGURE THIS OUT” but it’s so tough. I know they say that when you’re in the throws of OCD everything and anything can become a trigger. I keep getting flashes of old coming out videos I’ve watched, articles about LBL that I have read, masculine presenting women that I have seen that have caused me discomfort and anxiety. I’m doing my best to sit with it, but these thoughts are coming at me from so many different angles. I am hoping I am at the end of this flare up soon.

I’ve posted on here many times over the last year and I’m so tired of the same things bothering me over and over and over again. I truly think I could move past this theme for good if I never watched lesbian porn growing up. It seriously feels like the one thing holding me back!!! I don’t know why I did it during those years, I was just intrigued I guess. But it feels like it HAS to mean something about my sexuality now. Like it must mean something that I did that or make me at least bisexual. But I also don’t want to be with women in any form other than friendship and am really so happy with my boyfriend! It’s a tug of war going on inside my brain 😭😭😭

they say ocd is egodystonic. ever since i was young i knew i was attracted to women sexually, possibly even more than men, and it never bothered me. when i was about 14 i had an episode (my first ever i think?) about being a lesbian. once that died down and i got older i tried to flirt with the idea of liking women romantically, and theres been a few times where i have been a bit. but since then i still have had a few SO-OCD flare ups about liking women and i cant figure out why.. maybe being raised christian and whatnot? but like im not a christian so whats egodystonic about that? it has me questioning everything, like what if i really DO like women romantically/am a lesbian and all my other scary themes for example pocd are real as well? the weird thing about this is… im not even panicking? i’ve been working on my ocd alot lately so it could be a result of that but im also wondering if something worse is going on?

Hi, really struggling currently battling my memories: fear of being a lesbian!!! it’s said i would remember if i felt attraction to women in my past but i just. can’t. remember. my brain is taking every interaction with a woman and making it like i was attracted even thought im like pretty sure i wasn’t but again. i. just. don’t. know. it’s making even what i thought to be platonic have some meaning and has fully convinced me i have had gay thoughts and romantic and sexual feelings to women before my hocd. second, it’s battling my memories with my past experiences with men. i bet we’ve all see the comphet list… not fun… i related to a few when it came to like a disconnect with male attraction before my hocd. my brain is really attacking that and is using everytime i didn’t feel something as proof that im gay and everytime i think i remember feeling something with men it’s saying it wasn’t real or it wasn’t strong enough or i never wanted it or it was just societal pressures yada yada. idk i guess im just really struggling with these two and its hard to say maybe, maybe not right now. just wanna know if anyone can relate

Before OCD I never felt any hatred towards gay people or bi people or anything like that, and I even recall some shows were gay relationships had really romantic moments that I could admire, but now it feels like I hate gay people like they anoy me or smth, and I don't wanna feel that way, I don't wanna feel this way, and ofc my OCD says that Im homophobic therefore I'm gay but I wasn't even homophobic to begin with I just don't know what to do right now

Hello I want to share my story with you because I sometimes feel so alone with my problems. I need hope that I can really do it. My father simply fled to his country of origin when I was 4 years old. At first I thought I would never see him again because we didn't know where he was, then we learned through a lawyer that he had run away - then the contact came back after 1 year, we visited him and it broke my heart every time to never see him again for another year. I idealized him so incredibly, even though he was never really there. My mother never demonized him, never put him down. My trauma was born that I was separated from my father several times. Today, I am 30 years old and I can no longer idealize it and I realize everything I have repressed, oppressed and killed during all these years. I started watching pornography very early at the age of teenagers aged 10 to 13, including things I'm not proud of today. then becoming sexually active myself. I had a very painful separation as a teenager with my ex. I've had super beautiful girlfriends, always. I knew I was attractive. From 13 (first time) to 28, I had more than 100 partners and tried many things. I lived in drunkenness. But what I never was was this macho - I was very early on aware of the value of a woman and that I wanted to treat everyone well and stay fair. But I never noticed that I had developed an OCD very early. To my OCD story: At the age of 18, I had the impression for the first time that something was wrong with me. There is no joy, something looks like a metal gavage. Then I took SSRI antidepressants and quickly improved. I take them until today :-( For probably 10 years, I was afraid of HIV. Extreme fear. I had to do 100 tests and I kept questioning them. I didn't know all this time that I could have an OCD. Three years ago, I met my girlfriend. I thought to myself: this time, you do everything better. Stay faithful, stay honest and so on. Then this obsessive admition came to me. I should wash myself of all my sins - suddenly, I told everything. Then came the guilty conscience (about violent sex chats, porn addiction, inappropriate porn when I was myself a teenager) and what others might think of me now. Then I saw a video about a guy who got exposed on the Internet because he had done something inappropriate. Terrible, I find it was horrible for the victims. Then OCD came and said that someone could say the same thing about me. And it duged up all my past. All porn in adolescence, everything. Again, I had to relieve myself in one way or another. I regained everyone's reassurance. Everyone must have told me that it was okay when I was 10-13 years old and watched porn that was not correct. Oh my God, I couldn't anymore. Now, OCD has taken on a new dimension and now checks on absolutely EVERYTHING if it excites me sexually or not. It suddenly automatically connects sex and children. It's terrible. I have never felt this level of fear before. We really think that I have been kidnapped by evil and that my brain is broken. I had never questioned my sexuality. Sex has always been so pleasant for me (certainly also anesthesia) and now everything is so confusing. I developed such a fear of sex with my girlfriend that inappropriate images would shoot me in the head. I hate OCD so much. Even worse, to distract myself and get rid of my feelings, I only know one strategy that has always helped me: more pornography, sex chats, more women and more transsexuals. So I say to myself: man, I want to be a great and good friend. In fact, I want to have a family with my girlfriend. It really drove me crazy. I didn't know what to do and sometimes I wanted to give up and die for the first time in my life. Because this flow of thoughts was unbearable. My big theory is that I'm obviously incredibly afraid of commitment. Because of my Major trauma of the PTSD. And OCD is just one of the many things that do not want to "make me feel", because it means a great danger. Goddammit, sometimes I say to myself that I have to live again single, and maybe have fear from HIV. I am not sure about my past, but I felt never so bad. Does anyone know of similar things? Can anyone understand my story or experience something similar? I want to be strong, I want to get there. Sometimes it's incredibly hard to believe. I don't understand how my brain has so much self-hatred. I want to finally live, free and in peace with myself. In love

I have been suffering from HOCD/SO-OCD for a couple months now. The last time I ever suffered from these kind of intrusive thoughts was 2-3 years ago, so it’s been a good while since I last dealt with this. All the information and tips I had on overcoming this have been completely forgotten by me, so I’m back to starting on square one. I don’t mean to be very TMI and out in the open towards porn, but a big trigger of mine that made me start all of this spiral was my enjoyment of lesbian porn. When I was younger I used to watch lesbian porn, but never touched myself to it. When I was a teenager, I did begin to watch lesbian porn again and was only able to finish by just lesbian porn. The same applies to my life right now, I can only get off to lesbian porn. I watch straight porn and do get aroused by it, but not as aroused as I get with lesbian porn. I never fantasize about being with a woman/having sex with a woman though, I only do it with men and it makes me feel good. I have stopped consuming porn as a whole, stopped watching lesbian porn, here and there I do look at straight porn, but for some reason that’s been triggering me lately since I tend to focus on the girl more. Here’s where my fear arises even more. I know I like men, I know I don’t like women (maybe only sexually? but even then I don’t want to experiment with a woman and don’t want to have sex with a woman), but I have this ongoing fear that I won’t be able to enjoy sex with a man again. I fear that the only way that I’d be able to finish with a guy, is to be able to think of a woman, but I don’t want to think that! Does any of that even make sense? I feel like it doesn’t!! I just am so scared that when I have sex with a man, I won’t be able to cum unless I think of a woman, but I don’t want to think of a woman, nor have I ever thought of a woman when I did have sex with my ex-boyfriend. I don’t know, I’m just blabbering now. I’m just extremely tired of dealing with these thoughts, it’s been flaring up a lot too since my only two friends are lesbians and always talk about women. I just want to stop suffering from this, I also have contamination OCD, so it’s been pretty hell lately :/

hello, i’m having a bit of a spiral so here it goes. if you have soocd and went on deep dives you have probably seen the story where the girl has soocd, but come out at her feared orientation, which is gay. big trigger for a lot of us. but i found that the only difference is she had past memories of being gay and then had hocd trying to convince herself that she’s straight not gay. mines similar in a way but i never had memories of being gay(ofc my ocd brain gets to tell me otherwise and will try and fake memories) and am just trying to figure out if im straight but also trying to figure out if i could be gay i was doing so good because i finally was like okay im still gonna have these soocd thoughts but i finally feel like okay i can say that im gonna come out of this straight because i don't have a history of being gay growing up. then this happens: i just saw a coming out story where a girl showed no signs of being gay had crushes on boys and dated boys and said she was fully boy crazy and even dreamed of like disney fairytales. she said the only thing was that she just sometimes didn’t want to hangout with her boyfriends. (like hello that's me). BUT THEN SHE WAS GAY! then i looked up if that happens a lot and google said yes it does, people don't have ANY signs of being gay when they are younger jen’s one cases i know ive been diagnosed with hocd and it's said the small percentage of people who have hocd and come out there feared sexuality and had pervious knowledge of being gay in there youth. BUT THIS GIRL DIDNT. so what if i have hocd, didn't show signs when i was younger, and am actually gay (the only difference between me and her is that i have hocd and im not comfortable with these thoughts and when she found out she was comfortable with these thoughts. but what if i accept these thoughts and get comfortable with being gay) i guess i just want to know im not alone.

I had a period of really good mental health but it seems to have fallen into the OCD cycle again, and my brain has a specific cycle for which subtypes it gets stuck on in which order. So some background: I'm almost 100% certain I have PCOS, and it comes with an absence of periods in total but my body doesn't entirely get the memo. I get no bleeding but I get pain and back cramps but most importantly my OCD symptoms skyrocket. My symptoms have been bad for almost a week, and I checked the dates and they match up, just like the previous months. At first it was Relationship OCD where I couldn't get out of my head about my friends hating me or me being annoying and them abandoning me. Not the greatest time but I survived. And then the SO-OCD decided to act up again. And I was surviving that even if it wasn't great. And then the long-dormant P-OCD reared it's ugly head. And I'm a high school *teacher*! It was *supposed* to go away being around my students bc apparently that's great exposure therapy! And it doesn't really flare up around my students either! I get flashes of intrusive thoughts but they go away immediately and I get no OCD symptoms. But I started to fall back into the PJO fandom, and I keep seeing things about the show and I was so excited about it but I could only barely get through the first episode bc children and OCD. But the kids are younger, like 12 to 14, and my OCD went so overdrive I had to stop looking at stuff for PJO. But then my dad and I watched Home Alone 2 and I had to constantly look at my phone because OCD was going into overdrive again. I would rather hurt myself than do anything to a child or want anything from a child but damn it my brain can't get the memo! That's the cycle too; first it starts with the relationship OCD, then the sexual orientation OCD, and then it spirals into the P-OCD. And I'm just on my bed disgusted with myself and my brain is trying to get me to accept that I'm bi and/or gay (which like...not the end of the world on its own) and that I'm a horrible horrible person who wants to hurt kids. And I refuse. If I ever get to that point I will check myself into a mental institution and never leave. Does anyone else struggle like me? Does anyone else have cyclical OCD subtypes? Or fall back into old patterns?

Hi, I’m “Dave” I’m 19 years old with multiple forms of ocd. I’d like to share my experience with ocd as I hope a lot of people will be able to relate to me and not feel alone. As a child I was pretty shy and scared, I had an extremly difficult time making friends that weren’t adults and when I did make young friends it never ended well. One day I met this friend let’s call them Trinidad. Trinidad and I became extremly close friends, hanging out every weekend and they were quite a few years older than me. I grew up in an extremely Christian, sheltered household. I never really had sexual topics brought up as a child and wasn’t sure what sex was in general. This being about kindergarten at the time maybe first grade, it’s pretty understandable. Some background information, Trinidad grew up the complete opposite, I’m not too sure in what way and how and I don’t really care to find out. They would have me come over every week and my mom being a workaholic and an alcoholic it was an easy way to get me out of the house. At some point in this friendship Trinidad would start pushing the ideas that friends “touch each other”, they do all these things with each other and ofc a young child with no idea of sex thought this to be true. These events went from showing me pornography to full on beatings tying me down and shoving foreign objects places they don’t belong. This went on from the time of kindergarten probably till about 4-5th grade on and off. I would be begging crying to my mother to make me not go over there but after a certain age where I was capable of deciding that those actions were homosexual, and my family being extremist Christian’s. I had no place to share that information. The confusion as a child was shoved down, and would come out in ways I never thought would be possible. I know I’m not gay, bisexual, or any of the sorts although I can admit my attraction to other men but I see it as jealousy. I have spent my entire life trapped in my mind after the realization of what happened. I tried to shove it all down and forget but this was not a trauma you could, every single second of the day, the mention of it, the thought of it, seeing a person openly gay, or when your other guy friends joke around call you gay or a sissy or whatever, would send a shock down my entire body as it constantly reminded me of the judgment I have from hiding everything what happened. As a child, I did force myself to forget for a very very long time and I never really understood why those things affected me so much. For example, when I was 16 years old, I was afraid that if I touched metal something horrible would happen it was a form of pure disgust and torture, just towards holding a spoon or a coin, a metal hand railing at school, the metal part of a pencil that holds and eraser. After 3 years I’ve realized it was because of the metal “foreign objects” they used on me as a child sent me into that fear. This is something I still deal with almost everyday but it is slowly progressing towards me understanding that the things that happened are uncontrollable. They might’ve sucked or been traumatizing but it’s something you just need to learn how to counteract instead of shutting down. If I’m in a bad place mentally, relationships aren’t going great, my car breaks down, works stressful. I will have thousands and thousands of thoughts running through my mind from what I’ve talked about now to just base self judgement and hatred over anything. The way I stopped the fear of metal is by every-time I felt that disgust, id grip on to whatever object I didn’t wanna touch and rub my hands all over it, although this did feel like torture. When you have those thousands of thoughts running through your mind it’s because you’re stuck in a loop, it’s the same shit over and over and over again, every-time you justify it and find a way out a new issue with that justification arises. You need to break the cycle, when your brain is in that loop force yourself to focus on something else. My biggest things are colors, smells, sounds especially music. When I hit that stuck in my head the world disappears times, I start searching for a specific color 5 blue objects, 5 green objects, why are they there what’s the significance of them. I found that having heavily brain powered hobbies helps me like taking apart controllers, tvs, computers, my car and piecing them back together by memory and not giving up until it works helps. With the music, I have a 4000$ sound system in my car that reaches upwards of 140 decibels, I will sit in my car and feel the music and in this vehicle it’s pretty hard not too 😂. I’ve gone to therapy, it doesn’t work but sharing my experiences, my thoughts about myself, my thoughts about others, sexual impulses that I get from the cptsd and h-ocd To the people that I feared to say it to my entire life. Them telling me that what I’m going through, what I feel, how I act is a completely normal action. That they are sorry and see how hard it is for them just talk about it not out of judgement but self guilt for making me feel the way I did as a child, helped a lot. With a disease/disorder like this you need to find the people, places and things that take your mind away and just run with it. Just because something happens in your life, it doesn’t define who you are. Say even if as a child all that happened you start spreading that info to your friends and you were the one who initiated shit. You were a child a very confused one and take where you are right now mentally and remind yourself. Do i see the wrong in my actions? Do I see what’s wrong with the things that happened? Well than that’s all the change you need. The fact you can differentiate yourself be able to choose not to do things, because the past doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you learn from what happen, change the way you act and respond in situations and learn to forgive the people that did it, the people who made you feel judged, and most importantly yourself. You don’t have a long life and it could end any moment, take the actions and decisions to realize you are just a human who makes mistakes, and stuff happens. Analyze, determine and then respond to any uncomfortable situation and be the change in your life because nobody else will.