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Idk why but while I was doing erp my brain told me to look at her chest and I tried covering that part but I still looked… why did I do that? Anyone else have this happen? This has happened multiple times… (edited)

If ur here just to give some encouragement dw ab reading this Im just venting 😭. If you read my billions of posts you can see I’m having a really hard time. I’m analyzing memories, possible false memories, weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable thing that happened in 7th grade that feels like undeniable proof, the beginning stages of SOOCD, my crushes in the past to see if they were real or if I liked them enough, false attractions (which are constant now), I’m triggered by everything, I’m checking for attraction, I’m just miserable. I cant even enjoy old movies or cartoons that used to bring me comfort because I have thoughts like “Did I find this character attractive? I probably didn’t if I can’t remember. I used to always want the boy and girl to be together, but I cant remember if I liked the boy, It must be denial. I probably liked the girl.” I can’t remember shit and my brain keeps filling in the blanks but idk if it’s real. Im worried that this isn’t even OCD because the thoughts aren’t consuming me it’s just pure rumination and other compulsions. Is that still OCD? I still get random thoughts like when I’m watching something random on social media. I could be calm, not triggered by anything, and get a thought like “If she was naked you’d be aroused, rmbr that childhood exploration, you’ve been aroused to XYZ so you probably would be right now” and then I start to ruminate. Idk if that’s rumination or intrusive thoughts. But I usually just ruminate all the time 🧍‍♀️as soon as I wake up and when I go to bed. I get like images and flash backs of the “proof” idk if that counts as intrusive thoughts. I feel so terrible and completely numb to everything. What’s eating me alive right now is my years of numbness. Was that OCD, depression, or me just being in denial? I feel like there’s too much proof at this point. I really have suffered a lot with my mental health over the years so it could possibly just be that my brain is just in shock mode but I don’t know why it’s been so long. I haven’t seen anyone on this app say all their libido and attraction went away for YEARS. But then again I was not diagnosed for 5 years and just completely shut down. I was still numb when I started dating my boyfriend and I was so afraid that it would ruin the genuine feelings and attraction I started having for him before we started dating. I was feeling happier so maybe that’s why I started to feel those good feelings and emotions again. I swear to whoever reads this I DID feel attraction, excitement, all the things for him 😭. Him confessing to me made me anxious and scared bc my numbness makes me feel like a rock and I wasn’t sure I wanted to peruse a relationship. But I was like no, I felt those feelings after YEARS, he makes me feel happy and I have a crush, I won’t let fear take this away from me. I was doing good, my checking compulsions were annoying, but I was doing pretty good. The fear was going away, I was checking less and started feeling the full attraction again, I was in the moment when we hung out, dates were amazing, but then the thoughts and ruminating literally fucked it all up. When I was laying down in bed one night I thought “What if my numbness makes me stop liking him.” It automatically made me anxious and I was stuck ruminating about it all day. Then it just progressively got worse and now I’m stuck dealing w full on SOOCD again 😭. I feel like a rock towards my man now. He sent me a picture and I felt nothing. But then I think “you were numb anyways you probably never liked him.” I don’t even know if my feelings for him a couple months ago were even real bc of how much I ruminate. I was so sure of myself a couple months ago but not anymore. How do I go from “Omg his smile is so nice, I want him to kiss me so bad, his laugh is so cute, he looks so good.” to NOTHINGGGGGG. Prior to the big flare up I rmbr going to a festival with my sister and thinking another guy was cute bc he looked like my man (I swear he was waking up my emotions again) and I started to worry and freak out ab finding another man attractive. Why is my brain so confusing 😭? I want to hangout with him but I’m also scared to at the same time bc I’m afraid of feeling nothing and being triggered by it and ruminating, checking, analyzing. I feel like i’m shutting down again. That’s what’s been happening since high school. If my mental health and OCD make me feel like shit, my brain shuts everything down, and I do nothing. I want to do nothing and isolate because it’s safe, it’s not triggering, and it doesn’t leave me exhausted. Ever since I graduated high school I have been a rock. I have no goals, wants, motivation, NOTHING. I had to drop out for a bit bc when the lcd calmed down a bit, the depression just TOOK OVER. I feel like there’s never going to be an end to this. If this isn’t OCD then idk what to do.

I (22M) made a similar post to this, but the situation happened again. I been...pleasuring myself, and just as I was finishing, I felt like I needed to think about a thought similar to an intrusive thought I've had in the past and it felt like I enjoyed it for a few seconds while I was "finishing". I tried to redirect my focus in the moment, and it didn't really work. After, I felt really off-put and worried about what it could mean. I have been extremely fearful of ending up being "that" way. I know false attraction etc. could have played a role, but I've never been officially diagnosed. There had been times I tested myself in my head before (not like in a context like this), and I felt like I had spikes of attraction before feeling offput by it, and I've been really, really worried if I had been in denial. The thoughts that I tested myself with (as well as intrusive thoughts) included non-problematic things that I found attractive, so I'm not sure if that affected my reactions all those times, but regardless I had been worried. I also tested myself in my head after waking up almost every day, and it felt like I failed when I did. I tried to not assign meaning to it, and it helped with avoiding spiralling, but again, I don't know if I'm in denial or not. I understand if this is too much, but I was wondering if I could get any insight, because I'm really really on edge right now.

I’ve questioned me and my boyfriend’s relationship since the beginning. I wasn’t initially attracted to him but then attraction grew a lot. All of the really important character things and heart things he checks off. But I always go back-and-forth if he’s my type and who I actually wanna be with. While he’s head over heels and so firmly believes that I am the most attractive person he’s ever met. Part of me feels like if I’ve been dating him for almost a year and I still end up going back to the same thoughts that I should just break up with him so I can stop with the inner turmoil and second guessing. I almost broke up with him once because I feel like he’s more in love with me than I am with him. But sometimes I’ll have a month or two where I’m pretty good and I think to myself that I want to marry him but then there always comes a day or a week or two where I really second-guess everything. He’s also my first relationship and sometimes I use that as a reason that we shouldn’t be together forever. And sometimes I question if I have respect for him and his career. Sometimes it feels like I plan everything and I’m the more responsible one and if we were to be married I would be the one making sure we go on adventures and have fun times because that doesn’t seem to come natural for him. Or am I just overthinking all of this? My whole family thinks I should marry him and that he’s a solid guy and the funniest guy ever. Idk. Maybe I’m just spiraling? Like how do you know if it’s OCD or if they’re actually just not someone you wanna be with?

I see a lot of posts about this subtype and first want to say, it SUCKS. I've circled through a few subtypes and nothing deterred my life and ruined every day as much as R-OCD, so my heart goes out to anyone working through theirs. I hope you fight through ERP for your chance to heal <3 It's hard, but you're worth it! Beyond that, I want to share something that I feel often goes unstated but made a huge difference in my own recovery. Real quick, my story is: I was at 10 years in my relationship, 1.5 years engaged, 1 year away from a wedding, waking up feeling nauseous and disgusted every morning at the sight of my partner. I felt convinced that I faked the past 10 years of love and affection and that I wasted over a decade of my life and would never be happy whether I stayed or left, at this point. ^ That was before NOCD. This year, I’m 3 years past my last therapy session, 3 years married, and enjoy my husband and 1 year old son each and every day. The thing that really flipped a switch for me was when I expressed to my therapist that I felt one of my “intrusive thoughts” was valid enough to have a discussion with my partner about, and he responded, "It’s up to you if you think it’s worth discussing with your partner, but the important thing is that it's YOUR choice to discuss it, not OCD's." This changed how I viewed every criticizing thought about my partner. It actually helped me let more thoughts go because I realized I didn’t really care about his morning hair, his t-shirt collection, or his breathing pattern. And on the flip side, it helped me acknowledge when a thought was something I did care about and wanted to address in my relationship—of course, this involved taming my anxiety surrounding such matters, being open to my partner’s response, willing to trust his answer, and not bringing something up a million times. At that point, being together for 10 years had scarred us from rough patches aside from OCD, baggage we’d built up together, and lots of intertwined parts of our lives and selves that weren’t always intertwined in the best ways (i.e. losing yourself to your partner’s hobbies and things like that). What I’m saying is we had things to actually work on in our relationship. But OCD had been blurring the lines for so long between what actually mattered and what was just a fear. It was like OCD tried to distract me with miniscule annoyances (“why does his cheek twitch like that?”) and potential problems (“what if we get a divorce in another 10 years and then I wasted 20 years?”) as a way to protect me from facing the real, often more manageable problems in front of me. For example, I couldn’t control the way my partner breathed, but I COULD discuss how I wanted to start setting aside time to get back into my own hobbies. I couldn’t force my partner to be more outgoing, but I COULD express that it was important to me that we see friends more and ask if he was willing to help us work toward that goal. In giving myself the power to identify what truly mattered to me in the relationship and in my life, I was able to address such things (in a healthy, non-reassurance seeking way) and work toward a life free of OCD, plus full of things that mattered to me. So, for all those still working on R-OCD, remember that OCD thrives on unrealistic relationship ideals and over-the-top expectations. Despite what it wants you to believe, NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT, so don’t fight for that. But also don’t forget that you can care about your relationship. You can want to improve it and build a better one, just make sure the improvements you’re seeking are 1) realistic and 2) things that really matter to YOU. Sure, a big part of this work is learning to not act on intrusive thoughts, but another aspect (at least for me) was gaining back self-awareness. Who am I apart from OCD? I, myself, am a human being with often big feelings who cares immensely about the people I love. I like to be thoughtful and intentional with my words and actions. I like to create and converse and dance and sew. And none of that is OCD, it’s just me. I am a whole person, and yes, with that comes fears and worries, and yes, sometimes, because I have OCD, those fears and worries get the better of me. But that does not define me. I am NOT my OCD, and neither are you.

Can it be possible that ROCD starts off as thoughts but then just lead to feelings? Does that make sense? I’ve been with my partner 9 years, my ROCD started two months ago. Started off with massive anxiety, constant thoughts, etc. Now I just feel like it’s feelings? Feelings that I don’t love him, that I don’t want to be with him. I have been diagnosed with ROCD but I didn’t know if it could do this? I don’t know if I’m making sense.

4.5 years ago my boyfriend and I finally became official- it was a time where my SO-OCD was bad but i was determined to get over it so I kept fighting for our relationship. A month after this, i went to a party where I found someone attractive which was shocking at the time as I rarely found men attractive during my SO OCD, I don’t think i was outwardly flirtatious but I did speak to him during the evening and he asked for my instagram at one point and I gave it. I remember the morning after I thought he would message and I would have to make sure to say I had a boyfriend incase he got the wrong idea but he never did so it was fine. I admitted this to my boyfriend as I have had these thought for years but they come with different intensities- now 4.5 years later the memory is hazy ‘what if we slept together’ I was a virgin at the time so i doubt i would forget that as I wasn’t that drunk. ‘What if we kissed’ - again I really don’t think i would do that BUT WHAT IF?! We’re looking to take that next step soon in our relationship but how can I move on without knowing for sure? Anyone else going through/gone through something similar?

So, a few months or maybe weeks ago. My boyfriend invited me to go with him to his grandparents cookout, cuz she invited him so he wanted to bring me with. Basically, his mom told all of us that some girl at my bf’s job was asking for him, and this made me feel a little jealous but I didn’t say anything. but my bf replied that “i don’t know this girl” and “I don’t know who you’re were talking about”, and they laughed and said “yeah that’s the right thing to say” ,, “pretend you don’t know” ,, then they mentioned something about me that I can’t remember. as if they were making a joke about him cheating This hurt me so much that I just stopped talking, I am already an insecure person. and who in their right mind would think a joke like that would be funny in the first place no matter the context? This made me feel so lowly.

Hi all, I’ve been on the tail end of an extremely difficult bout of rocd for several months now, and though I’ve been improving in my response to ocd thoughts, and generally feeling better than I did at the beginning, I think the ocd continues to fueled by the fear that I have that I can’t go back to how I used to be, and I’ll never feel truly happy again. These ideas then seem to lead to depressive episodes. It’s hard to tell if it’s another obsession or not, but I find myself constantly thinking about/analyzing the way I’m feeling and I can’t really figure it out (I know, sounds familiar). Has anyone had something similar and what has helped you?

Hello! I've been trying to help out people earlier today, which I love to do. But damn, I'm feeling the flare-up super bad today. The thoughts, the sensations (mainly groinals and somatic; nausea and throat tightness, the urges, and feelings were non-stop today. And I probably reinforced that through compulsions of checking, testing, and reading forums. It really felt like I was back at square one ever since September started. I had a really bad and short episode of health OCD, which exposed me to my triggers. Now it's come back SO-OCD and ROCD have come back to bite me harder plus the pressure of taking the nursing board exams this November. It all just feels too overwhelming. I kept getting thoughts like "What if I'm lying, What if I acted a certain way, which where other people might think you're another orientation, What if I'm using OCD as an excuse, Why did I dream about this, Why did my body react like this, why did you move like this, maybe you don't love your gf" it's just all what ifs, the whys, the doubts and it became too much today that I actually broke down. Prior to these themes, I really was happy, I just wanted to live life with my gf because she brought color to my world and she made me genuinely happy. For once, I was really happy. But then these themes came and ruined a lot of things. I still want to live life with her, to be able to see her smile every day. I just love my girlfriend so much, and it hurts me just thinking about not being with her. I hate this disorder so much, and how much it took things away from me ever since I was little. The doubts, the distress, the trauma this caused, I grieve for my past self. I find myself constantly breaking down, and it still hurts that I'm robbed of my identity, my life, my love for my partner. I know these are just intrusions, manifestations that feel so strong. I know I can still do the things I want together with my girlfriend. But damn, I just wish I could catch a break and enjoy the things and people I love. Sorry, I had to let it all out.

I desperately need some advice or tips. Now that I’m having a horrible flare up that feels sooooo real it’s hard for me to feel good around my man anymore. The feelings and attraction I felt for him turned into numbness and OCD constantly makes me feel like a liar and question everything. I’m trying to stop checking and ruminating whenever I’m with him but it’s so hard especially when I feel like a full on rock again. I have no libido (haven’t in years actually), barely any attraction to men anymore (been happening ever since this theme started which was a long time ago but I think it’s from the years of feeding the OCD cycle,depression, and anxiety), and I’m feeling emotionally numb again. I don’t know if this is asking for reassurance but I really just want to know how to continue my relationship that I was so excited for. I was so happy to feel genuine attraction and to have a crush again after years of numbness 😭 I was so excited for this new chapter. All these missing emotions were waking up again, and I was starting to feel happier and normal. But ofc OCD had to make an appearance again. Any tips will be greatly appreciated!! (how this flare up has me feeling)

I am deeply weary of succumbing to fear and the pervasive sense of inadequacy that gnaws at my self-worth. This emotional turmoil has led me down a path of profound anguish, perpetually plagued by self-doubt and the constant fear of abandonment. To be candid, my childhood was marked by significant neglect and abuse, leaving me without the essential support that fosters personal growth. As a result, I am now 24 years old and grappling with the devastating consequences of these past experiences. My mental state has deteriorated to the point where I find no motivation to engage in any meaningful activities. Despite this overwhelming sense of despair, I find myself inexplicably compelled to continue. The most formidable challenge I face lies in the process of letting go of the past. These painful memories persist, casting a shadow over my daily life and relationships.

i feel like im dissociating, when i am with my boyfriend and i look at him i am hollow , when i think about him and being with him forever, and tbinking about the 2 year and a half together its like i cant rember how it was to feel in love pr to love him i feel like… i have no feelings and i dont know what i feel and nothing makes me feel better … i tried not posting here but i just want someone to help me. i dont know what i feel i feel disconnected from myslelf , from him… like i dont love him and im just existing with him (we dont live together, he stays at my place at weekends and we dont sleep together at night my partents still dont allow it even if im 18) , i dont know what i feel my chest is so tight… i look at him and feel so hollow… i even have many many moments when he annoys me, or i get the ick, or think he is stupid making me think its the end and the thoughts i once feared became true and i dont have rocd… maybe all this time… all these 2 years of me gaving thoughts was just me not accepting the truth… i cant remeber how it is to love… im not feeling anything… seeing people in love witj their partner and being happy makes me so sad… bc im not happy, even though he loves me.. im horible… am i trully like this? why? it feels so real. why. im tired… i cant acces therapy or meds, i have to heal alone, the problem is that i cant even stand talking to him vc hearing his voice, seeing him, talking to him, imagining a life with him makes me want to cry and be alone bc my mind tells me i dont live him that i cant stand him anymore and i have changed, that my feelings are gone and that is why i cant see a life with him, i dont understand why i have so many negative emotions towords him when he loves me so much, im thinking this isnt ocd and in just forcing myslef to love him and to stay bc i have this expectation i put on us from the start that he is the one. i keep thinking i want to break up but i dont have a solid reason, just how bad i feel , i havesi much anxiety and i fee si stressed its making me go crazy. Some people told me on nocd once that maybe i just matured and my feelings and preception changed. I feel like i lost myslf i used to be so loving and carring and daydream even though i had thoughts about me not living him but it just got worser and worser and went to a psychologist a while ago, hoping I’d get some clarity about what I was going through, especially with my constant relationship doubts and emotional numbness. But instead of feeling heard or understood, I was told things like “maybe you never really loved him” or “maybe you’re just not being honest with yourself.” That experience didn’t help me — it made my thoughts worse. It planted seeds of even more doubt, and I left that session feeling more broken, more confused, and even more alone. Now, I can’t go back to therapy because my parents don’t believe I need it. They won’t support me emotionally or financially with it, and that makes everything feel even heavier. I’m stuck with these thoughts, with no professional support, and I’m trying to hold on I’ve been like this for almost 2 years and it only got worse. I feel hollow and numb, like I lost myself. When I look at old pictures or read old messages it feels like a completely different person wrote them — not me. I can’t remember how it felt to love him, I can’t imagine a future with him, and even when I’m next to him or kissing him I feel fake, uncomfortable and anxious inside. My mom told me things like “maybe you only put it in your head that you have to be with him” and her words are stuck in my head, making everything feel even more real, like it’s the truth. My chest feels so tight all the time, and I’m scared that there’s nothing to heal because this isn’t OCD but just me realizing I don’t love him. I want to heal, but I feel like I don’t have the strength to do it alone and I can’t access therapy. I feel trapped inside my own mind and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like my fear became reality.

Been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now officially and worried I'll take to long for sex. He doesn't seem to care but idk society is weird. I know he wouldn't tell anyone or anything but I'm worried 6 months or even longer would be abnormal and uncommon. Idk in TV characters have sex on third dates. I know it's also a TV show and stuff but still. And it seems like most people my age don't take that long. (Age is 18 if it matters). I don't do drugs or drink or go out partying so I already feel a bit different then them. Is it that uncommon and or does anyone have an advice to keep the worries surrounding sex more manageable atleast. Idk how to help them.

Idk if this is OCD related or if this makes me a bad person but it feels like it does. It just clicked that I lie ALL the time. I don’t make up big elaborate stories and I don’t tell lies to purposely hurt anyone but I seem to lie so much. Idk why - I don’t feel like i consciously do it but I’ll lie about what I’ve done in a day so my bf doesn’t think I’m boring or I’ll say I have/haven’t watched a film depending on how I want people to perceive me. I wish I didn’t do this. Is it really terrible? I feel like a bad person. Last night my bf called me at half 2 in the morning and asked if he woke me up and I didn’t even think about it I just said “yeah”. I wasn’t asleep, I was trying to go to sleep and possibly about to but I wasn’t asleep and I told him he woke me up. Why? I said I had a dream the other night about me and my bf bowling when in actual fact it was a daydream that I was purposely thinking about. Any advice or opinions on this would be really appreciated. I just feel like such a bad person because of it.

I have had a boyfriend for officially 3 months today. We only kissed for the first time on the lips like 2 weeks ago roughly. We do it once or twice when we hang out each time lately usually, it's a bit awkward but it's cause we haven't really had a relationship before. I'm not ready right now for sex and I don't think he is ether, we are both quite awkward people which is fine. I keep trying to live in the moment but I'm worried about sex a little. A little less lately but at the very least right now im worried how long I'll take to he ready and that I'll take longer then a normal person. Personally I'd like to wait atleast a few more months (if he is cool with it too, I want him to also be ready) but I'm worried that it's uncommon to wait for like 6 or more months. It feels not drastic to me. But idk. My mom asked me if I want to get birth control yet, she asked cause I've been staying out with him very late she said, but it's just because we watch movies and stuff. I know she had a reason but what if she just assumed I would by now. I don't think my boyfriend would care much if I took long and he was ready before me, he said to me that sex was just a bonus in relationships. But what I'm weird? What it I take 6 months or more then 6 months, would that he uncommon? Would it be weird? Part of me wants to just not worry about when I'll be ready and focus on the now. But ocd won't let me because I have nothing else to worry about lately. Please give me advice

I suffer from severe relationship obsessive compulsive disorder and I was doom scrolling and I noticed my bf liked a video with these goth ladies. It was a super wholesome video, but they were dressed a bit weird. It’s not the first time I saw a video like this that he liked so it happened twice, but it sends me in a spiral that lasts like a few days. I get the feeling that he likes them more than me, and it makes my heart and blood run cold. Like an actually feeling like that. I keep replaying it in my head, and feel really upset. I was having such a good day, but I feel so awful, anxious, and worried about it.

I had a small epiphany this morning while brushing my teeth. I’m now choosing to focus on what’s happening now. All I know is that I have OCD. All I know is that after years of numbness, my old crush on someone grew, and now he’s my boyfriend. All I know is that I like to be around him and I was/am excited to be his girlfriend. The weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable memories, other things that happened in the past may or may not have meaning. I don’t know and right now at this moment, I really don’t care. I’m done debating with this. When SOOCD was only just a tiny mosquito bugging me from time to time, I felt the real me again after YEARS of feeling like a rock. I don’t know if the things OCD tells me will happen, and that’s ok even if I think it’s scary and horrible. I don’t know if OCD is right about me. All I know right now is I got a date coming up soon and I want to enjoy it. I hope anyone who reads this has a good/easier day. We can get through this!!!

I have known something was wrong with my “brain” for a long time. I am a recovering alcoholic who will be celebrating 5 years of Recovery in January. For me, drinking was my solution, not my problem however, I was OBSESSED with alcohol and could never say no to my CRAVINGS no matter how much self will I had. I eventually got sober through the program of AA, found a higher power and for many years my life was great. I never thought about alcohol and stayed active in AA. Over the past two years is when my Pure OCD started. First it was my relationship. Then I changed jobs and was in school for 9 months. I was constantly over studying, repetitive flash cards ever day, all because of fear of failure. It was the most stressed I have ever been in my whole life. The day before my final exam, I was driving and the word “alcohol” popped into my head. Not a craving or a want, just “alcohol.” I immediately started spiraling. “Why am I thinking about this” “why won’t this go away” “is my addiction/craving back.” It was torture. I became so scared of relapse I went to an AA meeting everyday, called my sponsor everyday, started re working the steps. I started doing everything I did the first time that got me relief but yet the thought remained for three weeks. This is the night “my brain broke.” While engaging in sex with my partner, an image of someone close to me popped in my head. Not in a sexual manor but because I was in the act my brain associated with it. I spiraled for two weeks. I was convinced I was a pedophile. Constantly seeking re assurance, re playing past memories. Every day my brain found a new fear. During that time I remember almost NEVER thinking about alcohol. At some times I welcomed that thought to come back. I have started therapy and my POCD has slowed down a lot and the thought/fear of alcohol is back and constantly in my mind. This poses a challenge for my brain. Is this an OCD fear or is it craving? My brain can rationalize now (on good days) that I’m not a pedophile but with alcohol it’s something I was addicted too and always will be. So my question is, is there anyone out there struggling with OCD and is also in recovery?

Warning!! This will have some 18+ stuff. I know I shouldn’t be ruminating about this but this whole off and on 6 year SOOCD thing started because I thought a kpop idol (who was masculine presenting/androgynous) was attractive. It made me very uncomfortable finding out that she was indeed a woman. In some pictures and angles she looked like another male kpop idol, but in some she looked like a woman and the attraction just went away. But my brain went to full panic mode because I was worried that it meant something about me. Logically I know this doesn’t mean anything and that I can just move on. I’ve even had friends (they are straight) in high school tell me they would sometimes mistake a super masculine lesbian/androgynous woman as men, find them attractive, realize they’re women, and then just move on. I’ve even had masculine lesbian friends, teammates, and coaches, and I never thought anything about it or felt attraction to any of them (even if they were conventionally attractive). But my brain brings in past stuff like how I was attracted to a manly cartoon character, bc again THEY LOOKED LIKE MEN. I literally did not care or get triggered until SOOCD started. Idc ab childhood exploration or ab the fact that TMIIIIII!!! I am aroused by anything remotely sexual (sorry), I completely forgot about it until a couple months ago and It has never changed the fact that I’ve only ever wanted to be with men and have been attracted to men all my life 😭. It just makes the false attractions and groinal responses harder to pass by bc my brain automatically tells me “UR LYING YOU LIKE THIS! UR YEARS OF NUMBNESS, LOSS OF ATTRACTION, AND LIBIDO IS BC UR GAY!” But when ocd wasn’t at my throat, and I was entering a happier headspace, I was noticing the attraction coming back, and for the first time in years I developed a crush on someone (my now boyfriend). I’ve always found him cute and had a crush on him but ocd likes to tell me that never happened and i’m lying but whatever. Anyways, I developed a real crush again, I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted to touch him (not super freaky touching😭 just like caressing his hair and face), I wanted to talk to him and be around him, I couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning and talk to him bc I just felt so giddy and like a normal person again, I had all the crush feelings for him. Before the SOOCD flare up I was just so happy and excited. I was worried about the numbness, which i’m pretty sure is from years of not doing ERP and off and on struggle with really bad depression. Highschool was pure hell for me, I got a tiny bit better after graduating, and then I had to drop out of school for a bit bc the depression became unbearable again. Although I am better now, my new therapist now even told me I do have signs of moderate depression. Best way I can describe the way I feel is like a rock. I feel like all my emotions are muted. I don’t have any hobbies, wants, goals, I feel like a rock with a bunch of feet walking over and around me. I liked reading and going on walks but even that is too much energy again. For the past 4 years I’ve spent my days rotting away just laying down. Also, TMI!!!! I literally have no libido or sex drive, I don’t even do the self stuff (ykwim) bc I have 0 desire to do it. My man was slowlllyyy waking up all the emotions but this ocd spiral has sent me back to my rock like state. TMI!! Me and my bf have been slightly intimate but Im ALWAYS in my head majority of the time and checking feelings and arousal (esp since i have no libido) which ruins it. But when I was in the moment laying on him and we were just kissing here and there, I felt sooooooo amazing. Idk the right word but it felt so peaceful, loving, calming, and just right 😭. Even yesterday I was starting to spiral again bc OCD started to make fake memories, he called me and I was starting to tune out the OCD, and I felt the peace again. I felt the happiness just talking to him again. I’m at a point where idc what ocd says anymore, Im really tired and done debating with this evil disorder. I just want to enjoy my relationship again bc I KNOW that was the real me. It felt so freeing to have a small taste of recovery 😭. Ik I did compulsions (basically habits now bc I haven’t had proper treatment for so long) and things did trigger me, but when I was IN THE MOMENT everything was just so nice and sweet and just really amazing 😭. I hope I can feel all that again soon.