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Hi all, I was wondering how other people with POCD deal with the guilt and shame that come with the POCD

I can almost remember the day this all first started. I was in high school, the year was 2019, and I was watching a horror movie in theaters with my friends. The movie was The Prodigy. At the very beginning of the film, there’s a scene where a woman gives birth to a child, and then it cuts to a shot of a completely naked baby. Child nudity has always bothered me severely, but this stayed with me for weeks. I couldn’t enjoy the rest of the movie because I was so bothered by it and it eventually started to plague my personal life to the point where I was questioning myself and getting extremely uncomfortable around life. Eventually, I ignored it and after a week, it went away. A few months later, I watched the film The Boondock Saints. During the scene where Willem Dafoe is making out with another man while he’s dressed as a woman, I felt something happening in my pants. At first, I panicked and checked to see if it was an erection, and was relieved to see that it wasn’t the case, because I’m not gay, I’ve never had the urge to do anything with another man before, and I’m certainly not opposed to my own sexuality. I could care less if I’m gay, straight, bisexual, etc. But because I felt something in that moment, I questioned myself every day since. I’ve tested myself many times and I’ve always came up with the same answer: I find men attractive, but not sexually attractive. Eventually, after battling with it for three years, I decided in 2022 that I had enough. I couldn’t go out in public or be around another man without staring at them for prolonged periods of time; it didn’t matter who it was. I would get extreme anxiety, but I was compelled to keep doing it. I get a tingling, almost burning sensation in my genitals that convinces me I’m having an erection, which further coerces my thoughts, thus making me want to do things I don’t want to do. I always snap out of this state but I can’t prevent it from happening. I tried doing what I did before with children and ignore my OCD until it went away, but this time it didn’t work. I eventually fell into the rabbit hole again with POCD and, to his day, have struggled severely with both to the point where I avoid going anywhere outside of work and home in fear I might do something I might regret. Even after I snap out of it, eventually, the intrusive thoughts come back again and I feel like I’m in danger to myself and others. I have no way of beating this at the moment, so I hope this app helps.

I feel like there’s two versions of me. I feel like there’s an evil version where my OCD wants me to do urges and be bad and prove I am this person and it is so convincing and it feels like me. Then another version of me where I’m like “duh that’s not me”. But I’m terrified the bad version will win. It feels like “I want” to think of these thoughts. I had a moment today where I was like “yeah I would be this person if it wasn’t illegal” and believed it. Then came out of it and was like “no that’s not true”. I also found myself feeling like I wanted to think of a bad sexual thought during sex.

The other day I was in the kitchen and the children I work with were in a rush and I was trying to push them out of the kitchen. When that happened, I was nudging them out with my hands and legs. When I was nudging a child forward, I noticed a sensation in my leg near my crotch area that I was pushing, but it wasn’t gratification and it wasn’t sexual. But I feel awful because I recognized the sensation but didn’t move my body. I continued to push forward. Now I feel like I’ve committed a heinous crime. When it happened it was very subconscious and unaware. I was not imploring myself to do anything else or really anything at all. It was just that weird feeling in my leg but I still feel awful that for 2 seconds I continued to push them forward. It’s driving me insane that I feel like I tried to continue to push forward. Now that I’m writing this, I can recognize that I was not trying to be weird or anything and I think my mind is tricking me. But it still SUCKS!!!!!!! I hate having OCD!!!!! I know I didn’t do anything and I’m a good person. But I don’t know how to be comfortable with this one.

I’m struggling to understand how ERP will work for me, I’m new to this. I’m 2 weeks into therapy and this session we start my first ERP steps and I feel like I can’t seem to grasp the concept because often times I understand my obsessions are illogical but then again I think I ruminate often with it so in a way it’s also self reassurance. For example, my one goal is for POCD and to sit with the discomfort of maybe seeing a kid on social media and immediately panicking over what people may think if I like the video or if I shouldn’t find the kid cute, etc. Well, I feel like sometimes (which I’m not in a super bad depressive state) I sort of stop myself and remind myself things logically to sort of push that stress away… I can’t tell if maybe this is just another compulsion. Writing it down sort of makes me feel like maybe it’s leaning toward compulsion and I just thought it was logic… whoops? Ah idk.

Anyone deal with sexual thoughts regarding family members? Makes me sick. I know it’s OCD and I’m constantly trying to remind myself I’ve been here with other content before but it’s so disturbing. Also has anyone had past themes resurface again? Thank you in advance to whoever shares.

Why is it making me think I like these things, when I don't, just because I'm not disgusted by them? And I think this person is nice, if a bit odd, but because of that, it's telling me I must like her and I'm getting a response that feels real, all because of the way I'm assuming they look at me, and makes me uncomfortable, but I'm not shying away from it. (But anything that seems remotely sexual with anything sends off things in me, like sexual disturbing things and makes me think I like them too because they seem sexual. Same with kids). But I don't want it but, my god, it feels so real. It's messing with me, it's going "you like her." And I'm not always fighting it, which brings on more response, which makes me more convinced and then it gets persistent. I've never had anything like this. Please does this sound familiar?

Lately my intrusive thoughts are centered on my kids. Why is ocd coming for what is most precious to me?? This is so painful and the hardest i’ve ever had to deal with. The more I tell the ocd it isn’t true the more it tries to make me feel that it is. I can’t live like this😢

My head is a crazy mess. My SO-OCD is now focused on a particular person, and so every time they come into the room a get anxious, I get uncomfortable, it makes me panic in my head and a my head thinks is "you like etc" and creates a false narrative and false response/attraction that feels so f***ing real. The worst thing is, I didn't always get anxious, but I'm still not interested, but my mind starts playing scenarios in my head as if they were, and it's thoughts. Plus, subconscious worry of them popping into my head and they've are, all the time and it creates more false responses which makes me anxious, which then makes my mind go "omg you do" which makes it worse. All because she comes across as been interested which, with my so-ocd (and pocd) flare up), just makes me panic and my mind starts thinking all sorts. I think I now do this over any girl who I think is gay. I'm seeing a guy a like, I'm anxious because of self esteem issues, I'm awkward, I don't want to embarrass myself and look stupid, say the wrong thing etc, at the same time scrutinising him, then panicking because I'm analysing and, today, while we're making out a bit, never allowing myself to get into it because I'm afraid of messing up etc and I'm socially awkward and I'm hyperfocused on what's happening and, guess who pops into my head mid intimacy and makes me panic and then then get immediate things. The SO-OCD has blocked everything in general with him and guys. I hate this so much because it feels so convincing and yet I know it isn't because I'm not interested but all the time my head is like "oh god, you/I do etc." Which makes it more intense. I mean I had this in a classroom full of kids last week but it was more generalised. But my POCD has also been focused on a couple of individuals (with responses) and it made me feel I was attracted. Does this make any sense to anyone?

This is about pornography addiction. Back when I was still greatly suffering through it, I remember watching videos I shouldn't have when I was a lot younger. It genuinely did have an effect on my well being and it made me act out in ways no kid should. No kid should be exposed to these things for that matter. I keep focusing on this one time where I made a taboo search about all something and it had the word "lil" in it. After I did this I just started crying badly because of how much of a problem this was for me but now I'm getting thoughts that are saying I did this because I wanted to see kids and that's really scary because I don't want to do that. I really don't want to believe that and I would not want to do that to myself. I didn't see anything inappropriate when that happened from what I remember but I just want stop thinking about these two sides of the event. I think I was around 18 at the time. Something like this also happened when I saw this really disgusting playlist on YouTube that had children in it and creeps saving videos. I couldn't believe it to be true so morbid curiosity came in and when I went through them they were very real and it was very disgusting. I remember freaking out about this so much and I couldn't calm down for that night. It was terrible. I hated that so much. What really scares me about that is before I found this I was watching videos that were fine but just when everything was coming to an end that playlist came up in the midst of it and it made me feel absolutely disgusting. I just hate how much porn messed up my life and I wish I could take it all back. I still get haunting memories of it every single day one way or the other and I'm never at peace with it fully. It always messes with my mind and I can't let it go because of uncertainty. I also hate that through my addiction, I've seen very questionable content without even trying to look for it, which I can't stand. I hate that shit so much. I make specific searches that I find reasonable but even still bad things show up regardless. I just feel disgusting about this completely and it's one of several things that has always kept my self esteem very low. I don't know what to do.

i recently got home from university and ive been nervous about seeing my siblings but now im overthinking what if i like my little sister and im paying attention to how anxious i am around her and everything and i dont know if this is attraction or ocd, i look in my siblings room to check how i feel and its just so much anxiety and idk, also my medication is like making my anxiety block out, so its like im saying this but im not as panicky which is scary, ive been writing in my notes about this though so that probably means its intrusive idk

i saw a family member post their kid, he is super adorable and funny ive met him before. but ever since seeing that my pocd is telling me i want to hurt him and or do something to him. im really close with his mom i look up to her a lot im scared that u will find out and i will be shunned forever. I don’t want to do anything to him. but these thoughts feel so real and it feels like my body is just gonna get up and commit a crime. she is very spiritual and I go to her for advice a lot, im scared she’s gonna get bad vibes or negative intentions from me I just want to be a good person I don’t want to hurt anyone especially him :( another thing is I had a thought that he looked like my ex and he does and even looks how he looked when HE was a baby but im scared that that means im a p. I hate this :( I get groinal responses and rapid intrusive thoughts it’s so draining :(

Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

I’ve been suffering with pure ocd for the past 8-9 months with ups and downs, which has been impacting everything, I’ve tried my best to convince myself to identify that they’re only thoughts and don’t define me, but the fact their pure and I just have mental compulsions is so draining, I feel like I can’t take this anymore, and the doubt that comes along with it is so bad, I’ve also been on meds which haven’t helped at all, still feeling depressed and anxious all the time. Yesterday, I read how someone having was having thoughts regarding kids, I now fear that I’ll get the same which I really don’t want and now just constantly ruminating over that, im constantly just worried about my future, career and relationships as I’ve always wanted to do a lot of things in life, and the past year has been hell for me, I dunno what to do anymore? I’ve got a month till I’m seeing a private therapist, does this ever get better , I just wanna be myself again without these thoughts bothering me all the time and that feeling of having to be scared of them coming into my mind, and not having to life with the doubts. I also get thoughts of ending it all, but that’s now what I want but I feel so trapped in my own head. Please does anyone have advice, I’ve tried everything, meditation, medication, trying to convince myself it’s just my mind, but I can’t stop the worry and just accept the intrusive thoughts without feeling so distressed.

This is going to be a long post so to anyone who will read it and will share feedback, thank you. I’ve realized I’ve lost all respect for myself. When I was 14 years old I experienced my first ever intrusive thought. I was with my childhood friend whose dad passed away when we were babies. I had a thought that I hope he went to hell and if he were alive, I’d rape him. As a 14 year old kid that really scared me, and the thought still scares me to this day. I’m 22. I researched my symptoms and of course, OCD popped up. I went through many therapy sessions, and I finally got diagnosed with OCD about 2 years ago. I’ve had a really bad confessing problem that whenever I have an intrusive thought, I HAVE to confess it to people, especially if the thought is specifically about them. My childhood friends mom found out I had this thought about her dead husband and basically pushed me out of my friends life to “protect her” that if I were to ever tell her, her mom would make sure her daughter never spoke to me again. This happened about a year ago, and to this day I believe subconsciously it has stuck with me because of the fact that I made someone so uncomfortable that they had to push me out of their life. Especially since they were people who have known me since I was a baby. I’ve started using alcohol and other substances to numb this pain that I endure. My OCD has even started taking over my new relationship. He thinks I’m perfect in every way and I just can’t seem to believe that. I’ve already gotten fears that I’ve cheated on him and or will cheat on him in the future. He’s one of the most precious people I have ever met, and though I have already told him a few of my intrusive thoughts and have explained to him what I go through, I feel as though if he found out about other thoughts I’ve had that he would cut me off completely, just like other people have in the past. I can’t help but feel like a terrible person and friend for all the thoughts I’ve had. I never thought I’d be in this situation where I’m experimenting new substances and getting drunk every weekend. I’ve really failed and not sure what to do at this point. I don’t feel I deserve to be happy or take care of myself. The situation with my friends mother is a prime example.

Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe mistake 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22.

Anyone has experienced being hyperaware of their private parts? Like i don’t have any intrusive thoughts but when i become aware of my private parts i start feeling weird and guilty and then the thoughts begin and i start to panic and feeling overwhelmed cause i get intrusive thoughts on my sexual abuse from when i was a teenager

My POCD randomly triggered over a friendship I have with someone who is eighteen. I’m sixteen and I have no intention of dating them however we do make jokes and are very affectionate. Nothing bad, normal internet friendships but it’s making me nervous that I’m somehow a victim or something even though I have no issues with it. Is this okay?

Can someone please tell me I’m not alone? Can you share your experience with getting intrusive S3xual thoughts please Because I feel like it’s not talked about and it’s something I really struggle with and I’m scared I’m the only one getting these disturbing and fucked up thoughts and scared I want them and that it’s actually me and not my ocd For example : I feel like I’m constantly constantly getting S3xualised thoughts of people I’m related to especially when I’m trying to have S3xual time

Ive made horrible childhood mistakes at the ages of 12 and 13 I heavily regret... It was separate events when i was 12 and 13... I didn't know how horrible the mistakes were at the time... the mistakes were extremely horrible... i dont ever want to be what my pocd and real events ocd say about me... I genuinely feel so horribly and as a 22 year old in pre-med, idk if i even deserve happiness because of my extremely horrible childhood mistakes...