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So I wrote a list of my daily stressors down and came up with over 20 individual things that stress me out on a daily basis which is insane that I didn't notice this before hand 😅🤦‍♂️ Organising is something I haven't had a whole lot of structure with my whole life as I wasn't taught it in school or by my parents. That's a reason and now I know, it can't be an excuse any more. I felt like I should've known before but it is what it is 🤷‍♂️ Does anyone have any advice on how to be better organised? I want my daily stress and anxiety levels to go down. Just to mention, I'm not an overly stressy person but it simmers under the surface and eventually gets to a boiling point weekly. I believe better organising and routines will sort out the majority of my stressors. Any input is welcome 😊

recently, while on a hiking and climbing trip, i came into contact with some poison oak. living in cali, this is normal. when i got home i made sure to use Tecnu, clean all the right stuff, x y z you know the drill. A few days later i start getting a pretty bad rash on my ankle. After a day or two it had spread to large portions of both of my ankles, and even up my legs. This was the beginning of hell. For the past week or so i have been in a constant state of needing to itch, NEEDING. so bad it hurts and i actually physically cannot stop myself from scratching. Which of course makes it worse. I have been dealing with very very bad OCD for my entire life, and for the most part, have been good about my routines, what i need to do, dealing with thoughts and intrusions, but this brought it to a whole new level tonight, when i broke down crying after my father brought my phone into my room. i had left it in the bathroom after my shower, and had gone and done my other stuff, cleaning off surfaces, getting dressed, on this occasion changing my sheets because the old set had been giving me new spots of poison oak on my arms. It was late (for me), i had just had a VERY eventful evening, most of it bad, and i was tired. Thats one thing i didn't realize for a long time is how tired my OCD makes me. It is so draining to worry and to clean and to criticise myself and every last one of these things. I had just put on my new sheets, i was tired but finally okay with everything. Suddenly my dad bangs on the door, pissed. Turns out my alarm to go to bed had been going off and he heard it and it pissed him off. In an attempt to not raise anymore questions i just grabbed it from him and closed the door, apologizing. I stood there for a minute, feeling the germs from my phone seeping into my hands before i tossed it on the ground and furiously covered my hands in hand sanitizer. i sat down on my bed and out of no where started crying. I don't cry often. I am a 17 year old guy. i don't want to play into stereotypes but i really don't cry. even when im sad i just sit with it. i've never been good at it, i cry completely silently, even if its sobs. But i eventually laid back and just cried. i couldn't stop crying. i kept repeating i was so tired and i couldn't do it anymore. After a while i finally got myself up. I went along with my night, and it took so long. I can't describe to you how goddamn tiring it is. I just want to go to bed, but my bedside table is touching my bed, which is where my old sheets were, my charging cable by my bed has touched my old sheets, so it must be cleaning. My feet are disgusting from walking only from my bathroom to my room, i touched one little thing and now i have to coat my hand in hand sanitizer that is rapidly depleting because i use it so much. i can't touch any of my old water cups because i touched them when my hands had been in my old sheets, my phone is absolutely nasty from today, the bottle of calamine lotion i use on my poison oak was touched when my hands were gross, god the list goes on. I am so tired. i just want to sleep. sorry for such a long post, i am just so tired of not talking about it all. Have a good night Dan

I'm trying to do this on my own without meds, but I am having trouble convincing myself that I don't need to do a compulsion after a trigger. That it's ok to skip a compulsion, because I don't feel like it is. I want to clean and clean and clean, so that there are fewer compulsions and then try to address them. Short of that, I want technology to catch up and make life with ocd as functional as life without ocd.

Some of my friends have noticed that things have got worse for me and have asked me what is wrong. I try to explain it in a way that shows how much I’m struggling but not so that they think I’m crazy but they just don’t get it. This would be fine but they think that they understand and they just don’t. One of my best friends asked if I was going to a psychiatrist and being tested for psychosis because I get annoyed when one of our friends chew loudly. What do I do it’s so frustrating.

I’m a 31-year-old woman born into a Muslim family. I don't know if my childhood was good or bad because it was strange. When I was born, my parents left me with my mother's sister, but my mother sent money and gifts. However, I never felt the warmth of a mother or father. Even my aunt was not present; she left me with the housemaid. This affected me significantly, and when I speak, my language is weak. Don't ask me why I didn't improve myself during those 16 years; I was utterly lost. I sought motherly affection from every woman I met in school. I don't know if this is the reason for my homosexuality. Suddenly, without warning, my aunt returned me to my family when I was 16. She would contact me, asking if I prayed, even though she never taught me how. When I turned 20, I searched online for how to pray because even my parents never taught me. From then on, I started suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) related to cleanliness and repeatedly performing prayers. By the time I was 27, I stopped praying because there was a voice in my head that wouldn't stop. Even after I stopped, the OCD continued, and the voice persisted. I don't know if the OCD is due to my childhood lifestyle.

I have been anxious about this one specific thing for a few days now. I keep telling my parents about it over and over again. I am going on a big trip tomorrow with my friend and big trips or events trigger my OCD into thinking the trip has to be perfect. Should I tell my Mom what keeps bothering me before I leave for my trip even though I’ve already told her several times about it the past few days I’ve been anxious about it and even though she keeps getting mad at me for repeating it?

hi everyone found this app out of desperation, because i realized i never really had control of my ocd. ironically most of my ocd triggers revolve around being out of control. i have recently noticed that the stress i’m under is taking a physical toll on my body. to the point where last night i spent 5 hours in the emergency room because i was convinced i was having a heart attack and had a blood clot that was killing me. it was heart burn. i had to get an iv which is another phobia i have, needles. which i’ve been inadvertently doing my own exposure therapy due to my extreme health anxiety and needing to have tests done. every headache is an aneurism, every cough is a blood clot, every pain is cancer, tender breasts during my period is cancer, etc etc. i just turned 30. the age everyone tells you you’re too young but you know that’s not really true. so says my ocd. because if they say i’m too young i’m the exception. and besides! KIDS get cancer and die every day, why not me. so after they tell me it’s not a heart attack, it’s not a blood clot-after an xray, blood test, ekg, the next day the heart burn i’ve been experiencing for three days straight starts to lessen. go figure. talk about irony. the thing i’m afraid of is causing the thing i’m afraid of. and what’s worse is it genuinely seems logical. when you have people on the internet telling you, that’s how my sister died, and women’s heart attack symptoms look different! and if i stopped now (if i stopped caring) in my eyes, the odds are that i’ve gone this long without anything being wrong, of course when i stop compulsively checking, researching, going to the dr, looking for reassurance, that’s when it would happen. boom dead. and i can’t sleep, but lack of sleep can make you sick, damages your brain. and i can’t eat, but lack of calories you cant think, your body can’t function. and when i can eat, it’s too much, i have stomach pain, my intestines don’t work, it’s definitely colon cancer! speaking of which that DOES run in my family. and so like i do i wanted a colonoscopy and everyone told me i was too young. but tmi (which i believe we are way past that at this point) i have horrible ibs (cue irony again, stress makes it worse!!) and im severely constipated, which means i get fissures and have hemeroids. aka BLEEDING out of my body. so they said sure, but you’re too young to find anything. well they did, a polyp and they said i’m extremely lucky because it’s so rare to find anything in someone so young. (again young? didn’t people only live till 40 up until a few centuries ago?) anyway so that validated my fears to the point where i’m convinced im physic. my ocd loves it. i don’t believe in god, anymore. when i did it was fuel to my ocd fire. as a little 7 year old i didnt know what ocd was, but i’ve been responsible for the health, death, etc of my friends and family ever since. now that its not praying its through other means like, holding my breath waking up stairs, having to walk evenly on each foot, i honestly dont even have that many examples because its unconscious at this point. i wont even realize im doing it, ill look down and im pressing the tips of my fingers so they all feel even. whatever that means. i try not doing it and i get nauseous. after all it’s not hurting anyone. rather the opposite, im saving lives! please sense my sarcasm here. anyway the list goes on and on. and here i am, 30. “too young” to have any problems. but when i think back to when i was first diagnosed, i think 9 years old. i thought 30 WAS OLD! and you know what, it’s starting to feel too old for this shit. it’s exhausting, aggravating, isolating, anything but good. and i genuinely apologize if any of this is triggering. i just need to get this off my chest. im grateful i have a loving family and partner, but i put so much of this on them. and they don’t know what it’s like and im glad. i downloaded this app and read through the first couple posts and started to cry. of course its sad but more than anything people actually feel the same way as me. i’m not the only one im not alone. that matters to me.

Since the age of 11/12 i've struggled with OCD. It started when I was at secondary school. My compulsion was to constantly check my homework was packed for the next day, this would happen all too frequently. I never really knew what was happening and just accepted this is who I am without really speaking to my parents about it. OCD has continued and various sub types have appeared and disappeared over time, still at this point I just thought "this is me and everyone has their quirks" I'm now into my mid 30's and in particular the last 3/4 years have been incredibly difficult. I was definitely in a state of depression alongside with chronically bad OCD and anxiety. I'm thankfully past that stage without much external help or medication. Since the start of this year I've been doing mindfulness exercises and learning more about OCD. I live in the UK and have not seen a doctor about this and therefore never been diagnosed. The general advice seems to be to use telephone talking services? I'd be interested to know more from people living in the UK about what there experience has been with our public or private services?

Does anyone suffer from emerophobia? Currently doing exposure therapy and very triggered by it. And also very frustrated to that I’m not “cured” I have the compulsions to ask loved ones “do you think I’ll get sick?” And I need them to say “no”. Well my therapist wants them to say “it’s a possibility” and also tell myself that too. It’s hard. First few days was hard. I broke down a lot and had a ton of anxiety. After a week or so it got Easier. However I felt sick tonight after dinner idk if I was still hungry or anxious or what but I felt nauseous. I tried to tell myself “it’s ok it happens and just because I feel nauseous doesn’t mean I’ll get sick” I was ok but I just ain’t ok. I’m coping the ways I can, took my emergency medicine for anxiety and I’m just doing my coping skills. I’m frustrated because living like this is so draining. Not just the emetophobia but the ocd compulsions, the intrusive thoughts, the looping in your head…People don’t understand they think it’s just “oh I need my refrigerator organized” my house is a mess I can barely keep up with it because of this…. Half the time I’m scared that if I throw away something bad will happen. Resorting into clutter.. I can barely leave my house in the morning cuz I’m afraid my house will burn down, or my cats will get out of the house and I’ll never see them again. Resulting into me being late to work almost every morning. Terrified to go to bed because I’m worried I’ll wake up and get sick, I have to stay awake until a certain time and then it’s safe….😢 anyways I needed to just get this off my chest, and would like to see if anyone else experiences similar things.

When I was a young child, I always wanted my sock on perfect an my shoes clean. My family would say I was stubborn an kinda crazy. As I got older I did certain things they way I wanted them, not to abnormal. But when I was about 14 years wow I wanted everything clean an in line an to be organized, well my stuff more. My family said I was crazy or weird. Not to mean just did not understand neither did I myself. It was not to abnormal as I went threw high school. After I was married at age 20 an had a child so I focused on her more, but still had the cleaning an organizing going on more an more. I never ask for help because I just thought I was different an just was that way for reason. My husband did not say much of it to me, maybe he though I was nuts. He did make me nervous at times saying I was always doing pitaly stuff. Never ask about it or said maybe you need help. So after my kids grew up I divorced my husband, should of divorce him a long time ago I just was afraid to leave my kids an go work. I was noticing I had ocd even more now in 2008. I never told a doctor about my problems maybe they put me in that house where people never got help. I say that, when I was in my last 40 years I went to a lady she was a pycoligist, I talk about myself more to her an she really said nothing, about my problem, she did tell me if I lost weight it be good for me. I visit with her about 4 times she was more concerned with my weight. She was a bone an kept smoking an drinking coffee. She told me to take some pills for troubles an I told her I was getting headaches, she was upset with that so I told myself this lady is not for me an I left never ask for that kind of help again. I had free health insurance mercy care , An only allow so much. I am now 62 an count everyday for everything it makes me cry, But I do not let no one see me, might say to me crazy need to be some place. I live with my daughter she 43 years an has M . S she take a pill for her M.S , She has her own big problem. Sometimes I tell her I have ocd very bad today. I just want to be home, sorry if I am this way. She say it okay mom but you need help. Recently in December or 2023 I lost my free health insurance, mercy care, because my ex-husband died in 2023 of February, I was able to receive like widower support. I had never work much at all or had an income. So now in 2024 I have no health insurance. Just now looking for affordable health insurance. Still counting everyday some days good, some days just getting threw a day. I have a cat she makes me feel better, she getting older now. Thanks

i feel like im being crushed by the weight of deadlines and my thoughts. i have so much to do in the next 3 weeks and i feel so distracted by my brain. i just got diagnosed with OCD and it feels good to put a name to all these endless thoughts i have. i think so much and never get a break and on top of it im so overwhelmed by assignments i feel paralyzed (i have adhd, too). even when i do things i enjoy my brain still somehow thinks of something to ruin the moment. 🫠

i hate the way my eyebrows look and i can’t get them to look right. on the tops of both i keep slightly trimming it because i keep seeing one looking higher than the other and i’m trying to get certain pieces of my eyebrows to be the same height. one looks much more shabbier than the other. I have nobody with me right now. I started a little more than an hour ago and i’m scared it’s going to go on all night. This is so stressful and i’m scared i’m going to ruin something in my eyebrows. Everytime i see my eyebrows I feel they’re uneven and ones thicker than the other. for the past few days i’ve been avoiding even looking at them and i even put a headband over my eyebrows while brushing my teeth. The urge was getting to me because i kept feeling them with my hands without looking at them and i felt something to be wrong. additionally i saw them accidentally a few times and i didn’t like how it looked. eventually i gave in and fully saw them bc i couldn’t stand the feeling of walking around with uneven eyebrows. i need help correcting them, i’ve asked family and nobody can help rn. I’m still standing in front of the mirror trying to make them perfect but i’m scared to ruin something. pls help what can i do to make myself feel it’s correct

So I have episodes at night where I can’t sleep. Like it’ll feel like hours have passed and that I slept fully through the might. When in reality maybe an hour has passed. And most of these nights I have bad dreams. My bad dreams are bad lucid dreams… They’re not uncontrollable…because I have a conscious and am aware. But they’re bad because of the situations I’m in. It’s like living in an alternate world Anyways, In my dream I was up north. It was a school night. Actually Sunday, like it was when I went to bed. In my dream all these animals were walking to this side on the street near the woods and dying. In my dream I concluded they had a disease that made them all travel there. But then my dog started to walk over there. Across the street at night. I was sobbing because this dog means more than anything ever could to me. I would do anything for this dog. I mean it. And she was what I concluded as “infected” I had to go to her because it was a school night. And I walked into this house that was the place I was staying. It was a friend of my mom’s boyfriends. But when I walked inside my room in the hours was destroyed like people were trashing it and rearranging it. Which is horrible….. like I irl, panic over people Rearranging small things of mine…. But this was crazy. My stuff was ruined and everywhere. And there were like ten people in there just chilling after doing this. When this happens irl I do compulsions, and I did. I found a sink. I washed my hands a lot. But then I had to eat dinner and as I was eating my sandwich I remembered how all those animals were dying of a brainwashing diessease. So I started panicking and sobbing that I was now infected and was going to die. Like eating my sandwich was going to cause me death. I started counting yo my safe numbers like I usually do. But it wouldn’t help. So I ran to the bathroom in my dream and started to vomit up everything I could and LITERALLY wash the inside of my mouth. I woke up thinking I was about to get ready for school, but maybe an hour had passed…. I can’t fall asleep again, It’s 00:48 I went to bed at 11:30-something Or tried It took me so long of feeling out of place. I can’t do this anymore. The worst part was - actually two. My compulsions weren’t working in my dream which was very upsetting because I needed something to calm me down…. And two, WHY DID MY DOG GET INFECTED- The nerve wracking thing is, my dog is up north with my grandma right now. My brain keeps telling me to text my grandma and ask how my dog is…. But what if I text her and that CAUSES something bad to happen….. I don’t know what to do- I need sleep- I wake up at four.. (4:00 am) I can’t- Sleep- I don’t want to dream again, being tapped in my own head. Sorry for any typos, or if this makes no sense. I’m half asleep. Very tired. Scared and just got done crying.

hey:) My name is mai, i‘m 18 years old. I think I‘ve been struggling with OCD almost all my life - eventhough i‘ve only realized it lately, thanks to a friend that made me aware of the fact that the horrifying thoughts and impulses i sometimes experience, are not „just a little stress and insecurity“. When i was a little kid i had very long hair. People always commented on it, sometimes they said things that triggered an unproportional huge amount of anxiety in me. I Never wanted to cut my hair. Someday my sister and a friend told me that if i wasn‘t going to cut it soon, they’d come at night and do it for me when i sleep. I was always a sensible and fragile person that thinks too much and doesn‘t know where to put these thoughts. At that time i didn‘t realize how much these words and fears affected me, but unconsciously i started controlling if my hair was still there every 40-60 seconds. I could not sleep if my hair was not hanging over my right shoulder where i could see and feel it. I always wore it on the right, and checked it - constantly, until one day a doctor told me that my neck was suffering due to the weight and the tense position that my head was always in. Then i decided to end this fear and cut it, so that the pain and fears would stop, reminding myself that i could always regrow it. The fear disappeared, and for some years, in which i struggled with other disorders, the OCD symptoms seemed to be somewhere in the back of my mind. I just finished school, and now i‘m preparing for the TMS (a test in Germany that increases your chances of getting into med school). Since the structure and safety of going to school regularly is missing, and since i don‘t know if I’ll be accepted for one of the subjects i‘d like to study, i feel very much out of control. I feel helpless, at the mercy of strangers and i‘m so afraid of failing the expectations i have for myself. Since this phase of „being out of control and safety“ has started, i suddenly experienced a lot of different anxieties, some of them causing panic attacks on a regular basis. I obsess about my health, i find new symptoms and proofs I could be dead or very Sick in the next few days - every week. I‘ve been to my doctor so often i think he‘s really annoyed because of my ideas. Sometimes i also have psychological fears, like what if i‘m losing my mind.? What if i‘m having a psychosis? What if nothing is even real and everything is just an illusion? Thinking about life and existence frightens me a lot. I can‘t drink alcohol of caffeine anymore because i‘m convinced it will change my perception of reality in a way i couldn‘t handle. Some days i wake up and think that the colour of the socks i choose to wear will determine what kind of day This will become. I often worry that i bother people too much, that i‘m annoying and Just hopeless and that eventually people will realize how exhausting i am, and leave. It’s especially bad in romantic relationships, and it makes everything hard to enjoy. I have now chosen to work on myself, on my real fears - that lay beneath the things i think to fear. I want to educate myself on this disease and get my life back. I‘ll make a list of things that i used to love, and am now too afraid to do. I want my life back from my anxiety and OCD.

I'm a bit confused on ERP. I understand not doing a compulsion in response to an instruive thought, but the planned, on purpose exposures confuse me. For example, I'm ordering a new phone and I had an instruive thought that said "When the phone arrives, you're going to take, soap, toothpaste, olive oil, etc. and put it on your phone before you put the screen protector on." A weird thought, I know. So now for exposure, I need to do what the intrusive thought says? I imagine I'll worry that I've smeared something on my phone before I put the screen protector on. I don't actually want to smear anything on my phone, I think that could damage it. But, for exposure, are you supposed to do this? It's confusing. What makes sense to me, and what I come back to is just letting the intrusive thought be a thought, and not doing a compulsion. That makes sense to me. It's the extra, planned exposure part that confuses me, and honestly gets me stuck in a worry cycle about ERP/CBT therapy itself.

I took my license picture at the DMV yesterday. And since I was a child, I’ve prided myself on having a nice ID picture since I know people say it’s rare and I like to be annoyingly special. Well, the last time I was at the DMV, the clerk was obviously floating with me so he allowed me to retake my picture like 3 times. That was over 5 years ago so when I went to get my picture renewed, I was thinking about how I got to retake it a bunch last time. I just knew I wanted it to look good. When it came time to take the photo, they didn’t even have my look into the camera but at a sticky note that had a smiley face on it. Already, I started to feel uncomfortable because I wasn’t looking at a camera so how could my picture, eyes, smile, and head all be centered in the box??? It couldn’t be possible. As these thoughts spiraled through my mind, I tried my best to smile and it was all over in 3 seconds. I should have just left it at that. But as I was leaving, I turned to look at the monitor and I saw my picture. My head was NOT centered. And my face was turned at a weird angle that I was NOT intending. The only good thing I noticed were that my cheekbones look nice. And now I have to have this picture on my license for 5 years… I know that I’ll eventually be able to look at it, and even accept it. But right now, it feels like an itchy caving hole in my chest. Like the world is going to end because my license picture isn’t formatted perfectly. I’m sad that the picture is off and also shaming myself for feeling this way. UGH

Help! If you can’t picture yours or your partners body parts and bodies perfectly in your head does that mean you’re picturing someone else’s body or body parts or that you’re turned on over someone else? Please let me know I worry because I would never get off or feel turned on by anyone else but I feel confused when I haven’t pictured something perfectly 100% does it mean what I’m worried about??

Hi my name is Audrey and this app was recommended to me to join a community with others who have OCD. I want to share my story and I think the best way to do that would be to share my college application essay. I wrote about my OCD journey and I think it sums it up well. Here it is: One of the main debates in grammar is the use of the Oxford comma. Some people strongly believe that you must use the Oxford comma when completing a list, and some people question its very existence. Where do I stand? I love the Oxford comma. But not because I am some big grammar-police, but because I have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and I feel a need for symmetry in my life. My whole life I have always loved when things were symmetrical. If I scratched my right arm, I scratched my left arm too; if I stubbed my left toe, I would purposely stub the right one too; I would line all of my pencils up in a perfect row. I felt a deep need to keep everything symmetrical. So when the debate over the Oxford comma first came to my attention, I, of course, was in support of it. Two commas between three items, nothing seemed more perfect to me. I could not fathom why anyone would not love the Oxford comma. I just always thought everyone's brain worked like mine. That was until I was diagnosed with OCD. I never knew other people didn't think and process information like I did. I never knew how my brain was "faulty" and different from others. When I first received my diagnosis, I felt like the odd pencil out of the row. I had spent my whole life making sure everything was equal and symmetrical, and it turned out that my brain was the unequal one. After my diagnosis, I started exposure therapy. And what did I do to work on my OCD? Well, I would move one pencil out of its row and stare at it until I physically couldn't anymore. I would only stub my right toe and wait while my brain practically screamed at me to stub the left toe. These exercises were hard and uncomfortable, but through therapy I learned to sit with discomfort and unevenness. Before therapy, one thing I struggled with was note-taking. I would write one word and then go back and “fix” the letters until my brain was satisfied, then do the same for the next word. It took twice as long and I would fall behind. I became stressed because I was missing half the notes and felt too embarrassed to ask the teacher to repeat. When I started therapy, this was one of my main issues I wanted to tackle. So, in our sessions, I would have my therapist talk about random topics and I would take notes. In the beginning, I would still go back and fix how I wrote each letter. But the more I practiced continuing writing no matter how uncomfortable my brain made me feel, the more I could write without going back and fixing my handwriting. In the past year, I have been able to take better notes faster than before. Now, I am confident that I will be able to follow along during lectures, and even understand concepts on a deeper level. As I’ve worked to confront my issues head-on, my cognitive flexibility has grown and the disruptive urgency that OCD creates has slowly diminished. My new ability to sit in discomfort has not only been useful with my OCD, but it has been useful in my day-to-day life. I am now able to live with unanswered questions, deal with the possibility that things will not always go my way, and tolerate my anxieties. I feel that these new qualities will serve me well in college and in life. OCD does not make my life better or make me perfectly organized, but it has taught me how to prepare for all of life’s challenges and adversities. But I must admit, despite learning how to tolerate things not being symmetrical, I still do love the Oxford comma. Maybe I am the grammar-police after all.

I haven't changed my underwear in about a week and a half because I don't have any clean underwear, it's all dirty and for some reason I just can't suck it up and do the laundry this time so I've just been wallowing away in my bed feeling and smelling gross, when I think about doing the laundry I get exhausted at the thought and then I think I'm a disgusting failure and then I just don't try at all and I just lay down and sleep to escape it all I don't understand why it's so hard for me to function like other people, my room is a disaster and idk where to start, I'm spiraling so badly, I have a pile of trash in my room that I'm for some reason just waiting for the "perfect moment" to throw away, I can't do this anymore, and I never say anything to my therapist because it's so fucking embarrassing even though I KNOW that she's there to help me through this, I can't bring myself to show anyone the state I let myself live in, I feel guilty and lazy and dumb. I need to ask for help but idk how, I've had help so many times with this and my room always gets worse, I hate my room, I want my old room back, I think I do this to show that I need my old room back? But I can't have it for reasons I don't feel like explaining rn because it's complicated, I miss my childhood room, it was perfect and it had everything I wanted and it was just taken away from me, I didn't mind it being taken, a room is a room, but I'm so possessive of my things and I like to have my things exactly as they are so I don't change anything ever. Even if that means cleaning my room, this is what I know now and I refuse to change it. I wanna fix this so badly

Ever since I was a teen I wondered what my purpose in life is. I constantly wonder when my next long term relationship would end and mentally prepare myself for it so I don’t feel as lost and to have my own closure. No one’s ever proud of me. I don’t understand complexity. I need constant reassurance. I need to check and double check and triple check everything I touch for 5 seconds, especially if I’m locking it. I need to check and be reassured that the dog is in the house. I need to know everything that’s going on, and if there’s a change in plans then count me out. If I park a car I have to pull on locked door handles and make sure the gear shift is in park. I constantly google to try and make sense of my mind and feel somewhat normal or fit in somewhere, but normal is a dream. When I shower I must wash my body and then my hair and then my body again or else I’m not clean because my hair would be dirty from my body or my body would be dirty from my hair, there’s no medium. I cry because I just want to be normal. I’m tired.. Thanks for reading.