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What is the scariest intrusive thought/commands you ever had and how did it affect you?

I have rocd which makes me feel like I’m not attracted to my boyfriend But now I have done something wrong and I’m trying not to self harm because of it I keep seeing this guy at the gym who I had a thing with when me and my boyfriend weren’t together and we’ve been talking loadsss when we see eachother and its very flirty I have told my boyfriend whenever this happens but haven’t told him about it yesterday because he said if it happens again he will break up with me and also he’s going through stuff so really don’t wanna make him upset I hold my hands up and know I shouldn’t keep ACTING on the thoughts because that’s when it’s bad But I just get so scared that I’m not in love with my boyfriend of nearly 4years idk what to do I see a future with him but feel like he deserves much better than me now and that I’ve ruined it and that it’s not real because I’ve been disrespectful And like when I’m with him I’m not thinking about the other guy or anything and like I’m genuinely happy with him but sometimes I get thoughts everytime I say “I love you” that’s like: “no you don’t “ or “you’re lying” “you’re not attracted to him” Don’t know what’s wrong with me just want to love my boyfriend peacefully but I’m the one ruining it like why don’t I have self control

I have rocd which makes me feel like I’m not attracted to my boyfriend But now I have done something wrong and I’m trying not to self harm because of it I keep seeing this guy at the gym who I had a thing with when me and my boyfriend weren’t together and we’ve been talking loadsss when we see eachother and its very flirty I have told my boyfriend whenever this happens but haven’t told him about it yesterday because he said if it happens again he will break up with me and also he’s going through stuff so really don’t wanna make him upset I hold my hands up and know I shouldn’t keep ACTING on the thoughts because that’s when it’s bad But I just get so scared that I’m not in love with my boyfriend of nearly 4years idk what to do I see a future with him but feel like he deserves much better than me now and that I’ve ruined it and that it’s not real because I’ve been disrespectful And like when I’m with him I’m not thinking about the other guy or anything and like I’m genuinely happy with him but sometimes I get thoughts everytime I say “I love you” that’s like: “no you don’t “ or “you’re lying” “you’re not attracted to him” Don’t know what’s wrong with me just want to love my boyfriend peacefully but I’m the one ruining it like why don’t I have self control

I was completely under control of my ocd with medication. I always doubt whether I will commit something wrong that was my ocd but I understand that I need to do it by myself if something bad want to happen. Because of my anxiety when I have obsessive thoughts and that only remain as thoughts. But now a new type of thought occurred for first time which I try to eliminate by using logic but I can't. If someone can help me it would be helpful. The thought is when I move my body any parts for eg. Hand I consciously move it with giving force but the real physiology behind this movement is brain send signals to spinal cord then to muscles to carry out movement .then doubting thought arise .so is my brain controlling the movement . Then AM I not fully controlling my voluntary action.can my obession thought take place into action harm obession if I am not fully controlling my body rather brain control it .kindly give me a reply

Really need some prayers and support as I feel so horrible. My harm OCD gets so bad. It may means nothing for you but is very triggering to me when I see bugs in my pool. I was swimming in the pool yesterday after work. I try not to pay attention on bugs cause every time I try to save them my ocd twists things. I have a special floating pillow that helps animals to get out of the pool so they don’t drown. Bugs sit on it sometimes. Yesterday I tried to remove some of these bugs so they don’t fall into water to save them. Then I left them alone but thought came that some of them may dropped in water cause moved that floating pillow. I wanted to check what has happened. It was getting dark so I used my phone camera to check if that bug was still on the floating pillow. And it was. Now my mind tells me I might blinded it cause I used my camera light. I thought not to use the light but still did cause could not see it in the dark. I am so tired of it. I can no longer do what I like (gardening, swimming, etc.) as it gets me in trouble with my head. 😞🥲 I think that somehow I still hurt creatures one way or another. Example: I save that bug from drowning in water, then my mind tells me I still somehow caused the harm to that creature. In this case, phone light may blinded it. Everything around is triggering now. I feel I’m never good. 🥲🥲🥲

I’m newly diagnosed with ocd. The onset of my symptoms started a little over a month ago on vacation. I have harm and real event ocd which has sent me down a spiral for a few weeks as the two subtypes work together in convincing me my themes are really true. I didn’t become aware of the possibility that I had ocd until a week after my symptoms started due to the fact that ocd is portrayed so differently in media/movies. I’m beginning to think that my OCD has been with me longer than I imagined and possibly started in my childhood. I had a serious fear of myself and others vomiting especially in school. I can recall two times where my peers vomiting in school caused me to panic. Once I even ran out of the classroom and hid in one of the private bathrooms in elementary school because someone had vomited. As I’ve gotten older I have become somewhat tolerant of seeing others puke but it still startles me. I have a fear of being sick myself and have always been obsessed with tracking who has the stomach flu. A few months prior I was exposed to someone that had it without knowing it and refused to eat a large meal because I was convinced I was gonna have it the next day. I want to make it clear that while I don’t like respiratory illnesses I usually don’t have the intense anxiety and fear of cold and flu stuff. It seems to just be contagious gastrointestinal diseases (Norovirus). Another thing that I’m not sure about is how I am in relationships. Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I have always been extremely worried that he’s going to cheat on me or go behind my back. Well both download the Life360 app because we often drive to see each other and make sure we get home safely and because he wanted to reassure me that he wasn’t doing anything behind my back. This app became my go-to to check his location because I constantly worried. I also freaked out over the smallest “clue” that I would misconstrue and think he was definitely cheating to the point where I was absolutely convinced and at times was ready to walk out. He would literally go the extra mile and give me literal proof that he was innocent but yet I still ended up at square one. I feel incredibly horrible when i ruminate and think about how he felt because Ik he was innocent. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve someone as good as him. He’s been with me every step of the way since my ocd really started. Ik it’s probably just me being super insecure but at the same time I’ve just been diagnosed with ocd and my rumination has often brought me back to moments in life where maybe it was ocd type stuff. Ofc after a while I became convinced that I’m just an absolute horrible person and that I don’t deserve anything and that I have something else other than ocd and it validates everything. I’ve actually had a good few days and have been productive since this first started but I feel like I have something in my mind pulling me back and reminding me that I HAVE TO think about it or else I don’t care and that it’s all true. I also believe I don’t actually have it and just manipulate my way into the diagnosis even though I feel like a prisoner in my own mind.

I am experiencing the absolute worst depersonalization I have ever experienced and I do not know what to do. Nothing feels real and I am so scared and it really feels like I am so detached from myself. What can I do to make this stop? I am so worried I am going to do something horrible in this state. PLEASE HELP!!!

I jumped at the opportunity to share my story when NOCD told me about their advocacy program so today I’m going to tell you all about my OCD journey to help those not feel so alone! I want to start this by saying just because my story may not look like yours doesn’t mean your story isn’t valid! Everyone is different! The first time I remember having an intrusive thought was when I was around the age of 6-7 I remember I was making sandwiches with my father and as I held the knife I had the thought “stab him, you need to stab him” I was so scared at the thought, I thought it meant I was a bad person or that I wanted my father dead. I was terrified. Years later different thoughts and themes would be more prominent and by the time I was in my early 20s was when I read in depth about OCD. I dealt with POCD for YEARS before I got help, I remember doing compulsions like googling to find answers to what I was thinking and feeling or any form of reassurance I could get! While I was googling (and never finding any peace) I came across an article saying “do you have POCD?” I remember thinking “I don’t have OCD, I’ve never been diagnosed and I’m not clean!” It’s crazy what the stigma can make you believe about an illness. I however read the article anyway and I’m so glad I did because that’s how I found NOCD. I realized I had been struggling with POCD as a main theme from the age of 16 (I am now 27) I went to my doctor to get a professional diagnosis and started therapy after a few months of saying “I don’t need therapy, it doesn’t work for me!” I realized my ways of “making things better” AKA compulsions!! Weren’t working and I needed a professional. I was scared, I remember thinking my therapist will think I’m an awful person with awful thoughts and call the police, I can’t tell her the truth about what’s going on in my head! But when I met my therapist I exploded with emotions, crying, telling her everything about what I was thinking and how I was feeling. I desperately needed help and NOCD and my therapist Lourdes were the life line that I needed to get better. My therapist was my rock, constantly cheering me on, telling me “I could do hard things” that simple saying has stuck with me since the first day she said it. I learned how OCD attaches to what you value most, that the reassurance seeking and constant googling I had been doing for my entire life was not helping but hurting my recovery and we worked together to craft the perfect ERP exercises so I could heal. I was doing well for so many months until OCD decided to attach onto another thing that I love and value most, something I wasn’t expecting, my relationship. I had a horrible run of intrusive thoughts about my partner. These thoughts lasted for about 8 months when I realized that I needed an extra boost of help. That medication and therapy would be my best shot at fighting this and that taking medication is nothing to be ashamed of. I started Luvox and continued ERP exercises I am so happy to say that my OCD is very manageable now! I still have intrusive thoughts but they no longer have that intense chokehold on me. I can sit with the uncomfortable feelings and let them pass, I do still catch myself doing compulsions which is a very normal part of recovery and will be something I will most likely catch myself doing for the rest of my life! However it is so important to recognize it and try in the future to resist! I am so happy to say that I have been going on a few months now of minimal intrusive thoughts and anxiety and I am beyond happy in my life and relationship. If you take anything away from this I hope you take away that you are NOT alone, ERP therapy saves lives, it will get better, medication is nothing to be ashamed of and you can do hard things!! You may feel like when you have another tough patch that you’re “right back to where you started” as I have felt in the past, but I promise you that isn’t the case. You can and will get through this and I know that my OCD may get worse again but I know with the support of my therapist, my inner circle and the support of this community I can and will make it through. We can do this and I know it may be scary at first and may feel impossible to get better or that somehow you’re the exception and that nothing will help you get better but I promise you that’s not the case. I felt the exact same way before I started therapy. You will get better, I believe in you and you aren’t alone ❤️

I Recently diagnosed with ocd. The onset of my symptoms started a month ago today. I just moved back in with my parents because I am in the process of transferring colleges. I was doing great. I took a vacation about 2 weeks after I moved back on and planned on relaxing then coming back home to prepare myself for the upcoming semester at the local college (I am going into nursing school). The vacation started out great. The first day made me drowsy because of how long of a flight I had and also switching time zones. The second day was full of fun activities. I really enjoyed that day and what there was to do not knowing what was coming that night. Fast forward to that night I was pretty worn out from the day and started to settle down the way I usually do before bed. I love scrolling through YouTube and used to love watching content such as crime network as this was something me and my bf routinely watched and talked about. The video just happened to be about a kid who had done something absolutely horrific. I was pretty invested in the video at first but then all of a sudden got a thought about me doing something horrible to my family. I was so shaken by this thought and felt a physical shock to my body. My heart started to pound out of my chest and I didn’t know what was going on and how to react to something like this. My only reaction was to go take a long bath. That bath somewhat helped and I somehow was able to go to sleep afterward. I woke up the next morning and began remembering what happened a few hours prior and just thought that it was “just a weird thought” and tried to push it off. I had a full agenda that day and didn’t wanna dwell on it. At first that day started out ok. I went and ate lunch at a great restaurant in the area. Though I didn’t feel the distress, the thought of what I experienced the night prior was still there and kept popping up. Suddenly the violent thoughts of me harming my family hit me again. I was out doing stuff with my family at the time and remember being so panicked and confused but yet I couldn’t show any of what I was feeling. The rest of that day was ruined. I remember watching my family enjoying the activities but I just kinda sat there and pretended. The thoughts turned into some kind of voice or command. All I heard was “you’re going to enjoy the rest of the day but this is your family’s last time alive together” and things of that nature. I felt so sick and confused. This ultimately went on throughout the vacation and ruined it. It would come and go and sometimes I thought it had gone away only to return again. It’s been a month now since this started and it has snowballed into crazy obsessions. Sometimes they are still about my family but it has morphed into obsessions of being the next serial killer or mass murderer. I keep thinking back to my childhood and all of my mistakes and taking that as proof that I’m a psychopath and have every mental illness ever despite every dr I’ve compulsively seen telling me that I’m not. I ruminate over shows about crime that I’ve seen in the past and envision myself following in the same footsteps of these killers. I can’t do anything without relating to what Ive heard about those people. 2 weeks ago it got so bad that I literally slept all day and was up all night researching all of this stuff. I’ve become almost emotionally blunt to things and even the thoughts which in turn gives me anxiety. For the past 3 days now I have been productive for the first time and actually eating somewhat normally again. Even though I feel better than I have I still have something nagging at me in my mind that makes me feel guilty for doing anything other than googling or doing my compulsions. I don’t feel the anxiety I have been and that alone is freaking me out. I’m in doubt that I have ocd even though I’ve been diagnosed by 3 professionals including a therapist. I am scheduled to start erp this week with NOCD. I feel like I’m living life behind a glass wall. I see everyone going on with life and wanna be able to engage and enjoy the things that I used for without the worry. I feel like I have a bully in the back of my mind constantly shouting at me when I’m trying to live life and it always calls me back. I catch myself looking a pictures taken prior to the start of this and feel like I’m looking at a different person. I often think about stuff like what if I never watched that video, what if I had known a day or even an hour before it started and had some warning sign about how my life was about to change. My ocd makes me feel like a narcissist or horrible person for posting this because I always doubt this diagnosis and say that I manipulated myself into it even though this has really been my experience. If this really is ocd then I don’t wish this on my worst enemy. I wanted to share this so maybe someone going through this similar manifestation of the disorder can relate and won’t feel as alone as I do.

It's the middle of the night and I just had a really intense and scary attack of ocd. Not really sure what it was all about, but it was a whole flood of different themes all at once. Only thing that was clear to me is that I was full of such intense fear of myself. Afraid of losing control of my mind and ending up in a psych ward tonight, afraid of thinking of hurting myself and how it might feel good/relieving, afraid of losing control and hurting my pet, afraid of having a full blown panic attack and needing my parents, afraid of losing control and screaming, afraid of giving into the urge to lash out and throw things/throw myself around (lately I've been feeling the need to exert/stim), and afraid of how each and every one of these outcomes would affect others. I'm falling asleep now but I'm still terrified of what just happened. I've never felt anything like it before. I've now been having problems every single day for a month straight (happy anniversary lol). My therapist of four years is not an OCD therapist and I won't be seeing her for two weeks yet. I also just started seeing a psych but I won't be seeing her for over a month yet. I'm wondering if i should get in touch with a NOCD therapist asap because I swear I just keep getting worse and I'm getting more and more paranoid and terrified by the hour. I feel like my behavior has definitely changed. The problem is though I know i'm obsessed with getting help for myself because i'm THAT scared of my own mind. I think having a SECOND therapist would be a bit overkill but i'm also extremely desperate and have been considering this for about a month now. Has anyone else tried a NOCD therapist paired with their normal therapist? Anyways now i'm so scared of what i'm gonna wake up to. These intense mood swings are getting scarier and scarier.

For a long time, I would have an annoying process when doing things I enjoy. Here is how it was/is: 1. I’m enjoying something like games or music or videos. Anything. 2. Intrusive thought(s) show up 3. Feels like it’s tainted me or what I’m trying to enjoy 4. I stop doing it and get super upset or start over because I’ll feel relief after. Like I’m undoing the effect the thought made me feel by restarting or retracing steps or something. For games, it’s especially annoying because of how much I have accomplished in it already. Sometimes, I gotta keep redoing it until I just give up and don’t play cause…god, it’s so damn time consuming. This made it hard to even like things anymore. It’s annoying and I have a habit of hurting myself physically to cope. Obviously, not good but in a way, it’s punishment/relief. However, after watching the live streams of NOCD, I’ve learned and been practicing how to sit with the thought. A book I read also helped remind myself “Those thoughts aren’t yours, it’s your OCD. Just crazy thoughts made cause of a biochemical problem in your brain, dork.” HELLA uncomfortable in the beginning but I think I’m getting better at it. Trust, it’s still tricky and undoubtedly makes me feel awful sometimes but I make it through and feel lighter after. Now, I can listen to music and play games or watch fun things without letting the thought ruin my day or make me cry or distressed. I get the thought, and let it sit (maybe internally shrug my shoulders at it lol) and then it flows away and I keep enjoying what I’m doing. The thought was just a thought and I’ll treat it as such. And I continue on! I never thought I’d ever get to this point but here we are! I’d think “I wonder what it’s like for other people. They just sit and enjoy things without doing compulsions.” I think I’m finally experiencing that. I still stumble but I’ve been lessening the compulsive urges. Even the compulsive…hurting of myself… has lessened. I don’t stop doing what I like just because of thoughts that much now. I truly believe you can do it too, just practice and it gets a little easier day by day. (Hope this made sense, I’m doing this as I go hehe)

there’s a little kid outside my window at the community pool. i looked to see what he was doing. i looked a couple times and he was just fully clothed in the pool LOL, but then I started having thoughts “oh are u looking bc ur a creep? do u want to go down there and gr0om him???” like wtf!!! and i stayed there and kept looking to i guess test myself and be like see im not looking for any reason but i got this feeling of dread and had to walk away :( i hate this. pocd makes me feel like i am a p everyday it feels so real sometimes I just wanna say I am and admit myself to a mental hospital

Does anyone know how I can treat my false memory ocd? I am worrying about whether I betrayed my Partner or not. At one point, I thought I killer someone. I dont know how to handle it anymore

I've been self harm free and on meds (Venlafaxine and Lamotrigine) for a few months now, I get the thoughts day to day of "you need to hurt yourself or God/ the universe is going to punish you" "if you dont punsih yourself youre going to get punished. Today my dog accidently ripped my nose ring out after I had a bad weekend were I felt like a shit friend and I feel like my nose got hurt because I'm such a shitty friend and the only way to stop all this misery is to hurt myself, so I'm punishing myself before the universe does. I don't know how to stop these thoughts because they keep getting worse and worse.

I always catch myself having constant negative scary thoughts or making up stressful situations in my head before they even happen and it puts me through a lot of stress and anxiety and makes me feel horrible and I’m afraid if I keep thinking like that god will allow something terrible to happen to me just for having what if thoughts or thinking of random crazy things and stressing myself out even more than I already am to the point where I lose sleep, a lot for example I really want to enter the modeling industry as soon as I can and I’m sixteen and I keep making myself stress and wonder of the fact that what if a horrible grown sick man tries to take advantage and manipulate me or what if I befriend someone again and once again they weren’t real friends and try and kill me or drug me it honestly terrifies me and that’s not even the begging another issue where I’ve stressed and thought so hard on the topic that it terrifies me just as much as that when last year I went to my older cousins funeral and before I went I wasn’t as traumatized and mentally shook and scared as I was at hers than others because those people were already very old but she’s 22 and she got in a car accident and was extremely messed up and obviously didn’t look the same as she normally did and because I’m getting ready to start driving this year and that is what caused her death and just the way she looked sand everything really really traumatized and scared everything in me and to make matters worse my mom was like that’s why you should pay attention on the road when you get your license not that she was trying to be rude and scare me more when she said that but it did because after that I couldnt stop remember what I saw that day because I don’t want that to happen to me and after that I developed necrophobia. anyways I could go on more and more but the point of this is that I overthink and hold on to traumatic memories and situations and get super scared and think out of nowhere 24/7 that I’m going to die to and when it would happen and just worry and I hope that the power of thinking or of talking isn’t so strong that something like that actually happen, Another thing I go through is anger because all my life until I got homeschooled I’ve been in drama with jealous cruel girls with all sorts of issues going on with in themselves that they have to project onto me and other girls who just mind there buissness I’ve once got so mad I wanted to kill one girl but luckily never did because I knew it was wrong and unnecessary and that I didn’t want to live with that and go to jail for losing it over immature high school girl drama but I often worry that gods upset with me just for thinking like that or getting mad in other issues with other people and cursing or just other stuff and it stresses me out so much and sometimes I wish there were some way to erase my traumatic negative memories and make me innocent and not understanding in certain things I understand now and maybe I would be ok mentally

I always catch myself having constant negative scary thoughts or making up stressful situations in my head before they even happen and it puts me through a lot of stress and anxiety and makes me feel horrible and I’m afraid if I keep thinking like that god will allow something terrible to happen to me just for having what if thoughts or thinking of random crazy things and stressing myself out even more than I already am to the point where I lose sleep, a lot for example I really want to enter the modeling industry as soon as I can and I’m sixteen and I keep making myself stress and wonder of the fact that what if a horrible grown sick man tries to take advantage and manipulate me or what if I befriend someone again and once again they weren’t real friends and try and kill me or drug me it honestly terrifies me and that’s not even the begging another issue where I’ve stressed and thought so hard on the topic that it terrifies me just as much as that when last year I went to my older cousins funeral and before I went I wasn’t as traumatized and mentally shook and scared as I was at hers than others because those people were already very old but she’s 22 and she got in a car accident and was extremely messed up and obviously didn’t look the same as she normally did and because I’m getting ready to start driving this year and that is what caused her death and just the way she looked sand everything really really traumatized and scared everything in me and to make matters worse my mom was like that’s why you should pay attention on the road when you get your license not that she was trying to be rude and scare me more when she said that but it did because after that I couldnt stop remember what I saw that day because I don’t want that to happen to me and after that I developed necrophobia. anyways I could go on more and more but the point of this is that I overthink and hold on to traumatic memories and situations and get super scared and think out of nowhere 24/7 that I’m going to die to and when it would happen and just worry and I hope that the power of thinking or of talking isn’t so strong that something like that actually happen, Another thing I go through is anger because all my life until I got homeschooled I’ve been in drama with jealous cruel girls with all sorts of issues going on with in themselves that they have to project onto me and other girls who just mind there buissness I’ve once got so mad I wanted to kill one girl but luckily never did because I knew it was wrong and unnecessary and that I didn’t want to live with that and go to jail for losing it over immature high school girl drama but I often worry that gods upset with me just for thinking like that or getting mad in other issues with other people and cursing or just other stuff and it stresses me out so much and sometimes I wish there were some way to erase my traumatic negative memories and make me innocent and not understanding in certain things I understand now and maybe I would be ok mentally

Is this an OCD thing: just the general sense of worry or dread something bad may happen in the future? For example: planning a trip, and the thought "you could die by then!" Or something similar but related to loved ones?

I saw a video where a kid was trick or treating and the dude filming opened the door and pulled out a knife on him and said “get away from here. quick.” and it was in response to a trend asking users to quote the tweet with the funniest videos that live in their head rent free. I laughed and thought it was funny because it was so random, but then I saw the comments like “that was so disturbing, what’s wrong with everyone who’s laughing at this?” and I totally agree. I feel horrible for laughing. It was just so random and it was posted in the context of being something funny. I wouldn’t ever condone doing that in real life, but with the internet it feels like a barrier and honestly I’m so desensitized to seeing stuff like that. I want to completely get off the internet because in reality that WAS disturbing and completely fvckd up and I wouldn’t be laughing if someone did that to my niece. I feel horrible. Am I horrible person? I don’t even want to think about it anymore. I deadass just don’t want to be here tbh and I don’t think anybody cares if I am here anyways so ✌🏽

Has anyone ever had an accepting response when telling a partner? I don’t feel like I can be honest because I’m afraid they’ll leave me for being a monster or just never see me the same

i know compulsions are not helpful on the long run. but they can help to give certainty and a bit of peace for the moment. i usually imagine scenarios and check how i feel about them. has anyone experienced that sometimes this does not make you feel certain and safe, but somehow confirms what ocd is telling you, e.g. after imagining a scenario it feels like you could actually want it? so compulsions sometimes don’t even help on the short term and i feel the need to ruminate more and more to come to the solution i want