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Why do I have the urge to off myself when having ocd thoughts? But I dont want to die.

Hi all, first post. Long time health and somatic ocd sufferer, now debilitated with anxiety and a new depression over death - not in a suicidal way - and the afterlife. I can't accept that everyone I love will die, or just human mortality in general. I am grieving something very intensely that hasn't even happened yet. I can't stop thinking about the unstoppable march of time towards death. I can't accept the idea that what is so special in this world - or my world - will be erased. I feel like I will never get over this. I do have beliefs - I'm a progressive Christian, and family members of mine have had experiences of deceased family members on their deathbeds. However, my OCD mind cannot accept uncertainty. How can I - or anyone - be okay if we don't know what happens when people die? I feel like I'm going absolutely insane, and I will never be happy again.

Does anyone have like chronic thoughts about the damage capitalism does and like research things like “when will we have free healthcare” and like wake up for their 9-5 feeling so angry at the structure of the work day and how it takes up so much time. Like idk or have chronic stress over the genocide in Palestine or injustice

Some of the convos on here scare me. Like I genuinely think a small amount of people on here have other issues besides OCD and it’s making me freak out about if that’s me too.