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Im scared that im gonna be blind. Anyone else?

Mistakes from the past have been constantly haunting me for the last year of my life. I wake up reminded about them and go to sleep reminded about them. I wouldn’t wish this on ANYONE. This has definitely been the absolute worst season of my life and I was close to losing it but I held on to God. Is anyone else experiencing this or has experienced this. Please help. Please.

TW!!!: suicidal & s/h ocd, harm ocd, possible nihilism hello, i am aya! ever since i became a teenager life has felt too fast and boring for me, especially after the pandemic. also because my parents go to work it's usually just me in the house, and my parents never allow to let me travel on my own, especially my father, who might have some kind of paranoia. because of this isolation, the silence can be defeaning, leading random thoughts to suddenly manifest and arise when your brain has nothing else to do anymore, and when that happens you're never turning back. they will keep coming back and haunt you like a monster. (p.s:, i've always had these kind of anxious thoughts, like regarding health, back when i was wayyy younger. even feeling your heart beat a little wrong can feel deadly. but sadly i'd SO prefer worrying over my health over this torturous subtype.) i've been having intrusive thoughts of killing or harming myself, especially when i am alone. when i go to the kitchen i would notice the kitchen knife and then there goes the thoughts of using the knife to stab it into my throat and expecting my parents to go crazy after seeing my corpse when they get home. (the visuals suck) or notice the medkit; 'eat all the pills and overdose like bear did in obsession'. (i forgot to mention that media can also influence me, and i hate it because it keeps disturbing my passion for watching films... also sorry for the spoilers lmao) even worse, it comes with the morbid curiosity of wanting to experience and see what happens after death or the idea that 'if i do it, you will be in peace' or 'nothing you do matters anyway', and it actually makes me sick and traps me in a loop of wondering if these thoughts really are true or not. (it's also ironic how it clashes with my health intrusive thoughts, where i am so scared of dying lol) sometimes, i also get thoughts of hurting others. especially when we got a new dog before and i hated it when i had thoughts to crush him. i tried a method called imaginal exposure where you write stories about your worst fears coming true, but sadly i dropped this because i didn't want to associate my love for writing with mental habits. i want to write as a fun habit only, not to mention i wouldn't have the consistency and motivation to write and reread a script every day. i've went to a psychiatrist before. just a month ago, but i did not get a diagnosis and said i was fine. although i was offered meds i declined it because of expenses and the judgement of my mother. my friend who has clear, diagnosed ocd suspects i have it and called the therapist 'incompetent'. i don't know if something really is wrong with me. maybe there is. but right now, i don't feel well, and i want to feel better. i've tried other methods but none seem to really work so i just drop them down. as of now i am trying the personification method, where you make your intrusive thoughts as some kind of character. i decided to name it 'the creature': a menacing, cackling entity who likes to mess with your mind. i would not engage with it. not agree or disagree, but rather just roll my eyes (or i don't need to actually roll my eyes lol, just label the thoughts as the creature baiting me) and return to what i was doing. i'll also practice uncertainty because the creature cannot predict what will happen anyway. however i am also scared that this method might end up becoming a rumination, but i'll give an update eventually if this works. it's great to balance uncertainty with optimism. i don't have to immediately think 'everything will be fine!', but rather 'there's a chance, and i will still grab the opportunity no matter what'. it's absolutely okay to be scared. what matters is that you try. in the wise words of neil gaiman: 'being brave is not having fears, but facing them.' i don't know if i'll end up hurting myself or others, but as of now i don't want to, and that gives me a spark of hope, grounding in the present, and a little motivation to keep doing the things i love, and when the creature comes again, i'll let him enter my brain, but never my heart. (hopefully this isn't a rumination) thank you for reading! remember, it's just a stupid entity seeking your reactions. be strong.

I want to get diagnosed and start treatment soon for my ocd. I have so many concerning intrusive thoughts and themes, as well as really bad paranoia or at times delusional thinking, like I’ll be half convinced I’m not real, or that I died, but I KNOW that’s irrational and that I am being delusional, but I still feel and partially believe that thought, same with the fear that I’m being watched through cameras, windows, etc. I’ve been rehearsing to myself how I could explain things to a therapist but the more I do, the crazier I sound and I’m worried that I would explain things to psychiatrist wrong and be misunderstood or misdiagnosed. I know that these themes are common for a lot of people, and that the words I’m using may not be the best or correct way to describe these thoughts. I just want someone to fix me, I was doing so well and it’s just gotten so bad again. I haven’t been this bad in a really long time and I really think now I need psychiatric intervention. I’m so scared and confused and disgusted with myself. It doesn’t help that my fyp is full of the topics related to my ocd, and people are only contributing to ocd stigma by some of the things they are commenting and then how people are responding and it’s only sending me further down the spiral. I just need it to stop.

I’ve followed NOCD on Instagram for about a week now and I’ve found it so helpful. Today, I downloaded the app because I finally feel brave (and desperate) enough to admit I need therapy. I have never been diagnosed with OCD but I know I have it. For some reason I think having a diagnosis could help me. I’m a mom of a precious toddler and a wife to my best friend in the world. For 3 months now, my mind has gotten out of control and become completely debilitating. At times, I have just not wanted to go on because it all feels so terrifying and I don’t know how to deal with this. So I know I need the help. I’ve been so scared to seek therapy but I think I’m finally ready. I’m still scared but I need to get back to loving myself and feeling comfortable and confident with myself so that I can get back to being a good mom and enjoying being a mom and not feeling like my child’s life is just slipping thru my fingers and I’m missing it because I can’t get out of my own head. And I want to stop burdening my precious husband with this emotional anguish. He has been so kind, supportive, patient and helpful with me and has done so much research to know how to help me the best he can, but at some point, we need professional help. Thank you for reading and supporting me thru this process. 🩷

I have questioned a lot recently if I have OCD, and there are many small and big things that lead me to believe I have it. One of the smaller things is that I can never make up my mind. I heard from someone OCD can bring indecisiveness and all day everyday I cant decide anything! Currently I have trouble choosing my outfit every morning. It makes me late and upsets my loved ones as I keep changing outfits over and over, and if I dont like the outfit I ended up choosing, the rest of my day is ruined since it cant be perfect. Sometimes I feel satisfied with my outfit, but a lot of the time none of them seem to fit my standards. Does anybody have any help to be less indecisive? Is it OCD? I know not being able to make an outfit is a common small thing for a lot of people, which makes me feel like none of this is a big deal. But I genuinely will be thinking for hours, not just about what to wear, but on common decisions.

I have to get a part-time job soon for a program I'm in.. I'm also 17 who's never had a job before so my experience is almost.. Zero. Any tips ? What are also some OCD-friendly jobs, since here are my fears: 1. Can't be a server/waiter since I'm clumsy as crazy and afraid I will accidentally spill and mess everything up and get into serious trouble + suck at interacting so I'm afraid my OCD will make me think I'll say something offensive. 2. Can't do jobs involving any driving since fear of crashing and... only have my permit, so I can't really drive on my own yet. 3. Fear of internet rise of harassing fast food workers/Walmart employees so that's just something that I'm scared of. I'm not well with the idea of being a cashier or just any work with involving of talking to customers. TT Also just really scared of interviews.. how bad is it really? Anddd.. I can't think of anything else. What do you guys think?

I know I always post about exes and the scenario sounds stupid, but I have ROCD. My brain won’t stop thinking about the what if in the scenario and it’s gonna sound really bad.. recently my ex and I have been hanging out, and he told me how much he loves me and how I shouldn’t date anyone else and how he won’t either because he’s holding out hope for us. He told me so many times that he loved me and was even unsure to ask if I still loved him the same way. Then a couple days later, I accidentally ran into one of his friends at the mall. She said that my ex was around, and assuming that we were still on good terms as he was in love with me and we have been hanging out, I tried to call and say I was there too to say hello. He blocked me in front of everyone.. he told everyone I was crazy, he wanted nothing to do with me, I was forcing him to sleep with me, I was stalking him, just HORRIBLE things about me, leaving out the part where he said that we were gonna make it work less than 48 hours before that. Then I realized after he had told everyone this, he decided to unblock me today. I only realized that because I called him to check, and blocked him myself immediately after. I know this sounds like dumb drama, but my heart is broken and my brain is fried. Who is he lying to? Why is he lying? Out of all of us who is he really manipulating and who is he being honest to? My OCD loves the fact that he unblocked me, and I feel like a horrible person for the things that I’ve been feeling in the background of all this (my last post discusses someone else). He EVEN TOLD MY OTHER EX whom he didn’t like that I was crazy and he hated me in the middle of all of this. I’m so distraught and I don’t know what to do now.. he was so convincing. I’m so young and stupid and heartbroken. Please help.

Today I went swimming in the ocean, (I rarely ever do that) like I haven’t in years. and immediately remembered I have a hemmorhoid (an open wound) and I immediately thought of the flesh eating virus and freaked out a bit. Got past the spiral, told myself I’m ok. And then when I got on Facebook, the first thing I see is that a second person in my state passed away from the virus. Now I am spiraling so bad that I have contracted the virus today. It says to just keep an eye on it for the next 1-3 days but I’m so scared that I put myself at risk. I’m spiraling and I’m so scared.

i have magical thinking ocd and i’m currently spiraling my thoughts scare me from coming true will they come true? how can i stop the thoughts? what helped you?

Hey everyone, I’m Annie Sue and I’m new to the group. I’m currently dealing with a severe OCD flare-up and could use some practical tools. I've been managing intense physical pain and fatigue from rehab, and being this exhausted has given my brain a lot of room to loop. I keep getting caught in mental compulsions—specifically the strong urge to analyze, 'fix' family dynamics, and ruminate on situations at home. I’m leaning on my faith and praying to surrender this to God, but sitting with the uncertainty and resisting the urge to fix things is really tough right now. I’d love to hear what grounding strategies, ERP tools, or faith-based practices help you sit through mental loops when you are physically and emotionally running on empty.

Hi guys, I am a 24F in a relationship for a little over a year with my 25M boyfriend. We never fought and never had any issues until I started an accelerated nursing school program where our relationship was going to take a turn. We acknowledged that and agreed we think our relationship and WE are worth working through it. Well, things got rocky, the insecurities he has personally has gotten the best of him these past few months. Yesterday was the worst day of our relationship yet. I love him so deeply but he got very insecure and he worded things like we were over. I told everyone in my immediate life we had broken up, and began working towards accepting it. I couldn’t help but cry and cry and cry because the thought of him not being my person anymore made me sick. I was devastated that i’d never be able to hug and hold him again. Shortly after, we began arguing back and forth and i kept using past tense verbiage (because i thought we were done) and he got in the car and came to me. He explained he wasn’t breaking up with me and he didn’t mean for that to be how it came across. I set very clear and firm boundaries about moving forward and we spent hours working through things. Today, I am nauseated because I worry that my emotional shellshock is indicative that I don’t like or love him anymore. All the evidence points otherwise but I am like “i feel flat so i must not love him” “what if i am making the wrong choice” “what if this is wrong and i shouldn’t stay” “what if i will never be able to feel normal with him again” “what if this fight is evidence we shouldn’t be together” “what if he is not my person because everyone who finds their person says it’s rainbows and butterflies” the thoughts won’t stop. i’m hurting deeply over the fact that i can’t quiet the noise. when we were parting ways last night, i could’ve stayed in his arms for hours. all i wanted to do was be with him. we aren’t together today and im scared that i don’t feel positive emotions enough. has anyone ever had experience with this? if so, how do you cope? I journal sometimes which helps but i’m so upset. I thought from day 1 in my heart and soul he was the man i was gonna marry and i still want that.

Ugh. In a group with ppl we don’t know someone made a comment about “keeping your girls close so they know they r taken” or whatever. And I didn’t stay close to my partner I guess I didn’t want to. And I guess when my partner hugged me I felt like not being hugged. What is wrong with me. The thoughts of am I in wrong relationship, am I not into my partner are rolling. And then I see everyday stuff online about how ocd isn’t true stuff and how do u differentiate between ocd and real stuff. My ROCD thrives off of real stuff and that’s the majority of mine. It gives me so much distress seeing these and it makes me think I don’t even have OCD….. another thing is I don’t want it to be like this with my partner I want to be obsessed or whatever and this thought makes me feel sick. I want my partner and I don’t wanna start doubting that too Maybe my ROCD is just spiraling? I’m hoping that in the wise words of my old therapist that “it’s an ocd problem, not a relationship problem” so not a relational issue

I’m looking for some advice on how I can be a better partner and stop letting little things turn into arguments. My boyfriend is a nurse who works nights, so he only gets three days off a week. I’ve realized that I put SO much pressure on those three days. In my head, I feel like I need to see him all three days and everything needs to go perfectly because that’s our time together. If plans change, something doesn’t go how I pictured it, or he wants to do something else for part of that time, I get upset way more easily than I should. A recent example is that I told him I feel like he doesn’t put enough effort into planning dates because I’m usually the one who plans everything. But after thinking about it, I realized that I really don’t give him the opportunity to plan. I automatically assume he isn’t going to, so I make the plans myself before he even gets the chance. After I told him this, he actually canceled plans with his mom the next day because he wanted to plan a date for us, spend time with me, and show me that the idea I had in my head wasn’t true. When he told his mom about the situation, she basically thought it was ridiculous because we already spend every weekend together when he’s off. He also asked some of his female coworkers for advice because he wanted their perspective on how he could approach the situation better and make me happy. They pretty much agreed that my thinking was a little ridiculous considering how much time we already spend together. Now, instead of just accepting that they have a different perspective, I’ve gone down this rabbit hole of thinking his mom doesn’t like me, his coworkers think I’m ridiculous, and everyone is judging me. I know that’s not necessarily reality, but my brain immediately goes there. I also don’t understand why I have such a hard time with the idea of not seeing him for one of his days off or why I get upset if he wants to spend a night playing video games with his friends instead of spending the night with me. I KNOW logically that he deserves time for himself, his friends, and his family. I don’t want him to feel like all three of his days off automatically belong to me just because we’re in a relationship. I really do want to work on this because I love him and I don’t want to keep creating arguments over small things or expectations that I’ve created in my own head. I want to learn how to be more flexible, stop taking changes in plans personally, give him space without seeing it as rejection, and stop assuming the worst. Has anyone else struggled with this in their relationship? How did you learn to be okay with your partner having their own time without feeling hurt or rejected? And how do you stop yourself from reacting when something doesn’t go the way you pictured it in your head?

Feel like coworkers talk about me (social anxiety?) I work at a milling shop and I’m not the best worker in the shop. I make mistakes a lot and often times move slow…. Mostly because I have severe anxiety and ocd and it does not allow me to use my brain to its full potential, I often have to step out to cope with panic attacks and am lost in my head just ruminating. Because of this I feel like my coworkers talk about me. Anytime I see my coworkers kind of whispering to each other or laughing, I always assume it’s about me. Of course I don’t know this for sure at all, I don’t even have any evidence of it, yet sometimes I find myself actually getting angry as if I already know 100% they are talking about me and thinking of what I would say if they were to confront me. I assume the same whenever I see my managers step into the office to have a discussion. Is it possible to have thoughts and feelings like these and not be crazy? I’ve heard that one of the biggest signs of early psychosis is thinking everyone is against you or talking about you ):

What if you did something so extremely monstrous. disgusting, awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were genuinely extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and vomit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 13 or 14... I cant remember... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was either 13 or 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 24... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was either 13 or 14 at the time… now I’m 24… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was either 13 or 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was either 13 or 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I cant remember if i was 13 or 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13-14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was also extremely horrible... an adult asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible... i've done too much... seen too much... and have lived too long... I'm sorry for everyone I've hurt... I'm so sorry for everything...

People often think I’m dumb because i don’t know if I’m allowed to do something unless I’m told i can. I can’t even go to a friend’s house and sit unless they tell me I’m allowed to sit. At parties, i dont get food until im told i should/can get food even though the host isnt around and everyone else was eating. At some point the lines between basic manners and common knowledge gets blurred. I don’t “take initiative” at work because i havent been given explicit directions that I can start whatever task even though i know that task is supposed to get done. My boss rolls her eyes and sighs at me all the time because sometimes i don’t get things done because I’m not told I’m allowed to. It’s stupid because it’s simple logic; task needs to be completed, i should do it. But I’m always scared i misunderstood directions or confused one task for another and one wasnt actually supposed to be done. I work in retail. Anytime we get a shipment we put tags and it immediately goes on a rack to be sold. This applies to *every* shipment and i know i should start processing everything immediately because thats my job, but what if this is a shipment that isn’t actually going to be sold/displayed. Whenever my english classes in high school started reading a book, it was always common knowledge to get the book from the shelf in the classroom when we enter. Whenever i was one of the first few people (which was often), i would wait for enough people to get the book before i was sure it was what i was supposed to do. Same thing during art class when we were supposed to get whatever project we were previously working on. It genuinely makes me feel so stupid. It doesnt help that I’m also generally forgetful and clumsy and naive and accident/mistake prone.

And I’m not talking about the song 😭 Triggers are weed and alcohol btw: I’ve always told my friends the reason i don’t accept/give birthday and christmas gifts is bc i don’t want it to start feeling like a transaction of friendship where we *have* to get someone a gift cus they gave us something (still true), but the real reason is because whenever someone gives me something, I’m convinced it’s bc they’re hiding a secret camera to watch me. And especially when they forget something, that gets me super paranoid. I accidentally drunkenly confessed and now i feel super guilty even though they say they understand that it’s not bc i see them as people who would do that kind of thing but bc my mind is just like that. For as long as i can remember, I’ve always felt like i was being monitored and have never felt a sense of privacy. Even when my electronic devices are off, I’m convinced their cameras are still on. I hate being in public because every street in my area actually does have cameras, and speed radars, and security cameras and while i understand why they’re there, it doesnt help my anxiety because i always feel like I’m doing something wrong or illegal even though I’m pretty sure I’m not. And i probably don’t even need to be doing something wrong or illegal to get pulled over or incarcerated because emeven law enforcement doesnt follow the law. I used to avoid leaving my house to the point i got held back a yr in high school bc i was that scared. That isn’t really a problem anymore and i don’t have an issue leaving my house at all, but i still don’t feel safe. I always feel like there’s someone watching through my window, even though no one is. My fire alarm has this tiny red dot and it makes me convinced I’m being watched—and my uncle installed it and he’s never done anything weird towards me or anyone, I’m still scared he’s watching. I’m a very cautious and paranoid person but I’m also clumsy and forgetful and honestly naive. Knowing that about myself increases my anxiety that I’m doing something illegal bc i wouldnt know what i did wrong and I’m prone to making mistakes a lot and all it takes is one really big mistake to have lifelong consequences. I’ve always tried to hide my ocd from my friends because i don’t want to freak them out because sometimes my behavior is concerning. They know i have it but they don’t really know details. I drink and get high (thc) on my own—not too often though and im always safe— but my friends like going out to drink and get high and that always makes me super paranoid and i do it anyway. I want to make it clear they don’t pressure me in any way bc i sometimes like being drunk with my friends but if we’re in public then i always think cops are after us bc of public intoxication. I get such fomo when they want to go out, and i feel so guilty everytime i have to lie to avoid it bc my ocd makes me feel like i have to confess *absolutely everything* or else I’m a liar/fraud and no one will ever understand me if they don’t know every little detail about me. I don’t rly need people to tell me i don’t have to do what i don’t want to and how i should communicate with my friends because i know that already. It’s just upsetting because i *want* to be able to do those things and go out with them without ever feeling paranoid all the time but my brain stupidly won’t let me. I hate myself a lot for having ocd and other mental illnesses because it feels like it goes against who i actually feel like i am. I like socializing and being around people, but it makes me physically uncomfortable and feel unsafe so i avoid it and then throw a pity party about how i chose not to join them and gave in to my stupid intrusive thoughts instead. i can’t control it, i can’t not listen to those thoughts, there doesnt ever feel like there’s even an option to not listen to them. I just want to feel completely safe. And less aware of everything that could ever possibly go wrong in every given moment. Sorry to anyone who reads this, my train of thought has been jumping between multiple topics at once.

I had a SEVERE flare up this year, after not even knowing I have OCD for the first 37 years of my life. I’m now on meds because I couldn’t take another second of that torture. But I’m wondering if I’ll be able to ween off them once my brain and nervous system calms down. Or if my brain is now broken and this is my new reality.

Hi everyone, for those who don’t know, hit and run OCD occurs usually when someone hits a pothole or a bump in the road for feels a shift in their vehicle and think to themselves, “did I just hit a person?” Well that’s a day in my life, and I don’t know anyone else who has it. Today has been especially hard, and I’ve been finding myself feeling as though it’s only a matter of time before I’m arrested and thrown in jail. Obviously I haven’t actually hit anyone. No loud thuds, no dents, no yelling or screaming, nothing. But unfortunately like you all know, that’s not how OCD works. I was hoping anyone who suffers from this or any other similar forms of OCD could lend a helping word or some tips to help them accept uncertainty and enjoy life? At very least I’m hoping that someone with a similar experience will see this and know there not alone. Kind regards everyone [Edit:] I forgot to mention that one of my biggest core fears is being incarcerated, especially for an accidental situation.