Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I haven’t been able to stop spiraling since yesterday. I was next to my boyfriend, and his arm looked a little chubbier than usual. It reminded me of a guy I had a crush/hyper-fixation idk my brain just simply doesn’t let him go bc it feels ‘fun’ to think about the dude, but he’s also become the theme of some intrusions w/my ROCD. While I was noticing the arm similarity, I kissed my bf’s arm. I’ve been replaying it nonstop because it feels like it mean something. Why did I do that? It felt like I was genuinely looking at this other guy’s arm, not my bf’s. It doesn’t feel like the affection in that moment was directed at my bf at all. I feel worried. In the moment I only felt a little concerned which makes this seem worse. I’m scared that the affection I showed my boyfriend in that moment was actually meant for someone else, subconsciously or similarly. I feel so disrespectful and disloyal Idk I need input please

(TW: ROCD, Religious OCD, Islam) Hello Everyone, You can refer to me as Subway, a nickname given to me by some friends I think that here would be a good place to reach out for help and discuss my issues. For starters, I am an Athiest/Agnostic, who used to previously by a Muslim but nobody knows that I am no longer a Muslim. I used to be an athiest just due to a lack of faith and questioning alot of the religion but after looking into it more I had come to my own conclusion of not to believe in Islam. Lately I've been having alot of intrusive thoughts telling me that I will revert back to Islam despite me not wanting to. Honestly I was miserable being a Muslim and after my experiences and doing my own research, I finally felt free and happy to have left the religion. My head whoever means to constantly hurt me saying that "You're gonna regret it" "You'll return to it's beauty" and "You're just not trying to follow it's rules", despite all of this I do not seek to revert back to Islam anytime soon but those thoughts still linger. Another factor that makes these thoughts so intense is that I've fallen in love with someone. Let's call this person "V" but they are the most wonderful, beautiful, smartest person I have ever met and I only hope that they feel what I feel for them. One thing that I struggle with however are my thoughts saying that "I don't want her" or "She is ugly" or "I am going to hurt her", it even connects to my religious thoughts saying that "I shouldn't be with her and prioritize God" or "I want to focus on religion" which I do not want to do. It's hard to explain but I feel myself arguing with my own mind as it constantly tries to prove to me why I'm wrong even though I'm happier being an Athiest/Agnostic person. And after finding someone who I truly love, any chance of happiness is stripped away from me. It doesn't help that I'm constantly scared because she is Hindu, and to most people I know. I am a "Muslim" so that's an issue. It just gets really lonely because nobody else seems to understand. I just want to talk to someone.

A huge part of my OCD is moral scrupulousity - I am unofficially dating someone who has physical and mental health disabilities/chronic illnesses. I really like this individual, but I am internalizing his issues and quickly becoming his only support system. I can feel the stress impacting my nervous system more and more every day, but I am afraid breaking it off with someone when they are going through such a difficult time- dealing with medical neglect by his parents during serious physical health scares. What if he dies? I feel sick to my stomach- but with every emergency a piece of me breaks and I can feel my brain breaking down. I really like him and spending time with him, but I am truly terrified. I've only been seeing him since late July, but I feel it seeping into codepency and myself being a caretaker- and I can't handle it nor do I want that for my own life. Please give advice or support - I need both right now

After having a great few months and the most confidence in my life, an embarrassing situation and an ended situationship I got too attached to in August have led to a grueling 2 month journey of self-reflection. All of my defense and coping mechanisms stopped working. The feeling that I’ve never developed a true identity or enjoyed life the way others do was painful. I’ve learned that my intrusive thoughts and compulsive behavior I’ve exhibited over the years align with OCD (specifically with relationships and perfectionism). It was liberating to finally put a name to my situation, but rumination and excessive venting in my journaling have led to me constantly analyzing every conversation and all of my body mannerisms. I haven’t been able to get my mind off this situation for more than a minute in these two months. I’ve never felt more different from my peers, and I’ve gone from extremely social to fidgety and shy. How did you cope with the embarrassment and avoid comparing yourself to others? I am unable to form any routines or enjoy the things I used to enjoy because of these constant thoughts.

Hey I haven’t posted in awhile but I just need to vent. Back in early 2023/ 2024, I remember this theme putting me in the deepest depression that I believe I became emotionally numb. I don’t know, but I felt like I had it and still maybe do. I remember keeping something in for a year from my gf at the time and my OCD was beating me up so bad that I eventually to the hospital in June of 2024. Those of you that have watched Euphoria… remember that scene where Rue is in bed all day and night and physically can’t get out of bed and is frozen? That’s how I felt when it was getting to the end of my relationship. I had the worse thoughts you could ever imagine and every time I had a conversation w/ my gf, I felt like a robot. I felt like I couldn’t even talk to my gf without getting interrupted by my instrusive thoughts. I’m not perfect either . I made a mistake when I saw her the last time. Maybe led her on, maybe I was just emotionally numb . I still wanted to see if the spark was there but I guess it wasn’t. That’s one of my biggest regrets. I rather have stayed home and gathered my thoughts then to go see her on my birthday. It was selfish of me. I take ownership of that . Recently she’s been on my mind , but when we finally parted ways it’s like I didn’t feel anything and that made me question if I loved her? Idk I guess what I’m asking is did or does anyone feel that way? You felt emotionally numb/no spark/ nothing when you kiss? Physically not attracted. Sometimes I question .. what is love? What does it mean? Does love always have to have a spark? I read one time that you choose that person. But I feel like I’m confused what it really means. It’s like I’m having this 360 shift and realizing maybe I was emotionally numb all along and keeping this “secret” I thought at the time, to myself. I eventually told her and she wasn’t mad . My ocd made it bigger than it was . 😔 It’s crazy what OCD can do to you. I felt sick not just mentally, but physically too. Maybe it was easier for me to move on because I “emotionally checked out or was just too emotionally numb” after awhile that when we did break up the first time I barely cried. I cried almost everyday for a year before that first breakup in August. We had gone almost a month without talking because we parted ways but then reconnected September of 2024 and the. Ended it mid January. That’s the last we spoke. It’s been 9 months. I know people feel different thhings at different times but she’s been on my mind recently. And this may be TMI but I know a lot of my emotions right now have to do with my period, but even before my cycle… I was thinking about her. My thoughts are just heightened now. It’s like I was saying … it’s like I’m seeing things different now. Maybe I was so emotionally numb I couldn’t feel anything and it felt like I had fallen out of love. It was hard for me to feel anything and to be honest I think this start May of 2024. I wanted to stay and make it work. But you can’t force yourself to feel something. I think I’m just confused rn. Maybe I’m a little de lulu but I’ve always felt like it’s her. Sure I’ve looked at other girls but when it comes down to soul and personality and how that person treats you… that’s what pulls you in and what matters. It’s like I’m finally realizing after a YEAR LATER that all this ocd stuff was in my head and It’s a shame because I lost a really good one and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that back but I’m grateful for the memories and she’ll always have a special place in my heart. Not sure if this is part of the grieving process? Idk if you guys could give me some feedback or if this resonates with you … please leave comments down below. (Not for reassurance seaking) but to know that if anyone has felt just how I’m feeling right now . I would relay appreciate it🙏🏽 (edited)

*VENT INCOMING* This is just not really related to OCD (or maybe it is idk?anyways). It's kinda personal so if you don't wanna read this, that's okay too. My parents are recently divorced and it wasn't amicable. My dad is an ass and a manipulative bully. and i hate him and love him at the same time. he tries to reach out from time to time but i usually ignore because even just thinking about him makes me angry and fills me with this nasty, hopeless type of feeling like im trapped. anyways, he reached out again through a message asking me how I was doing. and i actually brave enough to respond with a voice note. told him basically everything in as short a time as possible. that I have OCD & depression and im on meds. and that i have a job now. and all he said was thank you for the reply and he feels better now and that he hopes that im well too. and it annoyed me because even though i actually really brave in expressing myself, he just sort of made it about him. he didnt even say anything ; like he was shocked and sad to hear that i've been struggling. and im just like????? what more could i possibly do to make this man actually really give a damn about me at all???? like that's all he has to say to me???? Ugh.

Hello, I’ve struggled with OCD and a few other anxiety disorders for literally ever and I’ve wanted to get on medication for years because I felt it was the only way to fix me, to find relief from this hell that is in my brain. But so far I’ve tried 7 medications ! And none have worked, I always get to my second or third dose with zero positive changes and I almost always have a side effect I cannot bare to live with long term, so I get switched to another med and it happens again. I also struggle with really bad anxiety over taking medications, I’m terrified of serious side effects and withdrawals and overdoses etc. so it’s makes this journey so much harder! I’m planning on taking a break from medication for at least a little while, I want to live life without side effects and the fear that being on regular medication gives me, I’ve been sleep deprived for a few months straight because of a side effect of my current dose, like what the hell body! I’m just frustrated, I wanted this to work, and hey maybe it will in the future but not right now. And yeah, medication isn’t the holy grail and it won’t “fix me”, therapy and hard work will help me manage my mental illnesses, I’ve had improvements already without meds, I know that now, so it’s not the end of the world! Just a bit annoying! (Don’t let this scare you from trying medication, for a lot of people it works wonders !! And not everyone’s body is as stubborn as mine!)

For the last week, I have gotten little sleep. The first 3 or 4 days, I would lay on the couch shaking, having like full body jerks, exhausted but laying there with my eyes closed all night. Tossing and turning for hours and maybe slept a total of 30-60 minutes very broken up through the night. The last few days, I'll feel a bit better and try to go to sleep and wake up 45-60 minutes later or an hour and a half later it I'm lucky, before everything floods back. I get jerky and shaky, my stomach has a pit, I feel that dread, anger, anxiety, and I'll be tossing and turning again with bits where I fall asleep for 20-40 minutes maybe 2-4 times through the entire night and morning. It's driving me insane. It's scary that I can't sleep much and when I do, it feels like torture and I'll have nightmares for the little bits I do get.

Are there any medications that help with OCD?

I know you aren’t supposed to look into reassurance but does that mean you can’t offer advice to peoples struggling ? Therapy isn’t an option for some of us and I would love to hear some natural ways y’all use to help better yourself but nobody eve responds to my posts

+ ZOCD +18 & triggering warning last night whilst trying to enjoy myself and do some self care and watch some p0rn. i use twitter to do so and decided to look at an account i was unfamiliar with just to see what they had going on. all of the content they were posting & retweeting was normal and par for the course where out of NOWHERE i see a video of a dog about to start interacting with someone in a inappropriate way. by the way i was scrolling i only saw the top half of the video before gasping and immediately swiping out of that persons account. after seeing that i felt sick and guilty as if i was complicit somehow by not going back and reporting and blocking that account or trying to do something positive to change the horrors of what i just saw but i know better than to try and find it somehow and potentially exposing myself to viewing that again. but now im sitting here with a lot of what ifs in my head varying from “the content you usually watch is from a very specific type of person, what if you’re fetishizing?” & “what if since you were thinking about said specific type of person and saw something like that amongst normal videos of again said specific type of person what if you associate that video what that and never feel normal about your interests and hyperfixations?” now i’m feeling extremely anxious and cannot relax and try to get some sleep because of this. does anyone have any advice on how to ease my compulsions and anxiety??? is ERP a good option for this???

Does it make me a a lesbian bc i used to watch a couple lesbian couples on youtube and i found them cute together. Im really stressing right now about it. I was around 13 14 at the time i did also watch a alot of lesbian porn at the time im really stressed

I am trying to expose myself and purposely look and notice attractive girls and move on with it don’t let it ruminated or do any physical or mental compulsions and think how I feel and worry but when I notice it why do I feel like I want to do it or get excited because I have a excuse to look at other girls while in a relationship and when I think or feel that way or know when I have a chance to expose myself to it I just don’t because I feel like I might be using this as an expose to do so any advices? Also should I let my girlfriend know I am doing this exposure therapy

Can someone, anyone please look at my post and help me. I don’t want to ask my parents for an ocd therapist because 1.i don’t even know if I have ocd 2. They are not going to believe me. Please click on my profile, go to posts and read my story all the way through, reply, at least like it so I don’t feel so desperately alone. I feel isolated in my suffering. I know it’s long. I’m sorry.

So I am experiencing my first OCD theme, man what a fun ride! It’s been 3 months and I finally decided as of yesterday it’s either stay here and get worse or start choosing to figure out what I need to do. I won’t go too much into my scenario and I’m not asking for reassurance. I just want to to how false memories work and if they commonly present like this. So I am married. We were out somewhere and I saw someone I knew. I have never been romantically involved with this person and I was just like oh hey that’s such and such in my brain. Well about 10 minutes goes by and I get a flash of a memory of an online interaction I had with them (this is real) and well it caught me off guard and I was like when was that? It was so long ago I couldn’t recall and I was like well I think that was before my relationship and then I thought well what if it was after since you can’t remember and BOOM I got a flash of a memory (more like a picture) of my brain correlating me doing this while in my relationship. And then the more I thought of trying to disprove that I had another memory (which I believe to be the true memory) of it occurring before my relationship. Here’s the thing. About a year or two ago I saw this same person. The same thing happened. I was shocked and panicked and just was like I don’t know I have never even thought of this in my relationship and just kind of shut it down saying maybe I just will never bring it up to my husband. But I completely forgot about that. Outside of these two times I have NEVER thought of this in my relationship. Like at all. Never thought of this person once. Here’s what I’m wondering, do false memories (even about real events) often occur after what if statements? Even though what I did most people wouldn’t care about, it would have been very out of character for me and also for me to just entirely forget about it. So I am pretty sure I am dealing with a false reconstruction of a past real event. Has anyone ever dealt with anything similar? Is there more to identifying these false memories? And how did you deal with them? I have accepted I can never disprove a memory. Even if someone told me it wasn’t real. I just feel like if you did something that was a little out of your character you would definitely remember it not just did I? I just wanted to give my example, but I am interested in how people deal with this.

So one of my close friends just got engaged and her fiance broke up with her two months later. She’s devasted and i’ve been seeing her and being there for her. The issue is wheb this type of stuff usually happens you sometimes imagine it happening to you. So when I tried that i didnt feel anything! And so I tried imagining a women leaving me and it hurt like hell. This thought has been consuming me since forever. I know that im someone who’s very emotional so why cant i « get hurt » or feel « hurt » when my fiance does something?! Also i have been struggling with the romantic vs platonic feelings, the aesthetic vs sexual attraction and I unfortunately looked it up on tiktok and it was a huuuge trigger! Specially from lgbtq people saying what they thought was sexual attraction towards boys was just aesthetic. So i then asked chatgpt what he thought of that and yeah it triggered me even more. Tbh when I look at my fiance i find him really good looking, hot and when we get into it its really good like i enjoy sleeping with him (I think? Or soocd talking idk). However when i see him naked I dont have a physical reaction to him if you know what i mean. However and idk why, when i see a naked women I do feel like i have a physical reaction?!!! When i talked to my therapist about it she told me that sexual orientation is complex and we’re all somewhere on the spectrum. I dont mind being on the spectrum but what im scared of is lying about my attraction and love to my fiance just to fit into society and playing a « role ». We’ve been together for 8 years it cant be possible to fake something for that long is it? What im also scared of is for example accepting that my sexuality might be somewhere on the spectrum but once i accept that realising that i was just performative with men and it was all fake… Am i alone in this? Do other people relate to this story?

I hate when people don't give more insight and ask questions like "Can we talk?" "Can I ask you something private?" "Can I tell you something?" Stuff like that, and often if it's text they will leave ya in suspense for awhile and it kills me. Like be direct, sometimes it feels like it's on purpose. Like I'm worried on how to respond to things cause if I don't wanna respond they might make assumptions, but if I do respond im uncomfy and worried they will make assumptions due to the fact I over explain. And I wanna talk about something specific but their is a slight chance the person who caused this rant has this app. So I'm worried to be specific and that they will look at my other posts and it won't be anonymous, half the reason I'm able to talk about things on this app is that nobody knows it's me. It's comforting that I can anonymously talk about the things in my brain, that I keep to myself.

I saw a post from this app with the caption explaining what POCD is, and in it it said "people with ocd have no attraction towards children" but how am I supposed to know when false attraction is so prevelant for me?? It makes me feel like I'm really a p3do and I need to die

I have no idea what I want to do in my life. I never leave the house unless it’s therapy or something. I can’t drive and doubt I would ever be able to because I’m just that dumb. I’m 18, graduated this year, and have no goals at all. Nothing feels like it matters that much, I was numb during graduation, I didn’t laugh or smile, I just walked on stage and turned my tassel. Every day is blurring together, now that high school is over I have really no routine where I can connect with people. I sit at home and do dumb crafts and art, take care of my dog, play games. Sometimes I really feel like I’m dreaming while I’m still awake, absentminded and forgetting things that just happened. Some days I’m alright but then I really confront the fact that I am indeed no longer a child despite still feeling like one, I need to grow up and do things adults do. I want to do things other people my age do but I’m not like other people my age it seems. God all this useless self pity. Boo hoo. I’m just so so tired man. I don’t know what to do with my life at all. I’m not cut out for this and I’m so clueless.

having ocd is hard because not only am i dealing with something that im aware is so irrational, but i’m also shamed and punished and ridiculed for it in my family. i’m 21 and a college student and still live w my family, and my contamination ocd is getting worse. the stress of my compulsions are only making it worse. my hands have begun to be raw from washing them so much and my dad (who doesn’t really believe in mental illness and doesn’t know i’m diagnosed with ocd) is saying he’ll “take away all the lotion in the house so that i can’t use any which will make me stop washing my hands so much”. it just feels so frustrating bc im not even using any lotion since it contributes to my ocd. my oldest sister also makes fun of me for also having ocd and calls me sick and ridicules me. it’s not like i asked to have this life. i wish so badly i was “normal”. not having anyone on my side and encouraging me in a kind way also hurts.