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need someone to talk to please 18+ (it’s quite tmi/nsfw but i don’t know what else to do anymore or who to tell)

I just found out that one of my favorite bands has had SA allegations (involving minors) for a while now (I didn’t keep up with them on social media or anything - I just enjoyed listening to them up until I saw people discussing it on SM lately) and I’m so upset about it. This is always one of my biggest fears when it comes to bands and my OCD makes it worse because not only do I feel absolutely dizzy with anxiety due to the nature of the allegations (because of my POCD), but I feel bad every time their songs come into my head and continue playing on repeat. Like the reality of what they’ve done is sickening, but also it just upsets me to even enjoy the sound of it, though I know it’s partly just because I’ve always loved those songs. I was so emotionally invested in their music too - a lot of things have happened so far this year (I lost a pet, for example) and their music spoke to me during those times. One of their songs even felt extremely relatable to my experience with OCD. Discovering them at the beginning of this year was so great for me. But the allegations are almost certainly true (there’s a lot of allegations that all add up together - and some of their 100% proven behavior outside of that is really just evidence of it) and they’re absolutely horrible people. They filed a lawsuit against someone for literally just pointing out the sheer number of allegations against them (and the person who the lawsuit was filed against ended up taking their life). It hurts to know I thought these people were cool and fun when they were really just absolute creeps. And maybe I should’ve been more vigilant about the signs earlier even which is worse (especially because like I said, this is a big fear of mine and one time I had already wondered idly “what if they’re actually bad people” though I do that with other bands too). Like I noticed something before that probably should’ve been more alarming to me, but I guess I didn’t realize the actual context until now? I don’t know :( I’ve been listening to their music almost every day this year before now and I feel guilty for even sort of wanting to hear it again. It sucks because it’s exactly the kind of music I like. I could listen to nearly any of their songs from any of their albums and love almost all of them. I could pirate it at least so they don’t benefit monetarily but genuinely I think hearing it would probably emotionally mess me up - I know my brain associates the music with good emotions and feelings but meanwhile I’ll also be thinking of how horrible they are and how I’m probably horrible for even *wanting* to listen. It’s this weird back and forth of “I want to listen like I always do but I also really really *don’t* want to!” I’m still reeling but I just know I’m gonna continue to feel guilt and shame over this for months to come especially as the shock wears off and it sucks. This sort of thing always happens where my initially strong feelings start to dwindle and I feel numb and worry I’m not taking it seriously enough anymore. That and I’m sure I’ll struggle with kind of wanting to hear it but also really wanting the desire to listen to just go away completely. I wish I had known beforehand so I never would’ve gotten attached to this band :(

Feeling like a bad person has always been one of my reoccurring struggles with OCD. I’m working through trauma therapy at the moment and recognizing a lot of stuck points, and connecting a lot dots in relation to my OCD. But I feel like even if I make a small mistake or mess up, I can’t give myself grace - and I assume I’m an awful person. Obviously, my realistic self reassures me I would never intentionally hurt someone or have malicious intentions in situations. But sometimes I go round and round, and even think the only reason I think or want to be a good person is because I’m scared of being a bad person? I know that doesn’t make sense but it fucks with me and I’m sure only this group would understand. Anyway, today for example: I got sorta mad at my bf because he was trying to smack my butt and accidentally hit my back. And I said “ouch, stop - you got my back.” - in literally the least menacing way. And we laughed it off and he felt bad. And then I just couldn’t help myself from apologizing to him because I felt like I overreacted somehow. He seemed very confused and was so sweet about it. But I just felt like I overreacted, and I told him that I felt gross - I was trying to prepare food and it caught me off guard. And he was like “no yeah, that makes total sense - you literally don’t have to explain yourself or apologize at all!”. But I just got into this weird mood now, where I’m convincing myself I’m a bad person and a bad partner. And he should be with someone who is truly the sweetest person ever and beautiful to add on to the obsession. Sometimes I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know I’m not a bad person but sometimes the OCD itself is very annoying. I feel like this wave has passed, and I’ve worked a lot on grounding myself and bringing myself to reality. Which is great! But I would really love to know if anyone else struggles with this kind of thing and what helps them in these times?

i used to do therapy through here, and i would leave comments on every post i read to try to help. i’ve had ocd my ENTIRE life (21 rn) and its always been magical thinking up until 14- earlier this year my existential ocd was at its worst. i would drive around to see if any emergency rooms would take me in because i couldn’t be left alone. i was constantly throwing up, never slept or ate, never did anything because i was so anxious all the time with just about every form of ocd. i never thought id get better. i was so worried my life would never feel the same and id never feel genuine happiness again. it consumed everything about me. i’ve been on Paroxetine for a few months, and i can say it’s definitely helped, along with exposure therapy at home. it took a while, and at the time it felt like forever because i just wanted to be okay. i’m okay today! i was okay yesterday! i’ve been so much better for the last couple months. it will feel like such a slow process but please trust it. i’ve met so many people on here that i could relate to and everyone in this community means so much to me. i’m so proud of all of you. idk if anyone will see this, but if you do, give it time. nothing is urgent. it may feel like it, but you have time to figure things out, and *not* figure things out. not all of your thoughts and fears need an explanation :) i truly didn’t think it could get better, but it did, and it will for all of you, too.

Hi guys, I’m a follower of Christ and I definitely have a lot of religious OCD I’m always thinking I’m committing the unforgivable sin, and always thinking that God can never forgive me. And there’s so many people that have their own idea of what they think the unforgivable sin is so it makes me have even more anxiety and honestly I really need help because it’s been a few years now that I’ve been battling this and I just want to live comfortably in my faith

I am about to go on a night out with one of my girl mates just the two of us! SO ocd has stopped me from doing that with just two of us drinking for 4 years and I am so proud of myself for saying yes I will go. I of course have had some intrusive thoughts pop up but trying to focus on the small win of saying yes and going. Wanted to share with people who will understand how big this is for me!!

I feel so anxious lately I have made so much reassurance seeking through the AI online to reassure myself that I live my partner. I’m terrified of the idea it might just be attachment and denial. I have this “gut feeling” that tells me I don’t truly love him because I don’t consciously care about his happiness and well being when it is said that the difference between attachment and genuine love is that you deeply care about your partners happiness. The thing is that I don’t think about it very much or at least not consciously and I don’t do things “because it will make him happy”. This annoying feeling that I don’t truly love him and that something is wrong plus this thing about caring about his happiness stresses me out sm but I don’t want to break up with him. The idea of breaking up terrifies me and makes me so so sad. I’m with him because he makes me feel good, I enjoy spending time with him, his arms are the place where I feel the safest, I love spending my time cuddling him, we are long distance this year and I count the days before seeing him again, I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life with him (sometimes I feel excitement about it or I feel nothing but I don’t feel much negative feelings even tho I can be a bit worried about some aspects because we have different personalities in some aspects). I’m just good and happy with him. The idea of breaking up literally makes me stop wanting to eat, stresses me out so much and makes me want to cry. I cannot accept to break up. Please help is this even really ocd ? Am I just in denial ?

Have you ever dealt with a lack of feelings in your relationship? Lately I've been less anxious but I still ruminate a lot and when I spend much time alone I'm kinda depressed. Today I spent a beautiful morning with my boyfriend, I was calm and happy, but it felt like something was missing, like I don't have all that "in love" feelings. It makes me wander if I even ever had them in the first place. I'm trying not to ruminate on it and to give it time, hoping things will get clearer soon, but I feel very selfish. He gives me his all heart and he cares so much about me, while I feel like I'm not able to do the same. It sucks

Help!!!! A family friend’s young teenager is really suffering. He has autism, so he won’t talk about his feelings and what is going on in his head. He can (in a limited way) talk to people, and he goes to public school. However, he is unable to describe his thoughts or feelings or inner experiences at all. He seems to exhibit OCD behavior, but no one can really tell if he has OCD or not. He can’t communicate his experiences with a therapist well enough to get a diagnosis, and no one has been able to help him. His parents have been exhausting their money on expensive sessions with therapists. However, since no one can deeply communicate with the child, nothing has helped. It seems unclear if the child’s issues stem from autism, OCD, or both. I would imagine that having both OCD and autism would look different than just having OCD by itself. But I don’t know how people diagnose that or treat it. Can anyone give advice here????? Anyone have similar experiences?

first and foremost, i have not been diagnosed with OCD. about a month ago now, i had an intrusive thought about suffocating my boyfriend after watching a news story about a man who did that to his wife. i freaked out, and when i got to his house i was physically sick. i made him take me home to get away from him because i was so scared. well since this thought, it’s like i can’t shake this fear that i actually want to do it and i keep feeling like i “need” to do it. i’m so scared im going to do it, what do i need to do? i’m panicking at the moment.

I feel like ERP both works and doesn’t. My OCD is very much mental and trying to resist compulsions is an all-day task. When I do my ERP homework, it works for that scenario but OCD comes back the same force later. I am tired at this point. Days are long but I don’t feel like much happened. My prayer life is the only thing that works as joy is being sucked out of everything else. Did anyone else go through a stubborn bout of this?

I’ve been struggling with what i think i’d SOCD for the past 2 almost 3 years. It has fluctuated at times and it has become almost like a second way of thinking that it doesn’t phase me as much anymore. When i first started experiencing it i was in my first healthy relationship in my first year of uni. I was going through a great patch with my mental health but i did spend a lot of time on my own because i struggled to make friends. One day i woke up and i was just spiralling in thought of oh my god im gay and i have been this whole time. I couldn’t be around anyone and i wasn’t coherent. i was living in my head constantly and nothing made me feel better. My relationship began to crumble as my mental health deteriorated so badly. Then i stumbled across a reddit post after constantly searching google for answers of how i could feel so strongly for my partner both mentally and physically and now i could feel nothing at all. I came across something about HOCD and it gave me the first wave of relief. As someone who was in relationships since they were young and i was both mentally and physically attracted to them, there were other things that were validating this spiral of thought. After losing my relationship my distraction was attached into the relationship i was mourning and i would ruminate about how upset i was over it. The relationship didn’t fully cut ties and i still felt all the love. Fast forward 2 years and we have gotten back together. But now the relationship is more stable again, i find myself spiralling and checking myself to see it i am a lesbian and i’ve been in denial this whole time. I don’t feel as anxious about jt as i recognise my thought pattern but i am really stressed about it. I don’t wanna ruin this relationship again as it destroyed me the first time. I constantly check if i’m attracted the a women eveytime i scroll in my FYP and feel as though i’m convincing myself to be attracted to the men i see on it. I feel like i’ll never know the truth of how i’m feeling and it’s debilitating. i feel like i’m a fraud and that i’m faking everything but it’s also all i’ve ever known. I’ve tried to come to terms with bisexuality, that doesn’t scare me but my brain keeps saying ur a lesbian ur a lesbian and i cant settle it. I don’t wanna come out jusst to realise it wasn’t real. what do i do?

I feel like I have been spiraling lately because all day every day I’m scared to do something wrong in my relationship. I can’t be near men because I’m scared that I kiss them If something touches my lip like my hair or sweater or even a rain drop tbh I think I kissed someone Just today i was getting out of my car and I was on the phone with my boyfriend and I think I turned my head and my hoodie hit my lip and right away I started freaking out bc from a distance I saw a man so I was already anxious and I convinced myself he was near me and that it was him just bc what I think was my sweater hit my lip and I was on the phone with my boyfriend and I still think it was another man I feel like it’s getting out of control but I can’t help but to confess everything all the time because then I feel like I’m hiding something and then I start feeling guilty and then it turns out to be for nothing But I can’t sit with the uncertainty especially if something touches my lip, I can’t stand it I hate living like this tho because I lose all motivation for everything tbh 😭

I feel like I’ve been doing well in therapy, but I had a setback this morning where a situation that triggered my anxiety caused a litany of compulsions. I just realized I’ve wasted about an hour trying to figure out what to do. How do you handle setbacks like this?

I’m struggling with a flare up and would love to help support someone else too. I know the right things to say and do, but sometimes it is too difficult to keep perspective . ❤️

Hey, I know this is kind of farfetched, but sometimes when it feels like its soo true and im just in denial, even if I just try to “sit with it” if feels like my whole future with my bf is a lie and that when we’re gonna have to face challenges with our kids or if life throws us problems if feels like I would feel hopeless and sad and will leave him in a second but if I imagined it with a women if feels fine? Like I feel strong and that we can beat anything? And this triggers me sooooooo much because it just adds to the denial part. Also I’m re-watching ghost whisperer and its all about tellinng you secrets and being true to yourself before you die and it feels like I’ll just say “yes immgay” and feel at peace. Idk whats going on… everytime I feel a little better its not as strong as what my ocd (or so I think) makes me believe. Like I would be fine not labeling myself and enjoying my life with my bf and then the next day my mind would say “ yeah you feel fine but you would feel a hundred times happier with women” or “he’s just an exception or so you think because you’re trying so hard to make it work and if you tried with any other guy you would hate it and be bored and not attached at all” and it truly feels this way because I could never get attached easily with guys but with women it feels like I would get attached in a second. Ughh just wanted to take that off my mind.

guys! guys! omg ok for once I have a good post. (sort of) SUUUPPPERRRR long post. sorry. perhaps this also includes symptoms of OCD. alright, so basically I have been chatting a bit with a coworker of mine. here’s a breakdown: our relationship is like “bullying” each other. ofc, this isn’t anything serious but just us being silly goofballs cos work gets soooo boring at times when there isn’t much business. he started it first by giving me attitude when we started talking 🙄 (in a playful way lol) anyway, he’s 19 & goes to the same college I go to! so now I’m thinking “omg! I can make a friend!” bc it’s been SO hard for me to make friends. he’s pursuing a career in architecture and that peeked my interest even more. a bit about me: I’m currently lost as to what I want to pursue in my life but for a long time as a kid, I thought of being an architect. I have a couple of uncles on my dad’s side that are architects, although they’re in a different country. soooooo, ofc I became interested bc I can talk abt design and other stuff!!! and ask him a buuuunch of questions. we just don’t have much time to talk at work bc of how busy it gets most of the time (our workplace has high business during lunch hours) and we work morning shifts. I feel like each shift we’re together, I can get slightly closer to having that friendship. now, where does OCD fall into this? I have a fear that I might have a crush on him or something. this isn’t the first time that I felt this way for a coworker. I’m thinking it could be false attraction or just me romanticizing a person that’s not there???? I have been struggling with my usual daydreaming of having a boyfriend. my type is someone who is open-minded, but also has their own beliefs, kind, loyal, musical, older (or same age), etc. basically the bare minimum + music & other fun stuff. the problem? he’s 2 years younger than me & I feel like I’m contradicting myself. I have dated a girl 2 years younger than me (really just 1 year and a couple of months…but bc of our birthdays, it looks like two years) before as my first relationship. but I feel like I have more attraction to older people? there’s a reoccurring thought that says maybe I’m destined to be with someone younger even though I suffer with POCD (not diagnosed, but definitely share symptoms) also, I have been fearing that my friendships with guys are always starting with “potential love interests.” this probably happened with my other friend whom I met online and eventually met up irl. we got drunk and were cuddly that night. nothing past that. when I first met him online, he texted me an update of a conversation we had the night before and our friendship grew when I invited him to play games. in that, my brain started to imagine random love scenarios and I started to “like” him based on his personality, voice, etc. I didn’t even know how he looked like irl. he’s a very nice friend & absolutely cool but I’m worried I have just labeled him down to “friend that I possibly have a crush on” bc I remember geeking to my best friend abt him. these sort of “potential love interests” have started ever since my ex broke up with me. I realize that I have a very strong preference for men. and now I feel like each relationship I try with men, I end up “crushing” or sometimes even “flirting.” I have done some of that to some and I feel remorse about it now. I feel like I did this during the time I was dealing with extreme loneliness and was just seeking attention. I’m still struggling as I haven’t had any irl friends since 16 years old. I don’t know why I’m being like this or that my brain is telling me things I don’t want. I don’t want to keep looking at guys and think they are “potential lovers.” that is just a shitty thing to think. I wanna have friends but this has been ruining it for me for guys. it’s like I’m “searching for the one” and discarding my other guy friends. ofc, I have never done that. I have good friends. I just might’ve romanticized some parts of them and “built” my dream lover in my mind. I don’t know how to fix this. going back to my coworker; I’m scared it will be the same as it has been recently with my guy friends (some of them). I do find him pretty though, I won’t deny it. I have definitely been making eye contact with him, which is a very big thing from me bc I hate eye contact. once I do it, it’s because of trust/interest. only time it’s not that is when I want to let people who are having a convo with me know that I’m listening, although it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like making eye contact with majority of the people. but with him it seems different? I haven’t known him for long but I feel this sort of trust??? idk. he has pretty eyes. and sometimes I look at him and wish I looked like him. like be a guy. I do that often with other men. I wish I could look as good as them. but I’m a woman. that’s another issue for another day. ANYWAYYY, so I was about to cancel my movie theater subscription bc I forget to cancel since I haven’t been using it. I currently have some credits to watch movies. I thought about asking my coworker if he would like to watch a movie! I want to get rid of these movies and hey, free movie! I’m just nervous bc this will be the first time asking someone to hang out outside of work/school. (except for one old friend last year) another thing I’m scared of becoming friends with is that of moral list I have for myself. what if he doesn’t share the same morals as me? I am a forgiving person and willing to accept change, but scared having to deal with arguments and stuff. this is another thing that stops me from having friends. just by having a high standard of morals. I mean, they’re basic morals but even then, in this world, there are people that do not have them. I feel like I am dipping my feet into the pool. I think I am willing to risk it to see if a friendship grows out of this. I hope so. I’m tired of this loneliness. help!!!

Just sharing this a bit as I got to terms with the end of my high school career. I feel like I've spent a big time after starting medication on rumination and just feeling overall terrible. I didn't recieve any treatment until it got unbearable for myself, my family, my friends, and my school work. I was constantly having breakdowns and trying to get someone around me to understand. I can recall instances of these breakdowns where I would just get called crazy and irrational, which does not help at all. I was always terrified of getting close to people. I start having bad intrusive thoughts but I know that I would never want to hurt anyone. I can't stop thinking if people would've just taken me seriously in the beginning I could've done so much better. I had many failing grades as a lot of days my mind gets so occupied by every little thing ever I can't even just focus on working. This made my post-grad plans complicated. I want to apologize to the pain I've caused to my family and anyone involved in my life. I'm scared if they touched me I'll contaminate them with something. I was also constantly in ans out of hospital from stress relatwd illnesses as well as "illnesses" my brain convinced me I had. I feel like an instrument of destruction. When I was really young I was fully convinced I was the anti-christ and the only way to change that is if I ended my life. I went off on a tangent, but overall I'm glad at last I could get some chemical relief. While it still effects me everyday, I try to push myself out of my boundaries while making sure I have people around me to reassure me even if the reassurance is "if you do get a heart attack we'll call an ambulance". The best advice that has worked for me as a hypochondriac ia when i feel like mind spiraling to crazy ends like illnesses and possible deaths, I think abt even if you were getting close to it, theres always a way to srop it through diagnoses and help from professionals. It calms me a little to know that even if my obsessions are "right"(they never are), There is always a solution to it. Hope as time goes on I can come to terms with the way my brain is wired, and function like the ones around me do. I had a therapist told me I was incredible for staying in school despite all that I've told her. I felt a relief at that moment since for the longest time I thought I wasn't doing Thanks for making it to the very end sorry for the incredible long vent!

Does anybody else with religion OCD ever feel like no matter how many times you tell yourself that God is watching over you your body just won’t let you feel safe? And does anyone with religion OCD ever feel like because it has to do with religion, it is so much bigger? I’m currently sitting in my bedroom in paralysis because I don’t know what to do with myself in my mind. Can anyone with religion OCD weigh in?

I recently got diagnosed with Austism and this very loaded paragraph was on the report: "Other differential or other possible alternative diagnoses for your consideration are complex personality structures resultant from effortful attempts to cope with unmet emotional and attachment needs. These included: - rigidity associated with ***obsessive-compulsive disorder*** or personality and overcompensations associated with narcissistic personality' (emphasis mine)" It was surprising to me as I don't have any of the stereotypical OCD behaviours like excessive cleaning. There was nothing else mentioned in the report and I only had one hour to go through it in person with the assessor, and OCD didn't come up. Wondering if there is anyone else here with ASD and what if anything is the the relationship between ASD and OCD? Part of me thinks there is something worth exploring here (because nothing else is really helping me) and another part of me thinks this is just some vague conjecture the assessor put in (and it's not clear what the point of putting it in there was, like sure I *might* have OCD and NPD like I *might* be *pick random DSM diagnosis from the manual*) Is there something to explore here? The only thing I have that seems to be similar or related to OCD is I often have a voice in my saying negative thoughts ("you are the most pathetic person in the world" type thoughts, and those can often spiral out of control and lead to a meltdown/rage. Sometimes it feels like the entire universe is mocking me, and sometimes when an inconvenient coincidence happens it's like the universe is playing a joke on me, just to provoke meltdown so it/they can laugh at me having a meltdown for their own personal entertainment) Sorry for the huge post, I have great difficulty with brevity (I'd be super surprised if anyone has actually read up to here!!!)