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Why isn’t the road to recovery a smooth one, it feels like 2 steps forward and 1 one backward, it’s confusing me and gives me this feeling of hopelessness when ever I backslide to that dark pit again

I know there is something wrong with me. Maybe it’s because of expose at an early age to mature content or maybe it’s undiagnosed hyper sexuality I think I’ve had for a while. Maybe I should unalive before I hurt someone. I’m addicted to fanfiction and my phone and I have been for a long time. I at a very early age knew everything to do with s*x and BDSM and kinks of all nature and nothing ever phased me really. I myself was an online victim of a p* but I led everything, he just never declined. “Vanilla” became boring in a way, a way I now know has led me here. I read fanfiction and things sexual with underage people, I thought oh there’s no harm because is just fiction and not real life and if stuff like that exists on the website and is able to be written maybe i can treat it separately from real life. But what if I am a p* for reading etc? I’m spiralling because I seen the comments under one of those stories and 1/4 were death threats, 1/4 are disgusting comments and the rest were neutral. I suspect I have C-ptsd, autism and adhd which all worked together in a very unhealthy tandem to led me to this. All I can feel is disgust and shame and the desire to end it. I don’t really know why I made this post or what anyone can say really but I’m sorry.

I stopped taking meds about 3 weeks now and i didnt had any problem, and after 3 weeks just randomly a huge setback hitted me. I didnt had this bad setback while i was taking the meds, but before i was taking it, i felt this many times, and im afraid its not just ocd. A huge feeling of i want to cry comes and i cant handle any problem cause it makes me emotional. Im afraid it was a bad idea, i dont even sleeo well... if its really the medication then im scared to start to take again cause its beem 3 weeks now, and also when i started taking it i had really bad side effects. Idk what to think cause many times i didnt took the medication as i should cause i forgot it, i was really bad at it so thats the other reason i stopped, but everytime i stopped taking it for some days, i just noticed a minor setback. Now that i stopped taking it i didnt wanted to give attention to that cause i was afraid and i knew if i do then i will say to every little bad feeling that its because of that and i will be obsessed. So 2 weeks passed and i completely forgot about that and i didnt had any bigger problem, until i just remembered that i dont take it and i feel okay, its just made me happy. Then things got upside down really quick, i started feeling low, i was really negative and slowly i started to be weaker and weaker until i just got where i am now. I do notice i spin in my head alot of times, and i cand decide what is the good thing i should do, even in recovery, i say okay i ignore that feeling now, imediatelly i think "but thats important, if you sweep it it will come back worse, you should deal with it" and many times when these are getting worse i get angry at myself. This night i couldnt sleep well and i was so emotional. My dad said something negative to me that made me spin what should i do, should i move, people say i need to stay away from negative people but i dont want to move to live alone... and this made me feel bad too. Im so emotional right now, and i feel guilt cause im might be here cause i stopped taking medication... and if its that and im like this without meds, then idk how i will ever fully stop it, this is scary... also at night in the mids of the painful feeling and guilt, i had again a sucidal ocd experiment, i learned to not give into it, and i can see the lie, i could see it now too, it just it was so agressive because i wanted the pain to go away but not like that, but still my brain came up with it, i know its ocd im just afraid if this gets worse i will not be able to tell it cause it was still really agressive and strong. I keep thinking "i felt like this before i took medication, that means im back there, i cant do this without meds" and this breaks me...

It feels like I make progress with some obsessions and others gets significantly worse at the same time, so I’m never at peace. I’m spending all this time, money, and energy just for OCD to find another way to keep me on edge.

Nah females who find that your ocd gets worse when you’re on your period how do you handle it? Because I’ve been “reading signs” that the guy I’m totally head over heels for hates me now just because he’s got a lot on his plate right now and he’s not feeling the best mentally, I’ve not changed that to fit the storyline that I’m gonna loose him. I then brought this up to him in a way where I was like I hope that me being away (I’m currently travelling for 3 months) and our thing in general isn’t one of the things plaguing your mind, he then said no it’s not. I then said okay good I just wanna check that we’re still good sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed he said yeah I understand don’t worry, but my brain then goes “why didn’t he say of course I wanna still be with you don’t worry” which then makes me think he hates me. I’m so fucking overwhelmed! Because now also I feel like a horrible gf I’ve been trying to be there for him and I fully know that this all has nothing to do with me he’s got stuff on his mind, and I’ve just gone wait is this because you hate me? When I didn’t mean it like that! And now I wanna apologise and say I’m sorry for how stupid my question was, but I’ve already done that AND NOW I’ve made up that he actually fully hates me and his “it’s okay don’t worry” actually is “stfu you’re annoying me” I CANT WIN!

I’m turning 20 this year. I feel like I have so much limited time of being “young” which I never thought about before this. Growing up is so hard and I don’t know if it’s turning into ocd or not

I literally cannot sleep in my room anymore! I just obsess over getting a kidney stone, or my appendix bursting cuz I have some stomach twinges. Oh, but wait, I might be having a brain aneurysm cuz I have had a headache since noon. Or maybe my gut burst and now I am having stomach pains because I have sepsis! Also, my mom had knee surgery so I, of course, am going to start having knee pain. Now, back to the stomach pains…… and on and on and on! I want to turn it off but it starts screaming in my head- over and over and over again while I try to sleep! What do I do?! I am making myself miserable!

I have contamination OCD and it is difficult to get anyone to understand why I’m afraid to touch certain things. People assume I’m afraid of germs and disease or that I think I or someone else will get sick. This is not true. I’m afraid to touch the things because I just don’t want what it is connected to in my mind to be a part of me or anyone I love.

I used to avoid the Reddit spiral but after making the mistake of looking up comphet last night for the first time in years I am absolutely spiraling. Have spent this whole day googling things in my bed in the dark. Not responding to anyone, not doing anything. I have found more comfort in the bisexual Reddit sub where there are more people criticizing the master doc but as my brain keeps spinning and spinning it feels like it all makes sense. A lot of them don’t understand how someone can be at some point sexually attracted to a man or want to do anything with them and then somehow be lesbian? Like if they didn’t feel forced, i mean. If you were consciously doing it because you were aware you were under pressure then that would make sense, but I feel like that doesn’t apply to me?? Maybe in some ways, like I felt convinced I needed to fit in at school and there was a couple times someone insinsuated i was not straight when I was younger and then like I’d feel the need to prove it with an existing crush like no I think _____ is cute but I don’t recall any of those crushes being formed as a RESULT of that. I just wouldn’t really do anything about my crushes and definitely had some experiences with limerence when I was younger. And even a couple times recently which drove me insane. At the same time me being super horny kind of coincided with the time that I got my iud in?? Maybe that’s the problem?? I don’t know. I also don’t remember fancying any women sexually or noticing it until I got the first same sex dream which is what I believe triggered my SO-OCD. I tend to be much more avoidant in such I would avoid googling things and avoid tv shows with gay characters and stuff like that. I would still check my attraction but now I’m the opposite and constantly googling. I’ve been sitting here all day nonstop. I’m psychoanalyzing every interaction I’ve had with both genders and am like losing it. It felt like I related to too much on the comphet doc and subs for this to not be true. But how can that all be a lie? I just don’t understand. Last night just to ease my cognitive dissonance I said ok fine maybe I’m bi. I’m bi whatever. And that eased a bit of my discomfort. But now 1. I feel like all of my attraction to men is gone now that I apparently confirmed my attraction to women and 2. Now I’m convinced I wouldn’t be bi enough and I’m just a lesbian??? I don’t even know. It never stops. And the thing that triggered me was people talking about how distressing it was for them to realize they didn’t like men. I guess I thought that was an SOOCD thing but nope another thing to worry about. Like how??? It just all feels so damn real and sometimes I feel like I’m just using HOCD to cover up my true desires. Writing this post I feel like I’m just making excuses. But if I swear I’ve felt genuinely sexually attracted to men, maybe not now but in the past and have enjoyed doing things to them, then how can I be a lesbian??? It doesn’t make any sense. I’d honestly be fine if I was bi if that meant my attraction to men was still there. I know it’d end up fine if I was really lesbian but it’s so hard for me to believe that all of that just wasn’t true. I never felt much pleasure through penetrative sex and struggled to get turned on. Like I feel like now at least men’s bodies don’t do it for me and women’s could if I let my mind accept it. In the past I feel like I’d go crazy over vlines and veiny hands like I literally remember looking up veiny hands on my own because I thought they were hot. And there’s things I love about men too but I just don’t know if it’s comphet or what. But I literally have gotten turned on to a man’s body from both solo porn and videos sent to me so what?? I don’t feel disgusted by men, maybe a bit uncomfortable around them but mainly the ones I considered attractive. I know I’ve seen a man and thought wow I’d totally fuck him. But I guess when it comes down to it I don’t enjoy it as much as I think I will?? Maybe I’m asexual, or bi, demi, or graysexual or heteroromantic or whatever. Any of those I’d honestly be fine with. But it’s just the idea of being a lesbian that freaks me out, and I don’t like to think it’s because of internalized homophobia but because this is something I’ve known to be true about myself for so long and something I rarely doubted albeit maybe a few times after crude comments from classmates. But I don’t know. It’s all just wild how different things feel. It feels like my brain is telling me I’m just lying when I was sobbing crying over a man two days ago. Like what?? It brings me nothing but stress and anxiety. I haven’t slept well in days. I’d usually go to bed fantasizing about a man and now I can barely even do it because my brain is telling me it’s not what I want. Ugh.

idk the false attraction feels to powerful, like i can't just let it go or,"observe without judgement" Like i physically cant do that. With false attraction it feels like real physical attraction like it feels super genuine and I hate it. Idk how to describe how I feel but now its like 90 percent of the dudes i see that are attractive dudes. its very hypersensitive thing idk. But it grasp on to that so I cant let it go it sucks. What makes it worse is that i feel no anxiety, no distress and no discomfort it doesnt feel like. Basically it feels like real attraction. and whenever i get to the stage of trying to figuring it out i tend to make my HOCD worse idk im getting weird tingling feelings now and it feels like im gay, this usually happens when im trying to look up stuff, but when this happens it feel so ridiculously real, like I've been convinced of being gay, and now it feels like the thoughts don't give me depression or anxiety or distress now. what sucks is ive been dealing with this for so long, but now it feels genuine and ive become ok with everything, the false attraction, the thoughts and not in the good way.

Whenever I’m out having fun with friends. I feel such shame, guilt, and sadness that I am having fun without my immediate family and start to think about the fact that they won’t be here with me one day. They have difficult lives so I feel guilt that I’m able to have fun while they deal with depression or anxiety. It consumes me to the point where I will want to leave what I’m doing and go home. Even when I am with them sometimes I hyper-fixate on the idea of them passing one day or soon and I become overwhelmed with sadness so I try to do lots of things to tune out those thoughts. Any ideas on how to cope with this?

Does anyone have intrusive thoughts at that are sounds ? I have brought this up numerous times and can’t figure out with this is a compulsion or obsession. Right now it is a siren I repeat in my head for some reason and it’s driving me crazy. Really worried it’s something worse. I just want a clear head.

Hello does anyone struggle to go to sleep at night? feels like my mind is awake all night and wake up exhausted.

TW death, terminal illness I feel like I could be suffering from complex post traumatic stress disorder, specifically due to loss. I just get these waves of sadness, not always physical but like a hole is in my chest and my body is compacting on itself. Sometimes it does come out in the form of crying. Random things trigger it, mostly music, and sometimes it seems like nothing at all has. Death has always been a core part of my life and my childhood. I have a massive family and im one of the youngest, so that means much of my relatives have and will die before me (potentially.) my grandma when I was age 2, great grandparents around 5-6, 2 cousins around age 8, grandpa at age 9, aunt at age 10, other grandpa at age 12, other grandma at age 13, more aunts and uncles age 14-16, and most recently, my uncle who I was very close with died when I was 18 a year ago. They’ve all died from rather horrific causes, glioblastoma, birth defect, cancer, dementia. Cancer is the biggest. I just feel like im always anticipating the next soul shattering loss. Will it be my mom or dad? My cousin? A baby cousin? My aunt and 2nd mother figure? I feel surrounded by death. I think this is why I have such intense, spontaneous waves of depression. I feel it right now as im typing this. I think writing it out is helping.

I l’m getting an ultra sound of my stomach tomorrow for a “pain” I’ve been having. I have health OCD and as you can imagine, my anxiety is through the roof. I just can’t stop thinking that something is deathly wrong with me. The results won’t be back until Monday and I just don’t know how I’m going to survive any of this. 😭

Is accepting the thoughts but trying no to get scared by them even if they are scary and cause me anxiety a compulsion? Like I m accepting them but I m trying no to be scared of them so I don’t get the anxiety but I still get the anxiety

I am constantly fidgeting and playing with my hair as sensory relief. I have a great deal of sensory processing issues. Like, finger picking, shaking leg, playing with my hair, etc. These are all things I sometimes don’t even notice my body I’m doing. It almost feels I am not in control. I have others constantly pointing it out and asking why. Makes me super embarrassed and uncomfy. Any fidget recommendations or anything to help me find other ways of relief or desensitization?? Sending all good energy ✨

Hello, I am diagnosed PTSD, ADHD(when I was kid, not sure if I grew out of it, Panic Disorder, GAD, and Hypochondria. Let me start by saying 2023 was one of the most stressful years of my whole entire life, it seriously took a mental toll on me and ever since August of 2023 I have developed this strange symptom and I do not know how to articulate what it feels like but I will try my best, so bear with me... it feels like my eyes are aching and my brain/mind is just completely overloaded, if I try and read anything or really concentrate on something or do anything that requires brain power i get super restless and my brain tries to pull me away from whatever it is I'm trying to focus on, my brain physically will not let me do anything that requires a lot of mental power, it feels like everything is too much and if I try and power through the feelings anyway I get agitated, restless, nervous, just this overall crawl out of my skin, urge to escape feeling. It's almost painful. I literally feel pressure in my head and almost get a headache. This symptom has made my speech sloppy, I can never form complete sentences, I have trouble forming thoughts as well. It seriously is affecting my ability to function, I get this feeling on and off throughout the day and it lasts about a week or two then I'm somewhat normal for a week then it will come back again.

Do you pair it with another activity? Do it at the same time every day? Something else? I'd love to hear your answers. Hopefully I can adopt some of them.

i’m really scared. i’ve had hocd for the past 3 years but i’ve only known what it was for about 6 months. i have groinal responses really anytime i look at a woman, i am scared that it’s arousal. i’m scared that i’m gay and don’t really like boys and im scared that things from my childhood “made” or “proved” me to be gay. i have intrusive thoughts that tell me to kiss my friends and i get really anxious around them and ill think i’m attracted to them. i have a really great boyfriend and i really like him and when we touches me it feels amazing but my mind tries to tell me it’s not real and it’s anxiety. also TMI i get lubrication from groinal responses but i also get wet from my boyfriend which makes me confused on which is real. i don’t want to be gay, i want to be straight. i want to just be able to live my life. someone help me!!