Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I feel blocked…mentally emotionally…what can I do? Does the feeling of love actually comes back in? How do you choose to stay in a relationship when you feel like this.

Mention of overwhelming/ not crying when my one Grandma and Grandpa died and just my frustrations and confusion. !!!! If you're dealing with smt or if today you're having a good day and not want to have any extra bad mood or feeling, I wouldn't recommend you reading my problems. Why don't I cry when My Grandpa die. I'm not close with them and I don't feel many grief. And I feel a little feel bad for being just normal and happy when I see some fun content while in between grief. And It's not like I don't know how to cry. I cry when I frustrated or stressed or emotional or depressed. And today too I cried because I'm frustrated/overwhelmed with many house chores to do (house chores is not main reason it's like..frustared that I feel this way to do house chores. I also feel shouldn't be because my mom can't do these cause she would tired. So I shouldn't be complaining but still I want all my family members to know I can feel tried and let me have me my time and don't calling me all the time. I notice I'm always overwhelmed whenever like this and maybe cause I'm still teens and not matured enough and I think I shouldn't be upset..I don't upset them I'm just frustrated. But I still respond not really well when they come say smt to me in this state. I wouldn't also like to let my mom do house chores too. [just explaining why to you guys and I'm sorry if this makes you feels in negative way by my overwhelming. I'm just like this and I need to understand how to set my mind and deal my mental. Maybe I should meditate.] ) and my Grandpa died 3days ago. Today I'm trying not to be obvious abt crying cause I think my sister would low-key judge why don't I cry when Grandpa died but now.( She has good relationship with me but she still can judge me) I can't help but they could noticed.( And she don't say nothing tho) I think like that because when my one Grandma died I didn't cry and days later when I talk with mom abt "that how I'm stressed when doing school works with group and that I cried" , my sister said smt like It's nothing to cry you don't even cry when Grandma died Why you cry abt nth. And my problem is I feel am I just self centered? Heartless? Being not normal? (But I still think that it's normal to not feel sad when you don't close with them)

Hi everyone, At my psychiatry appointment last week my doctor let me know I likely have ADHD (as I suspected and honestly am shocked I hadn’t been diagnosed in my life *yet*). Anyhow, I’m curious if anyone else on here has both of these diagnoses and how it shows up for you?

A couple hours ago I started having a fever, my body can’t stop shivering and my fingertips are numb. I took medicine for it, but my ocd is off the rails right now I can’t control my emotions. It’s just a fever, everyone gets them, but I can’t stop crying bc my ocd is making my life flash before my eyes. It’s so dramatic and I hate it. I hate how this happens every time I get particularly ill, my ocd makes it ten times worse and makes me feel like I’m dying. I’ve been panicking for an hour and just trying to distract myself with social media while the medicine kicks in. I wish my mom was here.

Is this a normal, unspoken thing that all of us humans do in order to make friends, connect with others, make them like us, and make them feel we relate to them and they relate to us? - Lets say there is a person you really, really like and admire. You really like being friends with them, they’re just a cool person. They’re always happy, very successful, independent, confident, etc. and they just make you feel so good about yourself. You admire their values and their way of life. You don’t necessarily like the way they dress, but you like them so much that how they dress grows on you, so you find yourself at Target one day, you see a shirt that looks just like something they would wear, and you buy it. You buy it because it reminds you of them. You buy it because in an odd sense it makes you feel like them (kind of like a little boy who puts on a superman costume feels like he’s superman.) You buy it because you want to connect with them. You want them to think, “oh, I love your shirt and they will because it’s something the’d wear.) You also find yourself doing and saying things that they do sometimes just because other people wear off on us, and sometimes just because we like feeling like them. Sometimes I find myself purposely acting like them when Im at home or starting to use their lingo. It’s almost a way of carrying them around with me. Im so worried something is wrong with me or that Im not being truthful to them. Ive been this way my whole life. Have never had a problem making friends/keeping friends. Im 45, have had the same friends since middle school, been with my husband for 15 yrs., have 2 amazing kids. On the outside I am quite normal. I believe people to think Im well put together and have been told so before. I thought I was on the inside as well until OCD got ahold of me 3 months ago. It just tells me Im fake, manipulative (with how I win people over), unauthentic person who tricks everyone in to being my friend or to like me. No, I don’t have borderline personality disorder, and have been evaluated by a therapist. I had a thorough assessment when I was seen for severe health anxiety. Can anyone relate? Thank you!

I just wanted to share my experience in order to show others that it does get better. I'm not offering reassurance (haha), but a glimmer of hope. NOCD has helped me tremendously, and with medication and therapy I am finally feeling like my old self again. Just months ago I didn't think this would be possible. You can do it!

i feel like a bad person. i’ve made a lot of mistakes in my relationship which my bf has forgiven me for but i can’t help but feel like a horrible person. my mind keeps going back to every mistake i’ve made an i feel the need to tell my bf every single thing. an i think stuff i don’t want to think which ik i can’t help and alot of the time idk if it’s intrusive thoughts or normal thoughts everyone does but i just can’t help feeling like my bf would hate me if he knew the rest of my mistakes he knows a majority of them we both agreed not to tell him anything else bc it doesn’t matter but idk i just feel so awful and i get panic attacks an just really bad episodes bc of the guilt of everything i honestly just want it to go away.

Lately I've been feeling like giving up on everything even if that everything is little to nothing since OCD has practically kept me captive 2 years. Been suffering since 13, found out I had OCD around 20-21 and now I'm 26. My dream is to be have my own businesses, I personally see myself as I have everything to do that except I can't get out of the house, consistently. I have 2 online business but one of them has performed poorly since I was late for some shipments and even 2 or 3 were never shipped cause I just couldn't get myself out of bed, I refunded the money obviously. There is this other online nursery I started 2-3 months ago I do not grow the trees but rather just offer them online. I wanted to start growing them since it seems something I like business wise and welp growing plants in general, that way I can offer better prices to people. But how? I can't even get out of my house? Like.... should I just give up? I see good potential in it since I've had good sales and just started 2-3 months ago. Now in fall I wanted to build a green house, but how? One week I'm good, going out 3-4 times a week and then the next week I stay inside 4 days in a row, being late with some shipments. Should I just give up? I feel I shouldn't visualize myself with anything, I shouldn't dream in accomplishing things. Why do it? If I'm incapable to use the bathroom properly, have my room as I would like it to be, sit at the dining table and have a meal? I think I should give up on my dreams. I have so many ideas but.... you! OCD do not let me live my life! Thanks, OCD But I think to myself, giving up is not gonna make OCD go away. But at least I won't cry 5 days a week for not being able to accomplishing. Just like one of my sister said one time "you should be realistic". I used to think that was a conformist idea, but I'm starting to get it. I shouldn't be dreaming. I think I'll suffer less if I just give up. I'm sorry if it's confusing, every time I finished i sentence I wiped my tears off since I'm crying typing this out cause it hurts so much not being able to do what you want. I can't even cry properly cause of OCD. I guess I'm just letting my emotions out here. Or maybe it's just an OCD phase? I've been improving overall do exposures make you cry? How do they make you feel? Before, during and after?

Tw: incest related intrusive thoughts ok so some months ago my intrusive thoughts started with a what if I'm attracted to my older brother, it was really hard especially because I had a bad therapist those first months who treated me like I was in denial, after changing my therapist and doing a lot of intern work I'm doing a lil better because I'm practicing not caring about those intrusive sexual thoughts or whatever comes into my mind, it's super hard and exhausting but a lot of you would understand. What happens now is that he started to date one of my bestfriends, and i always told her to not date him because I didn't like the idea of them together, is uncomfortable, but ok here we are lol when i found out i cried a lot, i am a certified cry baby lol but i kept getting thoughts like what if you really like him and that's why you crying, then it kind of pass but now i had a chat with him about this situation and i started crying again so those thoughts came back, and then my old therapist comes into my mind, i hate her, she onces told me that it won't be the end of the world if i like him and i have to accept it, and i hated that because why are you talking to me like I'm in denial, she never believed i had intrusive thoughts, this is so exhausting because my family doesn't understand why am i crying and I can't explain fully 🥲

I have had a major set back a couple of weeks ago and I have been feeling the most depressed I have ever been. It feels like I am drowning. I am not even living. I feel so scared and guilty all the time. There is this deep horror and sadness every where I go. I feel so alone. I hate this. I just want to be happy. I feel so lost. I am and trying so hard to keep on going. I am trying to keep up. And do erp. But I have had to start all over again. I am just doing the basics because that is all I can handle at the moment. I feel so fragile, one thought or memory or action distroys me in seconds. I am second guessing everything. This is like torture. I am in so much pain. I feel so lost. God why me? I have POCD, so it is so much worse. I don’t feel like myself, I feel like a monster. I feel like I am disgusting. This is the worst possible person I can be and I am convinced I don’t have ocd. So much evidence is digging into my brain. I just really need some advice. I don’t want reassurance please, that will just make me worse. I have been doing erp. I have not been reassuring myself or checking which is probably why I feel so sick right now. I am not giving in but it is so hard, it is destroying me and I can’t even do the things I love. Idk, I guess I just need people to tell me I will be okay. I need maybe some erp advice. I just feel so alone and I can’t talk to the ones I love about it. I just want to be happy again. I just feel guilty and disturbed by myself constantly,

I encourage you to read, I apologize in advance if this is too long. In 22 years of my life… I think this is the lowest point of my mental health it’s ever been… depressed would probably be a far-fetched statement but I’ve having more sadder days, more angered days. Today had to be one of the worst days I’ve ever had in my life so far… Recently, I’ve been overthinking EVERY SINGLE MOVE I’ve made, like seriously… every single move I’ve made. Here’s some recent examples. ( 3/4 of these happened today ) • I’ll hear some good music, I’ll dance … but I’ll stop because it feels like there’s a sexual intent behind. • I’m laying down, I put my hand behind the back and get comfortable… but I’ll put this image in my head so that this nice feeling has some sort of sexual sensation behind it and I’ll move my hand, being disgusted with the thought. • I’m half-asleep, these intrusive thoughts are intruding me, I sleep on my stomach which now enhances the sexual thoughts ( wanted or unwanted, mostly unwanted these days, I try to sleep in different positions but it doesn’t help ) and I’m groaning, acknowledging these disgusting thoughts, but I don’t switch my sleep position which feels like I’m encouraging the thoughts, it always feels like I encourage my intrusive thoughts more when I’m sleep/half-asleep. • (this is the worst one ) I usually take walks to listen to music and calm down but today… it did NOT work at all, I became more frustrated then I was before. I was walking back home. I noticed someone near my house and I assumed the worst thing possible ( what if it’s a kid/teen? ) and avoided to look, then I ended up looking at my house … but here’s the twist, I looked at the house as if it was the assumed kid/teen I was trying to avoid, I actually ended up looking at the person to prove a point ( didn’t work, I don’t know if it was an adult or kid? Barely looked at them ) So, the situation has gotten worse by the day… but here’s the worst. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I love to watch movies and I sometimes challenge myself to watch a movie everyday whenever I get the chance to. I watched a hilarious movie the other day, so I decided to watch the sequel… so y’know, same main characters. The love interest is beautiful and she appears in the second movie… of course she’s an adult, mid-late twenties when both the movies came out but I’ll still assume the worst for no reason. It was her first appearance in the sequel, I closed my eyes because I heard a woman’s voice and assumed the worst, then I realized it was her. Once again, she looked very beautiful…but my mind was tormenting me… one second, it felt like I could look at her, then one second, it felt I shouldn’t look at her. Now, this is when it got really bad… she had a very revealing top, I had the same situation… “oh, I could look, wait… No I don’t think I should… I can look, its nothing to worry about… no bro, I don’t think I should. “ I’m watching the movie on my laptop, so I decided to cover her top with my backhand, I still assumed the worst so I closed my eyes. My hand was placed on the laptop screen and my fingernails had touched the screen, I noticed that feeling… and for a brief moment, I slightly moved my hand back and forth… but there was my image of my head as my eyes were closed, that I was touching her chest, where my fingernails were placed as I covered the screen. I felt like I liked it for a second, I think I did … but I immediately felt disgusted, and opened my eyes… noticed my fingernails were placed inches away from where she was in the screen… and I felt even more disgusted!!! I almost broke my laptop. The reaction felt delayed too even though everything happened in a quick second. The worst feeling is that felt planned, I think it was planned… so it’s a confusing feeling. It felt like my fingers were placed at her chest and I placed that image in my head but when I opened after being disgusted with that thought. I feel relieved and also… disappointment, but mainly disgusted because it wasn’t my intention when I decided to cover the screen. I tried to redo the action but it didn’t work because it felt uncomfortable and experienced a unwanted groinal response. I hope I’m not rambling to y’all. So I end this by asking was that me fantasizing or forcing an intrusive thought? I know it was an adult, and I tried to tell myself that and everything is all good… but whenever I assume the worst, the thought of a kid/teen pops out… even when it’s not there in the intrusive thought, it’s still there, if that makes sense.

Does anyone with Scrupulosity deal with feeling like you might quench(disobey) the Spirit?

I am in the process of dating a guy. It just feels right with him and deep down I know the feelings are there - my brain now tells me all the time that I’m lying to him, I’m lying to myself, I’m not allowed to tell my friends about him because I’m one big liar. It also tells me that I actually like women and not men to the extent I’m believing all those thoughts. I just cried because it felt real so I did some mental compulsions to make sure it’s still him I have feelings for. It’s all one big downward spiral today… Does anyone experiencing SOOCD during a relationship? 🥲

Why do relapses feel stronger or more convincing? I made the mistake of agreeing with my thoughts and it's made it feel like I want these thoughts even though I was close to being suicidal at one point because of these thoughts. I'm scared I've been changed

Hi! So i've had intense fear of developing schizophrenia for quite some years now. I'm on a point now where I really don't know how to continue with this. So lately I've been having paranoid thoughts when going outside; like thoughts about friends poisoning my drinks, everybody hates me & wants to get rid of me. I do know these aren't true/ won't happen, but they do feel very real. I see the possibility of these being intrusive thoughts. but then there's this other thing. It's when I'm home, no matter if alone or not. I always feel like something's creeping up to me. I could be in the kitchen, just being on my phone, or with my roommate watching tv, and I'd have the most intense, unbearable feeling of something just being there, and going to enter the room. I can literally feel it coming. It pretty much happens all the time, but the evenings are just another level. I can't even tell if I'm hallucinating or not. Like idk if the shadows I see hushing by are in my imagination or if I actually hallucinate them. As with the feelings mentioned before, I know there's nothing going to attack me, jump out etc. but It's almost impossible to just act normal. Like I'd turn away of any doors/windows, I just feel my body wanting to escape. What could that be? I never felt emotions this intense before. I'm diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety and depression.

Hey, I feel like my OCD is a bit different. I not only have the „usual“ OCD voice that says me to not touch my Eye when my Hands are „dirty“ I also have a voice that demands me to touch my eye so I don’t listen to the OCD voice, this Voice is like a Exposure Voice but also demands me to touch my eye when my hands are dirty for real, so it demands me to do dangerous things sometimes and to do exposures wich are over the top. It’s hard for me to divide what is right and wrong sometimes. Does anyone has this too?

There is a person whom I like (few momths ago) suddenly i felt sudden fear i am not into him and I liked this other boy and i wake up everyday woth a rush of fear inside of me i can’t know what’s true is it ocd or is me not liking the boy 100% but i really feel he is a good person wbut once i saw another boy i said this is good better looking more rich bla bla and then the whole fear spiraled again

So things have been okay in my relationship. I feel better after my medication and I’m able to get through my days. I’m slowly battling my OCD but it is hard when it gets colder. I found that because I find happiness in my relationship, the fear of him leaving becomes more and more prominent. There’s a huge feeling in my chest and stomach and even in my mind that something bad is going to happen and he’s going to disappear from my life completely. Right after we’ve been having important discussions (at least to me since I’m in college and been wanting to build my life after I graduate) about marriage and moving in an apartment together. What’s wrong with me? Is this OCD? I keep asking for recurrence that he still loves me and won’t leave me. But that feeling won’t go away. Maybe I’m destined to be alone. Because I truly really love him.

Before I was 19 I never had violent thoughts toward anyone. Ever. My brothers would sometimes fight physically, but it was spontaneous and we always made up. But when harm OCD hit me at the age of 19 on Feb 2, 1995 I have been immersed in the hell of negative thoughts and depression and harm. It has affected my entire life. I've never made enough money to be on my own. Never had a girlfriend. Never had any hopes or dreams. All I ever tried to do was keep my head above water. Along the way I've realized I have borderline personality disorder and major depression. And currently I feel evil and without love for anyone. Indeed I always doubted my love for others I was a good kid, I had always tried to be good. Maybe all that time I was simply selfish and not realizing this. I know I am proud. I haven't worked in 10 years. I broke my back in 2015. Every day is worse than the next. I know it is selfish to worry about yourself, but I have to bc I'm worried I'm going to murder people. I am an alien in the body of a once normal human beings. I have prayed for years for God to kill me or for God to have me win the lotto so I could be alone. I can tell my mind has deteriorated. And I feel that my inability to kill myself means I want to kill others , that if I cared for these people I would do the right thing. Add in the fact the world had lost its mind since 2020 and I just don't recognize myself or anything anymore

Hi, I have lived with OCD for 47 years. I was 12 years old in 1977 when this was diagnosed. Unfortunately at that time very bad decisions were made at that time on how to treat this. Just in case I forget, I place no blame on my parents for this decision. I was the typical OCD starter story. I washed my hands constantly after I came home from school to wash out thoughts of people I saw at school (grade 7). In my mind, I washed my hands because I didn't want to look or act like kids who were being made fun of. I told my mom that I thought I might be going crazy. Within a month of me telling her this the psychiatrist had me institutionalized. I was there with kids who were up to 6 years older than me. Severely autistic kids, kids who were violent, kids who were obviously there for sexual reasons. 3 months. I'll make this long story on this brief by saying the 1st day I was there, I was showering at the boys side of this place, came out to see two girls standing outside the shower room commenting that I had hair down there. I didn't belong anywhere near a place like that. So when I came back home, I went back to my life. Travel hockey (goalie), and baseball and hid my obsessing from everyone for the next decade. I was afraid to ask for help out of fear of being thought to actually be crazy and put back in a place like where I was. I apologize if this is long. I am sure if I dont do it this way, I might never share my story. Without treatment up until I went to college was very difficult. I had an extremely mentally and emotionally abusive father. Hockey wad extremely difficult, especially once I reached high school a played goalie for 2 years on that team. When almost the entire school is there watching being very nervous before a game was a given. But that on top of my OCD going full blast. Now it was seeing a geek kid ( yes I know the label is wrong), sent me to obsessing that unless I wash my skin, or whatever compulsion, that I would play goal the way he would and get embarrassed in front of the whole school. In college for those 3 years it eased up. Never disappeared, just eased up. I'm getting long winded so I'll try to summarize. I did not tell my wife of my illness until it exploded on me a year after we were married. I know that was very wrong of me. But we're still together ( sort of) all this time later. From that time in 1989, it took until 2018 before I found a psychologist who actually knew how to deal with OCD. I went years without looking for help because of being so discouraged. Now my time's spent with psychiatrists were worse. The 1st one prescribed drugs that I ended up in hospital after having a seizure in my family doctor's office. I was seeing him because I thought I had a severe case of the flu. I didn't know any better in 94 that it wasn't the flu, it was the drugs. I didn't know this until an anxiety med I was on was discontinued and in trying to find something to replace it I got the same case of the flu. I actually walked out on a psychiatrist when on the 1st visit in the mid 2010s he was writing out 3 prescriptions after we talked for 7 whole mins. I said sort of still married. We have 2 young daughters just now hitting there teenage years. Over time (and not because of not telling her of my OCD, but just who she is), she has been the trigger of my anxiety which flows to my OCD. Which is where the help coping comes in. The initial overload that brought my OCD out after a year of being married was her telling me that she'd stopped taking her birth control. We were young and I didn't want children so quickly. I have to continue staying here with her now because she has no parenting instincts at all. So I need to counter balance her with my daughter. The level head if you will. But she is a constant trigger of my OCD. After finding the psychologist who finally had a firm handle on OCD and having a number of sessions, during one he stopped me a said that we can talk about the illness all you want but you have ( and I did) a firm handle on all the ins and outs of it, but until you get away from what triggers you ( my wife) it won't ease up in how often it hits you. But as he knew I can't just leave my daughters. I was supposed to have a knee replacement a few years ago that I canceled because my youngest daughter who was 8 at that time went in full panic mode because I said I would probably stay at a friend's for a couple weeks as he was in a bungalow and our bedrooms are on the second floor. She was in panic saying you can't leave me alone with mom. Now how we have the girls is a long story, but it's true that you most times never know what unconditional love is until you feel it for your kids. So here I am. I've had family doctor and a relative and a couple friends tell me I'm an abused spouse. I basically in a nut shell married the female version of my father. So I had one of the worst fathers for dealing with OCD and then went on to marry the worst the same type in my wife. It will be a number of years before my girls can hit yhe leaving the nest stage, so I have a number of years left with the person who triggers my OCD. The second that time comes, I see a divorce lawyer. I wish that I had seen the right person for my OCD 20 years ago, so the divorce would be way in the rear view mirror but it didn't work that way for me. I'm asking anyone in a similar situation, in that you're with a person that triggers your OCD and you can't just leave. How do you cope, what things do you do....