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I just feel lost and I want to talk to someone about my possible Rocd journey and my thoughts but I don't have anyone.

Cw- SI, S/H references I try so hard just to let the thoughts be there and not bother me but they just keep coming back over and over, I don’t trust myself anymore I feel like an evil person and I just want to kill myself I’m so scared that I’m actually what my thoughts say I am, if I am then I will have to kill myself, it feels like a stain on my soul It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering mutilating parts of my body just so I can’t feel anything in those parts or ever use them again I can’t find any relief anywhere, I haven’t felt sure of myself in months, people always tell me it’s okay that I have these thoughts because I don’t want to act on them but my brain keeps saying I do and I would rather kill myself And I’m just so sick of the people saying to accept the uncertainty, I don’t want to have to carry this for the rest of my life I wish I could have literally any other subtype, which I know is selfish of me because everyone else here is suffering too but the stigma and the shame around this one actually sucks the joy out of everything I do

Ocd is killing me. I’ve at least calmed my emotions but my mind just won’t stop. One trigger after another. I’m scared of tomorrow that it will start all over again.

I feel so alone

Hi! So I have been struggling with this for 11+ years. It started when I was in HS and my boyfriend broke up with me, I was really sad and heartbroken. I was thinking about it a lot. I started to get annoyed that I was still sad and just wanted to move on. I was tired of thinking of it and being sad. On my way to school one day I was thinking about it and thought “oh well, I still have my friends, family and I have good grades.” I noticed that made me feel better. Then it was like something clicked in my brain. I thought, “wow, I just responded with a more positive thought and felt better.” I had struggled with social anxiety before this and always wanted to be confident and outgoing. So my next thought was “wow this must be how people are so confident and outgoing, they just think positive thoughts all the time and feel good.” Then I went to college and it started as maybe one thought in the morning like “ok I’m going to have a good day” and quickly spiraled into me trying to have positive thoughts all the time. I graduated and sought counseling and I don’t repeat positive thoughts anymore but ever since have struggled with the relationship with my thoughts. I am very fixated on whether we can control them or not. I feel in college I was trying to control them and we can’t. I also read Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts by Sally Winston and in it is says we can’t. I seem to know that we can’t control them but then I struggle with well what DO we control. My therapist said “you can’t control your thoughts, you can’t control your feelings, but you can control your response” and I see that a lot on here too. However, I obsess over the meaning of “response.” What does that MEAN?! It seems to indicate that we can control SOME thoughts… which then confuses me. I have been out of work for weeks now likely obsessing and ruminating trying to understand this. I get so confused. If we control our response that seems to indicate that we can control some thoughts… but if I think I can control my thoughts at all it’s bad for me. I can’t be thinking that. It doesn’t help. It seems like I have to accept that we cannot control our thoughts and feelings at all… that’s the only way I find peace, get anything done or sleep at night. But that leaves me with the maddening question of WHAT DO WE CONTROL. How do we navigate our days and lives if we don’t control our thoughts. I just don’t get it. We can focus on certain things if we decide to…. But that’s not controlling thoughts I guess? I have debated if we are in control of our ATTENTION but even our attention gets hijacked and if I believe we are in control of it, or anything, I try too hard to control what’s going on up there and end up anxious and not able to sleep. I’m also a therapist so I question… if we can’t control our thoughts… what are we trying to accomplish in therapy? What do we do all day every day as we navigate thoughts and life? We are obviously in control of SOMETHING, but what?! This is driving me crazy… I’m driving myself crazy. But I truly feel I can’t let this go until I understand it. It seems important to understand, both as a human and a therapist! Like what is it that we’re doing here? WHAT, exactly, are we controlling? Ugh.

I’m feeling a bit more positive this evening. I was wondering if anyone has recovered from these themes and now leads a relatively normal life? I’d love to hear a success story!

I’ve been dealing with ROCD since February and I’ve been going to therapy and taking Luvox and it’s not as bad as before. However I’m still dealing with this problem that every time I think of my partner in a good light, I get a headache or sometimes if I just think of them in general. Has anyone experienced this with ROCD or with other themes?

my theme is about the loss of my deepest passions and joys. I've had every other theme of OCD and this one? is the absolute worst. I've gone to the hospital multiple times having rolling panic attacks over it. i don't care anymore that it doesn't sound as "bad" as other kinds of themes. I've had them. this is the worst one to me. a life without my passions is barely living

The guilt is too much, I made ‘mistakes’ with females before and now that one night is sticking out in my head that I done something so awful to a female (think worst case scenario) when I was walking home intoxicated, I’ve struggled with it for over a year and nothings helping . Please help

So last night, I was about 5-6 shots in and had a complete episode. My boyfriend was trying to break up with me (valid reason) and I got irate. I don’t remember much but he says we started arguing over the fact, I got up like I could fight him, punched him in the face and started screaming “I hate you” “Get tf away” “Leave already” and once even said “Kys”. He walked away and left to talk to my parents I guess. I locked the door behind him, crawled onto the bunk bed inside of my camper. We have a tank that holds our mouse, Jimmy Beast. My guilt had boiled over. I couldn’t take it anymore. I completely acted out all of my intrusive thoughts in that moment. I started punching the tank. I continued driving my fist into the glass until after it shattered, took the glass, and did something I haven’t done in over a year. At this point, I was screaming, crying, shaking, banging my head on the wall. During the midst of it I thought he was yelling back at me. I imagined him physically yelling at me from behind the door, but his voice soften and shook me. I just sat there in shock. “Baby please let me in.” I got up and staggered to the door. Unlocked it. His eyes met mine and welded with tears. “We’ll get you the help you need, okay? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!” And then I confessed everything on my mind. This morning has been a rough one, trying to recall what’s happened and feel comfortable in my own skin when I feel like everyone thinks I’m insane.

I am obsessing over him still. He is in my thoughts continually. We had a beautiful relationship online. We video calls all the time. He would take me on walks with him from work. He would call me from work video chat when he could. His love voice so pure. I really believe it is a true love. He is far away for me in distance. We can’t ever be together. It just couldn’t work. We told ourselves that it didn’t matter. That the love with out for each other was enough. He came to a point where he told me that he wanted me to find to love here. That he couldn’t be with me all the time, to be there for me he said that I needed someone to hold me and to care for me. He asked me to please find someone and be happy in my life. He said he needed my happiness. Of course my heart was shattered, I couldn’t except it. I tried to tell him I didn’t want anyone else that I just wanted him I begged and pleaded. He finally got a little harsh, and I don’t blame him because I couldn’t accept it. He kept asking me to please accept reality and find someone there close to me. I kept praying for God’s grace to help me through this. You see I truly love him. I finally said goodbye to him, but what I don’t understand is two days later he messaged me and said. Good morning sweetheart. I love you. I messaged the same back to him. I was so happy to hear from him I was just shaking. The next day he told me that he was working night shift and he said I love you sweetheart. Yeah, I asked him how he was doing and that I hope he was well. I don’t understand, but he did not respond. My husband had Alzheimer’s for the last four years. He did not know me. I got very lonely. I needed someone to love me and needed someone to give my love to. We had a beautiful relationship. My husband and I he was my everything. I love him with all my heart. He passed six weeks ago. It is hard for me to understand with loving my husband so much that I can be in love with this other gentleman so deeply but I did fall for him. I keep giving it to God but I keep taking it back, I am in so much pain, it hurts so bad. If this gentleman really wants me to find someone here to love me, I don’t understand his recent messages. I am just miserable. I just don’t know how to go on without my husband, and without this gentleman My heart aches and it hurts so bad. I want to thank everyone for listening to me. You are very kind. Only by the grace of God can I get through this. This gentleman also says that he will always love me and he will always be with me. But that he needs for me to find happiness here. If anyone out there, can you help me understand this whole thing, I would be so appreciative. Thank you from the bottom of my heart again.

I wake up anxious everyday to the point when it makes me gag. As the day goes on I can kinda pull myself out of it a little but it’s still there? Any tips??

I was better for a while. Always have the thoughts of breaking up, but today is more intense i cant stop crying, and my anxiety is higher. Im so scared i dont want to break up, but then another thought comes up of me not seeing a future with him and it makes me doubt everything. HELP

Do you remember how you felt about your days before OCD? Before everything was difficult because of OCD? I remembered how carefree and cheerful I was towards my days and I don't really get that anymore. I'm content, but I know I could be happier. I could have more confidence and self esteem in myself. I just don't feel like that anymore. It's always less than that. Not having a lot of self esteem and constantly remembering my regrets and shame doesn't really help. It makes me not want to pursue much. Some days I can, but other days not. Physical symptoms are also not great either.

So last week I posted that I was a bit worried that my therapist had made me do something related to ERP, and I said I wasn't ready. I'd called it CBT because I didn't know any better. I thought it must be my mistake, I was mixed up. I had people correcting me because I called it CBT. I completely got them mixed up but thats not my fault. My therapist explicitly asked and confronted me several times using the term CBT over the course of a 2 week period. First was when I officially got diagnosed with OCD, the next week, she said, again, I'm going to do CBT with you. I am NOT READY for ERP. !!! I have *severe* anxiety that needs to be addressed before I try exposure. I felt guilty making the ERP/CBT mistake on THIS APP but its Not My Fault. And you guys were very kind to me in correcting me, so thank you for that. You made me see what was really going on. My friend told me I should seek a new therapist because this big of a mistake has set me back and made me hesitant to go back or see progression in my mental health with this therapist. But it took me So Long to reach out for help, and looking for a therapist & starting new is always rough. :(

Does anybody have tips or resources for real event OCD? I feel like I’m stuck ruminating and every time I make the situation worse.

How can I know the difference between my real thoughts and OCD thoughts?

Ok so this might be a long one, I didn’t realize I had OCD until recently and when I found out it was such a weight off my chest! I’ve struggled with this since I was a child I used go to constantly wash my hands to the point that they were dry and cracked and had a fear of touching certain things like bleach and still do but not a much but my nan was in the garden and I went out in a panic because I touched a bleach bottle and thought I was going to die and she had compost on her gloves and rubbed it all over her face and was like do you think I’ll die now? After that it snapped me out of it but then it changed to something else, I was playing a game boy a lot and my mam told me to stop playing it so much or it would have my brain buzzing and one night when I was randomly playing it I started to panic and imagined a game boy in my brain and I had severe anxiety and didn’t even know what it was, all I could tell my mam was that I feel nervous all the time! Eventually that stopped too and when I got to around 14/15 I had a dream my friend who is a girl tried to kiss me and woke up in instant panic! All of a sudden I kept having thoughts of being a lesbian when I knew I wasn’t and have always liked boys! I’ve always wanted boys attention I’ve never felt attracted to girls ever! This effected me for months and the anxiety was so bad I could barely eat and sleep and getting up in the morning to go straight to the bathroom to get sick the anxiety was taking over totally and the thoughts never stopped. I was constantly repeating sentences in my head over and over like I know I’m a girl and I know I like boys for reassurance. I couldn’t look at any girl without feeling panic. I looked in the mirror and didn’t feel real, it was so bad I used to cry and think about ending my life and it would make me feel better but I didn’t want to hurt my family, I spoke to them and told them how I was feeling and eventually this stopped to a certain extent. Now I’m older and all of a sudden these thoughts have come back again. It’s so bad I could be in bed with my boyfriend and feel like I’m lying to him but I’m not I know I love him more than anything and I think about the time we first met and how excited I was and how happy I was and I want to feel like that again. Some days are better than others ❤️ when it’s so bad I lie in bed and can’t sleep I’m afraid I’ll dream of the intrusive thoughts I have in certain scenarios. I used to think there was something wrong with me and if I told people what I was thinking they would think I’m a freak and still do. Im glad I’ve found an app where there’s other people that go through the same thing I go through. I hope I can eventually get over this and be happy and not let these thoughts affect me!

Hi, new here to NOCD 👋🏼 I have struggled with what I now know as somatic OCD for the last 3 1/2 years, when it comes to breathing & taking deep breaths. I have noticed that I spend 98% of my day, thinking about it & paying attention to it. I know it’s a normal bodily function but I get the urge to take deep breaths every couple of mins. When I don’t get “a full deep breath”, it sends me into a panic & the intrusive thoughts start.. “what if I never get a deep breath again” “there is nothing I can do to make myself get that full deep breath” “if I don’t get a deep breath, you must not be able to breathe” - sometimes these thoughts & moments totally take over & I find myself spiraling. I feel like all my walls are closing in & my heart starts racing. The panic usually lasts a couple of mins if that but it feels like forever. I’m much better at handling and working through it now than I was 3 years ago, but I still have bad moments & sometimes bad days. At times, I’m able to talk myself through it & I don’t let it take over but other times, it feels uncontrollable. NOCD has been helpful so far, it’s comforting knowing I’m not alone. I’m just wondering if anyone else deals with this type of OCD? Have you found anything to be helpful to deal with it? Thanks in advance.

I’m honestly losing😞 soocd is so hard to fight I’m getting new battles everyday. Pls can someone tell me if this gets better and that it doesn’t prove my sexual orientation 😞. Sexual orientation does not change why would mine change all of a sudden. It makes me question myself and less confidence now. I hate it sm