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This ocd makes me feel like l don’t own any morals or values that l have always stood by and it makes me feel lost and confused

I'm aro/ace! I just wanted to know if there was anyone else who was the same sexual orientation or if they've dealt with SO-OCD? I've been quite comfortable with this sexual orientation, but I will be putting a trigger warning as I don't wish to accidently trigger anyone due to this post

Harm OCD for 30 years, Borderline Personality Disorder my entire life , major depression and caregiver burnout with harm intrusive thoughts. And an existential crisis. No way out. Feeling trapped. I have never had a goal in life. Never had any direction. At age 19 when harm OCD hit I was merely trying to keep my head above water. I didn't have the luxury of pursuing my dreams. In 2015 I broke my back. I haven't worked since 2013, despite applying for 700 jobs since then. My OCD and BPD won't let me have a gf as i don't trust women and I'm afraid to be vulnerable. My 24 year old cousin called me fat and lazy, and I know she got it from her parents who are my age. I have no money, I live at home, no car, no girl, no children, no career, no legacy. I am a ghost to most people. And on top of that I have to take care of the person I'm having harm OCD about. This is not fair. Before harm OCD I never thought of hurting anyone. Before my moms death in 2008 I could control my anger. Before the last couple of years despite it all I always had some sort of hope, but now I have nothing but a feeling that everything is meaningless. Looking back I feel that my worrying all the time about things like my parents fighting or dad drinking or mom staying out late at work with her new male friend....or worrying about world events...it was all selfish. I didn't care about others I just worried about myself. So I am evil, selfish, a failure. I'm 48 and I feel 80. I'm tired of this shit.

Ok so before my girlfriend and I were official and this was the very beginning where we started getting feelings for each other this random lady messaged me and said I was cute and I thought it was weird because I was like 16 at the time and she was like 30isj and I just said thank you and idk I guess I liked the attention and wanted to make my current girlfriend jealous because I honestly had issues with toxicity back then(yeah I know I shouldn’t have done that). However, I entertained the conversation a little bit it wasn’t anything flirty she was just asking me if I have any piercings. and she sent me a randomly sent me a picture of her nipple piercings, and I already told my girlfriend about this when it happened and she got a little annoyed at the woman but she got over it pretty fast. and now 3 years later I’m obsessing about it again. I told my girlfriend about it again because when I clicked on the picture she sent I had a feeling I knew what it was. I’m kicking myself for still opening it but my girlfriend is like “it’s not like you asked for it or anything anyways” and I didn’t of course, however I’m randomly thinking what if I was trying to get her to send that. And I asked her if I did ask for it, would that have been cheating since this was before we were together. And she said no. However I’m scared if I actually did it would be a different story. She obviously doesn’t want to hear about this anymore so I’m not gonna talk about it anymore. Can I have some help though?

Suffer from Harm OCD (fear of stabbing a loved one mainly) and used to love horror movies, but now I'm pretty terrified of watching them because I fear I'll trigger my intrusive thoughts even more. Anyone have experience with this? Advice?

Hey, I need a space to get my thoughts out, this is going to be pretty long so please bear with me. I’ve been friends with my two best friends for almost 5 years now. We mostly talk remotely, and we meet usually once a year. We’ve been through everything together and we literally grew together to become better individuals. We go to each other and rant/vent about everything that happens in our lives. We would voice call, watch things together, and chat almost daily. As of recently, the two of them started dating and one of them said to me “Oh I totally forgot to tell you but we’re dating again teehee” which really set me off with the tone I read it in. I could tell this was a full out lie in my face. It had me thinking: “How could they forget to tell me something so important when we go to each other about everything?” And this wasn’t the first time they dated each other. The first time I was fine with it because we weren’t as close as we were now— back in 2020. I was fine with them flirting in front of me back when I was 16-17. One of them even came to me about how they were interesting in dating the other friend again, so I hyped them up, but in my brain I was thinking.. *believing* it wasn’t going to happen again and I didn’t realize that. It hates change so much, and it took me awhile to acknowledge that in this situation. All three of us haven’t called or watched something together in awhile. What hurts so much is the fact that they have their own private space without me, and they’ve been chatting in there and gushing about each other on their stories without me. I’m jealous of what they have and I don’t have with them: that emotional connection that I thought all three of us shared. I thought after a month I moved past it and I could deal with them being affectionate where I could see it, but whenever they talk about each other I get set off and start crying. I feel like such a horrible person. And I cant even talk to them about these feelings because I care about them so much, and I’m not going to be the one to ruin anything. My mom told me that I should just “be happy for them” which even made me more upset because that was something I can’t do and I feel absolutely awful. Yes, I’m happy for them, but part of me got so attached and I put my happiness in those two people. They kept me stable. And now that’s gone, because they’ve been hanging out just the two of them and it makes me feel like I was never enough for them. It hurts so much— I feel like I’m being abandoned. I was playing a game with one of them last night, and then they say “[other person] says hi” which really made me upset. I thought I was finally being paid attention to and I got to spend more quality time together. It made me think that they were in their own call and were talking, me excluded of course. I had a whole meltdown in result of that, and thankfully I had enough control to suppress it until we got off the game so that they wouldn’t suspect anything. It just hurts to see them gushing about each other. I never had that friend or partner or anything. They even lead me on to believe that we all shared a sister-like relationship prior to dating. I hate being lead on to believe something that’s no longer true. I’ve always been the third wheel. I never mattered to them. I believe that my discomfort is related to an incident I had back in July. One of them asked me to go to a convention with them because they happened to have no one to go with. We drove all the way to Florida from South Carolina, my dad and brother went, too. I felt extremely unappreciated for coming all that way by both my friend, her sister, and her sister’s friend. Before the convention, I went to three Disney/Universal parks and was extremely exhausted, both mentally and physically. On the first day of the convention, we all went to a concert together, and I made a comment “I’m not sure if I should shower or not”, and I didn’t really put a lot of thought into it. I said that mainly because I was exhausted and since I showered a few days before. I have a hard time getting in the shower. What I forgot in that moment was that her sister had OCD, and she was a germaphobe. She’s a tattoo artist and did my first tattoo. Fast forward to Saturday, I was having an incident while getting into cosplay and made everyone late since we were all carpooling together. I tried so hard to remember everything, but I forgot the most important thing: deodorant. We had to walk for 15 minutes to get into the convention center, and me, like a dumbass, forgot to take my meds which had been treating my chronic pain from the hours of walking in the parks. I got left behind by everyone because I was walking so slow. And the pain in my ankles became so unbearable that I had to stop. I got extremely overstimulated from the heat, so as soon as I got to the convention I sat down to try and calm down. I was pushing so hard for the sake of everyone else. Thankfully, the convention center had a quiet room that I went to alone, but I felt rushed to feel better when my friend came back. So I had to brush off my emotions and continue the day. I was finally able to walk around without any pain as soon as my meds kicked in, but I was still upset. When I get home after the weekend was over, I got a long text from my friend after she asked if she could discuss with me what happened. She told me how she could smell my odor, and how everyone could in the room and car that they had to step out and NO ONE told me this. Then she said “I don’t know how my sister is going to feel about future tattoos” so she asked. Then she basically told me how her sister wasn’t comfortable with me anymore. And what bothers me so much is that her sister didn’t even bother to reach out to me to tell me this to my face. I just feel like after this incident my friend hates me now, and now she’s been hanging out with my other friend more since they’re dating now. Okay, I’m gonna stop here and try to calm down. Sorry if anything here was worded messily, I’m not too good at expressing my emotions. If you took the time to read this, thank you ever so much

I’ve put off taking medication for a long time; and I just started sertraline. Can anyone give me some positive reports whose tried it before? I’m scared.

Let's hear it!

Does anyone have a fear of snapping? Like losing their mind, hurting someone etc. Ig just losing control?

Does it happen when you are in the midst of an OCD spike eating becomes very challenging and food doesn’t seem appealing anymore, what can I do to to fix it ?

Well today was a typical Thursday for me. Working both jobs from morning to night. As I'm walking out to my car to head to my other job, I notice this man across the street. He was standing near this step where I've seen this girl sitting from time to time. I've already assumed this girl is underage because I just associate people sitting outside their door with kids who are underage. So as I'm walking to my car, opening my door, BAM! I am hit with an intrusive thought, where "what if that girl was there and you said whatever and went up to talk to her anyways." When I tell you I froze, I literally froze up. My one leg was in the door, one arm still on the door.. what happened in a split second felt like forever. I could sense my mind preparing to start ruminating, "what if this, or what if that?", and feeling the need to confess. Idk how else but God helped me into my car to head to my work and do my job. What I want you all to see is I kept going with my day. To be honest, I wanted to ruminate and panic. I wanted to hide and seek reassurance. We've all been taught, or hear that we have to learn to sit with that uncomfortability. I remembered that the practice of not ruminating should feel effortless. Not easy to resist but shouldn't require a tin of effort to stop ruminating. Like being told to stop solving a math problem. We wouldn't question it, we'd just agree and move on. So I remembered that as I was on my way to work. I did my best to not direct attention towards it, or away from it. I just went to work and did my job. I can still feel the intrusive thought from this evening lingering in the back of my mind but I'm deciding to do anything else BUT get back on that "treadmill" (going back to ruminating). Matter fact, when I got Home, I decided to go to the gym. Now after showering and prayer, I am here. I ramble on a lot but my whole point is that WE can continue on with our days despite a "barricade" popping up out of nowhere. This metaphor just came to mind, so it may not make any sense but think of road construction that you don't see till last minute. We don't just sit there till the work is completed? No, we follow the detour to continue to where we were heading. Not letting that random construction prevent us from going to do what we want. Guys, I cannot lie and make it seem like this is all easy and I never struggle. To be transparent I hate my OCD. I'll spare the very expletive words I gave for the OCD but I'm sure you can relate lol. It's hard to not let the OCD consume you and to not let it paint you as the monster it tries to portray you as. I have to remind myself constantly to stop playing "tug-of-war" with the OCD trying to tell the OCD I'm not a pedophile, or whatever else it wants to make me think. But I catch myself when I notice I'm starting to slip into rumination and give into the "maybe I really am xyz.." Living a life with OCD is hard. The hardest thing I've ever had to encounter. I can promise that we can still enjoy our life. We can still laugh and enjoy the little things as long as we dig deep. Almost like when a bully is trying to be like, "your ears are like an elephant". Wanting us to get upset and freak out. Instead, we choose to laugh and go along with it. There's hope for us, guys. We are not alone here. In a way, I consider us all family because we all deal with the beast we call OCD. Let's enjoy the little things this weekend and all of time. Find something that makes you laugh. I'm talking where tears are coming out you're laughing so hard. Thank you for reading my novel😂. I tend to go overboard with typing and rambling...as you can see. Anyways, have a great weekend. 💚

I’m having a tough time falling asleep with my OCD thoughts. How do you all fall asleep with OCD thoughts and images? I close my eyes and try to fall asleep but unwanted pictures(mainly) and thoughts pop up. Even memories from the past. I used to dissect every part of the memory but I realized that it started to make me obsess over re analyzing it every time I had it. I’ve never done OCD therapy so idk how to stop this at night. If I lay down at let’s say 11 I won’t fall asleep till 3 just cuz I’m over analyzing and ruminating. And at that point I just get up and stay up till I am tired. I also have a lot of childhood trauma, ADHD(hyperactive), anxiety, & Tourette’s. Sometimes I can’t identify if it’s ADHD rumination, OCD, anxiety, trauma. I dread sleeping for these reasons. Any tips from anyone who has these problems? It would be appreciated a lot ty.

TW‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ So a about 6 years ago when I was 10 I had SOOCD really really bad and I had no idea what OCD was so I was so confused, it was triggered of when I was about 8 because a girl said she had a crush on me and then I was like ‘what if I like her back ‘ and then i remember finding an older girl pretty and thinking ‘what if i have a crush on her’ i remember feeling extremely stressed and anxious all the time and i was in a deep depression where i would cry every night and I didn’t tell my mum for about 3 years so I was struggling very bad for about 3 years and I would constantly ruminate and avoid the girl I thought was pretty and I would look at pictures of women to see if I was attracted to them and I would get groinal responses and all the other things you get with SOOCD,it was even worse aswell because it was mixed in with morality OCD where from the age of about 7 i would write down things I thought I did wrong on pieces of paper for hours so I could review them later because there was so much and I was so mentally exhausted,and I haven’t felt fully happy really ever if I’m being honest, i think I was happy until I was about 4 and then. That’s when it started but I can’t remember much before 4,harm OCD was also triggered when I was 7 and of course I was terrified I thought I was a psychopath I remember crying to my mum and saying what if I want to hurt people and she didn’t really know what it was back then,anyway I eventually told my mum and I said “what if I like girls”and I wrote it on a note and slid it under her door because I was to scared to say it and I would avoid saying the words gay and lesbian and bisexual and she told me there is nothing wrong with that and I shouldn’t be scared and she supported me but then she saw how it was taking over my life and I was in a constant cortisol soup everyday and I would cry every night and feel extremely anxious and did so many compulsions,anyway that theme lasted for about 4-5 years and only last year it disappeared because a new worse theme came along and I don’t know why but when SOOCD started there wasn’t a specific reason why I didn’t want to like girls all I knew is that I didn’t want to like girls but there was no reason all I know is that it distressed me but now today I’m not bothered and I think I might even be attracted to girls I don’t really know though but part of me still doesn’t want to but at the same time even if I was I wouldn’t really care much I even get moments where I think that’s exciting like It’s something new and exciting and I think I might of even had attraction to some girls but I don’t really know sometimes it feels fake I’m just confused 😭😭

So I tend to think about the fact that I may have ocd a lot. That alone is enough to give me major anxiety. I usually will try to talk to somebody about it when it makes me feel anxious. I’ve noticed though as soon as I try to talk about it, I forget most of the obsessions that I’ve had. Is that normal? It makes me feel like I’m crazy sometimes

I don’t know anymore why i don’t want it like i have no disgust anymore and i feel nothing towards it (sometimes even excitment) i dont know ehat my values and morals are aanymore and im scared i only faked them bcs of society , any help is appreciated

Hi everyone, I have finally worked up the courage to post here. Something about posting made it feel like someone was going to find out about my OCD and judge me. That is one of my fears “being found out” about what? Well, that changes… But hey, I DO have OCD and this is supposed to be my community! If anyone is going to get it and not judge it is going to be you! I have been making great progress since my diagnosis and am doing pretty well with higher doses of Fluoxetine (lucky to have minor side effects) and therapy. I was feeling great, having an awesome and productive day, and then WHAM! Out of seemingly nowhere I was triggered. I did my exercises to not avoid the trigger and so forth, but now my anxiety-linked body sensations are super high. Any healthy tips for calming yourself and reducing the residual physiological symptoms of a huge anxiety spike? I’m looking for tips that won’t lead me down my compulsion path so any advice is welcome!

I remember in my highschool years when i had my worse ocd attacks, it made me change really, and i just share this story cause i hear alot about ocd attacking your values but i didnt heard a story when ocd made someone actually lose their values and do the opposite. So back then i had good values, i believed in God and i tried to be a good person, but after time ocd attacked these values and i felt like im trying to be someone im not. Cause ocd told me "you just do that cause you want to be liked by others, you dont actually value these good things, you just want to show yourself like youre a good person" or with God "you dont really believe in Him you just do these things cause youre afraid of hell" so because my feelings was attacked by ocd too, it felt like thats the truth, i dont actually value good things. Back then i started writing music lyrics and i wanted to write things that are good and helpful, but then this thing started and i got angry when i thought about myself as a good person, so i started to think about bad things cause i thought if i dont feel like im a good person and thinking about it makes me angry, then maybe im a bad person, i just try to be liked by being a good person. So i started to write rap lyrics, listen music that are about bad things anf i tried to be like others. I accepted the world how it is and maybe its okay if im like that too. But deep down i felt that something isnt right. So then problems came and I thought the problem is that im afraid of doing these things and be myself so I actually worked to not be afraid of bad things. I felt the same with sex, i was 18-19 in highshool, you know that time everyone wants to sleep with girls or boys, and i felt that need to but whenever i thought about it i got hit by a feeling of shame and fear. So again i thought the problem is and i think sex is shameful and im afraid of it so i need to work on that. I was completely on a different path, I was soo blinded...and the whole time i thought im trying to be myself and i was angry why i cant have fun with girls, why i cant enjoy partying and drinking, why i cant be like others, its because of anxiety, i cant enjoy these things because of anxiety... and it gave me so much struggle cause no mather what i did i felt so bad. And whenever i thought about me being a good person I was angry and i denied it cause ocd made me believe that i was lying to myself when i was a good person, and i felt shame, so i thought that maybe im depressed cause i feel shame about myself...Thats why i felt like i need to share this cause i never heard about anyone who got blinded by ocd this much... After 2-3 years of suffering, God helped me with sending the right people to me, and then i recognized i believed ocd that im a bad person... i thought the bad feelings are anxiety and i tried to lose these bad feelings about the sinful things(which is so crazy to think about). Now i feel waaay better, just today i was hit by this "you just do good things cause youre afraid of christians judging you that you dont live a life how a christian should live" and for a second i believed it but then i knew its just ocd... If someone can share a similar story about ocd making them be a different person i would be happy, cause i never heard someonr actually changing and working on to like bad things like i did. If youre in the same situation then im glad that i couldve helped you to realize youre on the wrong path and youve been fooled by ocd.

Finally, sexual orientation OCD has ruined my life. I’m fucking tired, really tired and I have been doing my erp exercises but it gets triggering every time I do it and I don’t know what to do about it. I always like boys and I always will but my sexual orientation fuck in OCD ruined it all all my life is ruined because of this shit I am not asking for reassurance, it’s getting harder and harder if I don’t do my erp exercises I am getting worse if I do do my exercises I’m getting even more worse and I fucking don’t know what to do about it. I’m tired of my OCD. Nobody wants to be my friend because of my OCD. Nobody even likes me not even a boy. I made a profile on a fucking dating app after reading my bio everyone just runs away thinking that I am a mad woman sometime honestly, I feel like giving up, but I won’t give up that easily, because I have a family that supports me even now while I’m writing this the OCD is playing with me and I do not know what to do. It’s getting harder and harder to cope PS I’m not thinking of doing anything to myself. I just wanted to get my thoughts out my urges it’s driving me crazy the images are forming in my head are driving me crazy

Is researching ocd therapies and mental health constantly a compulsion? Even though I have always enjoyed learning about psychology and reading articles on mental illnesses or relationships and attachment theory. And I now have a wealth of knowledge of how to combat ocd... looking for hope for a cure or some relief. Is holding onto hope a secret compulsion?

I’ve been feeling very horrible lately. I think I may be experiencing POCD. This all started like a year ago. So, I have a niece who I adore so much. We spent so much time together when she was born because her mother had to work at night and I had to watch her and sleep with her. Everything was good until one day she was crying and didn’t want to sleep so I rubbed her arm because thats what helped her calm down. Then I realized I felt a groinal response and I tried to ignore it but I was scared cuz I didn’t know what it meant. Everyday I kept wondering why i felt that. I know that I wasn’t attracted to a baby. I love her and would never see her in that way. So I just ignored it. But then I had a dream about my niece kissing me on my lips and in the dream I was turned on (i feel so disgusting saying this😔). So when I woke up I felt disgusted in myself. Every since i’ve been forced to be around her cuz i still take care of her but I still get unwanted groinal response when she sits on my lap or when I have to rub her arm to make her fall asleep. I’m so disgusted and I feel so ashamed when i see her or anything that reminds me of her…. I love her so much but I want all this to go away.