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There are so many compulsions that involve google! Namely googling for reassurance or certainty. ❤️

Tw please don’t read if in bad headspace I’ve been trying to sit with the thoughts and not argue with them but it just feels real at this point, the thoughts don’t even feel intrusive anymore like they feel like I’m just making them because I want to. I don’t want to be a p. I’ve never wanted to have anything to do with children at all but every thought I have is based around this now. I wish children didn’t exist at this point. I just want to be normal and feel attracted to the people I was attracted to before all this bs began. I’m going to kill myself eventually. P’s shouldn’t exist, anyone who has the intent to hurt children shouldn’t be alive. I’ve only ever wanted to be with people my age why has this happened to me. I’m disgusting and I’m a disappointment to my family. I don’t think I even have ocd anymore it just feels real, I just want to be who I was a few months ago, I don’t deserve my friends or my family because my thoughts are so disgusting. I’m being selfish by not killing myself, it was ocd a few months ago but now I can’t even tell if I’m doing compulsions or have compulsions, this can’t be real I don’t like children I don’t want to be like this. I don’t own my brain or my body anymore, I can’t just allow my thoughts to happen if they’re actually true. People tell me that it’s fine to have thoughts like this because I don’t want them and I don’t want to act on them but even the idea of me being that is revolting. I feel like the scum of the earth, why has my life turned out this way. I’m not attracted to anyone that isn’t appropriate so why does my brain say that I am. It feels so real I’ve reached out to so many people but nobody is able to help and I don’t want to tell them what’s going on in my brain, It’s truly the end for me. I’ve phoned every hotline available and have talked to so many doctors but I’m just disgusting, I would never want to hurt anyone I can’t believe this has happened to me I’m so sorry I’m so sad I can’t deal with the thoughts anymore

I’ve read something referencing conditioning neural pathways. This is where your strengthening, the neural network of what you are thinking about. Am I right in saying the more you ruminate about your past for any mistakes or wrongdoings, you are making your brain come up with more negative thought/images? Meaning your mind will give you real strong feelings, and even thoughts that are not true to fit its narrative? Basically, you’re making yourself come up with thoughts/images in general. They are not real, but they are to you because of the fear and constant thinking, and even mentioning from an outside source.

I have recently found this group and it has been so validating knowing i’m not alone. I experience OCD in my romantic relationships. I have found someone who is everything I want in a partner yet still drown myself in doubts. When I am with them it feels so right yet I get my head thinking “am i even attracted to them” “is this really my person” and then it feels like I should just avoid dating in general because the anxiety of my own thoughts drive me crazy. Im not even sure if I actually have OCD but reading on it made me cry because it described everything I feel. I was on the phone with a friend telling them how I think I may have ROCD and they told me i just haven’t found the right person yet. This drove me even more into the ground because I feel like no one can see what’s happening in my head and it’s so frustrating trying to explain it. When my friend said that it made me spiral again and has been all I can think about. I am struggling to know what thoughts are real or intrusive. Does anyone have any advice or can relate to this? I am going to start therapy to see if I can get a diagnosis but it feels like if I don’t have this I will be so lost. My brain hurts

I know I have to be kind to myself, i just write this down so i can vent cause its frustrating. For half a year of working on ocd recovery and now im back feeling the same, reacting with fear to every thought, every emotion i feel, and i want them to go away, i cant do anything while they are there, and the worse is that i know what i have to do, i need to ignore them, but somehow i cant do it...even that i did it in this half year alot of times... I get desperate and im afraid of thoughts, emotions and becoming depressed, I get frustrated over this, and while i want to focus on my life, I cant enjoy it cause all of this takes away the enjoyment so then i start to rumminate about do i really love these things i do... I had the same reactions before when i didnt know anything about ocd and its a crap feeling that i learned so much things yet i got back here...And i feel stucked... The emotions scaring me and im afraid of these emotions cause if i let them out i will feel depressed and then thats triggers my suicidal ocd and being already tired mentally, its not a good place to get hit by suicidal ocd... i will believe again that im in danger. I know its the fear of falling back and not recovering but if i expose myself to that and say maybe i will not recover then decide to live my life, i start to worry so much to a place where i cant control it and i go to rummination and do everything that just makes me feel worse... its dissapointing... the only thing I can do is to wait and do what i can then i will se where i did something wrong so then i change it. This helped before,but sometimes youre tired of always waiting

I posted on here before about a man who had been emotionally abusing me, I stood up to him and brought up the things that bothered me and he said “I don’t know what you’re talking about, did we have this conversation on the phone? Well you know I can only use what YOU tell me right??” And then talked over me the rest of the conversation. I got up, held my head up high and walked out despite there being tears rolling down my face. I cried silently, and made sure no one ESPECIALLY him saw it. I didn’t want to give him that power. We had other people in the room to help with the conversation, and most of them laughed and said “well she IS growing you know” as if this was nothing more than a teenage girl throwing a tantrum. He had been talked to about it before, and he came and apologized to me and backed off which at first I assumed he was actually sorry. However I overheard him yelling to his group of people saying “I’ve had trouble ever since I’ve been here! I had to apologize and take the blame for something I knew wasn’t my fault! Do you know how hard that is?? I didn’t even do anything wrong!” (He was referring to being reprimanded for the things he was saying to me, and this also comes after i set a boundary with him.) then during the conversation he said “I’ll take the blame I’ll apologize I’ll do this and that even though I didn’t do anything.” Which just confirmed that the apology he had given me was fake, because he never saw a problem with his behavior in the first place. I tried to speak up and advocate for myself, I even put it gently as to not make him think I was attacking him, and it still was my fault on everything. Now I’ve been wondering if I’m really the one who’s the problem, this isn’t a new thing either. For months ever since I met him I’ve been wondering if I’m a narcissist, and my OCD likes to replay that argument and make me wonder if he really was the innocent one and I was the one wrong. He’s admitted to talking to other people that I know, and said that they all thing I’m weak and not capable of something. When I brought that up, he said “I was trying to push you to be the best you can be, but clearly you’re not ready for that.” I just don’t know anymore. I’m so close to just slamming the door on not only him but also the rest of the people who side with him. Can anyone tell me what’s going on? Im not looking for reassurance, I would just like someone who maybe understands why he would do these things. He’s way older than me, I’m 17.

I dont know what to do anymore i feel like my parents and grandparents hate me or find me exhausting i just dont know what to do anymore i have a little sister and i always avoid her and it anonys my parents and grandparents but i cant help it its my natural reaction i feel like this is all my fault i wish i just didn't live anymore.

Hey guys. Looking for my ROCD peeps who have struggled with fixating on past arguments and constantly feeling the need to open that can of worms again and figure it out. Or fixating on your partners flaws. How did you do it?

i hate myself so much and i wish i was different. i know why people don't like me. i wish i could just change everything about myself. i should just leave everyone alone.

PLEASE HELP Since this one night I’ve genuinely felt awful, wake up everyday not wanting to be here unless I find out what happened that night, I feel so guilty of doing it. Basically I walked home drunk and scared of what I’ve done to a female in a male myself, I was intoxicated and am so scared that I flipped out. Because I was a university student at the time I was drinking a lot previously to this and made a few ‘mistakes’ with females prior to this night but having spoken to my housemate a few days before the night about these ‘mistakes’ that made me feel awful, he reassured me and said that it was not as bad as I felt or thought and was part of growing up kinda. I felt awful and then this night happened ever since I’m scared of what I’ve done and because I was intoxicated I don’t know what’s true or not, if I was to be under oath I wouldn’t know what to say. Please help or direct me what to do next I’m so scared.

Hi! I have really bad health ocd. I had joint pains for 2 years I looked up on google and it says its lupus. I got my ANA test done it came out negative but my mind tells me that the lab results are false. I got another symptom of that disease also I am terrified. The doctors did blood test and WBC and pcr were a bit higher. I don't know what to do . I know diagnosing oneself from google is a ridicilous thing but I have read stories where people have diagnose themselves correctly. Does anyone think that my thoughts are correct.

Anyone find that their medication is making you worse or keeping you sick?. I've been on SSRI's for almost 5 years now since my first mental breakdown. I haven't ever shown improvement in 5 years, just gotten worse and i feel more stressed each morning after taking my SSRI. I'm also taking an anti-psychotic. I'm sick and tired of the doctors going take this or take that, or stop taking that one and take this one instead. I feel like a human lab rat sometimes, I've developed stomach gastritis as a result of taking all this medication long term. I'm not saying that medication doesn't help people because some people it does, but it's never done anything for me and i feel like it's stopping my bodies natural healing processes.

I have been ruminating on a thought about weather i cheated on a night out when i was drunk, i woke up on the morning and i had a thought/image of me kissing somebody in the club after thinking of what might i have done while drunk, this person in the thought has no face and no body just a little movie of me going into kiss someone, and doing such a thing while my girlfriend and her friends were in the club and its just so out of character for me as i obsess about cheating OCD all the time and worry if i ever do something immoral to our relationship all the time and i love my girlfriend very much. Ive just got to the point where i dont know how i could think up a false memory so quickly after the event and i dont know why i had the thought without even thinking about it really, which makes me think of it as more of a memory than a thought that i am believing to be true as how can OCD make me think of something so quickly and randomly? Im very close to letting this take control of me as im loosing more and more faith in myself as the days go on, please anyone that has gone through anything like this or have a similar experience could u let me know of your experiences because i feel like the only one

I finally got a virtual appointment with a psychiatrist and spent an hour on an appointment for her to tell me that she won’t give me meds to try which would be my first time trying meds to help with my OCD. It was a big step for me and she told me I would need to drive into a doctors office everyday to get meds. I also have a gut disease and Cant do that plus it’s just kind of nuts to expect someone to not have a job life or be able to put there life on hold like that. And my OCD is so bad it’s like all I am doing is compulsions. I feel so depressed. I sleep slot or not much there is no happy medium. I wish I Dont wake up every time I do and trying to fall asleep is a nightmare. Full of compulsions and just one more thing I need to do before I can just go to sleep. I Dont know what to do. This is also my first post here.

I’m new to this app but wanted to just get it out there. I have ocd that comes out as obsessing that I have some unknown disease or cancer that is killing me. It gets really bad before I travel and causes me heart palpitations. Before I travel I’m convinced I’m going to die on the trip so then I start having heart palpitations which leads me to think I’ve got some rare heart cancer. It’s a weird circle. I’ve had an echo so I know there’s nothing wrong with my heart but my brain doesn’t care. This worry extends to my kids where I constantly think something bad is going to happen to them. It got 10x worse after my stepdad died in a motorcycle accident a few years ago then my mom and brother had cancer. It seemed to have solidified that death is going to happen so no self talk is working. It’s exhausting.

I've recently fallen into an ocd trap (which I've overcome before) of obsessing over my heart health. Recently I've been so so so aware of random small pains in my jaws or arms that I spiral into being frozen with obsessive thoughts and internal checking compulsions. Any possible sign of heart attacks or coronary artery diseases(which I know every single one), I'm checking for, and often feel like I find. I was just in the er in May thinking I was having a heart attack and I had all the regular er tests for that plus thorough blood testing for cardiac damage markers, which everything checked out healthy. I'm right back at this point at wanting to run to the er, it's that bad. This is stemming from some jaw pain I've recently developed. I have an exposed nerve in a broken tooth on that side as well. Anyway, how do you get past something like this? I really need help. I'm supposed to start emdr therapy with my therapist in a week or two. I'm literally scared I'm dying and ignoring a health issue.

I have moments of relief but other moments of extreme anxiety, stress and heart raising. I’m really tired of worrying about “what ifs” like I’m scared I’ll give up and be locked in a loony bin or in prison. existential OCD and constantly worrying about what’s real and what’s now, or who is and who isn’t is exhausting and scary. I’ve dealt with this in the past but it doesn’t make this round any lighter. Like sick and tired of not essentially knowing what to believe, combine it with dpdr it’s really tiring and physically exhausting Anyone going/went through this and have any tips or in-site. Open ears, I just wanna go back to how I was before these intrusive thoughts didn’t come up again. Would therapy or medication help and what can I do to help it.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I go to two therapists, I try all I can to get better but the feelings of intense guilt, failure, shame, non deserving of good things, just don’t go away. I’m in a tough spot in my relationship, taking a break for a few weeks. My partner doesn’t want to give up on us, she is an angel. The kindest person I have ever met. So understanding even though I drag her through all my nonsense. I want to leave so that she is free to find someone better, someone that can commit to her fully and give her the love she deserves, and at the same time, I can’t let her go. I am crying all day everyday, I can’t work, I can’t function. I am vomiting, I lay in bed all day. I have been doubting this relationship since the very beginning even though she is the sweetest person I’ve been with, that actually showed me grace and love. Despite her issues with major depression, she has sacrificed much of her time to help me. And yet, I have been a terrible person to her - avoidant, aloof, thinking I’d be happier with someone else, fantasizing about other women. One night I went out to drink by myself to help calm the intrusive thoughts. But then an attractive girl started talking to me and I felt excited about it, like I could cheat on my partner or leave her for this girl. Her and a male friend went to go outside to smoke a cigarette and I asked them for one, but I am not 100% sure if the motive was to hit on that girl, or simply because I just wanted a cigarette. I don’t remember saying and flirty things to her, but there was a point we had eye contact and she smiled. She also has a boyfriend herself so I doubt she would have reciprocated anything, but it’s the fact that I felt I had the intention to flirt and to cheat. Then, I went to another bar. I bought the bartender a shot as a trade for a cigarette (I didn’t want to just freeload). But I was having thoughts that I could flirt with her. I told my girlfriend some parts of these events; she asked me if I flirted with the bartender, I said no. But I feel the truly honest answer would be to tell her “I don’t know if I did.” I didn’t confess to my partner the full extent of the thoughts and feelings, and this is killing me. At the same time, I don’t know if it’s worth it, because it would just be hurting her when nothing really ended up happening; I didn’t kiss anyone or take anyone home with me. Also, I remember having the urge to go to the bar to see if I could meet other women, but I don’t remember if that was this same night or a different night (in which I ultimately ended up not going and staying home). Another huge doubt is that my partner said she would like kids in the future (we’ve been dating for just under 1 year). I know for a fact I don’t ever want kids, and I told her I will get a vasectomy. I’ve brought this topic up to her so many times because I’m afraid of it being a major incompatibility. But she always just says “I’m not thinking about kids right this moment. At this moment, I’m still trying to get my life together and I just want to be with you.” So I am basically just hanging on the hope that she’ll change her mind in the future. But assuming she did change her mind and sacrificed having kids just to be with me; then that means I have to confess to her my thoughts of infidelity. Because she has to know who she would be dedicating her life to. I’m spiraling out of control and I feel I’ve ruined everything. I don’t know what to do, every day is hell and torture and misery. I have even tried to find faith again and am praying every day but I feel God has forsaken me.

I don’t want to voice my OCD because I feel like I am reassurance seeking! But not voicing it makes you feel so alone! Any tips?

I just think it's real at this point