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I gave in to compulsion and now that I remember I end it the wrong way and I have to fix it but I am afraid it will get worse but I can't leave it that way I am so paralysed please help me

Is watching homosexual content good for ERP?

What if it's not pocd...what if i am a real P and im unconsciously using pocd as a way to deny it?THAT freaks me out!!!!!!!

Does anyone else get urges/fears surrounding this? My dad was pretty racist etc. and my mom was abusive. I get a lot of worry surrounding turning into them. I just wondered if it was common.

Sharing my story as I don’t know how to go on/to see if others can relate… I have been suffering with these thoughts for almost 5 months now, triggered by a very specific event. For context, I have only ever had crushes on girls/girlfriends and never had any sort of attraction to men - the vision I had of my future was always with a beautiful wife and kids. I have never felt compelled to have these crushes/visions, they just came very naturally. With that said, a very very small part of me was curious to maybe try and have sex with a guy just once to see what it was like. I never expected this to actually happen but it did, 5 months ago. Long story short, it was an experience I really really didn’t like or enjoy (I left halfway through), and I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with a man again. However, ever since, I have had debilitating intrusive thoughts about being gay and actually liking the experience even though I know deep down it’s not for me. I now get really anxious around the same sex (especially people I do not know) for fear of some sort of false attraction to them and find myself ‘noticing’ them more, which is causing significant distress. On the flip side, I feel like my attraction towards girls has diminished, which is just as if not more distressing, as I always found my attractions to girls happened often and naturally (I.e. not forced in the slightest). It feels like my life has been completely taken over and it feels so lonely sometimes. Any form of intimacy with a girl now feels like a mountain to climb - I’m scared that if I’m not 100% attracted to a girl instantly or enjoy intimacy 100%, that must be proof that I’m not straight. A lot of my time now is spent checking my previous sexual encounters for ‘proof’ that I’m straight but I have a crippling fear that I’m lying to myself and all the genuine attraction I have felt towards women must be a lie. Even though deep down I know I am straight, the thoughts feel so real and convincing. They seem to attack all the values/genuine visions of my life that I have, and I just want to return to being as carefree as I was before this whole thing.

I was laying in bed and my head started to turn again. It was like one second I was so sure and I was comfortable and the next my world turned upside down. I’m am a very feminine person but I’m also tall and a little over weight. Because of this my mind with tell me I look masculine. Because I’m not dainty and small. Or even the way my hair is styled can make me feel like I look like a lesbian. Or even my posture or how I do certain actions. I then started to google things about feeling like I look masculine and it was all people who came out of the closet and stuff. I know I shouldn’t be googling things, I should know better by now.

I’m feeling very alone lately, no one to relate to , no one to really understand. I feel like these days it’s so hard to find real friendships that help with how hard life is lately . Sometimes I get so scared that I’m going to end it all one day just out of no where because of how overwhelmed I feel .

I am lucky that I can sleep throughout most of the night but I keep waking up to either horrendous anxiety inducing ocd dreams or nightmares that kind of come with a mild sleep paralysis. Does anyone have suggestions if theres a way for me to stop the dreams or how to respond mindfully to them? They feel so real, especially the ocd dreams and sometimes it even feels like they swap into reality, leaving the same feelings like I had in the dream :(

So, I'm on a dating app. A couple months ago I met a guy and we started talking, and we both agreed we'd just be friends and see if it went anywhere. We've been friends/talking a couple months now, and I still swiped on dating apps, kinda talked around. Sometimes I swipe through when I'm bored or talk to other people. Nothing ever serious, just getting to know other people. Is this okay..? I'm not sure if this falls into the realm of cheating or something even though we're not dating/not exclusive. He's told me he liked me before in a lighthearted tone and I kind of played it off because eventually I started wondering if I even want a relationship due to MY ROCD. I still look around a bit but I don't really get into anything serious (or casual date or anything) I just chat with people . I'm afraid I'm leading him on or cheating somehow, neither of which are my intention. Am i being a bad person or just my OCD? I'm inexperienced in dating so ... yeah.

Hi I’ve never posted here before. I just learned I have ROCD and it makes a lot of sense. I’m trying to find out what to tell my partner and what not to tell. I told him tonight an intrusive thought and then said “that’s my OCD talking not me!” But he got hurt anyway because it was a jab at him. He said he always feels like he’s under a microscope with me. I feel so bad. I feel like my thought was correct though but also feel like GOSH why did I say that to him? Idk what to do. I feel like there’s so solution to this except to break up.

I feel like the only person that will try to listen to me and understand how I feel is my therapist. And thats inly because its her job. I just dont know how to navigate life from here on out. I need someone that understands this obsession with age and numbers but my friends do not understand. My brother and parents don't understand. I really just think its normal to feel the way I feel but they just wont admit it. If they wont admit it all I can do is feel like i need to hurt myself to have a catharsis. I feel liek if i actually could get reassurance from them I wouldnt hurt myself. But if they dont admit they feel as scared as I do I dont know how in supposed to live any longer. Im so scared of time and aging and I think thats normal especially at my age. I guess maybe its not normal to react to this fear the same way that I do, but I think its normal. Its normal to feel like youre losing everything as you grow up. Everything is changing and its scary. But why is everyone acting like they dont feel so scared. Why doesnt everyone acknowledge that 17 years really is long. Im not overreacting, I just dont know how to deal woth the constant thought and stress I feel because of it. Im almost two decades old. Ive lived through so many changes and thats scary. Even one decade was scary to me. Three decades will be even worse. Hopefully i wont make it there or to the next one. I live in a world I know, but soon it will be one that I dont. Isnt that so scary? Why do people act like its not. I havent felt at ease for years. But i want them back but i cant have them back. I dont know how to grow older, but it will show on my face. Its all I can think about. Im getting better with the mental math and comparisons I make (for the most part. I stopped countjng days specifically but I still compare ages) but im just replacing it with physical release. I dont know what to do. I just need my parents to tell me they wont miss me and maybe ill be able to let it go. But I love them so much so that will hurt if they say that. I spent so much of my life proving to myself that I was worth it to them, but now I cant keep my composure aroubd them anymore. Im convinced theyll die before im 30. All I do is cry and ruminate. Same thing when I was 14. I would cry right next to my parents but they wouldnt even acknowledge me. Or my dad would yell at me and say hed beat me up or hed throw things. He never hit me but that made me scared to open up to be honest. But one time i was crying right next to my mom when I was 14 because I had such vivid ideations of killing myself right there and I was so scared and I wanted comfort. But they wouldn't acknowledge me and so I almost took that as my sign to do it. I went for the knife, but then I just thought oh my god if I survive then imagine the hospital bill and I snapped out of it I guess. My parents both acknowledge im hurting now, but they also just don't understand it. My mom even says her friends daughter only needed two psychiatric visits and then she was "cured" I wish I could be cured. Im going to the psychiatrist soon though so maybe ill get medicated and the feelings, at least physical, will subside? i know I post a lot and it always sounds so dramatic and long, but I cant hold it in and i nearly never get anyones attention or care. I keep craving someone to understand me, to do more than just sympathize. Its also hard on here because there are so many christians. I was raised catholic, but the idea of heaven and hell are so daunting. Hell would hurt, but heaven would hurt me too. I dont want to live eternally. I dont want to know more than I do now. I want to have my parents so if there is heaven I hope to go there and with my family, but living long and long and long is so scary. I doubt theyd even look how I remember. Thats scary. Heaven has never been a comforting thought to me, but that doesnt mean I dont do all I can to be a good person and live with kindness and generosity in mind. but some people think it's comforting thing to tell others but it doesnt comfort me. I want to help people as I can now and then be gone. I dont want to see the world change into something I dont know. and i guess if I did go to heaven these fears would be gone just by default I suppose. But that feels like Id be losing myself. The current me doesnt want to lose myself. The current me finds heaven to be scary. The current me just can't understand because the current me is only human. well if anything this place is better than a crisis hotline. They feel so distant and impersonal and robotic even though its real people on the other end.

I know the title is weird. But to my fellow period havers, I have a question. I find that whenever i’m PMSing/ on my period my intrusive thoughts get unbearable. Like, normally my intrusive thoughts aren’t as all encompassing as they are on my period. I feel the need to lock myself away from others bc of my fear of screaming the wrong thing bc it feels so heavy on me during this time. I’m talking to a provider to get birth control to stop my period, so this won’t even be an issue for me soon. But I’m just curious I guess. Thanks for reading!

I can tell I'm avoiding my triggers. Im isolating myself from my friends, I'm only watching specific shows, I dont want to go outside, I dont want to see anyone. Its gotten to the point where I've asked for no intimacy with my boyfriend. We were getting intimate a few nights ago and I had an intense intrusive thought paste itself to my awareness and nothing I could do would make it stop and I had to ask him for space. My heart started pounding and my breathing got quicker. And now I'm afraid it will happen again. I can't stand the idea that I'd have these thoughts while being intimate with my boyfriend, it makes me feel disgusting and I feel bad that he has to date somene like me. I dont know how to face this. I just want to hide. I want to curl up and sleep for the rest of my life. I feel like its over for me idk

So today I was having intrusive images (mostly about slashing throuths) about my family and my pets. I was having anxiety but the thoughts were saying that I would enjoy this. I am afraid I'm turning into a sociopath or thag I am going to lose empathy. Right now I calmed myself and I felt like myself fo a bit, but out of nowhere it came back saying that I should kill 'cause it will feel great. I feel numb and I feel like I want to cry but I can't. Part of me says this is because I thaught myself it's a thought and it's not true, but the other part of is afraid that I'll become some killer. Thoughts?

I’m so exhausted of this, so exhausted of all the doubt, the confusion that my HOCD is causing me.. I’ve never been so distressed and anxious before, and it’s constantly, I’m constantly worried and I can’t think of anything else.. This post is probably going to be quite long, and I’m going to put a trigger warning, since it might contain something NSWF. I’ve had these thoughts for about 7-8 months.. and I’m honestly just so tired, I though days where I’m sure that ‘of course I’m straight’ and then later on have excessive doubts that gives me really bad anxiety, to the point I can’t do anything but cry in a corner of my room. I’ve alway been attracted to boys, or at least I thought so.. now I’m scared that I never really was.. like I’ve never been aroused just by the look of a man shirtless.. and that’s scaring me so bad right now.. but I have been attracted to men.. I’m sure, once I blushed because a boy I found attractive stood behind me in a queue.. I’d feel instantly hot when I saw my celebrity crush.. and I’ve had countless of fantasies about men.. but still, I’m so sad, so afraid.. I’m genuinely not okay anymore.. The thought of not being with a man saddens me.. it’s the only thing I want.. why can’t my brain just be satisfied with that? The thought of not being able to choose your own sexuality legit scares me.. it feels as if I’m being forced to something I don’t want.. I don’t even know who I am anymore.. I can’t feel the old me.. she’s long gone, and left behind is this really anxious, sad human being.. I’ve reached an age where everyone has had sex, but I haven’t I haven’t even kissed a boy.. I do want that to.. but my low self esteem is keeping me back.. I am afraid that people will make fun of me.. but now my brain also says that the only reason to why I wanna kiss a boy is to be ‘accepted’ and now I don’t know what to do.. And one thing I also is afraid means something about my sexuality is that I often wonder wether people from my OWN gender has had sex.. I feel so freaked out right now.. so extremely sad.. I’m also hyper-aware of the same gender.. I can’t even just find people pretty, as most women do.. I feel as if I’m attracted to them, and it scares me so bad.. I’m so anxious, and so sad.. what if this is the true me? How could I ever live with that? I only wanna be with a man.. it has always been my dream..

has anybody been working on doing ERP therapy alone without a therapist? has it worked for you? i’m attempting to do it alone but it is soooo hard. any tips would be wonderful as well :)

Guys how on earth am I meant to accept uncertainty. I have false memories about cheating on my boyfriend and I keep having visions of feeling this way forever and having this immense guilt. I feel like it’s impossible to want to accept uncertainty. It feels like my two options are either break up with my boyfriend or live in guilt and fear for the rest of my life

I just wanted to share a bit of my story as hope for those of you still in a dark place. Back in February, I began sinking into a depression. I couldn't pinpoint why, but life didn't seem to be as enjoyable as it used to be. My interests felt, well, less interesting, and everything grew grey. The strange part is, I had everything someone could want in life: a good job, a loving girlfriend, and plenty of friends and family. I was in a far luckier position than so many others, and yet I couldn't find my footing. I decided to get back into meditating. At first it was great, as it gave me some temporary relief from my suffering. However, I quickly became obsessed with the theory and philosophy behind many of the "non-dual" traditions. Before I knew it, I was having intense panic attacks and dissociation surrounding my identity, consciousness, and overall existence. Thinking itself felt unnatural, and it seemed as if I had seen through some great illusion of selfhood that I would never be able to "unsee." Furthermore, I became obsessed with the concept of free will and if we could ever truly have it in a deterministic universe. I compulsively researched and ruminated over these issues, trying to find answers to questions which were ultimately unanswerable. In April, I was formally diagnosed with OCD. I had never heard of the disorder outside of people using it to describe those who clean a lot or keep organized spaces. In some ways it was relieving; in other ways it was terrifying. Was it really OCD? How did this happen? How can I beat it? Will ERP work for me? What if it doesn't? I was terrified I was going insane. Quite frankly, it felt like I was, and this only spiraled me more. I was desperate to fix my issues, and the more desperate I grew the worse I got. It felt like I was drowning in confusion and doubt, unable to get a single moment's reprieve from the suffering. In May, I started I-CBT therapy. It is a somewhat new but proven method for helping OCD, but it didn't end up doing much for me. After two months, I switched to NOCD, where I found my current therapist and began working with the more classic approach of ERP. Because my compulsions were mental in nature, we began by scripting my worst fears. I would write and record these scripts, listening to them on the daily in different scenarios. Sometimes in the shower, sometimes driving to work, sometimes before bed. The most important part was desensitizing myself to the anxiety these scripts brought up. I often times listened to up to 2-3 hours worth of scripts per day. It wasn't quick and it wasn't easy, but slowly over time I noticed the scripts that used to evoke the most fear in me began to lose their strength. As my original fears lowered, new ones popped up, and I had to stay on top of updating my scripts and staying one-step ahead of my OCD, so to speak. I also had to be mindful that I wasn't using my scripting as a new form of compulsion to "fix" myself. This is a very fuzzy and tough line to follow, but important to keep in mind on your own journey. The key is not to cling to any one technique or approach as a silver bullet. Understand that this process and the things that help it are not linear. Now, at the of August, I can confidently say that I stand in a position I thought entirely impossible 6 months ago. There were so many days and weeks over these months that felt downright unbearable, as if I would slip into some inescapable abyss for eternity. To be completely honest, I still fear this possibility--that all of this progress is fake and the rug will be pulled out from under me at any moment. But the difference between now and then is that I can acknowledge this fear without it consuming my every moment. I can feel the sinking it causes in my stomach and continue on with whatever I was doing or need to do, whether that be answering emails, eating lunch, or petting my cats. And I think this is the most impactful skill I have gained during this entire process: the ability to act despite overwhelming fear and doubt. Which leads me to my final and most important point... DO NOT AVOID. Keep living your life. Go to the store, keep in touch with friends, go to school or work, ESPECIALLY if it all feels fruitless and unimportant. It will always feel safer to isolate, but this is just a feeling, not the truth. Until you teach yourself / brain that it is okay to feel afraid, it will always feel safer to stay in "safe" spaces than expose yourself to a broader world. Whatever you are most scared of, move towards, and continue doing so until you gain the confidence that you can do it anytime you want. Remember, it is NOT about getting rid of the fear, but acting DESPITE it. For better or worse, the only way OUT is THROUGH. Oh and the 67% number just comes from those report thingies you fill out every so often. I hope this helps some of you. Stay strong and never give up. One moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

I have been struggling a lot with scrupulosity lately - what if I offended God, what if I sinned and didn’t repent, what if I turned against God - these fears become so scary that I feel like I have to pray for forgiveness. As I am trying to grow in my faith, I read about repentance and that it is necessary to be forgiven and to live according to God’s will. However, I know that this can also be a ritual that I should be avoiding. It is so hard to distinguish. I attempted an exposure where I willingly let myself think my worst fear, a fear of turning from God. I said it in my head and I will not write it here because it is too fearful. But then immediately I was overcome with guilt and fear - how could I let myself think that thought for exposure, at least before they were unwanted intrusive thoughts, what if God didn’t realize I was doing an exposure because I didn’t plan it out, what if he thought I turned against Him, what if I committed the unpardonable sin. Of course, I could not resist the urge to ritualize, and I have since said many prayers for forgiveness. I think I have become okay with the fact that scary thought that are not us are going to pass through our minds, but for exposure therapy, I still feel I am sinning if I intentionally let myself think those thoughts and then do not repent. I know I should trust that God is all knowing and that he realizes I am doing exposure and I do not need to remind him. However, I am way too scared to do it again. I am okay to practice exposure for the other fearful thoughts I’ve been having, but I am very resistant to expose myself to thoughts against God, because I feel like just letting myself have the thoughts alone is a sin. Anyone struggling with this?

I saw on Reddit someone said, “no one talks about guys more than a girl in denial” and it really upset me. I’ve always enjoyed having crushes on guys and talking about them with my friends. How can I come down from this spiral and feeling of panic?