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the NOCD Community

I feel so engulfed by these thoughts that I cannot find a way out. It physically and mentally feels real and feels like I’m going to do it. I’m starting to believe this is actually me and I don’t know what to do.

I think I know what to do here. Got up in the night for the washroom... Brain is now going "what if you touched your face when hands are dirty" and I've given in and washed my face a few times... oops. Well this time it also went, "what if you washed your face BEFORE your hands and now there's pee germs in your hair from the water?" I went back to bed and now it's screaming my bedding/shirt/etc is contaminated... I want to change the pillowcases/bedding/clothes... It could use a wash anyway, but in this instance I think I need to wait until my brain calms down about this issue, even though I don't want it to escalate to "now the house is contaminated! And your hairbrush/the drawer it's in/everything in it!" If I did the bedding I know I would start spiralling. Ah yikes. I don't even know if this is even true, I don't think I would do it this way, I know better. I hate this. I wish I could accurately remember.

i took a break unintentionally from personal life and sadly i can’t say life is better. a lot of aspects have changed and i have a new partner and different living situation but my brain is still suffering. i’m still struggling and still triggered everyday. why? i know i can MANAGE things but why can’t thoughts just go away? why can’t this go away ?

During therapy I got to understand that my ocd requires relaxation and peace, I started spending time with family and started meditation. Helped me a lot but past a few days it feels that my rituals of relaxing have become compulsive. I wonder what would work properly and long term. I have pure-o ocd and haven’t tried ERP. Seems that relaxing techniques are also going down the gutter.

This is my first time posting. Mainly just want to get my thoughts out about my particular circumstances in hopes of gaining clarity or possibly helping someone else. I’ve always battled with anxiety and depression off and on my whole life and the OCD has only been around the last 5 years. Recently, I discovered through testing that I have a MTHFR gene mutation which long story short just means my body doesn’t naturally methylate fully on its own, so I have to take certain vitamins in their active form and avoid anything that creates inflammation in the body which exacerbates the symptoms of the mutation. The big thing is that the process of methylation has everything to do with creating dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine neurotransmitter, so basically those with the mutation are prone to having anxiety and depression. My big aha moment is that my entire life I haven’t even had a fighting chance to find joy and contentment because of this which is both disheartening but also relieving to know that there’s a chance to overcome it. I’m really hoping after making the appropriate lifestyle changes and supplementing correctly I will begin to feel joy and hope again which will then in return help me fight my OCD. The occasional days when I do feel a serge of serotonin, I’m able to rolls my eyes and laugh at the things that would normally trigger me, as the weight is lifted and my racing thoughts soften. If anyone else here has the mthfr mutation, how have you dealt with it?

Whoever has hocd.. does ur thoughts say “he’s cute or he’s hot” if ur a guy afraid of being gay? I hate when it does that

I have contamination ocd and I’m constantly cleaning and organizing for sometimes hours until it feels “just right” and it’s truly miserable. I asked a friend of mine if cleaning for hours at a time all day is excessive and his reply was “no you’re just a clean person!” It honestly hurt to hear that I guess I was just seeking reassurance and shouldn’t have asked. Does anyone else get that reply a lot? And if so how do you deal with it? It made me feel like my ocd isn’t a problem.

Very frightened about lack of sleep

I've seen many things tbh. I've seen spells, cursed items, and more. These images play in my head and then I get intrusive thoughts saying horrible things will happen to people I love. It's been so hard to deal with that I don't even sleep well anymore. Anybody know how to solve this?

So, yesterday I found out that one of my coworkers (I'm her boss) cries because I'm so mean to her every day and the last time she felt as bad as I make her feel was when her dad was in the hospital, and that everyone encouraged her to report me because of how awful I am, including MY BEST FRIEND'S SISTER. I genuinely cannot think of a single time I've been mean, let alone so mean she wrote a resignation letter, cries every day in front of everyone, and is scared of me. How can I be that mean to someone and not even realize it? I'm not doing anything unusual, so I'm being that mean just by naturally being myself. I feel like the worst person on earth. I want to quit so badly, I can't continue working with this girl, she deserves better than me. I can't stop crying, I had no idea I'm such an awful person to be around. I've never felt more autistic in my life. I'm so genuinely shocked by this. I thought I was friends with everyone and that we were all fine. But nope, I got reported and they all hate me because I'm so mean to them and especially one girl. I don't know what to do other than resign. I don't know how to process this.

Yesterday I started taking paroxetine. Is there someone who is taking it? What dose are you taking and what was the dose you where starting with? When it started to work?

So I watched Barbie yesterday with my girlfriend. It was okay, a bit strange, certainly a different experience. Ryan Gosling was definitely a scene stealer and I won’t lie he was really funny in the role. Which is exactly what has triggered me. My brain seemingly just jumps to the conclusion of “that means you’re gay” and it’s been doing my head in all day. I’m constantly trying to reassure myself and it’s exhausting. I never rated Ryan Gosling really (this is the first film of his I’ve ever seen) but now every time I so much as see his face anywhere I have an anxiety attack of sorts, it’s just strange man… I never gave the actor a second of thought in the past. Oh well, this is nothing new really… My ocd as of lately has found itself attached to specific people from time to time it’s strange…

How is everyone?? Is there something you want to talk about?

Do you still describe yourself as having a specific subtype even if it doesn’t happen super frequently and doesn’t cause a huge amount of distress? For example I’ll have an occurrence occasionally that would fall under harm OCD or POCD but assuming I have OCD and not just anxiety, it was all originally triggered back when I realized that I likely have ROCD, which is the main one for me.

Been seeing an amazing guy and I'm attracted to him and he treats me better than anyone I've met. I cant be present and I question every single thing and I broke it off because I've only managed one calm lovely month out of 4 but I miss him a lot and still feel terrible. Is this just a breaking up with a lovely man thing or is this regret? I know he will support my mental health through anything and I'm terrified of losing out on him due to this. Thanks in advance and sending so much love to you absolute warriors x

Lately I have felt like I care less about everything. People, hobbies I used to enjoy. Etc. can ocd do this to you after you’ve been fighting a flare up for awhile ? My POCD has been back pretty intense for about 2 months.

...and only recently (within the past couple years) fell into mental illness, how do you deal with grief over the life you used to live? The life without constant fear, the life that was normal... the life you loved and lost because of anxiety. The kind of life you might have to accept you could never really get back. It all feels so awfully fresh to me, I can so clearly remember what it was like before, even if almost all of my habits have changed because of one anxiety or another. I can't remember how I used to do most things (particularly when it comes to my own hygeine--though I know it came naturally and wasn't this fear-involved or time consuming) and I feel lost. Part of me knows my life is now different and while some habits need to be trimmed down or stopped altogether, I can't always figure out which because all of them spike anxiety at the thought of quitting. My "new normal" has almost totally erased my "old normal". Just a vent really, but if anyone's been in the same boat, I hope you have found some modicum of peace...

I have a constant fear of being a psychopath both physically and mentally… Dahmer is my biggest trigger.. hearing what he does and why he did it makes me scared… I don’t want to be a bad person I don’t think I currently am.. I’m just scared and shaking it feels so real but I keep letting myself know it’s just a thought and that one thought doesn’t define my future or what I do with my life. I LOVE, I CARE, and most of all I PROTECT. Rough night today but progress is progress.

My ocd has completely crippled me. I have become prisoner to it and I want to break out so bad. I'm constantly worried with the what ifs. Terrified my thoughts will manifest into reality, no matter how dark. Practicing rituals that cause me distress. I am even so fixated and worried about my girlfriend, if she doesn't answer or respond soon enough,it quite literally feels like the end of the world. I want out of this ocd, I can't take it. My thoughts FEEL SO REAL.

This morning my cat was following my everywhere and my harm theme was so intense after a nightmare I had last night, I could not calm down because wherever I went she went there with me and I kept avoiding. It pains me so freakin much, she is such a sweet and loving kitty and it's so horrible that I can't even be near her and give her the love she demands due to my harm ocd. I felt so anxious and scared and at one point I even felt so annoyed with her and it scared me! I sat down on the floor outside my room and started sobbing and suddenly said out loud "I can't deal with this anymore" and at that point I felt impeding doom and felt that I was going to get up at any sec and hurt my cats and my family, I really thought 'this is it, it's about to happen' ...I don't get this, it felt so fkcn real, I did not do anything but I literally felt I was going to and now i'm so traumatized :(