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What does recovery feel like?

I was obsessing over the feeling of love, whether I knew what it truly was or not. All my life I had only ever seen toxicity. I never really knew what it looked like to be in a healthy relationship. So I was constantly on the watch for the smallest of red flags. Fine tooth comb in hand and picking apart every piece of my relationship. I couldn’t help it, it wasn’t his fault. He was the kindest most true and genuine person I knew. so why did I question my love. Why did I question if I knew what it was. I knew him. I loved him. But why did something in me feel empty, like there was no space in the box that I checked off as love. It was there before, for years and years, and I never questioned it. Until the illness came in like a hot iron pressed against my skin, branding me sick, and twisted inside. I wanted to love without question, with no effort, with ease like I had for so many weeks, months and years before the lighting that is ocd struck me in the chest. Why did I need such certainty? Why did I panic at the thought of not being in love? Love is love. Love is a choice. Love isn’t always a feeling. That’s what has been said to me. But for so many years I was so sure of it. I felt such immense guilt that I questioned such a strong foundation that we had built together. The words Co dependent, and comfortable, floated through my head like a heavy stone sinking to the bottom of my mind. I was tangled up in the rope of the words that came out of my step mothers mouth. I didn’t want these words. Why were they so deeply trained into my head from the moment they bounced of her lips. They ricocheted around my mind for hours that day; “co dependent” “comfortable”. I love him, I said to myself as my chest began to quake with the need to cry. Why is this fear so real, why can’t I stop questioning it. I’m Ill. Or maybe I’m not. It’s ocd. Or maybe it’s not. The first long relationship I’ve had in my life. Five full years of memories, cherished laughter and tears of joy. Hard times and good times, milestones we’ve crossed hand in hand, side by side. Together we never had to face this new journey of adulthood alone. I felt safe with him, like I was never going to be by myself in a world that was so unkind. I hated the ocd, I hated the doubt, I hated the fear. I didn’t want any of it. I practiced telling myself, maybe I don’t love him. Maybe I don’t love him. Maybe I don’t love him. I don’t love him. I don’t love him. I don’t love him. I don’t love him. I don’t love him. I don’t love him. I don’t love him. I don’t love him. Over and over and over. Could it be the reason that something within me didn’t feel right? Could it be the reason I felt anxiety? Or was it truly the illness that Is called my ocd. I hate that it attacks my self confidence, my comfort, my safety, my relationship with the person who is both my best friend and lover built into one. Sure I could do my life with someone else but I don’t want that. Sure I could live by myself for awhile and see what it’s like to be a girl venturing in the world. But I would miss out on the life I’m building now. I want these obsessions and compulsions to go. I love him. But my ocd says I don’t. I hate it.

I haven’t showered in three months. I haven’t eaten or drink anything in the past three days. I don’t left my room. Just to go to the bathroom, and every time I contaminated. The same way I have contaminated everything in my room. My psychologist abandoned me. My psychiatrist won’t see me until the next month. I stop taking my medication. They just didn’t help. I just gotten worse while taking them.

What was your first signs of ocd as a child. I think mine was confessing but I haven’t heard of many other people with that ..

My newest fear is having a stroke. And I’m so scared about it. Im a 20 year old female who is not really skinny by any means. Like yes i am overweight but I’m not really “unhealthy”. Like I’m not to active besides going to work but i also don’t eat a bunch of junk food or any fast food. And when i looked up stroke it said that it is more common in women and it kills more women than men. I’m seriously freaking out. And the leading cause of strokes is high blood pressure and high cholesterol. And i know that my blood pressure isn’t particularly the lowest and now I’m so scared. The only thing keeping me somewhat okay right now is it says that drinking water can diminish chances of a stoke by 50%. And i like to think that i drink a lot of water so that makes me feel okay but i am still so scared. And i know that I’m supposed to sit with uncertainty and say maybe i will have a stroke but it’s way to scary 😭😭

Yesterday I was with family and celebrating thanksgiving and then with my bf and somehow the ruminating stopped and then this morning On my way to work it started all over again… the drive in took my peace away and reverted to my Hit and Run OCD thoughts from Tuesday and I’ve literally been checking news outlets looked over my car a handful of times and no proof of harming anyone and like my mind is making a story at this point that doesn’t exist and I just wanna stop thinking I hurt/killer someone it’s so distressing and I’m trying not to give into compulsions but it’s like I’m catastrophicizing this thought and I think my life is over and I’m gonna go to jail when I know nothing happened…. All because I looked down to change the radio… I don’t know what is wrong with me

Big trigger warning!!! I know everyone with OCD thinks they’re the exception, but I haven’t really found any stories I can relate to… hopefully someone can understand my situation. I’ve come to realize that maybe my thoughts are still obsessive and compulsive in nature, even though I’m not actually sure if I’m in the right relationship. But maybe that’s the OCD talking. I am in a homosexual relationship and have been for the past 7 years. I used to wonder if I was bisexual growing up, and still question if I am, or maybe if I’m not bisexual enough to be in a gay relationship. This is because I have obsessions related to my sexual orientation.. I “test” my feelings for other women and sometimes try to have crushes so I feel like I am capable of being in a homosexual relationship. But the crushes feel fake and forced and sometimes even accompanied by panic and identity crisis because I don’t want to be gay. It’s really hard in my situation because I know I like guys but does that mean I need to break up with my partner? I’m starting to wonder if maybe the issue is that I subconsciously view only monosexuality to be valid, and that it’s not possible to truly be bisexual. I get dreams sometimes where I kiss a guy, or do sexual stuff, or even fall in love and I like these dreams and they feel so natural. But I wake up in a complete panic because I feel like I need to leave my partner. Like I’m lying to her and we can’t be together. Also I get into periods when friends talk about their boyfriends and I feel so sad and depressed because I know if I never leave my partner I will never experience what it’s like to have a boyfriend, but also not wanting to end my relationship. Is this a bisexual thing? It’s sucks. I’m scared that if I leave my relationship I will realize that men are not all that I built them up to be in my head. But I’m also sad at the idea of never knowing what a straight relationship is like. Something just pulls me towards men, like I want their attention. But I’m not even sure if that’s because of my sexuality.. or if I just want their attention for some reason. It’s just really confusing because I’m in a gay relationship and I have HOCD.. I have pretty much constant doubts about the relationship, pick apart her characteristics, question my identity, get really sad and lonely sometimes, I do want to be intimate with her but not very often. I’m pretty sure it’s still OCD but the situation makes it even more confusing. I try to avoid men, try to not look attractive in front of them, because I worry about having feelings for them that I cannot control which would send me into thought spirals and panic because then I would worry about having to break up with my partner. Do you think ERP could help me? Or does this not sound like OCD? I was diagnosed with OCD 7.5 years ago but it was a different theme then and it’s hard to tell if what I’m going through is really ROCD cause the stories I hear from others are so different than mine.

Ahhhhh I feel like I need to confess to my mom or my husband…. But how…..?! “Hey I think I might have done something really really bad, I think I need to turn myself in, I’m not sure if I did it but you know just in case…” 😭

does anyone else feel like their OCD makes them feel uncertain about their values? there’s always a weird layer of not understanding myself below my OCD.

Does anyone else struggle with Christian OCD? I feel like I want to die right now. One of my core fears is the fear of my loved ones going to hell. It’s been my son for a while now because he started expressing fear he was going to go to hell and (unfortunately he appears to have religious OCD as well at even nine years old) it had gotten to a point he had felt he was unsaveable and getting angry at God. I realized that my fears of a false conversion were pushing him away/confusing him to the point I was hindering him coming to Christ. Only, I am afraid that I forced it on him now because he has asked for so long if he was ready and my husband took him to the altar. Not surprisingly he still doubts himself - he’s confused and I feel even WORSE than I did when he wasn’t “saved.” I fear if I try to reassure him and he isn’t saved that it will be my fault he goes to hell. I have barely slept since this happened Tuesday. I’m ready to die and all my therapy has completely gone out the window. I am just so depressed it’s hard to even look at my baby and not cry. *Please don’t respond if you’re not a Christian. I respect your opinions, but please respect mine.*

What’s up y’all, Does anyone ever deal with the fear of being canceled. In the past year all of my dreams that I’ve worked really for are unfolding and it’s crazy I’m doing so well but I’ve dealt with an insane amount of imposter syndrome and this ocd fear of being canceled for something I’ve done and losing everything. I have skeletons in my closet like everyone else. I’m so happy with the lessons from I’ve learned from my mistakes yet I’m terrified I’ll be torn away from all my hard work and outcasted from my community by some online bullshit.

Tested the images during sex and felt strong arousal to it and then felt so terrified and confused so I tested again and felt arousal again. I’m so terrified, this obviously is real and isn’t OCD anymore. I don’t even want to have sex anymore

Somatic ocd is so tiring. I can’t stop thinking about my saliva and swallowing. I’m going to a psychiatrist, but I’m only doing cbt atm. It always gets worse in school. My mouth gets filled with salvia and then I can’t speak. I have a water bottle with me each class so I can drink from it instead of swallowing just the saliva. Which makes it a little easier, but sometimes I just swallow without any control like I literally get surprised. Or like my mouth I full of saliva, but my throat is dry. It’s so uncomfortable. I’ve had it for like 7 months. I feel so alone. I’m trying to motivate myself to keep going. It honestly made me so depressed. Hopefully my psychiatrist can help me.

I've found something but i feel very vulnerable going to the Doctors about it. I don't know if it's normal or not. I've had blood tests for unrelated reasons and they came back perfectly fine. So surely if it was bad something would be showing on the blood tests?? Everytime i'm doing better OCD comes back again. I'm so tired of living everyday in fear. And new 'things' for me to worry about is so tiring. Idk what to do anymore. My OCD has been constant all year. Normally i only have my normal rituals and about 8-12weeks of an OCD flare up but this years OCD has been non stop.

This course I am taking is undermining years of retraining my brain not to believe my OCD. I had come so far in fighting perfectionism, and accepting that many things only needed to be good enough to meet their standards rather than the standards my OCD set for them. I had learned that while assignments (whether school or work) are important, they aren’t everything. I was starting to believe the truth that one can’t give everything one’s 100%. I was starting to trend towards more balance in life despite having a ways to go. I was taking time for myself, but not getting quite so burnt out that then I hibernated and got stuck in those “little breaks”, or at least not for as long. I was celebrating that personal progress as I encouraged myself to keep trending towards healthier. Now, I may need to disappoint my in-laws and last-minute not show up to Thanksgiving because this paper is due tomorrow night, and 2 full days of work on it has me at less than 2/3 of being finished.

Why do false memories feel so real and that it’s what actually happened. Because it feels like it’s not a false memory at all and it feels like and I feel it’s true

People with this theme how long did you guys have it for??

Hi everyone. I just have a question. Anytime mass shootings go on, I start to feel extremely anxious. & then I have “could this ever be me?” or “what if this happens to me some day?” thoughts. I started feeling guilty and wondering if I may have characteristics of a mass shooter or something. Like I start to compare myself to them. I guess in an attempt to correct my wrongdoing before it happens. I definitely don’t want that to happen to me. but it’s something that runs through my mind every time. Does anyone else experience these hard, horrific moments? Would this be considered a part of harm OCD?

Hello, I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with OCD to the one I recently had, and how you got through it! I have dealt with a variety of intrusive thoughts and OCD symptoms for many years now, and recently learned that these symptoms were actually signs of OCD. These symptoms bothered me now and then, but the didn't really impact my daily life, relationships, or joy. That all changed over this summer when I experienced a stressful life event. The event sent my OCD symptoms into an intense spiral where I could literally not stop thinking about what happened and kept going back to try to "solve it" in my brain by reliving each detail. This only made me feel worse. However I felt like I had to keep thinking and talking about what had happened in order to process it and make my thoughts calm down. I then started freaking out and feeling as if I had lost control of my mind. My emotions started to rotate between numb and intense anxiety, and I felt like I couldn't focus in conversations with loved ones or be present anymore because my mind, body and emotions were constantly racing down a dark spiral. I felt no rest or peace and had 5 nights of literally zero sleep during this intense period of my life. As of recently I have started medication and meeting with a therapist. I only have a few intrusive thoughts per day about the life event now, and seemingly random things trigger those thoughts. It feels like the days and people surrounding this event are always in the back of my mind, wanting me to think about them. Other symptoms spiked up after this event that have not gone down as much as I would have liked. For example, I am constantly checking to see if I am truly present with whoever I am with, if I am truly being myself and saying what I would normally say, or enjoying myself as I normally would had I not gone through the stressful event and been left with these strange side effects. Its like a mental trap, because the checking to see if I am engaged and enjoying my time with friends and family is what keeps me from being engaged and enjoying times with friends and family. Have you experienced anything like this before? Any tips and support would be appreciated!

Should we really not analyze thoughts? I feel like that is a form of repression. Maybe analyzing the thought without reassuring ourself of anything is OK..?