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i feel like im giving up in my relationship and i dont want that🥺🥺🥺🥺

I am recovering from a spike that went a few weeks and have learned some things along the way that I wanted to share: 1. How to deal with anger and frustration. I tend to try to avoid being angry. I often see it as an unhelpful and selfish emotion, and what’s more, I have had certain religious beliefs about the nature of anger and its sinfulness. But what is considered sinful anger is that which is oriented towards injury, physical or personal. Often the big “explosion” that my anger feels like it is boiling towards is just… sharing that I hurt. Not insults, not threats, not guilt tactics. So I have been sharing more of my daily frustrations lately, and also just allowing anger to be there, without stoking the fire of course. And I have found some freedom in this. 2. Self-affirmations to help with low self-worth are actually best addressed to self-worth itself and not the apparent cause of the dip in self-worth (such as a mistake or a bodily feature), which sometimes can be an obsession. So, when for instance, I feel bad about a moral mistake I made in the past, I say something like, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God and have inestimable worth” with no reference whatsoever to the particular struggle. If I name any particular good qualities of mine, I make sure they are not related to the cause of low self esteem, and I remind myself that they do not earn my worth but merely point to it. The purpose of this approach is threefold: (1) the real struggle for me often really is about self-worth underneath everything and it “attaches” to smaller things, often insignificant, sometimes significant, (2) to avoid reassurance compulsions, (3) because self-worth should be unflappable and not dependent on contingent qualities. I may make serious moral mistakes in the future, or may lose some of the good qualities I have. Life happens. What I need then, is the agency to be better, which requires a sense that the agent (me) is worth redeeming. Christianity offers a very poignant way of explaining that. 3. The sorts of thoughts that have historically been intrusive thoughts for me can also be compulsions, based in obsessions around obsessions. So I may have some intrusive thought or sense that intrusive thoughts are *about* to appear, and the compulsion would be to think those sorts of thoughts on purpose. I combat this by using my ERP messages against the intrusive thought that I may have intrusive thoughts. I say “maybe I will and maybe I won’t.” When I figured this out, a lot of things feel into place— I had been honing these psychological tools in my exposures, but yet hadn’t yet applied them to this situation. Once I identified that “spidey sense” as OCD, those skills began to pay off. 4. The difference between judgement and rejudgement. To judge is to decide one’s valence towards something once and for all. A judge feels no need to walk back into the courtroom every 10 seconds to reannounce the judgement they already made. The judge does not think that anytime they are not in the courtroom doing so, they are announcing a contrary judgement to that which they already declared. Similarly, judgement is something which normal human beings do, but they normally do it once, and then if they are to change or reaffirm their judgement, it is only after a period of rational doubt. But as OCD sufferers, we often feel the need to “re-judge” in real time. We say “murder is wrong” in response to harm obsessions. But didn’t we already know this? What was the purpose of judging murder again? The answer is that it is a compulsion in response to an obsession. The reminder is meant to keep you from murdering or to suppress the thoughts. And this is an important difference between healthy judgements and compulsive rejudgements. When we have intrusive thoughts, likely, we already know what we think and feel about them, in terms of our set positions on things. Hope these help!

Idk if this makes sense but I feel like there’s a mental barrier that prevents me from feeling attraction. Like every time I see someone attractive my mind rejects it and is like “no you don’t” 🤡

So I had dealt with soocd about 3 years ago, and it went away and I never had any issues with it since. But about 2 months ago it got triggered again and it is absolutely ruining my life. The whole time during that 3 years, all I dated was guys, and I never had thoughts. I’m in an amazing relationship of about a year and a half, and the soocd thoughts are killing me. And it soon turned into rocd. My life is a living nightmare. I just want to be with my boyfriend and not have the “what if’ I’m gay” or “was i attracted to her” or “what if the whole time I’ve been with him I was really gay” or “what if I’m just now realizing I’m gay” I constantly check myself when I kiss him and often look at pictures to see if I’m still turned on. I’ve lost my sex drive too. And the fact that my soocd symptoms aren’t as bad because vibe dealt with it before also scares me. Before all of this I loved life and had no doubt that I was going to marry this guy. Will I ever get to live without these thoughts in my head 24/7?

I felt like I was kind of getting over this harm subtype and I was doing fine for a couple of weeks. I felt so relieved and yes I would get triggered at times but I was able to let a lot of these thoughts pass. But of course something has to happen in my city and now I am absolutely In a wreck. For some background, I had known that this had been going in within town for a while and honestly it made me a bit paranoid for my own safety. Now that they have arrested this person and I know the details of what his mental state was like I feel myself panicking. I can’t help but worry that my headspace could ever get like that. It’s absolutely triggered the schizophrenic ocd and I feel so anxious and so worried. I just want to cry because I don’t ever want to be like that. And it gets to me a bit more at the moment because I’ve been having a rough couple of days. My school is in the middle of my city and I hear sirens all of the time and lately I’ve been fixated on them because I want to make sure that I’m actually hearing them. So a few days ago I heard the sirens and I was like okay yeah something is going on. And sirens typically only last a few seconds just because the police car is speeding by. But then I found myself walking for the next 10 minutes and hearing the sound in my head all over again. And I knew it was just in my head because obviously I know what a siren sounds like when you are nearby. But the amount of anxiety I was feeling because this was replaying in my head was terrible. It was to a point where I was like “Maybe that siren was real” or “Um that one sounded kind of real, I think” I wanted to burst out crying. I was telling myself that I was going crazy and that I was literally schizophrenic and that I needed to tell my therapist ASAP so that I could get put on medication. I saw a few people on here who could relate to the same thing and it made me feel a bit better. I just don’t know how to overcome this part of ocd. It has gotten to a point where I just replay the sounds of sirens in my head and i do it on purpose so that I could remind myself that they are not real. Which realistically isn’t helping me because I am just causing myself more distress. I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t stop hearing sirens replaying over in my head and it was the most embarrassing thing. I felt so defeated. He told me that I needed to stop fixating on these things and that this wasn’t me. I’ve came to that conclusion as well that being so anxious and so worried about every little thing in the world is not me. Before ocd really hit me, I used to just live my life and go about my day not worried about any of this. Now I am always making sure that for one, I am not hearing things. Two, I won’t hurt the people that I care so deeply about that are literally my life. And three, why the world is the way it is and why we have just been okay with living in space. lol that last one I can laugh about at the moment because it’s just funny that ocd has convinced me that I have to worry about that. I just want to over come this. This is probably the scariest thing I’ve had to deal with ever. Especially the sirens. Ocd has ruined my perspective on life. I could never wish ocd on anyone. I just want to be okay and I just want to live my life in the way that I want to, not the way Ocd wants me to. I’m sending my love to everyone dealing with this monster. As im even just writing this ocd is telling me that it is bad for me to write about, but who cares what you think ocd.

May I just say, having harm OCD and intrusive thoughts about “what if I want to/going to hurt someone” is probably the closest thing to hell I can think of. Especially when you know you can’t tell anyone at all because they would freak out. Then it makes you feel even more isolated, disgusting, and alone. My therapist tells me it’s just my ocd and nothing is wrong with me so I just wish my brain would stop having the thoughts. If I become numb to them like they they say to do, that terrifies me even more? I don’t have compulsions other than ruminating and obsessing about why they are happening in the first place. I am not asking for reassurance I just want to know I am not alone out there. It’s hard not to want to give up sometimes. If you are somewhere out there, I’m in this with you and I support you. I know you aren’t crazy. I know it’s just your overactive frontal lobe playing tricks on you. This isn’t who we really are at all. It’s weird to say you love strangers on an app but I do love any person struggling with this illness because my heart feels everything yours feels too. Stay strong and keep pushing forward even when your brain is lying to you!

Are there any Latinos here ? How did you guys open up to your parents about ocd ? My mom is somewhat more understanding of it and supportive .

I’ve made SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH PROGRESSION, I would say that I’m able to manage all of my ocd symptoms effectively by God’s Grace. Understand that OCD is not just going to dissapear, learn to ignore and keep going about your day. I was extremely suicidal when this all started on June 30th, 2022. For about 6 weeks consecutively I truly believed I wasn’t going to be here and that I would rather be dead than live with these disgusting Intrusive thoughts at the severity they we’re at. I even went to a bridge to jump but Jesus showed up. The only reassurance you should seek is reading the Bible, praying, and going to church. Once I realized some of the greatest pastors dealt with this also, it got a lot better. The thoughts have dropped in frequency massively and they don’t stop me from getting up and moving, I laugh at a lot of them now because they are so blasphemous and ridiculous. Ignoring and not engaging has been most effective for me, I constantly attack my exposures also. I haven’t been on here in about a month. Today has been a phenomenal day. Don’t give up, do ERP!! Rely on God!! I feel progress everyday. Renew your mind with Godly thoughts. I truly believe OCD is a Tactic from Satan to destroy people, especially those who Love God!!! Blessings to all of you in Jesus name, I can’t imagine how far I’ll be in 6 months after how much progress I’ve made in 3 months. Don’t quit, Jesus Is here for you!!

how do you guys not feel extremely guilty for your intrusive thoughts? i’ve been struggling with the guilt over having these thoughts in the first place. any tips would help so much!!

Anyone in a relationship and struggling with HOCD or SOCD hmu so we can talk and help each other 🙏

Can Someone Tell Briefly How Real Event ocd is like? I'm confused about this....and not sure if i have it or not...

I know I’m safe, I’m told I’m safe but yet I keep thinking I’m in danger. Here’s the story: My boyfriend comes from a 2nd to third world country where gangs/terrorists and violence run rampant. So much so that his country’s government had to hire/run a new president to fix the issues. Whether their president gets re-elected we don’t know. In said country the people are sometimes forced to give gang members money to not get hurt/murdered. For no reason, these terrorists just like being in charge. It’s sad. Anyway he’s told me it’s over with and that he didn’t really have to live that way and sends money to his family for water, food, and meds. He tells me about his childhood and tells me he was asked by “insert terrorist group here” to join in his country and he said no. And right then I started panicking because the news media tells us that saying no to these kinds of people in their country is a no no and you can’t escape. So for weeks I was under the impression he came to the US to run away from said people and I panicked. I even thought about dumping him in order to feel safe, not because I didn’t want him as a boyfriend. Anyway fast foreword to yesterday after a small argument on my part for feeling unsafe he tells me “let’s talk” and told me there was nothing to worry about and that these people were childhood friends or acquaintances that ended up choosing the wrong path in their lives and asked if he wanted to come along and he said no and that there was nothing to fear and that he came here on a work visa and showed it to me before too. Even though I felt relief the panic still came back the next day and it won’t go away even though my boyfriends been in the US for 5+ years without issue, and it’s not like I don’t have friends myself who got into dirty deeds so me and my boyfriend are the same. We come from the same background and had bad groups of friends that we had to leave behind. So why am I like this? So how do I calm myself down? Has anyone else been through this?

You don’t even try to think about it much more , but ocd has left you with the feeling . Plus, you still ruminate about it . It feels like temporary little depression stage :( where everything you were great full for prior to the spike, is no longer there . I feel like my episode is gonna last for a long time again:( I want me back .

I’ve never experienced any feeling like this, but lately for the past few weeks I have had these really scary thoughts and graphic images pop into my head out of nowhere, and I can’t seem to get them to go away. Every day I have at least 3-4 moments where I’ll just be minding my own business, living life like normal, and i’ll see very typical things out in public that my mind takes and creates terrible ideas from. Like, i’ll see a bad car accident on the highway and for a moment i’ll wonder what it would be like to die in a car wreck (and or some reason it feels like a peaceful thought - dying so quickly and unexpectedly), or I’ll imagine a brick flying out of an eighteen-wheeler and smashing through my window into my face while i’m driving. It’s all very intense and graphic, and in the moment that i’m thinking about it, it feels like a comforting thought, until I snap back into reality and am terrified of my own mind. I feel like i’m going crazy. I don’t know if this is all attributed to my past traumas (i’ve been raped twice, locked in a window-less garage with no food or water for three days, have been a heroin addict and an alcoholic, suffered through 6 years of anorexia and bulimia, was naive enough to be lured into sex-trafficking that lasted 2.5 years, and I have been in one severely toxic relationships where I was beaten and given drugs so I would submit to sexual activities I’d otherwise would never do). I always came out of each of these situations with no issue, I just let it go and said “it is what it is” and I’d go on and be what I thought was “happy”. I have quit heroin cold-turkey as of a few months ago with only two instances of relapse that lasted two days each time, but I have never gone back to it with an addiction mindset. I have also quit binge-drinking as of 7 months ago, and now I only have a drink now and then (not nearly as much as before). I am now with my soon-to-be husband and we just moved out into a new place. I thought my life was seemingly fine, but lately I have been getting these horrendous thoughts that I should either hurt myself or commit suicide. It’s not always, but when the thoughts do come out of the blue, I feel like at any moment I will lose control and give in to them. I’m beggining not to trust myself, I have started intentionally scratching my skin with a thumbtack to feel pain (It’s weirdly comforting when I feel physical pain. It distracts me from the scary thoughts). I also have been diagnosed with betrayal trauma PTSD and have had ADHD my whole life. I just don’t know what to do because I’m starting to fear for my own life. I don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to live sometimes. It’s all very confusing and came out of nowhere. I thought I was perfectly fine and happy. All these thoughts are completely out of left field and there were no warning signs. I don’t know what to do or how to make the thoughts and images go away

I feel horrible. I feel like I treat my boyfriend as if I don't care for him or our relationship, like its something new and foreign as if we haven't been together for 3+ years. I walk past a guy and pick up on his looks then feel like a cheater. And when I consider my own boyfriend, I try to rationalize my thoughts, reassure myself of my feelings for my boyfriend, all the while feeling completely and utterly disconnected not only from him and our relationship but from myself. I feel like the voice and thoughts and feelings I have a lot of times aren't me. I feel like I'm trying to fit in wherever I go. I feel stuck, tired, and drained. I'm depressed and then I'm anxious, always low with a few highs and not the good kind. My head hurts, my body hurts, everything hurts, but especially the guilty I carry for feeling like I'm wasting my own time and life and my partners time. I feel like I'm convincing myself that I like him, that I care for him, but somehow my mind always tells me he's my forever and I want him to be but it doesn't FEEL like that inside me and it's so hard dealing with 2 opposing thoughts of that level. I am so lost. I don't know what to do. Every day, I feel the much more like I'm out of touch from our relationship. It's been years and I'm still like this, and it makes me wonder whether this ocd shit is all in my head and really I'm just running from something I don't want to accept. But I don't want it to be like that, but it just doesn't make any sense. Even saying that the ocd is making me second guess myself feels like a lie. I am so fucking lost.

I’m tired of being me with this brain and body it’s so hard everyday

My real event ocd theme is back and I just had a random thought about it and now I’m triggered all over again, repeating what went wrong and how stupid I was as a dumb teenager to not realize it when I should have.

Hi, I need advice. I'm a 21 year old college student, turning 22 in November. If I go back to school this year, I will only be a sophomore by credits, with no progress toward my degree. For 5 years I've suffered from off-the-charts-severe OCD, with 30+ obsessions, and hundreds, if not thousands, of compulsions. I have not been able to function whatsoever for 5 years, despite being a 4.0 student before my condition worsened. I'm beginning to truly understand and accept that all of my problems are a result of this disorder, including my severe depression, and my social anxiety. I have trialed 30+ medications, brain stimulation, years of therapy (NOT ERP), partial hospitalization (NOT ERP), and inpatient hospitalization (NOT ERP). None have been effective. I could return to school with this new understanding & acceptance, working vigorously on an outpatient basis; OR, could enroll in residential inpatient treatment specifically for OCD, with lots of ERP—for the first time. I would prefer to return to school; I am impassioned by learning, and independence from my family, and would love so dearly to begin my adult life and earn my degree in physics. However, I am concerned, despite my newfound acceptance & understanding, that my return will be the same story as the entirety of my college career thus far: an incapacity to engage in school due to obnoxiously profound OCD. In other words, if I were to go back now, I'd be vigorously working on ERP, on an outpatient basis, but I'd essentially be starting at school with no guarantee that my efforts toward vanquishing OCD will be effective. My alternative option is to enroll in residential inpatient treatment and fully conquer my OCD, once and, hopefully, for all. Afterward, I would begin my adult life with more propensity to succeed and heightened vigor. However, I would need to accept a tainted college transcript (very difficult and saddening to me, having a history being a 4.0 student, and with some degree of perfectionism OCD); I would need to accept that I am not able to retake the classes I failed, because it would be irrational to wait one more year (next fall) to take those classes, when they're offered, instead of jumping straight into my college career after residential treatment. This is furthermore difficult because I plan to go to graduate school. I don't trust admission counselors' goodness-at-heart to overlook my profound challenges for the first 3 years of my college degree; I've had my heart set on Ivy universities my whole life, and I'm 100% certain if they would overlook my challenges, I'd succeed tremendously. Thank you for your advice.

Just a positive post for those who may need it tonight. I have been feeling very, very good about my current status dealing with OCD. It’s really crazy to finally feel like I’ve gotten ahead of my intrusive thoughts. I recently have found strength in accepting the uncertainty, which at first sounded like total bullshit. But now, I actually feel pretty good. I guess for me (really for anybody) dealing with uncertainty did not mean I had to accept my intrusive thoughts as a reality but I had to take away its potency by continuing to believe in what I always knew to be true and devaluing those stupid intrusive thoughts by stripping the feeling of anxiety away from them. Unfortunately I know that sounds like all advice to help defeat OCD but I really feel like that’s the only way to write it. I would constantly find new ways to make myself anxious , and feed my ocd. Which for about a year was just awful because I was in the initial stage of fear. I had no fight in me, everything in my world at the time seemed to have just flipped upside down. Work, family friends, everything felt so awkward and wrong which really gave me no time or courage to work on the ocd that was bothering me. In turn, I sat with those feelings ..constantly thinking about my fears, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. And in time after unwillingly analyzing those fears, I realized that ocd had its flaws and they were kind of easy to notice. I realized that there was really no other substance to my triggers other than the emotion of fear. 0 other emotion. true emotion. It’s easy to think yourself into believing that you’re feeling a certain way but in all reality the whole entire time you’re only feeling anxious. When you feel “happy” about a trigger or “excited”about a trigger you’re immediately anxiety ridden..why? Because those feelings aren’t real! They are exactly what you don’t want to feel, so you’re creating that emotion to test your ocd and see if it’s what you would “like” or how you feel deep down. It’s fucking crazy lol. I like to compliment myself and others and say anyone who is suffering with ocd has one thing to blame and that’s an intelligent brain. I mean being capable of thinking one million different variations of negative ideas and one million different variations of solutions to those negative ideas is kind of impressive, it’s like our brains are capable of working too hard. So really if that statement is true, with a little determination to learn your mind and callous it towards the ideas that may trigger you..anybody is capable of beating this bullshit mental illness. It starts with wanting to work, and then once you get that fire lit it is time to work. Do those ERP’s, do them with your therapist, do them on your own, don’t let that fucking feeling of anxiety touch you instead tell it you don’t give a fuck and you will continue to have those thoughts and act the way you want anyways. You are capable of living any life as long as you defy those anxiety ridden thoughts. And just like anything else failure is ok, there is a win in every failure especially if you remind yourself that. Continue to listen to what you want to believe , and pay attention but don’t react to the thoughts you hate. Your recovery starts when you want it to.

So tommorow I’m going to a psychiatrist and telling them what’s been going on & telling them some of my instrusive thoughts. Honestly idk how to feel about taking it. Bc I still want to engage in social activities like drinking and smoking every once in a while. Also my girlfriend’s birthday is coming up and I don’t wanna be a loser and not engage in any activities🙄.Also, me being a black guy asking for medication… we often get criticized for taking it. Any advice on medication and which one works best for you guys ?