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CONTAMINATION OCD: Hi all! I’m new to the app and I think I’m just looking for people who understand what’s going on. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 6, am now 19. It started as hoarding, but morphed into various subsets throughout my life. Of course all of it is hard, but this summer I developed contamination OCD and I have never struggled with any other subset like I do this one. I went through a break-up and soon realized I was uncomfortable wearing other peoples clothes, and then when my mom would kiss my forehead Goodnight, and it quickly spiraled into any spit, blood, bodily fluid, etc. I then got to my second year of college a couple weeks ago, and it has spiraled more than I could’ve ever imagined. I love my roommate/friend, but I can’t go on her side of the room. I can’t have anyone touch me or my things and I am drenching everything, even my face/lips with alcohol, hydrogen peroxide, hand sanitizer all of the time. I’m starting OCD-specialized treatment next week, and it’s hard to not feel hopeless bc I can’t imagine this ever going away due to how severe it has gotten. I miss hugging people and curling up on my roommates bed at night to debrief. I’m having nightly breakdowns about it, and I cannot thank her enough for how understanding she has been. I miss physical touch, even high fives, and I just don’t feel like a person. Can someone who has experience with contamination OCD give me some kind of hope? I just want to feel human again.

I deal with many types of OCD such as harm OCD, self-harm PCD, Pedophilic OCD, and possibly Relationship OCD. Well today was a fairly easy day for OCD. Until I swung by my parents house to pick up laundry. I've made tremendous progress with my OCD and the POCD. Two years ago, I thought I would never be able to talk, or hug a child. It's still hard but I can do it. Tonight, I was getting ready to leave my parents and I was just leaning over the counter on my phone and in front of me was my family eating at the kitchen table. There was my mom, dad, brother, brothers Gf, and Gf's kid. The kids' back was facing me and she was kneeling on the chair leaning over the table wearing a dress and I just looked up and made eye contact with the end of the dress. For me, or anyone with POCD, we don't enjoy any of this. To me, it's torture. I didn't see anything but when I left and got into my car I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. I instantly felt like a monster. I felt like I should isolate and no longer be around my family. I felt undeserving to be apart of the family. I accepted the cards I've been dealt a long time ago which has made working through the ocd easier but tonight was the first time in a long time I played the "why me?" Game. I cried, screamed, and hit my steering wheel the whole way home out of pure hatred towards the OCD. I asked myself, "how could anyone love me?", "How can God love me?", and thought good thing I'm single because no woman could ever accept what I go through. Well, one woman did, but my R-OCD drove that relationship away. At the end of the night, I have to dig into my tools. I have to "ride the wave". I HAVE to. I know tomorrow will bring a new day. I know that I am loved by many and that it is my OCD wanting me to feel like a monster. Someone mentioned to me trying to write a "goodbye letter" to the OCD. I've wrote a poem once and that really helped but this time I am so angry towards my OCD. I hate it so much. I asked myself tonight "Why can't I live a normal life like everyone else?". A question I feel many of us have asked ourselves. But I know I am blessed with the life I have. God has blessed me with my family and friends. He lead me to counselors who saved my life. He led me to NOCD where I found the best counselor in the world. Sad I am no longer seeing her due to my insurance not being accepted but I am still working. I don't like using the word "normal" because we are normal. Our OCD doesn't make us "monsters" or any less than anyone else. Guys, if you do read this, I apologize that is was not an easy read. But I feel I can share what I go through on here because no matter what type of OCD we all deal with, we can relate. I love you all and I'm proud of you guys. We are on this app and that is a huge plus. NOCD is a blessing. Guys, let's keep working. We can and WILL get through this. ❤️.

Just gotta vent bc jfc am I so tired of this. Needa let it off my chest yu know ?? I'm so sick and tired of all these things. I can move on and be like ah who cares about that thought, it isn't real, trust me. And then BAM new false memory. Idk if anyone else gets it like me but I mean I always feel alone in these things. Heres how mine goes. An example will be last night. I'm cleaning my room. I decide to clean my desk. Sit on my chair. Stand up. Look at my chair. My mind immediatey goes "something happened here with someone younger." Then it'll show me sitting down holding a child, ok so theres me holding a child now what mind ? Oh ok now my mind is telling me I did something to that younger person. Great. And it seems real because its a major possibility ? Great thank you and whats this ? Oh anxiety ? GREAT this is great and because uncertainty is so good for false memory, it'll continue. And continue. And continue. Idk I'll just look at things, places, people. Example again would be a bathroom. I've brought someone in there. I see someone younger oh you've done this to them, hered a memory. I had a harmless memory recently that felt like those false memories which really like scrapped them all away almost instantly LMAO even though that harmless one I'm still trying to figure out but eh lets see if I get another harmless one but who cares. Now though what I also get are like ideas ? In a sense. So right now again I saw people younger than me, I am VERY afraid of bumping into them because I got a false memory that I did something to one of them at my work recently (god if I could check cameras I would). But again the harmless thought felt exactly like that and how there woukd just be a simple image in a sense but nothing is happening. Anyways back to the false idea. My mind is now saying I have bumped into younger people in the past, I've said sorry, they believe that I am sorry so they don't think twice about it, BUT MY INTENTIONS were for something terrible. Yeah. So this isn't a memory, its an intention I would constantly "do." And because its something I would "do" I obviously wouldn't remember much because it would have been a habit. They would not know, their parents wouldn't know. No one around would know. And I'm also getting it with my best friends sibling with this so its like so hard to not fucking confess on these shits. I know if I talk to them about it they'll be on edge too. Ugh. I will say alot of my false memories/thoughts/ideas would be of things hidden that no one would ever know sooo yeah. I just hate this really. I really freaking wish I got that certainty that I never did these things. That I know myself. Idk its hard. But anyways just had to vent. Hope everyone's day went well, what did you guys do today ? 🫂💕

It feels like the ocd has gotten to a point where it's just there in the background at all times. Even if im not having some POCD related thought it's like it's just taken away a part of me I feel i can't get back. I still go through the motions and try to joke around and be silly like i would normally. But its just hard to always feel this anxiety and uncertainty in the background. Sure, i can handle it. But what is that worth when you're just handling a slow persistent torture. Everywhere i go it's like i can't connect, seeing others happy and seemingly carefree makes me feel like an alien. Every morning for 8 months the OCD pops in within the first minute of the day. Doesn't have to even be a thought around POCD, though it usually is. Its just the general thought that i have this thing that i can't seem to get rid of and its making me a lesser version of myself. And on top of it all, i can't truly know if its OCD. Since its more "Pure-O" it feels hard to relate to others and their experiences with OCD. Just such a damn mess. This has happened before with other themes but this POCD thing feels like a demon on steroids.

I have the most awful thoughts about my boyfriend and I’m so scared he’s going to leave me and he is one of the top most important things in my whole life. He is not just my boyfriend. He is my life partner and the father of our daughter. He is truly my everything. But I have such bad thoughts/feelings that make me feel a type of way and I feel like I start to truly believe and I’m horrible for that.

I’m worried I don’t do compulsions and therefore don’t have ocd ? What would class as compulsions for hocd ?

Hi everyone - having a pretty bad episode currently and can’t eat/sleep. On Thursday, I went out with my boyfriends friends and got a little too drunk. I remember getting to the bar and I made it home safely, I just don’t remember the in between. (I know the consequences of alcohol and OCD - this was an accident and will be avoided!) On Friday morning, I woke up in intense distress that something happened with one of his friends at the bar - so much so false (or real??) flashes of a memory popped in my mind. I can’t tell if it’s OCD again or real this time. Cheating ocd is a common theme for me but still feels really scary and real. I’ve avoided asking the guy bc that could come off bad/crazy or remind him it actually happened if it did?? But the guy liked my IG story and a post and it’s sent me spiraling. I feel (and my friends I’ve asked feel) if something actually happened I’d be confident that I did something bad and have heard something by now but what if the information is being hidden? I’ve been running all around on Reddit, forums google etc. for answers if it’s OCD. am I just faking the OCD fear to absolve myself of doing something bad? Is it real this time? It feels really bad and scary but I haven’t heard anything? It’s getting a bit better but is my mind just hiding it from me? Any tips? Please help. Would I know for sure if this happened? Would someone tell me? Help.

Can someone tell me their false memory’s combined with hocd ?

my ocd has had one of its worse spikes yet, I feel constantly anxious no matter what I do and my brain won't shut up even for a moment, I genuinely don't know what to do, I feel like I'm stuck. how do I make this a little more bearable?

I’m dealing from depression from my ocd, aside from that I have really bad anxiety and a lot of other life problems. I thought I was doing well at work, I’ve obviously been told about a few things that I’ve done wrong but overall I felt I was doing really well, but turns out I’m not which made me very upset because I’m doing my best but it’s still not enough, it’s also not the first time it happens at a job, which means I’m the problem, but I don’t know how to fix it, I’m genuinely doing my best giving it my all, I’m not lazy at all, and it’s still not enough. I’m tired of existing honestly ocd was already a problem for me and now I’m failing at life. I honestly can’t anymore…

I feel a lot more calm than I did a week ago, and I know I am not gay or bi, but since I’m not having full blown panic attacks or crying, I’m now anxious that I was just in denial? Idk, deep down I know I only ever want to be with a man, but it’s almost like the anxiety gave me comfort that I’m straight. I still have false attraction but even then I know deep down that it’s just not true, but it makes me uncomfy. I hope this makes sense, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel after learning about how my brain works and calming myself. Anyone else experience this?

something i struggle a lot with is the belief that i’m a bad person deep down and i’m waiting for other people to realize it. i had a former friend who tended to confront me about things she was mad about a lot and it made me really paranoid about how she saw me and solidified the fact that i was a bad person. eventually the fear centered entirely around her and i used to look at her socials and reread our old messages to look at things i said constantly to make sure she wasn’t mad at me/that i wasn’t a bad person. is it possible for ocd to latch onto a specific person like that outside of rocf?

Please dont judge me. I'm struggling really hard. Don't even know how to continue my life. I experienced having urges and why I want to do that. I had a intrusive thought of carrying and hugging my son in a sexual way. Asking myself why I want to do that???I wanted to get rid of this feeling. And I remember I said to myself. I used to carry him and hug him before without the thought of any sexual thing or malice. And then I tried doing the thought. Then i said to myself Maybe i can do that because i dont feel any sexual thing so the thought and feeling will stop. Then i did. I hugged him very tight and carry him although not exactly the same with my intrusive thought. I swear to God. I didn't feel any sexual thing.and I believe I didn't do anything sexual because I didnt feel any arousal or what. And if i really did something sexual i should felt pleasurable and not feeling distress of getting rid of the feeling. Then the my feeling calm down.but after analysing of what I did. I feel so guilty. I feel like a bad mother. I feel like I molested my son.. I dont have any intention of harming my son. I just wanted that feeling to go away. This was happened a year now. But still I feel guilty ashamed I can't even look at my son. I just want to go back to my normal life. I dont know if what I did is also a compulsion or what? I can't forgive myself. I dont want to go jail. I didn't mean any sexual. 😭😭😭😭😭

i saw a picture of a pretty girl on instagram just now and the first intrusive thought that came to my mind was me saying i would love to *insert the most horrible sexual abusive thing* to her. i am absolutely disgusted with my brain and i want to throw up. why would i even get that thought. i’m not even sexually active and would never do ANYTHING to hurt anyone. i get the worst sexually intrusive thoughts and it makes me feel awful because that is just not me. but my ocd makes me feel like it is. i don’t want to think like this anymore. why does my ocd make me suffer in this way. i would take any other form of ocd over this. does anyone else get these intrusive thoughts or is it just me

I feel so convinced it’s not ocd and I try to remind myself it is but it’s extremely hard and I’m so exhausted trying to fight my ocd and tell it that the things it’s telling me aren’t true because they’re starting to feel so real and I hate it but I’m not anxious anymore I think I’m just tired and trying to accept these thoughts or feelings but it’s so hard I just want to feel like myself again and be in a relationship without over thinking everything (suffering with Tocd and soocd and am a girl and want to be a girl) but this is all so hard I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore and I’m trying to get used to how things are now so I can just try and live but i feel like I can’t or when I feel like my old self it feels wrong and I get anxious and now I just feel like I’ll be alone forever because I don’t want to be with girls but I feel like I can’t be with a guy anymore I don’t want to live with this anymore I’m so tired of my head and my brain I hate this so much

Exposure Went and sat next to males in the library Ok I allowed the thoughts in I liked thoughts (even though I don't) I'm scared because I don't have anxiety My mind went to how I was before I shouldn't have to be dealing with this junk My anxiety is kinda there but still like ohh f off Then think of how I was before and when will my Joy for hobbies come back I don't want to be gay I'm scared I'm not really doing reassurance therefore I have to create reassurance to make sure it's ocd Watches the trailer for broke back mountain and some scenes Felt uncomfortable And thought if I didn't have that though back feb 22 I wouldn't be in this position I'm frustrated because I want my love for hobbies to come back I can't concentrate I'm pissed off because I don't enjoy the same things I did before and feel like I'm going through the motions instead of living it Do a bit of ERP again and get pissed off there still there This is so frustrating I want to go back to how I was I just want my love for hobbies and interests to come back I'm so angry at my brother and family for making me wait around for a wedding I didn't want to go to and I wanted to go overseas You have no anxiety therefore it must be real God this is confusing Why am I not enjoying this like I use to I look at social media and just wish to go back before Feb 22 I'm pissed off I want to move on with life When I spoke to mum and she said she had a lot on her mind..... I'm pissed off because I feel like I'm using all my energy to get through the day to just do basic things. And that annoyed me more because it was her word's that caused it 30th Ok so I have to keep moving forward but Jesus Christ it's hard I'm still getting the thoughts and reacting like get stuffed, which I know is incorrect but it's tiring Get frustrated because I want to move overseas Look at work out videos like why can't I get back to that I look at dates on social media and think I wish I could go back to then It's tiring still getting them I wanna sort this out before going back to my old self Unwanted image's in my head while thinking of being with mie Doubting thoughts like you don't want this I'm pissed off because I want to get better so I can move to Denmark The stress of moving overseas flared up alongside the intrusive thoughts If I didn't have ocd I would be further along in life and it's very tiring at times I'm trying to use the emotional part of the brain to allow it but tiring Then get frustrated because I feel like my dream is slipping away It's like I've gotta figure out how to get better so the depression can lift and get back into life When I wake up the thoughts are not as bad but still thinking when will I get better and not have the thoughts Why am I not enjoying my hobbies, I have to get rid of this , I know I can't get rid of it but I'm sick of it sticking around, it's so frustrating The hocd come without anxiety, please piss off . I get fucking annoyed that the brain is still sending this same stupid message.

Has anyones ROCD been so bad that they broke up with their partner? Or they didn’t realize they had ROCD and broke up with their partner? I did and I feel alone in this aspect.

it is so weird .. like before last year i never knew what ocd or intrusive thoughts were. i never had them or was worried about them. but it took one horrifying intrusive thought that changed everything for me .. now it’s like recurring over and over .. i just wish it could go away . i wish i never had it. i miss my old self :(

I've had Pure OCD for a while. Mostly sexual or harmful stuff. But now that the summer break is over I'm back in the university, I study music. My guitar(my main instrument) is perfectly fine, also is my playing, but something always feels off, and I get anxious that I sound like crap or that my guitar might be damaged(it's a new guitar and it is expensive). Everything is fine, but in my mind something always feels wrong, there is always doubt. I hate this feeling so much, any tips on how to calm this?

I’m in my car crying so much just crying for help. Everything feels so scary and full of doom. I can’t do this anymore 💔