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I feel the right thing to do is own upto my rape memory/thought, It was when I was intoxicated and walking home on my own I feel I grabbed someone and committed an awful act on them. What shall I do

Can anyone give any advice please IS IT POSSIBLE TO CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVEN’T DONE? HOW CAN A THOUGHT/FEELING SEEM SO REAL IF ITS NOT REAL? When you have thoughts/think that you have done something bad in the past to someone ,but you are sure you haven’t and never would. One minute you say to yourself no I would never do such a thing and then you say what if you did as the feelings/thoughts feel so real. The thoughts/feelings sometimes are so convincing you have done something to someone but you truly believe you haven’t , you even question what if there is proof of this happening like recordings and that’s where the constant checking starts. Is this false memory or is it something else?

Still new to learning about my OCD. Learning relationship OCD is something I have lived with from a very young age. I am also finding my triggers are more so now that I have adult problems (real life issues), financials, kids, marriage, all the adulting crap lol. My first question I guess would be has anyone ever found, if their obsessions were getting more prominent in life, did you find you were experiencing more compulsions than normal and new compulsions? I feel like I need my home tidy and clean to help keep my head clean of one of my many mom chores so I can focus on other things. If that made any sense. Also, does anyone find help and a little mental peace (especially with a toddler and 11 year old also with adhd and NVLD) using “plant medicine” 🍃? Is that the wrong direction?

When i was younger in my twenties especially i did some things i really feel guilty of.. I have false memories of things but some things i think happened and they go against my values... I cant stop feeling guilty and thinking im a bad person.. I wish i could turn back time but i cant... I ruminate all the time and i get trigered by a Million things...

Sorry in advance for the long post. I had a conversation with my mother a while ago, where she was trying to help me with something that could either be false memory or real event (at the time I thought it was completely real and didn’t want to even think about the possibility of it not being real because “that would be cheating and would make me a horrible person” but in hindsight there is a possibility it’s false) and anyways, that wasn’t the point. I was talking to my mom, and she made a comparison to a character I really loved, by saying “well this character probably does cuz’ and you still really like him” which made me spiral even further because that character would never ever do what she said and I didn’t want to think about that character doing that, and what she gave an example of was way worse than what might’ve happened with me. But I got over it. (My mother ended up telling me that, no, she doesn’t believe that character would actually do that, she was just trying to make me feel better/ find something to relate to or hold on to) but now I’m obsessing over the fact that her example was worse than my memory, and the fact that she thought that would make me feel better. The current thoughts are “does she really think I’m that level of scum?” And “if she thinks that you are equal to that character doing THAT, then what you might’ve done is just as bad”. And I really don’t know what to do because on some level I think I agree a tiny bit.

My partner was high and so was I and he just said “is this real like is this really real” and my theme right now is I’m convinced I’m in a dream or not real and this is a false reality or something, I had therapy early today and that helped so much and then I was feeling hopeful that i was gonna get better and the theme was going away and then he said that and I’m spiraling, please help

I’m 54 yrs old and had my first episode at 17. Didn’t know what it was at the time. Intrusive thoughts that made me feel like I had lost my mind. It’s continued off and on since then. But just recently found out I have ocd. I was too stubborn or embarrassed to ever admit or ask for help. Anyway, when this is triggered and I get chronic severe anxiety that lasts months I get these symptoms and wanted to see if anyone else experiences these? Severe memory loss from recent events. Even feeling like I don’t know people. A numbness always on the left side of my face. Extreme ear ringing. Feeling like my head is in a vise, but not a real headache. I was just curious. The memory thing is a real issue for me and makes my anxiety worse. These physical symptoms always go away when my anxiety is gone but it’s concerning to me. Please share any similar experiences. Hope everyone has a great weekend. Jeff

I feel like I’m going crazy and second guessing everything rn. I keep wondering if I did or said anything racist and I just can’t remember or I did and i didn’t acknowledge it. I feel like people at my school hate me or are ignoring me. I don’t know how to get out of this endless loop of doubting myself. I know I would never do such a thing but I keep second guessing myself. Im starting to believe I’m a terrible person and I don’t know how to prove myself otherwise.

My ocd always makes me think the worst and tells me that the only explanation for things is that I did something horrible. I had an incident many years ago that has made my life miserable. I guess it’s a real event and possibly false memory as well. When my son was little he would crawl into bed with me alot. One morning I got up and he was still asleep. I put my daughter on the school bus and went back upstairs to my room and he was awake sitting up wrapped in the blanket. I said good morning and told him to come downstairs with me and get breakfast like I always did but when he got out of bed he didn’t have his underwear on. I yelled at him demanding to know why he took his underwear off. He was 2 or 3 and he pointed at me and yelled “You!”. My ocd immediately kicked in and made me think the worst that I must have done something horrible to him in my sleep. Why would he say that? 😪. At the time I didn’t think too much of it though because toddlers randomly do weird things and take their clothes off and they yell back or blame you because they don’t like getting in trouble or getting yelled at so I shrugged it off but out of nowhere all these years later my ocd brought this back up. Since it’s been so long my memory has faded so my ocd adds more “evidence” and tells me things like maybe I was drinking and did something to him and just don’t remember. I try to think of all the scenarios that could have happened as to why he took his underwear off but my ocd won’t let anything make sense except that I did something horrible and I can’t live with that uncertainty like other people can. It makes me not want to be alive anymore 😞

So I study film in high school and decided to make a film for my class on awarness on ocd and it's informative and covers many subtypes, mostly taboo thoughts. I covered probably every taboo subtype you can imagine on there, one of them being pocd. There's a part when I set examples of intrusive thoughts that feel more like urges and commands and I put an example saying "I'm going to grope the first child that walks past me". I got reported by a student to the counselors of my school and the counselors called me in not only for my safety but the safety of others. They said that they wanted to know if I was ok and then they wanted my therapist's information to make sure I would be ok after graduation. I gladly gave them her info knowing that this was for my own good and to inform them on ocd's scary reality. I got a call from my therapist last night telling me that the counselors shared my script with her and they were considering removing me from being of reach of children in my internship which is also my job. This is a huge deal for me not only because that job is my only form of income that I've been using to support my family but because I plan on majoring in education and becoming a teacher and have been working with children for years and I want to be a good teacher. This could literally run the risk of me being reported to the police and could open up a criminal record, possibly preventing me from moving forward in my career in child caretaking and education. I'm reasonably freaking out and she tells me that they will talk to me in the morning at school so I out of fear of losing my job and fucking future get to the main office to speak to them. I had made a gc with people that ik that have ocd that will be in my film and told them that I had been reported and needed back up and one offered to go with me to the office. When we get there the counselors tell us that I'm the only one allowed and speak to me in private. I'm angry and horrified bc they literally believed me on Monday when we met and then go behind my back to tell my therapist that I'm not supposed to be around kids bc I'm dangerous for sharing an informative example of pocd. Above all of this, in the script I never stated what MY obsessions were so they were the ones assuming that I had pocd of all the subtypes that I had mentioned. That was when they told me that my therapist had seen the example on pocd and told them that the fact I'm around children in a situation that can be triggering is BAD FOR ME EVEN THOUGH IT'S AN EXPOSURE AND HAS HELPED ME AND SHE WAS THE ONE THAT TOLD THEM TO GET ME AWAY FROM KIDS. She therefore implied to them that I have pocd WITHOUT my consent and this made the school remove me from my internship at my job. I go to get paid outside of school hours but for the time I'm in school I'm not allowed to be there bc my therapist shared information that I never gave them permission to share AND must think that all the exposures mean nothing bc they're too "triggering" for me and it can "make me suffer more". I met up during lunch with my film cast with ocd and they listened to most of it before I could finish but they kept telling me to report her to the medical board and to the conpany she works for because she broke confidentiality. How do I go about this?

Every day I make the choice to face OCD. It tries to bully me and sometimes it wins, but for the most part I bully it now (lol). I stand up to it by LIVING! I stand up to it by doing exposures that sometimes can feel so wrong and irresponsible. I stand up to it by not allowing myself to get stuck in rumination but yet refocusing on something I actually want to do. I stand up to it by saying I don’t know and just embracing the uncertainty that what I fear just may come true. I stand up to it by sharing what I’ve been dealing with in hopes that it will help someone to know that sometimes you need therapy and Jesus! Some days are easier than others and I truly have to remind myself that recovery isn’t linear. Life ebbs and flows and so does this journey. I am learning to sit with the anxiety until my body naturally calms down. I still go about my life as usual not letting anything stop me. I face things that surround the themes I deal with in real time. Uncertainty isn’t comfortable and I’m still learning how to accept it. Im still learning how to accept these random thoughts that go against who I am while also understanding they don’t define who I am nor are they true. I’m a believer in God and this is truly a process of renewing my mind. For 35 years I had no clue that OCD was there. I just found out last February because things had got so dark for me. But I can look back now and see signs of it starting around 2014 and probably even earlier. I’m claiming that I am already healed in the land of the living. What that looks like, I have no clue. That’s up to God. But I’m trusting the process and I will continue to thrive. Even on days that feel rough, I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. My prayer is that we all see breakthroughs as we continue to go through ERP. I’m so thankful for NOCD and that there are tools to help us navigate our way through this. Despite the lies of OCD, there is light at the end of the tunnel! Stay encouraged. We got this!

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭

My false memory is of me assaulting another human and to make it worse it has a real detail being a towel radiator. I tried to guess what I would’ve been leaning on if I was standing in a specific place in a room I went in yearsss ago and I kinda just guessed a towel radiator and to my shock looking back at the old pictures I got it right…I don’t remember assaulting anyone though? It’s scaring me as yes the towel radiator was there but I do not recall harming another human it’s sooo against my nature even drunk. So now my ocd is using that towel radiator against me saying my whole false memory must be real as it has a real detail? I know it’s probably laughable to some people but my whole life is being ruined right now by a radiator. I’ve spoken to a therapist who kept saying she didn’t really understand what it’s got to do with the false memory. My family and partner keep assuring me I would never do that and to just move on. So why can’t I move on?! Anyone dealt with anything remotely similar?

I start therapy tomorrow again and I'm honestly petrified to discuss my real event OCD. Even tho it happened when I was like 6 and people are telling me I'll be fine, I'm still terrified I did COCSA and I'll be reported for it. My OCD is even telling me people told me it's OK because they think I deserve to be reported. I dont know how to get over the fear. But not talking through it makes it feel worse to.. im so anxious.

I always get images of things that I severely don’t want to have. It gets better as the day goes on but I feel that whenever I make mistakes or there’s an accident (for instance my fingers accidentally grazed a students “area” when I was trying to get my pen) make me feel insanely guilty and that I want to hurt myself to compensate. For that instance I told my boss right away and she didn’t make it a big deal because it was such a swift and accidental occurrence, but that moment kept/keeps replaying in my head and I feel like a monster. Also, when I let a student use my phone to look at a picture for reference (art project) there was a search I made about birth control and how to know when to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t think much of it because I have absolutely nothing bad in my phone, but now I feel like I might be some groomer or monster. I definitely should go back to therapy but I just want to see if anybody had similar experiences/fears.

Intoxicated I believe I done a horrific crime (r*pe) to a lady walking by when I was walking home on my own, evidence starting to come alight to me more and more like I had a two cuts in my knuckles & a scram on my chest, I found underwear in my laundry basket with a stain in but don’t know if that’s from that night 80% positive it was, I use to have OCD as a teen but thought it went but all the mix of alcohol I’m unsure what to do next however nothings came of the night, what shall I do next?

I wish there was an option for a real event ocd support group or meeting or perhaps even the option to get therapeutic help not only with the ocd aspect of the real event but also to help us with the actual real events themselves. For instance, a therapist that can assist us in understanding why we did what we did and to help us move forward while being aware of the ocd component involved to avoid making that aspect worse. I think that the fact that this subtype involves real events not just thoughts/feelings/sensations, creates an additional aspect that makes everyone with this subtype feel alienated. It isn’t just a thought or a feeling or a sensation for us. We did things we probably shouldn’t and we need help addressing that aspect. This is not to imply that this subtype is worse than any others because every subtype is horrible…ocd is horrible. We just need help with this extra aspect. I would give anything to get this kind of help. I am struggling so much with the bad choices I made in the past. I wish there was someone I could speak to that could understand that more needs to be addressed than just the ocd in this subtype for me.

(I want this to be the first in a series of post that I’ll be making of my experiences. This will be the first time I truly share the horrors of my life. This may be difficult to read for some people but if your interested follow me and the series. Maybe we’ll build a little community out of this. Anyway thanks for reading) I have a very confusing mental relationship with my family. What I mean by that is idk how I truly feel about my family and I don’t understand the random feelings I get in difficult family situations. There’s a lot to unpack. There’s years of abuse and manipulation but I’ll just be converting a portion here. I also don’t mean that in the cliche social media I want attention way either I seriously mean abuse and manipulation in my family, it’s been like that since I was very young. Currently my mom’s kicking my dad out of the house. She just bought a new home and there’s no room for him, they’re separated and don’t sleep together. In our current living situation he sleeps on the couch but in our new one mom won’t allow that. My dad is actually my step-dad, he’s 6’9 400+ big dude, I never knew my biological father the man’s an enigma, but my step-dad appeared when I was 5 and he lacked a lot of things that make a dad a good dad. He had no empathy nor compassion, was extremely stern and unforgiving, a very do as I say not as I do kinda guy. He was also an extreme disciplinary and used very aggressive yelling and threats of not just whooping but to actually beat us like really mess us up. I say us because once my younger sister were born he did it to them too. He did this to attempt to keep us in line. Wither our actions actually warrant it or not. My dad doesn’t drink either he’s just the way he is. It’s been 16 years since his arrival in my life and I’ve suffered severe psychological affects from him. Yet after all he’s done which includes cheating on my mom, he’s getting put out and I can’t hello but get this deep inner feeling of heavy sadness. I don’t speak much to him and I keep my head down around him I never look at him. We have passing conversations and I perk up and act like everything’s fine In attempt to not raise suspicion on my feelings. I just walk around silent, but the silence is like screaming for me. I can’t even imagine how this is effecting my little sisters if it’s ripping me up like this. My older sister finds it funny and tells me what he and mom talk about or what she overhears. She recently told me three things she heard my dad say while talking with my mom. Each thing was from different conversations in different days and I think that fact made it worse for me for some reason. First she told me he said in regards to mom getting a new home he asked “Is there anything for me to sign?” My mom replied simply “No” he then said “I wish there was something for me to sign” That may not sound like much but I can just imagine how much that hurt him cuz I know it would hurt me. Secondly I was told he said “You make it sound like I can’t stay with y’all” At that point I realized he may get kicked out and that made me feel like I was sinking I instinctively disassociated and sunk within myself. I couldn’t make sense of what I was feeling. Lastly I actually heard this one from my mom and sister. My sister told me my mom sent him a list of apartments he should get cuz there’s no room for him in the new house. Then later that day my little sister asked my mom “where’s dad going to sleep?” My mom hung her head and just said “idk”. This man the guy who growing up I promised to never be like and if I became a father I’d be the dad I always wanted. The man I’d sit and cry, hiding from and learning exactly what his footsteps sound like to avoid him, I’m feeling sad for? It’s really only partial sadness but that sadness is heavy. Not seeing him around knowing he’s just out there somewhere maybe in the streets or living in a bad neighborhood idk. This whole thing it’s effecting me more than I thought it would and I’m just so uncomfortable. Idk what a home feels like so I’ve already never felt like I was home, I was just in a familiar place but things feel foreign now. I feel guilty in a way for everything. Maybe if I wasn’t so soft and affected by his actions maybe he’d still be part of the family. My OCD really loves to feel on that subject and it makes dealing with all this way harder. Thanks for reading pt 1 of me opening up. Ik it’s long but if you enjoy some reading please follow along.

Everyday is a struggle just to get out of bed. My mind attacks me day and night with no mercy. I have flashback like images that feel uncannily real of the past and things OCD is worried about. The other problem is I have a great memory and it makes how real and the remembrance even more horrifying. I keep hoping for a miracle but question do I ev n deserve one at my mid life age. God bless everyone and I hope you at least get better. I’ll keep praying for a healing of my own.