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the NOCD Community

Good morning, I'm new here, actually unsure of how I got here. I imagine I was searching for answers/support and clicking on links led me here. Nonetheless, I've looked around and read quite a few posts. I feel like I may have actually stumbled onto something here...perhaps it's wishful thinking, that I may have actually found a helpful group to overcome my ocd. I haven't seen my "Subtype" listed. Or I haven't noticed, rather. Long story short, I've suffered from debilitating anxiety/panic attacks for over 25 years. I was also Dx with ptsd and ocd. Not sure what my type of ocd falls under. I suffer from obsessive thoughts, worry. I worry about those close to me dying. I worry even more about myself dying. I honestly cannot remember the last time I actually enjoyed a day without unrealistic worry. Debilitating worry. I don't mean the normal daily hassles. I'd give anything to just have those. I also have a ritual of having to touch my bibles when I pray and making sure the bibles are under my pillows or beside my bed. If I don't touch them while praying, I worry something bad will happen to me or loved one. I don't wanna worry about these things anymore. I'm exhausted. I've so many questions here, not sure where to begin. How would one go about embracing their fears, if is about themselves or loved ones dying. Impending doom hovers me 24/7. Am I in the right place? If so, what "Type" of ocd is this? I've been on many different ssri for the majority of my life. They don't help. Why am I convinced I will die soon? I consider myself very spiritual. So, then I think God is not pleased with me because it would appear I've a lack of faith. I could keep going for hours. Someone please tell me I'm not alone on this and that complete healing is possible. Thank you in advance.

How do I tell if I’m in denial or if I may have rocd? It’s been getting really hard lately I’ve been getting a lot of thoughts about my girlfriend, but then I have little moments where all the thoughts and feelings just stop and I know I love her. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. If I didn’t really love her I wouldn’t want to keep going right? And I’m not scared to break up with her, I just don’t want to be without her I love her. I don’t get it.

I’m having a bad morning so far. I can’t stop thinking about those who have had SO OCD and then realised later that they are in fact gay. That’s my biggest fear. I don’t want to live a lie and be miserable. I want to be with my boyfriend, happy and free of this fear. I don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless. Im scared this all started and spiralled out from initial denial.

Does anyone doubt that they even have OCD at times? I feel this way when I have low symptoms or the intrusive thoughts aren’t as loud. I start to doubt everything and even when I’m feeling calm I feel uneasy. Like what if I’m crazy and I’m pretending to have OCD. 🤦🏻‍♀️ ( and even on the calm days I still have anxiousness as to why I’m not reacting to my intrusive thoughts). Just yesterday I was feeling awful and now I’m feeling calmer ??

False memories and POCD. I was left alone with my friends baby the other day for literally a couple of minutes and I was tickling her belly and she was smiling. I had a weird urge or thought, and I felt uncomfortable until her mum was back in the room. I had the thought "nobody wouldn't know". I didn't think much about it across the rest of the day, I was aware it was in the background, but yesterday I convinced myself I had rubbed her inappropriately. I've tried it on a soft toy, I've looked at photos and asked myself if I touched her, and the answer has been no each time, but my mind keeps telling me I'm an abuser. I feel like I'm going to die. I have been crying and sobbing for hours and I can't live with it. I don't want it to be true, I'm not an abuser, I would never do that. I feel like I can't trust my memory. I just want it to stop please please help me

I dont really reach out to others for help when I need it the most, but right now I am having a really tough time. And I dont mean like right now at 2:30 am, I have been struggling and really trying to keep it together for the past three weeks. A good friend( someone I have known since I was 4) is getting married this weekend and I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I am so used to not being invited to stuff by my so called lifelong friends but it really doesnt get any easier. I have almost three years clean, and struggle with depression, ADD, OCD, TRICH, and very high anxiety. I feel like since I have been this way people dont like me ( especially since I have gotten sober) and do not think I am fun or even a tolerable person to be around. Im supposed to be studying for my college exam but have absolutely no motivation and am so depressed. It is gettin harder and harder for me to plan my days or think about anything for the future I think bc subconsciously I dont see a point to any of it. It is really difficult to see pictures from that girls wedding all over social media, sadly I am used to that. What is really killing me is another good friend was at my house last week and I asked her if she was going to the wedding. She told me she wasn’t and felt bad when I told her about not getting an invite. But when I saw pictures of her there, it really tore me apart. I dont think I have any real friends, anyone close to I can really confide in. The cherry on top is my parents who I currently live with have very little patience and tolerance for me. Both of them constantly criticize and try to control me- I am 30! My mom also lashes out at me and is a bit verbally abusive- which is making me feel worse about myself. Like am I really that intolerable to be around or am I just everyones punching bag?! I just feel extremely hopeless and have no will to go on like this. I am sorry if this triggers someone I just need to get it out bc keeping it in is not helping.

Fuck, my friend told me that her crush kissed her today, and now my brain can’t stop telling me “you like her, feel sad!”, but shit, my brain does this with all my friends, I’ve had thirds thoughts with all of them, and omg I’m so tired of this, I can’t have friends anymore, I hate OCD.

All OCD themes are, at the end of the day, just OCD. And no theme is worse or easier than the other, as themes are related to our values, so whatever theme we have is going to feel excruciating. I want to vent a little about ROCD, though. I think I just need to let this out. It's so heartbreaking to have OCD attack your relationships. I believe that relationships of all forms are the most important thing in the world & are what make life meaningful. So to have OCD attack my experience with romantic relationships & connections is just so fucking painful. Do you know how much I wish I could just be like my friends or other people without OCD?? They don't get major anxiety about dating or liking someone or being in a relationship. They don't have intrusive thoughts about whether they find the person they're dating attractive or not. They don't question and question and question every little thought and feeling. They probably don't have low libidos. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffering. I start to think that it shouldn't be this hard. Dating & starting a potential relationship with someone shouldn't be so hard, but it is for me because of ROCD. And I can't talk to any of my friends about this because they don't understand OCD. If I tell my friends that I'm worried about whether I truly find the guy I'm dating attractive, they'd probably say that if I have to question it so much, then I'm probably not attracted to him. This is also another reason it's so difficult having ROCD. You just can't go to other sources who don't understand OCD & intrusive thoughts. Because going to them for answers or certainty or reassurance or to help you figure things out is a compulsion! But instead of telling you that there is no answer, they might say some triggering shit like trust your intuition or if you know, you know. And another thing that makes ROCD heartbreaking is that another person is involved. I feel like it's so common for us with ROCD to constantly feel like we're hurting our partners. I feel like I'm so hot & cold. I'm probably sending mixed signals to the guy I'm dating right now because sometimes I feel sure that I like him & other times I'm questioning it. It's the insidious nature of OCD. When we get those moments where there's little to no doubt, things are amazing. We feel great & start to think, wow I finally have certainty that I like/love this person. And that's such a trap because if we treat those moments as evidence against OCD, then we're still trapped in the obsessive-compulsive cycle. We have to accept uncertainty, which is so hard. We can enjoy those moments when there is little to no doubt, intrusive thoughts, or anxiety, but we can't use those moments as proof that our OCD is wrong. ROCD is just so complicated.

what do you guys typically do when ocd attacks you with hypothetical situations about the past. like if i would have done something bad in the past but even my ocd knows i didn’t do that thing?

Can someone have intrusive thoughts and not have OCD?

Hi, so I'm 13, and I am quite sure that I have OCD because I can relate to the symptoms of it, and it's like I've finally found that that everything I was experiencing is not just me being stupid and weird or something. But then there's this part of me that just keeps doubting that I have it, and I keep telling myself what if I dont have OCD and that I'm just over exaggerating. These doubts keep constantly appearing in my mind and it is really driving me crazy. Also, I feel like it has gotten worse recently, and I really don't know what to do. I'm so scared, and I really just want to tell my parents about it, and not keep hiding it, but I don't know how to, and I'm too scared and fearful to do that, particularly cuz they are not exactly the kind that are really aware of mental health and everything. I don't know what to do... (Thanks for reading and sorry for the lengthy comment, hope you have a great day)

Does anyone have any tips on how to stop ruminating? This is one of my biggest compulsions and its so hard to stop. I know saying maybe maybe not works, but I would like some other tricks as well. I think this may be why I've been having so much trouble with my exposures not creating much anxiety lately.

You know sometimes I feel really lonely. Even with this app and another chat for some reason when o spiral I can’t really find someone to talk to until I feel a bit better. I understand that everyone has their lives but I wish I had a friend that knows what I’m going through and that I could call and talk to about all of this. I feel alone.

Hey guys, I’ve been going through a really bad bout of Real Event, surrounding porn I used to watch as a kid and other gross stuff I’ve done, worst of which was when I was 12-14, I’m 19 now, and I’ve confessed everything to my family and best friend, they’ve all told me to let it go and to forgive myself. I was really anxious, but I’m happy they know it all now. I was talking to my mom more of my anxieties when all of a sudden, nothing felt real, I just talked to my mom and told her that I don’t feel real, and that it’s like I have amnesia, I don’t remember much of my past now, I’m also have false memory of watching things like cp, when I absolutely know I haven’t, my past feels so blurred. Even everything I did earlier today, I can’t remember to much, I feel really, really odd. It’s like I went blank. Has this happened to anyone? My life doesn’t feel real. I feel calm but on the edge at the same time, I felt like I wanted to pass out, but not anymore, I’m still just really confused. Please help.

//mention of possible contamination ocd and not eating regularly warning this is a huge post lol i tried to resist posting something on this app but ive bottled up too many things for far too long 😭😭🤠🤠 so uh i dont really know if i have some form of contamination ocd or not. i keep seeing stuff about erp and avoiding reassurance and stuff but i dont really know what else im supposed to do to fight off the Bad Thoughts ™ i feel like i dont have the willpower to expose myself to my fears on purpose right now. and im not currently in therapy and i dont know if we even have the money for that right now im feeling really anxious lately and i dont really leave my room or eat and drink often anymore because im scared of contamination. im not really worried about getting sick though i just dont like touching or being near gross things. im typing this post in anguish because i left my bedroom to find that there was cat poop on the floor in the living room and i feel like i need to shower even though i didnt touch it or anything, i just didnt shower and went to bed to type this so im wondering if my bed is contaminated now. im also slightly worried about the food i ate since it was in the living room for a short time. Eating food that was delivered to our house makes me nervous because i haven’t found out how to clean our patio/ front door area off so i can feel comfortable again. I feel the need to clean that area because we live in an apartment so thats where the cats nasty litter box gets cleaned out and uh yeah ew. ive tried cleaning up the cats litter box in the past at least once a day but i usually had trouble maintaining that because of my fear of germs combined with not scheduling my day properly. when we got the cat we agreed that me and my twin sister wouldnt clean the litter box because that stuff grosses us out too much, but everyone stopped cleaning it regularly and only emptied it out once a month and it started driving me crazy so i tried to clean it but yeah that didnt really work out. I feel like i cant really live with pets at this point in my life, like i cant even touch the cat and i sanitize everything that the cat touches because i cant remember the last time she was bathed, and i dont think i have it in me to bathe her myself. Getting rid if the pets is out if the question though and also i would be very sad if that happened, i still love them even if i cant really hang out with them these days. My mom also has kind of become a walking contamination ocd trigger for me, so i dont want to touch anything she touches if i can avoid it, which is a huge problem considering we live in the same house and she touches pretty much everything as one tends to do in their own home. I feel like im starting to be too controlling of my sisters and mom because of the contamination fears, but i dont know how to stop. i dont have my own money so i have to rely on my mom if i want to pay for therapy or something, but i have a feeling that wont really turn out well since theres so many other expenses we are behind on. at this point i dont really know how to function like a normal human being, much less clean up after pets and stuff. im stuck in my house all of the time so that makes it even worse, although i did recently apply for a job. I want to move out really badly and i feel like thats the only way to really solve my problems, but i am extremely broke, and theres also the problem of having no idea how to pay for college. if i were to move out id probably want to throw out as many belongings as possible because they would be associated with how disgusting my current living situation is. i had something similar to this before, but it wasnt as bad as it is now. I started having fears like this when i lived with my dad every 2 weeks. After my dad forced me to do something i was uncomfortable with, i started thinking differently and started washing my hands more, as well as associating thoughts with the distressing event. I was able to recover after we stopped living with him and I was fine for a while, and i started doing more chores and stuff and my mom was pleased with me, but i feel like i relapsed into that past mindset in a way and now every day feels like a struggle and i dont really do much anymore other than laying in my bed. honestly this is more of a vent post than anything else, i dont know what im expecting for this post, sorry for the atrocious grammar. i realize this turned into an essay that kind if goes all over the place and is probably hard to keep up with lol sorry about that

I had a very vivid intrusive image last night about my niece (11) after reading a romance story that was pretty bad and it really freaked me out because I got an intrusive thought immediately after saying something like “that turned you on didn’t it” or “your turned on aren’t you” and I immediately started bursting into tears telling it to go away. I hope it isn’t true. I feel sick. I dont want to be a monster and I don’t like it but unfortunately when I try to tell myself that, it feels real and that I’m in denial. I feel so much shame and guilt. I’m supposed to hang out tonight with friends and family and now I don’t want to because I feel like I don’t deserve to.

Is OCD my fault am I doing something wrong in life? Like I am a little sensitive and get irritated easily...is that y I have OCD is OCD purely serotonin imbalance or my behavior is the cause of ocd

I feel like I’ve done something so unforgivable I hate this so much I wrote a post talking about how I had the urge to masterbate after looking at my kid so I did and now I feel horrible the whole time I was trying to think about normal things but intrusive thought kept popping in my head I am so scared right now and my anxiety is through the roof I feel like the worst person on earth I want to just end it..

I hope someone's here for me. I'm at an extreme low. Passing thoughts of suicide exist. I don't think I'll act on it, I just don't know what to do. These past 5 months are enough for me to know what kind of person I am, and it's not good. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago. A lot of my friends are telling me I'm a narcissist and too rude with my humor. One of them advised that I should isolate myself from them until I learn to be a better person. Any joy I feel is undeserved. The shit I've seen because of this illness. There's things online that I think I've seen for a couple seconds that's genuinely incriminating. So why is there any compassion? Why am I here? Considering that back in July I'd look up bikini gifs on tenor to make sure I was straight, some of those gifs were tik toks. What if those people were underage? I can't bare this. My parents say there is nothing to worry about but they're liars. I don't wish this upon any other 15 year old. I am not a good person.

I keep having this pop up and it’s really bothering me and making me feel bad for a thought I had before my ocd came in bc it was Intentional :( and I feel like that’s proof that I really am a p… I just hate that I thought that but it feels like I’m those pedo who like it and feel bad bc they like it :/. And I’m not even sure bc I felt no arousal and idk the more I try to explain the more disgusted and bad I feel bc It feels like I’m making excuses abt when I feel like idk like that’s bad yk and idk it felt more like a compliment but I still feel like it was creepy and that I’m going to be like my abuser :( that way bc there can be p’s that don’t do anything to a child or just able to control themselves and not do anything and I don’t want to be that way :( I just feel like a terrible person and really feel like I’m becoming something I don’t want to be I feel so exhausted of this and im trying everyday to talk to my friends have a good time make memories but this is making me feel like im getting no where when the thoughts like this are the background just haunting me and thinking abt the future.. and im scared of saying the wrong thing abt these things bc now it’s my mind doesn’t care or it agreees to the opposite of what that person is saying abt a topic like that and I just feel so lost in identity like I’m kinda scared abt that :(, I hate this