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Hello! I am a new member. I am from Brasil! First of all, I wish all of you a happy new year and i hope to help wth my ocd treatment experience.

In March, I started suffering from sexual orientation OCD (a new theme for me). Basically, I became obsessed with a thought that I might be straight after randomly getting aroused by a woman in a movie. Prior to that, I had mainly suffered from health-related obsessions. My anxiety hasn't subsided. I keep questioning and checking. I've read books about OCD, listened to countless podcasts - nothing helps. I've never been so depressed and apathetic on New Year's Eve. I ended up relapsing because a thought popped into my brain that you cannot resist your urges. I ended up watching porn today "to check". I understand that the sense of urgency, inevitably, and uncertainty is typical for OCD but my brain won't negotiate (especially when I get an erection because of intrusive thoughts).

TW TW TW: SOOCD/HOCD/TOCD Hi. I'm really scared to write this rn but idk what to do. When I first had intrusive thoughts about "I'm gay" it made me so anxious, but then I tried to reason with them because I was like I mean ok it could make sense that I'm bi maybe? And I would check and check and it seemed like I liked girls and I actually really thought I did and that I was enjoying it and bam there was nothing for boys anymore. This really stressed me out. I avoided watching any movies/shows that triggered me specifically I remember I couldn't watch Hustlers for more than 5 min nor could I watch Magic Mike. I was constantly stalking people on IG that had come out after being straight all their life trying to find clues or comparisons. I ended up having to delete all social media because it became a huge trigger for me. This all was over the summertime. Then my boyfriend came home (he lives in cali and I am on the east coast) and everything was great and the thoughts weren't *as* present but I still feared this meant something about us and from time to time intrusive thoughts would pop up when I was with him. Fast forward a couple months; I was with my friends and there was a tweet that said "if you're bi why is your phone case clear" and a couple of my friends that were in the car are bi and they were laughing and were like "wait you have a clear phone case too right?" I didn't realize how bad this triggered me until I was up all night distressed about why she thought I was bi when I've never told her that, then the next day I felt like I HAD to tell my boyfriend. It was this urge I just needed to get it out I couldn't hold it in any longer. I felt so guilty and just so confused I didn't know what was happening to me anymore. I called him and I told him I thought I was bi, he said he loved me and always will and obviously won't leave, but he was really confused! And when he said that, I was like me too I'm just as confused as you. I was expecting some sort of huge relief but I got none and still was just questioning everything. Then I was hit with TOCD around thanksgiving and the experience with that was a lot different than mine with HOCD. It seemed to be a lot more intense; the intrusive thoughts about that were there 24/7. And during this time all I could think was "why can't the thoughts about being lesbian come back" !! My brain tried to twist and turn everything "you thought you were lesbian at first because you were trying to cover up the fact that you are a straight man" and at the time... it felt so real that it almost made sense. I guess in my anxious state I try and reason with anything to just try and make it make sense. Before the TOCD, I hadn't googled or researched anything because I was too scared the results were going to come up saying I was my biggest fear. So I steered clear and tried to just "figure it out" (lol obviously a huge mistake, wish I would've known about this sooner). & once I googled intrusive thoughts; I saw everything I had been experiencing and finally felt some relief (but not really). Anyways, I'm now struggling again because I'm worried because I thought I liked it at first means it was true. Everyone's experiences are filled with disgust or an immediate sense that somethings terribly wrong and mine wasn't like that. I feel like it's all muddled because In the past I had been like, "yeah, I think I would hook up with a girl one day!" so those thoughts actually felt like they could be real. Idk. I realize I probably just sound like I'm in denial 😞I feel like I'm desperately trying to connect my HOCD w TOCD when they could be separate. One could be OCD and one could be real. Sometimes I feel like this person my brain has created would enjoy things, but if I were to step back into reality as my old real self, I would never do these things I have my appointment w a psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm not looking for reassurance, I just wanted to get this out because I have been stressing out. Could this also be a compulsion? Lol I feel like I can't do anything right. If you're still reading, thank you & happy New Year's Eve <3

Does anyone know if you just develop OCD out of nowhere? I have been dealing with stress and grief and I’ve always had a tendency to have some anxiety but always manageable. In the past few months anxiety has been really high. I was put on Xanax and then Ativan for a total of 4-5 weeks during that time my anxiety seemed to worsen and insomnia worsen, then I tried zoloft for a week and with that and the meds I suddenly got intrusive harm thoughts ever since then (been 3 or 4 weeks) and I’m also off meds now the thoughts got slightly better but I feel a lot of shame and guilt from them and the theme of them were so disturbing. I thought this means that it might happen and that’s what’s been really bothering me for several weeks now. I didn’t know this kind of thing existed until coming across an OCD intrusive thoughts podcast. I research a ton for hours trying to find out why it started for me and what it means and I’d it will be there forever or if it was just from the medicines and anxiety? I don’t seem to be having a ton of new thoughts they just keep recycling back to the theme of the original ones that went on for several days to a week or so... and in between I’m getting some random visualizations of the thoughts as well as others that tend to be on the same theme or morbid type. I’m working on trying not to put emotion to these and recognize they are just thoughts but it is hard to do. Also is it normal to have the visualization with the thoughts? Just need some insight. Thank you.

Hi! My name is Judy I'm 18 year old, but I've been struggling with ocd for a long time. My first symptoms appeared at the age of 5. I was scared to eat anything, or swallow my saliva because I was scared that I touched somethimg poisonous and I will die. Thanks to God, after that episode I had a peaceful time until I became 11. Then, there was a boy in my old school, who was 4 years older than me, and did some inappropiate things to me. He touched my ass or my breasts while I didn't want it. Once, he forced me to touch his penis (through pants), and that's when everything bad started. After that I started to wash my hands, because I felt that I am no more pure and I might be pregnant if I don't wash my hands. Sometimes this intrusive thought comes back, and it still haunts me. My hands are so bruised and dry that I have to heal it with hand creams every day. I avoided the number 4, because that was the age difference between me and this boy, and I also avoided the number 6 because that's the age difference between me and my brother, and I was scared of intrusive thoughts about incest. When I was 15, I've met my ex boyfriend. I really liked him, but there was this thoughts, that I didn't really love him, and instead of him, I'm attracted to my boy best friend, when I clearly wasn't and I didn't want it. It got worse when my ex boyfriend broke up with me because he liked another girl. I didn't eat, I just slept all day, because that was the only time when I didn't get intrusive thoughts. I didn't want to die, but neither wanted to live. My family and friends thought this was because of heartbreak, but no, this was my intrusive thought, that did that to me. That was in may, and by the time it got better, but in July there was a camp, where I looked after little kids, and the thought came: "What if I'm attracted to them?" It was horrifying, and I tried to doubt this thoughts, and avoid the kids, but before the thoughts came, I'd become really good friends with them, so it was hard to avoid them. Strangely, the thoughts became less intrusive and rare, when I played with them, and my best friend started to talk about things like boys. Then, I had intrusive thoughts sometimes, but I can say, I had a really peaceful time for 1 and a half year. Things got worse in June, 2020. I started to have all the intrusive thought and all the compulsions I had before in my life. First the hand washing with the fear of becoming pregnant, than I started to fear that somehow I am attracted to dogs when I heard a story like that. I had sexual orientation OCD also. When I was on the bus, I accidentally touched the side of the girl who sat next to me, and I feared that she took it as a sexual assault, although I said sorry, and she said it was fine. Now I've been at home for 2 months, I have zero motivation, some of my friends betrayed me, and pocd came back. Now I am not scared that I will abuse a child, but I have intrusive thoughts that I am attracted to them, and sometimes when I have strong compulsions there is groinal response with the strong intrusive thoughts, and it just kills me. I can't look at a child, because I fear the thoughts will came with it. I hate myself, I don't think I deserve to live, I don't think I deserve all the scholarships and love that I get with my short stories and with my botany and chemistry studies. It's hard, because I'm a literature and enviroment activist, I have to do so much things, but I can't because I think I don't deserve it. The worst feeling is that I feel sorry for my parents and my friends because they love a person like me. They are the only cause I want to find a solution to get better, because I know they couldn't bear if I was dead. I don't want to disappoint them either. I told everything some of my friends, and they said, if the thoughts were true, it still wouldn't matter, because I would never act upon them, and I do so many good things. But somehow it isn't enough for me, I want to be totally normal and healthy. I want to have kids in the future and want to help other kids who have difficulties in life without these intrusive thoughts, without the fear that I will hurt anyone the way that boy hurt me when I was 11. Sometimes I think some of these things aren't really ocd and I just doubt these things because I want to reduce my anxiety, and I don't want to think that I am a bad person, and I don't want others to think I am a bad person. I also feel guilt when I don't try to doubt my thoughts and I actually have a good time without them. I tried to tell my mother about that, but she didn't really understand it. She said everybody have their own intrusive thoughts and obsessions and for that I don't need a therapist, because I'm just insecure because of the hormones and the uncertainity of teenage life. I don't really blame her. My mother is a really good person, but she struggled worse things in her teenage years, and there were no therapist in that era in our country. She has ocd too, but she learned to manage it by herself, and that's why she thinks that way. Also, there isn't an ocd specialist where we live. I know, that everything I fear probably isn't true and it's my ocd. If I'm so scared of these thoughts, then maybe it shows the things that are important to me, and the things I don't want to happen in life. I started to work with an ocd workbook, which is an ERP-CBT self help book, and I started to meditate. I also write self-love journal, and drink St.John's wort tea, because I know maybe they will help me to feel less worthless. I don't know how well will it work, but it's better then nothing until I find an ocd specialist in my area. Now I don't have much hope, but when I can clear my mind, I believe for a moment that everything will be fine with time, everything will fade away once, even the intrusive toughts will fade away, because that's the circle of life. I hope it will get better when I return to school in february. What do you think? Is everything I experienced really just ocd? Is it possible that the intrusive thoughts came back to my life because of the pandemic and loneliness? Will it get better when I'll have tasks and works I had to do? Will it ever go away if I believe, with time, I can make a difference in my mind? Thank you, that you read my story, even if it was long. It really gives me hope that I'm not alone, there are people, who struggles with the same things as me (even if sometimes I fear this is not ocd). Take care, and good luck!

I read about People with ocd that had their symptoms before finding out what ocd is and it makes me think I am faking it because I cycle Quickly between different compulsions and make up New ones and I dont even think they calm me down. Its so weird. Before reading about ocd and being in online communities I only had some of the compulsions and they were entirely mental but afterwards they got worse and I got some more obvious ones. My main compulsion was checking mentally but now I might repeat phrases a certain amount of times and think this makes me a fraud.

Has anyone ever experienced suicidal thoughts while also being absolutely terrified of death? Like you feel like you can't do it anymore and you just want to end it all but also when you think about actually dying you become extremely anxious

If there any girls on here w HOCD I feel really afraid and alone right now

Hey everyone! I need some advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. And I love him very much and I think we bring out the best in each other and he’s my favorite person to be around. And I deal with a lot of relationship OCD but I think I’ve got it in check for the most part. However- I have this compulsion that I’ve had pretty much since we started dating. I check his ex’s social media way too often.. like at least once a day.. and I’m not sure exactly why? I don’t know what I’m “looking for” exactly but every day I have this urge to check to see if she updated her status or added a new picture or made a new TikTok. It’s debilitating and makes me feel so so guilty. I get really anxious and start ruminating about the fact that he dated her before me, and that he had feelings for her at one point in time, and for some reason my brain tells me that he might still have feelings (even though there are literally no signs that point to that being true) and I check her social media almost as a way to see if I can find any clues??? I know it’s really self destructive and I’ve gone a few days without doing it but I don’t know why it’s so hard for me not to? It’s so embarrassing and makes me feel super insecure. I know the simple answer is “well just stop”.. but why is that so hard for me to do???

I’m sobbing at work. I’m turned on by women in porn and used to masturbate to pictures of boobs as a kid. That is gay. I’m so sad. I didn’t want this to happen and I love my husband but I know now I’m lying. I just want the freedom to have sex with him without crying. Im never going to be happy. And I don’t see my therapist for a long time. I don’t know how to be okay. Why are naked men not arousing? Why does everyone think I’m gay. I hate my life and sometimes think I can’t live this way.

Can someone read this? I'm starting to get worried about this. I'm fucking scared I'm starting to get by aroused to this. I don't know if it's me being hyperaware of my penis area or the anxiety I get when exposed to triggers. I've always been attracted to women only my entire life with no desire otherwise, I've always enjoyed relationships with women and wanted a wife. Now it seems I get aroused slower than before. I've never been attracted to men and I don't want to be attracted to them now. I can't take this anymore. I broke down yesterday saying, "I hate you" over and over. I don't know if I was talking to God, ocd, or myself. I want to be my normal self again. My ocd has been more quiet recently and went from it screaming in my head constantly to almost quiet. Now I feel I've turned gay. I've always wanted a wife. I don't want to change. I don't have money for medication or therepy because of Covid and getting laid off. I feel fucked.

It really triggers me when girls are in relationships/ marriages w men and then come out as gay... like what if this is my future :(

I'm fairly positive reading what people are going through that I definitely have OCD themes... My therapist that I'm seeing now is a drug and alcohol counselor and is targeting my use of Marijuana as a self help tool and I now want to not be smoking because it makes me uncomfortable... now... it used to help? I don't know really... It was the only session I could get in short notice? Not good at this whole 'adult life' thing.. For some background information I started a new job back in August due to needing to get myself out of an uncomfortable situation where I was staying while going to college, I honestly became complacent in my comfort there until I was snapped at and told " remember your staying here for free" You told me that I was okay to do so? Anyway, moving forward I stayed with another friends family ( I've been at risk of homeless since I was 16 and diagnosed with Chronic Depression at 15) ((now 25)) this all was happening around a year ago.. I got a job! SUCCESS! Or I thought so? I was doing really well until I got comfortable again... then I started opening my mouth about what I didn't appreciate... you don't do that at work... but I did... knowingly too... like I wanted to test my limits? Their limits of me? They wanted to push me harder than everyone else... everyone else got breaks when I was the one working the hardest... I worked nights, wasn't getting decent sleep, I wasn't eating much, and I dropped from 210 lbs in June to now under 160... my healthy weight is 180... I started hallucinating voices from work while I was at home... I started to just sit in my car for hours after I got back home... I even caught myself looking at things I really shouldn't be in a public setting... and I'm sure I'm not the only one that has noticed... I live in an apartment complex... ( my first apartment) ((also my first bedroom I felt was somewhat actually mine in a long... long time...)) so now I'm paranoid that people see me looking around at other people and are seeing me looking at these things ( not even X rated) on my phone and I've even caught myself with my hand in my pants... (( suicidegirls Instagram page)) Also paranoid that before I got my blanket up across my window that the neighbors saw me doing things while checking to see if anyone was coming home... (no lock on the bedroom door..) They have kids, and if I remember correctly they definitely saw and were quite upset at me being close to my window 🙃 (yay POCD trigger) There are people of all kinds in my apartments so my POCD themes definitely have kicked in full swing now... If I look at a kid there is only a few things that go through my head ( who is watching this kid (( if they're alone or in a group of kids)) man I wish I could be a kid again... and does anyone know how susceptible kids are to damage without anyone meaning to hurt them?) I don't know if these things are normal... I don't think of kids as something I want sexually but I was active sexually as a kid and I see that potential in kids when I see them) Now I'm paranoid to even leave my house and have full blown anxiety attacks going into work aswell because I feel like I have a target on my back... I don't know why I have to do these things to myself... why can't I just be a normal person and live a normal life... Now I'm terrified that my situation is going to put me back into a homeless situation again and I just got into my first apartment... I have been as honest about what's going on with everyone that I can be... but it seems like people either don't believe what I'm saying or?... I don't know really... I feel like I'm under investigation and my fears of becoming like my parents ( manic depressive bipolar /skitzophrenic) is causing me even more stress and antagonizing my situation... Again, adulting is hard, insurance was difficult being in a job that hasn't fully hired you on yet? And you didn't get on blue cross because they're changing their insurance system? And now they've put you back on the state insurance you were on? But you can't be working and be on that insurance? I'm so tired of jumping through their hoops... I create enough of my own... So through that my suicidal thoughts came back... (yay depression 🙃) but then I was just trying to use the system right? Ya, because that's not something I've avoided my whole life in fear of what I'm running from... ( my mental health potentials ) But suicide isn't the answer, no, you have people that care about you... well yeah I don't want them to be upset... so I guess I'll just keep going? Where though? No clue... but hopefully I don't lose my apartment and my job in the mean time... :/ Not sure where I'm going with this post and in life in general... I have another appointment with my 'therapist' on the 5th and a psychiatrist on the 8th... but my 'therapist' is "conservative against diagnosis" and doesn't want to listen to my symptoms because I looked them up? And wants me to focus on organizing myself more? LMAO if only I could 🤣 They have no clue... but what is one lost in the system they wanted to avoid (but are now apparently using because it benefits them?) Going to do? Who knows, find out on the next episode of, where's this fucked up life turning next?

so i need y’all’s help. i’m pretty sure i have ocd, but i feel like there might be something else wrong with me. idk. i’ve always been really stubborn and needing things to go my way/be in control (ik that that’s kinda toxic/bad, im sorry). i also get irritated super easily, especially when there are too many sounds (although for some reason it’s fine in public, but like at home if there are too many people talking/watching tv. and i also get really mad if i don’t feel listens to. and i’m not very good at talking to other kids my age, ive gotten better at it though. i just find it hard to carry a conversation and sound interested and natural if you know what i mean. i guess i’ve learnt how to say stuff that makes a conversation flow better ig? i always feel happy when i have a “successful” conversation. i’m much better communicating online. i also think that i kinda think that i can do anything better than anyone (ik that sounds terrible, and ik it’s not true. ig i her angry when someone can do something i like better then me, and i think i can do better.) i can be kinda mean sometimes, i think that people wouldn’t care about what i think because i feel like i don’t really matter to other people. i feel unwanted a lot. and i struggle making eye contact ig. i’ve read that ocd often comes with other things, and i was just reading about autism (so i’ve kinda been going over a list of stuff that i do that could be a symptom of autism while i write this just because it brought up a lot of things that seem kinda unexplained about me if yk what i mean?) but i’m not sure saying that i think it’s autism, i was just inspired by the article i was reading. do y’all think i could have anything else? (add,adhd,anxiety,depression,autism,social anxiety, etc)? or just an akward introverted control freak with attachment issues lol? can anyone relate to me? is this totally normal? is it an ocd thing? thanks!

Sometimes with this OCD it ends up being too much that I just cry. I try to fend it off for long enough until my body tells me that maybe I should just cry. So I did. After a few minutes of doing so, I feel slightly better. I just want to be happy again, even if I feel like I don't deserve that. I just want to enjoy my life without my thoughts getting the better of me, even if I feel like I don't deserve that either. I just want to be able to let go of my mistakes and try and get as far away from them as possible. I can't tell if I'm overreacting and overthinking my real events (a tiny spectacle says I am but I often can't see that because of OCD) or if I really am the worst person ever. Regardless I just want to be back to my real self. I don't know what to do, guys. I don't know if that cry helped me or added onto my pain

What did you do today/will do tomorrow to stand up to OCD?

I know this doesn’t have anything to do with ocd, but I just really need to vent for a second. I’m still young, meaning I still have to go to my father’s house every other weekend. My parents are divorced and have been for the past 5 years. My dad remarried 3 years ago to my stepmom. That’s when my dad started taking my mom to court. Long story short, I decided to stay home and take a break from going to my dad’s house for a couple of months. I never really liked my step mom, she’s always made me extremely uncomfortable. She gets mad easily and is very controlling. My dad is the same way. I got tired of being nervous about going to my dads, so I made the decision to stay home. During thanksgiving, I decided I would go to his house. No matter how bad things are, of course I miss my dad. Everything was fine that weekend, and my stepmom completely avoided me. My dad brought up something that weekend that I hadn’t even thought about in 3 years. Thee years ago, I had a private story on Snapchat where I would post different things. On it I posted about my stepmom. I understand that me calling her “a bitch” was rude and that I shouldn’t have done it. I had apologized in the past, and no one had even thought about that in years. He kept urging me to apologize to her. I’m the type of person who gets very anxious, so I really didn’t have to confidence to be able to do that. The Monday after thanksgiving, I get a call from my dad. He says “are you in private where no one can hear me? I need to talk to you. Go into your room by yourself. Now.” Then in the background I heard my stepmom yelling. My phone glitched out and I refused to answer any of his calls. I was having a panic attack and I didn’t understand what I had done to get that reaction. The weekend comes along and I go to my dads reluctantly. He tells me that the phone call was because “I hadn’t said hello to her and I didn’t apologize for what I had done.” (Keep in mind the *thing* I did was from when I was 12 years old, and I had already apologized in the past) He sits me down at the table and she sat across from me. He sat at the end. Here’s an overview of what happened: “You left me and you hurt me. You not coming here was terrible, and you are inconsiderate. I never did anything wrong to you and neither did your stepmom. Your mother is telling you lies and manipulating you. She wants you to think we are the bad guys when we are not. You’re the rude one for calling your stepmom a bitch. She would never say those things about you. She is just protective of her family. We did nothing wrong, you’re just blaming us. You’re a terrible person.” I didn’t know how to react. I just sat there crying. I sit and cry every time this happens. :( Then my dads side of the family had Christmas on December 19th. Everything was fine, until we had to decide what was going home with me and what was going to my dads. I got a diffuser for my hair for Christmas ( I have curly hair) that I really need for during the week. I wanted to bring that to my house and take it back and forth. It was very expensive, and my grandmother wanted me to use it at both. Basically my stepmom blew up, said I was a terrible person, and they left. Now I’m going back right now and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I don’t know what to do. I need support. I think im going to talk to him and say I can’t do it anymore. He told me that “he thought I only wanted to be there for Christmas” which isn’t true at all. I’m trying to have a relationship with him, it’s just extremely hard. :((((

Ive noticed my ocd likes to corrupt real memories and make it seem like i did something bad when in reality I didn’t. Does this happen with some of you where you think of a past even and then an intrusive pops out corrupting your memory.

Has anyone ever tried using psychedelics as a form of treatment for their ocd ? I’ve read a lot about it online and wanted to know if anyone has tried and would like to share their experience ?

I finally blew up today. I screamed at my husband and my cats and started sobbing. I can’t handle anything anymore and I’ve been drinking non stop. I keep having sex dreams about a boy I dated in my past and I feel so sexually distant from my husband. I feel like everyone thinks I’m gay. I feel like I know I’m gay. God fucking dammit. I want to feel okay. I’m a drunk and an unpleasant person and my therapist has been no help at all.