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Anyone here suffer from Racism OCD?

A serious T/W I'm having a hard day and I don't think I will ever go through with this. Heading into the new year, I'm not happy. I've made a decision to ****** ****** at the end of the month of January. I'm a bit scared to explicitly say it, that's why I censored it. Pure Ocd/Real event have been taking a serious toll on me this year. I seriously don't know what to do. It's sad because there was many things I want to accomplish in life, such as graduating University, having the dream career I've always wanted as a child, and falling in love and started a family. I can't continue and I am ashamed of myself. Its difficult to wake up every day and there was a period where I developed insomnia and I couldn't eat well. The best option for me is to not be here anymore.

TW: masturbating, horniness Is it common for people to be turned on by something that would generally give them arousal, but then something else in addition happens within the sexual event, and it makes them even more aroused? Like for example, a woman twerking in a bikini would be pretty arousing, but what if in the midst of that, she just farts or something in the middle of it and keeps going? Normally someone farting is pretty gross to me and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but sometimes when I watch sexual videos that turn me on, suddenly something a little more on the taboo side could happen and in the mix of my horny state, I actually find it arousing? Is this normal in the brain when people are horny or am I just someone with a weird taboo thing that I don't know of?

So I'm gonna put a TW here because I know therapy is a process, a long one and there may be someone who's not ready to hear this. Truth is, neither am. I have ocd, like most of you, I have been diagnosed, I've been seeing a therapist and I'm on meds. My most horrible, most repetitive theme is soocd(hocd) and a few days before Christmas I relapsed for the third time in the span of two years. What a great Christmas gift you may say! The thing is I'm tired, I've already been through this and I know how draining this is. I'm depressed, I have suicidal thoughts, I can't eat or get up from the bed. So what now? Therapy has done a lot for me, but I'm still human and I'm still ill, and most importantly I'm a teenager, you can't expect me to things this perfectly right. So while I was stuck in my repetitive compulsive cicle, something crossed my mind:shame. The concept of shame has been a great source of anxiety for me because I think "what if I am gay and I'm not accepting myself because I'm ashemed". So I've tried, just like my therapist told me, to tell myself after every intrusive thoughts that I don't care, that if I find a woman attractive who cares. But then I think "omg am I accepting this" and I get overwhelmed by anxiety. If I was gay, wouldn't I feel good about accepting myself? Then why do I feel like this? The fact is that shame is part of our condition because a person who suffers from pocd feels shame in their thoughts because being a pedophile is shameful. You may feel shameful while having hocd thoughts because those thoughts are a source of shame to you, not because you're gay, but because they don't fit the idea that you have of yourself. Yes I'm sure gay people feel a lot of shame however I don't have enough knowledge to tell how that feels like. My therapist has always told me to relay on experience. My experience tells me I've never been attracted by a woman. Sure I think they're beautiful, just like the sky, flowers and many other things. But I never had other feelings. And if I was I should've had at least a crush on a female. I had thousands female friends but I never had feelings for them. So why does my mind does this? Why do I feel so much pressure? The thing with me tho is that the idea of a same sex relationship has always caused me anxiety or made me uncomfortable. Is it because I secretly am gay and I just have a lot of shame? I don't think so but my mind swears is true. But I've fought enough battles to know when it's time to rest. So I wanna try to be more accepting and overcome shame of any kind. I will fail many times, that's for sure, this condition and this theme have made my life hell for so long, how can I accept them so easily. But as I said before I'm tired, I this point I just want the confusion, the doubting and the horrible dread to stop. And while I wish I could just go back, enjoy my thoughts about me and a future boyfriend, right now I'm fighting this battle and if the way of recovery is this, then so be it.

Anyone else try to poke holes in conversations with your bf/gf? Poke holes Of what they say? Like trying to figure out why they said something the way they said it or what it means if he said that then that contradicts this that he said in the same convo etc etc and trying to “figure it all out” and they just keep getting frustrated when it’s not always that complicated to them ? The cycle never ends. Like I have such a detailed way of listening and understanding things that my bf says and apparently it’s “picking it apart”. But to me it’s like well if it contradicts it then I’m going to call it out and keep asking questions and I get it’s a compulsion but at the same time why do ppl not think this way?!!! It seems intelligent to realize things like this but it’s “ocd” ? I just am so tired of this

I’ve been dealing with OCD since I was 17 I believe. I still remember when it started. It was also weird too because when I opened up about it I mentioned that if I was to do something bad then why do people trust me to watch there kids? I literally looked at my friend and said you trust me with your kids I mean why would you trust me with your kids? It was something like that. But I wasn’t exactly have thoughts about children when it started my brother would pop in my head and then it bothered me that my little brother was across the room from me (I had two brothers one living with my no and I, one that lived in a special home) so then my ocd got bad and I started over cleaning things to the point I was starting to ruin things. So now I’m 22 almost 23 still dealing with thoughts and feelings of POCD and many other things like incest for example. But as time when on the more this problem began to seem real the worse my thoughts got over time. I don’t know why they got worse but they did and it became more real and I was trying to open up about it. I have a lot but the looks I get when I try talking to people about things or the replies I get aren’t always nice. It’s kind of a bummer. I have a son now. Ever since I’ve had him it seems like my thoughts and feelings are always directed towards him at least a lot of the times maybe not always because I know I have thoughts that don’t include him. I struggle with my bond with him. I see other moms so excited posted about how there kids are the love of their love and they are so proud and seem like there in joyful tears or something over their kids walking and crawling and all those small steps but me... I don’t always feel it. I get very small moments sometimes of joy and happiness and all those great things I thought were supposed to be there but aren’t. I’m doing the best I can to make things better but it’s not easy. I’ve got to the point where I barely get anything do. There so much I wanted but couldn’t accomplish. It was either too overwhelming or I just simply didn’t want to do it. I’m lazy. I almost never seem happy. I felt like I stopped caring about people. I just felt like I didn’t care. Before I had him I went through this dark phase where I was so stuck and my mind was going Grey/pitch black. I knew people were there and loved me but I felt like there wasn’t a single person I wanted to go to so I just sat there in pitch black almost in my head where everything is pretty much gone and the only thing there is you.. I want to say it was crippling. I don’t think I have panic attacks I did have a thought that maybe I did have them and didn’t know but the first experience I ever had that I feel like was an attack is when I dated someone mixed. He was nice and sweet but something wasn’t right and I was trying to tell him that so we split and I freaked out because I don’t do well with ends it seems like. Ends of romantic relationships I guess. So I was literally freaking out thinking I was racist and that I was gonna go to hell and I think possible I may have thought god hated me and this dread went on for like a week. I thought about going to a hospital twice within like 3 days but I couldn’t fall back I had to keep going because of work.

Maladaptive daydreaming is a condition in which a person experiences vivid, intense, daydreams. You might make up characters or pretend in your mind that you’re living another life and make up characters where you develop an emotional connection to. Often taking up hours of their day, these daydreams are usually to escape reality. Does anyone relate to this? Let me know and I’m here to talk!

Has anyone ever gotten what if thoughts pertaining to a specific timeline? Like not a what if necessarily on a night when you’ve blacked out, which I’ve gotten as well, but just over a period of time? (Ex. When I was friends with this person, what if I...) I can’t remember if I’ve asked this before but it’s been on my mind

I feel so depressed right now and I feel like such a burden to my family. I’ve came a long way from how I was before with OCD, but I’m so unmotivated and I just feel like I cannot get the OCD of my head. Like I’ll be sitting there and it’s just a voice in my head the whole time. How am I supposed to do what I want to do if that’s just bothering me the whole time. I’ve been told everything and treatment has helped, but I end up back at this spot. I literally don’t know what to do. How did you guys get better? I just keep backsliding. I feel so numb and emotionless and I think it’s because of my medication. I am currently taking Viibryd. I don’t look good at all anymore. I don’t take care of myself well, and I don’t know how I feel about anything. There’s just no motivation. I’m not sad, there’s just not much in my head besides OCD. There’s not much for me to do to help, plus the fact that I have no motivation. I have no strong feelings about anything and I can’t tell what I like or dislike, it’s so annoying. My parents are busy a lot. It’s just so complicated. Also, I have quite a few OCD subtypes. Any advice?

If there are any female HOCD sufferers, I would love someone to talk to. Trigger warning for sexual content below I was never turned on by photos of naked men. But as a kid I could get turned on by pictures of naked women and still find that more arousing than men. But I’ve always loved and wanted men. And now sex with my husband is really hard. I’m losing it again. Any help is appreciated

freaking out because I read straight erotica, gay male erotica, and lesbian erotica and I was turned on by all three. Like, genuinely turned on. does this mean i’m gay? bi? pan? i don’t understand.

i tried telling my boyfriend i was bisexual and i felt this heat in my chest and didn’t cry when i was telling him. i’m scared i’ve been so angry lately because i’m not accepting this part of myself. and i don’t know if i feel relieved rn.

I’ll start by saying I can’t even believe I’m here. I had my first interaction with HOCD at about 14! I would cry myself to sleep confused about my sexuality!!! It last about 5 months! And I was free! I went on to date amazing women feel in love with a few, hooked up with a a lot after nights at the club! Social media. I was happy and content I would have satisfaction with my sexuality never questioning it! A decade past of fulfillment! I fell in love! Was enjoying every bit of it and 1 night I had a what it thought! What if I’m not In love and what if I’m gay! Even though I’ve never been gay never had any interactions with the same sex I don’t even look at men like this, and ever since I’ve been doomed! Back depressed back sad having daily anxiety! I even had to confess to my woman, my brother, my mother everybody what’s going on because it happened when I was 14 I wasn’t new to it at all they remember me going through this my family at least! I don’t know why I’m so bothered by the thought of being gay I guess it’s because I know I’ve never been gay so the thought would make my whole life a lie. I just wish I could go back to being myself!!!! I’ve be feeling out of my body, out of control confused! And seeking help!

Can bisexual people have HOCD, fear of losing attraction to one sex? I just wanna ask a question about bisexuality and HOCD. As of recent, I’ve been questioning my sexuality a lot. Since I was younger I’ve always known I’ve been attracted to women, and my romantic interests have all been women. I’ve always known that I have an attarction to women, that I knew 100 percent. But my attarction with guys has always been questioning. I have had gay thoughts and fantasies, I’ve found some men attractive and masturbated and have been aroused by gay pornography. Yet it’s all still really questioning for me, I’m a firm believer that everybody is slightly bisexual, we all fit on the spectrum some way. As a result I guess I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m mostly straight/slightly bisexual. With this questioning, it hasn’t been very comfortable but it hasn’t been extremely distressing. But a lot of this quetsioning I guess stems from porn, I don’t think porn is a good indicator of sexuality. I mean it’s produced for the intention of arousal, that’s the whole point. Yet I began obsessing over whether I was enjoying gay porn more than straight. I’ve found myslef looking at both and began comparing my experience with both. I feel like this is what triggered it all, as I began obsessing. It felt like I wasn’t enjoying or getting as aroused by straight porn as I previously had, or then with gay porn. But this was all questioning I didn’t know if it was concrete. I then looked at straight porn and I didn’t immediately arouse me, I started panicking. It then seemed suddenly overnight I had lost all my attraction to women. My attarction is to women, I’ve always been 100% sure of. This sudden loss of attarction felt EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTBABLE. This is when I began to suspect this was a theme of OCD. With normal questioning, it wasn’t comfortable but it wasn’t as distressing as this. I began obsessing over the fear of lost my attraction to women, and it felt so real. It felt like I could no longer get aroused, it felt all my attarction had disappeared, and I started freaking out. Suddenly overnight it all seemed to disappear and it was terrifying. I really think that this is OCD, I couldnt stop ruminating and researching and it brought me extreme distress. When I quetsion whether I have an attarction to guys, it doesn’t feel that uncomfortable really. That’s where my question really stems from, I don’t really have a problem with having an attraction to guys. I’m still trying to figure out whether I’m heretosexual or bisexual, or somewhere in between. Yet what I am terrified of is my loss of attarction to women, that is so terrifying and distressing to me and has lead to so much rumination and stress and anxiety. The thought of being bisexual doesnt trouble me, yet loosing attarction to women does. It just doesn’t feel right and it feels so scary, especially as I’m currently in a relationship. I love her so much and my sexual orientation changing is such a scary thought in how it could effect us. Prior to all of this I was sure of my attarction to women, now I’m not and that’s so scary to me. And that’s really what my question is, can bisexual people have HOCD over the fear of loosing attraction?

I don’t know why I’m embarrassed to mediate

question for hocd sufferers - did any of you ever have fantasies about the lesbian/gay porn you were watching and climax and did any of you ever have a fantasy about a friend ? i did due to how much i watched porn and its really messing me up. i never saw her that way and still don’t but it just won’t leave my mind, sometimes i don’t even think it ever happened but it feels so real so i’m not even sure. i feel alone, can anyone relate? and if you have advice it would be nice 🤍

Seeing a psychiatrist for the first time on the 30th and now that it's getting closer to the day the more nervous I am. I 100% want help. I need help. I feel like my mind has pulled me back from so much in my life whether it's being around my family, friends and just getting the motivation to do anything I love to do because I feel like I don't deserve love or happiness. My parents know everything that's going on with me thanks to the constant reassurance I need to get by which now turned into regret because I hate that I brought them into this when they don't even believe I could possibly have OCD. I would much rather it be all in my head rather than mean something about me or be real. I don't want it to be real. I'm afraid all the time of my thoughts and feelings I feel like I'm going to take it out on myself because I really do hate myself so much. And it's funny because if it was anyone else in the world I would do whatever it took for them to know how much they matter and that it's not their fault but I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. That I did this to myself. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time I just want my life back. I want to be properly diagnosed but I'm probably going to hold back some details until I know for sure the psychiatrist is understanding of ocd and the symptoms of every version of it. My heart goes out to any struggling this time of year or even this year at all. Let's go into 2021 with much positivity and love. Let's get through this together 🙏🏻

i don’t feel like me. i feel like i’ve changed. i guess i feel hollow. I don’t like the thoughts i get but i feel like maybe i do. The meds have pretty much stopped the anxiety and helped the false attraction and the frequency of the thoughts but i still get quite a few and they are repetitive and definitely distressing. i don’t like who i am at the moment. i miss that feeling of having a crush on this boy. and i haven’t had a day ‘free’ of this for ages. it makes me feel like “maybe it’s because your gay”. NO. i don’t want to be. I used to want to have children say nice i was a young girl. and now i feel dead. that’s how i feel DEAD

I felt love yesterday but today I don’t.... what is wrong with me.... how can you tell if u really don’t love someone?... 😞 I don’t wanna tell him that bc I know I do love him a lot but I just feel like I am faking it.... I hate ocd

I just feel so trapped and alone with my thoughts I don’t know how to handle this or what to do anymore