Welcome to
the NOCD Community

My ocd is so bad rn

It’s my birthday. It’s 1am. I want to cry. TMI warning! I went to the gyno yesterday with a friend to get a lump checked out and my doctor confirmed it was just a harmless cyst (than god). Only after leaving did I realize that I forgot to mention another issue I have down there... and now I feel like crying. She didn’t look/feel inside me, which is where my other problem is. I’ve put my finger inside myself before and felt like— idk how to describe it— it’s like a a roundish, flesh like “ball” in my vagina? Like I can push my finger past knuckle deep because it feel like there’s a wall or something in the way. I think it’s my cervix since it’s been there for as long as I can remember and changes based on my cycle... but I’m nervous it’s a tumor or prolapse (even though I’m now 19). I’ve only had one other doctor “look” inside my vagina, and that wasn’t with a speculum but she said it looks fine so idk. I’m just so fucking mad at myself for not bringing it up while at the doctor. It took so much strength to go to this appt, and I did it but now I just feel like a moron and I don’t want to go back again I really don’t. I called the office and said I wanted to get into direct contact with the dr and tried to explain my problem to the receptionist but they just sounded rude and confused so I’m embarrassed. I don’t know what to do at this point besides that, because the only other person I can talk about with this shit is either my friend or my sister. My friend said I should go again just in case but it’s probably not a big deal, and my sister just thinks I’m crazy. If I do have to go again, is it safe to wait another year just bc I’ve been dealing with this “problem” for about 6 yrs? It’s never caused any difficulties for me besides not being able to stick anything up there :/// I really just thinks it’s my cervix but idk it doesn’t feel completely round it feels kind of like the shape of what a blimp looks like (obviously not that big lol). Anyways this rant has been way too long but yeah I feel completely isolated and alien, don’t wanna tell my therapist cause it’s embarrassing/confusing, and I truly feel like no one understands me and that I’m probably gonna die from fucking cancer or something!!! I hate my birthday already :) oh and to top it all off— intrusive racist and incest thoughts!! Day couldn’t get better

Ocd is truly ruining my life. My themes keep switching and im only a kid, im 16 and im so tired of living already, i cry for hours everyday, i cant take this anymore. I wish i was dead, i miss being at peace and having none of these worries. Im so exhausted mentally and emotionally. I feel like im on a ferris wheel that wont let me get off. Please what do i do? Im so desperate i feel so hopeless and depressed.

(Don’t read if you’re stressed out or upset, controversial opinion below) I have serious anxiety about saying something that will make others upset or angry. As an unhealthy coping mechanism for this anxiety, I obsessively google for controversial opinions I agree with, often for many hours on end. As part of NOCD therapy, I am supposed to share a controversial/potentially objectionable opinion with someone so I can get used to feeling the anxiety without responding with the unhealthy behavior (by resisting the behavior, over time the anxiety will decrease). And the NOCD app is a low-stakes place to do it; my therapist actually said I should do posts on here twice a day. So I’ll say something: This isn’t actually a statement I would be afraid would incite negative judgement from others, but I need to get it off my chest and if I said this to my already very stressed-out family it would stress them out more. And this is a really depressing opinion, so don’t read on if you’re in any way at risk of feeling depressed or hopeless. We’re fucked. Absolutely ZERO of the people in power care about you, or will lift a finger to stop you from dying. Bernie and AOC and the “Squad” won’t save you. Anyone and everyone you voted for or will vote for this election is a monster exclusively loyal to the 1% and the donor class, Wall Street, Silicon Valley, and their own self-gain. They will let the entire world burn and be destroyed, imminently, due to climate change. All the rich politicians have bunkers in New Zealand with enough gourmet ice cream to last several lifetimes. In the past they actually had to keep their constituents alive; now they don’t, they all know the world is going to end and they’re planning to let it happen and then abandon us all to die. Every person who speaks out against it gets killed. They all have blood on their hands, they routinely assassinate ordinary people who threaten them. The head that stands out above the crowd gets chopped. What they’re most terrified of is a consensus. That’s why Huey Long, MLK, and reformed Malcolm X (no longer hates whites) were killed. They would gladly let every man, woman, and child in the U.S. (and world) starve to death or die of COVID if doing so would make them even a penny richer. They’re all in the same club together: Trump and the Clintons both palled around with Epstein, the Democrats and Republicans in Congress are secretly all friends and whenever they pretend to disagree it’s just political theatre, carefully calculated to turn the masses against each other so they don’t figure out their real, common enemy. While people can’t put food on the table, they spend way way more than all other federal spending combined on drones and missiles and bombs to deliberately kill innocent people, children, American citizens etc to make people in those countries hate America (understandably) and become terrorists who kill more innocent people, so they have an excuse to spend even more money on forever wars (they drastically increase funding during every president’s term). —Elon Musk’s SpaceX is going to be used to transport bombs across the world in an hour. —Trump deliberately wants to target and kill the families of terrorists. —Both Bush and Obama drastically increased mass surveillance and rolled back habeus corpus. As fucking evil as Trump is, he hasn’t gotten us in any more wars: if Biden is elected, he will deliberately get us into a war with Iran, North Korea, and Russia. Fucking Kamala Harris has the gall to criticize Trump’s “isolationism,” Biden has pledged to drastically balloon military funding. —The entire Bush administration are war criminals who should be rotting in prison for the rest of their lives. Instead Bush is touted as a “very good president” (even though Democrats were, rightly, saying the same things about Bush then as they are about Trump now), and Biden is filling his admin with Bush-era Neocon war criminals. In eight years, when the next Republican is president, the same people calling Trump the worst person ever (it’s true that he’s an absolute monster and there is absolutely nothing good about him, but that’s true with all of them) will be reminiscing about what a great man and president Trump was. —Trump deliberately withheld medical care and water from the children and toddlers he separated from their parents. Kids have been raped and died from his intentional cruelty and neglect. He knows about this and deliberately did it. They always know, “oh they were unaware it was happening!” Is always fucking bullshit. —Under Obama’s admin, unaccompanied minors were sold to human traffickers for rape and slave labor. —For any pro-life people: the experimental drugs that Trump used to quickly recover, which won’t be made available to any ordinary Americans because they will abandon you to die, are made from aborted fetuses. —Most Americans are nuanced on abortion (a majority are pro-choice, but with some caveats), but politicians and activists want you to believe the two sides are either “make it legal for lunatic man-hating third-wave feminists to murder babies right before or long after birth” or “outlaw and imprison any woman who seeks an abortion in any scenario, even in the case of rape or incest or if the mother will die”. —Kamala Harris deliberately withheld evidence that would have freed innocent inmates on death row; she deliberately let innocent people die when she could and should have saved them. She said schools are less important than prisons. She smoked marijuana herself, and brags about it in front of the country, but then filled her for-profit prisons with people guilty of nothing more than marijuana, to provide slave labor for corporations. She imprisoned parents whose children skipped school. She hid evidence of priests who raped children. She incarcerated drug addicts for possession of drugs, when they should be sent to rehab and given treatment. —The Bush admin did and the Trump admin is doing literally everything they can to destroy the environment and kill your kids and grandkids, to enrich themselves and their corporate donors. —Hillary is actively trying to convince half the country that she is part of an international deep state that practices satanic rituals of torturing raping children and then human sacrificing them, and drinking their blood. In a photo she took and posted of herself on social media, she intentionally placed a book of satanic art porn, to fuel the many conspiracy theories (mostly dangerous falsehoods but with some truth) that a huge percentage of Americans believe. —It feels an awful lot like a huge percentage of the activist left and Democrats would stand by and do nothing if Antifa and BLM-affiliated rioters looted every person’s livelihood, burned down every home and business, and beat up or murdered every non-rich person in America. They would cheer it on. —Trump’s cult-like base would support him if he rounded up and executed every Democrat voter in the country. —Identity politics lunacy is deliberately pushed by every media organization to turn the masses against each other, in an intentional response to the resurgent class consciousness that fueled Occupy Wall Street. —“It’s all one big club and you ain’t in it!”

Helpful for me: When an intrusive thought arises, I try to not mentally 'turn and talk🗣️' to the thought. Because once I engage with this distressing thought, the snowball effect starts and I become more distressed. Instead, I will have to sit with an amount of discomfort, because naturally all I want to in that moment is 'turn and talk' back to the thought!! 😂. But I can learn to allow it to sit there and bring my attention back to what is going on in that moment around me. Believe me, it's a battle EVERY time, but I'm finally at least coming to terms with what I need to try differently than my usual unhelpful compulsions 😊👍

My harm ocd is killing me it will me like 24/7 not as bad now with medicine but it still there and it scares me. Anytime I see knives I get mental images off me stabbing people I love and get werid feelings tht I wouldnt do, it makes me cry. And school is stressing me out on too of it

So i want to tell people my story...so i was out with some freinds when i was 22 came home that night and i had a thought cant really remember the thought that clearly but it was just a thought about my mate. Then i was like what if im gay i was suffering from anxeity and still was about a year before that always been a worrier and an over thinker. So the next morning i was so depressed i had no idea how this thought came about i kept breaking down and thought my life was over i started taking flouxetine 20mg which helped me manage but i would have good days and bad days with these thoughts. Fast foward 15 years im 37 now 2 kids. I stoped taking my medication for 3 months because i thought i was doing ok ... well having good days and bad days and i thought i would try and come off my medication. So now i feel like i did when i was 22 but i think worse. My mind can not stop thinking about gay stuff i get thoughts nearly all day long and i just cant carry on like this i cant imagine being with a man. Ive started back on my medication now for 2 months 40mg of flouxetine and im still really struggling. I just dont know if its because i came of my medication for 3 months that this shit just got a whole lot worse. Any input would be appreciated ?

Does this happen to anybody else? It has happened to me before but this time its worse!! :( I keep doubting Gods exostencs and Jesus and I keep looking up reasons why they exis to try to find proof but my mind always say "that's not enough proof" I feel empty. I keep feeling like i dont believe anymore or that I've always believed a lie and it makes me sad. I want to believe, I really do. I want to have a day without a spiritual crisis. I want to love God and follow him and do the things I need to do but I can't until I figure out if that's what I believe or what I still believe 😭

Today I found out something really important, I think, about OCD treatment. Im doing ERP therapy in Spain with a very famous OCD specialist (he's like an angel to me) and I found out that the differences between US ERP and the ERP here are different. I think that US pacients have to write, or listen to obsessions... correct me if Im wrong and a lot of people take medicines. In Spain what we do is that we imagine a situation with the obsession and we dont compulse. Some months later, when the pacient is really better, you do it more directly, for example in harm ocd you do the same but holding a knive. A few people take medication only the very severe cases. This, has shown that the recovery is harder but it takes least time. I have seen so many of the patients that have recovered, they are living their happy lifes and it takes most of the times a year and a half. But to achieve this you have to complete the process... Another example, in latin america they focuse more on medication than in ERP. I think is interesting how is different between countries. HAVE A NICE DAY!!!

I just discovered what ocd is and I feel like Ive always had this without realizing it. Ive had various themes that lead to intrusive thoughts but recently I cant shake this one off. Its been soo soo bad and I hate living this way. I have sexual intrusive thoughts about a family member and I know I would never do that. Id rather lock myself up than do any of that. I tried to realize that my thoughts were irrational and my anxiety lessened until I read a post yesterday about a guy who said that his ocd fear turned real. He was having intrusive thoughts about men when he always seemed to like women. He says that now he only finds men attractive. I want to think that this person was also bisexual but didn’t want to admit it and thats why he had anxiety. Many people say we should just accept uncertainty but I just cant when it comes to the particular ocd thoughts I’m having. This is about a family member. I just can’t and this frightened me. Does anyone have some advice? This family member and I had such a good bond and I never thoight about this before until a weird thoight that randomly popped up once. Now I dont even want to be near that person. Pls I would appreciate any help! Thank you for reading in advance

Is my therapist right for wanting me to forgive myself? I have real event ocd and she says that I have to forgive myself and if I don't want to, there's nothing that she can do. But I feel that this is a wrong approach, I want to know I did nothing wrong!! I feel like if there's something I have to forgive, I admit that I really did something terrible...

I’m scared I’m evil but just really good at hiding it from people. I have bad thoughts and a lot of anger towards people as well as jealousy. But I try to let this slide. I’m so scared.

does anyone else have severe FOMO as a side effect of their OCD? like for example, i cannot go into a book store or a book section in a store without taking a thousand pictures of all the books. and if i don’t, i get that feeling that i’m going to miss something which makes me feel terrible. it’s just an endless cycle and i probably shouldn’t feed into it by taking all these pictures and obsessing. it sounds so silly when i talk about it but it really is a problem i feel like only gets worse. i have the tiktok app downloaded and that has also fed into the severe FOMO. i see so many videos of people traveling and going new places and i feel like if i don’t write down every place i see i’m going to miss out so horribly. i have the urge to just know as much information as possible at all times.

Probably has nothing to do with OCD for anyone else but for me personally it does in a way, but porn addiction is a serious thing that I've been trying to break from permanently as I'm older. Like all addictions all should be taken like drugs, alcohol and gambling. I feel pornography addictions on the other hand, aren't talked about enough since society still treats conversations of "sex" as taboo or whatever. Seriously, an addiction to porn can be scary. I really do feel like porn addiction has played a role in my OCD, since watching so much of it can skew your perspectives of what you used to view as a human being. Once your dopamine is constantly rewarded through the use of pornography, that does not make it better. It will crave more and more, meaning you will search harder and harder for the "best" video/image you want. Sex brain is also a completely real thing, and this is what happens when your brain is literally a drug that's addicted to nothing but sexual activity, with porn usually being the main indicator. At this point, you look for the most hardcore of pornography, which rarely gets to dark disastrous zones such as legitimate abuse, rape, or anything incredibly screwed up. Your mind trancsends from being flattered by the basics of pornography, only to keep looking for the darkest, shocking forms of videos that can be found. It's like locking someone in a dark room with nothing but themselves, separated from reality. It's bad enough when you already lose who you are when you're in your horny state, but that combined with an addiction is not the life I wish on ANYONE. The bottom line is, all addictions should be taken seriously and they should be brought into awareness of the mental disorders they can cause. Always maintain usages of things.

Is it possible to experience depressive episodes during bad OCD periods? Recently I’ve had no appetite or libido, I’m crying all the time and I rarely have any motivation.

My mom was the one who made me call my doctor to get set up for therapy and now that I finally found a therapist she’s telling me that she wants me to only go as little often as I can and cares more about me getting a job instead, pretty much insisting that that’ll fix all of my problems (but really she only wants that because $$$). Her and my dad play these mind games with me all the time and they’re the reason I’m like this in the first place. When I finally started opening up to them about all the things I’ve been struggling with they pretty much said it was my fault for not speaking out earlier when I knew that if I did they just wouldn’t understand. When they pull stuff like this is why I never said anything earlier. But no, it’s always my own fault. Maybe I should finally just off myself so they don’t have to worry about all the money I’m costing them anymore. It’ll put all of us out of our misery for good. Really don’t understand why they even had kids if all they do is complain about the responsibility of it. I didn’t ask to be born, and if I knew existing was gonna be this confusing and scary then I would have demanded not to if I could.

Does anyone with ROCD or HOCD notice an increase in intrusive thoughts during certain situations, but not others? I spend all night during work last night ruminating about my 8 year relationship with the love of my life and if I'm secretly gay and will have to leave her. Then I got off work and had a few drinks with my coworkers, during which I was able to be myself and felt mostly free of symptoms/ruminations. It was so nice. Now that I'm back home the intrusive thoughts are turned all the way up again. Is it normal for intrusive thoughts to increase when around my partner and subside when with others?

Does anyone else worry about the container of alcohol wipes being contaminated itself? How do y'all deal with contamination fears in the COVID era? Ive never had these fears before a month ago and they're centered around groceries being contaminated. Even though I have read everywhere that it's an unlikely mode of transmission, I'm gripped by fear when I touch groceries at home. I find wiping them down triggering because I do it over and over again until it feels right. Anyone have any guidance?

What kind of intrusive thoughts do you guys get with pocd? I feel like mine arent even intrusive and they are just me telling my self stuff. I cant tell the difference anymore :( i want to be normal again :,(.

TW I was doing well the past few days accepting everything...I started watching the haunting of bly manor and it sent me down another spiral and unfortunately I started ruminating and compulsively googling to relieve the anxiety...tw to anyone with hocd or soocd for what I’m about to say. Basically in the show the girl was going to get married to her childhood boyfriend but she was very unhappy and later revealed to him that she was a lesbian and after that he freaked out and got hit by a car and died. And obviously this was very triggering with me having hocd, making me worry what if I will not truly be happy with a man...what if that is not truly what I want...what if I string someone along like that and break their heart etc. now memories and other things are being brought up by my ocd...just when I thought I was getting better at managing it.