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I feel like hocd is never going to leave me 😞

HOCD and NoFap. Determining this shit once and for all. Hello everyone. This is my first time doing NoFap and I’m nervous, anxious, and scared about my possible HOCD. I’ve had numerous girl crushes over the years and never once considered myself gay or bisexual in the slightest. But approximately 5 months ago, my friends called me “sus” for knowing a gay scene from the movie moonlight, and I have been nonstop questioning my sexuality and my identity obsessively. As the months went by, memories which I had long since forgotten had begun to suddenly re-emerge. I remember getting erections to everything since I was a child, but the two most terrifying instances of memory were when I had erections to the Incredible Hulk game when I was 8-9. Everytime the hulk took heavy damage, he would start heavily breathing, and I got an erection to that. I then found masturbating at the age of 11, to a woman masturbating, and continuously did so during 2 years, leading to masturbating to gay porn three or four times when I was the age of 13-14. It was there when I got an erection to the gay scenes from the take me to church music video. When I first had a crush on a girl at the age of 13-14, I began to get erections to only women, masturbated exclusively to women for the next 6 years (I’m 19 now) and most importantly, never watched gay porn ever again. In fact I was so terrified at the notion of being gay, that I tried my best to get out of situations with men in large groups (such as the locker room and the public restroom). I never questioned my sexuality however, because I only fell in love with many women during elementary, middle, and high school, and had even dated a woman in my junior year. Flash foward to five months ago. Me and my friends were looking at Netflix and stumbled across the movie moonlight, and I knew the movie because it was an academy award winning movie, and the fact it was made by A24, a company that I love very much. Anyways, we stumbled across the scene in question, and I pointed out the movie to my friends and they in turn called me “sus” for knowing what the movie was and what the scene was too. I became terrified and reassured my friends that I wasn’t gay, but the thought became engrained in my mind and I have been obsessively going on every OCD forum I can to make sure what I have is HOCD. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual. I would never be involved with a man romantically or sexually, but all the memories and false attractions, groinal responses, and intrusive thoughts make me question everything and anything related to this mess.

i feel myself becoming depressed. i can’t do this anymore. i was so happy a few days ago. the happiest. until i was sitting in my car laughing having fun and the word “pedophile” just popped into my head. i walked into the store and saw a toddler walking around. i said awh he’s adorable in my head. i’m then another one popped into my head saying “what if i thought of him the wrong way” at first i was like i know i didn’t and i moved on. but then it just kept coming back. then soon i thought something was really wrong with me. maybe there was something deeper to it. and soon that escalated into now being afraid of being a pedo & for thinking kids are more than adorable :( i haven’t eaten in days. i just sit in my room and cry and feel so depressed and empty. i don’t understand how a few days ago i was so happy but now i feel there’s only one way out for me which is death. obviously i’m not a pedo but i fear to be around a kid and be attracted to him now. i feel so broken. words cannot describe how awful i feel. i feel like things will never get better. i have never felt this way abt an intrusive thought. this one is really sticking to me and i can’t stop thinking about it. as well as doing mental compulsions and fully trying to examine the thought and give myself reassurance but all my fear is just doubt. my mind isn’t satisfied. it always says what if. i’ve tried everything. nothing works. i’m not meant to be here anymore. i cannot live with myself if i am this sick gross disgusting person.

I think I’m going to turn off the forum page for this app because ever since I started using it my condition worsened. I think reading everyone’s symptoms has become a compulsion for me. And I’ve noticed I have a harder time calming down the more I use it. It’s just bad. Anyways thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. Currently dealing with a new theme: fear of psychosis and fear of believing thoughts that people are drugging me. I realize it’s not good to be on this app to rant, even talking about the thoughts makes it worse I feel. Anyways thanks again.

What causes someone to get ocd? Does everyone have it to some extent? It's crazy how I'm in my late 20s and this year is when I developed intrusive thoughts. It's also crazy how so many therapists don't know about hocd rocd etc and treat it as real issues. Also how nobody I know experiences this. I've talked to so many friends family and peers and they all say they've never had those types of thoughts and feelings or they did but it was a one time thing that quickly passed. I feel so alone and confused and feel like I'll always be obsessing and over thinking everything in life and never able to just have joy and peace

Why do i notice guys now ?. Im so depressed. Is it because my mind is constantly on the whole gay subject?

long rant.... does anyone else here feel triggered just by dating alone? when i go on dating apps my stomach is in full anxiety mode it can be fun definitely especially if youre lonely enough and all of a sudden im scrolling through photos and reading bios and laughing but there is this holy shit moment when someone matches with ... me now what?! and my mind plays out all the reasons i shouldnt talk to them or date them and i imagine them finding out i have ocd and i imagine all the baggage i come with and i also think about how because of that baggage i have like no experience ive only kissed two guys and been on three dates ... i know all of that is a turn off and eventually the guy will know im not what he wanted (im a woman by the way) and i just wish i could lose my virginity without anyone knowing i just wish i could be one of those chill girls that i know guys want they dont want to deal with a bunch of baggage and so i automatically feel bad for anyone who has to date me and im annoyed that i view it that way like well they chose to ask me out no one forced them to date me ... but my mind tells me youre tricking them youre just using them they dont know you are this and this and that and thats not fair to them they deserve a normal girl who can have sex on the 3rd date or hook up quickly and is free and confident with their body and i try to fight back those thoughts with i dont know what will happen stop self sabatoging but i just have such fear of being made fun of being rejected like i have this idea of what i should be at my age and the fact im not makes me feel such shame and i have to laugh at the idea that im 28 living with my parents again and work catering events like 4 times a month and ive never had a relationship or sex and i actually have the nerve to try to date these guys? like who am i to attempt this? i just feel like i dont deserve normal things and i also dont know how to go after things i want ... im also afriad that ill go on these dates and be a bad kisser or bad at sex and my hocd will go there proof your gay or asexual or whatever the fuck and im sure while im on the date my mind will be screaming intrusive thoughts at me that ill be having three jobs at once: 1) listen to them and figure out if you like them 2) talk about yourself a little 3) let your ocd yell at you but hide it from everyone actually 4 jobs 4) try to eat or drink without choking or spilling or making a fool of myself ... i just because of how long ive been alone the pressure just gets worse the older and older i get and i hate it its weird i dont consider myself someone who isnt flirty or is afraid of socializing if anything if someone hit on me in public i would definitely be a nervous wreck but i would be like okay this is happening organically my job is to just go with the flow but with apps this whole self advertising thing it almost all feels like this fake game of impressing people and does turn dating into job interviews where as if you meet someone in real life and they ask you out there is no question that they want to see you again the spark has been established these apps are like i enjoy your face in photos and the texting banter isnt bad lets meet up and see of this is a complete dumpster fire ... so then the whole date feels like this pressure to live up to your photo and live up to expectations of whatever they think you might be ... if someone likes you in real life from having hung out with you via mutual friends there is this flow where its like oh we are drawn to each other there is something here lets explore this but it doesnt feel like this desperate attempt at appealing to whoevers eye you are trying to catch and so yeah these apps give me anxiety but i do like some of these guys enough to want to talk im just scared ... ive been down this route before and usually when they eventually ask for us to meet up i find excuses or i ghost because i stress all the ways the date could be horrible and life ruining... anyway fun times

I would do anything to be normal

I was given up on. This had to happen to me eventually. I knew that this would happen. A redditor decided to DM me to try and help me with my HOCD. I was giving her all the facts she needed to know, and she was telling me to listen to her. So I calmed down and I told her I would listen, and she asked if I had anxiety. I started to tell her that I had anxiety and that I would rather have anxiety than be gay or bisexual, but she didn’t respond. So I was constantly asking if she was there and saying hello? (Bad move on my part and I apologize for that) and she told me she didn’t want to help me anymore because I seemed “impatient and annoying”. WTF? I was anxious and scared and I shouldn’t have annoyed you. I apologize for that. But I was willing to listen to what you had to say and was being respectful to you. I always listen to people and use their advice. That’s what I do with everyone I DM from the forum and thanks to them I’m feeling much better than I was 5 months ago. If the person who gave up on me is reading this, you’ve made me feel a lot worse than you could ever imagine. I’m sorry for annoying you however, and it was not my intention to do so.

having so many intrusive thoughts right now, they always attack when i don’t give them reactions and they get so graphic and disgusting, i wanna cry and break down and do compulsions but i also want to heal and just not even give them reactions. this is so hard. i hate this so much, i know who i am, but my ocd questions my morals every second and makes me feel like the most evil person in the world, i hate this.

Update: I’m improving hella. I’m still getting intrusive thoughts about doing sexual things and seeing images, as well as false attractions but the anxiety’s nearly gone. But that scares me. Does that mean I was gay this entire time? Does that mean I was bi this entire time? It brings up so many questions and logical fallacies that my head hurts and gives me a headache.

Being married with SOOCD is depressing enough to make me want to stay in bed all day. I’m a terrible wife and will probably never be fulfilled

So.. This got worse and worse.. I am awake for 34 hours, I feel so tired but dont want to sleep.. The thoughts are stronger than ever and now the focus is my niece and that is unacceptable.. I cant even think about her without something sexual atached to it.. I wont pretend these thoughts don't mean anything because they do.. That from day to night I became a monster.. Worse than that even... She is whats most important to me and I need to protect her. One week ago was really bad, but were minor things.. Now its the only thing that cant happen that comes to mind.. How did this happen? I just don't know anymore if I have POCD or just a pedo/monster.

I'm bisexual but I allways mastur... With girls and no with boys, but I always picture myself with a boy and I'm really happy doing that, all of that means that I don't like men? I'm scared as hell that i don't like men.

This might be a little confusing but any insight or anyone who can understand would help.. I'm a straight female dealing with what I hope is hocd and a lot of straight females I know say that they could never image themselves spending their life/kissing/having sex/being attracted to a woman etc. That it makes them uncomfortable, grossed out, doesn't feel right etc. My mind always tries to make me see it from a man's point of view or a gay woman's point of view and it's almost as if I can understand and feel what they feel about being with a woman and that gives me a lot of anxiety because if I really was straight wouldn't I not be able to understand or relate to that?? And when I think about those things I don't get uncomfortable or grossed out like my straight female peers. Also, I get uncomfortable or don't feel "right" when I imagine myself with certain guys idk if that's "normal" or not...ugh my head is just so overwhelmed Any replies would be appreciated

Struggling with an obsession currently. I’ve been doing so well! Feeling really guilty and defeated today. It is probably because I started my period. That’s probably why everything seems so intense. I was bathing my daughter the other night and I was washing her butt. I usually don’t even do it but because I was feeling better and comfortable between my meds and therapy, I figured I could muster up the courage to do it. I squally just avoid it all together or do it super quickly. I did it, and midway through I had the intrusive thought of “this is how it would be if I was molesting her.” I kind of just acknowledged the thought and let it pass. But then it moved to “I wonder if she even knows that I’m touching her butt right now, does she think it’s weird? If I WAS molesting her, would she be aware of it?” I always wondered if it made her as uncomfortable as it makes me, or if it’s all the same to her. So I continued to wash her there and checked her for a reaction. I immediately felt weird and panicked.just sharing my experience. Wondering if anyone can relate or if anyone has experienced anything similar.

Having such a hard time right now. My OCD is spiking this year. Well since the spring really. When Covid started I was handling everything well it seemed. Then I got comfortable in the routine of stayed home and developed some complacent behaviors. My wife brought up going home to our home town which is a 9 hour drive away in May. When Covid first hit I assumed travel was off the table for this year and convinced myself that it wouldn’t happen this year. Travel is a MAJOR trigger for me. We decided to wait till later the summer. We decided maybe the fall , ie thanksgiving. Now thanksgiving weekend is upon us and my wife brought up the trip again. Actually she brought it up a month ago on a Skype call with my parents. At that time I had basically a panic attack like I haven’t had in years. My parents tried to console me and convince me it was ok to not travel right now and to concentrate on improving my health. My therapist has agreed to work with me on it. Now I’m so confused and scared and sad I don’t know what to think. The pressure of traveling has made me moody and crooked. I’m blaming my state on others. It’s causing trouble between me and my wife. She really wants to go . She doesn’t want to enable me but doesn’t want the backlash. I also don’t wanna be the guy who prevented my family from a nice trip where my daughter can see her grandparents. I’m so hurt and confused. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Hi everyone, this is probably going to be long, so sorry for that I need some assurance.. Im going mad I don't see a doctor in 15 years because I thought that whatever I end up having I get better or I just die, so I have no ideia If I have OCD. But you know what Im afraid.. Being a pedophile. Im 30, and a week ago I was living my normal life and suddenly out of nowhere I get a horrrible thought.. Hurting a child. I realize that and start thinking what the hell, why did that pop in my head? And start analyzing it over and over in my head and I began being overwhelmed with thoughts of hurting children, and I worried more and more, couldnt stop thinking about it.. I barely slept that night When I woke up, the thoughts slowly came back but worse, now it was sexual related.. And thats when my life truly became hell on earth. These thoughts/images were pretty much in mind all the time and anything would trigger, sometimes not even a trigger is needed, they just appear and get stuck in my head.. Like there was two me in my mind. And without realizing, I started doubting myself.. Will I ever hurt children? Am I evil? Am I.. a pedo? I started walking inside my house randomly when it gets really bad, shaking my feet or legs when sitting, and I check my penis all the time now.. I even compare the size it is and sometimes if its even 1cm longer, I panic and do it all over again.. mind you I never got an erection.. I even torture myself thinking about these thoughts just to check and it pains me, makes me feel physically sick even. These things are pretty much automatic, I do them without even realizing it sometimes. I argue with myself in my mind, i seek comfort in memories but they are somewhat changed making me doubt even more.. I avoid thinking about my niece that I love and miss so much, just so these horrific images/thoughts don't show her. My head feels so heavy, like its about to explode, I thought about killing myself, I avoid children, just the mere mention of one makes me anxious and worried.. What if Im really a pedo? What if I end up hurting children? What if? What if? Always what ifs.. But then I get the thought that I am a pedo and have to accept it and I argue with that thought trying to prove its wrong and the reasons.. And so on and on I don't even masturbate anymore with these thoughts popping in my head I never had these thoughts before, always loved women and their body and never had thoughts about children like that in my life. My life was always a mess, depression, backstabs from people I trusted, anti-social and social awkward, emptyness, and so on... But then my niece was born and she was like a light in that sent my hollowness away.. She is 7 and she is a part of my life since she was born, we are very close.. Im not even joking when I say that when she was little, she would cry if I had to leave, but she wouldn't if her dad or mom went away as long as she was with me.. she gave my life a meaning, made me feel like someone important in this world and I vowed to protect her at all costs.. And now I am afraid if she comes near me, I am afraid she will think I don't love her.. Its breaking my heart just thinking about it.. She is the most important person to me in the world.. And now I need to protect her.. From me.. I cry everyday, I cant find comfort anywhere, I argue with myself all the time, I feel a demon.. Or even worse than that.. I honestly just want it to end, I pray for that everyday.. I can honestly say that this is and will always be the worst thing that happened to me and Im 100% sure of it. This is hell on earth for me, I would rather be dead, crazy, a killer, whatever.. I dont know for how long I can endure this.. Its pretty hard, trust me.. I cant enjoy what little life I had before.. I just want to die, I even told God to just kill me cause I cant take it anymore.. And its been only one week of this.. Ever since my hell started, I do google searches regarding these thoughts everyday and try to find some comfort and yesterday I posted my situation on a YouTube video of a girl talking about POCD and I felt much better that night.. Like I was me again, didnt have any of these thoughts but I could hear a low voice in my head all the time saying that I should worry, are you a pedo? You are a pedo, etc.. But I ignored it and it was a relief.. I always thought my life before this was baby, but that night my previous life looked like the best thing ever.. I was so happy, I thought about my niece clearly without any random shit that my brains decides to pop added, I cried, I thanked god, I thought I was myself again.. But then I woke up.. And for a while these thoughts and images were trying to gain control but I stood strong for a while.. And now Im here.. I lost the battle.. So.. Can I have some kind of OCD or am I just a monster? Please be honest.. Cause if I end up being indeed a pedo, I will make sure I will never see my niece again, never be near kids or watch shows with them, I will tell my family about the monster I am and will seek castration or something. BTW, like yesterday, talking about it is making me feel better.

Now my HOCD’s making time think that I was using straight and lesbian porn to cover up my identity. Fml. Why do these thoughts keep happening? I’m literally accepting and agreeing with my thoughts but they’re still there and so are the false attractions. FML! WHY CANT THIS JUST GO AWAY?

this lady summed up erp to me as this: imagine a cold deep pool of water. you dip your toe in and take it out because it is freezing. the same is for erp because it is cold at first and we don’t want to jump in (be exposed to our fears). Then, we have had enough of being outside of the pool (suffering from ocd) and decide to jump in and give it a shot (start erp). At first it is cold and makes us want to get back out (erp gets worse before it gets better and we want to reassure ourselves). But over time we warm up and get better (the outcome of erp).