Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I’m new here, and I decided to download this app because I’ve been having some weird thoughts for quite a long time. These thoughts might or might not have to do with my illnesses but I’m not sure. So ever since I was little I’ve had urges to harm people and myself, not because I WANT to be the cause of someone’s death but I just have impulses that make me want to do really, really horrible things. I self harm a bit, and when I get these impulses I usually search for pictures of dismembered bodies and things along those lines. I’ve had bad impulses involving myself and others, one time I was close to stabbing my mom and I don’t get it. When I tell people they usually say that I’m messed up, and I agree. I’ve also been having some pedophelic thoughts, and I’ve never really felt bothered by them until a couple of days ago. I had a really messed up dream about sexually abusing two children, and I’m way to ashamed to talk to my therapists about it. It might be one of those impulsive thoughts, but it bothers me that my thoughts don’t disturb me. I’ve never been abused in any way, I have an amazing family. I don’t get it. These thoughts of mine have usually circled around self harm, suicide, jumping off high things, and murder, but it’s just quite recently that this other thing comes to mind. If I don’t respond to any texts it’s because I easily get a lot of anxiety, but I’ll respond sooner or later. Sorry for such a long post. //Adam

HOCD has took everything from my life, i have nothing.. no car, no money, little friends, my family can barely stand me i feel like a burden. I dropped out of college, i have no direction in life, im also an alcoholiic because it stops the gay thoughts and i feel normal. Ive lost 4 girlfriends over this too and currently dont have a job. Im 25 years old and i feel like my life is over.

Does anyone else’s OCD cause them to be hyperaware or background noises (hum of refrigerator, fan, distant traffic, etc.) and make your hearing incredibly sensitive? If so, how do you push your way through it? Mine gets to the point where I can hear all these things that the mind normally tunes out, and then I fear I am having “hallucinations” because I get thoughts about how “I mean it kind of sounds like a whistle, or this or that” and then it causes panic due to my health anxiety and fear of psychosis. My psych has said this is a part of OCD and that I’m focusing on the noises and coupling them with intrusive thoughts, but I’m curious how others have fought this and gotten through.

POCD people, thought you might find this exposure helpful. I am not trying to reassure you and hinder progress, but to give a bit of background to this exposure so that it can be of use. So, I have done a lot of research in scientific journals about female arousal (not so much male but many of the same points will apply). It is a scientific fact that, although women have no desire to mate with apes, they respond with physical arousal signals to images of ape penises. With this in mind, even though at a point in your life you probably would not have considered even the possibility that you were attracted to or turned on by children, now your brain is plagued by the idea; a thought has become stuck. So, let’s bear in mind that humans can have a physical arousal response to apes. Let’s also bear in mind that the humans involved in studies were not people who subjectively found apes attractive or appealing (so no, zoophilia is not relevant). These women did not want to have sex with apes, or have romantic feelings for them. With all of this in mind, try to accept the possibility that a normal person like you could feel a physical arousal response towards a child. Even if you don’t believe that you could, you know that this thought is stuck and needs some help to get out of your head. Now repeat after me: Maybe I can be aroused by children. Maybe not. It does not say anything about me as a person.

Feeling like a horrible person. I feel so bad about my existence right now. I just want someone to comfort me. Anyone online?

Dear all, I could really do with some advice from someone having experience with ocd about washing. I'm soo fed up with it right now. Whenever I'm out with someone they usually touch all kinds of surfaces that a million people before them have already touched, they touch their face, eat without washing their hands before, they touch me and it's grossing me out. I can literally see the germs being transferred from one surface to the other and I can't stop worrying about it (these days it's even worse due to Corona) and it's so bad that I'm having troubles following the conversation. It's really annoying and I want it to stop. Can anyone give me some ideas about how to tackle this? Suggestions for exposures? Experiences? I'd really appreciate it.

“But I’m not even performing compulsions!” I see people on this forum suffering a lot to understand why they seemingly aren’t performing compulsions, but their obsessions persist. What I also notice is that within the same post (sometimes even the same sentence!) people are actually performing mental compulsions. Understanding and identifying mental compulsions is one of the hardest parts of learning to deal with your OCD. If you can’t figure out when to say to yourself, “hey, that’s a compulsion!” and stop, recovery is much harder. I found this nice resource online that explains mental compulsions better than most others (way too many out there summarize mental compulsions as simply counting or wishing... ugh.) So here it is: http://www.steveseay.com/pure-o-ocd-obsessions-mental-rituals/ An excerpt: “Mental rituals are varied and include such activities as repeating certain words or phrases in one’s head, counting, reviewing/checking memories, intentionally thinking “positive thoughts” to counteract “negative thoughts”, pre-planning words before speaking, making mental lists of similarities between one’s own experience and others’ experiences, conducting online research to prove or disprove a fear, or repeating/restarting prayers due to distraction or worry that one’s prayers are not 100% genuine. For some individuals, mental rituals also include complex cognitions. Complex mental rituals often begin simply with one of the following statements or questions and then take on a life of their own: OCD Mental Rituals - “I would never do that…but what if I do?…I don’t want to…but what if I secretly do?” - “Why is this happening?” - “When will this stop?” - “I can’t live this way…” - “I need to know…” - “I’ll never be strong enough to face this…” - “I wouldn’t be having these thoughts if I didn’t secretly want this…” - “Maybe I need to act on these thoughts to finally be rid of them and feel closure…” - “It’s always going to be this way…” - “I can’t take the chance, because if I did…” - “If I could just figure this out, I would be able to move past it and it wouldn’t bother me anymore…”

To anyone who has been professionally diagnosed with OCD: how were you diagnosed and what was it like?

I’ve been dealing with ROCD and HOCD for the past year, and finally a therapist listened and diagnosed me with OCD. I’m wondering if anyone who has dealt with these themes has any advice for exposures (I know it’s super personal but I end up drawing a blank) and if anyone has any words of encouragement and recovery!

How can I accept the uncertainty around how I told my friend a really big secret about me that she could tell others and quite literally ruin my life?! It feels weird to say, but I wouldn’t be able to live if people found out. I’m scared she’ll get mad at me or even just accidentally say it to someone one day. And I find it hard to accept that scenario!

Anybody else’s ocd stressing out about corona virus?? ?

Is anyone else starting to regret treatment? I had moderate contamination OCD gr hat I had JUST gotten a handle on, and now because of COVID-19 I feel like the world suddenly expects me to act...exactly the way I was, and I KNOW the difference, but I’ve been guilted out of purell as part of “treatment” and now we actually need it I don’t have any and feel guilt buying it. I’m just really starting to wish I’d never gotten help ?

My hocd has just been horrible today. I’m so anxious, but super confused because like I’m having hocd problems but an hour ago I cried over my ex-boyfriend again. I just want to say, in my heart and gut I know I’m straight I just want the confusion of ocd to go away.

Fear of/disgusted by thought of sex. Feels like I’m playing tug-a-war in my brain that I used to love having sex vs. a sudden anxiety towards it. I battle it in my head all day. Tips to start to return to my old sex drive? I miss it! Do I just have sex even though I’ve been avoiding it? Will that help the fear/disgust? Or will that hurt me more?

Hello everyone. I’m pretty new here. Just wanted to know if anyone’s tried Expose Response Therapy on their own If so, how did they do it on their own? Thank you. SAMSON

Need some techniques for avoiding compulsion to remove marks, imperfections from painted walls at home. See a mark or imperfection and have immediate need/compulsion to remove it. Exhausting!

why don’t i hate my HOCD thoughts anymore. today i decided to face my fear, the fear was if i actually tell myself “yh i’m bi” then i’ll end up liking girls so i said fuck it i’ll do it and i didn’t feel anything well and truly and if anything that gave me clarity i have this friend and we are really affectionate with each-other we always hug and shit like normal and i didn’t want to not hug her to give in to my compulsion so i acted as normal then i kept getting these thoughts saying “you must like her and it’s true since you’ve admitted you’re bisexual” and it freaked me out and i kept pulling away from her then in class she blew me a kiss and i blew her one too and i felt so awkward and uncomfortable and my mind was like “see what happened, you should’ve never accepted it cuz now you like your best friend” the thing is it doesn’t feel real at all but my fear is that what if i become friends with a girl who isn’t straight and i’m in a situation where we are really affectionate with each other and then i end up liking her which i do not want at all i faced another fear the other day too my fear was “if i tell my mum about my HOCD she’ll think i’m gay and say it’s ok if i feel that way and then i’ll start liking girls” well that’s exactly what happened (minus the liking girls part) my mum said if i was she’d be okay with it but the thought of being with a girl didn’t make me happy at all so that gave me clarity. but now all my thoughts are linking together in one big whirlpool and i’m right at the middle all my thoughts consist of: “if you liked a girl your mum wouldn’t mind” “you told yourself you’re bi so just go with it you can’t take it back” “you noticed that girl in the street and you said you were bi which means you like her” “you didn’t find that boy, who all your friends found good-looking, good-looking as well which is sign that it’s true” “you don’t hate your instructive thoughts anymore which obviously means you’re bi” “you’ll never be with a guy after all this” “you’re attraction to that guy is fake” “you’re lying to yourself just accept it and stop denying it” “all you’re friends are gay in some way so you must be too” “would it be the worst thing liking a girl” i want to scream i thought i was helping myself by facing my fear but now i feel like i’ve made it worse. i didn’t feel anxious at all which kinda scared me and it’s like my mind is so use to feeling anxiety that it started all over again. FUCK. i just want to have a boyfriend i saw this tiktok about how gay people bribe after school and i remember before this bullshit started i said “i’m gonna thrive after i finish school” AND I DONT KNOW IF THAT HAS ANY LINK BUT I WANNA SCREAM.

I keep remember boys I dated when I was younger and how I wasn’t attracted to them and now I’m like oh proof. Lol what 13 hasn’t dated some questionable men. I’m also confused because when I try to pictures sex with men I now feel nothing but worry. Damn, it’s been an exhausting week even without all of this!

Living with the fear of going crazy. Hey everyone, through my journey living with OCD I’ve had many different themes. The most enduring one was Harm OCD, but I would also have intermittent POCD thoughts. It wasn’t until the last few years that I developed a new theme: the fear of developing psychosis/schizophrenia. While this theme seems to be far more common, it is my experience it isn’t really noted in most of the conventional information you might find online. In all the books, websites, videos, and blogs I’ve digested, I’ve only seen it mentioned a few times. But a perusal online shows that in many OCD communities, it’s a common fear. That’s why, for those of you who are suffering or may suffer with this theme, that I find it important to share the experience openly. During the day-to-day, depending on the intensity of the obsessions, it can have a profoundly limited effect on your life. You want to avoid any scenario that might trigger the thoughts, but the avoidance leads to ever-increasing isolation. Personally, I’ve found actively participating in treatment and ERP has helped me maintain most of my regular responsibilities and habits. In the past, an OCD spike could really derail my life. And while I’m certainly dealing with more intrusive thoughts than “usual” at the moment, knowing I have the support of the community and my therapist helps me stay on course. It is without question that without treatment, my suffering would be greater than it is now. I have tools now to manage it that I never had before. It’s important to remember that no matter the theme, someone else is experiencing it. And within that theme, the particular thoughts aren’t really the issue. It’s our response and relationship to them. OCD is incredibly creative, and many with OCD tend to be reflective and conscientious people! You may have all manner of odd, strange, or disturbing thoughts. And that’s ok! Although it seems like a tired cliche, you’re never truly alone. If you have this theme, and are comfortable sharing, it can help others feel that they can be open and without judgement. I hope this has helped someone who felt isolated. Thank you!

I need some encouragement. I’m trying to delay a compulsion and my brain is screaming at me that if I don’t do it, I’ll HAVE to do the thing I fear doing (breaking no contact with my abusive ex after 2.5 years). I obviously don’t want to do this so it’s what my OCD i is glommed onto. Please help!