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I would like to talk to someone who gets porn addiction and wont judge me.

Please again!!! As a HOCD sufferer I just suddenly thought a lesbian music vid was a bit cute and I did not get appropriately disgusted or anxious and I'm worried that means I'm lesbian or something!!! :(

Past porn addiction and moral scrupulosity. I REALLY need someone to advise me with this. When I was young I was exposed to porn on the internet, I wish I had never found porn websites but all through my teen years I viewed porn on the internet and developed an addiction to it but I was young and naive back then about porn. When I started learning about porn, reading online articles etc (on fightthenewdrug website/nofap etc) and I learnt about how immoral and unethical porn is I stopped viewing porn completely. I have a huge distaste for it and I'm disgusted by it. I've not watched porn in 2 years, I never will again. I'm glad the addiction to it has completely vanished but in place of it is shame. So much shame and guilt, and combined with my obsessive personality I have severe moral scrupulosity over it. I constantly feel immoral for ever watching it, I randomly remember porn videos from years ago that I came across and I have constant "what ifs?". "What if I should go back to that site, find the video and report it to the site to makesure everything was ethical and safe, consensual?". The thing my brain isnt understanding is that yes that side of porn does exist (the unethical side) but it's not that clear where and if and so you cant be sure or save anybody or anything. But I feel hyper responsible for some reason. This is a constant thing. I only viewed porn on the usual popular safe websites and as far as I know they comply with the law and regulate their sites but how can they be sure everyone and everything was and is safe? I just cant and idk how to accept this. I just dont know how to get rid of the memory of that part of my life. Most people feel so proud and happy they've kicked a porn addiction out of their life, I feel constant regret, shame and immoralness for ever even going onto pornwebsites in the first place and forming an addiction. It feels worse that I'm a girl as most people think only boys can get addicted to porn.

I just can’t get past what I’ve done which makes me scared I’m bi or lesbian

I am going through the most bizarre theme right now and I don’t even want to post it because it’s so random and embarrassing

Hello! I have a phobia of a particular number which I associate with Satan and it gives me severe stress and anxiety. It causes me to have to do hours of rituals to feel “okay” again, and I try to avoid it at all costs. Today, as I was driving (which is also an ocd trigger for me) I saw a license plate with that number. I freaked out and have been in crisis mode for the past couple hours. I was wondering if anyone had tips on how to move forward after being at a high anxiety state for so long. Numbers are unavoidable and I was wondering if people had tips or tricks for coping? Thank you

You think that they're might be a link between being raised catholic and some people having ocd entirely based on the doubt of if they did something or not and the guilt that causes?

Having a fear of statutory rape. In 2009 I met a woman on the internet who was Native American but her age was older than me. I was 23 years old and she was 26. It was the first time I lost my virginity. I never saw her ID but a couple of things I do know, people search indicates she is of the age she said she was, her appearance appears age appropriate, she has a boyfriend now who is near her age, her best friend she went to highschool with is older than me, she purchased cigarettes and alcohol indicating she presented an ID, she had a kid who was around 7 years old, drove a car and worked at a sport mart as a cashier. Part of the fear is she was a known liar who claimed to speak many languages, be an artist, she claimed she had been raped by others (not me) and would have me verbally attack them. She was married as well. I never was allowed to meet her family. Part of my fears are what if the person I met wasnt really who she said she was or lied about her age or someone who looked like her? I know this is irrational thinking and that likely this is nearly impossible but it creates fear and has been having a negative impact on me as well as my wife. I think the fear is the sex offender registry or consequences.

Please someone in here that’s bi write I. This comment

Anyone else have Health OCD around the fear of psychosis? It’s made me so hyperaware of all sounds and movements it makes me feel like I’m slipping. My psychiatrist has assured me that I am far from psychosis, but how have others overcome this fear?

i don’t deserve to feel good things or be alive.

Please answer this. Do you sometimes just get a "bad feeling". Like not intrusive thoughts but a bad feeling and then intrusive thoughts related to your theme but you cant really make sense of them if you try to explain them out loud. I have moral scrupulosity, so I just randomly get a stomach sinking feeling, and then I will get intrusive thoughts but I cant really explain the event or reason why I feel how I feel, it doesn't make much logical sense. I hope I'm not the only one that feels like this.

Tell me your point of view on this, I beg you. I feel like for me it is all or nothing. I have this small rituals, like placing things in the certain way and I can easily skip them. But the main danger is feeling "dirty". I can be dirty all day without consequences, but If l'm "dirty" while going to sleep, the only soultion in the morning is to clean everything. Wash the sheets, clothes, things that I touched. What I'm trying to say is that if I fail, even in the littlest thing, the only solution for my ocd will be to clean everything. Cleaning just a little won't help. Everything or nothing. Cleaning everything means starting exercises from the beginning, cleaning takes hours or a whole day. And I live together with my boyfriend, he does not know, but just his presence helps me a lot. It's because of him that I feel like I could go all in. I can't change sheets every day. So I feel like I can't go step by step, I feel like I need to go all in. In ERP you face being uncomfortable step by step, but as I say, there is no mild version for me. Small rituals doesn't matter, lately I skip them all the time and I'm fine with it. But if I let go of just one thing connected to being dirty, do not fix it in the evening and go to sleep dirty, it will jump to the extremum. And as time will pass by, I will touch more things, wear more clothes, so there will be more and more dirty things around me and I will need to ignore it. If I want to keep exercising, I need to resist cleaning sheets, clothes and myself (cleaning myself as a compulsion), so I will be uncomfortable all the time. Every single minute. If I do this one step, the only step there is, the only that matters, I will be extremely uncomfortable all the time. Not for a while, it won't be a short exercise. Because of my boyfriend, I feel like I can go all in and somehow it will turn out fine, just because he is with me, loves me and I love him and I want for us to have a "normal", happy life. I believe I can't go step by step, because there is just this ultimate step of going to bed "dirty". I'm ready to go all in, but I wonder, is it even possible to turn out fine this way?

Real event OCD is taking over me right now. I can't decide what's rational and what's irrational. I feel as though the anxiety it suitable punishment for my stupid behaviour, particularly an event from when I was 14, but I hate the effect it has on others around me. I just want to be a good person, and make people happy. I want to feel like I deserve love and friendship, but this one event is holding me back right now. It makes every kind thing I do seem worthless. I don't think I deserve anything good in life. I spend my time Googling constantly to see if anyone has experienced anything similar, but everyone else seems to have been younger when it happened to them, and I feel as though I should have known better at 14. I don't know how to carry on.

I feel so fat like is it bad that I'm 14 and I'm 5 feet 3ish inches and I weigh 51 kg (112 lbs)? I feel so bad and my body dismorphia goes crazy at the thought that Im fatter than other females. I'm just drinking black coffee to reduce my appetite but I still have the need to deprive myself even more. Is that gonna be ok?

Ocd has completely distorted my mind :(

Can’t even talk to guys without getting extreme anxiety I get extreme anxiety with guys I don’t know but I’m comfortable with my friends can anyone relate? I know I don’t want guys but I can’t help but look at them

Ok guys.. If there’s anyone willing to help me. This is a long story of my love life and my mental historic. So if you find any time to read this and help a confused 16 boy, please don’t hesitate. Ok let’s go.. My memories are a bit vague but as I can remember my first “crush” was a girl from kindergarten. I spent a lot of time with her I rememeber even teelin mom to buy us valentien’s candies as she did. After that there comes a big blank in my straight life. Since idk pretty young i think i was 6,7 my father used to cheat on my mom. I was very happy with mom, I didn’t receive much of a warm love of my father I was quite scared of him most of the time. So she cheated on her and he did the mistake to take me to his mistress. I always found mom crying in my bedroom cause she knew, I saw dad screaming her punching her being violent with her. So i decided i decided i would take mom to that woman place . So another fight started, where me as a kid i got involved i was also screamed at, punched.. however the things chilled out. This scenario happened again 4 years after as my mom didnt get a divorce and much more fights where me and mom were sittin with all our baggages to leave him. Somehow we didnt. So.. i don’t know but i ve got this feeling that in my brain it was produced a lack of masculine help, a paternal figure or i really don’t know. Cause since I was guys and I’m not kidding 8-9 years old I used to watch photos of muscled man and touch myself, to get that feeling of protection, so in my mind there was produced idk a complex of inferiority from all the other men. Of course I used to be very girly, I even used to play with dolls.. so idk some gay chemicals were released in my brain or i really don’t know. This continued for almost 6 years where I was almost sure I was gay like I think I was even preparing for coming out but I still prayed God would help me cause something felt wrong, I also used to feel like a piece of shit after masturbation. So yeah... I was always inferior, always dreaming of being dominated and safe oh god these thoughts make me sick. However, HIGHSCHOOL CAME. Yes, everything was good untill I met this guy let’s call him David. David was obviously gay or bi. He was 2 years older than me and we started to get along. I think i had a crush in him and he liked me, so we started to talk more. The thing is that this relationship for me was awful. That year was the most awful. I FELT LIKE SHIt. I used to deal with THE BIGGEST ANXIETY OF MY LIFE. I used to shit myself 24/7. I always felt bad. I WAS SKINNY AS HELL. I WAS ILL as fuck. That relationship was draining me but somehow I managed to continue. mom, seeing my mental and physical status at that time got me to a psychiatrist where I said that idk why I feel anxiety. My friends were also really bad like snakes, like those kind of mean girls that were always ruminating and idk.. energy drainers. I also had none male friends. I was a piece of shit. So fast forward 3-4 months when I didn’t speak to David anymore. Things chilled out a bit. Just as he texted me to go for a date. I was literally shittin on me. When we met I was shaking I still rememeber my skinny pale face. It felt so wrong, It didn’t feel like romance fear it felt like edge of the hell. So idk we walked, we stayed at a pub for a while, and after that he got me somewhere a bit more private and wanted to kiss me. That moment felt like ww2. I was scared and even as ok seemed at that time a bit disgusted. So I refused . The date ended there we chated a bit after and that was it. From that moment my life started slowly regenerating. I started feeling a lot better with my anxiety. I started meditation. I started eating more, gaining weight and doing sport (which I never did before) and as these healthy habits came into my life I also started spotting girls . That happened just after a month, in May. I started being more productive and as I was wondered by discovering the beauty of girls women till then I so blind to see. As my self esteem grew, the vision that I have to be “protected” by a man, I took the charge, me being that man who is ready to protect a girl and love her. So it was really about how confident I felt on myself. There were some times where the “be protected mentallity came as when we were traveling and i don’t know the city so i feel like a stranger with no identity, yeah this type of thoughts came but i ignored them . So yeah basically, my life turned 180 . I got more muscled I started talking to girls make more friends and get rid of the bad ones, FEEL A LOT BETTER. And yeah laugh at the old version . I also started having females crushes School started I was feeling ok. I still remember the first day where there was a huge croud of students and I was looking for my crush (obviously a girl). Girls were telling me if I worked out I felt fine as hell. I started makin male friends . So yeah feeling good. October came and guess who called, David. It felt like the sky had fallen over me . So yeah i experienced a bit of anxiety and really bad mood that evening and my mom saw me and felt there was something wrong. So she came into my bedroom and I told her everything I told you guys about David that happeded 8-9 months ago . She deserved to know the truth. It felt like pushing a big stone off my chest. She huged me and said it was fine, she totally understood me and me i thought she was going to consider me crazy. Not at all! She reassured me that it was ok, it was all in the past and yeah. So I ended every bond with the past. November 2019 came and I started experiencing some thoughts like . Oh look that guy looks good. Thought which before I surpressed just by saying ok cool. And yeah that was it. But now there s something more “remember when you were gayy yeaahh, im the ghost and ill haunt you for the rest of your life” so i just keep having these thoughts, takin past as evidence. Even if in 100% sure i don’t want to be neither emotional neither sexual with a guy that gross me out like shit . There’s a old voive which still lives in my head . Sometimes I get gronials but as I tell myself man we are equal that guy and me we are equal, they disappear. I also experience dreams and lots of thoughts I hate, that are slowly waisting my energy. I know I can love only a woman truly, I want to spend my life with women, have sex with women and so on. But yeah, first I have to kill some ghosts. In the late weeks I quited meditation I haven’t done so much sport as before and yeah lack of productivity If you guys read all of this , I’ll pray for you my friends. If you have any advice, please, please help me.

Hey, I wanna share something. I have cocd, which is triggered by the things that I believe are "dirty". But they are not necessarily dirty, they rather remind me of bad memories, some really sad moments of my life. There were rituals and long hours spent on cleaning myself, but I could cope. It was bad and every day was a struggle, but compared to the next paragraph, it was still fine. Next, came this miserable time in my life, a few months, and some of the things I used back then are still massively contaminated, like clothes, pillows, some small objects. I threw almost all of them away and I even moved, because I believed everything there was contaminated. This few months were scary, dark and lonely. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about this time. It was better afterwards, after I moved and started a new life like one year ago. I'm better now, not good, but better. Compared to earlier, I feel like I'm on holidays. I live together with my boyfriend and he does not know. I really really love him, I want to be "normal" and live a happy life with him. Just the fact that he's with me, helps me a lot. Sometimes I think, that I can resign of all of my rituals and just focus on being with him and pursuing my dreams. And I keep asking myself, is that possible? Or ocd will hit me twice as hard if I do this? The thing with me is, that I do little rituals that I can skip if I try, but there are big things like going clean to bed. If I'm not sure if I was clean going to bed, I will clean all of the bed sheets the next day and all of the things that I contaminated. With my bf, when we are sleeping together, it won't be possible, so I try hard to be clean before sleeping. I can be dirty all day, if I just put my clothes in the washing machine at the end if the day. But if I go to sleep dirty, there is going to be hell. I would need to cleam everything. There were two times when I "let go of all the rituals" and it ended badly. But at times, I didn't have loving bf that was near me. So, would it work now? To just let go? Or it will just make things worse?

I have an honest confession to make about my HOCD: (1) I used to touch myself while looking lesbian porn. Outside of this I never had a crush on a girl nor did I desire doing those irl but ever since HOCD came I feel like thats a sign of me being lesbian....I honestly don't know what to do ?