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Anyone could talk about hocd?

Deleted the old post to add a trigger warning! The last thing I want to do is trigger someone, but I am very proud of how far I’ve come since I’ve spent many a night agonizing over sexuality and OCD. I hope people can see that you can have HOCD and be proud of your story and your sexuality. That’s all I want to do here, much love to everyone! (And apologies to those who were having conversations under my post, I just don’t want to trigger anyone so I felt like I should delete it). Old post: I’ve come to realize I’m bisexual, which is honestly ironic since I grew up with an intense fear of being gay because of my OCD... it feels like part of me was just suppressing my real feelings because of a traumatic incident that happened when I was a kid... which I think is why I have OCD in the first place. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my life by repressing myself because of OCD and I still have a lot of self doubt about wether I AM actually attracted to women or not. Does anyone else have an experience like this? I feel like realizing your sexuality later in life (and I mean after teen years, I’m only in my early 20s) can be normal for some people, but with the OCD on top of it you have to deal with a whole other level of internalized homophobia.

“Compulsory heterosexuality is the idea that heterosexuality is assumed and enforced by a patriarchal and heteronormative societ” Damnit what if I have this and not HOCD

Any recovery stories of HOCD/ SO-OCD?

Hey guys! I know this isn’t ocd related... but I’m in a pickle. A love pickle. And I need help. Long story short, my boyfriend and I broke up a week ago. We’d been dating for only 5 months, but we were friends for much longer. The breakup was mutual, and likely caused by his depression and my ocd and anxiety. Together, it put us in a really difficult time where he needed space, and I needed attention. Unfortunately, those two things didn’t go well together at the same time. Before we broke it off, I was in a really bad place. I had an extremely low opinion of myself and was starting to cut myself. It’s been one of the most challenging things I’ve gone through, and I felt horrible subjecting him to all of it. So we broke up. His reasoning was that he was extremely depressed and wanted to be alone, and that he didn’t know if he had the ability to be in a relationship right now, and to give me what I needed. Mine was similar. I wanted to work it out, but ultimately I understood that I needed to figure out what was going on with me, and that it was unfair to him to continue the pressure that was accumulating. We both still care a lot about each other, and have a lot of mutual friends. When we were together, it was the most beautiful relationship I’d ever been in. I’d never known what it was like to be in love with your best friend until this. (For all you mbti geeks out there, he was an intp and I’m an infj). We had our first kiss on our college football field in the middle of the night. He convinced me to break in with him. He was the one person who could get me to let loose (and because you all have ocd too, you understand how hard that can be sometimes). He was the one who made me reevaluate the way I saw the world. The one who made me think. The one who made me laugh. He’d never disrespect me, and never thought that my ideas were crazy. But the timing... I think the timing was wrong. If he hadn’t broken it off, I don’t think I would’ve realized that I didn’t love myself. I went to extra therapy sessions in the past week. I plan on going to group therapy. I plan on increasing the frequency I attend therapy. I met with some of our mutual friends this week. It was the first time I’d realized I’d been paranoid that they hated me, when they really do love me. (I had a lot of bullying from a roommate that was also a mutual friend, which caused my mental health to plummet, ultimately ushering the end to my relationship). I realized I want to love myself again. And then, another thing hit me. I was still in love with my ex. And it wasn’t the begging, pleading, desperate “love” so many people go through when they first break up with someone. I was looking online, trying to find some way to get over it, trying to find some ways to cope— And then I saw something that dug a pit so deep in my stomach that it absolutely terrified me. Just one sentence. “If you really love someone, you want the best for them, even if what’s best for them means being away from you.” And I did. My last ex, I screamed and begged and cried and tried everything to win him back. Last time, I was desperate. This time, I was patient. I texted him to thank him for the relationship. He texted me back reciprocating. Maybe it’s just the breakup feels getting to me... but I started to feel this conviction that this whole thing wasn’t right. I mean, that was my best friend. We still have so much care for each other, even if we can’t give it right now. He agreed to meet me for dinner on Monday night. I’m freaking out. Originally my plan was to figure out boundaries around mutual friends. But now... all I can think is that maybe we can start over. In the last week, I made the commitment that I will never stoop so low to hate myself again. I want to love myself. I want to love my life. I’d been trapped inside myself, using him as a crutch—and I don’t want that anymore. I want to start again. As best friends. Showing him the me that I should’ve been when we were together. The me that plans on working in D.C., advocating for environmental protection. The me that wants to give kindness in every corner. The me that I lost when my roommate started to bully me. But god, guys... I’m so scared. I’m terrified. This dinner could be the final thing that pushes him away if I don’t play it right. It’s not even that I want our relationship back. It wasn’t healthy. But I want to start over. I want to meet him all over again, and I want to get better. I still love him, in a way I don’t think I’d ever expected. But I’m terrified that he will resent me for wanting to starting over, which implies that I’d inevitably love to try a relationship again some day. What in the hell do I do?

Can anyone share their experiences with medications? Effectiveness, pros cons etc. (I know therapy is a better option but I don’t feel confident enough to open up to a stranger)

Hi NOCD users, I wondered if anyone is having difficulty separating yourself from your symptoms? We talk about this often during therapy sessions and within the ERP program. I understand that when you are dealing with these strong obsessive/intrusive, unwanted thoughts and images, it feels like it is a part of you! It is not a part you like or want. So many clients have shared how much they wish they could stop and how it feels like the OCD obsessive thoughts and compulsions are taking over their lives. They don’t feel like themselves anymore. This creates quite a dichotomy because what they believe can be the opposite of what they are thinking. How confusing this must feel! To believe in something so strongly and have your mind be telling you that you are the opposite in your thoughts. It can make you question who are are! This isn’t good for your self esteem/self worth. How much you like yourself and how valuable you feel as a person. Decreasing OCD obsessive thinking and compulsive actions is going to make you feel better. Staying true to who you are, not allowing the OCD symptoms get in the way of who you are inside. Challenge yourself to separate your “self” - who you really are including all of your beliefs - separate that true person from your OCD symptoms - they are just a thought and they are not real or factual. Let us help you separate yourself from these OCD symptoms, let us help you separate your true self from the uncertain thoughts. They are just that, uncertain. Learn to be more comfortable in uncertainty. We here at NOCD understand the pain this gives you and can help you by teaching you the first line treatment skills of ERP! If that sounds familiar to you, I hope this suggestion will help.

My worst OCD fear this far has been fear of having schizophrenia. It makes me feel absolutely miserable and just unwell. I know it’s a common theme. So I’m wondering, to the people who have this fear, do you ever get random paranoid thoughts or delusions that pop into your head but you know isn’t true? Like you’re just creating them to try to feed the ocd monster? Also, has anyone with this fear not tried taking medication for OCD in fear that will induce psychosis that you will never be able to come back from?

What’s the difference between bisexual and HOCD

Started therapy. Today was my second session and it really made me more anxious than I have been in a while. Anyone else felt more anxiety/depressed after a therapy session?

after the first session, my psychiatrist says he wants me on the lowest dose possible of zoloft. are there any side effects i should be aware of? i looked it up and it said it can cause things like memory impairment and seizures and that scares me. is there anyone here that’s on it?

I'm so sorry but can you please read this!!! I was reading an article about being a lesbian in denial and I feel really bad cause some of the signs are close to being HOCD signs. I'm doubting myself so badly!!! I don't wanna be a fucking lesbian!!! Fuck that!!! I'm crying!!! I can't deal with the fucking thoughts like...I don't like them and I want to be with guys

Whoever has been diagnosed with adhd how were u diagnosed? What are your major symptoms?

I hate hocd with a passion it ruins absolutely everything for me. Tv shows, movies, going out in public, trying to be happy, etc. I cut out compulsions and where do I get nowhere. I get stuck in an endless hopeless loop of feeling better for maybe a day and then bam it all comes rushing back in.

Does anyone have experience with thyroid disease and ocd? I had to go to the hospital in 2017 for ocd and it was there that it was discovered that I have autoimmune thyroid disease (Hashimoto’s causing hypothyroidism). My Mom had her thyroid removed at 32 but probably had thyroid issues dating back before that age. My ocd became severe about halfway through high school. I remember having to literally leave class to check to make sure that my belongings in my locker hadn’t been stolen during the time that I had been in class. I hit puberty at the right time and correctly hit all other markers. The endocrinologist said that an endo surgeon would remove the thyroid for different reasons, and I have one of them: nodules. I’m kind of hoping that they take it out due to my familial history of autoimmune disease. I just keep hoping there’s a way to rid myself of distress and intrusive thoughts. It’s pretty messed up that I’m hoping to have part of my body removed but I have this gut feeling that my thyroid could be fucking with everything. I’m not sure if I’d feel any different if my Mom didn’t have thyroid cancer, but that gives me hope that it’s not all my fault. The intrusive thoughts have become less frequent since starting thyroid hormone therapy. But they still come and go and it causes comorbid depression. Sucks. Anyone else with similar experiences and/or thought processes? I also had a cortisol test done today to see how well my body tolerates stress. Upon blood testing, the endocrinologist discovered that I my cortisol was super low in the AM. It’s supposed to be the opposite in the AM. If the same holds true after my cortisol test today, then it’s a problem that has to be addressed with more immunosuppressant medicine. I also take 150mg Zoloft. I don’t notice much from it, but I take it.

Please read this, I just need some help!!! I can't tell whether I have HOCD or not!!! It's tiring me. Can somebody tell me if my signs are common or not please???? 1. I don't feel good whenever I think of females. It feels weird to look at their lips and makes me anxious and I have a lot of heavy breathing from anxiety. 2. I have tactile hallucinations of a girl kissing me with tounge and I feel like there are worms in my throat or something. 3. I have dreams about girls and I never enjoy them. I often sweat and breath heavily and I can't seem to get them out of my head like it's literally etched in me. 4. I self doubt a lot. I check to see if I'm attracted to attractive females and then imagine scenarios with them and determining if I would like it or not. (I never enjoy them) 5. I get happy to think about a boy but my brain convinces me I'm forcing myself though I like it and I want it irl. 6. I don't have any sex drive and I can't remember anymore how it feels to be anxiety free and happy. My brain has convinced me I was living a lie and it's hurting so badly 7. I once came out as gay from anxiety and I didn't feel any freeness or happiness. I was more riddled with anxiety. It didn't make me that "happy" that gay people feel 8. I feel like crying when I think I'm gay/bi/ace. It doesn't feel natural but my brain tells me it is. I don't want to be gay or any other SO. 9. Whenever I think of girls my head spins. Also I feel like I'm a gay in the closet all the time and it makes me sad and depressed. Like there's this constant feeling. 10. I fear in the future I'll get a bf and I won't enjoy anything sexual with him though it feels so good to fantasize and I want it in real life. I'm soo afraid I'll realize I'm gay and I'll marry a girl. Like that's not what I want at all!!! 11. Whenever I imagine stuff with girls I'm distressed but also numb cause it has become so fucking common and I'm so scared im actually gay. Honestly there are so many more I can list out but I'm afraid it's going to be tiring to read and stupid. But please tell me anything, like anything!!!

All this depression anxiiety shit made my self esteem dissapear lol, sooo i wanna get a nosejob, is this the right time to make this desicion? Like j littetaly cant ever since hocd i feel like ive gotten soooo ugly and like i got way less attention from men and i want it back so i dont have to feel like i got ugly all of a sudden.

If you haven’t gotten therapy yet, please do it and don’t hold anything back. Humans weren’t made to solve everything on our own. We need interaction and support from other people.

I feel like i have gone insane. Sometimes when im just sitting with friends and theyre talking about stuff thats so pure and so normal to talk about and to think that thats all whats on their mind, i feel disgusted by myself. How did i get like this. I feel like im the psychopath person in my own skin when i sit with them. They talk about all this innocent things and i used to be like that too. I remember the days where i would think like a normal person and i cant tell by the way they communicate they dont have any weird thoughts or something that keeps them from being excited about their future. All the digusting thoughts in my head make me feel like im sick. Like im a psychopath like i am one of those crazy in their head persons. I just dont feel like a normal teenagergirl anymore and i miss having that lovely life i used To have. Being excited for the future, wanting to party and go out with boys. All those desires i dont have anymore and i want them back so bad because it made me happy.I have friends and they say theyre depressed which i do believe because some are on medication and stuff but they always have hope in the future. but for me its the whole future that scares me. I hate that i cant be myself and that i wont be the happy me when i grow up because thats litteraly living im gonna miss out on. Im litteraly gonna miss all the things i used to be so excitedd for. I cant even remember what those things are because all thats on my mind is this trash. I just need my innocent soul back, i feel like im poisoned with the thoughts ive had. Theyll never go

I feel like everyone here thinks im a creep because of my previous posts