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the NOCD Community

This is my first post on the forum and I want it to be worth something. So if you are just starting out ERP or starting out in your OCD journey, this is for you. I’m here to let you know that it gets better. Before ERP, I was in a really dark place. I was struggling so much with my intrusive thoughts, assigning meaning to them, seeking unhealthy amounts of reassurance and spiraling everyday. But after now four months of ERP, I can already feel a difference in my outlook on life and how I interact with my intrusive thoughts. With the help of my therapists and my own efforts to want to get better, I am getting better. Healing is not linear, ERP can be rough and days where I feel like I can’t control my thoughts are rough. But I have noticed more happy days, days where I can enjoy the good moments, and days where I am able to do things OCD has prevented me from doing before. Remember to lean into your ERP exposures. Remember YOU have to put in the effort to get better. Lastly, remember you are not alone in this journey. Take care and keep on going 🫶

[18+ only] Last year, I shared fanfics with sexual/suggestive scenes in it on a discord server on a fandom I was in....and it slipped my mind there are teenagers in there :/ I was already 20 years old that time.. I was mainly talking to the adults there that I forgot there are minors in there. Thankfully the server only lasted for two weeks before it got deleted, but I still feel really bad. What's worse is that no one batted an eye, and I didn't receive consequences for it. I'm hoping no one cared about the fanfics I shared enough to click it. Sigh. I feel like a creep. the show where the server is dedicated to also deals with mature/suggestive themes... idc if teens watch it, but they really shouldn't be in the same space as adults when it comes to discussions....idk if that's just me or my moral ocd acting up but i really feel like a P because of it :((( I feel like such a bad influence and an irresponsible, disgusting adult. because of this entire thing as well, I lost interest with the show and AO3 itself, as I get insanely triggered by it when I remember my mistake. I feel so bad. i'm also planning to delete my discord account because of it too, and say goodbye to my friends (who are my age) for good, i guess.

my cat was playing with a cup. i didnt care, cats do that. but it had a roach. and i noticed after shed been around the apartment. on my bed. on my couch. now i have to pull an all nighter after going out (saw it as i was leaving) to clean everything. and i cant even clean the sheets bc i dont have a car and the laundromat for the complex has roaches and is dirty and i have to wait for the cleaners to come at their scheduled days then i have class then work. i just cant i have no energy. i am a horrible person bc she was meowing and meowing begging for attention but i couldnt bring myself to pet her when i dont have time to at least wipe her and wash my hands. my hands are already crackling and cant handle anything more and i have to avoid touching dirty things. i’m so overwhelmed. i love her but this was really just a moment for me. i can’t rn. my friend is enjoying a night out without me bc i had a panic attack. i hate myself sm.

I’ve been scared because I’ve been having what feels like a “new feeling,” and I can’t stop trying to figure out what it means. It started after my therapist asked if something I was describing was a “new feeling.” Ever since then, I’ve been hyperaware of every emotion and body sensation, wondering if this is what she meant. I’ve been experiencing intrusive sexual thoughts and then feeling like I have to imagine or replay them. Sometimes I force myself to imagine scenarios to see how I react. While doing this, I notice sensations in my body, especially in my chest and genital area, and then my mind immediately tells me, “What if you like this?” or “What if this is proof?” The part that scares me the most is that sometimes the feeling reminds me of the soft, numb, warm feeling I get when I want more closeness or intimacy with my boyfriend. Because it feels somewhat similar but no desire , my brain tells me that maybe this means I secretly want the intrusive scenarios too. That thought terrifies me. I’ve also had intrusive thoughts involving people I don’t want to think about. When those thoughts happen, I feel scared and disgusted, but because I notice body sensations, my brain says, “What if this means you want it?” I don’t want these thoughts, but I get stuck analyzing whether the feeling means something. Sometimes I feel anxious, and other times I feel emotionally “meh,” numb, or like my body has been injected with something that makes everything feel muted. When I’m in that state, I worry even more that the lack of panic means the feeling is real or that this is the “new feeling” my therapist mentioned. I spend a lot of time comparing feelings, replaying mental images, checking my reactions, and trying to figure out whether I’m discovering something about myself or just experiencing OCD. I know reassurance only helps for a short time, but I feel desperate to understand what is happening because the uncertainty is exhausting.

Idk if this is morally wrong or bad or even ROCD My partner has this friend who I always thought was SO cool. I’m not into him otherwise, he’s cute ish but he’s just cool and I want him to think I’m cool. But when my partner says stuff like “I talked to (friend) about you” I’m like omg, that friend knows me. That friend thinks about me. And it makes me feel a kind of way that I’m perceived by someone I find so cool. I once had a dumb fantasy of my partner and I *doing stuff* and people such as said friend overhearing. Sorry for gross imagery but it’s a big part of it. I feel so horrible about this. My partner said (to my vague indication of it being anyone..) he frankly has women he wants to impress, and it isn’t wrong, but it feels worse than whatever he may be thinking or doing as it’s his best friend… idk. I might’ve had a crush on this friend for like a week three years ago at most but I’m worried so much now

My intrusive thoughts are so constant that it is hard to determine what’s real and not real. For example, I can’t really figure out if I have a crush on my boyfriend’s friend or if it is just ocd. My therapist says it is ocd, but isn’t it also possible that I am in denial? I have a history of believing fully on my intrusive thoughts, and my thoughts acting like commands or statements. The thing is that my boyfriend made me sad a while ago, like felt betrayed sad about something, and I did have the thought then about his friend, once when he hugged me. I do think he is attractive and nice, so it’s not like when I had the intrusive thought about liking my dad, it’s more believable. And I honestly don’t know what to do. The thought of him and all makes me feel awful and has made me want to kill myself and have had that as a plan in case I lose control and cheat. The thing I can’t stop thinking is, who wouldn’t feel terrible about these thoughts? It’s not like feeling terrible about them proves it’s ocd, I mean, it could still be true? Also, I am anxious when I go out because I stare at men and feel terrible but I can’t stop. Am I just in denial? Or am I in a really bad place? It’s ofcourse hard to tell for a stranger but idk does anybody have similar symptoms? His face pop up everyday and the thought about me liking him and the true thought that he is nice and attractive. I’m afraid all the time that I’ll say his name out loud because it repeats over and over in my head. I’m shaky and it is just so bad, worse than ever and it is ruining my life and chance of happiness

Hello all, I'm sort of newly on this journey though I suspect I've struggled with this a majority of my life just it's worsened as I've gotten older and went through more intense and sudden things. But I wanted to ask advice for how to handle the immense guilt brought on by intrusive thoughts? It's what I struggle with the most because even if I logically understand that it's just the disorder or my brain doing its thing again I get super guilt ridden and anxious about it (Most of my intrusive thoughts are either sad or perverse)

My dad passed away unexpectedly 2 weeks ago. He was my best friend, we talked every day. All of my intrusive thoughts actually happened. His death was violent & I seen it happening to him. I'm 48 and this is the biggest & most impactful loss of my life. I can't stop the compulsion of reliving that day, it's stopping me from remembering the abundance of very happy thoughts with my dad. I'm also staying with my mom to help her get through this and not really giving myself a chance to grieve. Does anyone have advice to help me?

Hi, first of all this is my first post but its just something I have been disturbed by for sometime. About a few months ago, i got prescription glasses for my slight minus. I have a bit of minus and cylinder, without glasses i can still see but its one eye that only has 0.25 minus while the other is 1.25, which in the long run will damage my better eye. I am still a late teen so i got these glasses through my parent, and they are quite pricy (as glasses are) and now i seem to wear them very seldom because of fears of scratching, breaking, or having “bad” particles on it. I freaked out when i took it to get washed for the first time and the staff wiped my glasses with tissue which to my knowledge scratches the surface, and i kept observing for dots and glitter-like speckles and convinced myself its now not pristine and wearing it more will make my glasses degrade (which it will) but im convinced its gonna degrade in very little time. I fear my parent is going to get mad for having wear and tear on these glasses overtime and itll be my fault for not taking care of it. I bought a 100 pack of microfiber cloth to wipe it, but after using sink water to clean it i was shaken by the thought of hard water forming minerals and ruining them. I bought distilled water to wash them but fear mold if i stored improperly, i refuse to wear it while playing sport because of it 1 breaking by fall 2 dust particles 3 bad smells latching on to it. I feel like this fear comes from not wanting to break an expensive item but it ends up being less used and well “wasting” money. I feel like I should just “get over it” but it really isnt easy for people like us, I hope ill get used to using the glasses and not fearing all these outcomes and potential accidents or contamination but it doesnt seem to be getting better the more I try to figure out new solutions because thats probably the compulsion im doing. Its just, i dont really know how to **Not** be worried about expensive specialty items like prescription glasses + about making my parent mad if i need to replace this thing even if its within the normal wear and tear of a few years. At the same time, its a aid tool meant for me that I should be using instead of leaving in the corner to rot. 😔

I’ve been doing Linsey Clancy exposures and I am beyond triggered. I feel like I’m declining drastically. Any advise? I don’t need any reassurance!

I am scheduled to have a meeting with my psychiatrist about going on an ssri and I am leaning towards trying Zoloft. Lexapro was also an option but I tried that in the past for a month, and went off of it for a reason I cant remember lol. I would love to hear peoples experiences on Zoloft good and bad!! Want to learn!

Alright so they say that when you do treatment at the beginning toughts feel even more real and you feel okay with it. But mine feels 100 percent real especially because of the real event and if I am okay with my thoughts or feel like want it okay with my theme and still have thoughts whaf feels real then I can't think that maybe it's real maybe it's not. Because it's so convincing. So if I do treatment I'm going to think that I am bi and being okay with it or even want it. But still not real? And somehow it starts to go away somehow?

I won’t go into details, but I was in an abusive relationships. I think the biggest reason why I couldn’t leave is because of my OCD. I struggle with harm and moral scrupulosity subtypes. Whenever my partner did something bad it’s like I had to prove that I’ve never done anything bad or anything to hurt them. Or else I felt like I had no moral ground to stand on. I just kept telling myself “well then you’re just as bad”. And I couldn’t leave until I confirmed that I hadn’t hurt them. I feel so stupid but I honestly believe that OCD trapped me in this situation. And I didn’t confide in anyone for a long time because every day with this person there were too many micro interactions that I was trying to keep track of, so I couldn’t possibly recount all the details to someone. And this is on top of all the other issues I had — OCD with work, etc. I had so many intrusive thoughts that I just couldn’t break free. I don’t know if anyone can relate but this was one of the worst things that OCD has ever done to me. Please get help asap and don’t doubt yourself.

Long, first post. I'm sorry 😬 I have many projects (novel ideas really) I really want to start, and honestly ruminate about them to try and "jump start" my brain into starting to write/do something with them other than the basic idea on my phone's notes app, basically try to get more story development. However, I never do start writing, or "I'll do it later, after this" and feel guilty all the time l about it. For example, I have a book I've been writing story/character notes for and even started to write a few pages last year (I started my social work masters program shortly after and used that as an excuse to not continue writing). However, in the last year, I never really stopped thinking about that book, and even said "I want to quit everything and just write" but now that I've graduated and am job searching, I have all the time to write, which *could* solve my money concerns as well. However, I feel I keep making excuses and/or picking up other household diy projects/other projects. I'm just at a loss of what to help get me to start writing. It's not that I lack the passion, it's just something that I feel weighted down by, that I'm scared I'll put so much effort for it to end up being a horrible novel when I care so much about it and feel really good and excited for the story. I do have an OCD therapist I plan to discuss this more with later this week as I started the topic but was scared to broach it more and ran out of time. But for now, I wanted to see if anyone would be willing to share any tips or tricks they use to start their projects? I just want to stop ruminating and feeling guilty for not starting/continuing writing and wasting time/life/space, etc. It all makes me feel so lazy, but I feel so trapped and weighed down, did I mention guilty 😅. Thank you all 🤗

I’m looking for tips and tricks for falling asleep when the intrusive thoughts are really bad at night. I’ve gotten into a fairly good routine: Medication at 8pm Brush teeth and do skincare immediately after Wind down time (tv, coloring or reading) Put on my bedtime movie and then fall asleep. BUT! the past couple of months but I am noticing that if I’m not in bed and asleep by or before 10pm, my intrusive thoughts get really bad. I have pure ocd and I tend to ruminate and fall into horrible panic attacks that can sometimes last days. I haven’t had a panic attack in over a month (!!!) But that doesn’t mean my thoughts aren’t still there. Long story short, if anyone has tips or tricks to go to sleep please let me know!

I’m 39 years old and I’ve gained new symptoms around my period Back then it was only physical but now like today I’m just depressed. I don’t wanna be around people. I hate everything I’m moody. I feel sad down just weird. Does anyone experience this a week or days before or during their period?

I’ve been doing really well with managing my OCD themes, but I’m having a big flare up due to seeing someone new. I can’t stop analyzing every message, interaction, delay in texting, way she speaks etc. Today in particular has been really hard for me and I can’t stop doing compulsions (rereading messages, going to ChatGPT/reddit, analyzing time stamps in between messages) and I feel so crazy. I struggle so much discerning this being intuition or just ocd/anxiety. I’m leaning towards the latter, but I just am exhausted by my mind at this point. I just needed to vent about it and if anyone has any advice / success stories of coming out on the other side of this, that would be awesome to hear.

I can’t stop the spiral and I physically feel panic 😵‍💫😵‍💫 I’m in this weird in between stage with the boy I love and we go from hanging out for days to not talking for a week in cycles. It’s a very complicated situation, so please don’t write it off as “just leave him!”. He fully explained last night how he truly loved me, how badly he wanted to get back together but we couldn’t right now, and I wasn’t alone in feeling really sad and confused about it. We broke up because I was convinced I had crushes on/I DID have crushes on other people and couldn’t stop beating myself up for it while it ruined his relationship with me. We’re closer than before but still so far. I’m so scared I’m going to do something wrong like develop a crush on someone else, I’m tracking every time I accidentally think about impressing another guy, I’m scared about feelings I felt for a male friend, etc. I’m completely on edge. I don’t know what to do to not be so on edge… idk how to know I don’t like anyone else or what to do with those feelings. I’m in a constant state of panic right now, and he’s feeling somewhat the same way which makes it better and worse. It’s hard not having certainty when we’ll see each other again right now. We both want to work things out so bad but I keep messing it up with my ROCD and feelings for others. If you have any advice on calming down I’d really appreciate it

I took a nap today and had a really vivid dream. After I woke up, I was watching Replay by Zendaya, and then my brain randomly created a scenario of me and a masc lesbian watching it together. It felt so strange because I got this really intense “fake excitement.” It almost sounded like I wanted it, but at the same time it felt anxious. It didn’t feel peaceful or comforting it just felt really confusing. Then I started thinking about my senior year and how excited I am for my boyfriend to eventually drive me to school, take senior pictures with me, and do senior sunrise together. Those thoughts made me happy. Later, during therapy, I told my therapist about the “fake excitement.” She asked, “Is that a new feeling?” As soon as she said that, I started overthinking everything. She also uses the phrase “being with another girl,” and immediately my brain played a scenario in the background. Then I started worrying, “Does she think I actually want this?” She later said, “What I’m hearing from you is that you don’t,” but I still doubted myself. After therapy I looked in the mirror while stretching and imagined my boyfriend hugging me, BECASUE when I stretch he already hugs me, but then my brain replaced him with a girl. Instead of letting the image pass, I started checking. I wondered, “Would I actually be happy?” It felt like I imagined a cute scenario, but it was like outside of me , but it was mixed with anxiety. Then I started thinking, “What if I really do want to date a masc lesbian?” When I even wrote “I do,” I got a brief love-like surge in my chest that quickly turned into anxiety. Later, while reading a reply, I saw the words “I found a clear answer.” My brain immediately created another image of me with a girl. I replayed it and pushed it further to see what I felt. It became vivid, and I felt that same “fake excitement” mixed with anxiety again. It feels so real and I’m so confuse I start doubting myself. Has anyone else with SO-OCD experienced “fake excitement,” intrusive scenarios that become more vivid the more you mentally test them, feeling like you’re digging endlessly for an answer, or doubting yourself so much that every thought starts feeling real? I’m not asking for reassurance.

I need advice please If I know I’ll see a guy somewhere my brain latches onto it when I’m getting ready, but I have someone I’m already deeply in love with. For example, when I go to the gym I know I’ll see Andrew. If my hair looks stupid, I’ll worry what Andrew thinks. I’ll look at my outfit and wonder if Andrew will think it looks cool. It’s automatic and I’m not TRYING to think it, but I do. I also don’t want romantic attention. Or it’ll be at work, like oh, Brody is gonna be managing. I want to look good so he thinks I’m cool. What if brody thinks my earrings look stupid? Etc… my lover is quite annoyed at this and I am too, because it sounds worse than it is but it’s still weird? What do I do? Now my brain is equating everything in my life to Andrew and I don’t even know him and it changes people every day!!