Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Does anybody have tips or resources for real event OCD? I feel like I’m stuck ruminating and every time I make the situation worse.

How can I know the difference between my real thoughts and OCD thoughts?

Ok so this might be a long one, I didn’t realize I had OCD until recently and when I found out it was such a weight off my chest! I’ve struggled with this since I was a child I used go to constantly wash my hands to the point that they were dry and cracked and had a fear of touching certain things like bleach and still do but not a much but my nan was in the garden and I went out in a panic because I touched a bleach bottle and thought I was going to die and she had compost on her gloves and rubbed it all over her face and was like do you think I’ll die now? After that it snapped me out of it but then it changed to something else, I was playing a game boy a lot and my mam told me to stop playing it so much or it would have my brain buzzing and one night when I was randomly playing it I started to panic and imagined a game boy in my brain and I had severe anxiety and didn’t even know what it was, all I could tell my mam was that I feel nervous all the time! Eventually that stopped too and when I got to around 14/15 I had a dream my friend who is a girl tried to kiss me and woke up in instant panic! All of a sudden I kept having thoughts of being a lesbian when I knew I wasn’t and have always liked boys! I’ve always wanted boys attention I’ve never felt attracted to girls ever! This effected me for months and the anxiety was so bad I could barely eat and sleep and getting up in the morning to go straight to the bathroom to get sick the anxiety was taking over totally and the thoughts never stopped. I was constantly repeating sentences in my head over and over like I know I’m a girl and I know I like boys for reassurance. I couldn’t look at any girl without feeling panic. I looked in the mirror and didn’t feel real, it was so bad I used to cry and think about ending my life and it would make me feel better but I didn’t want to hurt my family, I spoke to them and told them how I was feeling and eventually this stopped to a certain extent. Now I’m older and all of a sudden these thoughts have come back again. It’s so bad I could be in bed with my boyfriend and feel like I’m lying to him but I’m not I know I love him more than anything and I think about the time we first met and how excited I was and how happy I was and I want to feel like that again. Some days are better than others ❤️ when it’s so bad I lie in bed and can’t sleep I’m afraid I’ll dream of the intrusive thoughts I have in certain scenarios. I used to think there was something wrong with me and if I told people what I was thinking they would think I’m a freak and still do. Im glad I’ve found an app where there’s other people that go through the same thing I go through. I hope I can eventually get over this and be happy and not let these thoughts affect me!

Hi, new here to NOCD 👋🏼 I have struggled with what I now know as somatic OCD for the last 3 1/2 years, when it comes to breathing & taking deep breaths. I have noticed that I spend 98% of my day, thinking about it & paying attention to it. I know it’s a normal bodily function but I get the urge to take deep breaths every couple of mins. When I don’t get “a full deep breath”, it sends me into a panic & the intrusive thoughts start.. “what if I never get a deep breath again” “there is nothing I can do to make myself get that full deep breath” “if I don’t get a deep breath, you must not be able to breathe” - sometimes these thoughts & moments totally take over & I find myself spiraling. I feel like all my walls are closing in & my heart starts racing. The panic usually lasts a couple of mins if that but it feels like forever. I’m much better at handling and working through it now than I was 3 years ago, but I still have bad moments & sometimes bad days. At times, I’m able to talk myself through it & I don’t let it take over but other times, it feels uncontrollable. NOCD has been helpful so far, it’s comforting knowing I’m not alone. I’m just wondering if anyone else deals with this type of OCD? Have you found anything to be helpful to deal with it? Thanks in advance.

I’m honestly losing😞 soocd is so hard to fight I’m getting new battles everyday. Pls can someone tell me if this gets better and that it doesn’t prove my sexual orientation 😞. Sexual orientation does not change why would mine change all of a sudden. It makes me question myself and less confidence now. I hate it sm

I have concrete evidence that I did not harm someone while I was in a blacked-out state due to drinking (I have quit drinking for good). The person has concretely said that no harm was ever done to them by me, but my OCD tries to find ways around it because now I think I might have told them to say that I never harmed them. Now, my whole family knows about my OCD, and what I thought happened. I am so embarrassed of myself. I feel like I'm going crazy. I am 34, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to start a family of my own. I am on disability because I am unable to work due to my OCD. I am trying to get my Master's degree in Software Engineering, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to do anything with it since my OCD makes it difficult to interact with people. Many people tell me that I am a good person, but my OCD makes me question the veracity of their claims. Sometimes, I think I'd be better off dead, but I don't have the guts to actually follow through with suicide.

Salaam walaikum, I need help, I'm a Muslim, I pray 5 times a day, but idk what's going on in my head, it's like I'm going crazy I can't explain it, like for the last 3 months I've had no peace in my head, I believe Allah SWT exists but there's something in my head dragging me down saying he doesn't exist and there is no god, I've been praying tahajudd and making dua sincerely, please help idk what to do, I don't want to be an atheist but it's just thoughts running through my head making me crazy please help Idk if I'm possessed or something idk, I want to get these thoughts out of my head but I can't, I can't do anything, these thoughts are literally in my head like 24/7, I'm not in my normal state I can't explain it, it's like I'm in constant derealisation, i forget stuff alot, I am in constant stress, I get panic attacks. I'm not normal anymore I haven't had ease for 3 months straights, I get into state in my head that my mind goes blank I can't think straight, RN I'm in that state that I can't explain, the only way I can't get out of this is through Allah and islam, like a few days ago I got out of this state, was awake, was normal, had my memory back, I could think straight, the only way I can ignore this waswasa is if some is talking about Allah and me ignoring it and I keer forgetting how to ignore the waswasa I’m contstantly in my thoughts So I can’t think properly I can’t focus I’m constantly zoned out I feel so close to being normal yet so far I’m contstantly in my thoughts So I can’t think properly I can’t focus I’m constantly zoned out I feel so close to being normal yet so far I see everything like I’m high, I have memory loss I can’t think properly or critically, me it’s like I’m stuck in my mind, my head hurts when I try to focus, it’s like my brain is just blank,

I try to get an answer for this, i tried to find sites if they talk about this but all i could find was that i dont really believe and all that cr*p that makes you just feel bad... I feel like i got dissapointed by many christians, just because we believe there is one truth but I start to feel like this "one truth" has many variants too... just look at the religions, they all believe differently and blame the other one that they do it wrong... We should be the ones who show what is the love of God but the soo called "christians" are the same or worse people than people who doesnt believe. We dont have one belief, everyone has a different view about God and that makes me question so many things... however i go back to the problem, i dont know why i feel cringe now whenever i hear about Jesus is our saviour, we need God, just makes me feel cringe and shy to talk about this with people, it feels so corny and cringey. I feel bad about it cause i want to feel good about God, i still believe, but this feeling makes me suffer... Many people i know can listen to christian songs and they like it, i like some, but many makes me feel weird. Likd I rather listen wordly music cause i like the rhytm or the vibe, then listen christian music, and this makes me feel guilt too cause i cant grow in my faith... I feel like all christian music are sad, makes you feel guilt that Jesus died for you and you dont deserve that, or like the world is so bad, or if they are positive songs, they are cringey... its like a child wrote it...Isnt there christian songs about life or relationships, how to party, have fun in a christian way? Its all "Jesus is our king and saviour, we are so happy..." I feel bad cause i dont want to talk bad about Jesus, yes we need that kind of music too, but its all we have... it makes me feel ashamed sometimes to be a christian. Like other have these fun lifes(im not talking about sinful things) and all we say is "go to church,dress well,be serious, you have to be careful what you watch, what you listen, what you say and all this things that makes christians look cringey and boring for wordly people and not beacuse sin feels more fun, no, I just dont believe that being a christian has to be this boring, if God is good, being with Him shouldnt feel cringe. I feel like lot of christians feel uncomfortable being themselfs, their personality is that they are christians... and i dont mean the "identity of christ, thats biblical, but this is something else... its like when outside with christians, im afraid to say anything funny cause i dont know how they will react...and this makes me feel like im the bad person. Cause everything they dont do its a sin, and my ocd makes me feel like yes i rather be cool for the world then believe in God... i deal alot of guilt in this. I feel cringe about being a christian and i feel shame to be open about it, but i want to stop feeling this, i want to feel good about that. But all this "you are saved" things makes me just feel cringe and then the "its because you dont believe enough" makes me feel guilt... idk what to do

So I went to my (new) doctor today (i dont know how to say it in English, but i think its called: general practitioner). Ofcourse she is just a regelar doctor, but it seemed like she never heard of mental obsessions and compulsions and the existence of pure ocd. She kept on asking me what i did, like washing my hands, etc. I tried to explain that the ocd was only in my mind and she seemed like she didnt understand that its ocd and like she thought i didnt actually have ocd. Now i feel like i dont have ocd, that im just overreacting, like its not that bad as people with "real ocd, with physical and visible compulsions". I feel so ashamed that I came to her, while she was like; but you dont even do anything, so what are you talking about. Is my form of ocd, pure, real event, moral obsessions, etc. that rare? 😔 Is it less hard to deal with than physical ocd? I dont know anymore... i feel like a fake ocd...

I’m not anxious, I don’t think I’m depressed, I just feel blah, no emotions, super negative, like I hate everything and everyone, I want to change my whole life because it’s not who I am and I don’t feel like I’m a cute little girl anymore like my style and what I want is life is just ruined and not what I want anymore and my head hurts and I just am so negative nothing feels right I don’t feel like I love anyone, care about anything, and just everything’s bad. Can anyone relate?

I was talking with my friends and one of them called me mentally ill(it was a joke and she immediately apologized) That didn't hurt me at all but I realized that I really do have a mental illness which is OCD. And I hate that. Obviously I hate having OCD but I think I hate the fact that I have a mental illness even more. I hate people looking down on me, thinking I'm worse or not capable of something and that's exactly how others treat people with mental illnesses because of stereotypes. I know I'm not less in anyway because of OCD and I also don't want anyone to think that. Having OCD is hard enough.

Well, clearly I have relationship OCD & the main trigger is when my partner talks about his ex-wife. When he was visiting home in Sweden, I asked beforehand if he’d see her so I could mentally prepare, and he said no. Cut to Thursday and he told me by phone “Oh! I met with Ex today!” And I spiraled quickly. It’s been 2 years of trying to set boundaries and be vocal about how I’m not him seeing her, and it felt like it was done behind my back. I have his ex blocked on my phone, she hates me, so that adds an extra layer. Mainxrwelings are neglect, not being heard, being misunderstand, and abandonment. I threw a bunch of posters she gave him from on the wall & onto the ground, and the letters from her he never bothered to keep out of my eye site I added to the pile. He apologized and said he had no idea how hurt I’d be by this, & didn’t understand the extent of this. We are going to work on a plan to prevent any misunderstandings, and I have to accept that he is going to be in touch with her every now & then. But now that the spin out is over, I’m super embarrassed and ashamed & I hate myself. I feel like I deserve to be hit by a car, or fall off a cliff. And I’m scared when my bf returns fro. Sweden tomorrow that he’ll dump me for the reaction I had. I’m doing exposure homework, but I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. Help help help. “He’s going to dump me when he gets home tomorrow” -Maybe he will, maybe he won’t I’m a wreck.

I absolutely hate the way my brain processes information. I’m so sensitive that I meltdown any time something doesn’t go right. It starts from overthinking and reminiscing from that one thing that happened back in July. I’ve always had self esteem problems, but ever since that happened, I’ve been so on edge with my two closest friends, and I can’t seem to simply “move on” as I’m told. I haven’t said a word to the two of them for a week, and it’s only because my head keeps telling me to stop trying to reach out to them because I’m afraid of how they see me now. I know I should be trying to reach out more, and I did once and was ignored, so then my mindset changed and I deleted the message and pretended nothing happened. Ever since they began dating again, I wasn’t invited to do things anymore. And maybe that’s partially due to me keeping my distance because my brain is making me believe Im not wanted around them anymore. I literally put all of my energy and happiness into my friendship with them for the past 4 years, and it feels like it’s all been thrown away. I’ve been contemplating whether or not I should just leave our server with just the three of us without saying anything, because they don’t even chat that much in there anymore. But I know that would draw attention and then they’ll finally suspect something going on with me, and that’s the last thing I want. I had to mute their Instagram stories when they started gushing about each other. And the jealousy hurts so bad because I feel like I never had anything with them. No one ever gushed about me like they do with each other. When I became friends with them, I thought I was finally going to be okay, but clearly I was wrong in the end. No one ever appreciates what I do. Never. I want that emotional attachment they have, but I’ve never had that in my life with anybody and I probably never will— I’m already 20 now and I don’t have anyone else to go to about this because I’m constantly invalidated, so I’m forced to just keep all of this to myself. I know probably communicating this issue is probably what I should be doing, but I cant. I just can’t open my mind to doing that. I’m glad they’re comfortable enough telling me if I did something wrong, but I just can’t get myself to do the same, no matter who it is. I don’t want them to feel horrible about something that makes them happy. And I am happy for them, but I’m also not. It was always the three of us doing everything together. But now they go off in their own space calling each other daily without me, and it hurts so badly. I just want to have someone in my life that I can trust with everything but it takes so much for me to open everything up. They were the only two people I’ve felt comfortable enough to talk about my life with, but now I feel like I can’t anymore and that it was a mistake.

I have three drink blackouts in my life that have created three what I hope to be, false memories. They feel so real like they actually happened and I always feel like I’m just waiting for the cops to come and arrest me. I’m scared to be happy about anything because then it means it will all be taken away from me because I did these horrible things that I cannot even remember. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I tried to get therapy even though it’s not available near me but my therapist couldn’t seem to understand what I was going through. I have pure ocd which I think is a lot different then the typical ocd I don’t repeat tasks with manic intensity, but obsessive thoughts run rampant in my head. My worst experience with this was a false memory I had that I ruminated upon for years. Knowing I never would commit such a horrible act my brain still would ruminate and fight this thought so much that I didn’t know what to do. I thought I should go to jail, I thought I was a horrible person, and I felt hopeless. It seriously took so much of my life away that I can’t get back, but here on noocd erp they focus on exposure to help you not act out on your compulsions. I can’t do that, I just can’t my thoughts are horrible and my compulsions are also very mental. This mental illness has ruined relationships for me, my loved ones see my freaking out sometimes, and I genuinely can’t push really intrusive thoughts out of my head at times, but why is it that when I say I don’t have physical compulsions (anymore) it automatically means I don’t have ocd. In fact right after trying therapy and getting negative input from my therapist I freaked out really bad again for weeks and it’s not fair. I need understanding and I need help I don’t need somebody denying what I go through because of the physical compulsions that I don’t do. Ig I don’t have the typical case of ocd but pure ocd is miserable.

I’m still bawling my eyes out in every session of ERP because facing your fears is scary as heck. But it’s SO WORTH IT, people!! I can now do things I thought I had ruined forever with my stupid fears. Now: * I’m not constantly on edge, waiting for the next Problem to pop up. *I’m more comfortable in my own home. *I can focus on work. * I don’t have to constantly be on the phone with friends to distract myself. * I’m starting to do little things again for my future, etc. The process takes time, so give yourself grace. You will have ups and downs, even later in the timeline. Some days all I can do is work, exposure and then nothing else. Other days I feel my old goals and dreams starting to knock on my door again. Don’t give up. Yes it is scary, but YES there is so much freedom to be gained. You’re taking steps with every exposure you do. And every compulsion you manage to stop, delay or drop out of your life. It’s all new and better food for your brain. You can do this!

Has anybody else had panic attacks out of nowhere and have a fear that you can’t breathe. I get shirt of breath just thinking about a panic attack happening

Is anyone here Hispanic or Mexican that also has OCD? I just want to know/relate to someone because having this illness in a culture that doesn’t believe in mental health can be so isolating and it has made my OCD 20x worse.

Lately im feeling so much worse, cause i let myself feel bad and i tried to get deeper to see the real problem of my fear. I feel scared like i lost what i did believe before, i lost God and i feel like i cant go back to feel how i felt before, cause im not safe. The whole problem is how i started to see God as others say it is. I developed a fear over death, not like just death but dying at a young age before you experience many important things. I want to experience love,having a wife and kids, but im afraid i will die before that, and the concept of heaven doesnt makes me feel good. I want to experience that in here, in heaven we will have other things to do, I want to find my family here. But im too much afraid that God will not give me that opportunity, not that He doesnt wants to, but as He doesnt gives this opportunity to many, like many die young, many children dies before experiencing adult years, so how do i know that God will give me what i want? People say God knows what i need better than I do and maybe He lets bad things to happen to do something better from that, so maybe He lets me die before my time so others will believe in Him but im not okay with that...Or maybe His plan with me was never to have a wife or kids...By what the bible says about God i get these thoughts, and all i get from others is to "trust in God" or "give this fear to Him, and repent" which wouldnt help me... I do believe that we have answer over this, cause no way i just have to trust in God when anytime He can let me die or maybe His plans arent the same as what i want... I cant find no answers that would make me feel good, all is that "you need to accept what God lets happen" and that feels depressing... God wants the best for you but if your death helps thousands then He lets that happen causs thousands are more important than you... this is what i get from what others say. And im not okay with it, i deserve to experience love with another person as anyone does. Yeah i feel like sometimes experiences here in the world are more important for me than heaven, i know the bible says dont get attached on earthly things cause they die as well, im not attached to things, im attached to experiences, i want to leave this world with more experiences than i have now, but thats not in our control and it feels like sometimes its not even in Gods control and it hurts me so bad...Just trust in Him without understanding doesnt help at all...(im still a believer,I just want to get over this)

Today I remembered something horrible and I don’t think I deserve to live because of it. The details are extremely murky, but I have a friend in a sorority who told me about something that happened to someone in a fraternity which I now know would be considered hazing. At the time, I don’t remember reacting more than the acknowledgment of the situation being bad. I don’t remember asking more questions or details which I should have. I believe this friend heard it from someone else. Now I feel sick to my stomach knowing that I potentially know about a crime and never reported it. I don’t know the person it happened to or the fraternity, or any other details clearly to be able to report. I am not in greek life at all so I don’t know anything that would help me to report. I feel like a horrible person and I’m honestly afraid to ask that friend about it again. At this point I don’t know what to do and I feel disgusted with myself. I can’t stop thinking about it and reading about hazing. I would say this is beyond OCD and actual guilt right? I’m a horrible person and I don’t deserve to live. I was told about this maybe last semester and I just recalled it from memory. The fact that I’m still friends with this girl also makes me feel horrible because she never reported it either and I feel like I specifically remember her telling me to not tell anyone. But I think all of this is on me and my inability to act. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for this. I don’t think this is something I can sit with the uncertainty on.